by Tina
Rachel was having trouble sleeping that night. As usual now, she was laid in Ross' bed ready to sleep, after making love. He had his arms protectively around her and her cheek rested safely on his chest. Even though she was able to forget all about that evening and the thoughts they rose in her head for a few minutes, she was having trouble keeping them away now.
'Rachel, this is Isabella, a friend'
It seemed like Ross had too many girl-friends these days. Way too many.
She shook her head slightly. No, she was just under this impression because the female friends were the only ones Rachel paid atention to. Why did they all have to be so beautiful, anyway?
It didn't matter.
But still... Rachel couldn't stop thinking about his life after she left. He must've had a lot of girlfriends, huh? She could easily picture him mopping around, depressed, atracting the simpathy of all the women who'd be glad to cheer him up. And of course he'd be in a much better mood.
And the picture just kept getting uglier and uglier in her imagination.
Ross kissed the top of her head and started getting up.
"I'll be right back"
Rachel pulled away so he could sit up. She looked at his broad back and pondered... How many other women had had the oportunity to interact with him like that?
He entered the bathroom and Rachel rolled to the other side, closing her eyes.
Oh, the fear. The very same fear that had made her screw up so many great things she had before.
She wasn't aware that fear was causing such great discomfort, but still tried to shoosh it away.
"I can't believe I hadn't thought of this before!"
Flávia and Rachel were entering a restaurant after leaving the kids to spend a few hours with Flávia's husband, Hugh.
"Sort of a support group, is it?" Rachel rolled her eyes.
"Don't mock this, it could work! It's a great idea and you'll see!"
They reached a table where about five women were sitting, having drinks.
"Hey girls!" Flávia greeted with them with a broad smile.
"Tah-tah-tah, em Português!" one of them joked, with a disaproving voice.
The other girls laughed and Rachel just stood there.
"No, actually, this is Rachel" The women smiled and waved at Rachel. "She's new. Well, sort of" She laughed and Rachel shot her a look. "Anyway, this is not the point. Bottonline is: English is allowed today so we can all get to know Rachel! Rachel, sit!"
Rachel's eyes grew wider when everybody looked at her. This was embarassing, but Rachel knew Flávia was just trying to help.
"Hm, er, hi" she nervously said, followed by a wave of responces.
"Where are you from?" one of them asked.
"New York. Originally, Long Island. Then I lived in Manhatan for many years and now I'm back in Long Island"
"You mean you're not living here?" another woman asked.
Rachel looked at Flávia, not exactly knowing how to go on.
"I did, for about a year. Then I moved out and now..." she thought about the way she felt the previous night, but decided to ignore it. "Now I might be coming back"
"Her husband's working here" Flávia explained.
"Ex-husband" Rachel corrected her.
"It can be hard, huh? My husband was also transfered here a couple of years ago and we had some troubles at first, but after a while you just get used to it. We came from London, by the way" which was a given, Rachel thought to herself, because of her heavy accent.
"Yeah" was all Rachel allowed herself to say.
"What do you work with?"
"Fashion. I work at Louis Vuitton back in the states"
"Willing to give that up to come back?" the voice of the blond haired woman was careful.
"I might. Hm, so did you guys all moved down here because of your husbands?"
Among a roar of yes, Rachel spotted one no.
"I'm the one who got transfered here, actually."
"And your husband tagged along?" It wasn't untill those words left her mouth that she realised the woman was not wearing a ring. "Oh, sorry"
"That's okay. Kevin and I split up a couple of months before I came"
"Oh, so it didn't have anything to do with this?"
"No, it did"
"Oh."
Rachel couldn't help but think of how such thing could break up a marriege before it even begun. A simple thought! Plans that could "easily" be undone. They had sworn they would stand by each's side other through bad and worse, for God's sake!
But then again... so had she.
"Don't get me wrong..." she began, as if she could read Rachel's mind "...it's not like we broke up because of this. I mean... it all just sort of puts the relationship in prospective, you know? I could easily give up this job to save my marriege. It is, or, well, was, more important than my job"
"Then what happened?" Rachel found herself really curious.
"It just... didn't feel right knowing that I was willing to give up anything for him and he wouldn't do the same for me. And I know this sounds spiteful and imature, but I just hate it that he was so selfish and couldn't recognise the great chance that was given to me"
Rachel's insides crumbled and she felt sick.
That's how Ross must see her... Selfish.
Lunch was just lovely, despite everything. Rachel got to know all of their stories while they encoraged her to stay. They kept saying great things about Brazil and how you get used to it, you grow to love it. You make new friends, you meet new things, you built a new life. And Rachel herself throught she could use a new life.
The realisation she had reached, however, didn't leave her mind for one minute. She didn't think it was possible, but now she felt even more guilty than before.
