Chapter 4
Roast Mutton and a Rude Awakening
When we last heard from Bilbo, he was sleeping. The next morning he had rather a rude awakening.
"Boo!" Monkey yelled loudly. Turtle, Tigris, Doctress, Tibby, Paprika, Nora, Pantoof, Kim, Monkey, Aria, Stella, Turtle-Bot, Rhee, and Penguin had been waiting for Bilbo to wake up for hours.
Bilbo screamed. He wasn't used to so many strange visitors three days in a row.
"That's not a very nice thing to say to Queens," Turtle said.
"We've been sent as representatives of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Queens. You probably haven't heard of us, but we help in expeditions like yours," explained Paprika.
"I'm Turtle, Queen of Freece and Supreme Ruler of Happy Frogs," said Turtle. "And you, my dear friend, are going to be late if we waste anymore time talking. You are supposed to meet the dwarves at the Green Dragon Inn at 11 a.m. We'll meet you there. Hurry or you'll be late!" Thus saying, she drew the hood of her cloak so that it made her face seem to be just a shadow. "Goodbye, little hobbit." She walked out of the room and onto the road outside Bilbo's house. Everyone except Bilbo followed.
"Do you think we should let him take our shortcut?" Doctress asked.
"No. He might tell other people here about portals. Then, our secret will be gone. Being a hobbit, he wouldn't realize that," Turtle answered. "Do you have any smoke bombs?"
"Do I ever not have something that has a fuse to light?"
"Nope. Any with glitter?"
"Yep."
"Good. I feel like making our disappearing act look pretty today," said Turtle opening a portal to the road in front of the Green Dragon Inn. Doctress threw a lighted smoke bomb in both the area they were leaving and the area they were going to. They all went through the portal hurriedly.
~*~AT THE GREEN DRAGON INN~*~
The girls walked into the inn and quickly found the table where the dwarves and Gandalf were sitting. They sat down, and Turtle drew back her hood. "Hello, everyone. Where's Bilbo? He should be here by now. It's almost 11."
"Who knows?" Balin answered. "He'll probably scrape in here just at 11." And right he was, for just as the clock struck 11 o'clock, Bilbo ran in the door.
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If you don't mind, I'm going to take a break, so that I can do something other than write for a while. I've written enough for one day.
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I'm back! *silence* I know you're happy, so you can applaud now. *continued silence* Fine, then! Here's the story.
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"Bravo! You may be good for something after all," said Turtle who had been waiting and was not fond of giving compliments. The dwarves, the girls, and Gandalf rose. They were laden with baggage. A pony was there for each of the dwarves and Bilbo. Gandalf had a horse. The girls had enough intelligence to have left their giant rodents in the forest on the edge of the Shire.
"I'm awfully sorry," said Bilbo ignoring her slightly rude comment, "but I have come without my hat, and I have left my pocket-handkerchief behind, and I haven't got any mon-"
"Can it, Stuffy!" interrupted Turtle who wasn't fond of listening to people make excuses either.
"I beg your pardon!" Bilbo had never been told to "can it", whatever that meant, much less had he ever been called "Stuffy".
"Let me rephrase: Be quiet, O Insult to the Name of Took!" Turtle wasn't very good at being polite. Of course, she wasn't trying very hard either, so that could be the reason for her constant straightforwardness (also known as rudeness).
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I'm leaving yall again. Sorry, but it's my bedtime. Accursed time when I must go and pretend to sleep until I finally submit to insomnia! Oh, well.
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I'm back! Again! I just finished rereading a depressing story about vampires, so that might accidentally warp this part of the story. Good luck, O faithful readers who should review every single chapter (hint, hint).
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Bilbo didn't know what to say, so he did what Turtle said and was silent. "Thank you," Turtle said quietly. "Now we are going to get on these ponies and ride in the vague direction of the Misty Mountains. And when I say we, I mean all of us. Maybe we should introduce ourselves. As I said when we last saw each other, I am Turtle, Queen of Freece, Supreme Ruler of Happy Frogs, etc."
"I'm Doctress, a deranged explosives expert." Doctress liked things quick and straight to the point.
"I'm Tibby, O dork." Tibby was popular. She couldn't be seen being nice to a midget with hairy feet.
