Understanding

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and any other related material. They all belong to J.K. Rowling. I do not own the song "Understanding (Wash it All Away)" by Evanescence; it's one of their old songs that has not been on a released album.

Author's Note: I used some dialogue from GoF…

Please don't be afraid

When the darkness fades away,

The dawn will break the silence

Screaming in our hearts

Chapter 3: Insecure

The Sorting had just ended, and only a few students got into Slytherin. Draco felt sick when Dumbledore talked about the war. He had shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and he saw that he was the only one in Slytherin who had done so. While Dumbledore said a few things about the Death Eaters, a few from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw cast a hateful glare towards the Slytherin table and especially at Draco. The Hufflepuffs murmured and pointed at him.

The mindless ramblings of his friends gave Draco a headache. He sat there, staring blankly down at his food. He poked it idly, as a few Slytherins from his year told him all the things he could do to the Gryffindors since he had Head Boy privileges. All he did was nod throughout the conversations. Pansy nudged him hard and gave him a frown of bewilderment.

"What is the matter with you?" she hissed.

"What do you mean?" Draco asked, not looking at her.

"You're acting strange. You're not talking like you usually do, and you're not even plotting up ways to get at Potter and his friends this year. It's just not you…" Pansy explained in a low voice, so no one could hear.

He raised an eyebrow at her and said, "I think you're just being paranoid, Parkinson."

Pansy rolled her eyes and said, "Everyone is noticing."

"I don't hear them say anything about it."

"Well, I do."

"Congratulations."

Pansy scowled, as Crabbe and Goyle sniggered stupidly at their argument. When the desserts disappeared cleanly off their plates, Dumbledore rose from his seat again. He gave precautions of the Forbidden Forests to the first years, and he sent them off to their common rooms, telling them to follow the prefects.

Draco rose from his seat, along with the rest of the students, and strode towards the doors of the Great Hall. A flood of students crowded at the door. But a few first and second years cowered when they saw him coming. He ignored their terrified faces and squeezed through the crowd. If it were a few years ago, he would have had an urge to scream, "I'm Head Boy, make way!", but things were different now. Everything has been different ever since the war. They say the war changes people, and it was true.

But perhaps it was because of the things he witnessed in the summer. It made him feel sick, and ever since then, he hadn't been himself. The screams still haunt him in his sleep; the woman's haunted look as she whispered frantically about her baby; the man's hopeless pleas to have mercy on his family…

While he was thinking about all those dreadful things, he bumped into the trio. They gave him a disgusted look.

"Watch where you're going, Malfoy." said Weasley, angrily.

They managed to go through the crowd and into the Entrance Hall. Every house went their separate ways. However, Weasley stayed behind. Draco could see his sister roll her eyes as he advanced towards him. Granger and Potter stood aside with some Ravenclaw that he didn't know.

"So how did you manage to make Head Boy?" Weasley inquired, enviously looking at his Head Boy badge. "I don't think that Death Eater father of yours could've bribed anyone. Y'know, since it's all out in the open that he's working for You-Know-Who."

"To tell the truth, Weasley," Draco drawled, "Dumbledore thought I was better for the job than you."

Before he could say anything, the Weasley girl walked over, sighing angrily. She pulled Weasley's arm and tried to pull him away.

"Drop it, Ron." she hissed.

He didn't move. She looked desperately at the others who shook their heads. Potter and Granger stepped forward and tried to pull him away, but it didn't work either.

"So how many did you kill this summer, Malfoy?" Weasley continued. "Tell me, how many Muggles? How many from the Order?"

It hit a nerve. Draco quickly whipped his wand out and pointed it at Weasley. Weasley got out his wand as well. Granger walked forward and pulled Weasley's hand down with incredible amount of force.

"As Head Girl, I can't allow this." she said. "And neither can you, Malfoy."

Draco glared at Weasley one last time and lowered his wand. Without another word, he walked off towards the Slytherin dungeons.

I never killed anyone, but they think I did. It was my father who killed them all. I couldn't do anything about it. I watched them scream in agony; I watched them being tortured; I watched them die a slow death. And I never did anything. I just stood aside and watched. I showed no emotion of sympathy, but inside I was screaming in horror. As the weeks went by, I began to grow accustomed to the feeling of horror. I'd bite back the gasps, the screams, and I'd turn away.

That's all I did. I watched them being killed. What was I supposed to do? If I showed any signs of sympathy, my father would have hit me with the Cruciatus Curse; I couldn't do anything. I don't blame them for thinking I killed people. I mean, I never really showed any sympathy that time when the Muggles were being tortured. It was at the Quidditch World Cup.

