Tanjoubi no Jutsu
(part 3 of 3 - finally! I was seriously meaning to have this done like a week and a half ago, and then the world looked at me and said 'yeah, right.')
Squee time: Fanart! Sketch, Blueeyedgrrl, and Shi-chan gave me completely adorable fanart for Side Effects and this one -- unfortunately I can't seem to break into my website to post it because I forgot the password! But until I break into my website again (d'oh) -- I think will let this kind of web address get through; it seems to stomp on everything that has an actual URL in it:
Sketch's sweet ice-cream-at-the-festival picture is at sirladysketch dot deviantart dot com - it's deviation 10230541 - happy thank-you glomp! Iruka's so cute with the ice cream and the 'mine!' glare! And Kakashi's smirk is priceless too.
Shi-chan's way-too-cute kids picture is at shi-chan06 dot deviantart dot com and it's deviation number 10841242. (I don't think Iruka's having twins, at least not this time around, though I admit to having vaguely had it in mind for the sequel -- anyway, the pic is just adorable! And Kakashi is going to be SO dead when Iruka catches up with him. Go look to see why.)
Blueeyedgrrl is finishing the background of her picture (Naruto and Iruka from the swimsuit shot) but she let me see a preview of it and it's so cute... the calendar page I describe later on is based on her picture! (Must break into own website again... too many passwords to remember...)
Anyway, on with the story! (I SO don't write short. This piece alone is twenty pages... but I've got an actual end tacked onto it now...)
Since it was a birthday dinner, Sakura decreed, they were all required to dress nicely. Kakashi was still wearing his usual solid black turtleneck and pants; Iruka, who was trying to wriggle out of succumbing to Kakashi's taste in dresses, protested the injustice.
"I don't see why I have to wear a dress if you're wearing that! You wear that all the time."
"Black goes with everything," Kakashi said, and held out the dress with a wheedling face. "Wear it for me?"
Iruka looked dismally at the dress in question. It was made of a soft cream knit material, and it was one of the dresses Sakura had originally sent with them from Konoha... when he'd been considerably more slender. And the problem wasn't precisely that it no longer fit, because it stretched. The problem was that it did stretch... and therefore clung quite snugly to Iruka's figure, including the waist -- or lack thereof. And the neckline hadn't gotten any higher as a maternal bustline developed, either. When Iruka had first been performing his sexy-no-jutsu, it was merely clingy and draping and sleek; now it looked like a thoroughly overstuffed sausage, in Iruka's rather jaundiced opinion.
"I'd feel ridiculous," Iruka said.
"You've got gorgeous curves; why not show them off?"
"Because I'm 'curving' entirely too much!"
Kakashi broke out the mournful puppy eyes. "It's my birthday, remember?" he said, for about the dozenth time that day.
He's milking that for all the mileage he can get, isn't he.
But it's true nonetheless... and it's just one day; so tomorrow when he tries to get me into something showing this much of my chest, I can remind him that it's not his birthday anymore, can't I?
With an enormous sigh, Iruka took the dress and put it on, and tugged and wriggled until it lay smooth against the various curves, even if it was a bit smoother than was really comfortable for the embarrassment level. And then Iruka went to the closet and dug out an old blue blanket to sling around his shoulders.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"It's a shawl."
"It's not a shawl, it's a blanket," Kakashi pointed out.
Iruka measured off a piece with both hands, caught the edge in his teeth, and ripped the blanket in half, then draped half the blanket around his shoulders, and fidgeted with the fabric until the bare cleavage and the snugly-limned mound of the baby were hidden. "Now it's a shawl," he said.
Wisely, Kakashi kept his mouth shut.
Somehow or other, they'd all cleaned up presentably -- even Naruto, because Sakura had browbeaten him into leaving the orange jacket behind, and he had a much less blinding blue shirt underneath it. Sakura, who was wearing a spring-green dress that matched her eyes, took one look at Iruka and opened her mouth.
"Iruka says it's a 'shawl,'" Kakashi observed.
Sakura looked back and forth between her teachers' expressions, sighed, and said, "I'll be right back."
"Sakura-chan!" Naruto protested. "I'm starving already!"
In a few minutes, Sakura came back with a much more plausible-looking shawl to drape around Iruka's shoulders. It wasn't as baggy or as thick, though, and Iruka kept tugging at the ends to try to make it cover a bit more of the bulge until Sakura smacked his hands, retied it, and said, "Now, come on."
"Finally," Naruto sighed.
He was still clutching his head and rubbing at the lump Sakura had left there when they walked into the Wave Country restaurant.
The barely-teenaged boy who greeted them with a bow at the door was clearly the restaurant owners' son; tonight he was trying his best to look adult and respectable despite the fact that he was barely older than Team Seven. He even tried to push his voice down a little as he asked, "Table for five?"
"For six!" Naruto said cheerfully, and pulled the ends of Iruka's shawl away to point at the belly-bulge limned by the snugly-stretched dress. "See? At least five and three quarters, anyway!"
"Naruto..."
"For six, then," the boy said, and bowed particularly deeply, and set about being almost humiliatingly overchivalrous to the pregnant schoolteacher. They were escorted to an alcove with a low table and several sitting-pillows scattered around, but the boy went to fetch a legless floor-chair and settle pillows into the seat and the back, and he fussed and fidgeted until Iruka had assured the boy half a dozen times over that this was really quite comfortable, thank-you-very-much. Naruto was giggling the whole time; the moment the overassiduous young man left them alone, Iruka's fist came down solidly on the top of Naruto's head.