I am Tigris, mortal. You might have heard of me. I am one of the descendants of Tagri, killer of goblins and other stupid creatures. Bow down and grovel at my toes. Tigris was, as always, merciless. Bilbo was a stupid creature and groveled at Tigris' paws. He had never heard of Tagri, but didn't want to get killed for being a stupid creature.
"AHEM!" Everyone stared at FOO!. "I am FOO!, sole worshipper of Monkey, Queen of Insanity and Supreme Ruler of Clicky Pens."
"I'm Horse," said Horse.
"She's the only one here with enough common sense to keep quiet," explained Turtle. "The rest of us act like eccentric people around strangers."
"I am Paprika, Queen of Carmenia. It's a pleasure to meet you," said Paprika politely.
"Give me a K!" Kim was as always playing her part with enthusiasm.
"K!" Tibby and Nancy were waving pom-poms.
"Give me an I!"
"Not this again . . ." muttered Turtle as Tibby and Nancy yelled "I!" stupidly.
"Give me an M!"
"This sounds a lot like Wheel of Fortune," said FOO!. "Next thing you know Kim will be buying vowels."
"M!" Tibby and Nancy could never get tired of being preps.
"What's that spell?"
"Notice she asked that. She doesn't even know how to spell her own name," Turtle said cynically as one of Kim's projectile pom-poms hit her in the head. "KIM!"
"Whoo!" yelled all the preppy cheerleader people.
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Well, I've got to go get some antiseptic for my head from which blood is gushing. Who would think that pom-poms were that sharp? It's just like that time my cousin got stitches from a projectile Cocoa-Puff.
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Hello. I'm currently pretending to get up and get ready for school, but I've got 2 hours before school starts anyway, so who cares?
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"If we weren't all immortal, I would SO kill you." Turtle was as always cynical and straight to the point. A portal opened with Giraffe's head in it who said, "Till you die!" Kim simply continued cheering.
"Um, I'm Nancy, and I believe that preps should have free reign of all of the stores in the worlds," said Nancy whom everyone stared at.
"I'm Rhee, and I'm suicidal!" said Rhee. Everyone stared at Rhee. "What?" Rhee was so much like Monkey it was almost scary.
I am Aria, the monkey of insanity, said Aria. Stella continued, and I'm Stella, Aria's alternate personality.
"We're bringing strange animals on this trip?" Bilbo asked.
I may be strange, mortal, but you would be wise to never say the word animal around me. Tigris was as always attempting to start a cult centered on herself. We are much better than your simple livestock. We are royalty. You're not, so you must continue to grovel at my paws, O stupid one. Bilbo, as foolish things are prone to do, groveled at Tigris' furry toes once again.
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Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go paint my nails purple, and if you do mind, then I'm going to paint them purple with many colors of glitter!
Damn you, Tibby!
That's not a very nice thing to say.
You stole my line.
So friggin' what!
Fiend! Oh, well. I like purple with many colors of glitter . . .
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So the nail polish didn't work out!
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"Now, we had better at least begin to begin our adventure thing," said Turtle. "We'll stay with you until the end of this chapter, but after that we're going back to our previous business."
"OK, then." And Gandalf thought he was in charge.
"Onward!" said Turtle pointing in the vague direction of where they were going with her left arm.
"To stardom!" said Paprika pointing with her right. Everyone stared. Turtle just grinned evilly. At that point, they started off on their happy little journey thing.
~*~THREE HOURS LATER~*~
"Are we there yet?" asked FOO! who, like her idol, was extremely impatient.
"NO!!!!!!!!" yelled everyone except Monkey who simply asked, "Are we?" As she said so, she turned her head away from where she was going and walked into a low-hanging branch.
Turtle walked up to where Monkey was lying. "She's out cold which inconveniently poses the problem of how to get her through a portal into Book 2. Bilbo, there's a fire down there. Go burgle or something." Thus saying, she complacently pushed him down the conveniently placed downward sloping hill. He rolled about a hundred feet down, and landed in a shrubbery.
"YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE KILLED MY SHRUBBERY!" screamed a knight that says Nee.
"Who the something or other are you?!" asked Bilbo that doesn't say Nee.
"I am a knight that says Nee. Succumb to my wrath!" yelled the knight. He complacently said Nee several times, but when Bilbo didn't react, he said sullenly, "Sorry. I must be in the wrong movie/book/production of some sort. Farewell, short and fat being that doesn't say Nee!" Then, he walked away.
