by Tina
These last reviews really got me in a good mood :D So here we go, this chapter will be longer (yay). And sorry this took long, but... many things got in the way. Uh, one thing I wanna say. I always try to add Ben to my stories as much as I can, but this time I won't. It's just so complicated as it already is! I'm sorry.
Rachel took off her reading classes and sighed, pushing away the binders, folders and loose papers that filled her desk top. She looked at her watch and wasn't surprised to see it was three in the morning. Why should she bother changing into pajamas and going to bed if very soon she'd be up anyway? And even if she did get the guts to lay down for a few hours, who'd garantee that she'd manage to sleep?
No, not tonight, she thought. That night was one of those when it all just came back, too strongly. When she couldn't push it away, they found a way into her mind. They wouldn't let her sleep. They'd scream softly into her years. No matter how much time had passed, those thoughts wouldn't fade.
Probably because even after all those years, she still felt guilty. But guilty for what?
Rachel was always so thorn between conclusions:
Had she had the right to react like that?! Yes, she was leaving too much behind!
But hadn't she said yes? Sure, but under a heavy load of pressure!
Then why didn't she tell him? 'Cause he wanted it so much!
So hiding it and diving into changes was the way to do that? Hm, yeah, maybe...
And then what? Giving up and let him be the only one making effort to make things work? Make him eventually come back, as if nothing had ever happened? Make him actually feel guilty for bringing her there in the first place even though she'd agreed?
Hmmm.
Guilty.
Rachel sighed and brushed tears away.
Whatever.
It'd been too long, it didn't matter now. He had his little life there, she had hers. She still didn't want to live there and was now pretty sure he wouldn't return. Her time to ask him to come back for her had passed. Each of them had things they weren't willing to leave behind this time. So she'd just have to face the fact that this was how things were going to be.
Too much had changed. Bruises were still too recent.
Time had healed nothing so far. If anything, it'd opened some cuts. The silent treatment only got her wondering.
What was he up to? Did he have a new girlfriend? What was he doing that exact moment?
She shouldn't...
"Mommy?"
Silence.
"Mommy??"
A soft touch on her leg.
"Mommy, are you up?"
Rachel finally opened her eyes and saw her little girl looking at her. She smiled softly. After being hit by the sudden realisation that she'd slept on her home office though, she startled.
"Baby, what time is it?"
Ella just shrugged. Rachel didn't know if it was the sleepy mood she was still merged on, but she could see Ross clearily through their daughter's gesture. She always did.
"Where's your brother?" Rachel sat up straight and rubbed her eyes, finally looking at her watch. It was almost seven o'clock.
"I don't know" Ella threw herself onto her mother's arms and just stayed there, yawning.
Rachel simply hugged her baby tight and kissed her hair, recalling her thoughts from the previous night.
Their beautiful, precious little baby...
"Mom?"
"In the office"
Mike entered and eyed his mother, confused.
"Did you sleep in here?" Mike had a concerned look on his face.
Rachel sighed. He always acted like the man of the house. She pondered and frowned. He really was.
"What do you guys wanna do today? It's saturday and I got nothing to do all day"
Mike looked down. He knew his suggestion wouldn't be taken, as it never seemed to be.
"Do you wanna go to the zoo, Mike?"
He looked up at her and disserted.
"No"
Rachel sensed how upset he was. She knew what it was.
"I do, mommy"
Rachel looked at her daughter and smiled weakly.
"But dad's gonna call" Mike reasoned.
"He can call my cell, sweetie"
"Does he know the number?" Rachel went silent. "I'm staying" Mike pouted.
Rachel quickly looked down and nodded. She could use a day in to rest, after all.
"Okay"
Ross left the gate holding his one small piece of lugage, so little he could take it in the plane as handbag. He wouldn't need much anyway. By the next morning he'd be done with his business in Florida and ready to fly up to New York. His stomach double flipped. First chance he got, he picked up a phone and dialed Rachel's number, once again fearing the sound of her voice.
Much to both his relief and disapointment, Mike was prompted right next to the phone, waiting for his father's promised call. At the slightest sound of the first ring, the boy dove for it.
"Hello?" Mike's voice was hurried, as if ready to hang up the fastest he could if that wasn't his father.
"Mike?" Mike smiled. "It's dad, hi!"
"Hi dad! Have you arrived yet?"
Rachel eyed them from a few feet behind.
