Understanding

Disclaimer:I do not own Harry Potter and other related materials, for they all belong to J.K. Rowling. I quoted a lot of the dialogue from Order of the Phoenix, but it is from Draco's point of view. The song "Understanding (Wash It All Away)" belongs to Evanescence. It is one of their old songs.

Author's Note:Hopefully, I'll be able to finish this story because as everyone knows, I suck at writing long stories. I bet Anna and Melanie hate me for not continuing Without Trust there is No Love. I'm sorry. I'll continue it as the year goes by.

Oh yes, and for the reviewers who asked if that is the end of the story, no it's not. Here it is! The first chapter! Or second…depending if you count the prologue as a chapter…

Thanks to Anna for beta-ing my lame stories! .

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.

Consciously, you've forgotten it,

That's the way the human mind works.

Whenever there is something too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain,

We reject it.

We erase it from our memories. But the imprint is always there…"

(Can't wash it all away)

(Can't wish it all away)

(Can't hope it all away)

(Can't cry it all away)

The pain that grips you

The fear that binds you

Releases life in me

In our mutual

Shame we hide our eyes

To blind them from the truth

That finds a way for who we are

Chapter 1: Shame

For a while, Draco sat alone in a compartment. The train had not departed from Platform 9 ¾ yet because it was only 10:30. Draco arrived early because he didn't want to be in the crowd. He could not stand the glares he got from most of his classmates that were not in the Slytherin house. Some of them would occasionally send a hex flying over to him and other Slytherins that were known to have some association with Death Eaters. The war had begun in the magical world, but it had fired up a war in the walls of Hogwarts.

He thought they would have accepted the fact that his own father was a Death Eater. The news had been out for nearly two years now, and they still start at him like they just found out yesterday. Perhaps it was the war that made them frightened of Draco. The War made everyone believe he was just like his father.

Draco let out a sigh as he saw Pansy, Goyle, and Crabbe step into the compartment. He acknowledged their presence with a nod, and they did the same. Pansy sat across from Draco. Crabbe and Goyle sat next to Draco. Pansy wasn't the same pug-faced girl that she was. She had matured now, and she had grown to be a rather pretty girl.

"I see you're early, Draco." Pansy said, tonelessly.

"As always, Parkinson." Draco muttered.

"Why so early?" Pansy asked.

"You know why. It's the same reason you're all here before the crowds come." Draco answered, leaning back on the chair.

"Or maybe we just came because we knew you'd be here." grunted Goyle.

Draco shot Goyle an irritated glare, which made him mutter a sorry and look away. Pansy rolled her eyes and leaned forward.

"What are you so ashamed of, Draco?" Pansy asked.

Draco closed his eyes irritably and did not answer. He began to hear indistinct chatter of some students coming aboard the train.

"You don't understand." Draco said, quietly.

"Oh, please don't start wallowing up in self-pity, Malfoy!" Pansy snapped, angrily. "Of course we know what it's like. You know, you aren't the only person with a father for a Death Eater!"

"I know I'm not, god damn it!" Draco said, angrily.

Crabbe and Goyle exchanged nervous glances. They sensed that Pansy and Draco were going to have another row.

"We'll just be leaving…" mumbled Crabbe, slipping away with Goyle out of the compartment.

Draco and Pansy ignored them, still glaring at each other dangerously.

"You sure don't act like you know!" Pansy retorted.

"Whatever, Parkinson" Draco said, coolly. "I don't feel like wasting my breath on you."

He crossed his arms and looked away from her. Pansy, stomped her foot on the ground angrily.

"No!" Pansy shouted, "You're going to listen to me, Draco Malfoy!"

He shot her an annoyed glare. She continued in a low and dangerous tone, "There's no fucking shame you should feel about your father. Who cares about what the others think about us, Draco?"

Draco didn't answer, so Pansy continued, "Damn them all because in the end they'll know they were wrong about the Dark Lord."

"Wow, Parkinson. When did you meet up and have a deep, meaningful chat with my father?" Draco said, sarcastically.

Pansy shook her head and sighed. For a while, they sat across from each other in silence. Draco closed his eyes, again, and tried to shut out the noise coming from the outside. He also tried to shut out the thoughts of what was to come this year. But mostly, he was trying to block out what had happened during the summer.

"Draco, I know like I sound like a bunch of crap. Believe me; I sometimes think I'm lying to myself about these things." Pansy said, quietly.

Draco opened his eyes and met her gaze.

"I guess, I feel the shame in this too." Pansy said. "The same shame you feel."

For a moment, their eyes locked at each other's gaze. Draco began to realize how thankful he was to have Pansy to help him through everything. Even though she didn't understand what Draco was going through, he still appreciated her. He loved her, but it was no more than out of friendship.


