Chapter 2: Portals and Portents
Strong Bad... time is very short... the time will be soon... very soon. Strong Bad, listen to me... he wants you dead, and he will stop at nothing to see you die... he will not hesitate to destroy this entire universe if he sees fit, and he will. There is only one hope... as the universe collapses around you; you must find the one known as Eh! Steve... it is the only hope to save your friends, family, and the many innocents in this universe...
Strong Bad's eyes snapped open. Suddenly he was back on his couch, slumped lazily over the armrest. A shallow teen comedy was playing on TV, and Strong Sad was still sitting on the other end of the couch, his hands clasped, his eyes focused on the floor and his voice still droning endlessly.
"So anyway, I know it's just chess-by-mail, but, well... I want a deeper relationship, and I don't know how to tell her. I don't know how it got so bad, but there's just something about the way she writes 'King's Rook takes Knight's Pawn' that just..."
Strong Bad sighed and allowed himself to relax. He had to laugh at himself. For a moment there, he had got himself all worked up over whatever the heck that voice was saying. Hanging out with Homestar must have rubbed off on him. No, there was nothing to get excited about. Just some stupid dream he had while he had fallen asleep listening to Strong Sad whine.
I am most certainly NOT a dream, young man!
Strong Bad sat bolt upright this time. Was he going crazy?
No, you're not. Now get going and find Eh! Steve! What part about the universe collapsing don't you understand?
"...and I never told anybody, but I cried for the rest of the night." Strong Sad was saying.
"Uh... sorry, man." Strong Bad said, not wanting to provoke the voice any further. "But I gotta go. I need to find Homestar." He jumped up and ran for the door.
"Oh, fine. Go ahead." Strong Sad sighed. "Go talk to Homestar. It'll probably be a lot more fun than talking to me." He settled into the couch and sighed. Suddenly something struck him. Had Strong Bad just said "sorry"? Willingly, yet? Strong Sad let out a sound of sheer incredulity as he fainted dead away.
Strong Bad's mind raced just as swiftly and frantically as his feet. Homestar was right! And if he was... was the world really coming to an end? Were they all really doomed? How the heck was he supposed to find Eh! Steve, when the dude didn't even exist? What, was this a metaphor for something? Oh, heck no. Let it be anything but a metaphor.
His train of thought was interrupted when he was suddenly knocked off his feet with a sharp blow to the stomach. Doubled over, Strong Bad was shocked to look up and see Homestar grinning down at him.
"Homestar?" Strong Bad asked, rubbing his sore midsection. "What the crap..."
"Punch buggy!" Homestar said with a smile.
"Homestar, I've told you before!" Strong Bad raged, climbing to his feet. "You're only supposed to do that when you see a Volkswagen!"
"Ooooh. Sowwy." Homestar said, sheepishly. "I forgot again."
"There's more important stuff going on." Strong Bad declared. "You remember that voice you heard yesterday?"
"Oh, come on, Stwong Bad." Homestar dismissed. "I heard enough of that fwom Marzipan last night."
"No, Homestar! It's all real!" Strong Bad yelled.
"What, sewiously?" Homestar asked.
"No kidding, man. I heard it myself just now." Strong Bad insisted. "I don't know all of what's going on, but it sounds really bad. We're talking cataclysmic level here."
"Gweat." Homestar said. "What should we do now? Should we tell the King?"
"Oh, please." Strong Bad scoffed. "What would the King do? Eat the guy who's destroying the universe? Not that I'd put it past him, but..."
"Maybe we could ask that purple guy." Homestar said, thoughtfully.
"What purple guy?" Strong Bad asked, swinging around. He followed Homestar's line of sight and saw that what appeared to be a tear in reality had just appeared out of nowhere. It glowed an electric purple and crackled like fire.
"Can I touch it?" Homestar asked, eagerly.
"Better not, man." Strong Bad cautioned. "We'd better tell the others about this before..."
The thought was not completed, as the void suddenly began attracting matter like a super-powered vacuum cleaner. Strong Bad attempted to grab something for traction, but his glove only clutched empty air. "Great, man. Just great." He yelled as he and Homestar were sucked into the vortex. "Now we're ripping off Stargaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...." The vortex hummed and crackled, and then vanished.
