Interview with a Miserable - Javert
Argentine is sprawled across one of the studio's pouffy sofas.
Argentine; Well, after a three day bender with Grantaire and four days in The Priory drying out, I'm back with another exciting edition of 'Interview with a Miserable'. He's the only man with sidewhiskers that you'll ever be allowed to admit to finding attractive without subsequently being taken to the nuthouse - please give a very warm welcome to Inspector Javert!
Everyone cheers except a small raggedy group at the front who hold up a 'Death to the Mouchard' banner and boo loudly.
Argentine; Who let Patron-Minette in? Great! Guys could you shut up cos I think Javert's feeling a bit nervous and you're not being very supportive.
They continue to boo
Argentine; Shut up or I sing!
Silence
Argentine; Good. Come on in Javert.
Javert enters with an air of trepidation. He has been thoroughly 'groomed' by the studio team - imagine Javert dressed as James Bond - and looks a little uncomfortable.
Argentine; Monsieur l'Inspecteur, lovely to see you. You're looking very dashing.
Javert; Er, yes. I'm not too sure about this, er, new image myself - although the shirt is nice.
Argentine Well just try to relax. Snuff? Ok , what is your idea of perfect happiness?
Javert; Solving a difficult case then indulging my snuff habit.
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?
Javert; Spiders; Gypsies; Confined spaces; your make-up artist . . .
Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?
Javert; Vidocq - although, since he's not dead he's not technically a historical figure.
Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?
Javert; The King, because he's the King.
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Javert; Sometimes my inability to lie gets me into awkward situations when going undercover.
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Javert; Dishonesty.
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Javert; Oh, I'm afraid they're all classified information. Show me a letter from the Prefect and I'll tell you.
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?
Javert; None - but I always have a fiacre on hand in case of need.
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?
Javert; Freshly laundered shirts. As a representative of the law one has to look polished at all times.
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?
Javert; Watch, money, police card, notebook. I used to have two pistols before some horrid little lawyer absconded with 'em!
Argentine; Where would you like to live?
Javert; I like living in Paris, which is fortunate. However, I do wish M le Prefet would stop turning down my requests to move into the prefecture.
Argentine; What makes you depressed?
Javert; Pondering on my own defects and the lawless and degraded state of society. Oh - and happy couples kissing in the park. I mean - STOP IT! What makes you think we want to see!
Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?
Javert; Are you insinuating something about my ethnic background? Actually, I think my nose is a bit of weird.
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?
Javert; I don't think arresting people wins me any friends.
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?
Javert; Freshly laundered shirts
Argentine; What is your favourite word?
Javert; I like most of them. Although 'you're nicked' is the tops!
Argentine; What is your favourite building?
Javert; The prison complex in Toulon - oh the happy memories!
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?
Javert; Walking back from the Conciergerie on a summer's evening - the sun glinting on the Seine, twilight over Paris, the first stars beginning to appear . . .
Argentine; What is your favourite book?
Javert; Um, I'm not really a great one for books. Alright, I admit it. I have a soft spot for 'Pride and Prejudice'.
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?
Javert; Becoming Prefect of Police! Mwahahaha!
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?
Javert; As a humble Inspector of Police I am not eligible to vote.
Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?
Javert; Were you listening to me just then?
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?
Javert; No! How could you even think it?
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?
Javert; Yes.
Argentine; For what cause would you die?
Javert; The majesty of the law.
Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?
Javert; Do I look like the kind of man to cheat on a woman?
Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Javert; the police service, followed by my sidewhiskers.
Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?
Javert; the religious maniac that knocked on my door this morning. Woke me up just to tell me to be kind and merciful.
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Javert; Mercy.
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Javert; But that would be a lie! What kind of man do you take me for?
Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Javert; 'You're nicked' - occupational hazard.
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?
Javert; Other than being a 52 year old virgin and never catching Valjean?
Argentine; When were you happiest?
Javert; The day I arrested Valjean after the Champmathieu affair. Hahaha!
Argentine; How do you relax?
Javert; Say what?
Argentine; How often do you have sex?
Javert (turning an attractive shade of crimson); Um, if you'd been listening to my previous answers then you'd know that. . . . Please don't make me say it again!
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Javert; For the police force to be given greater respect and funding. Or to become prefect. Or maybe a nice clean shirt.
Argentine; What would your motto be?
Javert; Surveillance et vigilance.
Argentine; What keeps you up at night?
Javert; Patron-minette.
Argentine; How would you like to die?
Javert; In the cause of justice.
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?
Javert; As a just and upright man.
Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?
Javert; Integrity is your most valuable possession. And never to sit too close to a hot stove.
Argentine; Well thank you Javert - you've surprised me by giving a genuinely revealing interview. You're a bit of a secret old romantic aren't you
Javert blushes
Argentine; Would you like to go for a drink?
Javert; Mademoiselle nothing would give me greater pleasure but unfortunately I am on patrol duty tonight.
Argentine; I have a letter from the prefect . . .
Javert; In that case - do you know anywhere that serves good Manhattans?