"Now, to find that fire and put it out," said Bilbo stupidly. He began walking in what was apparently the vague direction of the fire.
~*~MEANWHILE~*~
Turtle was writing quickly in a small black notebook without any lines. Either she had a crazy plan or she had just been inspired enough to write something.
"Whatcha writin'?" asked FOO!
"A song. Do you think the band would like it?"
"Sure, but you should probably write some music to go with it."
"Yeah, but I don't know many chords on the guitar yet. And where am I going to learn to write music for a clarinet. Or a flute. Or both."
"Maybe Horse and Paprika could write their own music."
"Maybe. But it's not really a drum song. Maybe Monkey could play the drums really, really slow."
"Just one thing: Since when did you start writing songs?"
"Technically, since Sixth grade. Untechnically, since last week."
"Oh. Well, at least you don't write songs about sex."
"No, I'd have to be popular to do that," said Turtle grinning evilly. FOO! walked away while giggling hysterically.
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I just woke up, so I'm going to go and eat a cinnamon roll before I get writers' block. I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until the end of Part 1 to read the song. ; )
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Buenos días. I'm going to continue the story now.
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~*~MEANWHILE~*~ (pronounced mean-why-lee)
"I am SO friggin' sick of mutton!" Bert the troll was sick of mutton.
"Mutton today, mutton yesterday, and blimey if it ain't lookin' like mutton tomorrow!" Tom was practicing sarcasm.
"William, you're an idiot to bring us out here! Even the beer's runnin' out!" Bert was simply telling the truth. Tom was simply amazed at the shortage of beer.
"Shut yer trap, both of ya!" yelled William. They had been doing this for hours. "I think I hear something." He didn't really. He just thought it would shut them up. Of course the fact that at that moment Bilbo came running towards the fire was just an added bonus.
"There's that fire! Now to find some water," said Bilbo completely not noticing the gigantic trolls that suddenly picked him up.
~*~MEANWHILE WITH THE OTHERS~*~
The others were singing karaoke to get Monkey to wake up.
"And so I learned to get along,
"And so you're back
"From outer space
"Da da da da da da da da. . . Damn!" They had all forgotten the rest of the words.
Turtle decided to take matters into her own hands. "Monkey! If you don't wake up right now, I'm going to dye my hair lime green!" Then to the others, "I've always wanted to do this." Seeing as Monkey didn't wake up, Turtle used her magical powers to turn her hair lime green. "Whoa. She still didn't get up. Oh, well, I've got a better idea. Penguin, 21." Penguin grinned.
"I'm up! I'm up!" yelled Monkey getting up drowsily. "Why'd you have to wake me up? I was having a lovely dream."
"Was it about stabbing a fluffy pink bunny repeatedly?" Turtle hated fluffy pink bunnies. They were EAVILL! (and doom) little rats with furry butts! Not to mention the flat-out pink-ness!
"Not exactly. It was about killing a fluffy pink bunny with a tree branch," said Monkey, not seeing the irony of it all. "Where's Bilbo?"
"I don't know. Ask the old wizardly dude." Turtle didn't know. She just wanted to point out that he wasn't there.
"Gandalf! I already told you I didn't want to play hide and seek!" yelled Dwalin.
"Damn," muttered Gandalf stepping out from behind an obvious place behind a tree that no one but a wizard would be able to hide behind.
Stupid wizardly powers! Why do they get powers? They're just stupid "wise" old dudes. Notice there aren't any wizardly dudettes. That's just weird. And all the wizards seem to find something wrong with waiting to tell all their stupid titles. They can't just wait for a time to do a perfect speech in front of a bunch of stupid people who they've never met before. And they're all Somebody the Random Color. Next thing you know, we'll all be reading about how Ishnak the Mauve killed Grackle the Fuchsia, because Grackle said that mauve is a girly color. Now I'm going to have to go back to the story, because I've run out of things to rant and rave about. :P
"SO! Where's Bilbo?" asked Horse. She was always getting everyone back on topic.
"I don't know. Maybe we should go look for him," suggested Gandalf the (Pink? Purple? Fuchsia? Lime green?) Gray. (Why gray? Gray's a stupid color!) (Well, it wasn't my idea for him to be GRAY of all colors!) (Well, sorry!)
