A/N:
This is an experiment gone terribly awry, so please go easy on me with the reviews. And yes this is in fact a Chicago/Spongebob crossover, so you are going to witness our beloved characters behave completely OOC...and it may disturb you. OK and now that you've been warned you should know that this story is based on, as well as much of the dialogue is taken from the Spongebob episode "Naughty Nautical Neighbors", though like my portrayal of our Chicago characters, I apologize for entirely butchering the episode.
AND ALSO PLEASE NOTE:
To more easily understand what is going on in this story, you'd have to of have had seen this SBSP episode.
For those of you who haven't seen this episode, can't remember it, or just have no clue what's going on in my crazy-ass story, the following parts were inspired by the following SB characters:
Ladies and gentleman, this September 27th,
Roxie Hart IS Spongebob Squarepants
Velma Kelly IS Patrick Star
Billy Flynn IS Squidward Tentacles
Oh and I don't own neither Chicago nor Spongbebob. (Darn it!)
Billy sighed contentedly at the kitchen table sprucing up his chocolate soufflé. 'My first day off in 2 months.' He thought. 'And finally a day away from the infamous and ever-obnoxious Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly', his at one time 2 favorite people.
Billy shuddered at the thought of the 2 of them now owning separate apartments to either side of his own, and quickly discarded the daunting notion from his mind.
"Wowww! William Raymond Flynn, this is the best soufflé you've ever created!" said Billy excitedly to himself snapping his fingers in the air. Billy could feel his mouth begin to water as he sat down to his soufflé, the delectable scent teasing his taste buds.
But before he could tear into the mouthwatering pastry, Billy was distracted by a loud burst of laughter proceeding from outside his window. As he approached the window the piercing laughter only grew more and more intolerable.
When he stuck his head out the window, to no surprise of his own, Billy could see both Roxie and Velma sitting almost directly below his window hiding from each other behind his garbage cans, giggling like giddy schoolgirls, and tossing paper air planes up in the air and back and forth at each other. When he took a closer look he noticed the two writing notes in each sheet of paper before folding them up and sending them off.
Billy looked down to the left at Roxie, as she scribbled out another note.
"Heya Velma" it read. She folded it up and sent it off. Billy watched in chagrin as the little plane whizzed by his face and back down into Velma's grasp. Upon catching it, Velma immediately opened it and laughed ravenously.
Velma then began to scribble on her own piece of paper what Billy could make out to be "Heya Roxie" and folded it up and tossed it high in the air and over towards Roxie. 'No wonder not a single club in Chicago will take them on anymore.' Thought Billy irritated to no end with the girls' childlike behavior and constant distractions.
Just then as Billy watched Roxie unfold Velma's paper plane note, he was struck with a genius though roguish idea. Hastily he grabbed his notebook, scribbled out a message and tore it out. He then folded it into a perfect plane just as Roxie began writing another message.
Billy looked down. Roxie's message wrote:
"Velma, you're my best friend in the whole world."
Laughing villainishly, as Roxie's note plane flew up at him, he grabbed it and quickly replaced hers with his own. Billy held back overbearing laughter as he watched Velma unfold his note. It read:
"Velma, you have 2 left feet and your voice could make tone-deaf alley cats cry."
Velma was taken vexatiously aback. As Velma wrote her response, Billy jotted down note after note at a feverish pace and briskly and skillfully folded them into perfect little planes.
Roxie received Velma's response. It read:
"Do you really think that, Roxie?"
Happily, and unaware of Billy's sordid scheme, Roxie replied and sent her plane on it's way...
"Of course Velma, anyone with eyes and ears could see that."
The next plane fell into Roxie's clutch...
"Yeah well, I think you're ugly. Blonde is UGLY!"
...Velma had written.
Roxie felt her stomach drop.
"Velma what are you talking about?"
...She wrote next.
By now Billy was peering out his window almost doubled over in hysterics. He grabbed the next plane on its way from Velma and sent 2 of his own, one directly following the other, down to Roxie.
"Roxie Hart, I no longer wish to know you."
"And if I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar!"
Roxie was disheartened though more filled with rage than anything else.
Billy, having way more fun with the situation than healthy for a man his age, sent another plane down to Velma.
"Hey Velma, there's a new job opening down at the Anderson farm. Yeah I heard they're looking for a girl with looks like yours...to scare the coyotes away at night."