--
Ducks. Why were so many ducks running around? Some of them were small and wore oddly stylish helmets, and others were taller and paced relentlessly. Not that the rest of the world was really worth pacing to begin with. Mostly a large area of solid black segmented by lines of ultraviolet red, blue and green. There is a reason people don't play video games like this anymore. With a brilliant flash, Homestar Runner and Strong Bad suddenly found themselves in the middle of this 4-bit mayhem.
"Whoa!" Homestar gasped. "Head wush!"
"Well, I'll be a three-legged mule." A monotone voice droned. "More visitors."
Both turned and saw the Homestar Runner staring blankly at them. "Who are you, Smokey Joe?" Strong Bad demanded.
"I'm the Homestar Runner." The monochrome figure intoned.
"You are? Cool! So am I!" Homestar exclaimed. "Maybe we could start a club!"
"Believe me, you don't want me to have a club right about now." Strong Bad growled.
"I was hoping you fellers could tell me how I got to this hooch parlor." The Homestar Runner added. "Alla these bright colours are hurtin' my ol' eyes."
"Uh, it's pretty complicated." Strong Bad explained. "Do you know what universal decay is?"
"I think that's the place where rich folks go to get educated." The Homestar Runner hedged.
Strong Bad sighed. The rest of the populace didn't look any more perceptive. A large hairy man and what looked like an old-fashioned version of himself were having a duel, a mop and a large ugly rat substituting for rapiers. There was a human-shaped outline jogging constantly, not seeming to notice he was on a treadmill. And an admittedly handsome face was floating at the end of the corridor, firing rectangles at random ducks to make them explode.
"Okay, okay." Strong Bad said, raising his voice and addressing all and sundry. "Does anybody here know where we can find Eh! Steve?"
"SHOOT IM UP A GENN!" the floating Strong Bad head gargled, firing another rectangle, which broke apart when it struck the wall.
"I'll take that as a no." Strong Bad sighed. "What do we do now?" His question received a very prompt and blunt answer.
An explosive roar echoed through the area as a very angry and somewhat hungry rhino crashed onto the scene, stampeding down the corridor and scattering a few errant ducks. "Let's see..." Hallrunner mused. "Should I fight, talk, or j... AAAAARGGGGHHH!" he screamed as the rhino brutally bashed him into a wall without slowing its pace. "Now I'll never get 700 points..." Hallrunner sniffled.
"Alarm and consternation!" The Strong Bad bristled. "Yon rampaging beast has placed us both in jeopardy! Shall we table this disagreement for the nonce, barbarian?"
"I would have to agree, oh bearer of facial wax." Thy Dungeonman concurred, the two disengaging from their duel and shrinking against the wall to grant the rhino passage. Unfortunately, Homestar, Strong Bad and the Homestar Runner were still in the pugnacious pachyderm's path.
"Oh, great." Strong Bad groaned. "The only way we could stop the rhino is to feed him something, and I think he'd find Homestar a bit too stringy..."
"Yeah, I think I have too much dark meat." Homestar shrugged.
"Perhaps old Fido would care for some dry meal." The Homestar Runner mumbled, whipping out a sack of the bland, dusty corn powder.
Remarkably, the gambit worked. Upon seeing the sack of fodder, the rhinoceros stopped in his tracks, lowered his head and docilely began to feed.
"All wight!" Homestar cheered. "Evewything's gonna be all wight now! Way to go, old me!"
"Don't say that, Homestar." Strong Bad warned. "That's just asking for something ironic to happen."
Sure enough, it was then that the floating Strong Bad head decided to shoot another rectangle, this one hitting the rhino in the flank. The rhino reared up his head, angry at being interrupted mid-meal but basically unhurt (c'mon, it's a rectangle, for crying out loud). The snarling beast once again lowered his head and charged. The Strong Bad head shot more rectangles at the approaching behemoth, but in vain. The rhino rammed the head head-on, appropriately enough.
"Ooh! Not in any way good!" Homestar winced.
"OH NO" The floating Strong Bad head warbled. "MY HEAD A SPLODE A GENN!" His red gridlines flashed white-hot.
