In The Eye Of The Beholder Chapter 12, a m*a*s*h fanfic

CHAPTER 12

"Margaret." She hugged her old friend. "How are you?"

Margaret pulled back and looked at her. "I'm great. How are you?"

"Couldn't be better." She smiled.

"Wow, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, well I was in town and since I know you're here, I decided to stop in and surprise you."

Margaret realized then that they were standing in the door. She stepped back. "Please, come in." Lorraine stepped in and Margaret shut the door behind her. "Its been so long."

"About two years now." She spotted Hawkeye sitting on the couch and couldn't help but smile. He was a very good looking man. "Who's that?" She whispered to her friend.

Margaret looked over there. "That's Hawkeye Pierce."

"Whoa, wait a minute. The Hawkeye? The famous Romeo of the 4077th?"

Margaret nodded. "The same one."

"Margaret," she said out of the side of her mouth. "You didn't tell me."

"Oh, there was nothing going on between us then. Hawk, I'd like you to meet my friend Lorraine. She was at the 4077th that time that we traded a doctor and a nurse to the 8063rd."

He stood up and offered his hand. "Ah, yes. Nice to meet you."

"I wish I would never had traded knowing you were at my unit while I was away."

Hawkeye smiled. "Margaret never mentioned that you were a friend."

Lorraine looked over her shoulder at her friend. "There's a lot Margaret never mentioned." She let go of Hawkeye's hand and turned to see Margaret. "So, care to tell me what this is about?" Margaret smiled and held her left hand wiggling her ring finger. "You're married?!"

"Not yet." Margaret let her friend take a good look at the ring. "Soon."

"Wow, much nicer than that other one you had on your hand."

Margaret held up her hand and admired the ring on her finger. "I know, there's actually a visible diamond on this one."

"How much did it cost?" Lorraine held Margaret's hand so she could get a better look at the ring.

"I don't know." Margaret looked over at her fiancé, "How much did it cost?"

Hawkeye chuckled as he walked into the kitchen. "That's my secret."

"Well it had to have been pretty expensive," Lorraine commented as she examined the diamond.

"I know."

"And didn't Donald come from a wealthy family?" She stood up and released her friend's hand.

"Yes, he was."

"What about him?" She gestured to Hawkeye who was still in the kitchen.

"His father owns a small private practice in Maine," Margaret told her.

"I'm impressed," Lorraine smiled approvingly.

Margaret smiled; so was she. "So, how are you? It's been forever since we talked."

"I'm just fine." She looked around. "Are you moving?"

"Yes. I'm out of the army in three weeks."

"You're what?! You have to be kidding me?"

"No," Margaret smiled. "I'm not. I'm finished with this lifestyle."

"Wow," she smiled. "I never thought I'd see the day that Margaret Houlihan would get out of the army all on her own free will."

"Its true," Margaret smiled. "Let's go sit down."

"Is that coffee I smell?"

"Yes. Hawk just made some. It's fresh. Would you like a cup?"

"I'd love one."

"Follow me, you could get lost in this maze."

Lorraine laughed. "Are you going to join us?" She looked at Hawkeye.

"Maybe in a little."

"Okay." When they walked into the kitchen Lorraine took a seat. "He's good looking. Not what I had pictured as your type, but..."

"No, but he's the one." Margaret smiled to herself as she poured two cups of coffee. "I was looking in all the wrong places. How do you take your coffee?"

"Milk and sugar please."

"Okay." Margaret got the milk.

"What's he doing here?"

Margaret turned and eyed her, and eyebrow arched. "What do you think?"

Lorraine looked at Margaret for a moment with wide eyes. "You mean...you and he?"

Margaret nodded. "We've been living together for about four months now."

"Four months?" Lorraine could hardly believe her ears. "And you guys are sleeping in the same bed?"

Margaret set down the mug she was holding in her hand and looked at her friend. "Where else would he be sleeping?"

"I...I don't know. I mean, of course you'd be sleeping together, but I just never thought you were the type..."

"I know what you mean," Margaret went back to fixing the coffee. "It's just that he was in Maine and I was here and we didn't want to be apart, so he moved here to be with me."

Lorraine smiled; she could see how happy it made Margaret to talk about him. "That's sweet."

"Yeah, it is." Margaret handed her, her cup and Lorraine thanked her. "Come on, let's sit in the living room and talk."

Lorraine followed her back out there and the two of them sat down. Margaret sat on the couch while Lorraine made herself comfortable in a chair. "Where's Hawkeye?"

"Oh, I'm sure he just went to the bathroom or something." She remembered what they were doing before Lorraine knocked on the door. "He'll be back out."

"Good. I want to get to know the man who seemed to capture your heart."

Margaret smiled brightly. She was more than happy to talk about Hawkeye any time. It was nice to have someone that was interested rather than have them act like they hate him like her family did. "Oh, Lorraine, he's wonderful. He's everything I ever dreamed of and more. He'd do anything for me."

"Sounds like true love."

"It is. He's the first man I've ever wanted to really settle down with and start a family."

"Oh, Margaret. Better be careful with you two living together and all, that you don't end up giving birth six months after you're married."

"Impossible. We're getting married in less than a month."

"Good. You're father would kill you." Suddenly Lorraine's eyes went wide. "Does he know about your living arrangements?"

"No! And don't you dare say a word to anyone."

"Scouts honor. How did he handle the news?"

"Not so good. I don't want to talk about that though."

Lorraine knew Margaret's father well enough, she didn't have to be filled in. "Enough said."

