Chapter 2

Jack had wondered what was wrong when he hesitated for so long before acknowledging that he wanted to make this commitment to Barbara. He had made excuse after excuse to himself, justifying his reluctance to declare his love for her and asking her to make their relationship permanent by telling himself it was for her safety. He had told himself it was to protect her from his enemies still out there who would willingly and happily kill all those he loved. The attack by The Man in the Hat had seemed to justify his reluctance, but Barbara had said she was willing to take the risk as the result of being with him, and Jack believed her. He knew that the possibility that someone else might try to hurt him through her would always exist even if they just lived together, and he loved her too much to give her up. He acknowledged that the threat was remote; he genuinely believed that almost all of the people who might come after him already had, although he knew that the operative word was 'almost.' His seeming reluctance to marry her because he was afraid for her safety wasn't a legitimate concern any longer, he finally admitted to himself, despite the efforts of the Drazens and Ibraham Azar. That was no longer the issue, although he'd tried to convince himself that it was. Total security wasn't possible, and never would be, and Barbara accepted that. No, the problem was his inability to permanently, emotionally commit himself to her.

As she lay crying in his arms Jack kissed the top of her head and tried to analyze his feelings. He still felt Teri's death very deeply, and he knew he always would, but he had made up his mind to move on, so that wasn't the cause of his hesitation. Kate and he were over, he acknowledged, she had happily married someone else and Jack was genuinely glad for her. He had never truly loved Claudia, theirs had been a mutual need, but it had never been deeper than that. And his love for Suzie was safely tucked away in a corner of his mind, not an impediment to making Barbara his wife. So why was he so reluctant to commit to her?

He had thought that this issue was resolved. He didn't understand why he was still hesitating, as was readily evident from his failure to participate in the preparations. He had believed that he had come to grips with the fears that had held him back, but he realized that he really hadn't. The problem was that he didn't know what he was still afraid of.

Jack didn't feel threatened by Barbara's professional success; he had benefitted from her talents and determination, and he was proud of her, so that wasn't the problem. He'd always been attracted to strong women with minds of their own, and that described Barbara. Her independence made him feel good, for he could never love someone who wasn't strong enough to stand on her own. Although Teri had acknowledged that she needed him in her life when she'd told Jack he could move back in it wasn't because of weakness. It was because she realized how much she missed him and that being together was more important to her than their problems. It had to be something else, he knew. He just couldn't understand what it was.

Barbara was in a relationship when they'd met, which she'd ended when she was working to exonerate Jack. She'd told the man that she had to concentrate on getting Jack out of prison, but she later acknowledged to herself that her decision to break it off was because of her growing attraction to Jack. She'd kept it hidden even from herself until she proved that he wasn't guilty of the charges against him, for she had needed to maintain her objectivity. They started seeing each other shortly after his release, and she acknowledged to herself that she loved him deeply. It was months before he declared his love for her, and she didn't tell him of her feelings until after he'd told her his. She didn't want to pressure him, she told herself, but deep down she recognized that she was afraid he'd reject her. She knew of all the hurts and losses he'd suffered, or at least she thought she did, and she understood, rightly, that he was afraid of losing someone else. But eventually he'd overcome that fear, or he so believed, and they had raised their relationship to a new level, declaring their love for each other and their desire for a permanent life together. Jack was endangering that life, and he was tearing himself apart.

As he lay there in the dark with Barbara in his arms Jack continued his introspection. The thought occurred to him that perhaps Barbara didn't truly understand how flawed he was. The idea clicked in his mind. It felt like he was onto something. Would she decide that he wasn't worthy, and leave?

Jack realized that the thought of Barbara walking away from their relationship terrified him. He was afraid that she would find him lacking and decide that she was better off on her own. But why would he think that? She knew him, all of his strengths and weaknesses, and still she loved him. He was sure of that. Or was he? For the first time in his life he was afraid of being rejected by someone he loved.

When Teri had told him to leave after the debacle of Nightfall it wasn't because she didn't love him, didn't want him. It was because he had completely shut her out, had fallen into an emotional abyss that he wouldn't let her try to help him climb out of. He had caused her tremendous pain when he withdrew from her, but still she'd asked him to come back. She was determined to help him, whether he wanted help or not.

But with Barbara it somehow felt different. He now knew how flawed he was, but she didn't know the extent to which he felt lacking. He was afraid that when she learned it she wouldn't be able to stand to be with him, that she would decide that he wasn't worth it, and leave. She had made a good life for herself, with professional success and a healthy social life. And they didn't have a child to bind them together.

"Barb," he said quietly, and turned so that he could see her face. She looked up at him, and saw something different in his blue eyes. It was the look of recognition, of admission of his feelings. "I know what the problem is. Was," he corrected himself. "It won't be a problem any more."

"What is it, Jack?" she asked softly. "Why don't you want to marry me?"