"Hit the dirt!" Strong Bad screamed as the massed characters threw themselves at the ground as one. With one exception.
"...What?" The Homestar Runner asked.
VOOP!
GAME OVER THANKYOU FOR-PLAYING.
--
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER AND THE STRONG BAD NEARLY GET KILLED PAINFULLY
A KID'S BOOK BY MIKE & CRAIG
Bright sunshine gradually filtered through Strong Bad's crinkled eyelids. He grumbled something unintelligible and sat up, his head spinning. Finally he opened his eyes and saw that he and Homestar were sitting in some sort of grassy meadow. "Uggggh." Strong Bad grunted, rubbing his eyes. "How the crap did we survive that?"
"I dunno, Stwong Bad. Maybe we had an extwa continue!" Homestar suggested.
"Where are we now?" Strong Bad asked, looking around. "Are we... back home?"
"Hmm." Homestar muttered. "I seem to wemember home being... more well-dwawn than this." Truly, the meadow at least resembled Free Country, only with much cruder outlining and colouring. "Maybe we're in Ewok-land!" Homestar added.
The sound of excited cheering echoed across the glade. "C'mon, Homestar." Strong Bad commanded. "Let's go see what's going on over there. Maybe somebody could help us."
The two crested the nearby hill and saw some sort of sporting event taking place. A nearby banner read "STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD COMPETITION '97". Approaching the crowd, Homestar and Strong Bad saw some very familiar people...
"Holy crap!" Strong Bad exclaimed, pointing out the four rock musicians. "Do you know who those guys are?"
"Uh... the Blue Man Gwoup?" Homestar guessed.
"No, you uncultured moron!" Strong Bad accosted. "That's Limozeen, man! Supreme titans among men!"
"HEY, STRONG BAD!" Larry yelled as he saw the new arrivals. "HOW'S THE PREZ OF OUR BIGGEST FAN CLUB?"
"Not bad, dude!" Strong Bad replied. "I also took over as secretary-treasurer last season."
"Ooh, look!" A sketchy pigtailed girl sitting with the band screeched. "It's a baseball guy and a wrestledude! I bet they have muscles!"
"Cheerleader, I thought the four of us were double-dating." A somewhat dumpier girl remarked.
"It's okay, I'll triple-date!" the cheerleader insisted.
"I bet that skinny guy can hit it off the backstop!" a downright ugly girl chimed in.
"Wrestleguys smell like gym mat. And elbows." A rather prettier girl added.
"So, uh, what are you guys doing here?" Strong Bad asked, ignoring the girls. "Goodwill tour?"
"Peh. You got me, dude." Gary shrugged. "Me and the guys just woke up one day in this school with all of these weird girls, and then some kind of scotch mint attacked us, and then we fell through some sorta flashing thing and ended up here. I really hope I remember all of this when I wake up, because this would make for one heck of a song."
"So you've travelled between the worlds too?" Strong Bad asked.
"Call it what you want, man." Marry grumbled. "I call it one heck of a head trip. Almost enough to get me to swear off the furniture polish."
"Tewwific athletes learn to say no, man." Homestar lectured.
"So, have you guys ran into Eh! Steve on your travels?" Strong Bad asked, eagerly.
"Uh... yeah, I remember him." Marry remarked. "He got hit with a bus or something two years ago. Sorry, dude."
"No, dude, I think that was A. Reeve, the drummer for Radyatur." Perry countered.
"You callin' me wrong again?" Marry accused.
"Never mind." Strong Bad sighed. "I guess we're in the wrong place again."
The rest of the crowd cheered, and the rest turned to the main action. Mr. Bland and Senor had been unable to hoist their grapes properly, and the cheery-looking Robot appeared to be the winner of the day.
"Defeated again, right, Senor?" Mr. Bland sighed.
"Pueblos festivos." Senor shrugged.
VOIP!
Suddenly the Robot's grapes crashed to the ground, as did the Robot itself, its smoking wreckage lacking a head. All gasped when they saw a second Robot storming onto the scene, his visor glowing red.
"It's been a while since I've been to one of these, but I don't think that was supposed to happen." Homestar said.