"Don't forget about the Head Boy, Head Girl, and Prefect meeting in the front compartment when everyone arrives." she reminded, lightly.


Draco nodded, and she left the compartment. It left Draco back to his thoughts, back to the beginning of his nightmares. Draco looked out the window that was facing a brick wall. The chatter seemed to fade away as he became lost within his own morbid thoughts.

All this started at the end of my fifth year at Hogwarts. Potter and his friends' went to the Department of Mysteries located inside the Ministry buildings. I heard it was because Potter had a vision of Sirius Black being hurt by Voldemort. Therefore, he foolishly believed that it was real. Thus going to the Department of Mysteries, where what awaited him was supposed to be death. But like always, he escaped death. Unfortunately, Black did not.

At the Department of Mysteries, Death Eaters, including my father, were sent to retrieve some prophecy. They were expected to kill Potter and his friends, retrieve the prophecy, and give it to the Dark Lord. But they didn't know Potter was much more than they bargained for, as always. What did they expect? I must admit, he did defeat Voldemort four times or something. If you ask me, I think the Death Eaters underestimated that idiot.

From what I've heard, there was a duel between Dumbledore and the Dark Lord. But no one really recalls what exactly happened at the time.

Out of Potter's stupidity, not thinking before he acted, Black died. But to most people, he did some good that day. He helped Aurors catch a bunch of Death Eaters, which made him a beloved hero once again. And it landed my father into Azkaban prison. I remember being very angry at Potter. I even confronted that stupid scar head.

I saw him in the Entrance Hall. He stopped when he caught sight of Crabbe, Goyle, and me. I stopped too. I looked around for any teachers. When I made sure there weren't any, I looked at him with a deadly glare.

"You're dead, Potter." I threatened.

"Funny," he said, raising an eyebrow. "You'd think I'd have stopped walking around…"

I struggled not to run forward and punch him. "You're going to pay," I said in a quiet, but dangerous tone. "I'm going to make you pay for what you've done to my father…"

"Well, I'm terrified now," he said with much sarcasm in his voice. "I s'pose Lord Voldemort's just a warm-up act compared to you three--" I flinched at the sound of the name. "What's the matter? He's your dad's mate, isn't he? Not scared of him, are you?"

I glared at him and advanced towards him. "You think you're such a big man, Potter," I said. "You wait. I'll have you. You can't land my father in prison."

"I thought I just had." he replied.

"The dementors have left Azkaban. Dad and the others'll be out in no time…" I said, half lying just to reassure myself.

"Yeah, I expect they will. Still, at least everyone knows what scumbags they are now." Harry said.

In an instant, all the rage inside of me had exploded. I quickly reached for my wand, but Potter had already gotten his wand out. I knew he would have cursed me if Professor Snape hadn't stepped into our little conversation.

"Potter!" he yelled from across the Entrance Hall.

Then, I saw how Potter quickly changed his face. I could see hatred beyond his hate for me. It was as though Snape had set off an explosion of rage inside of Potter. For a moment, I was actually kind of afraid that he was going to curse Snape.

"What are you doing, Potter?" Snape asked, coldly.

"I'm trying to decide what curse to use on Malfoy, sir," Harry said, angrily.

During those last few days, thoughts of disgrace crept into my head. And I'll admit that I was somewhat embarrassed that word got out about my father, the great Lucius Malfoy, was one of the Death Eaters. It's hard to explain why I was ashamed. I just felt like a disgrace. At the time, only my father had been caught. The other Death Eaters who were caught did not have children going to Hogwarts, so it became a big deal for me. The spotlight came down to me, blinded me, and burned me.

I visited my father often while he was in Azkaban. He seemed to grow a bit mad at his stay in Azkaban. Even though the dementors already left, he was still crazy. He would rave on about how he would be getting out soon and being with the Dark Lord.

"Soon!" he would say, madly. "I will rejoin with my master, and this war-this last war to vanquish the world of Mudbloods and Muggles-will be won by us!"

I truly believed that the solitary confinement he was put in made him slightly off his rocker. But what he said was true. Very soon, even sooner than I had expected, he and the other Death Eaters broke out of Azkaban. It didn't come as a big surprise for me... I knew that, without the dementors, the Ministry could not hold Death Eaters in a prison for long. The war was about to begin, and nothing could stand in the Dark Lord's way. Especially not Azkaban.

It was in my sixth year, when they broke out. It was the morning of October second, when the owls swooped down, dropping a copy of the Daily Prophet to everyone who subscribed. There were gasps and clutter of silverware all in unison, when they looked at the huge, bolded headline: "DEATH EATERS ESCAPE FROM AZKABAN!" There was a list of the Death Eater names, and it included Lucius Malfoy. That, I believe, was the real start of the war. It was the start of war in the magical world, and the start of it in Hogwarts.

