One for the Band - Chapter Eighteen
'The Letting Go'
Sunlight played through the leaves of the palm trees, their shadows shivering against the concrete with the breeze that raked through the air. Beneath their shade, two boys ambled along the sidewalk, hand in hand. For them, time wasn't an issue. They had somewhere to be, something to do, but they weren't worried about it. They would get there in time and they would be there before it was too late.
"Riku..." The brunette started speaking first, swinging his arm back and forth, carrying Riku's hand with him, clasped in his own. "You never told me what happened."
"Hm?"
"Before I showed up at the competition that time, remember? You weren't worried were you?"
Riku couldn't help but just laugh at the stupid question, reaching his free hand over and ruffling the brown spikes of hair on Sora's head before letting his laughter trail down to a low chuckle. "Of course I was, you dork. I had no idea where you were. I mean, as far as any of us knew, you were completely alone in some completely alien place. ...Well... for you anyway." Riku smirked as he caught sight of Sora's pout from the corner of his eye. "All we could really do was hope you'd stay put until we got back to the train station after the competition.
"Quistis was being her usual cheery self, going on and on about how you'd purposely bailed out just because you were afraid. You know, her old stupid rant and everything." Riku sighed, looking at the crystal clear sky as he spoke. "Leon and Cloud were pretty much the only people who were able to not flip about it, but then again, they were the drum majors. I guess that's what they were supposed to do, huh?"
Sora nodded forcefully, their coupled arms swinging back and forth with the pace of their step. A passing thought caused Sora to just glance down at their feet, just for one moment. Grinning, Sora looked back up at the sky. Perfectly in step, absolutely in sync with one another, just as he'd thought.
"But the competition was nearly a month ago, Sora," Riku said, turning to look at the younger boy once again. Sora simply shrugged.
"I guess I just forgot to ask you, is all."
"Mm."
"...Hey Riku?"
"Hm?"
"I'm gonna miss them. Leon, Cloud, Paine... All the seniors. I mean, if you think about it, we're probably not gonna seen 'em again." It wasn't just the fact that he was going to miss the friendship the upperclassmen had had with him. It was also the fact that Sora was slowly beginning to realize that in another year, that would be Riku graduating. It would be Riku leaving and going to college saying goodbye to Sora and possibly never seeing him ever again...
No, that's stupid. Of course I'll see Riku again.
They were childish thoughts, so the only way Sora could think to calm himself down was to think childish reasoning. And the simplest way of looking at it and presenting it to himself was that he and Riku would always be friends. There just wouldn't be a way around it. That was just the way things were.
Riku and Sora reached the school several minutes later and were greeted by masses upon masses of people, all of them bustling towards the football stadium. Since the weather had taken pity on them after almost a week of rain earlier, the school had decided to host the graduation outside, setting up rows of chairs for the graduating class on the field and allowing parents, relatives, and other students that chose to come to sit in the bleachers.
As they fell in with the rest of the crowd, Sora found himself eagerly looking around for the black caps and gowns of the seniors, but they were nowhere in sight.
"They're going to walk on after we're all seated, Sora," Riku said, pulling the younger boy along with him so they didn't hold up the flow of bumbling grandparents who just wanted to see their sweet little grandchildren take one more step in growing up. Riku being who he was, he was able to smile and charm his way past a good chunk of the crowd, leading both him and Sora towards a relatively decent pair of seats on the far side of the stadium.
"This way we can hear the speakers better..." Another glance at Sora proved to Riku that the younger boy probably wasn't even listening that closely anymore. His eyes were still flitting from here to there, looking for any sign that the seniors would be heading out onto the field then.
He really is gonna miss them, huh?
"Hey, everyone. We all know who I am, so I'm just gonna skip that part... Let's see... We all know who you are, I'm gonna skip that part. We all know how people will say and continue to say that these are the best years of our lives and we all know how we'll continue to bicker with them about it for years to come, until we're finally old and cripple. Maybe then we'll know that they really were good times."
Shaking his head, hair flying about as a result, Sora's eyes snapped up to blink at Riku before he grinned. "Yeah, yeah, I'm here, I'm here. I was just waiting for you."
"Well if you wait much longer, we'll be late for gym. Blitzball today, you ready for it?"