"I smell detritus." What's Her Face sadly observed.
The crowd screamed and fled in all directions as the Robot began firing at anybody he saw. Strong Bad and Homestar saw another flashing portal ahead of them and jumped through, leaving the carnage and suffering and lamentations of the womens and childrens behind.
--
Strong Bad blinked, trying to clear the afterimages ravaging his vision. Finally he opened his eyes and saw that they had most definitely ended up in another world yet again, and a decidedly less-friendly one at that. The sky was black and crackled with violent thunder. The ground mostly consisted of scorched rock and dead trees. A few broken metal objects littered the scene, as well as what appeared to be blackened human and animal remains. A heavy wind howled constantly, echoing in the sheer emptiness of the barren plateau.
"Where the crap are we now?" Strong Bad growled, clambering unsteadily to his feet, ignoring the pounding in his head. Something told him a headache was the least of his worries in this place.
Homestar looked around, thoughtfully. "Maybe we died and ended up in heaven."
"What?!" Strong Bad was incredulous. "Does this dump look heavenly in the slightest to you?"
"Not weally." Homestar shrugged. "But I did say maybe."
Strong Bad brought a glove to his eyes, shading himself from the glare of the frequent lightning strikes. He spotted a large stone obelisk and, hoping for some information as to their whereabouts, ran up to it. The obelisk proved to be an information sign, and the information was bleak.
WELCOME TO PEASANTRY
POPULATION: DEAD
"So much for getting help from the locals." Strong Bad snarled, spitefully kicking a loose skull away. "Homestar, what do you say we..."
"Oh, no!" Homestar gasped, his eyes wide.
"Homestar, what's wrong?" Strong Bad asked, warily.
"They did it! They blew it up!" Homestar screamed. "They blew it all up!"
"Homestar..." Strong Bad growled, warningly.
"They blew it all up!" Homestar sobbed, falling to his knees. "Why? WHY? Curse you, you maniacs! Curse you all!"
"Homestar!" Strong Bad shouted. This was not the time.
"No! Noooooo!" Homestar sobbed, weeping pitifully. Then he sat up and looked at Strong Bad, smiling broadly. "Boy, if they give awards for this Internet stuff, I'm a contender for sure!"
"I'll give you an award across the top of your skull if you don't..." Strong Bad threatened, but was interrupted by Homestar jumping up to a small pile of smashed stones.
"Let my people go!" Homestar shouted. "Soylent Gween is people!"
His award-winning performance was interrupted decisively by a thrown rock impacting his head and knocking him off the pile. "I'd like to thank my pwess agent and all of the little people..." Homestar slurred, stars dancing around his head.
"Alright, Mr. Charleston, let's get..." Strong Bad commanded, but stopped short when he realized that Homestar was not alone on the other side of the pile. Right next to him sat a small baby wrapped in a blanket. "Oh, geez." Strong Bad whispered. Despite the danger of the situation, it just didn't seem right to see an infant stranded alone in this tomb.
The baby raised an eyebrow. "You fellows aren't from around here, are you?" he asked in perfect upper English cadence.
"Wow, Stwong Bad! I can understand the language of the babies!" Homestar exclaimed. "I must vow to only use this power for good!"
"Or maybe you've just finally found somebody to talk with on your mental level." Strong Bad scoffed. "Besides, I understood him too. What's the deal with this place, kid?" he asked.
"This is Peasantry. Well, it was." The baby explained. "Unfortunately, he showed up too many times, and, well, this is all that's left. I only came back for sentimental reasons, and I doubt I'll even come here ever again."
"He?" Strong Bad echoed. "Who's he?"
"He's the one who did all of this." The baby said, gesturing. "And if you stick around for too long, he'll get you as well. You'll end up like poor Squire Dashing over there." He added, pointing to the long-abandoned remains of a thatched hut, a broken statue erected nearby.
"What happened to him?" Strong Bad asked, pressing the issue. "Who did all of this?"
"Stwong Bad, you shouldn't waise your voice at him." Homestar scolded. "It might hinder his emotional development."
"I'll hinder your brain activity if you don't keep your mouth shut." Strong Bad warned. He turned back and saw that the baby had left, and was crawling toward the river.