As the weeks went by, the Daily Prophet began putting a list of names of people who they believed were Death Eaters at the time. Naturally, they were almost all associated with the Slytherin students. They were either a parent, uncle, cousin, aunt, brother, or grandfather to at least one of the Slytherins. Thus, it began war among the houses. It was Slytherin vs. Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff.

Not one person from one of the three allied houses associated with a Slytherin. It was against some unwritten rule. Some of the Gryffindors found it hilarious to hex the Slytherins when they were obliviously walking through a crowded corridor. I was their favorite target. The first day when they listed my father's name, a Gryffindor put the leg locker curse on me when I was walking to Potions. I fell, face first, on the marble floor, and it left a bruise on my cheek. A crowd of the three houses laughed, and I caught phrases of their taunting.

"Son of a Death Eater-"

"Piece of filth…"

"He deserves it…"

I never caught sight of the person who did that, but it didn't matter anyway. After the whole list of suspected Death Eaters were released, many more Slytherins got the same "punishment" I got and even worse. It didn't make sense to me. What were they trying to prove, by hexing us in the corridors or when we didn't noticed? Was it even our fault that someone we're related to is a Death Eater?

The teachers couldn't do anything about it. Taking away house points didn't affect their minds nor did it make them lessen their hatred towards the Slytherins. Detention didn't do much either. The things the students did weren't bad enough for expulsion.

Some of the "allied three" were ready to do the worse to Slytherins. Mainly because one of the Death Eaters killed a relative or it was because they just hated Slytherins. Mad with hatred, they attacked any Slytherin who got in their way. Unfortunately, I accidentally got in this Ravenclaw's way. But I was too fast for him for the idiot to do anything, and he ended up staying in the hospital wing for a week.

And that is how Hogwarts is right now. It's chaotic. It's full of hatred, and I'm dreading it. I wonder, sometimes, if the war made everyone like this. Or maybe they were already like this, but the war just brought out their anger. I'd never really know. My father always told me how great this war was, and how it will justify us all. I'm not so sure I believe him. I want to believe him, but I don't. I've seen what the Death Eaters have done to their enemies. It's worse than any one of the Unforgivable Curses. They do much more than torture with a spell.

They torture the enemies physically…cutting off fingers, taking out the eyes, severing any part of the body; anything you could think of as torture. They make the enemy live with such torment until they are begging for death. But they never give it to them so easily. They don't give them death until they reveal the secrets of the other enemies. Usually, they never do. I've witnessed all this during the summer. I saw this happening. I've heard their screams of agony, which still haunt me in my dreams.

Many people don't know that the Death Eaters do this to their enemies. Everyone just thinks the Cruciatus Curse is the only way of their torture. How wrong these people are…

I followed my father down to the dungeons, where they kept all the captured. It was damp, and it smelled something terrible. He led me into a cell, where a man was chained to a wall. He had blood stained all over his robes, and he resembled a skeleton with skin. However, I saw that this man never lost his courage, and he didn't cower from my father as he entered.

"I see you've brought your son here," he said, hoarsely. "Death Eater in training?" He looked at me with his sunken eyes.

Before I could even consider an answer, my father had kicked the man in the stomach. Blood came out of his mouth and he gasped in pain. I stared, in shock, at the sudden movements of my father, and he didn't do it with a second thought.

"Do not talk to my son." My father said, coldly.

He coughed and looked up at my father with hatred. My father turned his gaze away from the prisoner and looked at me.

"You never show them sympathy, Draco," he said. "When they speak when they're not supposed to, they should be punished."

All I could do was nod. He turned away from me and turned back to the prisoner. He began asking him questions, demanding the answers. The man refused to answer. Each time he did not answer, my father set the Cruciatus Curse on him. His screams echoed throughout the dungeons. The agony in his scream surrounded me, and I closed my eyes. I couldn't stand seeing him writhing in pain.

"Now, I'm going to ask you one last time…" My father said dangerously.

"Just kill me." the man said, "I'll never tell you, bastard."

"Trying to be noble martyr?" My father sneered. "Crucio!"

Again, the man started screaming again. But it was cut short when my father stopped the curse.

"Will you answer the question?" he said, putting his wand to the side.

"Never."

My father shook his head and laughed. It was a cold, evil laugh that even made me somewhat scared of him. This whole time, I stood in the corner of the cell. I was wide-eyed and shocked. I couldn't move. I couldn't say anything. I wanted to tell the man to just tell my father, to end his torture. But the words were only screamed inside my own mind. My father called one of the Death Eaters from the outside.