"After four years of brutal and inhuman torture, we're finally done here. Yeah, lots of us have at least four more years to look at, but another thing we all know is that it's going to be different. We're not going to know everyone where we're going. We're not going to know everything like we do now, right?"
"Oooh, whatcha writing?"
Paine paused, the notebook half closed. Looking up at Sora, she again paused, probably once more asking herself if she should continue to just open up to Sora like she had been doing. It was ridiculously out of character for her, as far as Paine was concerned, but she realized that aside from personality, Sora had a lot in common with her. He'd even had the trust in her not to breathe a word of his love for Riku to anyone, and Paine had bestowed the same trust in him with her own feelings for Rikku.
"It's a song..."
"Hey, I didn't know you wrote music! What's it about? Can I read it?" Sora's blue eyes looked pleadingly down at Paine who scoffed in response.
"You don't read songs, Sora."
"...Oh. Right! ...You don't?"
"No. It's a song, you sing it."
Sora rocked back and forth on his heels. "But I can't sing. However, I can read, so can I read it then? Oh wait, can you sing, Paine?"
Paine narrowed her eyes and tossed the notebook at Sora. "Fine, you can read it."
"We probably won't spend too many more weekends waking up on Saturday morning and trudging downstairs, turning on the TV and watching Loony Toons or whatever. There might not be many more times we can tear up the rug on some dance floor, insisting that each and every song that comes out of the speakers is our song and that we're meant to dance to it. There might not ever be any more times like those in our lives."
"Don't you trust me, Sora?"
Sora's eyes widened, looking up at the half-masked "stranger." "R-Riku?" Sora honestly couldn't decide if this was the best or worst thing that could happen. Yes, it had been Riku he'd been dancing with, but he had also stopped dancing with that very same Riku. Gah! Stupid, stupid, stupid! But... Riku knew he was Sora. So then that meant...
"Keep going, Sora. You don't just stop dancing in the middle of a song."
"I'm not gonna stand up here and feed you all a bunch of junk about great we are and how we can be anything we want. We know that, too. We know the old routine about how we're not supposed to do drugs and how we're supposed to stand up for what we believe in, no matter what."
"Neeeh, whatever, whatever, whatever. Stoic bastard." Turning back to Sora, Cloud rolled his eyes in Leon's direction mockingly. "You get used to it after a while. Point is, just know that you're not totally alone out there, okay, Sora? Yeah, there's a lot of idiots on band, but there's also a lot of people cheering for you, Leon and I included!" Sora smiled up at Cloud and said the only thing he could think of.
"Thank you."
"We learned all this stuff back in elementary school. Maybe the only purpose middle school and high school served was to help us apply all those random little bits of knowledge until they were so drilled into our heads, there was no way they'd come out."
"Prove what?" Sora asked hesitantly.
"That you're not scared. Come on, Sora, you can't possibly be scared of having to prove you're not scared."
"I'm not!"
"Then what are you waiting for?"
"I'm not waiting."
"You're stalling."
"I'm not stalling!"
"You're doing it right now."
"Then stop talking!" In a haze of blind panic, Sora closed the small distance between then, bringing their lips together in one smooth, fluent motion.
"And maybe... Even though these are the best years of our lives and all that junk... maybe there are some things we regret, some things we couldn't do, that we would go back and change if we could. But the truth of the matter is this: we can't."
Leon's feet hit the sidewalk, but he didn't stop running. Everyone was on the bus, they were going to close the doors. And to add more evidence to Leon's growing belief that he was losing his mind, the only thing he could think of was the old little nursery rhyme.
Run, run, run as fast as you can...
Come on, Leon. Just a few more steps. That door won't close without you. Cloud won't leave without you because Cloud is always there. He will never leave.
"We can grow older and we can get to know everything else, but we will never know why everything turned out the way it did, for better or for worse. We can graduate and we can go out and do anything we want, but we will never be able to change what has already happened. But it happened for a reason."
"You really are a riot, Leon. I mean, wow. What a--" Cloud let out a shaky sigh, trying to regain control of his vocal chords. "Let me put it this way. 'Well it's tough to have a crush when the boy doesn't feel the same way you feel. Well it's tough to have a crush, when you're best friend breaks the news.'"
Leon frowned slightly, confused.
