by Tina
Ross pushed the door open and walked in with the lugages. Rachel took her time, letting her eyes carefully run over every inch of the livingroom before finally stepping inside, after her children. She'd solely decorated the entire penthouse, but refused take anything when she left. She looked at the sculptures and remembered they never got to use them before, they used to be kept in their closet. They would wait untill the kids were older to expose them.
"Do you want me to take them out?"
She startled.
"What?"
"The sculptures. Do you want me to take them out, back to the closet?" he repeated.
She realised he noticed she was looking at them.
"No, that's fine. I guess it won't really be a problem anymore"
Next thing she noticed was how he'd kept the safety net on the windows and balcony, even though their kids didn't live there anymore. Maybe he'd just recently put therm back up, she though. She slowly crossed the room towards the balcony and Ella followed her. The view was amazing. The apartment was right across the street from the beach and oversaw all of the coast line of Barra da Tijuca. She breathed the salty air and looked down at Ella.
"Do you like it, honey?"
"It's big"
Rachel chuckled.
"Well, this was your first home..."
Watching from a good distance, Ross seased the oportunity.
"And do you wanna see your first bedroom, sweetie?"
Ella simply nodded and took Rachel's hand, assuring herself her mother would be by her side. When Ross opened the door to Ella's bedroom, Rachel had to swallow her gasp.
"I had to run a few changes around here, though. There are new toys and other things more apropriate for your age." Ross looked at Ella and was glad to see her eyes brightening up. "Do you like it?"
"Yes!"
Ella ran in and span around once, letting her eyes see everything she'd got. It took Rachel by surprise, it even annoyed her. Ross, on the other hand, had a huge grin on his face. His hard work had not been in vain.
"What about my room, dad??"
Ross felt Mike tugging on his shirt and smiled.
"C'mon, I'll take you there"
When they left, Rachel walked in and kept looking around Ella's bedroom, there was too much to see. The toys, the furniture, the framed pictures. She picked up a frame which contained one of the very last pictures they'd taken as a real family. Ha, real... Rachel didn't know what that word meant, anymore. Still, she let her memory run free, something she wouldn't normally allow herself to do.
Just like they did every single sunday morning, Ross and Rachel were at the beach with their kids. Rachel was for once lying in the sand, tanning, while she watched Mike from a reasonable distance. The little boy was by the edge of the ocean, aparently trying to built a sand castle, Rachel wasn't sure. As smart as he was, Mike couldn't be exactly considered an artist.
Far from them, Rachel could also peek on Ross and Ella. They were closer to the street, under a booth. Ross was drinking coconut milk and leaning over the stroller, smiling widely at the baby. A mix of frustration, anger and sadness filled Rachel in moments like those, sometimes. They had been living in Rio de Janeiro for almost an entire year and it seemed like Ross was beginning to create roots in there, while Rachel refused to.
She couldn't stop thinking about New York. Going to Monica and Chandler's, talking to Phoebe, their kids, working, the coffee house... Manhattan and everything it could provide her. She even missed the rush people always seemed to be in, which was such a contrast against the way brazilians seemed to act. The "don't know, don't care" motto was also gone, which was something she would believe she'd like. But the interest brazilians seemed to hold towards her felt disrespecting, she wanted to keep her privacy. Those days, she could easily snap at a simple "How are you?"
Thing is, she'd hate everything from there before hand, whatever it was. She wouldn't give it a chance, she couldn't give it a chance!
It didn't matter what could happen. She was not in for bending. After giving in to Ross' oportunity, she realised things weren't easy like that. So she stopped putting effort on it. She stopped putting effort into anything. It was his turn, if he cared about their family, he'd fix things.
He had noticed how things were different, she knew that. But he'd surprisingly backed out and gave her space. If he thinks time's gonna solve things, magically like that, he's wrong, she thought to herself. As selfish as she knowingly was, Rachel just wanted to go back. She kept making excuses, many "if he cares...". But truth was, whatever he made, wouldn't be enough.
"If he cares... he'll work on it and make things better here."
But whatever he did, wouldn't make things brighter. She didn't want to be there. And she wanted him to stop pretending, it was worthless.
"If he cares... he'll give me space."
As it turns out, that's what he did. And she hated it. Was he just going to stand there and wait for something to happen? For her to work, again? She was too tired.
"If he cares... then he'll go back to New York."
But she would still hold resentment, for the fact he ever considered dragging her down there. Things were never going to be the same again.
What were they doing there then? What was the point if, either way, things were going to end up bad?
Rachel hurt. She hurt because she was alone. She hurt because she felt unloved, as if Ross didn't care about her anymore. She wasn't priority. Because he was a different person now. And, most of all, she hurt because she knew she was only making things harder for them. She hurt because their marriege was dying.
And she blamed him. She couldn't help but.
And she hated him for that. He was killing their love, how could he? She had to hurt him too. And by the look on his face, looking down on Ella, she knew taking the kids away would be the best way to do that.
Since the decision to move to Brazil, those thoughts filled Rachel's mind once in a while. Since Ella's birth, however, their frequence increased.
