Chapter 2
An Unexpected Party
If you have ever read The Hobbit, you should know perfectly well what hobbits are. So here's a basic summary for those of you who haven't used your common sense and read the aforementioned book. A hobbit is a fat midget with hairy feet which is kind of gross if you think about it. I'm so glad that I don't have hairy feet. I can't imagine having to shampoo my feet. Of course, they would smell better, but that's just weird.
Back to the subject. Bilbo Baggins lived in a nice, cozy hole in the ground. It was even decorated pretty. Bilbo was very respected and boring. So was the rest of his family on his father's side. Basically, he was this nerdy little "scaredy-hobbit" who came from a family of nerdy little "scaredy-hobbits". Yet he was very well respected like all stupid boring people.
However boring Bilbo and his family from his father's side were Bilbo's mother was the opposite. Belladonna Took was from a family of very cool (yet empty-headed) hobbits who were nowhere near as respected as the Bagginses. That was simply because the Tooks were inclined to take adventures. So basically hobbits respected other boring hobbits. Bilbo wasn't very much like his mother.
So anyway this really cool wizard dude by the name of Gandalf came up and knocked on the door. Bilbo is all like, "Good morning," even though he had no idea who the heck Gandalf was.
Then Gandalf was all like, "Do you mean that you wish me a good morning? Or that it is a good morning whether I care enough to think it so or not? Or that you feel good this morning? Or that it is a morning to be good upon?" Gandalf was SO good at befuddling people. And Bilbo was certainly befuddled. That wasn't the normal response.
"All of them at once," Bilbo said just because he was too well respected to stand there all day and think of what the wizard meant. "And it's a good morning for you and me to smoke . . . stuff outside. If you have a pipe with you, we can both get high!" So Bilbo sat down and proceeded to get high off some "weeds" from his garden. Gandalf watched as the high hobbit blew smoke rings.
"Ooooh! Pretty," said Gandalf, attempting not to get high. "But I'm a little busy this morning. I'm looking for somebody to go on a highly dangerous adventure that I'm arranging, and it's very hard to find anyone high or stupid enough to-"
"I should think not. People in these parts don't answer the door when they're high. And stupid hobbits are across the river. Besides adventures suck. I heard there might actually shortages of FOOD!" Gandalf wondered why he had ever thought that he could get a boring Baggins to go on a fun adventure with smelly old dwarves. "Good morning! And goodbye!" Bilbo was quite finished with this weirdo.
"You sure use 'Good morning' to express a lot of things. "Now you mean that you want me to leave."
"No, I don't," Bilbo lied. He hated it when weirdoes were right. "What's your name?"
"You're Bilbo Baggins, and I'm Gandalf."
"You mean you're THE Gandalf? DUDE!!!!!!!!!" Basically Bilbo nearly wet himself in excitement.
"Yes, THAT Gandalf. And you get the joy of coming on one of my adventures," Gandalf explained.
"Well, I hate adventures, so bye! But come to tea tomorrow. My treat!" Bilbo called as he slammed his front door behind himself. Then, saying to himself, "Why the heck did I have to invite him to tea?" He promptly forgot that Gandalf existed. Hobbits have bad memories.
~*~THE NEXT DAY~*~
Bilbo had just remembered that somebody was coming to tea that day, when a loud ring came from the door bell. Bilbo answered the door saying, "I am so sorry to keep you waiting." However it wasn't Gandalf. It was a dwarf.
"Dwalin at your service!" said the dwarf hanging his dark green hood on a peg by the door.
Bilbo had no idea what was going on, but what he did know was that he should be polite. "Bilbo Baggins at yours! I am just about to have some tea. Do you want to come and have some with me?" The dwarf did.
~*~MANY RINGING DOORBELLS AND RUSHING ABOUTS LATER~*~
Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur (all dwarves of course) had already arrived and a great many "at your service"'s had been heard.
Gandalf and Thorin (yet another dwarf) arrived last and they continued to eat and drink. Afterwards, the dwarves cleaned up singing,
Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
Blunt the knives and bend the forks!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates-
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!
Cut the cloth and tread on fat!
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!
Splash the wine on every door!
Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
And when you've finished, if any are whole,
Send them down the hall to roll!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
So, carefully! Carefully with the plates!