Margaret smiled, that was one of the things she liked about Lorraine. She never really had to explain anything; they were both thinking the same thing. "Let's just say, he'd met Hawkeye once before, and the memory was more than enough for him."

"I wish I had had the pleasure," Lorraine smiled suggestively. Margaret giggled and gently shoved her friend. "I'm serious; he's very easy on the eyes."

"You should see him with his shirt off," Margaret winked. She felt like a teenager at a slumber party.

"That good huh?"

"Let's just say, he makes Derrick Mathews look second class," she giggled.

"Derrick Mathews? As in Major General Mathews's son? The same boy whom you wasted a whole summer pining after?" Lorraine exclaimed. Margaret nodded with a laugh.

"Who's Derrick Mathews?" A new voice joined the conversation. Margaret turned her head and looked up to see him standing behind the couch. She reached and grabbed his hand.

"Hey, there you are."

"Who's Derrick Mathews?"

Margaret smiled and looked at her friend. "Should I tell him?"

Lorraine thought for a moment. "I don't see why not."

Margaret looked up at her fiancé. "You might want to sit down for this." She tugged on his hand so he would walk around the couch and sit next to her.

Hawkeye looked carefully at the two women. He wasn't so sure he wanted to be in the same room with two old friends catching up, but he decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. He really hadn't meant Lorraine either and didn't want to be rude. "Okay. Now tell me who that person is."

"You tell him, Margaret. I think he would take it better coming from you."

"Okay," she smiled. "Derrick Mathews is this boy that Lorraine pined for one whole summer when we were teenagers."

"What?! Oh, no. Don't you believe her. She was after him. He was a general's son, very good looking too."

"Was he ever. He was built." Margaret remembered. "I thought I was in love with him. He was a year ahead of us in school."

"She chased him around all summer."

"I did no such thing!"

"Don't lie to me Margaret Houlihan. I was there."

"I did not chase him around all summer," Margaret told her with a smile.

"You did too, everywhere he was you had to be too."

"Oh that's a lie. We bumped into each other every now and then, but it wasn't like I was stalking him."

Lorraine rolled her eyes, "Fine, believe what you want."

"Oh knock it off," Margaret told her with a grin.

Lorraine's eyes suddenly widened. "Speaking of which," she smiled widely. "You'll never believe who I bumped into a few months ago."

"You're kidding!" Margaret exclaimed. She put a hand over her heart, "Does he still look the same?"

Lorraine leaned forward, "Better."

"You have to tell me everything," Margaret said excitedly.

Behind them Hawkeye was watching them with disgust. He wasn't going to sit there and listen as they drooled over another one of those stuck up pretty boys who thought they were God's gift the world. Hawkeye stood up, he didn't want to be there and listen to them any longer.

No one seemed to notice when he left. He didn't know whether that was good or bad. He started to go toward the bedroom and looked back at the two women. He was just in time to see his fiancé take a sip of coffee. He felt his blood boil thinking about how she could have coffee and stay up with a friend, but not with him. He rolled his eyes and walked into the bedroom.

Once he was in there, he didn't know what to do. They didn't have TV in there. They couldn't have even if they wanted; there wasn't any room. Now what was he going to do? All he had thought about all week was spending time with Margaret and now here she was chatting with an old friend leaving him alone and bored once again. He spotted a book on a table in there and picked it up. Plopping himself down on the bed, he turned the bedside lamp on and opened the book.

Out in the living room Margaret and Lorraine were talking and laughing about old time. Hawkeye could still hear their voices and their laughter. They weren't even trying to keep it down. Why did she have to appear at their door tonight? That woman had horrible timing. And Margaret, she was worse. She didn't even seem to care about him. She pushed him to the side once again.

"Would you like something to eat?" Margaret asked her friend.

"Yeah. Let's find something good."

Margaret smiled and led the way to the kitchen once again. "Hawk went shopping yesterday and got a few things."

"He grocery shops?"

"Yes. He's not working right now."

"Wait a minute." That just didn't sound right to her. "From what I've heard he's one of the best surgeons there is. Why isn't it working? What's wrong with him?"

Margaret's shoulder's squared. "Nothing! How could you say that?"

"Well Margaret, I mean..."

She looked her friend in the eye. "Nothing is wrong with him."

"Okay, okay," Lorraine held her hands up. "I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that he's a high profile surgeon, I was just curious."

"Well if you hadn't noticed, there's no place around here for him to work. There's just the hospital and that's it. The closest civilian facility is over fifty miles away."

"That's true."

"And besides, no one wants to hire a doctor who can't make any commitments."

"That is also true," Lorraine said.

Margaret looked through the cupboard, "We have some snack foods."

"That's fine, I had dinner earlier."

"Very well," she pulled out a couple boxes of crackers and a couple other things. "Hawkeye also bought some beer, would you like one?"

"Sure." Margaret got them each a beer and they carried everything out to the table and took a seat.

"I wonder where Hawk went."

"Probably got sick of listening to you drool over all those boys from when we were kids."

Margaret rolled her eyes. "No. That's not like him."

Lorraine chuckled. "I don't know then."

Hawkeye was in the bedroom and thought it was odd that he didn't hear anymore voices. He waited a few minutes and he still didn't hear anything. Maybe Lorraine left. He closed his book and got up. Opening the door he saw the two of them sitting at the table with food scattered all over the top. "I thought something happened to you two. I didn't hear any cackling."

"Ha, ha." Margaret looked at Lorraine. "He thinks he's funny."

Hawkeye smiled. "I know I am. All that talk get you hungry?"