"Hey, what was that for?"
"Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing," Iruka retorted.
"Ordering for six means they give us more food, of course!" Naruto said, rubbing his head indignantly.
"It's an all-you-can-eat restaurant, moron," Sasuke said.
Naruto's eyes went very, very wide.
Iruka suddenly felt sorry for the restaurant owners, as Naruto turned to Kakashi and said, "All right, I officially forgive you for the eggplant miso now. I think I forgive you for about a week of eggplant miso, even! --But no natto; that stuff's just wrong."
"I'll keep that in mind, then," Kakashi said, snuggling closer to Iruka and slipping an arm around his waist.
"Do you want a chair too, Kakashi-sensei?"
"Oh, I'll just share Iruka's."
"That's going to be a pretty full chair," Naruto said, grinning.
"All in the name of family togetherness," Kakashi told him, with a saintly expression. But beneath the edge of the table, Kakashi's hand was wandering along the place where the curve of belly met the curve of thigh, and it was all Iruka could do to keep from jumping straight out of the chair at the tickle.
"...Stop that!"
"You don't want our family togetherness...?" he asked pitifully.
"I don't want to dump scalding tea down your pants when you tickle somewhere that makes me twitch," Iruka replied with half-lidded eyes.
Kakashi's wandering hand hastily found a place to rest against a curve, and stayed put.
There was a firepit in the center of the table itself, filled with glowing coals beneath a grate; one side of the grate held a flat piece of iron and the other side held a bowl of simmering broth. Naruto looked into the broth and then up at Kakashi, and he said with a growl, "This better not be 'all you can eat' of soup without any ramen anywhere!"
"So suspicious? I'm crushed."
"You like eggplant," Naruto retorted.
"Just shut up and wait, moron," Sasuke said.
"Oh yeah? Maybe I'll cook your head in the soup instead--"
"Boys," Iruka said firmly. "Behave yourselves."
Sasuke and Naruto shot each other a dirty look, and then glared off at opposite corners of the room.
Kakashi's fingertips were getting a bit adventurous again, rubbing little back-and-forth patterns against the smooth round curve of Iruka's belly. After a moment's consideration Iruka decided he didn't mind the rubbing, because it felt rather nice; but the line between rubbing and tickling was a narrow one, so Iruka put his hand over Kakashi's to be able to perform any necessary tickle-policing.
Judging by the suspiciously sappy look in Sakura's eyes, though, she was finding a more romantic interpretation of the gesture; he didn't have the heart to enlighten the girl. With a small sigh, Iruka tilted his head to rest against Kakashi's, and smiled for Sakura as he said under his breath to the thistle-headed rogue who was ever so carefully not quite tickling, "You behave yourself too."
"Yes dear," Kakashi breathed into his ear, his lips barely brushing the outer curve, and Iruka twitched despite himself.
"Stop that! Next time I could have tea in my hands or something..."
Sakura had a hand to her lips, but the giggle escaped anyway. Sasuke was scowling at the fire grate, and Naruto had a suspiciously dippy grin on.
"If you guys want, we could leave you alone. --Guys and girls!" he amended too late, and then clamped a hand over his mouth and mumbled, "I mean guy and girl, I don't mean, er, lots or anything, that's way too-- I mean-- I, er, I should just shut up already, right? Yeah. Shutting up. Really. But I just meant--"
Sasuke 'helpfully' clamped a hand over Naruto's mouth.
Naruto promptly bit it.
Before the small-scale riot in the making could escalate, Iruka pulled two of the chair cushions out from behind his back and flung them from point-blank range; at that velocity the pillows had enough momentum to divert the tumbling snarl of flailing limbs far enough away that Naruto's thrashing foot didn't upend the table and the coals all over the floor.
"Can't I take you two ANYWHERE?" Iruka shouted at the top of his lungs, leaning on the table with both hands to keep it still just in case the next kick flew wide.
Fortunately, it stopped the dogpile of thrashing ninja limbs.
Unfortunately, it stopped the rest of the restaurant too. Heads from several different alcoves turned in their direction.
His face hot enough to rival the embers in the firepit, Iruka squeaked, "Never mind us!" He looked at the low table and wondered if he could actually fit underneath it at the moment.
Sasuke and Naruto executed another uncannily synchronized 'glare-scowl-hmph-othercorner' maneuver. Sakura had her elbows on the table and her face in both hands, shaking her head helplessly.
When Iruka tried to sit back down, he discovered a Kakashi-lap had insinuated itself between his hips and his chair, and it was a bit awkward to try to shift to one side to aim for what was left of the chair. Kakashi resolved the issue by slipping both arms around Iruka's waist, to keep the blushing teacher squarely in his lap.
"You are such an opportunist," Iruka said.
"Of course I am," Kakashi replied cheerfully. "In love, war, and buffet-style dining, the one who takes the initiative wins."
"...Um. Wasn't the proverb something to do with love, war, and taxes...?"
"Nobody wins with taxes."
"Er. I'll keep that in mind--" And Kakashi's hands were wandering again. Iruka promptly pinned Kakashi's hands with both of his own: "Stop that!"