"One at a time!" suggested Monkey. Gandalf pouted. She had taken his stupid idea.
"I don't know why, but I have a bad feeling about this. Therefore, I am SO coming with yall!" Turtle really felt like hurting something. Nobody had paid attention to her hair.
"Sounds like a plan," said Horse attempting to finalize the idea.
"You're right, but it's the insanity that counts." Turtle loved the fact that all the good plans they could come up with were at least partially insane. Horse, however, had common sense and saw that they were eccentric, not insane, but decided not to burst their happy little bubble of eccentricity/insanity/whatever. Turtle had realized the same thing, but due to years of brainwashing (a.k.a. school) had not bothered to tell anybody. And she didn't want to make Monkey queen of eccentricity. Then where would she get a title for this story? "Well, I hate to break it to you little bearded dudes and tall really, really old dude and little non- bearded dude who isn't here, but we gotta go take care of some Quinopian government business. So basically, bye little dudes and really, really old tall dude." Turtle was so glad those midget losers weren't coming to the Frecian Independence Day Ball. If they came, what would be the point in Monkey spiking the punch? The midget dudes' smell would sober everybody up real quick. Thus saying she opened a portal to Freece. "Periwinkle to you all and farewell!" I love the word "periwinkle". It's so fun to say. Periwinkle! Periwinkle periwinkle periwinkle periwinkle . . .In case you don't know, periwinkle is a color, namely my second favorite color. Turtle, Doctress, Tibby, Tigris, Monkey, Turtle-Bot, Rhee, Aria, Stella, Paprika, Nora, Kim, Pantoof, Penguin, Horse, Nancy, and FOO! rode their giant mice and squirrels through the portal. Then Turtle closed the portal behind them.
All the dwarves and Gandalf the Gray-haired cheered. (I thought it was just Gray.) (Shut up!) (Fine then!) Turtle appeared through another portal and said, "I'm watching you. Each and every one of you bearded people. So shut up! Then she left.
~*~IN FREECE~*~
"Now to go and invite a few pirates to the ball. Wouldn't want the stuffy prunes to take over." Turtle was as always planning to be mean to prunes.
Now go read Chapter 10 of Book 2. Isn't confusing people fun? (
Roast Mutton and a Rude Awakening
When we last heard from Bilbo, he was sleeping. The next morning he had rather a rude awakening.
"Boo!" Monkey yelled loudly. Turtle, Tigris, Doctress, Tibby, Paprika, Nora, Pantoof, Kim, Monkey, Aria, Stella, Turtle-Bot, Rhee, and Penguin had been waiting for Bilbo to wake up for hours.
Bilbo screamed. He wasn't used to so many strange visitors three days in a row.
"That's not a very nice thing to say to Queens," Turtle said.
"We've been sent as representatives of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Queens. You probably haven't heard of us, but we help in expeditions like yours," explained Paprika.
"I'm Turtle, Queen of Freece and Supreme Ruler of Happy Frogs," said Turtle. "And you, my dear friend, are going to be late if we waste anymore time talking. You are supposed to meet the dwarves at the Green Dragon Inn at 11 a.m. We'll meet you there. Hurry or you'll be late!" Thus saying, she drew the hood of her cloak so that it made her face seem to be just a shadow. "Goodbye, little hobbit." She walked out of the room and onto the road outside Bilbo's house. Everyone except Bilbo followed.
"Do you think we should let him take our shortcut?" Doctress asked.
"No. He might tell other people here about portals. Then, our secret will be gone. Being a hobbit, he wouldn't realize that," Turtle answered. "Do you have any smoke bombs?"
"Do I ever not have something that has a fuse to light?"
"Nope. Any with glitter?"
"Yep."
"Good. I feel like making our disappearing act look pretty today," said Turtle opening a portal to the road in front of the Green Dragon Inn. Doctress threw a lighted smoke bomb in both the area they were leaving and the area they were going to. They all went through the portal hurriedly.
~*~AT THE GREEN DRAGON INN~*~
The girls walked into the inn and quickly found the table where the dwarves and Gandalf were sitting. They sat down, and Turtle drew back her hood. "Hello, everyone. Where's Bilbo? He should be here by now. It's almost 11."
"Who knows?" Balin answered. "He'll probably scrape in here just at 11." And right he was, for just as the clock struck 11 o'clock, Bilbo ran in the door.