They didn't do any of these things, but they certainly scared Bilbo who rushed about telling them to be careful and that they really didn't have to do this. Afterwards they smoked and blew some more smoke rings. Then when it was dark and spooky enough, the dwarves sang hauntingly,
For over misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away ere break of day
To seek the pale enchanted gold.
The dwarves of yore made mighty spells,
While hammers fell like ringing bells
In places deep, where dark things sleep,
In hollow halls beneath the fells.
For ancient king and elvish lord
There many a gleaming golden hoard
They shaped and wrought, and light they caught
To hide in gems on hilt of sword.
On silver necklaces they strung
The flowering stars, on crowns they hung
The dragon-fire, in twisted wire
They meshed the light of moon and sun.
For over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To claim our long-forgotten gold.
Goblets they carved there for themselves
And harps of gold; where no man delves
There lay they long, and many a song
Was sung unheard by men or elves.
The pines were roaring on the height,
The winds were moaning in the night.
The fire was red, it flaming spread;
The trees like torches blazed with light.
The bells were ringing in the dale
And men looked up with faces pale;
The dragon's ire more fierce than fire
Laid low their towers and houses frail.
The mountain smoked beneath the moon;
The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom.
They fled their hall to dying fall
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon.
Far over misty mountains grim
To dungeons deep and caverns dim
We must away, ere break of day,
To win our harps of gold from him!
As they sang Bilbo's Tookish side had reign over his entire heart and mind. Sadly, his scaredy-hobbit side took over, and he began to think of either getting a lamp or pretending to so he could go and hide until the dwarves left.
"Where are you going?" inquired Thorin in a knowing voice.
"To get a lamp. It's kind of dark in here," explained/lied Bilbo.
"We like the dark. Dark for dark business!" said the dwarves. If Bilbo was disappointed, he didn't show it. They continued to talk throughout the evening. Gandalf gave Thorin a map and a key to the Lonely Mountain. Then they told Bilbo that he was going to be the burglar, but then Bilbo asked what the heck they were all talking about. After taking a while to explain everything to him (which I won't bother putting here, because you should have read the book :P) Gandalf and Thorin continued to talk about the map and key. Finally they went to bed.
DUDE!!!!!!! This is like my longest chapter ever! Thank you, J.R.R. Tolkein! You have saved my writing life! 1,383 words! And 4 pages!
An Unexpected Party
If you have ever read The Hobbit, you should know perfectly well what hobbits are. So here's a basic summary for those of you who haven't used your common sense and read the aforementioned book. A hobbit is a fat midget with hairy feet which is kind of gross if you think about it. I'm so glad that I don't have hairy feet. I can't imagine having to shampoo my feet. Of course, they would smell better, but that's just weird.
Back to the subject. Bilbo Baggins lived in a nice, cozy hole in the ground. It was even decorated pretty. Bilbo was very respected and boring. So was the rest of his family on his father's side. Basically, he was this nerdy little "scaredy-hobbit" who came from a family of nerdy little "scaredy-hobbits". Yet he was very well respected like all stupid boring people.
However boring Bilbo and his family from his father's side were Bilbo's mother was the opposite. Belladonna Took was from a family of very cool (yet empty-headed) hobbits who were nowhere near as respected as the Bagginses. That was simply because the Tooks were inclined to take adventures. So basically hobbits respected other boring hobbits. Bilbo wasn't very much like his mother.
So anyway this really cool wizard dude by the name of Gandalf came up and knocked on the door. Bilbo is all like, "Good morning," even though he had no idea who the heck Gandalf was.
Then Gandalf was all like, "Do you mean that you wish me a good morning? Or that it is a good morning whether I care enough to think it so or not? Or that you feel good this morning? Or that it is a morning to be good upon?" Gandalf was SO good at befuddling people. And Bilbo was certainly befuddled. That wasn't the normal response.
"All of them at once," Bilbo said just because he was too well respected to stand there all day and think of what the wizard meant. "And it's a good morning for you and me to smoke . . . stuff outside. If you have a pipe with you, we can both get high!" So Bilbo sat down and proceeded to get high off some "weeds" from his garden. Gandalf watched as the high hobbit blew smoke rings.
"Ooooh! Pretty," said Gandalf, attempting not to get high. "But I'm a little busy this morning. I'm looking for somebody to go on a highly dangerous adventure that I'm arranging, and it's very hard to find anyone high or stupid enough to-"
"I should think not. People in these parts don't answer the door when they're high. And stupid hobbits are across the river. Besides adventures suck. I heard there might actually shortages of FOOD!" Gandalf wondered why he had ever thought that he could get a boring Baggins to go on a fun adventure with smelly old dwarves. "Good morning! And goodbye!" Bilbo was quite finished with this weirdo.
