The Dog-Stew College Fiasco
By ArtikGato
Disclaimer: Why don't I own Excel Saga? That is a secret!! (sorries, been watching too much Slayers lately. I don't own Slayers either, fyi)
Author's Notes: I'M SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO POST THIS! I actually had this chapter done a while ago, but I wanted to be done with the fourth chapter before I posted this one, and hit a little writers' block in the fourth chapter. Gomen ne... And now it's the much-awaited third chapter!! Be warned of excessive references to the fourth wall, random/rabid violence, and wrinkly old Cryptkeeper grannies in Computer Tech. classes. No, that's not EXACTLY what happened in my computer tech class, but it's pretty darn close! Anyway, Nabeshin finally makes his grand entrance, The Great Will of the Macrocosym is drafted by moi to reset the universe a couple of times, and Ilpala's actually in this one!
NOTE: For those who don't know, "referencing the fourth wall" means referring to the author/ess, or the higher powers at work anyway.
NOTE2: To avoid confusion, a line of Q's will go across the page whenever the scene changes (which it does often).
Chapter Three: Classes Begin
"Hatchan! Hatchan! YOO HOO! HEY! WAKE UP, DANGIT! IT'S OUR FIRST DAY OF CLASSES!!"
And so, with a demure little yawn, Hyatt Ayasugi greeted the new say, the first morning she would be waking up in her dormitory at Inunabe College.
"Good morning, Excel!"
Excel put down the bucket of water and sighed, making her way into the living room/kitchen area.
"What was all that racket about?" Misaki asked, taking a drink of her morning coffee.
"Oh, that's how I always wake up Hatchan. The girl, I swear, sleeps like she's dead," Excel replied.
"So, what's your first class?" Misaki asked, attempting to start a conversation.
"Intro to Computers," Excel sighed. "Honestly! I think the college things we're all stone-aged idiots or something!"
"I think I have that class too..." Misaki replied.
"What about you, Hatchan?"
"Japanese."
"Oh, I feel sorry for you, Hatchan! What a boring class..."
"No, no, I like Japanese."
"Well, it's almost time to go. Best of luck!" Misaki called as she walked out of the door.
"Wha?! Oh, crap! You gotta start waking up sooner, Hatchan!"
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Watanabe sighed as he walked toward his first class.
'Not that I mind that Iwata and Sumiyoshi aren't in this class with me, but I don't want to be stuck in a class with a bunch of people I don't know...' he thought, reaching the door marked Q443, the room in which his torture, or so he thought, would begin. He opened the door, and there, sitting in the second row of chairs was the beautiful blue-haired girl he had met yesterday, thanks to Iwata and his hairbrained girl-get schemes. He bounced over to the second row, almost floating, and shyly sat down next to her.
"Aren't you Miss Ayasugi from yesterday?" he asked.
"Oh? And aren't you Mr. Watanabe?" she asked, sweetly. He blushed, and piano music that only he could hear played as the background turned pastel and sparkles and bubbles floated around them.
'She remembered my name!' Watanabe shouted mentally.
"Welcome to Japanese 101," came a laid-back man's voice. Watanabe and Hyatt looked up, the bubbles, music and pastel background disappearing, to see a tall man with a huge afro standing at the front of the classroom.
"I'm Nabeshin, your Japanese teacher," the man continued.
"Hey, why am I the Japanese teacher?" Nabeshin suddenly asked. ArtikGato fumed.
"Because...you...are!" she exclaimed, punctuating each word with a blow to Nabeshin's afroed head. "NOW GET BACK TO WORK! AND STOP REFERENCING THE FOURTH WALL!!"
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Meanwhile, Excel and Misaki walked in a direction quite opposite of Hyatt and Watanabe, toward their class.
"Let's see...J11, J112...here we go! J114! Hey, where'd J113 go?" Excel demanded.
"Never mind. Let's just go in. I wanna check my e-mail," Misaki replied, dragging Excel into the class with her. Neither noticed frantic shouts from behind them from a certain man with spiky, brown hair.
"Misaki! Misaki! Umm...other girl! Wait up! Hmm...maybe they didn't hear me. Hey, this is my class too!"
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Sumiyoshi sat in Biology class, bored.
-Why did you stick me in a class by myself, authoress?-
"Stop referencing the fourth wall, darnit!!"
A pillowcase full of bricks drops on Sumiyoshi's head.
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Excel squirmed as she was forced (by Misaki) to sit between the fanboyish Iwata and the glaring Misaki, who wanted to axemurder said fanboy.
"To start your computer, first push the button on your computer..." droned the computer tech teacher, who had a condition originating from his birth that made him unable to talk in any voice other than monotone and made boredom just radiate from him. An elderly woman who looked more like the Cryptkeeper rather than a human being raised her wrinkly old hand.