"Hey, wait!" Strong Bad yelled. "You didn't answer! What happened here?"
"If you stay here you'll find out first-hand." The baby cautioned, jumping into the river. "Farewell!" he shouted as he swam over the horizon.
"Great." Strong Bad growled. "We still don't know what's going on here!"
"Maybe that statue can tell us." Homestar suggested.
"Homestar, this might come as a shock, but most people don't carry on conversations with stone objects." Strong Bad countered.
"Oh. Their loss, I guess." Homestar shrugged.
Strong Bad examined the statue, which was cast in the likeness of a T-shirt-clad young man. Its head had fallen off years ago, but the inscription was still mostly legible. Strong Bad wiped off the dust and crumbling stone and read.
Here be the domicile of RATHER DASHING
A de-scented Peasant of high standards and short pants
Missed by all he owed pittance to
He was on some date or other slain in combat by the BURNINATOR
Something caught in Strong Bad's throat as he read the final line. The Burninator? No. It was impossible. It must have been a coincidence of names. Trogdor wasn't real. He couldn't be. Strong Bad was his creator. Wasn't he?
"Whoa." Homestar whispered, reading the inscription himself. "I guess we can wule out the chicken pox, then."
"Well, I'm not gonna just stand here and wait for whatever got all of these people to get me." Strong Bad affirmed, standing up and looking for a viable direction to keep walking. "I want to know what the crap has been going on, and I'm not giving up until I've found out. And maybe give whoever's behind this a good kick in the pants."
"You know something, Stwong Bad?" Homestar piped up.
"I'll regret this, but what's on your so-called mind?" Strong Bad replied, scanning the horizon out of the periphery of his vision for a familiar S-shaped profile, even though he knew it was ridiculous to be watching for something that didn't exist.
"Well, I'm normally not vewy weligious, but I weally hope that Dangewesque shows up and wescues us all." Homestar solemnly observed. "If anybody could get us out of this pickle, he could."
Something broke within Strong Bad. It was bad enough that he was being herky-jerked through these bizarro dimensions for no apparent reason, never knowing whether he would ever get back home, or even if his home still existed, but this was trying his patience. He had tried he best to keep his cool, even when Homestar made his little comments, but this was hitting it too close. "Homestar," he snapped. "Dangeresque isn't real."
"Sure he is!" Homestar insisted in all confidence. "I've seen both his movies personally."
"Homestar, Dangeresque movies are works of fiction." Strong Bad explained. "I mean, I'm Dangeresque. Dangeresque is me."
"What?" Homestar looked stricken, and slightly hurt. "No you're not! You can't be!"
"Homestar..." Strong Bad was amazed at how patient he was being, as though he were addressing a child. "I am Dangeresque. I write the scripts, and I direct the movies, and I play Dangeresque. Dangeresque is just me with sunglasses."
"But... no!" Homestar's voice cracked slightly. "That can't..."
"Oh, come on, Homestar!" Strong Bad yelled. "You should know! You're in the freakin' movies, too! You're Dangeresque Too!"
"I just thought that we looked a lot alike..." Homestar whimpered, trembling.
"Homestar." Strong Bad said with finality. "It's not real."
Homestar's eyes widened with betrayed shock. And suddenly, he was gone in a red and white blur.
"Homestar!" Strong Bad yelled into the empty air. "Homestar!" No answer, except for his own voice echoing off the crumbling cliffs.
Strong Bad felt a curious sensation of loyalty. The hardened, self-serving side of him that governed most of his actions was telling him to just continue on his own. Homestar was, above all, dead weight, he told himself. But another side of him was urging him to find Homestar and continue together. Being left at the fate of whatever this thing was seemed too cruel to wish on anybody. Not to mention the possibility of what would happen if he somehow made it home on his own. What would he say to the others? They would never forgive him for leaving Homestar to die. In truth, he wasn't entirely sure that he would be able to forgive himself. Ignoring his common sense, he climbed over the rise and scanned for Homestar.
He needn't have looked far. Homestar was sitting on what looked like a mossy hill, which was a pleasing shade of green in the sea of purple-grey rock. "Homestar, look..." Strong Bad rationalized as he approached.