"I have to entertain myself somehow now that you've kept them from providing tableside entertainment and bloodshed, you know."
But despite the flippant words, Kakashi's hands settled suspiciously quickly into the tender little fingertip-caresses, content to be gentle and soothing and almost unnervingly not-reprehensible. Iruka wondered if there was something to Naruto's theory about the convoluted yin-yang interrelationship of macho-and-mushy in Kakashi's mind after all.
Sasuke was still staring at his corner; he had a far better grasp of long-term grudge-holding and attitudinal brooding than Naruto, having refined the theory over too many years of relentless practice.
Naruto had gotten bored with his corner, glanced toward his teachers again, and was now blushing dull red, staring at the pattern in the wood grain of the table and wriggling and rubbing his fingertips together. He was clearly straining every nerve he possessed in the effort not to bolt for the door in a teenaged-boy romance-sugar-overload embarrassment reflex.
Iruka stilled his lover's caring hands with a brief pang of regret, and murmured, "Kakashi..."
"But it's so cute watching them squirm!" Kakashi whispered back, and Iruka could all but feel the grin that was being hidden in his ponytail.
"Kakashi."
"Look, the food's here," he said brightly, and flexed his fingertips to regain enough room for that rhythmic, tender massage-caress.
Iruka would have given him quite a scolding if the food hadn't actually arrived at that moment. There were dozens of little bowls of ingredients on the platter: vegetables, spices, sprouts, pickles, greens with sesame, tiny fried fish, spiced potatoes, cabbage that was red from the peppers it had been marinating in -- and a waitress who was showing far too much cleavage in a halter-top and translucent dancing skirt bent over the table to set the dishes around the firepit.
This time Naruto was turning red for an entirely different reason, and Sakura was glaring daggers at the young woman, leaning to interpose herself between Sasuke and the waitress's lack of clothing. Sasuke didn't even notice; he was still busily glaring at his corner. Iruka squeaked a little when Kakashi brushed a thumb against his palm.
"Relax," he murmured. "I prefer the view from right here."
"I wasn't--"
"Your back went stiff the minute she bent over," Kakashi whispered into his ear, far too amused.
Because there was really no non-humiliating way to protest concern for Naruto's too-young eyes and the hazards of exposing that much skin around hot food that could spill, at least not without sounding like he was desperate for excuses, Iruka bit his lip and concentrated on relaxing so that Kakashi couldn't tease him again. Or at least not as much.
The waitress showed them how to oil the iron plate for cooking the meat, how to thread the vegetables onto long sticks to simmer in the hot broth, how to shape flat pieces of dough and cook them on the iron plate until they were golden and puffy quick-breads for scooping up other ingredients with, how to wrap cooked meat in a bit of lettuce or bread and dip it in the sauces and eat it with fingertips -- Naruto was nodding the entire time, but Iruka had a sinking feeling the information was going in one ear and out the other, since his gaze had never once lifted to the level of her eyes.
Probably taking notes for 'improvements' on his sexy-no-jutsu. I don't know whether to scold him or be grateful he's at least studying something diligently...
But the boy surprised him a bit; despite his apparent drooling-ogledom, when the waitress turned to go, he actually had the foresight to tug on a corner of her skirt, since there was no other fabric available for tugging that wouldn't earn a slap into next week.
"Yes?" the young woman asked.
"You've got that pot of soup cooking away right there; haven't you got any ramen to go into it?" Naruto asked plaintively.
She blinked a couple of times, then said, "It's not exactly soup, but... er... I'll ask the cook for you," and headed toward the kitchen.
Only then did Naruto look down at his mug of tea, and he choked and coughed and spluttered so much Sakura leaned over to thump him on the back.
"Now what?" she asked.
"It's -- it's -- orange!" he protested.
"So? You like orange," Sakura reminded him.
"In clothes, sure! But that's not tea! Tea's not supposed to be orange like that, is it? And you can't even see through it--"
"That's because they put milk in it," Kakashi said.
"MILK? In TEA?"
"And sugar too," he informed them, clearly amused by the boy's incredulous reaction.
"Gaaaaaah..." He picked up the mug and sipped very gingerly, then said in sheer outrage, "And it's cold!"
"Trust me, you'll be grateful later," Kakashi said, one hand reaching over to spear a couple slices of beef to set on the grill; the other hand continued its gentle cradling.
"Why would I be grateful for cold orange tea with sugar and cow squeezings in it?" Naruto grumbled, grabbing a chopstick-sample of the nearest dish.
"Because as soon as you bite into the pepper-pickled cabbage--"
--too late; Naruto's eyes were as wide as the teacup, and he chugged the tea down without even blinking, then poured himself another mug and downed half of it too.
"--you'll realize that milk, sugar, and cold tea are three of the best solutions for the level of spices in a lot of Wave Country food," Kakashi finished, munching on a not-spiced-at-all slice of vinegared cucumber. "In general, the more red it is, the more chilies it has in it. --That's not a tomato-based sauce, by the way, Sasuke-kun."
Unfortunately, Sasuke's one-upmanship reflex had kicked in the minute he saw Naruto chug the tea, and he couldn't back down.
"I breathe fire, remember?" Sasuke muttered, and tried not to flinch as he took a bite of the meat he'd just doused in red sauce as though it were marinara instead of chili paste.
Watching the boy's face turn blue and then purple, Iruka said faintly, "Do you want some tea, Sasuke-kun?"