"A little, yes," Margaret smiled. "You want something?"

Hawkeye thought about that. Maybe he'd better pass on that. He wasn't hungry and he certainly didn't need the food. "No. I'll just take a beer. Anymore left?"

"Yep." Margaret said as he walked passed her. She looked at Lorraine and noticed what her friend's eyes were focused on. "Hey, he's mine."

"I was just looking. No touching, I promise."

Margaret raised an eyebrow and grinned, "You better not."

"Don't worry, I have no intentions," she smiled fiendishly.

Hawkeye walked out of the kitchen with a beer then and took a seat next beside his fiancé. Possessively Margaret put a hand on his knee and smiled at her friend. Hawkeye looked at the two women, they were smiling at each other and it was beginning to make him feel uncomfortable. What they were smiling at exactly, he hadn't the faintest clue. "So," he said, the silence was nerve racking. "What are you two talking about now."

Margaret turned and looked at him, "Men."

"Ah ha," Hawkeye said uncomfortably. "Well then, maybe I'd just better leave you two alone then." He moved to stand up.

"You don't have to go," Lorraine told him. "We don't mind."

"No, I insist," he said nervously as he quickly walked back to his room.

"That's okay," Lorraine said softly as she watched him. "The view from behind is just as good."

"Lorraine!" Margaret's eyes widened.

"What? I know you were looking at the same thing."

"But still..."

"I told you I wouldn't touch."

Margaret smiled. "Good. So, tell me what you've been up to."

"Why? What you've been up to has been much more interesting, I assure you."

Margaret rolled her eyes. "Doesn't matter. I want to hear about you."

The two women sat and talked for a while about old times and future plans. They were both on different paths now, but they were still the same girls who melted down their father's medals to make earrings. It was nice for Margaret to be reminded of the good times when she was growing up. Sometimes, especially with what happened when she and Hawkeye went to South Carolina to meet her family, it was easy to forget.

Hawkeye ended up staying in the bedroom all alone. He didn't mean it to be rude, it was just all that he could do. He wished they had a TV in there, but the only one was in the living room. Maybe after a little while he would go back out there and try to watch since the two women were now at the dining table rather than in the living room. But for now he would try to read that book that he had.

He didn't get very far into the book when his eyes started to feel heavy and weighed down. Maybe that coffee wasn't working. Soon he fell asleep with the book on his chest, on arm hung over the side of the bed, and the lamp still on.

It was over two hours later when Margaret and Lorraine even noticed that he had been gone for any length of time. Lorraine asked if he was avoiding them because of her, but Margaret told her not to worry. She rarely got to see her friend and she didn't want to kick her out. Hawkeye could wait a little longer. It wasn't going to kill him. Besides, he didn't tell her anything that would make her think otherwise.

After hours of laughing and giggling Hawkeye woke up. He opened his eyes and looked around to make sure where he was. He didn't remember falling asleep. When he sat up the book fell to the floor and he assumed he fell asleep while he was reading. Looking at the clock he saw that it was almost 10PM. That nap was not going to do him any good. He wasn't even going to be able to go to sleep now. After stretching out his stiff muscles he made a trip to the bathroom quickly. He could still hear the two women out there laughing and enjoying each other's company.

Margaret saw him walk out of the room looking like he just woke up. "Honey," she smiled. "Did you fall asleep?"

"Yes."

Lorraine chuckled. "How were you able to do that? You must be able to sleep through anything."

"Practice," he answered. "Can I get you anything?" He asked as he headed to the kitchen.

"I'm all set."

"Me too."

"Suit yourselves."

Hawkeye looked around the kitchen, he knew he wanted something, but he just didn't know what. He thought about having another cup of coffee, but that was the last thing he needed. Opting for a beer instead, he pulled one out of the refrigerator and popped off the top.

"Baby," Margaret put her hand on his hip as he walked by. He had been on his way to watch some TV when she stopped him "Do we have anything planned for tomorrow?" She asked as she patted him lightly.

Hawkeye didn't like where this question was going, he had been hoping to spend the whole day with Margaret. He lived for the weekends when it was just the two of them. "No, none that I can think of." He told her.

Margaret smiled, "Good."

"Why?" Hawkeye asked when he saw the two women exchange a pleased look.

"We might decide to do something tomorrow," Margaret told him. "Nothing's set in stone yet."

"Oh." Hawkeye tried to not to look too disappointed. He only got to spend two days a week with Margaret, and now he wasn't even going to get that. Either she was going to go off and leave him stuck in the apartment again or drag him along with them. It really didn't matter what they did anyways, either way he was going to end up spending the day alone.

"You're okay with that?" She asked.

"I'm fine." Why did she even bother? What could he say? If he said no that would start a fight and that wasn't the one he wanted to fight on. He had another one in mind for later.

"Good," Margaret smiled. "What are you doing?"

He gestured over to the TV with a nod of the head. "Find something to watch."

"Oh. Okay." She tugged on his sleeve to get him to bend down and then gave him a kiss.

"Awww," Lorraine said. "Isn't that sweet!" Hawkeye gave her a fake smiled, and then escaped to the living room. She looked at Margaret. "Is he okay?"

"Yes. Why?" Margaret had noticed that he was being a little cool.

"He just doesn't seem like the person I heard about or the person you're telling me about."

"Oh." What was she going to say? She wasn't about to let their person lives out into the open. What went on within those walls stayed there. It wasn't anyone's business but their own.

"Hawk," Lorraine called. "Are you sure you don't want to join us. We don't bite."

