Interview with a Miserable - Marius
Shaznay, a gum chewing surly cockney work-experience kid, is lounging on the sofa reading 'Heat' magazine. Kent enters looking very annoyed.
Kent; (muttering under his breath) not again, she can't have gone again, this is not happening again. You, kid! Get your butt down to Starbucks and get me an extra large decaf soya latte!
Shaznay; Waz your problem man? Someone fell out of the grumpy tree this mornin'!
Kent; It's Argentine, she's disappeared again - no idea where she is - oh my god! Deep breathes, deep breathes.
Shaznay; Yeah, I know man - ses in here. (shows magazine)
Kent; (reads in horror) "Argentine and friend - rumoured to be an exotic dancer named Fantine - decided to embark on a 'Thelma and Louise' style road trip. This was somewhat hampered by the fact that neither of them are able to drive!" Well, I'm just gonna have to stop her ever going out again - any bright ideas kid?. Come on, this is your magical moment of glory. Maybe we could lock her in a cupboard -
Shaznay; Cha, man, actually I DO have an idea (whispers in his ear. Kent gives a demonic smile). And don' call me 'kid' - me name's Shaznay man.
Kent ; now, to find Argentine . . .
Shaznay; She's been in her dressing room for hours mate. Me mate Kelly's paintin' 'er nails for 'er..
Argentine saunters onto the stage with diamenté nails.
Kent; Why can't you behave? (Waves magazine in her face). What is this about?
Argentine; Oh, it's fine - we didn't get past Montmatre before we crashed into a lamp post. Anyway, M Gisquet was very nice about the whole thing and we've come to an arrangement. Javert is my new mentor - I have to phone him every hour and he's going to help me to become a responsible adult.
Kent; Could they actually have chosen a worse mentor than Inspector 'Manhattans, snuff and moonlit walks by the Seine' Javert?
Argentine; (Deadpan) Grantaire?
Shaznay; (smirking) Today's guest is here, innit!
They hand Argentine a cue sheet and leave.
Argentine; Today we have for you 'the beau from Hugo' - who writes this stuff? - Marius Pontmercy!
Marius enters, skipping and looking slightly vague. All the women under 17 in the audience sigh. Everyone else rolls their eyes. Some of the men mime slashing their wrists.
Argentine; Welcome Marius - lovely to meet you.
Marius; Please to meet you, Mademoiselle
Argentine; Is your grandfather well?
Marius; I'd rather not talk about it.
Argentine; Ooops, sorry. Silly me! Moving on - What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Marius; Cosette
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?
Marius; Cosette's dad deciding to move the family to England
Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?
Marius; Napoleon.
Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?
Marius; Cosette - isn't it obvious why?
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Marius; I 'm told that I have an inability to act constructively.
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others;
Marius; Not appreciating the wonders of Cosette or my dad. I mean you Grandpapa - you ruined my life!
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Marius; Courfeyrac nearly finding out about Cosette and my linus blanket.
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?
Marius; None - though I used to live in a fiacre.
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?
Marius; Following Cosette - it's so time consuming.
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?
Marius; The handkerchief dropped by Cosette or her dad, my father's ring, the two pistols I never quite got round to returning to Inspector Javert.
Argentine; Where would you like to live?
Marius; Under Cosette's bed.
Argentine; What makes you depressed?
Marius; The absence of Cosette
Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?
Marius; Alas, I am ugly!
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?
Marius; Stalking Cosette. And borrowing things then not returning them - Javert's pistols, Courfeyrac's money, Jehan's books, Eponine's undying love, Enjolras' personality in the '98 movie . . .
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?
Marius; Cosette's handkerchief.
Argentine; What is your favourite word?
Marius; Cosette
Argentine; What is your favourite building?
Marius; Cosette's house.
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?
Marius; Following Cosette in the Luxembourg
Argentine; What is your favourite book?
Marius; Stalking for dummies
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?
Marius; Cosette, me and -
Argentine; - Enough!! How did you vote in the last election?
Marius; Revolutionary Bonapartist.
Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?
Marius; Is Cosette a candidate?
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?
Marius; Yes! Bring back Napoleon - or make Cosette queen!
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?
Marius; Yes
Argentine; For what cause would you die?
Marius; Cosette
Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?
Marius; yes, but obsession is better
Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Marius; Cosette
Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?
Marius; The old religious lunatic that knocked on my door this morning. Woke me up just to say that stalking young girls is bad.
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Marius; Common sense
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Marius; No
Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Marius; Cosette, my sweet, sweet angel
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?
Marius; being too poor to marry Cosette
Argentine; When were you happiest?
Marius; When I found out where Cosette lives.
Argentine; How do you relax?
Marius; After a hard day following Cosette, I find thinking about Cosette does the trick.
Argentine; How often do you have sex
Marius; In my mind? All the time.
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Marius; Marrying Cosette
Argentine; What would your motto be?
Marius; Not sure - but not 'carpe diem'
Argentine; What keeps you up at night?
Marius; Thinking about Cosette; And Eponine and Azelma's crazy singing. Urgh!
Argentine; How would you like to die?
Marius; Without making too much of an effort
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?
Marius; I only want Cosette to remember me
Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?
Marius; Don't wear squeaky shoes when you're following someone.
Argentine; Thank god that's over! You frankly scare me!
Marius; Would you like to come and follow Cosette with me?
Argentine; Love to. Unfortunately I'm washing my hair tonight.
Marius; But your hair is shorter than mine.
Argentine; My LEG hair - byee!