"...'m fine...!"
He managed to control the outward expression of agony for at least twenty seconds before he clutched at his mug tightly enough Iruka worried it might shatter in his hands, and he not-quite-chugged the contents.
Sakura looked back and forth between Naruto and Sasuke, who were currently shoveling as many chili-based foods onto their plate as they could grab, caught in their eternal battle of cooler-than-thou. After a long moment, she heaved an enormous sigh of resignation, and shifted closer to the teachers. Devoted as she was to the goal of becoming Sasuke's one true love whether he realized it or not, Sakura herself had to admit that there were times when he was nearly as bad as Naruto.
"So what are -- er -- were all those dishes, Kakashi-sensei?"
Iruka had quietly begged the waitress not to bring refills of anything with noticeable amounts of chili in it, so that the boys couldn't actually hurt themselves with their food; after the chili-duel ran out, Naruto had eaten more vegetables than he'd likely eaten in the rest of his life combined, not even noticing that they were vegetables as long as they weren't doused with chili. And he'd wheedled a bowl with noodles out of the chef, too. They weren't proper ramen noodles -- they were fine and white and almost silky, and Kakashi said they were made from rice -- but they were close enough to be comfort food for the boy after the evening's debacle. (Whether because of his experience with breathing fire or because of his greater ability to hide his emotions, including agony -- in any event, Sasuke had clearly won the chili-eating duel. If it could be called 'winning', of course, given how miserable they both were afterwards.)
Kakashi, Iruka, and Sakura, on the other hand, had had an enjoyable and tasty meal with interesting conversation; Sakura was already speaking of plans to go back with Satori and some of the other village teens. The boys kept fixed shaky grins on reddish-purple faces as they stumbled along after the others, and each of them darted off into the bushes at one point or another during the walk back.
Taking pity on them both, Sakura said brightly, "Sugar and milk help with spices, you said, Kakashi-sensei? Then I suppose we'll just have to get into the cake and ice cream as soon as we get back, won't we."
Both Naruto and Sasuke had near-identical glazed looks of whimpering gratitude on their faces.
When they arrived home, Sakura herded the others onto the schoolhouse porch so that she could decorate the cake to her satisfaction; she refused anyone entrance into the kitchen on pain of, if not death, at least bloody trauma.
Naruto and Sasuke were still too busy not-whimpering at the lingering pain in burning mouths to put up a fight, and Kakashi took the opportunity to lift Iruka onto his lap again.
"...What are you doing now?"
"There are several potential answers I could make here," Kakashi mused, rubbing his chin. "How to decide..."
Iruka waited for a minute, then said, "Well?"
"Hmm... attempt number one: I'm being an overprotective and solicitous father-to-be. I've read all about how expecting mothers have to be careful with their blood circulation, especially in the final months, and if I let you sit on the porch then the edge could press against the artery in your legs, and we can't have that now can we...? And my lap is softer, so I've got nothing but your best interests at heart--"
"Try attempt number two," Iruka told him, with half-lidded eyes.
"You're sure? I have a feeling you're not going to like attempt number two."
"I didn't like attempt number one either," Iruka replied sourly. "You're normally not THAT bad at lying through your teeth."
"You're really sure?"
"Really."
"I see. All right, attempt number two--" Kakashi leaned forward to offer his best pervert-grin over Iruka's shoulder, and said in a tone of greatly-overexaggerated indignation, "Isn't it obvious? Molesting you, of course!"
Iruka coughed, wheezed, and then started laughing.
Kakashi blinked in what might have been actual astonishment. "...You liked attempt number two?"
"At least it's honest...!" Iruka scrubbed laugh-tears from his eyes and let himself settle more comfortably into Kakashi's lap. "And besides... if you get too fresh with the boys watching, keep in mind: my elbows are in perfect striking range...!"
"Yes, dear," Kakashi replied in a tone of great contentment, and cupped both hands to the smooth, firm mound of Iruka's belly. Then, a moment later, he blinked in astonishment down at the bulge: "Did you feel that?"
"Could I have not felt it?" Iruka replied, half exasperated and half indulgent, rubbing fingertips against the place the baby had kicked hard enough to ache. "She takes after you. She's getting strong. --Ouch. And feisty," he added ruefully at another kick.
Suddenly, there were too many hands for the amount of available space on Iruka's belly despite how much larger it had grown of late. Iruka counted again, then looked over to find Naruto sneaking his hands into the tangle of limbs.
"You could just ask, you know," Iruka told the boy wryly, taking one of his hands to guide to the place where the baby was kicking a fretful rhythm against his abdominal wall.
Naruto gave a sheepish giggle, then blinked down at Iruka's bulge.
"...He is getting strong," the boy said, clearly unsure whether to be impressed or outraged on Iruka's behalf. "Hey! Hey, you in there!" He poked Iruka's belly with a fingertip, and said, "Settle down some, will you? Be nice!"
From Sasuke's side of the porch, there was a shift in the shadows and a quiet mutter of "Idiot."
"But he's hurting Iruka-sensei!" Naruto protested.
"It's not even born yet," Sasuke replied, low-pitched.
"So?"
"So there's no way it knows what you're saying, moron."
