Sauron yelled into the phone, "What do you mean it'll blow out the budget? I can't send them just one earring each. They'll think I'm gay or something!" A muttering from the other end of the phone, offering an alternative, had the Dark Lord rolling his eyes in disbelief. "Okay, okay, I suppose... But no-one better think we're engaged or anything!"
"Rings!" he stage-whispered at the orcs at his feet, his hand over the mouthpiece, "Can you believe it?" He returned his attention back to the phone. "Make sure they're nice. I don't want to see any skulls or dragon heads! I know you guys!"
He slammed the receiver down onto it's cradle in frustration. Damn accountants! he thought to himself.
The orcs stared at their master with confused looks on their ugly faces. They'd seen some weird displays from him before, but this was just down right peculiar. Watching their master talk into his empty hand, then slam the imaginary object down onto some other pretend device was getting too much for them.
Sauron shifted his position on the Dark Throne, scratching his inner thighs and waved to the orcs. "So, what do you boys want?"
The orcs tried not to think of what their master was doing on the throne at the moment. They were the same ones who had installed the strange flushing mechanism, and had a vague understanding of what it was used for. "Great Lord Sauron," implored the lead, yet timid, orc. "We come to, um..."
But Sauron held up his hand, interrupting him. "Now what did we discuss yesterday?" They all looked at each other, embarrassed and unwilling to answer. "Come on, it's not hard," encouraged Sauron.
"Great Lord Snookums," started the lead orc again, clearly uncomfortable with the new name, "My men and I are, um, concerned about you."
Snookums blushed, clearly touched. "Oh you guys!" and he started to rise, his pants around his ankles.
The orcs all held up their hands in protest and disgust, "No, no!" they pleaded, "Please don't get up!" And the Dark Lord hesitated, shrugged his shoulders and sat down again. "We are just concerned for your, um, well-being, my Lord."
The Dark Lord smiled down at them from his throne, a small tear forming in his eye. "Go on, Fluffy, what worries you so?"
Fluffy - once known as Grizlok the Terrible - bared his teeth a little, but suppressed the urge with unorclike strength of will. He continued, "We're performing an Intervention." And the other orcs all started nodding their heads in agreement. "You haven't been yourself lately, my Lord, and we need to sit you down and talk you through it." The words felt strange and unusual in his mouth, but Fluffy felt they might be the only ones Snookums would understand.
One of the orcs at the back, clearly not impressed, coughed into his hand, "Elf," which caused a mild chuckle from the others. Fluffy span about, fury in his eyes, drawing his blade. "I'll do you, Bunny, if you don't shut up!" And Bunny, the coughing orc, blanched, trying to avoid Fluffy's eyes and didn't say another word.
Fluffy turned back to his lord and master, who was looking down at him with love in his eyes. It almost made the orc vomit. He waved Fluffy to continue.
"We don't feel you've been at your most... evil, great lord. Ever since you banged your head on that table..."
"Oh that!" laughed the Dark Lord Snookums, rubbing the lump on his head, "That was a doozie, wasn't it? But don't worry guys, I'm perfectly fine." He reached over and grabbed the discarded Orc Quarterly and started tearing it into long, four inch wide strips. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish here and go check on those rings." He laughed to himself, "Rings... they'll never buy it. Oh well..."
The orcs looked at each other, wondering what they could do, but their dark overlord said, "I'll be fine. But thanks for your concern. It's so touching!" and he stood up, bunching one of the strips in one hand.
Fluffy and his gang fled the chamber, groaning in disgust. "So much for your 'intervention', Grizlok," said one of the others outside. "What a human idea." As the door closed, Grizlok had his blade out and was swinging.
The Dark Lord smiled. Those sweet guys, he thought to himself.
He finished up on the throne and went to his desk. The amended document lay there, fresh from the PR department. He unrolled the parchment and read the first few lines, tsking and chuckling to himself. He grabbed his quill and started to overwrite the first few lines.
"Three rings for the pretty boys and their pointy ears, Seven for the hairy dwarves and their bad breath..."
He continued writing until he was satisfied, then opened the door and jumped outside. What a lovely day! he thought. I think I'll walk. With that, the Dark Lord Snookums started skipping his way down to Orodruin, or as he liked to call it, The Sauna.
It really opens up my pores, he thought.