"Yeah, I just got to Miami. I'll be leaving early in the morning, I'll see you for lunch, okay? Tell you mother I'll pick you and Ella up, okay?"
"Okay!" he couldn't wait.
And so the day went by quick. Before Ross knew it, he was already turning off the engine of his rented car in front of Rachel's new house. It was the first time he'd ever come by. Last time he visited, she was living in an apartment in town. Now she lived in a rather large house in Long Island. Ross couldn't understand why she'd chosen to move back to the place where both of them grew up, but decided he wouldn't ask her, anyway.
He picked up the presents he'd brought for his kids and nervously walked up to the front door. But he didn't have to go very far. Before he could approach the three-steps stairs, the door opened and Mike ran to his father's embrace.
"Dad!!"
Ross dropped to his knees and hugged his son. God, he'd missed that.
"Hey, buddy. How are you doing?"
Mike broke the hug.
"Fine! C'mon!"
Mike got his hand and dragged Ross into the house.
His eyes were looking around for so much. For signs of his family's new life, what'd they been up to? For his little girl. For her.
"Ella!! Dad's here!"
Ross tried not letting his daughter's absense bring him down. He kept looking at Mike to try to make him feel better. But all the while, he wondered why Ella couldn't be as excited as her brother. Was he not a good dad to her? Nah, she probably just considered him an average guy who visited from time to time and brought presents.
And ruined her mother's life.
'She's just two years old', Ross tried to remember himself. 'This is just who she is.'
"C'mon, dad, she's just in the livingroom, with mom"
Ross swallowed hard and followed his son. They entered the livingroom. It was large and well decorated. Rachel was holding the telephone, aparently having just turned it off. She looked so beautiful. It took his breath away. Right next to her, stood Ella. She was looking at her father with a blank expression. Still, she made him smile. She was so beautiful. Despite everyone's comments about how much she looked like him, he could still see so much of Rachel in her. Him and her mixed into one amazing little girl.
"Hi Ella" Ross melted.
Ross noticed the nudge Rachel gave on their daughter. The little girl crossed the room and Ross hugged her.
Pure bliss.
"Hi daddy"
"How are you?"
She just shrugged.
"Hm, I brought presents"
As if that would change everything.
Ella smiled weakly and took her present. Mike thanked his father with a huge smile on his face and opened his.
"This is so cool, dad, thanks!"
Another fancy toy that must've cost his a fortune. Rachel just watched.
Ross moved his sight and looked at her again. She'd aparently done something different with her hair again. It was long, still very blond, loose, cascating in soft curls. She was still as fit, as fashionable as she'd always looked, even wearing an average outfit. It hurt even more to admit how much he was still atracted to her.
"Hi, Rachel, how have you been?" he politely asked.
"Fine. You?"
"Good"
Rachel helped their daughter picking up the wrapping paper from the floor and then looked up at him again, trying to act cooly indifferent.
"Good. How's Rio?"
Her ways almost made him fall quiet. But the small talk was needed, for their kids' sake.
"Hm, still there"
She gave him a fake smile and he smiled back, much like her.
"Dad, come and see my bedroom, I wanna show you something!"
Mike once again grabbed his father's hand and dragged him up. This time it didn't take him much effort though, Ross was glad to escape from the coldness of the room.
As she pressed the wrapping paper tight inside her hands, Rachel looked down at Ella and saw the glow in her eyes as she looked at the teddy bear she'd just got. Presents could still buy a lot those days, it seemed.
After a long drive by many restaurants, Ross finally ended up taking his kids to McDonalds. Ella remained quiet, sucking on her straw. Mike, on the other hand, was fussing around the Happy Meal boxes while rambling on about something he'd seen on t.v..
"But it's not as good as it used to be, they killed off my favorite character!" Mike looked inside his box again "Ella, did you get my toy?"
Ella just smiled innocently and kept drinking her beverage. Mike sighed and Ross couldn't help but chuckle.
"So, have you guys seen Aunt Monica?"
Mike was taken aback by the question.
"Hm, what?"
Ross noticed his nervousness.
"Your Aunt Monica, have you seen her lately?"
Mike looked down. He knew that would make his dad upset with his mom. So he just felt silent and very slowly shook his head.
"What? Why?"
He didn't want to speak and make things harder. But lying to his father didn't seem like a good thing to do either.
He simply shrugged.