"Bastard, I oughtta--"
"Stay here," Iruka said hastily, catching at Naruto's hands and pressing them against the curve. "The baby likes being touched; I think she's been settling down since the two of you have been rubbing so gently-- see? Stay right here--" He stopped himself short before his mouth could finish with and don't destroy the porch on Kakashi's birthday; it's been such a pleasant, quiet evening...
Then he thought back over the day's events and silently amended, Most of the time. --At least, nobody's been arrested or started bleeding, and that's sometimes as close as it gets to 'pleasant and quiet' around here...
With a wordless grumble, Naruto plonked down beside his teachers and turned his attention to Iruka's snug, swollen abdomen. He concentrated fiercely on his rubbing, tracing a pattern Kakashi had once shown him from the non-reprehensible pregnancy book: up and around as Iruka breathed in, down and in beneath the navel as he breathed out, a great gentle heart-shape over the belly-curve. From the look of absolute focused intensity on the boy's face, an observer might have mistaken it for some tricky and dangerous high-level jutsu.
The baby stirred again, and Naruto flinched, stricken: "I'm sorry -- was that my fault? Was I rubbing too hard, or not hard enough, or not in the right spot, or--"
"You're doing just fine," Iruka soothed, reaching over to rumple the boy's sunny hair. "It felt very nice. And see, the baby wasn't kicking that time -- just pushing a little; I think she wants to stretch, she's all curled up and there's less room than there used to be. It's all right. Would you mind if I asked you to keep rubbing? It really does feel nice..."
"...Right!" With the tip of his tongue caught between his teeth in concentration, Naruto went back to his carefully-measured pattern, as though he worried that Iruka might burst if he made a mistake in the rhythm or placement of the gentle little massage.
Sasuke, meanwhile, was staring at the three of them with agonizing conflict written all over his face, if you knew how to read the flicker of his eyes and the minute shifts of the scowl. Jealousy and the desire to be included were caught in mortal combat with aloof contempt and the need not to ever let his arch-rival see him doing something as sappy as asking for his own chance to feel the baby moving and rub his pregnant teacher's roundly distended belly.
If Iruka's next breath had a little more to do with a sigh than usual, it was understandable; Kakashi grinned over Iruka's shoulder with an expressive roll of the one visible eye, but kept his mouth shut too.
A rapturous sigh of bliss was accompanied by the click of a shutter; Iruka sat bolt upright, having been thoroughly terrorized by that sound earlier in the day. Sakura giggled and waved her free hand at him: "No, no, relax! Naruto, keep patting Iruka-sensei's tummy like that. You're being so sugary at each other, I ought to put you on the cake too..."
"Hey!" Naruto protested, his teenaged pride offended. "I don't do sugary!"
"Oh really? The camera would argue with you," Sakura said with an evil grin, dangling it just out of his reach.
Predictably, Naruto lunged for the bait; she danced back, giggling. "Oh no you don't! Hurt the camera and I won't give you any of the birthday cake!"
"...Cake!" Naruto let out a whoop and dashed past her to aim for the kitchen.
"No, wait, Kakashi-sensei has to blow out his candles first--!"
"...That moron." Sasuke pushed himself to his feet and followed the other two inside; Iruka looked over his shoulder at Kakashi, who was showing no signs of letting go.
"Don't you want to see Sakura-kun's work before the boys tear into it?"
Instead of replying aloud, Kakashi shifted him a bit in his arms and kissed him. For quite a while.
When they had to come up for air again, Iruka was thoroughly rumpled and blushing all the way to the collar-line of the rather revealing dress. "...Wha... huh... uh...?"
With a happy grin, Kakashi nuzzled Iruka's cheek to make him squeak again, and breathed into his ear, "I'm sure the cake will do fine on its own. This is already the best birthday I've had for years... because I can spend it with you, in public, enjoying ourselves and each other, and no one stares and whispers. --Besides, I thought you liked attempt number two!"
One of his fingertips was tracing the collar-line of the dress for illustration -- and tugging; his face burning crimson, Iruka clamped both hands over Kakashi's to try to keep the dress-top in place.
"You -- they're -- we're -- but--"
"Yes, dear?"
"...Aaauuuggggh--!" Iruka managed, in a strange half-strangled-shout half-whisper, trapped between the need to express blushing frustration and the need not to draw the kids' attention back outside again.
...Too late; there were feet thumping towards the door, and Naruto crashed through and skidded to a stop on his knees beside Iruka, panting.
"I'msorry-I'msorry-I'msorry-I'msorry! Sakura-chan reminded me -- I'm so sorry, when she said 'cake' I completely forgot you wanted me to keep rubbing your tummy, Iruka-sensei, I'm sorry--"
He gulped for breath, whacked his forehead against the nearest post for good measure, and reached somewhat-dizzy hands towards Iruka's belly in order to take up his 'appointed' task again.
Iruka and Kakashi traded a long, rueful look, and followed it with a few quiet signs written into each other's palms.
Smart girl. A little too smart, actually. I can see why she wanted him out from underfoot before one of them planted the other's face in the cake, but why'd she have to dump him on us?
Be nice. He's just concerned for me. Iruka's free hand gently smoothed the boy's sun-bright thatch of hair.
You didn't believe me when I was being a concerned-daddy at you. Even his fingertips managed to pout.
You ALWAYS have ulterior motives. Whereas Naruto wouldn't know an ulterior motive if it walked up and bit him.