"Doesn't ring a bell, huh? Try thinking really, really hard, Leon, and maybe someday you'll get it. Maybe when you stop being the antisocial, stoic, icicle you are, maybe then you'll get it." Cloud was no longer making an effort to hold his tears back and they flowed freely in thin rivers down the sides of his cheeks, mixing together with the sweet rain water. "But I'm not always going to hang around and wait for you to get it."
"So in a few hours when you're talking to people on the phone who couldn't make it today and they want to know how graduation went, how school was... all of that. You can just tell them that you graduated knowing something, which you did. If you're like me, it's not everything you wanted, but it's something."
"How can you be so uncaring? All I've ever done is try to be fucking nice to you! So why do you hate me?" Inside his head, Cloud's own mind was laughing at him, sending out melodramatic warning signs by the boatload. Cloud was, however, far past caring what was or wasn't overly dramatic. He figured he'd been juggling all the self-restraint he could handle for the past three years...
"I don't hate you."
"And who knows. Maybe there will be another time when we can all hang out with our old friends and waste our Saturday nights away in front of a stereo and living on a dance floor. Every song you'll ever hear is our song, and really, this is only one of them that's ending."
He smiled then, a small smile that was more felt rather than it was seen. Cloud stepped away from the podium, looking out at the friends he'd made over the years, and in the split second before they stood up, he thought he'd never been happier.
"And with that, it's my honor to present to you... the class of 2004!" The principal somehow managed to make himself heard over the roar of the seniors, cheering and applauding Cloud's words, Cloud's simplicity, and the plain and simple fact that it was finally all over. The din was deafening, but no one cared.
It was really over.
x x x
"Sora!"
Sora flinched at the voice that reached his ears, suddenly afraid to turn around. The seniors were filtering out of the school one by one for the last time, giving the underclassmen their final farewells and taking a moment or two or bring closure to their high school days.
Quistis somehow seemed to deem it the opportune moment to break away from her string of friends and meander towards Riku and Sora, pointedly ignoring the vile look Riku was giving her as she approached. Her gaze was fully on Sora, a purpose was held in her stride, and really, if Sora hadn't held such a dislike for her, he would've said she looked impressive.
Like the rest of the senior class, Quistis was dressed in the loose-fitting black robes the school sold for graduates, her hair pulled into a loose bun at the nape of her neck. Gone were her slim glasses, replaced with contacts. Just as the glasses had disappeared, so had the look contempt she held whenever she set eyes upon Sora and Riku. Instead...
"I just wanna talk a minute, okay?"
"Oh. O-kaaay."
"You did good this year. In guard and everything."
Sora continued to gape at the girl as though she was speaking Latin. A very, very dead language.
"So anyway, just wanted to leave off and make sure there's no hard feelings or anything, 'kay?"
And though Sora was somehow aware of the fact that his mouth had dropped open, no words were managing to come out. Thankfully, Riku picked up the reins and took over. ...Though, really, he was just as stunned as Sora.
"But... you hated our guts," Riku stated numbly.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Quistis rolled her eyes dramatically, both hands flying to her hips and one foot beginning to tap impatiently against the parking lot of the school. "Hey, I just wanted to bring all this to a conclusion, got it?"
Both boys nodded in unison.
"So that's that."
Nod, nod, nod.
"Alright then, kids. See ya at Homecoming. Stay gold, huh?" And just like that, it was over. Sora and Riku stood stock still in the middle of the parking lot as Quistis strode past them to catch up with her own crowd, acting as though nothing remarkable or out-of-the-ordinary had taken place. And somehow, neither Sora nor Riku would've expected anything less.
"That was cool."
"Yeah." Sora grinned, an odd feeling of accomplishment settling over him as he looked up at Riku. "It was."
x x x
When I think about it... How many more times am I really gonna get to see this guy?
Music pulsed in the background, moving bodies and a din of voices being the only thing to pierce through the fog shrouded over Cloud's brain. Paine had been the one to suggest all of this, oddly enough. And the whole gang was all there, out on the dance floor at the Split Key.
And how many more times and I really going to be able to do this? Spend an entire night out having fun with all of my old friends...
Are they already 'old?'