"I don't wanna talk to you." Homestar pouted, not bothering to look Strong Bad in the eye.
"Homestar, don't take it so hard." Strong Bad insisted, standing on the green hill, near twin geysers which emitted thick smoke at regular intervals.
"Evewything I've ever been told is a lie." Homestar whispered.
"Oh, don't be like that, Homestar." Strong Bad scolded. "I thought that you already knew that Dangeresque wasn't real. I wasn't trying to keep anything from you, man."
"Is Marzipan weal?" Homestar asked, looking Strong Bad in the eye at last.
So that was it. "She sure is, man." Strong Bad affirmed. "She's real, and I am, and Pom Pom and The Cheat and everybody else."
"You're not twying to twick me again?" Homestar asked, his regular optimism beginning to shine once more.
"No tricks, man. Awesome dude's honour." Strong Bad pledged. "And we have to keep going if we want to find Eh! Steve and see everybody again." Strong Bad was slightly amazed at his own words. He had taken an understandably nihilistic view of the situation, but in his attempts to comfort Homestar, he had nearly convinced himself that maybe, just maybe, they might get through this.
"All wight." Homestar declared, standing up and adjusting his hat. "Let's get going, so I can see Marzipan and the others again."
"That's more like it, man." Strong Bad replied.
Rrrrrrrrrrumble.
"Uh, Stwong Bad?" Homestar asked. "Did you just say wumble?"
"I was kinda hoping you did, man." Strong Bad replied. A pungent odour assaulted his senses. "Eeech. Smells like...sulphur." Strong Bad sniffed.
"Maybe somebody's having a cookout!" Homestar suggested.
Suddenly the hill rose violently beneath them, placing them a good three stories above where they had been sitting previous. Spinning around, Strong Bad's mind processed three interesting facts simultaneously.
Number one, Trogdor, it seemed, was real in this universe after all. Two, they were currently standing on his snout. Three, it was a very good thing that his bladder was already empty, because it definitely would be empty now.
The dragon's eyes glinted with bestial delight as they scoped the very tempting morsels sitting on its snout. A massive tongue licked across scaled lips in anticipation, and irregular puffs of smoke sputtered from its nostrils. "Um, Stwong Bad?" Homestar asked.
"What?" Strong Bad replied, his mind racing.
Homestar suddenly lunged forward, driving his foot decisively into the dragon's eye. The beast let out a pained howl as it reared back, Homestar and Strong Bad falling to safety. They ran the instant they hit the ground, leaving Trogdor to thrash about in pain, his fiery breath blasting in every direction, his massive arm demolishing the nearby cliffs as it flailed wildly.
"Well, what did you want to ask me?" Strong Bad asked as they ran.
"Oh, wight." Homestar replied. "Do you think I shoulda kicked him in the eye?"
"Sure. I mean, whatever works." Strong Bad replied.
"ROAAAAAARRRRR!" Trogdor screamed, recovered from the blow and more determined than ever to make a meal out of the fleeing pair. Within five thunderous paces he was nearly upon them. Strong Bad could feel the flames licking at his heels. While he couldn't run as fast as Homestar, he could at least keep pace. But Trogdor was faster still. The dragon tossed his head back and prepared for a burnination blast that would stop anything in its tracks...
WHOOSH! Suddenly Homestar and Strong Bad were out of Trogdor's range, not to mention entirely off the ground. The dragon growled in fury as its quarry escaped. Homestar and Strong Bad looked up and saw that they had been rescued by a familiar blue-haired individual, who had a firm grip on Strong Bad's arm and Homestar's shirt as they soared through the sky.
"StinkoMan! You're weal!" Homestar exclaimed. "And you can fly!"
"What are you talking about?" StinkoMan laughed. "I cannot fly!"
"Uh, right." Strong Bad muttered. He had seen enough cartoons to know what happens when you press a point like this. StinkoMan swooped down to a graceful landing behind a fortified rock formation, where the Cheat Commandos were staked out.
"Good work, SmelloMan." Gunhaver greeted them. "You've got those civilians out of the firing range."
"I have told you many times!" StinkoMan yelled as he released the two. "The name is StinkoMan!"