"You sure use 'Good morning' to express a lot of things. "Now you mean that you want me to leave."
"No, I don't," Bilbo lied. He hated it when weirdoes were right. "What's your name?"
"You're Bilbo Baggins, and I'm Gandalf."
"You mean you're THE Gandalf? DUDE!!!!!!!!!" Basically Bilbo nearly wet himself in excitement.
"Yes, THAT Gandalf. And you get the joy of coming on one of my adventures," Gandalf explained.
"Well, I hate adventures, so bye! But come to tea tomorrow. My treat!" Bilbo called as he slammed his front door behind himself. Then, saying to himself, "Why the heck did I have to invite him to tea?" He promptly forgot that Gandalf existed. Hobbits have bad memories.
~*~THE NEXT DAY~*~
Bilbo had just remembered that somebody was coming to tea that day, when a loud ring came from the door bell. Bilbo answered the door saying, "I am so sorry to keep you waiting." However it wasn't Gandalf. It was a dwarf.
"Dwalin at your service!" said the dwarf hanging his dark green hood on a peg by the door.
Bilbo had no idea what was going on, but what he did know was that he should be polite. "Bilbo Baggins at yours! I am just about to have some tea. Do you want to come and have some with me?" The dwarf did.
~*~MANY RINGING DOORBELLS AND RUSHING ABOUTS LATER~*~
Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur (all dwarves of course) had already arrived and a great many "at your service"'s had been heard.
Gandalf and Thorin (yet another dwarf) arrived last and they continued to eat and drink. Afterwards, the dwarves cleaned up singing,
Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
Blunt the knives and bend the forks!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates-
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!
Cut the cloth and tread on fat!
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!
Splash the wine on every door!
Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
And when you've finished, if any are whole,
Send them down the hall to roll!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
So, carefully! Carefully with the plates!
They didn't do any of these things, but they certainly scared Bilbo who rushed about telling them to be careful and that they really didn't have to do this. Afterwards they smoked and blew some more smoke rings. Then when it was dark and spooky enough, the dwarves sang hauntingly,
For over misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away ere break of day
To seek the pale enchanted gold.
The dwarves of yore made mighty spells,
While hammers fell like ringing bells
In places deep, where dark things sleep,
In hollow halls beneath the fells.
For ancient king and elvish lord
There many a gleaming golden hoard
They shaped and wrought, and light they caught
To hide in gems on hilt of sword.
On silver necklaces they strung
The flowering stars, on crowns they hung
The dragon-fire, in twisted wire
They meshed the light of moon and sun.
For over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To claim our long-forgotten gold.
Goblets they carved there for themselves
And harps of gold; where no man delves
There lay they long, and many a song
Was sung unheard by men or elves.
The pines were roaring on the height,
The winds were moaning in the night.
The fire was red, it flaming spread;
The trees like torches blazed with light.
The bells were ringing in the dale
And men looked up with faces pale;
The dragon's ire more fierce than fire
Laid low their towers and houses frail.
The mountain smoked beneath the moon;
The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom.
They fled their hall to dying fall
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon.
Far over misty mountains grim
To dungeons deep and caverns dim
We must away, ere break of day,
To win our harps of gold from him!
As they sang Bilbo's Tookish side had reign over his entire heart and mind. Sadly, his scaredy-hobbit side took over, and he began to think of either getting a lamp or pretending to so he could go and hide until the dwarves left.
"Where are you going?" inquired Thorin in a knowing voice.
"To get a lamp. It's kind of dark in here," explained/lied Bilbo.
"We like the dark. Dark for dark business!" said the dwarves. If Bilbo was disappointed, he didn't show it. They continued to talk throughout the evening. Gandalf gave Thorin a map and a key to the Lonely Mountain. Then they told Bilbo that he was going to be the burglar, but then Bilbo asked what the heck they were all talking about. After taking a while to explain everything to him (which I won't bother putting here, because you should have read the book :P) Gandalf and Thorin continued to talk about the map and key. Finally they went to bed.
DUDE!!!!!!! This is like my longest chapter ever! Thank you, J.R.R. Tolkein! You have saved my writing life! 1,383 words! And 4 pages!