"Which button do you mean?" she asked. Simultaneously, Excel, Misaki and Iwata all slapped themselves on the forehead.
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And so, the first class of the first day of class went by quickly for some, too quickly for others, and not quickly enough for some others. Excel headed off toward her next class, English, by herself.
"Q145.2? Who comes up with these ridiculous room numbers? Hey, you there, do you know where room Q145.2 is? HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!"
"I know where room Q145.2 is," said an angelic man's voice. Excel turned around to find Ilpala standing there, smiling at her with a hand raised as if he was waving.
"I-Ilpala!" Excel exclaimed, surprised and also very happy.
"Ah, so you remembered my name! And you're Excel, correct?" Ilpala replied. She nodded vigorously.
"So, you said you know where room Q145.2 is, right?" she asked. He nodded.
"Yes. I have a class near room Q145.2, so I'd be happy to show you the way," he answered.
"You will? Great!" she exclaimed.
"Well, let's go!" he replied, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her in a random direction. She practically melted.
'He's holding my hand! He's holding my HAND!!' she thought.
"BREATHE, EXCEL, BREATHE! BREATHE WITH ME! I SHOT YOUR PIGS!" Excel's brain shouted at her. Schuldig popped up, gave the "Love and Peace" sign, and disappeared.
"So, what class are you in?" Ilpala asked.
"English."
"Oh? I took some English classes. I enjoyed them, even though they were required for my field of study." Ilpalazzo commented.
"What field is that?" she asked.
"Law. Or, politics, to be more specific."
"Politics? You're gonna be a politician?"
"...something like that. Actually, I want to rule the world," he joked.
"Ah, here we are Q145.2. I guess I'll see you around, Excel!" Ilpala smiled and waved as he walked off toward his class. Excel sighed dreamily, and practically waltzed into class, with sparkly things floating around her as she hummed a random song that really clashed with the background music. She didn't care about the odd stares she was getting from her classmates and teacher. She was used to getting odd stares anyway, her being Excel Excel, and, she mused, she would reather recieve odd stares than odd stairs, because where would she put them?
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"Oh my! Mr. Watanabe, are you in this class as well?" Hyatt asked, sitting down at a computer next to the black-haired man. He looked up, surprised.
"Miss Ayasugi!" he exclaimed, overjoyed. 'Maybe fate is paying me back for the horrors that are Iwata and Sumiyoshi by putting me in classes with Miss Ayasugi?' he thought, in almost pure rapture. He turned to Hyatt, head filled with ideas of Fate and love at first sight, to find her asleep on her keyboard. He sweatdropped.
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-So, it appears I have a class with someone I know.-
"So it seems," Misaki answered, boredly.
-Q.-
Misaki looked at him strangely and began to edge away.
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"ArtikGatooo! Why am I in a class by myself?!" Iwata complained. A large elephant landed on Iwata, with the message 'STOP REFERENCING THE FOURTH WALL, DANGIT!!' painted on it.
"Ouch..."
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All through her entire English class, Excel ignored the teacher and instead wrote 'Hail Ilpalazzo!' all over the inside of her notebook, for no apparent reason, while having a very cough explicit daydream that we shall not describe for the sake of the rating. Maybe in a bonus chapter if the authoress feels like it.
After a grueling hour and a half, classes were dismissed, Hyatt woke up, and Excel dashed out of class to wait on Ilpala.
"See you on Wednesday, Ilpala," said a random semi-bishounen guy with blue hair as he walked out of the door of A15 (wow, a semi-normal room number!) followed by Ilpala, who paused in surprise at the door of the classroom when he saw Excel standing in the hallway waiting on him.
"Hey there, Ilpala!" she greeted, nervously.
"What a pleasant surprise," he replied, smiling as he walked over to her. "What brings you here, Excel?"
She blushed. "Umm, well...d-do you maybe wanna go eat lunch with me and my friends? I mean...if you're not doing anything else or meeting someone else for lunch or eating someone else for lunch--not that Excel means you're a cannibal or that you should eat Excel for lunch, not that Excel would mind terribly--and Excel is ranting now I'm sorry..."
Ilpalazzo chuckled.
"You're a...peculiar girl," he said, much to Excel's horror. "But I happen to like peculiar," he added, much to Excel's delight. He grinned at her expression and held an arm out to her.
"Shall we?"
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"Where's Excel at, Hyatt?" Misaki asked, half-boredly. The two of them were sitting at a table in the outdoor cafeteria, along with The Three Stooges (a name that Watanabe severely protested to), much to Misaki's dismay.