"I do want to marry you. But I'm afraid that you'll leave me, Baby. I'm afraid that you'll decide I'm not good enough for you."

Barbara pulled away and turned to lean on an elbow as she looked at him next to her on the bed. "I don't understand. I'll never leave you, Jack. I love you."

With maturity had come the ability for self-examination. Jack finally understood himself, or at least he was beginning to. So he told her of his thoughts, hesitantly at first, and then with more certainty.

"I know you do, Baby. But I'm afraid that you don't know enough about me, the kind of man I am. I'm afraid you won't be able to stand my moods, that I may pull away from you, shut you out the way I did with Teri. I know that hurt my relationship with her, hurt her very much. I'm afraid that you'll decide that you don't want to put up with me, and you'll walk away."

"Oh, Jack," she said, tears coursing down her cheeks again. "I thought it might be what happened to you before, but it never occurred to me that you thought I might want to leave you. I know your relationships have caused you pain. But why don't you believe me? I love you more than anything. I'll never leave."

Jack had had nothing but time to think when he was in prison, after Barbara had agreed to represent him and restored his belief that he deserved to live, and he'd allowed himself to believe that he might someday be released. With time he finally come to accept the reason why he had chosen to become dependent on heroin. It was comfortable, reassuring, to blame his addiction on his need to develop a cover with the Salazars, as he had explained to Chappelle and Placecki so long ago. He now accepted the falsity of that excuse. His addiction had actually interfered with the Salazars' trust in him, for they thought of all junkies as weak. He conceded that they were right. No, he finally admitted to himself, I started using to forget the pain, the awfulness of everything that happened because of my work at CTU, and my trouble at home. He now acknowledged that the problems he and Teri had had were not only the result of his life as an agent. He hadn't then been strong enough to confront his weaknesses as a man, and Teri had been the victim. He regretted that more than anything.

When he began to reflect about himself in prison he'd felt that Victor Drazen was right. I really am a monster, he'd thought. God knows I acted that way. The heroin had made him forget the feeling that he had lost all semblance of humanity. Learning about himself had helped him regain his will to live. Otherwise, he was sure, he would have killed himself. Even in prison he'd have found a way.

He still worried that when Barbara learned of all he'd done she would find him so flawed that she'd leave. In order to keep her in his life he had to open up. His fear would continue unless he told her everything. As painful as it was, he knew he had to do it. The fear became so overwhelming that he could no longer control it.

That night, Jack broke down. He cried uncontrollably as the words poured out. He told her about things she hadn't known, explaining the details of the horrors in his life, the things that he felt made him unworthy of her. He told her of losing his first love, his troubled marriage with Teri that he now acknowledged wasn't caused by CTU, how he had betrayed her with Nina, his reconciliation with Teri, her unexpected pregnancy, her murder, the loss of the child she'd been carrying that they thought represented their chance for a new life together, how Nina had murdered Teri, how he killed Drazen when there'd been no need, shooting Chappelle, killing Nina, again when she posed no immediate threat, chopping off Chase's hand. He told her that he had been prepared to put Jane Saunders inside the contaminated hotel. He told her about all the people he had killed, and of the other people whose deaths had followed him. Dead people whose names he did not even know. He told her how he felt about himself, that he was unworthy of her love, and unworthy of happiness, unworthy even to live. Everything he'd kept bottled up in his life he told her, sobbing so hard that he was shaking. Although she hadn't known many of the details he revealed to her she wasn't repulsed by what he said. She held him and spoke to him in a quiet voice, telling him she understood, that she loved him, that she would always love him, that nothing he could do or say would ever scare her away. Like a small boy, he cried himself to sleep in her arms.

When he awoke the next morning he saw Barbara lying beside him, watching him. She'd stayed in bed after she awoke because she knew it was important that he see her first thing, so that he'd know that she would always be there, no matter what. He saw the look on her face and he relaxed, for what felt like the first time in his life. He saw on her face that no matter how evil, how monstrous he thought he was, she still loved him. She again spoke quietly, telling him that he was neither evil nor a monster. She told him that what he'd done had been for the good of millions, who would never know all of the things for which they owed him their lives, and that he had paid a terrible price for his selflessness. She told him that the evil that he'd done had been to himself. She told him that he was the finest person she'd ever known. What she told him brought him back to life.

He'd slept some more, and when he awoke again he felt stronger. He had thought the tears would never stop, and maybe there were more to come, but he could face her now, and with her, face the future. Then he'd told her how much he loved her, and she told him she loved him, too, and she felt confident in his desire to marry her.

That night had proved to be a catharsis for Jack. His relief at her reaction was palpable. Her acceptance meant everything to him. It helped give him the strength to let go of his past, and to start to forgive himself. He knew that he'd always bear the scars, the emotional ones even worse than the physical, but he was healing now. He could begin. He could marry Barbara with a clear head, and a clear heart. It was time to concentrate on her. His wife-to-be.