"Whoa! You guys are the Cheat Commandos?" Strong Bad asked, another facet of his fantasy life brought to reality.
"Correct." Gunhaver boasted. "Colonel Gunhaver at your defence."
"Major Gunhaver!" Silent Rip corrected him.
"Oh... whatever." Gunhaver dismissed. "It's one of those army-y words."
"Stand back, you guys!" Reinforcements yelled, pushing his way to the front and arming his rocket launcher. "Justice Rocket Backpack ROCKET ROCKET FIRE!!!"
KABOOOM! The crumbling remains of a nearby castle exploded in a hail of fire and rubble. "Nice job, Reinforcements." Gunhaver remarked. "But you were supposed to be aiming for that frog!" He added crossly, pointing at Trogdor, who was momentarily distracted by the nearby explosion.
"Details, details." Reinforcements dismissed. "Something blew up, and that's good enough for me."
"Stop referring to that thing as a frog!" StinkoMan yelled. "That is no frog! Frogs are noble creatures of wisdom and martial arts! That is most certainly what we call A DRAGON!!!"
"Zip it, buddy." Gunhaver reprimanded. "I've got classified military documents right here that say that thing is a frog!" he added, holding up three sheets of lined paper. "If our intelligence agents say it's a frog, it's a frog!"
"Intelligence! Ha!" StinkoMan scoffed. "I think you Cheat Commandos are more like the Cheat DUMBandos, if you ask me!"
"Oh, man." Homestar chuckled to himself. "That's the funniest thing I've heard all week!"
"Man, those guys were cool in the 80's, but now they're kinda embarrassing." Strong Bad observed. "And vaguely insulting."
"How did you guys get here, anyway?" Homestar asked.
"What?! I am not entirely sure." StinkoMan scratched his head. "We were battling that DRAGON over there when it got sucked into some sort of purple vortex. Or maybe it was a null."
"Unfortunately, we got sucked in too." Gunhaver added. "And this is not a dragon. It's been officially confirmed to be..."
A sudden rumble that nearly knocked them all off their feet ended the argument then and there. All looked up and realized that while they were distracted, Trogdor had made his approach and was literally standing over them.
"Oh. Uh, was I spos'ta be on lookout?" Crackotage asked, slightly embarrassed.
Fightgar suddenly shoved his way to the front, staring defiantly into the dragon's eyes and levelling his gun at the beast's face. "Eat red laser, me bucko!" Fightgar screamed, squeezing the trigger again and again. However, squeezing the trigger did not produce the desired firing of the gun.
"I told you not to waste all of that ammo firing at those pigeons!" Gunhaver scolded.
"It was target practice!" Fightgar argued.
Trogdor inhaled sharply, ready to incinerate the entire group.
"RUN AWAY!!!" Fightgar screamed, the group splintering just in time to avoid the blast. Strong Bad and Homestar were blown off to one side, StinkoMan and the Cheat Commandos to the other. Strong Bad and Homestar ended up in a pile of rocks next to the face of the formation.
"C'mon, Homestar." Strong Bad growled, climbing back to his feet despite the pain. "We've got to..."
"Stwong Bad, look!" Homestar gasped. Strong Bad looked to the horizon and saw, to his horror, that the ground was rapidly collapsing into oblivion, leaving behind infinite blackness in its wake. The faultline was heading directly for them at incredible speed.
"Holy crap!" Strong Bad shouted, fruitlessly trying to scrabble back up the rocks. It was no use. In an instant the entire area collapsed to dust, sending Homestar and Strong Bad into the abyss.
Strong Bad was flying, falling, spinning and tumbling all at once. He forgot everything. He felt nothing. Everything disappeared into darkness. Everything was nothing...
--
Somewhere in the emptiness between the dimensions, a hooded figure allowed himself a cruel smile and a cold laugh as he watched Peasantry collapse to nothingness. "Enjoy your rest, Strong Bad." He muttered, although Strong Bad could not possibly hear him. "I want you to be at full strength when I destroy you, and your pitiful universe with you."
He then turned away, making the final preparations for the fruition of his plans. An old grudge was to be avenged at last.