Interview with a Miserable - Valjean
Argentine sits on the pouffy sofa surrounded by Kent, Javert, Shaznay and M Gisquet looking very humble and meek. Kent and Javert crouch down to be on her eye level and speak very slowly, as if to a small child.
Kent; Right. Well, you've been served with a restraining order.
M Gisquet waves a piece of paper.
Kent; This means that you have to keep 500 yards away from Jean Prouvaire at all times. Understand?
Argentine nods
Javert; You do realise that this is serious, don't you? You'rE halfway to committing a criminal offence, and if you commit a criminal offence I'm afraid I won't be able to speak to you any more
Kent; Not to mention that the network will fire you - and probably me! (aside to Javert) You're sure this will work?
Javert; This is one of my more infallible plans, yes. I'm sure I'll get exactly what I want out of it.
Kent; Just so long as you're sure.
Argentine (putting on a professional, cheery 'weathergirl' voice); I'd like you to welcome a very special guest tonight. From prison to political stardom, this man has done it all - please give it up for M Madeleine!
No-one comes on stage.
Argentine; Hamm - ok. I'll try again. Please give a warm welcome to M Urbain Fauchelvent!
Again, no-one
Argentine; Now I see where I'm going wrong. Come in, Jean Valjean!
A crazy old man runs in from the audience
Crazy Old Man; I'm Jean Valjean! I'm Jean Valjean!
Argentine; No, you're vieux Champmathieu.
Champmathieu; So I am!
Argentine; Now bugger off you crazy old fruit bat! Let's think . . . Tiens, tiens, tiens . . .Eureka! I've got it! 24601 get your arse in here now!
Valjean enters with an air of saintly calm.
Valjean; They were right - you do have issues. Would you like to talk to me about them? Why don't you tell me about your mother my child?
Argentine; I'm the interviewer, you're the interviewee. Ergo I ask the questions. And I'm not a child - I just act like one.
Valjean; As you wish.
Argentine; And aren't you the one who drove Javert to suicide and Fantine to prostitution? They're two of my best friends - I'm not at all pleased with you!
Valjean; Alas! I am a wretched sinner! (thinks for a moment) Dear Lord! You know Javert! Where is he? Does he know I'm here? Is my secret safe?
Argentine: You're on national TV honey - I think it's a little late to worry. So, what is your idea of perfect happiness?
Valjean; Not to have to live like this anymore. I'm no more than an alibi.
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?
Valjean; That Javert is lurking in the studio. And going to hell (shivers)
Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?
Valjean: Jesus
Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?
Valjean; Cosette - she is my perfect angel.
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Valjean; Where to begin . . .
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Valjean; They are all God's creatures. What right have I to judge them
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Valjean; I farted in church last Thursday.
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?
Valjean; None at the moment. I don't seem to have much luck with them.
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?
Valjean; Cosette's wardrobe - it's ruinous!
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?
Valjean; A Bible Cosette's kiddy cloths and a metal file cunningly concealed inside a coin.
Argentine; Where would you like to live?
Valjean; Um, Martinique sounds nice.
Argentine; What makes you depressed?
Valjean; The fact that I am a wretch and outcast
Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?
Valjean; Having 24601 tattooed on my chest.
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?
Valjean; Robbing small children and elderly clergymen
Javert (offset) He confesses!
Valjean; What was that?
Argentine; Nothing. I have Tourette's. What is your favourite smell?
Valjean; Incense
Argentine; What is your favourite word?
Valjean; Freedom.
Argentine; What is your favourite building?
Valjean; My dear old factory back in Montreuil. And any church.
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?
Valjean; Home to Cosette.
Argentine; What is your favourite book?
Valjean; The Bible.
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?
Valjean; Being truly free and living alone with Cosette in Martinique growing bananas.
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?
Valjean; I was hiding in a convent and consequently missed it
Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?
Valjean; Don't think will. Might make me look . . Conspicuous.
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?
Valjean; No, I don't think so.
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?
Valjean; No
Argentine; For what cause would you die?
Valjean; Cosette. Or any other just, worthy cause.
Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?
Valjean; Yes
Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Valjean; Cosette.
Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?
Valjean; Thenardier. Though one mustn't judge.
Valjean; Obedience
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Valjean; since I have only ever said 'I love you' to Cosette and my geraniums, no.
Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Valjean; Woe is me! I am a wretched creature!
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?
Valjean; All those escape attempts - that was really thick of me.
Argentine; When were you happiest?
Valjean; When I go around knocking on peoples' door in the morning telling them to be kind, merciful, chaste, not to drink and to go to church.
Argentine; How do you relax?
Valjean; I garden
Argentine; How often do you have sex?
Valjean; I have never had sex.
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Valjean; Not having a criminal record
Argentine; What would your motto be?
Valjean; Love thy neighbour.
Argentine; What keeps you up at night?
Valjean; I think I'm getting arthritis
Argentine; How would you like to die?
Valjean; Peacefully with Cosette at my side.
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?
Valjean; I would prefer that all traces of my miserable life disappeared with me.
Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?
Valjean; To always be nice, whatever the circumstances.
Argentine; Y'know - you're really not a bad bloke at all. In fact, I quite like you.
Valjean; Thanks. That means a lot. I only wish Marius would say the same. I mean, I rescued him from the barricades and -
Argentine(goes pale) You did what?
Valjean; Rescued him from the barricades. He had been mortally wounded so I carried him through the sewer then -
Argentine; You bastard! That is unforgivable! The world could have been a Marius-free place but for you! 9($&ing idiot!
Attacks Valjean
Kent; OMG! She's attacking him! That's a criminal offence. Javert! Come and arrest her
Javert (whistling a happy tune) I'm afraid I've gone temporarily blind - old war would y'know
Kent; Your plan has gone horribly wrong, Inspector. (notices Javert's smile of pure, childlike delight as Argentine claws at Valjean's face) Hang on just a god dam minute! That was your plan all along, wasn't it?
Javert; (smiling the most disdainful, unabashed and resolute of smiles) Like I said, 'this is one of my more infallible plans. I'm sure I'll get exactly what I want.'