It was the first time I ever witnessed Death Eaters torturing Muggles. I was in my tent, too excited from the Quidditch game to sleep. My mother had retired to bed, while my father stayed up with a few close friends. Noises of celebration could still be heard, as the Ireland supporters were still celebrating about the victory.

I clearly remember being sent to bed by my father after he had a few drinks with his friend. Not tired, I stood hidden in the shadows, listening into my father's conversation. His friends sounded drunk.

"We should have a little fun tonight…" one of them said.

"Do you have your mask?" the other asked.

"Always carry it with me, o' course."

"What do you say, Lucius?"

I didn't hear my father reply, but I suspect he nodded. Soon, he laughed almost in a drunken state. Then, all grew quiet and I knew they had gone out. A few slow minutes passed by. A scream echoed throughout the campsite. It was immediately followed by more screams. Before I could react, my mother grabbed my shoulder.

"Is it your father?" she asked, urgently.

I nodded. She let out a groan of frustration and despair.

"Draco, go into the woods. It's not safe." She said, quickly.

I obeyed and sprinted out to the woods. I passed the scene where the chaos started. Dark figures, with masked faces, were pointing their wands towards the sky. And they were laughing. I quickly caught a glimpse of what they were doing. Muggles were hanging in the air, being tortured endlessly by the Death Eaters. Two of them were children. One of them was a woman, and she was hung upside down. She screamed as she tried to cover herself up.

Somewhat shocked, I ran into the woods until I was surely safe. Ahead of me, I saw Potter, Weasley, and Granger. Apparently Weasley had tripped over a tree root. Quickly, I leaned against a tree, to make it seem like I was completely relaxed over the situation.

"Tripped over a tree root," Weasley said, getting on his feet.

I smirked and said, "Well, with feet that size, hard not to…"

"Fuck off, Malfoy." he said, angrily.

"Language, Weasley," I said. "Hadn't you better be hurrying along, now? You wouldn't like her spotted, would you?"

I nodded towards Granger. I thought I was doing them a favor by informing them that the stupid Mudblood was in danger. But I guess they took it as an insult. I always knew they were stupid in their own ways.

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Granger.

"Granger, they're after Muggles," I said, as if it wasn't obvious enough. "D'you want to be showing off your knickers in midair? Because if you do, hang around…they're moving this way, and it would give us all a laugh."

"Hermione's a witch," Potter snarled.

I grinned and said, "Have it your own way, Potter. If you think they can't a spot a Mudblood, stay where you are."

"You watch your mouth!" shouted Weasley. He took a step toward me, but Granger pulled him back.

"Never mind, Ron." She said.

A bang shattered the silence from the other side. It was almost deafening, and several people screamed. For some reason, I found this very amusing to see how scared Potter and his friends were. I chuckled.

"Scare easily, don't they?" I said. "I suppose your daddy told you all to hide? What's he up to—trying to rescue the Muggles?"

"Where're your parents?" Potter inquired, angrily. "Out there wearing masks, are they?"

I smirked and said, "Well, if they were, I wouldn't be likely to tell you, would I, Potter?"

I'm not as cold and heartless as everyone thinks I am. I have a heart, surprising as that may be. You have to understand how I was raised. My father taught me that all Mudbloods were worthless, and they all deserved to die. The world should be rid of all Muggles and Muggle-borns, so only pureblood wizards were in the world. That's what I learned, and that's what I believed until the war started.

It's just irritating now, with everyone assuming I'm a Death Eater. If I was a Death Eater, do you think Dumbledore would still let me come to Hogwarts? They seriously don't even use their brain. All they do is assume.

Draco stormed into the Slytherin Common Room, where he found the first years gathered around the room. They were being shown where the dormitories were by the prefects. He swiftly walked past them and headed towards his own room. But before he reached it, Blaise Zabini stopped him.

They had been best friends ever since the end of fifth year. They met during the summer and realized they had a lot in common. Draco was relieved that he finally found a friend that didn't have the looks or the intelligence of a gorilla.

"Hey, where are you going so early?" he said with a smirk.

"To sleep." Draco said, curtly.

"How was your summer?" Blaise continued, ignoring what Draco said.

Draco scowled and opened his mouth to say something, but Blaise cut him off again.

"Well, mine was crap. My father tried to betroth me or something to some girl. She was pureblood, of course. It's getting kind of annoying, really. He doesn't believe I can find myself a girl at Hogwarts or something. Then, after telling him I didn't like that girl, he got all angry. Then, I asked him why I couldn't just find someone I liked, and he said, 'I don't want you associating with those Mudblood and half blood girls at Hogwarts.' And I said-- "

"Okay, Blaise," Draco said, putting his hand up to make him stop. "You don't have to tell me a novel-length story."