He had just found something on TV to watch and was getting comfortable on the couch. "I'm fine, thank you."

"Okay." Lorraine looked at Margaret. "He's not the social butterfly I heard he was."

Margaret was starting to take some offense to her friend. She didn't even know Hawkeye and yet she was sitting there judging him already. "I'm sure we just scared him away earlier. He hates talking about the Army."

"Oh," Lorraine could understand that. She looked at her watch and stood up, "Well it's getting late, I should get going."

"I'm really glad you stopped by."

"Me too. It was good to see you Margaret."

"Stop by any time." She stood up to walk her to the door. "We'd love to have you."

"Thank you."

Margaret opened the door. "Call me tomorrow. Not too early. I don't normally get a chance to sleep in."

Lorraine gave her friend a hug. "I will. Bye. It was nice meeting you, Hawk."

Hawkeye turned and looked at the door. "Oh, you're leaving already? Well I'll see you tomorrow."

Lorraine smiled and then walked out the door. Margaret shut it and then locked it. She walked over to the table and started to clean it up bringing things into the kitchen where they belonged. It took her a few minutes and then she went into the living room with Hawkeye. "So, what did you think of her?"

"Who? Oh, yeah. She's nice."

Margaret looked at him oddly and sat down in the chair. "You know, you were a little rude tonight."

"Me? Rude? Never."

Margaret narrowed her eyes at his sarcasm. "She's one of my oldest and dearest friends. We grew up together."

"Well good for you." He kept his eyes focused on the TV screen.

"What's your problem? I've never known you to act that way."

He sat up strait and looked her in the eye. "I have no problem. And if you think I was rude, why don't you take a good look at yourself."

"Me?!" Margaret asked in surprised. She placed a hand on her chest, "I didn't do a damn thing, you were the one acting like an ass!"

"What? Just because I didn't want to sit there and listen to you two drool over guys?" He said angrily.

"Lorraine tried several times to talk to you but you..."

Hawkeye rolled his eyes and stood up before she could finish, "She didn't try to do shit."

"How can you say that? Every time she said something to you, you'd blow her off and walk away." Margaret didn't like how lightly he was taking this. Lorraine was one of her best friends and he'd acted appallingly towards her.

Hawkeye turned around and started walking away, "I should've known, you all always stick together."

Margaret jumped to her feet and started to follow him. "What the hell does that mean?!"

"You know damn well what that means." He walked into the bedroom and tried to shut the door before she got in.

She pushed the door back. "No I don't. Do you mean women?"

"Guess again." He walked to the bathroom.

"Does this have to do with the army?"

He turned the water on in the shower to let it get warm. "Bingo."

"Damn it, Hawk! Why do you insist on blaming all of our problems on the army?"

"I couldn't imagine why." He took his shirt off and tossed it in the hamper.

Her jaw clenched and her eyes flared. Why was everything always her fault? He wasn't perfect by any means. "You can't tell me that you're life was perfect before the army got in the picture."

"It was damn close." He unzipped his pants and pulled them off.

Her hand slapped her legs in anger. "It was not! And it won't be perfect after either. You're acting like a complete ass."

"Then we should get along just fine."

Margaret breathed sharply. "Why do you always do this? Why do you always find some way to blame everything on me?" She demanded.

"Oh sure, everything that happens to us is my fault!" He yelled.

"I never said that!" She said angrily.

"You didn't have to, I know how you really feel," he told her. "If I wasn't here your life would be a whole lot easier."

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

Hawkeye knew she'd never understand. She'd just tell him he was being stupid. "Why don't you just go after your friend," he told her. Hawkeye took off his boxers and threw them across the room as he got into the shower.

It took everything she had not to tear that curtain down and then him next. Maybe it would be better if she just left the room for now. She walked over and flushed the toilet and then stomped out of the room. "There, you bastard. Enjoy the hot water," she said to herself as she walked through the bedroom.

Margaret busied herself in the kitchen. There was always something hat could be done to clean up. At least that's what she thought. When she saw it was all clean, she opened the refrigerator and started to throw out old food. She needed something to do and something to take her anger out on before she tore Hawkeye to shreds.

Hawkeye put on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and then went to the kitchen. Margaret was in there throwing things around. He avoided her target area and grabbed himself a cup of water. Then he started to walk away. "Wait just a minute!" She demanded. "You can't just forget about this!"

"No shit. So, why don't we fight? That's what we always seem to do anyway. And what's the reason for most of our fighting?"

"That you're a jack ass!"

"Of course that's how you see it." He walked into the living room.

She followed him. "Don't walk away from me!

"Isn't that what you want?"

"NO!"

"You want me to get out of here and make everything better for you. It would fix all your problems."

She stood with her hands on her hips, shoulder's squared. "Oh? Because I was under the impression that I was the one that caused all of our problems."

"It's your army that does. Even tonight."

"You know what Hawkeye? The army has been my entire life. I grew up in it, I joined. What the hell do you expect from me?"

Hawkeye set his water down on the coffee table and took seat on the couch. He rubbed a hand over his jaw and then bowed his head and scratched the back of his neck. "I don't know anymore," he sighed.

Margaret was getting frustrated. "What do you mean you don't know? You stood there and verbally attacked me and then you..."

Before Margaret could finish Hawkeye was on his feet. "How dare you," he said coldly. "You know what you are? You're a goddamned hypocrite!"

"You bastard!" She spat.

Hawkeye shot her nasty look and then moved away from her. "You know something, you keep telling me that I'm more important then the Army, but sometimes I don't think you really mean that."