He's sitting there molesting you too, you know, Kakashi replied. Hands wandering all over your belly like that-- touching your pregnant body, so tender, so intimate; drawing the fabric taut over your gravid, blossoming ripeness-- watching you as your aching, milk-swollen breasts heave with each soft, sweet, pleasure-warmed breath...
Iruka's elbow went sharply back into Kakashi's ribs, followed by a fingertip shaking with indignation as he retorted, You know perfectly well he's just comforting the baby and me, you pervert! Don't ascribe your own kinkiness to everyone--
Both hands still industriously rubbing the careful heart-shape over Iruka's bulge, Naruto looked up in surprise when Kakashi burst out laughing (despite a distinct wheeze to the sound).
"...Huh?"
"All right, everyone stay there," Sakura said from the doorway, with a cake full of merrily-dancing candles in her hands; behind her, Sasuke had ice cream, bowls, and the perpetual scowl.
Naruto looked back and forth between the cake and Iruka with sheer misery in his eyes. "I want cake, but... but...!"
"It's all right, Naruto," Iruka said ruefully.
"But if it helps you feel better...!"
Kakashi reached over and scruffled the boy's hair. "Don't worry," he said sagely. "You can keep rubbing later. I promise."
"But..."
With entirely too angelic a face, Kakashi said, "Naruto, I understand. I appreciate your concern for our sweet, delicate, fragile Iruka-sensei, who needs the support of your strong hands to be able to endure the discomforts of her difficult pregnancy, in this exhausting and inexpressibly tender condition." He set a hand solidly on the boy's shoulder, and said with a tone of vast and grave sincerity, "Trust me on this, Naruto. She'll be just as pregnant thirty seconds after you've scarfed down your piece of cake as she is right now."
Iruka had begun to make little choking sounds somewhere in the middle of the speech, and by the end of it he was whimpering, face hidden in both hands, trapped in the dilemma of whether to scream in frustration, hit someone, or run for his life before Naruto took it into his head that it was now his civic duty to rub his teacher's burgeoning tummy every conscious minute until the birth. The corner of Sakura's mouth was twitching in a way that suggested she was a hair's breadth from bursting into hilarity. Sasuke just rolled his eyes.
Naruto, on the other hand, gave Kakashi a watery-eyed look of gratitude: "If you're sure it's okay, thank you! I promise I won't let you down!"
"Good boy," Kakashi replied, his visible eye all proud smiles. "I know I can count on you! For the sake of our mutual adoration for your beloved teacher and the precious unborn child resting beneath her gentle and yet fierily passionate heart, we two shall--"
Unable to stand it any longer, Iruka reached up for the cake in Sakura's hands, with a crazed half-formed notion of shoving the entire candle-flaming mess up Kakashi's left nostril. Worried by the look on his face, Sakura whisked it out of reach hastily, and said, "Kakashi-sensei, do you want to blow these candles out before someone starts wearing the cake?"
Meanwhile, Naruto was blinking at him in slowly-comprehending near-horror. "Kakashi-sensei... you were sounding like Gai-sensei for a minute there...!"
"Did I? Hmm. How strange..." He caught Iruka in a bear-hug that also served to keep his fuming lover's arms pinned, then leaned over and blew out the candles quickly, so that Sakura could whisk the cake out of assault and battery range to be cut and served in a more normal fashion than the one Iruka had in mind.
"Gai-sensei, you said?" he mused. "Funny, I could have sworn I never mentioned 'the passion of youth' or 'the springtime of our lives' or--"
"You just did!" Naruto wailed. "Snap out of it, Kakashi-sensei, you're scaring me now!"
"Well, I suppose there are worse things to be," Kakashi said thoughtfully. "Green is such a striking color, don't you think? And I'm sure it would put an amicable end to our 'eternal rivalry' if I started to model myself after him-- though I don't know what I can do for the eyebrows. Hmm."
Naruto's face had turned blue, and he was stuttering in sheer shaking horror. "K-k-k-kakashi-sensei--!"
"I suppose I'll just have to accept my own unfortunate eyebrow-impaired-ness," he said with a florid sigh, fingertips to heart. "It's truly a handicap, but I'm sure he'd appreciate my most sincere effort! And he's not the type to gloat about his own preternatural eyebrow-giftedness; so I'm sure he'd encourage me to do my best to overcome my inherent shortcomings in the facial hair department, and to forge on with passionate determination and fervor to--"
"GYAAAAAAAAAAHHHH---!"
Sasuke dropped a scoop of ice cream on the porch at the oddly stereophonic scream of horror from Naruto and Iruka in unison. But while Naruto was lunging away from the heart-stopping terror that was Kakashi-sensei in "Gai-sensei drugged on youthful passion" mode, Iruka was lunging toward Sakura.
More specifically, Iruka was lunging toward the long and sharp knife she was using to cut the cake.
"You really can come down from the roof now, Sakura-kun," Iruka said, trying for his most reasonable voice. "I promised I wasn't going to kill him on his birthday!"
...although that vow didn't mention anything about a little blood and pain and screams begging forgiveness...
"Sasuke-kun?" she called. "Can I really?"
"...Hmph."
"Kakashi-sensei, I can't translate out of Sasuke-ese when I can't see him!" she wailed, clinging to the chimney. "Kick once for no and twice for yes, okay?"