Ross realised the position he was putting his son in and sighed. He'd have to talk to Rachel about it. He never did because the thought never crossed his mind, he didn't think it would be necessary. He had to know one thing though.
"When was the last time you saw her?" his voice was calm this time.
"Hm, Christmas? Grandma called and invited us to go there. We went there for a couple of hours"
Ross ruffled his son's hair and tried to smile.
"What do you say we go over there now so you can see your cousins? I bet Jack's catching up to you"
Mike smiled, pleased.
"Yeah"
Ross hugged his son and kissed his hair, while he looked at Ella. She was still quietly focusing in her drink.
He missed these simple things.
Mike's eyelids were falling softly as Ross watched. Each time they took longer to open, but the little boy seemed eager to stay awake. His father was leaving in the morning, this was going to be the last time he saw him in God knows how long. He had to stay awake... to savour this... to have a daddy...
They didn't open again for that night.
Ross kept watching him for a little longer. Having already put Ella down aswell, this left him nothing else to do at that house. But he couldn't move, he couldn't leave just now.
After what seemed to a whole hour, he got up and closed the door after himself.
Downstairs, Rachel was picking up toys from the floor. Ross stood by the doorway not wanting to interrupt her, to bother her. He should just leave.
But... no. He had to ask her.
He cleared his throat to draw her atention. Sure enough, she looked up.
"Well, both of them are down."
"Good" was all she answered.
Ross' mind raced. How should he begin?
"Rachel, hm, listen. There's something I want to ask you." Her entire body froze. What could this be about? Oh, so much. "Can I..." he trailed off and motioned to the couch.
"Sure, sure, sit down"
He sat down and she followed his steps, sitting on a near by chair.
"What is it?"
There was so much he wanted to ask, to say to her. But no, this time he'd stick to the one thing he'd been thinking about for so long.
"Well, as you know, summer vacation is coming and Mike will be free from school..." She sighed, it couldn't be "...and I was just wondering if the kids could come down to stay with me for a while" It was fair, but Rachel was blinded by her so many feelings "It's just that I haven't seen them much the past two years and I just..." he stopped and tried to melt down her cold expression with his warm words "...I miss them"
Rachel looked down and sighed. They'd never gone by a single night away from her.
No! No, no, no!
Saying no was so easy.
She looked up at him.
No... saying no to that face of his was not easy.
"The whole summer, Ross?"
"No, maybe not the whole summer, they probably woulnd't take that, but...! A few weeks, I don't know. You can come too, they're gonna miss you. This way they'll have a good time and I'll get to be with them. It's just that I can't get time off that time of the year and it's the only time Mike will be able to tag along and, God, Rachel, I miss them"
"I had plans for the summer, you know?" her voice was annoyed.
"Whatever it is, you can do it there, Rachel"
"Yeah, I'll take the kids to Disneyland in Brazil, that makes perfect sense!" she shot him an angry look.
He was starting to lose his temper aswell...
"God Rachel, don't be selfish! You spend the whole time with them, I just get to see them once in a while. Do you think this is easy for me?? They're as much mine as they are yours!"
He paused. Her response to that terrified him to death.
Amazingly enough, it seemed he'd hit a safe spot.
So many scenes flashed in her mind, along with their so many feelings...
"And what about my work?" her voice was softer.
"Can't you get a week or two off? I mean, you were going to take it anyway to go to Disneyland." Silence followed. "Please, it'd mean a lot to me, Rachel, you have no idea"
She looked at him and looked a bit down... There was a moment of silence.
"I'm just not sure I can go back there so soon." He noticed her eyes glistening with tears and stopped breathing. He had no idea. "I mean, we moved in there and all the fights began, Ross, I- I don't know... It would just be hard for me"
Ross looked a bit down. He didn't want this to come out the wrong way.
"Hm, you don't have to come if you don't feel comfortable"
She shot him a look. That did sound terrible.
"But I don't wanna be away from them."
"Neither do I, Rachel! And yet, that's how it's been for two intire years for me!" They kept looking at each other for a while. He had a point, she noticed. This really must be horrible for him... "You know how important these children are to me. If you don't wanna go, that's fine. But, as a parent, I also have the right to be with my kids once in a while"
Silence.
"Okay. It's only fair"
"Thank you!" he said as if this was just fair.
"But I'm going with them."
lol, I got nothing to say :) If you do, you know what to do (errrr, review!! :)). See you (hopefully) soon!! :D