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If you don't mind, I'm going to take a break, so that I can do something other than write for a while. I've written enough for one day.
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I'm back! *silence* I know you're happy, so you can applaud now. *continued silence* Fine, then! Here's the story.
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"Bravo! You may be good for something after all," said Turtle who had been waiting and was not fond of giving compliments. The dwarves, the girls, and Gandalf rose. They were laden with baggage. A pony was there for each of the dwarves and Bilbo. Gandalf had a horse. The girls had enough intelligence to have left their giant rodents in the forest on the edge of the Shire.
"I'm awfully sorry," said Bilbo ignoring her slightly rude comment, "but I have come without my hat, and I have left my pocket-handkerchief behind, and I haven't got any mon-"
"Can it, Stuffy!" interrupted Turtle who wasn't fond of listening to people make excuses either.
"I beg your pardon!" Bilbo had never been told to "can it", whatever that meant, much less had he ever been called "Stuffy".
"Let me rephrase: Be quiet, O Insult to the Name of Took!" Turtle wasn't very good at being polite. Of course, she wasn't trying very hard either, so that could be the reason for her constant straightforwardness (also known as rudeness).
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I'm leaving yall again. Sorry, but it's my bedtime. Accursed time when I must go and pretend to sleep until I finally submit to insomnia! Oh, well.
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I'm back! Again! I just finished rereading a depressing story about vampires, so that might accidentally warp this part of the story. Good luck, O faithful readers who should review every single chapter (hint, hint).
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Bilbo didn't know what to say, so he did what Turtle said and was silent. "Thank you," Turtle said quietly. "Now we are going to get on these ponies and ride in the vague direction of the Misty Mountains. And when I say we, I mean all of us. Maybe we should introduce ourselves. As I said when we last saw each other, I am Turtle, Queen of Freece, Supreme Ruler of Happy Frogs, etc."
"I'm Doctress, a deranged explosives expert." Doctress liked things quick and straight to the point.
"I'm Tibby, O dork." Tibby was popular. She couldn't be seen being nice to a midget with hairy feet.
I am Tigris, mortal. You might have heard of me. I am one of the descendants of Tagri, killer of goblins and other stupid creatures. Bow down and grovel at my toes. Tigris was, as always, merciless. Bilbo was a stupid creature and groveled at Tigris' paws. He had never heard of Tagri, but didn't want to get killed for being a stupid creature.
"AHEM!" Everyone stared at FOO!. "I am FOO!, sole worshipper of Monkey, Queen of Insanity and Supreme Ruler of Clicky Pens."
"I'm Horse," said Horse.
"She's the only one here with enough common sense to keep quiet," explained Turtle. "The rest of us act like eccentric people around strangers."
"I am Paprika, Queen of Carmenia. It's a pleasure to meet you," said Paprika politely.
"Give me a K!" Kim was as always playing her part with enthusiasm.
"K!" Tibby and Nancy were waving pom-poms.
"Give me an I!"
"Not this again . . ." muttered Turtle as Tibby and Nancy yelled "I!" stupidly.
"Give me an M!"
"This sounds a lot like Wheel of Fortune," said FOO!. "Next thing you know Kim will be buying vowels."
"M!" Tibby and Nancy could never get tired of being preps.
"What's that spell?"
"Notice she asked that. She doesn't even know how to spell her own name," Turtle said cynically as one of Kim's projectile pom-poms hit her in the head. "KIM!"
"Whoo!" yelled all the preppy cheerleader people.
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Well, I've got to go get some antiseptic for my head from which blood is gushing. Who would think that pom-poms were that sharp? It's just like that time my cousin got stitches from a projectile Cocoa-Puff.
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Hello. I'm currently pretending to get up and get ready for school, but I've got 2 hours before school starts anyway, so who cares?
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"If we weren't all immortal, I would SO kill you." Turtle was as always cynical and straight to the point. A portal opened with Giraffe's head in it who said, "Till you die!" Kim simply continued cheering.
"Um, I'm Nancy, and I believe that preps should have free reign of all of the stores in the worlds," said Nancy whom everyone stared at.
"I'm Rhee, and I'm suicidal!" said Rhee. Everyone stared at Rhee. "What?" Rhee was so much like Monkey it was almost scary.
I am Aria, the monkey of insanity, said Aria. Stella continued, and I'm Stella, Aria's alternate personality.