Margaret's jaw was clenched shut; she was trying her hardest not to explode. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I...I...can't believe you," she said through gritted teeth.

"But that's what it is isn't it?" He asked her. "I don't fit in with your friends, your lifestyle, or your family."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about," he said painfully as he moved even further away from her. "If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be having problems with your family, you wouldn't have to doubt their love for you or whether your parents would consider coming to your wedding. You wouldn't have to worry about what your friends thought of you, you were one of them, you fit in. Face it Margaret, you're scared to death of marrying me."

It would have been so easy to admit what he wanted her to, even though it was a bold faced lie. At least it would have shocked him. "You want me to be scared! You want to blame any and all problems on me. It's a lot easier than accepting the responsibility."

"I'm not saying that. You may love me, and I know you do, but do I fit in to your plan?"

"My plan?"

"Yes. Am I what you want? Do you want me to part of your life?"

"Yes! What a stupid question."

"Do you want me because I want you or do want me because you really love me."

She looked into his eyes seeing some of his insecurities for the first. "I don't understand why you even have to ask."

"That's part of the problem." He walked away.

Margaret stood there trying to figure out what he meant. Of course she wanted him. She loved him. Was she still pushing him away? She didn't see how. "Hawkeye, wait. Please don't walk away."

"I'll be right back," he called.

Margaret sat down in the chair and placed her head in her hands. They had been getting along so well and had a wonderful day together. What happened? Lorraine was what happened, but she hadn't done anything wrong. She wasn't mean or rude. Margaret tried to include him in their conversation and for that matter so did Lorraine. This ran deeper than one evening. She looked up when she saw Hawkeye. "Sit down."

He took a seat on the couch and grabbed his water. "Maybe I was a little rude." He decided that he would be the first to admit any mistake. At least then they could move on to working on things rather than fighting about them.

"Maybe I was too." She looked into his eyes. Hawkeye didn't say anything; he just sat there starring back at her. He was at a loss for words. "Hawkeye," she reached out and touched his hand gently. "Please, talk to me."

Hawkeye looked down at their hands. "Are you sure this is what you want?" He asked her finally. "Are you sure you want to put yourself through this?"

"Do I want to put myself through what?"

"Do you want to give it all up for me?"

"Honey, you're not making any sense," she told him.

"I can't compete with your past, and I'm sick of trying," he said. Margaret didn't disrupt him this time, she just sat there watching him, he was in obvious distress. "I hate sitting here all day, waiting for you to come home and then end up being pushed aside just like that. I hate feeling useless, like all I've done has just made everything so much more complicated." Hawkeye picked up her other hand and ran his thumbs across her fingers. "That's why I got angry tonight, I was jealous. All I do is sit here and wait, wait for the weekend when we can be together. That's why I came here, to be with you. When I heard that you wanted to go out and spend the day with her and not me, I felt those old feelings rise up. I felt like I was being robbed."

She looked into his blue hurting eyes with some understanding for the first time that night. "I don't mean to make you feel that way."

"I know you don't, but you do. The weekend is all we have. Most of the week you push me away and I want the weekends to be ours."

She nodded. How could she be so blind? He was only feeling that way because he loved her so much. "I'll call Lorraine tomorrow and tell her you and I had plans."

"You already told her we didn't."

"So I'll make something up." He was more important than any other person on earth. Everyone else could wait.

He smiled a little. "No. You go spend some time with your friend."

"But I want to be with you. Even if we went somewhere tomorrow, I wanted you to come with me."

"No, honey. Go have a good time."

"I don't want to leave you alone."

He didn't want her to feel that way just because she was feeling bad for him. He wanted her to feel that way because she wanted to be with him, and for no other reason. "You go, just don't spend all day with her."

"Are you sure?" He nodded. "Are you positive?"

"Yes." He looked into her eyes and then pulled her to sit next to him on the couch. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the side of her head. "I'm sorry I blamed you for everything."

"We fight too much. Are we going to be able to make it?"

"I'm a hundred percent sure that we will. The beginning is always the toughest. We'll get some of our obstacles out of the way once we get married and get out of here."

She nodded her head without looking up at him. Sometimes it was easier to tell him her feelings when she didn't look him in the eye. "I want you to know something. If I could leave right now, I would. I would drop everything and forget about everyone for you."

He smiled. "I don't want you to do that." After a moment he spoke again. "Well maybe there are a few people." She looked up him. Hurt and uncertainty all over her face. "I'm kidding."

Margaret gave him a menacing look and then laid her head on his shoulder again. "I meant every word," she told him softly. "I would do anything for you."

"Hey," Hawkeye lifted her chin. "I know you would." He kissed her forehead gently.

Margaret pulled away for him suddenly, "Are you sure you don't want me to cancel? If you want me to stay home I will."

That was it, she had hit it right on the head. Hawkeye wanted her to want to be with him like he wanted to be with her. "No, you go ahead," he told her almost reluctantly. "I'll be fine."

"If you're sure..." she watched him, waiting to see if he changed his mind.

Hawkeye placed a hand on her back, "I'm sure."

"All right then, as long as you're okay with it."

"Margaret," she was starting to get over worked. "I'll be fine. Go have fun with your friend. I know you want to."

Margaret beamed at him and kissed his cheek, "Thanks honey."

"Sure." He couldn't help but smile at her smile. That was a huge weakness he had. Whenever she was happy he couldn't be mad, and whenever she cried, he couldn't be mad. It was a lose, lose situation for him, but what could he do? His goal was to make her happy.