Sora, Riku, and the rest of the underclassmen that had accompanied them had long since gone home, seeing as they all had finals to take the next morning. Summer was already well on its way, that fact only becoming more obvious as Cloud plopped down on the curb outside of the Split Key, resting his elbows on his knees, his chin in his clasped hands, and just simply giving himself a moment to think.
The year had gone by really fast. That was all there was to say. He'd always reassured himself by thinking 'It's okay, it's okay, I've got another day, another week, another month to do all these things. There's no hurry, none at all.' But here it was. This was their last official bang. It was all over after this. And he hadn't realized until that moment... there was a lot of truth in the words he'd spoken up at the podium that afternoon.
I'm gonna miss everyone... Damn, am I gonna miss them.
"It's sort of hits a bittersweet note, I guess."
Cloud's breath caught in his throat and his eyes flew open, though he was afraid to turn around. All he could do was stare at the pavement, listen to the hum of cars as they sped past him, feel the distant throb of the music coming from the club. And if he focused hard enough, he was certain that he could feel the air change as Leon walked over towards him, hands tucked into his pockets, sneakers dragging across the sidewalk.
There was suddenly a large chorus of protest inside Cloud, wanting to snap at Leon, yell at him to go away. If this conversation and this farewell never took place, Cloud would have something then. He would have something to do and something to wait for. But if this was really all they would get as a goodbye...
"Cloud?"
"Yeah?"
"...Nothing. Just making sure you were awake."
"I wouldn't fall asleep. Not here, at least."
"That's always good."
A thick silence hung in the air and Cloud hated it. There's no way it's really over. There's just no way.
"...Do you think things could've been different if maybe--"
"Cloud... Don't bring it up. Not now."
"Well what do you want me to say then? Goodbye?"
"It's a start."
"Well you can just forget it. It's not happening."
Instantly, Cloud regretted the words. Leon had done nothing to deserve that treatment and he knew it. But isn't this what we've wanted all along? No one comes to high school and wants to stay there forever... Cloud thought and thought, unable to ignore Leon's presence only a few feet away, but unable to acknowledge it either. It was just as it had always been, though now it seemed their roles were switched.
For once, it was Cloud who was silent. And for once it was Leon who wanted to talk and wanted to end it.
"Leon, it's not even like it's goodbye!" Cloud's hands flew at a will of their own, erratically waving in front of him, trying to make a point, but failing miserably. There was no sense in the motions, only desperation. "I mean, we can still see each other this summer, you know? You know? You're not doing anything... You never do anything! It's not... This isn't..."
Cloud's voice trailed off into silence, his hands slowing and then stopping, fingers curling into loose fists which he cradled in his lap, head bowed in submission to something he'd known was coming for a long, long time. Everything he'd said only moments ago was wrong. It was a lie and both of them knew it.
"...It's really over, huh?"
Leon nodded, and though Cloud couldn't see the motion, he knew it was there. Cloud stared fixedly at his clasped hands, somehow hoping that they'd give him an answer to everything. But really, he knew it was hopeless.
"I'll... um..." Leon made an attempt at those words, but failed miserably, his voice barely carrying over the small space between the two ex-drum majors. As simple as that, he turned away and began his trek down the sidewalk, hoping that the words he'd left unsaid would somehow manage to speak for themselves.
"Leon!"
"Hm?"
"...Can..." Cloud swallowed hard, though continued to stare at his hands, refusing to meet Leon's gaze with his own. "Can you sit with me here? Just for a little while?"
"...Sure."
Hours flew by and little by little the senior class began to dribble out of the Split Key, pausing to say farewell to Leon and Cloud before they left for good. None of the goodbyes were long and drawn out, for there was somehow the common belief that the two boys wanted to spend time alone. And occasionally there was a small cluster of people who would linger in the shadows, waiting and watching, hoping for something to happen.
But it didn't.
With time, the bystanders left and the once lively night began its transformation into the deserted morning hours. The streets emptied, the lights dimmed, and still the blond flute player and the stormy-eyed trumpet player sat side by side, neither one saying a word.
x x x
"Sora?"
"Hey Riku."
Riku cautiously stepped further into the darkened band room, easily spotting his boyfriend's figure even in the darkness. It was hard to mistake the darkened and spiky silhouette standing out against the trophy cabinet and Riku couldn't help the small smile that crept upon his face. Sora looked so small and so... awed, just standing there staring through the dark surrounding them, eyes glued to the sleek surfaces of the plaques and trophies, the only things marring their perfect surfaces being the engraved dates and names that would be there forever.