"Yeah, yeah, dad, go!!"
When Rachel entered the t.v. room, Mike was cheering as Ross was giving the Playstation a go. Ella was standing near, looking anxious. The minute she looked at the screen, some big monster ate another one and Rachel had to figure out it was Ross', because Mike's cheering got louder.
"Yay!!" Ella screamed through giggles.
"Way to go, dad!"
Mike and Ross high fived.
"Thank, you, thank you" Ross replied with a quickly inflated ego, which made Rachel chuckle.
"Yeah, way to teach your kids" she sarcastically said.
Ross smiled back at her and said nothing in return.
"Hm, can I talk to you? In private?" she lowered her voice.
"Yeah, hm, sure" he turned to the kids. "What do you kids wanna do tonight?"
"Bowling!" Ella shouted.
Rachel laughed while Ross looked intrigued.
"That could work"
"You know she can't even hold the ball off the ground, right?" Rachel commented.
"Well, she can play with me!"
"You can't bowl either, Ross" she mocked him in the cutest way someone could be mocked.
"Hey, I just ate the diamond guard monster!"
Rachel smiled.
"Sorry, I forgot we were bowling in the video game"
"Didn't you want to talk to me?"
Her smile grew wider at his atempt to change topic.
"Kids, yeah, just plan the bowling thing, we'll be right back"
The nanny was still on standby and watched the kids, so Ross and Rachel left to another room. The second Ross closed the door, he turned to Rachel and embraced her into a passionate kiss. Taken aback, she still accepted it gladly. After a while, though, she broke it.
"Hm, you know..." she was still dazed "...when I said talk, hm, for once, I meant talk!"
"Oh" Ross went bright red and Rachel smiled. "Okay, then"
Rachel loved how adorable he could get when he was embarassed. She quickly wrapped her arms around him and kissed him again.
"Hmm, talk, Rachel, focus"
She laughed.
"Okay. Hmm..."
She looked around, not knowing how to begin. She took a deep breath and sat down on the couch. Ross went nervous and uncertainly sat next to her. She looked up at him and he was profoundly scared by her serious expression. Sure, she had just returned a caring gesture of his, but she could still easily be ready to break his heart now. Everything was possible with that woman.
It couldn't be...
Ross' heart was pounding like mad.
"I just..." Rachel didn't know how to start. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course" his answer came very quickly.
"Hm..." slight pause "How many girlfriends have you had since I left?"
Ross didn't know how to approache the matter. He knew how freaked out Rachel could get over things like this and make a big deal out of them. How could he ever make her see that no one could ever compare to her? And, at the moment, should he make her see that? Because if she was about to leave him again, it was, as Joey would call it, a moo point. Did he want her to know how bad he was if they weren't going to be together? Was he going to give her that much information power?
He took the high road. The safe road.
"I've just seen two people, a few times" he stopped, trying to read her expression and see if that was enough answer. "Nothing serious, really, just made me realise I was not ready yet"
"Oh"
Rachel didn't know what to think. She didn't know why exactly she'd asked him that question, but she had to know. She wanted to know how things were like after she left. And now, on one hand she felt jealous of those two girls who got to be with him. He was hers. However, on the other hand, she felt guilty for screwing him up that bad. He couldn't even be with anyone yet. It was all her fault. How could she claim him hers if she neglected him?
She was a terrible, terrible person.
He deserved more.
She shook her head, trying to prevent tears from forming. She was so angry at herself. She didn't have the right to feel this way. And most importantly, she didn't have the right to drag him into something that she just knew she was going to screw up, eventually. He was so right when he told her that, before. So, so right... 'He's always right', she thought.
And she was selfish enough to keep going.
'Just two days and a half to go now. I should at least enjoy the mess that has already been done!'
If she was already labeled as "selfish", she could aswell just make use of the title and be it.
And with that, she threw her arms around him and kissed him full on the lips. Ross was rather confused, but didn't protest.
Rachel was now almost sure she'd be leaving in a few days in order to keep herself from hurting him again. She loved him too much and guilt was already eating her alive. Meanwhile, Ross held her almost so sure that this was the beginning of their happy ending.
Oh, the lack of comunication...
Yeah, I don't know, sorry :) I had to add this to start unravelling the end. Yeah, sad, isn't it? We're still gonna have many chapters to come, but I gotta stick to my plan! I kinda like this fic and all, but I can't keep writing it forever! I have strict structure rules, I'm such a perfectionist sometimes :)
Thanks for the great reviews!! And sorry for last chapter, kinda. I was feeling really sick and wanted to post it ASAP really bad! Now, tomorrow I'm leaving town for a few days, so no update. I'll probably be back on tuesday though, it'll give me time to think ;) Please leave more reviews, I like knowing how you're following this :)