Velma was on the verge of spontaneous combustion. "Yeah well that makes you a big dummy...YOU DUMMY!!!" She roared at Roxie bursting out from behind the garbage cans.
Roxie joined her. "Yeah? Well that means...SO ARE YOU!!!" she blurted out clumsily.
"And you're an ignoramus!!!" yelled Velma.
"What's that?!" Barked Roxie.
"It's what you are!!!"
"Well you're a bigger one!" Roxie retorted.
"Well you're still blonde!" said Velma. "And you know what else is blonde?!"
"What?!"
"YOU ARE!!!"
"Yeah well it doesn't matter what you call me 'cause I never wanna see you again anyway!" Roared Roxie.
During all the commotion Billy had taken a ringside seat to all the action outside his apartment. There he sat eating his soufflé and enjoying himself more than he had in years. "Oh this is too good to be true!" He shrieked aloud.
Roxie stormed off into her apartment and slammed the door. "Damnit!" she yelled.
Velma stamped off into her own abode, slamming the door, and not noticing the back of her dress was caught in the doorway...
RIP!
..."Oops."
Billy was in stitches. As he attempted to calm himself down he put another piece of soufflé in his mouth, which did not work in his favor. At once he began to laugh uncontrollably again, this time inhaling the unchewed piece of soufflé. Billy began to choke. Sputtering and wheezing he fell to the ground. As he hit the ground with a thud, Velma happened to be walking by her second floor window. She sprinted down the stairs and out the door to his side.
"Wow Billy you're choking!" She said noticing him becoming more and more blue in the face. "I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first...Oh well."
At once Velma stuck her hand into Billy's mouth and reached down into his throat and pulled out the piece of soufflé that was making him gag.
"I win!" She exclaimed as the color began to return to his face.
When Billy came to, he couldn't believe his good fortune. Overcome with appreciation he pulled Velma into an embrace. "Wow, Vel, you saved me!!!"
"I guess I did, didn't I?" laughed Velma puckishly.
"Yeah you're a real lifesaver, friend."
"Friend? .........FRIENNNNND!" Repeated Velma obsessively grabbing Billy by the shoulders eyes bulging.
"Yeah, Velma, we're friends...just friends." Billy said slightly pulling back from Velma's crushing grasp.
Suddenly Velma wrapped her arm all the way around Billy. "So what are we doing tonight, best friend?"
"Well I was gonna practice my sax solo."
"Great, sounds like a date to me." Chirped Velma. Billy sighed as Velma dragged him back to his apartment.
Once inside Billy prepared to show off his advanced saxophone playing talents. "Tonight Mr. William R. Flynn will be performing his version of 'Solitude in E Minor'. He announced.
"I'm all ears, Billy boy." Said Velma seemingly impassioned.
Within a minute of Billy's session he spun around to find Velma fast asleep on his couch. He was not pleased.
Meanwhile over at Roxie's apartment, Roxie grew more agitated and distressed by the minute. She began to pace back and forth, more bothered by the day's events than she cared to be. Though she loathed admitting it, she missed Velma and try as she might, she could not understand what had happened between her and her best friend...though now rage held a tighter grip on her than did her sorrows.
"Aw what am I worried about? I got plenty of friends! I could name 5 right off the bat!" Said Roxie reassuringly to herself. Roxie ran off to the den and came back with a pen. Abruptly she drew 5 little faces on all 5 of her fingers. "See, the gangs all here." She squeaked out through repressed tears.
Suddenly Roxie heard grunting and groaning coming from outside. When she gazed out her window she observed Billy attempting to drag a snoring Velma across his front yard and over to her apartment.
CRACK!
"Ooh my back! I threw out my back!" Cried Billy.
'Oh boy, now's my chance!' thought Roxie.
"I'm coming Billy! Don't worry!"
"Roxie? No stay back!"
Billy could hear her swiftly approaching now, and panic began to overtake him. "If anyone could make this situation worse it's Roxie.' Thought Billy. Sweat beads poured from his forehead as Roxie's steps grew louder.
"Hang on! I'll save you! Hold on!" exclaimed Roxie.
"No! Please! Get away from me!!!"
Already in a running start Roxie took a flying leap through the air. With the force of a speeding freight train she karate chopped Billy in the back.
"Aaaahh!!! I'm ruined!!! I'm... I'm.... Hey I feel great."