"I'm afraid I can't say, Miss Matsuya," Hyatt replied.
"Come on, didn't I tell you to drop the formalities and call me Misaki?" she requested.
"Okay...Misaki!" Iwata exclaimed. Misaki fumed.
"NOT YOU!!" she exclaimed as she violently axemurdered Iwata.
"Oh, great, she went and axemurdered him!" Artikgato exclaimed, exasperatedly. "Hey Will-chan!"
"Yes, ArtikGato?" asked The Great Will of the Macrocosym as she appeared.
"Can you PLEASE reset the story?" ArtikGato requested.
"What's in it for me?" she asked. ArtikGato sighed.
"A fudgesicle?"
"Five fudgesicles."
"Two."
"Four."
"Three."
"Deal! Universal reset commencing in three..."
"M-miss Ayasugi, can I ask you something?"
"Yes Mr. Watanabe?"
"...two..."
Excel and Ilpala weren't saying anything due to the fact that they were currently engaged in a passionate make-out session in the women's bathroom.
"...one..."
"W-would you consider going out on a date with m-"
"Universal reset!"
"ARTIKGATO!!" Excel whined. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!"
"Tough! Be patient, will you?!"
Watanabe, meanwhile, just cried silently as the universe reset itself and everyone forgot what had just happened.
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"Come on, didn't I tell you to drop the formalities and call me Misaki?" she requested.
"Okay...umm...Misaki?" Hyatt replied, unsurely.
"Can I call you 'lover'?" Iwata asked.
Misaki, yet again, violently axemurdered Iwata.
"DAMMIT!! Somebody PLEASE get that frickin' axe away from that crazy psychopathic (insert cuss word here) and Will-chan, reset the story again please?!"
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"Hey guys!" Excel exclaimed, as she and Ilpala walked up to the table, still arm-in-arm. Well, Excel actually floated up to the table, so great was her joy.
"Oh, hey Excel! Who's this?" Misaki asked. Hyatt smiled knowingly.
"Am I to assume this is Mr. Ilpalazzo?" she asked. Excel nodded happily.
"Oh, so this is the famous Ilpala?" Misaki asked.
"I guess I'm famous around here, huh?" Ilpala asked, breaking his arm link with Excel to scratch his head, nervously.
"Well...kinda. We've heard quite a bit about you from Excel, though," Misaki replied. Excel turned red and made violent 'I'm gonna beat your head in with a sledgehammer if you don't shut up!' motions. Misaki nodded and decided that there was a time for teasing and a time for silence.
Excel and Ilpalazzo sat down, but before they could order any food, they were interrupted by a strum of an electric guitar. Everyone looked up to see the strange blonde-haired man with red-leather straps for a "shirt" and pants with no backs standing on a table with electric guitar in hand. Before he could begin playing his song, a squadron of security guards ran in and rushed at him. He panicked and jumped off of the table, running off through the crowd and evading the security guards. Everyone sweatdropped and looked puzzled. Misaki and Excel looked ecstatic.
"It was that hot guitar player!" Misaki exclaimed. Excel nodded. Ilpala scowled.
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The next day began much like the last, Excel screaming at the top of her lungs, holding a bucket of water over her head, trying to wake Hyatt up. The girls prepared to go to their fourth class, Music Appreciation, while Misaki set off for her Math class. After quite a bit of desperate searching, Excel and Hyatt had no luck finding their class, but thankfully, they again ran into Ilpalazzo.
"Thank you for walking us to our class, Mr. Ilpala," Hyatt said, as she, Excel and Ilpala reached the door marked Æ77 (the room numbers just keep getting weirder and weirder, don't they?).
"No trouble," Ilpala replied.
"I'm glad we have a class together, Hatchan! Music appreciation...it should be pretty boring..."
"Well, I'd best be off. I have a business class. I'll see you later, Excel!" he said as he left. As soon as he was out of earshot, Excel let out an earpiercing shriek that would have made any NORMAL person axemurder her on the spot (and several random bystanders were sorely tempted), but only made Hyatt SMILE. She jumped around for joy.
"Hyatt! Did you hear that? He said he'd see me again! He's practically asking me out!!" she exclaimed, bouncing off of the walls and ceiling. Hyatt's smile broadened.
"I'm so happy for you, Excel! Ilpala is certainly very handsome, and-"
Hyatt was cut off by a vengeful, raging Excel with an aura of dark flames and a giant mace in her hands.
"Don't think I won't KILL you if you so much as-"
"No, no, I would never think of doing something like that, Excel! I was just saying, he's very handsome and you're lucky to have him," Hyatt replied, completely unfazed by the mace-weilding Yami Excel, as if things like this happened to Excel all of the time (which they probably did, actually).