Title: She Can Never Know
Author: mispel
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Rating: PG
Summary: Buffy wants to keep painful secrets from Willow
Spoilers: Early season 7
Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing
Feedback: Any comments are welcome
"Willow can't find out."
Xander turned back to her. They had been on their way out when Buffy's words stopped him. Spike could be heard mumbling to himself behind the half-closed metal door. They had tried to get him to tell them where a nasty demon bunch liked to hang out, kick up their heels, ritually disembowel their victims. He hadn't been much help. Big surprise.
"She can't know," Buffy insisted standing close to Xander so no one could hear them talk.
Xander looked at Buffy in the dark. There was a light bulb hanging from the basement hall ceiling somewhere to their left. Her big eyes were shining, looking up at him insistent, not brooking any argument.
"I already talked to Dawn," Buffy added.
Xander got the feeling that she was reminding him that he overstepped before so he owed her.
"I am just a guy with a big mouth, never know what's going to slip out," Xander said. He wasn't ready to make any promises.
"I'm trying to keep her grounded. She has a bit of a problem. Remember?" Buffy reminded him.
"Oh, yeah, the veins, the black eyes, the skinning, the temple raising." Xander remembered.
"Yeah."
"Spike without skin, it might be funny." Xander pictured it. It was gross but not entirely unpleasant, like eating oysters.
"We can't let her slip back."
Xander must have been looking at her for a while without speaking because Buffy called his name.
"Maybe if you talked to her, like best friends," Xander suggested.
"Don't you think I want to?" Buffy said, her expression pained.
"Then do it. She won't turn him inside out if it's not what you want," Xander said. He sounded a little bitter and Buffy noticed.
"That's not enough?" Buffy asked him pointing her thumb behind her. Spike had gone quiet for a little bit, and now he was making a sobbing, gasping sound. Xander looked at the rusting door.
"That's just the sound of a soul doing its job. Couldn't have happened to a nicer vamp."
Xander refused to pretend that he felt any other way than the way he did. Disgusted, angry, maybe a little pity creeped in now and then, but mostly the other two. But it was just talk, at the end of the day he'd give Buffy whatever she wanted.
"You can tell me. I'm easy to talk to. Remember?"
Willow shifted a little so she could see him better. Spike was curled up on the dirty floor with a blank look on his face.
Buffy and Xander had filled her in before they went on to question other demons. Willow wanted to make herself useful. She found Spike in his high school basement hideaway. Buffy and Xander hadn't been a hundred percent sure if he didn't know anything or if his insanity was getting in the way. Willow was giving it another try.
"It might help to talk. Like about these demon guys. We heard they have a favorite, secret hangout."
Nothing. He didn't move. And since he wasn't breathing, it was pretty creepy.
"Don't you want to help Buffy?'
Spike shuddered and Willow jumped. It was like a jolt went through him.
"So that's what it takes to revive you," Willow said coming close again.
"Buffy needs your help," Willow told him feeling like she was getting somewhere.
Spike rose and stared at her. Willow backed up a little.
"Buffy." Spike said her name in a haggard voice, like it caused him pain.
Willow wasn't sure how long it had been. Her hands had been shaking the whole time even though she felt calm. Spike had gone quiet again. But he had already said so much - once Willow had taken up the other line of questioning and forgotten all about why she came.
Her hands wouldn't stop shaking. Willow looked at them. They looked pale, almost translucent. Spike was lying against the wall, curled up away from her. In the dark basement he could hardly be seen. He was just a dark shape in a dark room.
Buffy was sitting on Willow's bed, getting ready to tell her. Willow could see how difficult it was for her. She let her off the hook.
"I know."
"How?" Buffy asked. She looked surprised for a second then mad.
"From Spike. I got a hint when I tried to pick his brain about those demons last week. I wasn't prying," she said defensively. She looked down, then continued, "at first I didn't even know what he was talking about. I wasn't sure if it was just the insanity talking. But then it all clicked. It all made sense. Except something like that can't really make sense."
"But you're OK?" Buffy asked her eyes big with worry.
"You saw him for yourself."
Buffy nodded. That was the proof. Spike was in one piece, same as the day before. Willow was the picture of complete recovery and self control. Buffy looked so proud of her.
Buffy left Willow's room smiling.
"Sorry, Buffy," Willow said after the door closed. She looked down at her hands. Solid. Not like they were then. Willow could hear a voice in her head. She kept her head down afraid that if she looked up she would see her with her tight, red dress and her messy curls.
"You scrambled his brain but good, little witch. You learned a thing or two from me, huh?"
"Go away," Willow told her. She had to keep it together. No one could tell anything was different about Spike. She had only made it last. Taken away all hope of recovery. Like putting more change in the parking meter. No big deal.
"Buffy can never know."
The end