"Find his family. Bring them here, and have them tortured right in front of him. Maybe then, he'll talk." My father ordered.

The Death Eater nodded and went out. I stared at my father in disbelief.

"No!" the prisoner cried, hoarsely "No! Please, no! My family has nothing to do with this!"

"Of course they do," sneered my father, "Their torture will get you to tell us what we want to know…"

"Please! Have mercy!" the man cried, desperately.

"Only if you answer me…I'll tell you what, I'll give you a day to think about it. Tomorrow, when I come back in here, you'll tell me what your decision is. Either you watch your family being tortured or you just tell me." My father said, beckoning me to follow him out of the cell.

There was a woman in the other cell we went into. Her robes were bloody and torn. There were bruises on her thighs and her face. Tears and blood were stained on her cheek. Her brown hair was tangled and dirty. When she saw us enter, she immediately cowered in a corner, whimpering. From the look of her state, I already knew what happened to her.

"Hello, Samantha." my father said, with a cruel amusement in his tone. "Did you enjoy your company last night?"

"You sick son a bitch." she choked out. "Is this another you condemn me to?"

"No, actually, this is my son, Draco." my father said. "But he could be if you don't answer the question…"

I stared at my father in shock and quickly shook my head. "Er--No, I'd rather not. Thanks." I said, awkwardly.

The woman laughed and said, "I see that your son doesn't like the ways you punish the prisoners. You can tell by the frightened look in his eyes…So what are you trying to do, Malfoy? Teach your son to rape, torture, and murder?"

He walked up to her and slapped her hard across the face. "And to sink that low to hit a woman!" she continued in a strangled scream.

Again, he slapped her. But this time it was harder. I winced when I heard the loud smack across her face. It left a red mark on her cheek, and it looked like it was turning into a bruise.

"YOU BASTARD!" she screamed.

"You're testing my patience, woman!" he said, loudly. "Would you like some company tonight as well? I can easily call someone to do that."

She cowered more into her corner, knowing she wasn't going to go anywhere.

"Where are the secret locations of the Order?" my father asked.

"Don't know." she replied, curtly.

"Crucio!"

She screamed, and I couldn't take the horrifying sound of it. I covered my ears and turned away from the sight of her. I could not block out the screams, even so. I couldn't gather up the courage to tell my father to stop, for I knew he would use the same curse on me if I said anything. So all I did was stand there and try to block out the screams of Samantha.

When the screams stopped, she looked like she was dead. But a few whimpers could still be heard from her unmoving body.

"Stop," I said to my father. "Please, just stop. She's never going to tell you, father."

"Are you feeling pity for her?" my father asked, sneering.

"I-Father, you know she's never going to answer the question, so why bother torturing her?" I said, amazed at my own courage.

My father looked angry and said, "Do not question what the Dark Lord wants."

I opened my mouth to say something, but decided against it. "You're going to join, Draco. So you better get use to witnessing tortures…and you better stop pitying these pathetic people." my father said.

He glanced at Samantha's unmoving body and walked out of the cell. I hesitated to follow. I stayed behind and looked at her.

She looked at me with a haunted gaze and whispered, "They've killed my baby…they've killed my baby…oh God, oh God…"

It was then that I noticed the blood. I was too shocked to say anything, and I realized that there was a small lump in her stomach I didn't notice before. I inhaled shakily and walked out of the cell without a word of sorry. When I was near the dungeon exit, I heard her strangled scream of anguish. It echoed off the walls, like it echoed in my mind. She sobbed loudly, screaming over and over about the hate she felt towards the Death Eaters. I felt a pain inside me, and it was a pain for all the prisoners. They didn't deserve the torment…

Now, I'm being asked-no, ordered-to become a Death Eater. I'm being ordered to become one of them; to sink low enough to torture people just to find the answer; to show no sympathy towards pleas of mercy; to kill without a second thought. How do I do that? How do I say yes to something like that?

I was raised to believe that this offer was something to be anticipated for. I was raised to believe that the world should be vanquished of all Muggles and Mudbloods. That was what I believed for a while, before I witnessed the tortures. The tortures they used made me feel sick. I felt ashamed of being the son of someone who wasn't even human, someone who would torture someone for answers, and someone who'd rape a woman just for the pleasure.

Who wouldn't be ashamed of any of this? Who wouldn't be ashamed of their father for being one of these Death Eaters? The others are all proud of their parents being Death Eaters because they don't know what they do. It's like these people aren't even human because they can't even feel the smallest bit of pity. Parkinson said I had nothing to be ashamed of. Well, I do. I'm ashamed of everything. I'm ashamed of being the son of a cruel Death Eater; I am ashamed that I am about to become a Death Eater myself.