"We're bringing strange animals on this trip?" Bilbo asked.
I may be strange, mortal, but you would be wise to never say the word animal around me. Tigris was as always attempting to start a cult centered on herself. We are much better than your simple livestock. We are royalty. You're not, so you must continue to grovel at my paws, O stupid one. Bilbo, as foolish things are prone to do, groveled at Tigris' furry toes once again.
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Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go paint my nails purple, and if you do mind, then I'm going to paint them purple with many colors of glitter!
Damn you, Tibby!
That's not a very nice thing to say.
You stole my line.
So friggin' what!
Fiend! Oh, well. I like purple with many colors of glitter . . .
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So the nail polish didn't work out!
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"Now, we had better at least begin to begin our adventure thing," said Turtle. "We'll stay with you until the end of this chapter, but after that we're going back to our previous business."
"OK, then." And Gandalf thought he was in charge.
"Onward!" said Turtle pointing in the vague direction of where they were going with her left arm.
"To stardom!" said Paprika pointing with her right. Everyone stared. Turtle just grinned evilly. At that point, they started off on their happy little journey thing.
~*~THREE HOURS LATER~*~
"Are we there yet?" asked FOO! who, like her idol, was extremely impatient.
"NO!!!!!!!!" yelled everyone except Monkey who simply asked, "Are we?" As she said so, she turned her head away from where she was going and walked into a low-hanging branch.
Turtle walked up to where Monkey was lying. "She's out cold which inconveniently poses the problem of how to get her through a portal into Book 2. Bilbo, there's a fire down there. Go burgle or something." Thus saying, she complacently pushed him down the conveniently placed downward sloping hill. He rolled about a hundred feet down, and landed in a shrubbery.
"YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE KILLED MY SHRUBBERY!" screamed a knight that says Nee.
"Who the something or other are you?!" asked Bilbo that doesn't say Nee.
"I am a knight that says Nee. Succumb to my wrath!" yelled the knight. He complacently said Nee several times, but when Bilbo didn't react, he said sullenly, "Sorry. I must be in the wrong movie/book/production of some sort. Farewell, short and fat being that doesn't say Nee!" Then, he walked away.
"Now, to find that fire and put it out," said Bilbo stupidly. He began walking in what was apparently the vague direction of the fire.
~*~MEANWHILE~*~
Turtle was writing quickly in a small black notebook without any lines. Either she had a crazy plan or she had just been inspired enough to write something.
"Whatcha writin'?" asked FOO!
"A song. Do you think the band would like it?"
"Sure, but you should probably write some music to go with it."
"Yeah, but I don't know many chords on the guitar yet. And where am I going to learn to write music for a clarinet. Or a flute. Or both."
"Maybe Horse and Paprika could write their own music."
"Maybe. But it's not really a drum song. Maybe Monkey could play the drums really, really slow."
"Just one thing: Since when did you start writing songs?"
"Technically, since Sixth grade. Untechnically, since last week."
"Oh. Well, at least you don't write songs about sex."
"No, I'd have to be popular to do that," said Turtle grinning evilly. FOO! walked away while giggling hysterically.
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I just woke up, so I'm going to go and eat a cinnamon roll before I get writers' block. I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until the end of Part 1 to read the song. ; )
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Buenos días. I'm going to continue the story now.
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~*~MEANWHILE~*~ (pronounced mean-why-lee)
"I am SO friggin' sick of mutton!" Bert the troll was sick of mutton.
"Mutton today, mutton yesterday, and blimey if it ain't lookin' like mutton tomorrow!" Tom was practicing sarcasm.
"William, you're an idiot to bring us out here! Even the beer's runnin' out!" Bert was simply telling the truth. Tom was simply amazed at the shortage of beer.
"Shut yer trap, both of ya!" yelled William. They had been doing this for hours. "I think I hear something." He didn't really. He just thought it would shut them up. Of course the fact that at that moment Bilbo came running towards the fire was just an added bonus.
"There's that fire! Now to find some water," said Bilbo completely not noticing the gigantic trolls that suddenly picked him up.
~*~MEANWHILE WITH THE OTHERS~*~
The others were singing karaoke to get Monkey to wake up.
"And so I learned to get along,
"And so you're back
"From outer space
"Da da da da da da da da. . . Damn!" They had all forgotten the rest of the words.