All of a sudden Billy's muscles began to unclench. He couldn't remember the last time his back felt so limber. Billy was profoundly amazed.
"Oh thanks Roxie, you're a real friend!"
Roxie's eyes lit up like a neon sign and her smile stretched a mile wide. "FRIENNNNND!" She repeated in a compulsive tone looking almost as though she was possessed.
Billy was immediately repentant for his words. "Oops! No! I didn't mean..."
"Don't worry Billy honey," Roxie interrupted. "That's what friends are for."
Billy cringed as Roxie cheerfully led him back to his apartment.
"So that cow Velma fell asleep on you, huh?" Said Roxie once they sat comfortably in Billy's living room. "Some friend!" She peered around the room and spotted a bassinet resting next to Billy's art easel.
"A real friend would perform for you."
"I didn't know you played anything Roxie." Asserted Billy somewhat impressed.
"Are you kidding? I've been playing bassinet for years." Remarked Roxie walking over to the instrument positioning herself ready to play it.
"Give me an 'A' babes."
As Billy began to play so did Roxie...with penetrating repugnance. "Billy is my best friend in the world!" She sang along to her grating performance on the bassinet. "Billy forever him and me! Billy--"
"Likes Velma more than Roxie!" Velma chimed in popping her head in through Billy's open living room window. Roxie was not amused, and instantaneously slammed the window in her face.
"And Velma is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend stealer!" screeched Roxie in a fit of rage, pile-driving the bassinet into the floor so that it shattered into dozens of little pieces.
At the sight of this Billy had become so irate that you could almost see the steam rising from his pores. Roxie looked down at the totaled bassinet and the surrounding wreck on the floor. She chuckled nervously.
"Uhh, I can fix this."
Barely able to contain himself, Billy furiously made his way towards Roxie. Fearing that she was about to become Chicago's next celebrated homicide, Roxie began to scream bloody murder. Ignoring her screaming Billy gathered her up without a moment's hesitation and chucked her out the door.
"So, uh, I'll see you tomorrow then, Billy? Call me!" She shouted to him across the yard. Billy slammed the door. Again he trembled when he thought about the occurrences of the day.
"Ick that was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself!" he said audibly to himself as he made his way to the bathroom.
Once in the bathroom Billy prepared to take a shower. But when he drew the shower curtain to turn on the water he was confronted with a startling display. There was Velma sitting in his bathtub, an assortment of bath toys floating around her.
"Hey baby, I warmed it up for ya!" She mouthed enticingly with a wink as she pulled out a scrub brush.
"Aaaaahh!!! Velma get out! ...And put some clothes on!"
But before either Velma or Billy could move a muscle, they heard a rustling at the bathroom window. All at once Roxie appeared, perched on a ladder staring into the bathroom through the open window.
"Hey Billy I thought I heard some--OH HO!!!" She gasped. "So this is what I find huh? My best friend and my EX best friend and...RUBBER BATH TOYS?!?!"
Billy rubbed his temples in exasperation. 'This can't be happening to me!' He thought.
"Oh yeah well, he was my friend first!" bellowed Velma with all the class of a downtown 2-dollar harlot, who was still sitting in Billy's tub.
"No way!" Returned Roxie. You're just a blubber-building, backbiting, bathtub-filling blob of...--
"AAAAAAAHHH!!!" I can't take it anymore!" screamed Billy at the top of his lungs. He set off running outside to hide, the 2 girls chasing after him wildly and calling his name.
"Billy?!"
"Billy where are you?!"
Billy jumped into one of the garbage cans beneath his window, desperate for asylum. "This is nuts! Uugh! I need a plan to get those 2 back together and out of my hair!"
After an entire night without sleep thanks to Chicago's own killer dillers' relentless phoning every 5 minutes, Billy arose from bed quivering and on the verge of insanity. But it was now officially time to put his plan into motion.
At 4 O'clock that afternoon Roxie was awoken from her nap by a phone call.
"Billy! Hi there! How ya doin'? ...A dinner party? I'd love to!"
Within a minute of putting down the receiver, Roxie was off to get dressed for Billy's party. In a bolt of lightening she was bathed, made up, and dressed to the nines.
Once at Billy's front door she struck a seductive pose. "Didja miss me babydoll?" She asked even more impishly as Billy answered the door.
"Come on in! You look stunning." He complimented her flashing a toothy grin.