After a few minutes of silence Margaret spoke up again. "I'm not even tired."

"That's because you were drinking coffee."

"I never should have done that."

"Yeah."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," she sighed leaning against him.

"Why is it that you were more than happy to drink coffee with your friend, but not with me?"

She hadn't thought of it like that. There was a lot she hadn't thought of lately. "What?" She was stalling for time now.

He pulled her off of him so she was sitting up and he could look at her. "I know you heard me."

"I...I don't know."

"So you were willing to stay up late with her and not me?" He asked her quickly.

"Well," she considered what he was asking. "Yes."

"But why?" He didn't understand that. "Why couldn't you stay up with me and not her?"

"I haven't seen Lorraine for a long time, I didn't mind staying up later than normal so we could talk."

"And yet you don't want to stay up and to talk to me?"

"Hawkeye, we don't exactly talk when we stay up," she told him.

"Well that doesn't mean we can't."

"Honey, I know how you are, how we both are. Once you're satisfied, talking is the last thing you want to do."

He looked into her eyes wondering where that came from. It sounded vaguely familiar to him. Then he remembered. She had told him before that everything he did always seemed to lead to sex and that was his goal. But that wasn't the case. "I still don't understand. I was so angry when I saw you sitting here drinking a cup of coffee."

"I didn't do it to make you mad."

"We had such a good day today and look how it ended."

"Its not over yet."

"It may as well be," he sighed. "I don't know what you want from me, Margaret. I do know that I'm not here just for your amusement and to use when its convenient for you."

"Do you really think I use you?"

"No." That wasn't a hard question. "I do think you don't show it sometimes."

"Neither do you, Hawkeye. How do you think I feel when everything you do leads to sex? That's all any man ever wanted from me."

"That's not true with me."

"Yes, but both times this week that you made an extra effort to spend time with me we ended up having sex, and I know you were expecting the same tonight. That's the real reason you were so mad about Lorraine coming."

Okay, so that did have something to do with it, but that wasn't everything. She had been grinding on his lap. Of course he was aroused. "I want to be with you all the time. I know that if I can get you in bed that you won't go anywhere. You'll be right there and let me hold you all night. I feel like I'm in a competition with everyone and everything for you. Like I have to fight for you."

"And you don't want to fight for me?"

"No, I don't," he told her honestly. "I'm here because I want to be with you, and I thought you wanted to be with me."

"I told you that you're the most important thing to me, what more do you want?" She asked almost curtly.

"I shouldn't have to fight for your affection, that's the thing. Have you noticed that every time we have sex I have to initiate it?"

"That's not true and you know it."

"Yes it is Margaret. You just sat there and told me not two minutes ago."

"You told me that you were happy because we never talk..."

"And then you complained that everything I do leads to sex. I don't hear you complaining, I don't see you pushing me away...I can't help it if I find you exciting and I want to be with you all the time. You must know by now that I'm not screwing you for the hell of it." Hawkeye suddenly stood up.

Margaret stood up. He wasn't the only one that was mad. "Do you know what you want?!"

"Yes! Damn it! I want you."

"When do you want me? Every minute of everyday? Because I can't give you that. I love you, but I will not lose myself in you. You knew I was independent when you asked me to marry you. Yes, I love the affection you show me and how you always tell me that you love me, but I do have another part of my life that doesn't have anything to do with you."

"Why the hell is that?"

"Because, damn it! It was there before you were. Those friends, my family, my work, they were all part of my life before you came in and I can't just let them go."

"You just said you would."

"And you said you wouldn't ask me to."

"And I wouldn't!"

"Hawkeye, what do you want? I'm almost thirty years old. I come with baggage. Not as much as some, but I did live a life without you once."

"And you want to again."

"NO! "

"Why can't you make me a part of that part of your life?"

"My work? That's over in a few weeks, and you never wanted anything to do with it. Why do you think I come home and don't say anything about my day? My family, God knows you want nothing to do with them. And then there are my friends. If tonight was any indication of that, you won't want anything to do with them either." Hawkeye couldn't speak, he was afraid if he opened his mouth he'd say something he'd regret. With a few throwing glances he turned around and calmly walked away. "Now where are you going?" She called after him.

"I need a drink," he said as he continued walking.

Margaret was hot on his heels the whole way. When he turned around she was standing right behind him. "Come on, let me have it." She knew he wanted to say something really pitied.

"You don't think I tried? It's not my fault they don't like me."

"Who?"

"Your family, your friends..."

"You didn't even try with Lorraine."

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said sarcastically as he turned his back to her again. "It was stupid of me to let you and your friend talk."

"You could have joined us, we both asked you to."

"So you could do what?!" He suddenly erupted. "Talk about the Army and boys?"

"Lorraine is my best friend; I wanted you two to get to know each other."

"Yeah, yeah."

Her jaw clenched tight and her nostrils flared. "I have very few people that mean anything to me in my life. You know that about me! Why couldn't you make an effort to get to know her?"

"Maybe I didn't want to."

"What?!" She screamed. "You're being such an asshole tonight."

"Fine, and you're being a bitch." He said flatly without remorse.

She placed her hands on his chest and shoved him. Then walked away. "Don't talk to me!"

Hawkeye rolled his eyes and got himself that drink. They were both getting carried away now and saying things that they didn't mean. He was bad about that. He had a big mouth. After a few minutes he began to cool off some. "Margaret," he called as he walked out of the kitchen. She wasn't in the living room. "Margaret." Still no answer. He walked into the bedroom and that's when he heard the water running in the bathroom. He knocked on the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. "Margaret, let me in."