Turtle decided to take matters into her own hands. "Monkey! If you don't wake up right now, I'm going to dye my hair lime green!" Then to the others, "I've always wanted to do this." Seeing as Monkey didn't wake up, Turtle used her magical powers to turn her hair lime green. "Whoa. She still didn't get up. Oh, well, I've got a better idea. Penguin, 21." Penguin grinned.
"I'm up! I'm up!" yelled Monkey getting up drowsily. "Why'd you have to wake me up? I was having a lovely dream."
"Was it about stabbing a fluffy pink bunny repeatedly?" Turtle hated fluffy pink bunnies. They were EAVILL! (and doom) little rats with furry butts! Not to mention the flat-out pink-ness!
"Not exactly. It was about killing a fluffy pink bunny with a tree branch," said Monkey, not seeing the irony of it all. "Where's Bilbo?"
"I don't know. Ask the old wizardly dude." Turtle didn't know. She just wanted to point out that he wasn't there.
"Gandalf! I already told you I didn't want to play hide and seek!" yelled Dwalin.
"Damn," muttered Gandalf stepping out from behind an obvious place behind a tree that no one but a wizard would be able to hide behind.
Stupid wizardly powers! Why do they get powers? They're just stupid "wise" old dudes. Notice there aren't any wizardly dudettes. That's just weird. And all the wizards seem to find something wrong with waiting to tell all their stupid titles. They can't just wait for a time to do a perfect speech in front of a bunch of stupid people who they've never met before. And they're all Somebody the Random Color. Next thing you know, we'll all be reading about how Ishnak the Mauve killed Grackle the Fuchsia, because Grackle said that mauve is a girly color. Now I'm going to have to go back to the story, because I've run out of things to rant and rave about. :P
"SO! Where's Bilbo?" asked Horse. She was always getting everyone back on topic.
"I don't know. Maybe we should go look for him," suggested Gandalf the (Pink? Purple? Fuchsia? Lime green?) Gray. (Why gray? Gray's a stupid color!) (Well, it wasn't my idea for him to be GRAY of all colors!) (Well, sorry!)
"One at a time!" suggested Monkey. Gandalf pouted. She had taken his stupid idea.
"I don't know why, but I have a bad feeling about this. Therefore, I am SO coming with yall!" Turtle really felt like hurting something. Nobody had paid attention to her hair.
"Sounds like a plan," said Horse attempting to finalize the idea.
"You're right, but it's the insanity that counts." Turtle loved the fact that all the good plans they could come up with were at least partially insane. Horse, however, had common sense and saw that they were eccentric, not insane, but decided not to burst their happy little bubble of eccentricity/insanity/whatever. Turtle had realized the same thing, but due to years of brainwashing (a.k.a. school) had not bothered to tell anybody. And she didn't want to make Monkey queen of eccentricity. Then where would she get a title for this story? "Well, I hate to break it to you little bearded dudes and tall really, really old dude and little non- bearded dude who isn't here, but we gotta go take care of some Quinopian government business. So basically, bye little dudes and really, really old tall dude." Turtle was so glad those midget losers weren't coming to the Frecian Independence Day Ball. If they came, what would be the point in Monkey spiking the punch? The midget dudes' smell would sober everybody up real quick. Thus saying she opened a portal to Freece. "Periwinkle to you all and farewell!" I love the word "periwinkle". It's so fun to say. Periwinkle! Periwinkle periwinkle periwinkle periwinkle . . .In case you don't know, periwinkle is a color, namely my second favorite color. Turtle, Doctress, Tibby, Tigris, Monkey, Turtle-Bot, Rhee, Aria, Stella, Paprika, Nora, Kim, Pantoof, Penguin, Horse, Nancy, and FOO! rode their giant mice and squirrels through the portal. Then Turtle closed the portal behind them.
All the dwarves and Gandalf the Gray-haired cheered. (I thought it was just Gray.) (Shut up!) (Fine then!) Turtle appeared through another portal and said, "I'm watching you. Each and every one of you bearded people. So shut up! Then she left.
~*~IN FREECE~*~
"Now to go and invite a few pirates to the ball. Wouldn't want the stuffy prunes to take over." Turtle was as always planning to be mean to prunes.
Now go read Chapter 10 of Book 2. Isn't confusing people fun? (