Kakashi, who was currently hog-tied to the porch railing with Iruka's shawl and gagged with Naruto's headband, wriggled around enough to get the leverage to knock a foot against the post. Once.
"Kick that again," Iruka growled, arms folded.
Dutifully, Kakashi kicked the post again.
"Iruka-sensei, you're not helping!" Sakura wailed. "And I know the ice cream's got to be melting--"
"No it's not," Iruka said with a sigh.
"...It's not?"
"No. So come down and bring the knife so we can finish cutting the cake already, okay?"
"Why isn't the ice cream melting?"
Iruka glowered into the shadows under the edge of the porch; sitting underneath the boards, Naruto huddled tighter around the tub of ice cream he'd confiscated from Sasuke somewhere along the trajectory of his mad dash for safety from frothing-Gai-mad Kakashi-sensei.
"Because Naruto's eating it all, of course," Iruka called back, rubbing his temples. "It'll be gone long before it can melt! Just come down so we can get some of the ice cream too, all right?"
Naruto started eating faster.
Cleaning the frosting off a kunai before resheathing it, Iruka grumbled, "You didn't have to leave the kitchen knife in the roof shingles, Sakura-kun."
Sakura glanced over at Kakashi, who was still hog-tied and attempting to wriggle toward the plate of cake that had been left a couple inches from his nose, and said, "Iruka-sensei, I think it's just safer for everyone when the knife's up there."
Iruka sighed, and thumped one foot on the porch decking to get the attention of the boy still hiding under it. "Naruto? If there's any of the ice cream left, we'd appreciate a taste of it."
The garbled-mouth-full reply wasn't very intelligible. However, Iruka had an advantage in years of translating through bowls of Naruto's ramen.
"Yes, I promise Kakashi-sensei isn't going to be talking like Gai-sensei anymore."
Naruto gulped down a mouthful of ice cream, and called, "You're sure about that?"
"Trust me," Iruka said, eyeing his cheerfully unrepentant lover, who was attempting to lick the frosting off his piece of cake in an effort to not get it all over his face when he tried to eat off the plate with his arms tied behind his back. "The next time Kakashi-sensei starts talking like Gai-sensei, it won't last nearly long enough to worry anyone, because I will personally rip his tongue out of his head with my bare hands. All right?"
Naruto considered that for a minute, then asked, "Iruka-sensei, should I be more scared of you than of Kakashi-sensei?"
"Probably, yes," Iruka agreed with a fixed smile. "In other words, listen to me when I tell you to get up here and bring the ice cream so we can at least pretend to have some semblance of a SANE birthday party!"
In the end, there was about enough ice cream left for everyone to get a scoop and a half. It was a little mushy after the amount of time it had spent melting during the various scrambles, but Naruto didn't care, and the others all knew better than to comment. Kakashi had worked his way out of the ropes some time ago, and was entertaining himself by trying to look tied up whenever Iruka glanced his direction and sneaking forkfuls of cake whenever Iruka looked away.
Iruka finally asked him with a sigh, "Will you just put the ropes away so I can take a halfway-normal-looking birthday picture of the group of us?"
"Yes, dear."
Sasuke was busily eating his fourth piece of cake, staring fiercely at the plate so that he could at least pretend to himself that he didn't know any of these people.
Sakura was wearing the too-bright, glazed, brittle smile of a society hostess whose guests had inexplicably begun a food fight with the soup-and-crudites, and who was agonizingly determined to push the party through at least the second course without bloodshed on the linen tablecloths. "Presents!" she said, her mouth not moving from that carefully-rigid smile lest she show too many clenched teeth. "I'm going to get the presents..."
"I'm going too," Sasuke said, and followed her inside.
Naruto, who was industriously rubbing at Iruka's abdomen again, looked up at his teacher with wistful eyes. "Iruka-sensei, your tummy feels all tight and hard now," he said. "It wasn't like that earlier. Are you okay?"
Am I okay? Let's see. My best kitchen knife is imbedded in the roof, Naruto's still covered in dirt and leaves from his hideout under the porch, Kakashi's playing with the ropes again, I don't even want to think about what he's fantasizing about right now, I'm sure Sakura thinks I'm dangerously insane, and God only knows what Sasuke thinks of all of us because he'll certainly never do us the courtesy of explaining -- so am I okay?
The answer to that question really shouldn't take this much contemplation...
"Iruka-sensei...?"
"Just a little tense," Iruka managed, finding a smile that probably looked a great deal like Sakura's. "It's been a long, long day. I'll be fine as soon as I get some rest."
And some peace and quiet without chili-eating contests or Gai-hallucinations or Naruto wanting pictures of my pregnant body in lingerie or shoplifting pornography or... God, I don't even know what Sasuke thought up, and he's got the discretion to actually get away with shoplifting pornography; please, God, I don't want to see Kakashi open an Icha Icha Paradise book from any of his far underage students...
Whatever it was Sasuke had, it was wrapped in a blanket and bulged oddly and clattered a bit when he set the sizable bundle down. Sakura followed him with the neatly-wrapped calendar and an envelope in her hands.
By comparison with the rest of the evening, the gift-giving was practically uneventful. Kakashi was clearly far too delighted by flipping through the swimsuit calendar, and he kept lingering on July, which had a picture of Iruka in the bikini and a wrap, sitting by the pond cradling the baby-bulge and smiling; Naruto was sitting beside him in blazing orange shorts and making the victory-sign with two fingers and a happy-go-lucky grin, but Iruka had the distinct feeling Kakashi wasn't looking at Naruto's swimsuit. Sakura had to put the envelope over the picture in order to get Kakashi to notice its existence.