"Thanks hon. Ya know I'd much rather dine with you than that lousy..." Roxie froze dead in her tracks. There was Velma sitting on the sofa looking equally dolled up and as glamorous as ever.
"Say what gives? I'm not sitting near that maniac!" Protested Roxie as she grimaced treacherously at Velma, largely resembling a shrew on the brink of a kill.
"Me neither! This was a setup! Affirmed Velma sufficiently disgusted. She adjusted her amethyst lavaliere and cocked her head to the side, refusing to meet Roxie's glance.
"Oh come on now," Bid Billy placing an arm around each of them. "I thought you 2 were my best friends?"
"I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND!" they both ardently shouted at once.
"Well I'll tell you what, how's about we all sit down and have a glass of the old fire water and see if we can't figure this whole mess out." Suggested Billy casually. Both Velma and Roxie shot the other a daggerous glare.
Billy handed out the glasses. "A toast to friendship." He coaxed. The girls reluctantly raised their glasses to be filled. "HUH? What's this?" Billy feigned shock as he looked down at the bottle. "Sorry ladies, it seems I'm all outta gin. That's OK, I'll just go down to Frankie's and get some more. There's an idea! Why don't you 2 stay here and chat. I'll be right back." He grabbed his fedora, smirked defiantly, and with that he was out the door.
With every progressing second the discomfort of the situation increased. The silence in that apartment could have just about been cut with a knife. But by now Roxie couldn't take it anymore. Velma was the one who had started all this, wasn't she? She was so angry that she just wanted to smack the flashy diva...and in actuality, Velma was just as intent on doing the same to the little blonde.
Roxie grabbed a pillow off of the sofa. She clenched it so hard her knuckles began to turn white. "TRAMP!" She yelled without warning.
Velma looked over at her in horror. "FLOOZY!!!" Velma thundered, almost daring her to go a little further.
That was the limit for Roxie. All at once she walloped Velma full force with the pillow, knocking the wind out of her. For a minute Velma sat there flabbergasted, unable to come to grips with what just happened. Finally she turned to Roxie, other pillow in hand...and it was on. She smashed her opponent in the back of the head with the pillow, causing Roxie to fall face first onto the floor.
But for a split second the two cracked a smile, and at the speed of light Roxie was back on her feet and charging at Velma like a bat out of hell. But this time, Velma countered the attack and sent Roxie flying across the room where she hit an end table and knocked a porcelain lamp to the floor shattering it. Roxie and Velma both bit their lips, but they could no longer hold back. The girls burst out laughing, and continued on with their pillow fight.
Smashed plates and bowls here, a ripped out chandelier there...Books, radios, tables, chairs--all kaput ...They knew demolishing Billy's apartment in the wake of one little pillow fight was wrong, OH-SO-WRONG, but they were back to their naughty showgirl selves, and it felt much too good to stop now. More importantly, they were friends again, and friends gotta have fun somehow!
As Billy strode along the street on the way back from Frankie's, he pondered how the status of the Roxie/Velma situation was coming along, completely unaware of the impending doom that awaited him at home. When Billy approached his doorstep, keys in one hand, paper bag in the other, he could feel the ground beneath his feet vibrating. As he got even closer he could hear thumping and pounding like that of a jackhammer, coming from inside his apartment.
'I should just walk away right now.' He thought with a shudder. When he opened the door to his apartment Billy almost forgot to breathe. It was unrecognizable. There was literally nothing left...well nothing left in one piece anyway. Billy calmly put down his paper grocery bag and walked in to the disaster area.
"What a surprise. I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Billy old boy, what have we learned today?" He remarked solemnly to himself.
"Hey guess what Bill!" Chirped Roxie affably.
"Me and Roxie are friends again!" Cried Velma.
"Great." Said Billy sarcastically. "Go be friends somewhere else!"
"Don'tcha want us to help you clean this up a little?" asked Roxie ever so pleasantly.
"NO!!! OUT!!!!!" Hollered Billy so loud that his dented walls shook.
"Psst. I think he's jealous." Whispered Roxie as her and Velma walked out the door.
"How pathetic." Added Velma.
Billy, finally rid of the toxic twins, angrily slammed the door behind them, not noticing that they had knocked it off its hinges earlier. It fell on him with a thud, trapping him face down under it.
"Oooooooooh."
Billy shuddered.