"Your mom said you headed up here... But, uh... it's only five in the morning, Sora."
"I know."
"..."
"I'm gonna miss 'em, Riku."
"I know. ...Me too."
"And... I wouldn't have known any of them if it wasn't for you, ya know. The whole band thing..." Sora smiled, turning slightly to look at Riku as the silver haired boy came up to stand beside him. "Thanks, Riku. For bringing me into it."
Riku simply grinned and pulled Sora into a firm hug, relishing the momentary reminder that Sora was his. Whether or not the experience in the band would have changed that or not, it was still one of the many truths of the world and Riku was determined to hold onto it for as long as he could. Letting out a low chuckle at his own thoughts, Riku turned his head slightly to peer at their reflection on the glass of the award cabinet, barely visible in the darkened room.
"Hey Sora."
"Hm?"
"Look."
Turning his head to the side, Sora giggled at the image they created, Riku's arms wrapped around him, his palms stretching out from his back, looking like small and rather odd little wings. Sora stuck his tongue out at the reflection, only burrowing himself deeper into the soft fabric of Riku's shirt.
"I'm not an angel or anything, ya know."
"Yeah, well, you're as close as the world's ever gonna--" Riku paused mid-sentence, frowning slightly and cocking his head to the side.
"Riku, wha--?"
"Shh! Do you hear that?"
Sure enough, a faint melody drifted into the room, though it was over in a flash. Seconds later, however, it was picked up again, though slightly faster, slightly stronger.
"Wait... do you think that that's...?"
"Yeah. I think so."
Making their way towards the doorway to the band room, Riku and Sora peered curiously through the doorway, silent as they could be and hoping for all they were worth that they wouldn't be seen, lest they shatter the moment and the picture unfurling before them.
Propped up against the lockers lining the band hall, Cloud and Leon stood across from one another, the notes of the Carnival of Venice twisting through the air, rising above them in a torrent of music and feeling. The notes and sounds themselves would no doubt stay embedded in the walls of the building long after those minutes spent between Leon and Cloud, long after they'd left for college, perhaps long after they'd graduated from there too. It was their last competition and possibly their last argument, though rather than words, they simply used music, as beautiful and pure as anything Sora had ever heard before.
Sora tugged gently on Riku's sleeve, motioning him back into the band room with a jerk of his head. The last thing he wanted to do was to soil the moment between Cloud and Leon, the one they'd been deprived of for so long. Taking Riku's hand in his own, he pulled the older boy back towards their spot in front of the trophy cabinet, smiling once more as Riku resumed his embrace from behind, his chin resting on Sora's shoulder as they both looked at the cabinet again.
"They deserved it, don't you think?" Sora whispered.
"Yeah. They really did." Both of them regarded the newest edition to the trophy cabinet, a gleaming golden trophy resting dead center of the large display. "They really, really did."
Outside in the hallway, the Carnival of Venice came to an end, Leon and Cloud removing their instruments from their lips as the last notes of their final duet spun out into silence. With the briefest exchange of glances, there was somehow a mutual agreement that the two came to. But just as many things were, it was not for the rest of the world to know. It was something between Leon and Cloud alone, and that was where it would stay. No matter where they ended up.
So it was that they both left then, each headed in separate directions, no more words exchanged. The music had said all there was to say. For both of them, it was finally over.
There were no words needed and there were no words that could be used, only the music that still rung in their ears as they left the high school early that morning.
(x) (x) (x)
Sorry I didn't update as soon as I'd promised. Oi. Well, here's the deal. I don't know how this week's homework situation is going to fall or anything, but if I don't have much, I'm going to try and get the epilogue up sometime around Thursday/Friday. Roughly. There was going to be another chapter between this and the epilogue, but now that I think about it, it would be short and pointless anyway. Ah well. The next chapter is the last one. (Though I'm considering writing a bonus chapter thingy way, way later on, maybe around winter vacation time.)
...Heh. I did the cheap thing and used flashbacks again. Only since this fic is so old and lots of people haven't read some of the scenes I used in a while, I think it actually helped here. XD Cloud is my speechmaking bitch.
--Ori