"So how was your summer?" Blaise asked, again. "Get into any Death Eater meetings?"

Draco groaned and said, "I'd rather not talk about it."

"Hey, at least you're not getting betrothed to a bunch of ugly, pureblood girls…" Blaise pointed out.

"I'd rather have my father do that than tell me everyday I'm going to have the Dark Mark burned on my arm." muttered Draco, bitterly.

Blaise thought for a moment and said, "True…"

"And Parkinson was all up in my ass on the train." continued Draco, realizing he was bottling up a lot of his anger. He imitated a high pitch tone of Pansy, "'You have nothing to be ashamed about, Draco!'...As if she knew anything about Death Eaters…"

Blaise laughed at Draco's imitation. He patted Draco on the back and said, "Don't worry too much about it, mate."

"So what about you? Isn't your father a Death Eater?" asked Draco.

"Not in this war."answered Blaise. "He believes in what the Dark Lord says and everything with the purebloods. But he's not a Death Eater. My grandfather was though."

"Oh…right." Draco said.

"I bet he'd like me to join though…" said Blaise.

"Why doesn't he join up if he loves the Dark Lord so much?" asked Draco.

Blaise shrugged and said, "Who knows? He says he's going to, but he never does…"

"Well, you should consider yourself lucky…" said Draco.

"Lucky? Look at you," Blaise said, grinning. "You're Head Boy. You get your own room and everything."

"You're not the first person who's jealous about that." Draco said, smirking.

"Anyway, it's not like they treat me any differently." Blaise said, "I'm a Slytherin; naturally, I work for 'You-Know-Who'"

"Yeah," agreed Draco. "Wish they'd stop assuming so much…"

"They won't. Besides, I'm friends with you, so it makes me more of a Death Eater."

Just then, Pansy stepped into their conversation. She was looking at Draco and Blaise with a frown. Blaise raised an eyebrow and gave her a questioning look.

"Did you need something?" he asked.

"No," she said, sharply. "I was just looking for Draco."

"Well, here I am, Parkinson." Draco said, giving her a look of annoyance.

"An owl arrived for you," she said, glaring at him and shoving the letter into his hands.

She turned on her heels and walked away with a huff.

"Wonder what crawled up her ass and died…" said Blaise, as Draco ripped open the envelope.

Draco read it, with Blaise reading over his shoulder.

Draco,

The Dark Lord has informed me that you are able to join us very soon. You will become one of us by next summer, as you are not of age yet. However, if you would like to join sooner, you could come back when winter break begins. You will join no matter what. I will not tolerate any second thoughts of not joining the Death Eaters. You should consider this an honor, and something to be very proud of. We are on the brink of winning this war, and you know that. It's better if you just join the side that is winning, or you will surely die.

I know you have been feeling uneasy about joining us. Ever since you showed sympathy, I knew you did not want to join. It brought shame to me that my own son would show such sympathy to filth like those from the Order. I repeat, you will join, or else you will die. You will be killed by the Dark Lord because we will win this war.

Think about what I have written in this letter.

--Father

By the time he finished reading, Draco's hand were shaking. A long silence passed, and Blaise looked just as shocked as Draco was. Draco exhaled shakily and crumpled up the letter.

"So…" Blaise said, breaking the silence. "Are you going to join?"

"That's what everyone expects me to do." Draco answered, setting the letter into flames with his wand. Then, he stopped the fire with a flick of his wand.

"I don't." Blaise said, "You've changed a lot since the war. You don't think like you used to, and you're not that cruel to become a Death Eater. Not anymore, anyway…"

Draco stared at Blaise, bemused.

"I'm not joining." Blaise said, firmly. "And neither should you, if you don't believe it's right."

"What? But doesn't your whole family support the Dark Lord?" Draco asked.

"Yeah, except me." Blaise said, shrugging. He took out a piece of parchment that looked like an official letter from the Ministry.

"I wrote to the Ministry," explained Blaise. "I'm joining the Aurors once I turn eighteen."

Draco stared at him, in shock. "Zabini, are you out of your mind? Your father will kill you."

"Yeah, I know." Blaise said, calmly. "But I've been thinking a lot of what my father said about purebloods, and it just doesn't make sense to me. I don't believe in that stuff anymore."

There was a pause and Blaise said, "You should join the Aurors if you don't believe in this anymore either."

Draco shook his head and said, "My father would kill me."

"You could always run away before he ever found out." Blaise suggested.

Again, he shook his head and sighed. He thought about the letter and what it said on it. He had no choice, according to his father.

"I dunno," Draco said, unsurely. "I just don't know what to do anymore."