Interview with a Miserable - Fantine
Kent, an LA TV-exec type person stereotype, paces frantically up and down the 'interview set' set shouting into his mobile.
Kent; Look, so where are you? We're on air in five so get your butt down to the studio right now!. What on earth have you been doing - for a week? Whaddaya mean 'I'm in the fiacre now'? What the hell's a fiacre anyway? Is that Javert I can hear in the background? Let me talk to him. (Pause) What in the name of San Jose are you playing at? I've had the Prefect on the phone and everything - we were gonna call the Bureau of Missing Persons. Whaddaya mean 'you went for cocktails'? Who goes for cocktails for a week? Just so long as you do mean 20 seconds. (Puts down phone). Apparently they had an extensive menu. Jeez! Wish I'd taken the job at CNN Like my mother told me.
Argentine stumbles on set looking like the Damned part of 'The Beautiful and the Damned' - all evening frock and bleary eye makeup. Kent glares at her
Argentine; What? What? I'm here now aren't I?
Kent's glare intensifies
Argentine; I was with Inspector goody-two shoes - what could I possible have gotten up to?
Kent; Don't go reading 'National Enquirer' or 'Heat' any time soon. Just sit down.
Argentine sits
Argentine; Ummm. Oh - today's guest is one for the men in our audience - she's blonde, beautiful and buxom so please welcome Montreuil's very own Lovely Lady. It's Fantine!
Fantine enters looking very much worse for wear. She has been made over by the studio team to be about 1o times more dishevelled and pitiful than she was when arrested. She now looks like Grizabella the glamour cat.
Audience; WTF?
Argentine; What happened to you?
Fantine; I know. The studio team did it - said they wanted the sympathy vote
She sniffs pitifully them begins to cough
Argentine; Are you ok? Is it the consumption?
Fantine; No, they sat me in a smoky room before I came on.
Argentine; Riiiight - the world has officially gone mad. Anyway, what is your idea of perfect happiness?
Fantine; Leading a quiet, orderly life with my child.
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?
Fantine; Not being able to pay for Cosette . .
Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?
Fantine; Josephine Bonaparte - some short, ugly guy chased her around for ages declaring his undying love. Then, when she finally fell for him, he dumped her.
Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?
Fantine; Marguerite, my neighbour. Can I wave (Waves) Actually, since we're too poor to have a TV, that was a bit pointless
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Fantine; Gullibility
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others;
Fantine; Unkindness and slavish adoration of Pere Madeleine
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Fantine; Being dumped by my lover in a fancy restaurant - though at least he paid.
Fantine; Are you mad?
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?
Fantine; Eau-de-vie
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?
Fantine; I sold them all. So, only my shame.
Argentine; Where would you like to live?
Fantine; I've got this dream - a little place, white chain link fence. Somewhere that's green.
Argentine; What makes you depressed?
Fantine; This hell I'm living.
Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?
Fantine; Having no front teeth.
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?
Fantine; Coughing up blood. And I'm an aggressive drunk.
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?
Fantine; You know that milky smell babies have? That.
Argentine; What is your favourite word?
Fantine; Cosette
Argentine; What is your favourite building?
Fantine; Don't have one.
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?
Fantine; Home from a night's work with money in my pocket.
Argentine; What is your favourite book?
Fantine; I can't read.
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?
Fantine; Torturing Pere Madeleine to death
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?
Fantine; I'm a woman.
Fantine; I will still be a woman.
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?
Fantine; I don't know.
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?
Fantine; Only for really bad people.
Argentine; For what cause would you die?
Fantine; Cosette
Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?
Fantine; With all my heart.
Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Fantine; Cosette
Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?
Fantine; Pere Madeleine, because he's a ! What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Fantine; Chastity - or any other virtue possessed by Pere Madeleine
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Fantine; No! Never!
Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fantine; Don't it make a change to have a girl who can't refuse?
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?
Fantine; Never learning to use the word 'no'
Argentine; When were you happiest?
Fantine; When hope was high and life worth living,
Argentine; How do you relax?
Fantine; Can't afford to.
Argentine; How often do you have sex
Fantine; A night? A week?
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Fantine; I'm supposed to say a job, healthcare and greater tolerance for single mothers. What I really want is for Pere Madeleine to die a painful death.
Argentine; What would your motto be?
Fantine; All men are bastards
Argentine; What keeps you up at night?
Fantine; Hunger pangs, customers and fantasies of torturing M Madeleine.
Argentine; How would you like to die?
Fantine; Peacefully, surrounded by family.
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?
Fantine; As a good mum
Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?
Fantine; Once again, all men are bastards.
Argentine; With the possible exceptions of Grantaire and Javert, yes they are. And I'm sure those two are only nice cos I haven't slept with them. Kent, however, is the biggest bastard -
Fantine; What about Pere Madeleine?
Argentine; Joint biggest. Shall we go out to a bar for a girly bottle of chardonnay and complain about men?
Fantine; Where can we go dressed like this?
Argentine; Better be a goth bar.