"Go away!"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I told you not to talk to me!"

He sighed and left her alone. She needed some time to cool down too. She was a lot more fragile than she liked to think. He'd have to find a way to fix things. How could he make her understand where he was coming from. Her life was full at the moment. She wasn't missing anything. Her days were full and she got to come home to someone that loved her very much. All he could do was wait for that person that he loved to walk through the door every night. Things needed to change because it was driving him crazy and hurting their relationship.

Hawkeye picked up his pants off the floor and pulled them on. He knew that as soon as she got out of the bathroom they were going to start yelling again. Yelling was just something he couldn't handle at the moment. He'd already said some pretty regretful things, he didn't need to say anything else. Hawkeye pulled out a clean shirt from his drawer and put that on along with a regular button down shirt. He grabbed his wallet off the nightstand and walked out. They both needed some time to cool down and the only way they would be able to do that is if they were apart for a while. Seeing as Margaret didn't want to be around him anyway, that shouldn't have been too difficult.

He didn't know where he was going; he just knew he needed to get away. Sometimes he didn't understand Margaret at all. He had moved to Virginia to be with her, yet there were times when she didn't seem to appreciate it. They didn't see each other at all during the week, Margaret was always too busy to pay attention to him. The two days that she was free all he wanted to do was spend it with her. What was so wrong with wanting to hold her and lie next to her? What was so bad about wanting to be with her and make love to her? In all his life, that included being with Margaret, he'd never met a woman who didn't want to be touched and held.

Margaret stepped out of the bathroom wrapped him a towel fully expecting Hawkeye to be there ready to fight with her. She was a little confused when she didn't see him, but she didn't go look for him. She grabbed a pair of pajamas and got into them, washed her face, brushed her hair, and cleaned up the bedroom and bathroom. Still there was no sign of Hawkeye. She had calmed down and decided it was time to go look for him. It was time to clear the air a little bit.

She walked out into the living room and he wasn't there. He had to be in the kitchen. There place wasn't big at all. Much to her surprise he wasn't there either. She stood there looking around for a moment under it finally hit her that he wasn't there. For a minute she was angry that he would leave, but then she remember what she had said to him. Why would he possibly stay around when she said that to him?

There wasn't anything she could do. She didn't have anyone to call to see if he was there. He didn't have anywhere to go that she knew of. Taking a look around at the crowed apartment she decided that the best thing she could do was watch TV. She shut the lights off and curled up on the couch with a blanket watching some old movie. She couldn't sleep; all she could do was wait for Hawkeye. Not knowing where he was or if he was safe would prevent her from any sleep. She got as comfortable as she could and stared blankly at the TV in front of her.

Margaret drifted for a while, but she never fell asleep. She couldn't go to bed without knowing he was home, deep down inside she knew he was fine, but she couldn't go to bed without knowing for sure. It was probably around two o'clock when she heard the faintly clicking of the door unlocking. She sat up when the door opened and pretended to watch the screen as he walked quietly into the room. Margaret listened as he set his keys on the table and slip off his shoes. When the light switched on in the kitchen Margaret turned off the TV and got up

When she walked into the kitchen he was standing with his back to her as he drank down a glass of water. From what she saw he didn't look drunk, then again alcohol didn't inhibit him as much as it did to some others. "Where did you go?" She asked him softly.

Hawkeye didn't turn around; instead he sat his glass down on the counter and ran a hand through his hair. "I went for a walk," he said in an equally low voice.

Margaret wasn't exactly sure what to say, he wouldn't even look at her. "Oh," she said. "Well, I'm glad you made it back safely."

Hawkeye glanced at her, "I thought you would have been in bed by now."

Margaret shook her head, "I couldn't sleep leaving it left of like we did."

"Oh." He looked down at the floor.

"So, you're okay?"

He nodded and looked down at the floor. Then he looked up. "Are you?" They both knew he wasn't talking about her physical safety.

She shrugged her shoulders. "We need to talk." He nodded and waited for her. She looked at him searching for the words, but couldn't find any. Why was it so hard for her to find the words? He wouldn't start either. They were both being stubborn. Why was it so hard to say sorry? Finally Margaret took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "Want to sit down?" Inside she kicked herself. That was dumb thing to say.

"I'm fine." He folded his arms.

"Okay." Now she needed to think of something to say. "I...I..."

"What?" He wasn't very patient with her at the moment.

"I think we should sit down." Damn it, she did it again.

Hawkeye rolled his eyes and pulled out a chair, slouching in. "Go ahead."

She sat down. "Um...why did you go?"

"What?!"

She waved her hand. Another stupid question. "Never mind."

"Margaret, we're not getting anywhere." He pointed out the obvious.

"I know," she sighed. Hawkeye crossed his arms and waited. Since she suddenly had something to say on her own behalf he wanted to hear it, it wasn't every day that this happened. Usually she focused on his weak points until he fell, it was nice to find her speechless for a change. For some odd reason, whenever they went their separate ways, Margaret calmed down while Hawkeye built himself up. "I...I was worried about you."

"You shouldn't have worried, I'm a big boy," he told her. "Besides, I had to go."

Margaret looked at the table, "I know."

"Do you think we can talk without shouting this time?"

"I do."

Hawkeye sat there and waited for her to continue. He wanted to give her the chance to begin things, but it didn't look like she could do that. She never had a problem starting a fight, but when it came to fixing it that was another story. "Margaret, in order to move forward we have to speak."