The envelope held the gift certificate Sakura had bought from the bookstore they'd visited. It would pay for a volume of Icha Icha Paradise -- quite specifically, calculated down to the tax. (Of course, none of them were surprised that Kakashi recognized the value calculated down to the tax of a volume of Icha Icha Paradise.) When his eyes focused on the gift certificate, Naruto fell over with a thump and lay on the porch clutching his head, muttering something incoherent about ninjas and kicking things.
Kakashi said quite happily, "There's a reason I've always said you're my brightest student ever!"
"You've only had the three of us," Sasuke pointed out.
"Details, details." His eyes wandered toward the pile of random lumps under the blanket, and he asked, "What on earth is that, by the way? I have to admit I can't even decide where to start guessing. Impressive work, Sasuke-kun."
"It's not fully assembled yet," Sasuke replied, his gaze a little too steady. "Everyone, close your eyes for a minute."
Dutifully, Iruka closed his eyes and quietly put his hands over Naruto's eyes, just to be sure.
There was some scuffling and a couple of thumps and a scrape, and then Sasuke's voice said from far closer than expected, "Thank you, Iruka-sensei." A split second later, Naruto yelped in outrage, and vanished from under Iruka's hands.
"Hey! Hey, whaddayathinkyer--mmrrrpppffff--!"
The scuffles got a little more violent before Sasuke said, a little breathless, "You can look now."
He was wearing one backpack and holding another, and a third was tied to the top of a litter that also held Naruto's thoroughly-trussed and wriggling body; appalled, Iruka recognized a couple of the knots he'd just used on Kakashi, and reminded himself yet again how quick a learner Sasuke was even without his Sharingan activated.
"Sasuke-kun?" Iruka asked faintly.
"This is my birthday present for Kakashi-sensei," Sasuke replied, testing the straps before he tossed the second pack to Sakura and picked up the ends of the litter. "The three of us are going camping tonight. So you'll have the schoolhouse all to yourselves. Nice and--" the boy's face was actually pinking a bit, but he actually managed with a nearly straight face, "nice and quiet."
"Sasuke?" Kakashi said, his voice brimming with hilarity. "The next time I spring a pop quiz -- you've already passed."
Iruka asked, "But why tie up Naruto...?"
"Because he wouldn't come along quietly if I asked, because it's me asking; this was faster than the argument," Sasuke said, and picked up the end of the litter and dragged it down off the porch. "See you tomorrow. Sakura?"
"Coming!" the girl said hastily, slipping her camping-pack on and trotting after him. "You're so romantic, Sasuke-kun!"
"...hmph."
"No, really, I mean it! Leaving Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei their privacy, just like a honeymoon -- and going off practically alone together... it could be kind of a romantic getaway for the two of us too, you know..." She rubbed two fingertips together and giggled.
"...hmph." But his voice sounded just a little panicked around the edges.
Iruka reflected ruefully that Sasuke had certainly made the greatest sacrifice of them all for the sake of Kakashi's present.
Naruto was still wriggling and squirming on the litter; Sakura sighed aloud. "Although it's not going to be too romantic with such a noisy brat! Can we just hang him in a tree somewhere for the night?"
"No."
Naruto's mutterings actually took on a somewhat grateful tone. Privately, Iruka wondered whether Sasuke was being kind for Naruto's sake, or simply to place a noisy orange buffer zone between himself and Sakura's visions of solitary stargazing wilderness romance; but as long as the end result was that he didn't have to worry about Naruto being hung in a tree like a slab of beef to be kept from the bears overnight, Iruka decided it wasn't worth thinking too hard about Sasuke's motivations.
"The entire schoolhouse," Kakashi said dreamily. "All to ourselves. All night long. The teacher's desk, and the students' desks, and the supply cabinet, and the paddle, and you've already found a nice supply of ropes--"
With a quiet sigh, Iruka stopped worrying about Naruto's safety and started worrying about his own.
"This," Kakashi said happily, already beginning to tug at the shoulder of Iruka's dress, "is the most fun I've ever had on my birthday."
In a last-ditch attempt at a brief distraction, Iruka asked,"What did you wish for when you blew out the candles?"
"If I say it out loud, it won't come true," Kakashi murmured into the curve of his throat, coaxing the collar of the dress off Iruka's shoulder and admiring the curve revealed. " Come inside and let me unwrap my favorite present of all, and I'll show you."
"Page 161; I remember," Iruka said, trying not to let himself blush; because it was, after all, Kakashi's birthday.
(pant pant pant) Okay, I finished one! Still hot off the press (I haven't even reread the birthday scene)... I just HAD to get this posted before it turned into a month later, because as ironically appropriate as that would be for Kakashi's birthday, there's just a rational limit on how far apart things can be posted and still partially-respectably call themselves one-shots.
Oh yeah - and the consensus at LJ seems to be that this is a PG-13 story after all, so I'm remarking the rating. (Now, the lemon I'm trying to get up the nerve to write about what Kakashi and Iruka do with Sasuke's present is something else...) Anyway, g'night all! (why do I only manage to finish one of these things within a few minutes of midnight regardless of what time of day I start?)