She'd usually change her mind, thinking it was just the hormones. If she could just try, they could make it. And they would be one happy family again.
But she'd already sacrificed so much, now it's his turn!
Rachel sighed and looked back at Mike. Her eyes filled up with tears and she sighed. If she was so unhappy, maybe she really should leave. Not to hurt Ross, not to take the kids from him. Just for herself.
If only she could get... a break.
How ironic.
As confusing as her memories were, so full of emotional contractions, Rachel remembered it all vividly and still understood. She could still savour that confusion, after all she had not yet come to a conclusion. How could she had been so enclosured in her own little feelings? Maybe if she'd opened up...!
Too late.
To pull her back from her memories, Ross re-entered the room.
"Well, Mike's changing, he said he wants to go down at the beach. Are you coming?"
Rachel looked down at Ella and saw her surrounded by toys. The little girl, however, looked interested.
"What do you say, Ella?"
"Okay!"
Ross smiled.
"Well, Rach, I've put your lugage in the guestroom, okay?"
"Yeah, sure"
Ross was about to leave when Rachel continued.
"Hey, Ross, isn't it a bit cold for the beach? This is supposed to be winter, right?"
Ross smiled again. He had such a pretty-boyish smile when he was happy like that.
"Yeah, but it's pretty hot today. I'll have Mike bring down a sweat shirt either way and since the sea water's probably cold I'm thinking he could come and swim in the pool, which is heated"
"Right", Rachel had forgotten about the pool on the second floor of the penthouse. Now she just hoped she could convince their kids to go back to New York at the end of the following two weeks.
The beach was rather fun. Rachel played in the sand with Ella, while Mike ran around with Ross, kicking a soccer ball. At one point, they'd improvised goal posts with Ella's new sand toys and Ross pretended he couldn't catch the balls Mike would kick towards it. They had coconut milk while Mike listed all the things he wanted to do the next few days and finished their lovely afternoon going to the pool after watching the sunset at the beach.
Mike was lying on top of a floating matress and Ella had floaties on her arms. Being too scared to float by herself, the little girl was hanging on to Rachel with all her might.
"Ella, let go, nothing's gonna happen!" Mike rolled his eyes.
"No!"
"Mike, leave your sister" Rachel said patiently.
The little boy just turned to his father's direction and dived, swimming underwater towards him. When he returned to the surface, he had a wide smile on his face.
"Did you see that, dad??"
Rachel turned to Ella.
"Sweetie, mom's got to go to the bathroom"
"No!!"
Rachel sighed and smiled.
"Oh, yes, I do"
Ross couldn't help but chuckle.
"C'mon, Ella, just let go, nothing's gonna happen, you're not gonna drown"
"Mommy, please!"
"Come here, Ella, I'll take you while your mother goes" Ross interrupted them.
Ella looked at Rachel, who smiled. Ross took Emma on his arms and Rachel left the pool. He couldn't help but watch her leave.
Then he lowered his sight to his daughter and smiled wider. He leaned in and kissed her hair. He wanted her to love him so much.
"Are you liking it here, Ella?" she just nodded. "Anything you wanna do that Mike hasn't said yet?" she disserted. "And do you miss anything from home?"
One more time, she disserted and Ross ran out of things to ask.
Fortunatelly, Mike approached and started playfully splashing water at them. Ella spashed water back, giggling in Ross' arms. It was so adorable he couldn't help but hold her tighter.
When Rachel returned, she couldn't help but notice how Mike and Ella's lips were starting to turn blue, despite the warm water. The weather was getting quite chilling.
"Guys, sorry to interrupt, but it's time to take a nice hot shower, it's getting late. Come on"
Ross helped Ella and Mike out.
"While you do that, I'll make us dinner. What do you guys wanna have?"
"Mac and cheese!!" Mike shouted.
Ross chuckled, he hadn't cooked that in a while. Not a very usual dish in Brazil.
"I'll try to arrange that"
And sealing their first day, after putting the kids to bed - and getting rather upset by the fact Ella, for once, decided to sleep in her own bedroom and not in bed with her - Rachel bumped into Ross on the way to the kitchen.
"Oh, I'm just gonna get a glass of water"
Ross smiled politely.
"You don't need to explain yourself."
This is you house now, Ross, Rachel thought to herself. To him, she just smiled.
"Right"
She turned to continue her way to the kitchen, but his voice stopped her.
"Hey Rach" she looked back at him. "I don't think I ever got around to really thank you for this. I know it's, well, hard coming back, but... This means a lot to me. I wish you'd understand how much I apreciate this"
She simply looked at him.
"I do"
She gave him the best smile she could, at the time - which was not a very big one - and entered the kitchen.
Ross sighed and went to his bedroom.
Maybe it was't going to be so hard, after all.
This chapter is weird and confusing, but I'm posting anyway 'cause I wanna move foward any way I can! I'm going through a very blah phase right now and so it's like I can't concentrate too well. Still, writing is something that helps, in a way. So I'm doing it! :) Hm... reviews? They'll get me in a better mood ;) Probably get me to focus more?? lol! :)