"I know that."

"So..." He paused to give her a chance to continue.

She looked down at her hands as they rested on the table. "I don't know how to start."

Hawkeye didn't seem to have much patience for her. It was time for her to take some blame. He was sick and tired of being the one that was always wrong. Sure, there were plenty of times that he was wrong, but that didn't mean she was always right. They had both said some things that they shouldn't have, and both done some things that they shouldn't have.

"I'm sorry that I ruined our weekend."

Hawkeye nodded in agreement. Maybe he was being too harsh. She didn't really ruin it, but he didn't want to tell her that just yet. "We may be able to salvage it."

She nodded. "I don't even know how this all started."

"There was a knock on the door," he stated.

She sighed. "Don't do that. It wasn't Lorraine's fault. This has nothing to do with her. This is our problem."

"You're right." He could admit that. He was starting to loose his edge. Hopefully he could keep some of his edge. More often than not he let her get away with things once the water works started. It wasn't the best thing for either of them.

"It started when I stopped paying attention to you."

"No! It started when you shut me out."

"I didn't do that."

"Margaret, think about it."

She paused for a moment giving the night some thought. "I asked you to join us."

"Yeah, to talk about men and old times. I don't like to hear you drooling over other men and I have nothing to do with those 'old times' that you two were talking about. You did shut me out."

"I hadn't seen Lorraine in over two years, she was my best friend growing up." Margaret tried to reason with him. "I didn't do it to you out of spite, I was just excited."

"Margaret, that's not the point. You know this had to do with more then just Lorraine."

"Yes, I realize that, but that's when all this started."

Hawkeye put his hands on the table, "You know that's not true. We've been having trouble long before this."

Margaret sighed, "We just had a great time today..."

"Where did it go wrong?" He was thinking the same thing.

Margaret nodded; she looked at her hands again. "I was so mad..." she stammered. "I thought you were giving me the cold shoulder because we couldn't have sex."

Hawkeye shook his head, "No, I could never be mad about that."

"You couldn't?"

"No. I would never be angry at you over that."

Margaret didn't want to admit any guilt, but she didn't have a choice in the matter this time. This issue wasn't light and something that she could pass off onto him and he would take it and let it roll off his back. This was a real problem; something complicated. "How do we fix things?"

"First step is to talk about it. Get it out in the open."

She nodded. "I haven't been too great to you, have I?"

"I wouldn't say that you've mistreated me. Have I you?"

"No." That question needed absolutely no thought. "You understand about Lorraine, don't you?"

He had given that thought and had to admit that it was a little silly to get so upset over that. That was the way he portrayed it to her. This was the time to clear that up. "Margaret, I understand that she is your friend and you want to spend time with her. I guess I just got so mad because of what it represented."

"What?" She asked him.

"You've pushed me aside a lot lately. I will admit that I ask a lot from you because I save all my energy for you, and you use most of yours at work. But that's not everything."

"I know," she sighed.

"I have nothing against Lorraine, I want you to know that," he told her sincerely.

"I know you don't." She really meant that, Lorraine just happened to come at an inopportune time.

"And," he looked into her eyes for the first time that night. "I truly am sorry for the things I said."

Margaret felt her eyes well up. She shook her head and looked at her hands again. "I said some terrible things to you..."

"We both did."

"Hawkeye," she whispered. "Are we going to be okay?" She was terrified of losing him.

Hawkeye didn't say anything for a moment, he just sat there. There was never going to be a time when they didn't argue, that was just who they were. Their personalities clashed from time to time, but then again no one was perfect. The unusual and wonderful thing about their relationship was that they were complete opposites, yet when it came to being passionate and loving, there couldn't anyone more compatible. "I think we can be."

That wasn't quite what she wanted to her. Margaret wanted him to tell her that it would be fine, that they would get over it and move on. "You think?"

"We have a problem," he told her. "It's not just going to go away like that."

The two of them ended up staying in the kitchen for close to two hours that night. Things were not perfect, and they never would be. Hawkeye tried to get across to her how he was feeling. What she was doing to him wasn't fair. He was there for her and only her. Margaret tried to tell him what she was going through, but there was so much. She didn't say much about what she was feeling and when she did it all came out wrong. Most of the time it came out in anger, and that's not what she wanted.

As hard as both of them tried to work things through, by four o'clock that morning, they hadn't fixed everything. Margaret had agreed to try to change, but it was hard when she really didn't think what she was doing was all that bad. She had to work, she was a busy woman. Hawkeye was her first love, and she didn't see that she was taking advantage of him just because he was always there. There was going to come a day when he went back to work that he wasn't going to be there when she wanted. Maybe then she would understand.

Hawkeye knew he could be a little clingy, but Margaret was all he had to hold onto. Maybe he was holding her too tight, he wasn't sure. All he knew was that he didn't want to let her go. Whatever their troubles were they would work through them or die trying. All they could do that night was agree to try. Nothing could be done at 4AM.

The phone rang at eight o'clock the next morning. Hawkeye pulled the covers up over his head and groaned. It was probably Lorraine calling to talk to Margaret about their plans for the day. Why the hell did she have to call so goddamn early in the morning? He felt Margaret shift beside him and pick up the phone. Hawkeye tried not to listen, he didn't want to listen. Of course he had told Margaret to go, but he couldn't help feeling resentment towards her for actually going. They were having problems and she wanted to go shopping. It looked like Hawkeye was looking forward to another day alone.

Please review. Will she leave him alone again? Is he making a bigger deal out of things than he should? What do you think?