Note: I will not be attempting to list all of the characters and show that will be represented in the following story. However, I will say this. If something sounds, looks, or smells familiar, seek help. Oh, and it belongs to its creators, who I am indebted to for letting me borrow the products of their imagination!
Oh yes, and this story is not intended to be linearly accurate based on the events in the show. The entire cast is alive and well, for my own amusement. Oh yes, if you have yet to complete the series or EW, there might be a spoiler or two....FYI...
Thank you and Enjoy
-Avatar
"This is pleasant!" Duo exclaimed, merrily skipping down the street. "We haven't had to deal with Wufei in days!"
It was true. Wufei, everyone's favorite poster boy for both chronic depression and anger management, had refused to present identification the last time he went drinking, and was hauled to the institute.
(Flashback sequence plays in Duos head)
Duo: Want to go drinking?
Wufei: Drinking is for the strong. The weak shouldn't be allowed to drink.
Duo: Well then....... Treize is there....
Wufei: He is an honorable man..... he is strong....
Duo: Oh man...
"Holy crap! I got bored of my own flashback!" Duo moaned. "I can't believe..."
Duo, having the attention span of a gnat, turned to stare at the shiny objects arrayed on a sidewalk vendors table.
"Ooooooo, shiny!!" He whistled.
Meanwhile, further down the table from everyone favorite braided bundle of laughs, Trowa was browsing wares for a gift for Catherine.
"How does one express feelings he has towards someone he almost never talks to?" he mused. "And all this stuff is junk!"
He pawed through a bin label 'Gundam Wing Stuff'
"Bandai action figures...more Bandai action figures.... Models of the unpopular Gundams...... anything related to Dorothy....This is a pile of junk!"
Still browsing, he glanced up. The sign above him read Gundam Wing: The Gift Shop. Tiring of cliché and blatant theft, he grabbed a nearby Gundam Wing: The Flamethrower and torched the table.
Still at the bar (it had been a few days since the Wufei incident), Treize was having a loud argument on his cell phone.
"I don't care who claims she's my kid, I'm much to cultured to have this little brat around. Besides, all she does is giggle and repeat the same damn mantra. ME?! A KID? ARE YOU NUTS?!?! I AM TREIZE KHUSHRENADA......I DON'T 'MESS AROUND'!!"
HE SLAMMED THE PHONE OFF, AND TOOK ANOTHER SWIG OF HIS BREW. EVERYTHING SEEMED LOUDER AT THE BAR NOW.
"AVATAR, TURN OFF THE DAMN CAPS!" HE ASKED NICELY
"SORRY," AVATAR REPLIED FROM HIS DESK, AS EVERYTHING SUDDENLY RETURNEDto normal.
"Much better, thank you." He said.
Meanwhile, at the institute, Wufei was locked in his usual padded room. He sat brooding in his usual corner, murmuring the usual crap we associate with him. In fact, if we wasn't wearing the straitjacket over his normal clothes, we might not have noticed anything different. Well, the padded room was different too. And the group of scientists watching him over the closed circuit TV system. And the fact that it wasn't Monday. Or maybe it was. Anyway, it was in July.... Moving on!
"Well, it appears we have discovered the reason no-one really likes him.....he doesn't do anything funny," The scientist with the claw intoned.
"Yeah, but why doesn't that apply to Heero as well?" asked the one who Quatre hangs out with.
"Because....uhhh.....Heero is the main character.....and.....uhhh...." The one ethnically diverse one said slowly. He noticed the others all staring at him. "Because you're stupid! That's why! I can't believe you didn't figure it out! I hate you all!"
With that he burst into tears, and fell to the floor.
All that could be heard in the room was the clicking of the claw.
"Stop that."
Heero left the hotel he had been staying at in his usual way. He fell from the window. 15 stories and 2 minutes of dramatic music later, he hit the ground with satisfying 'thud' and rolled through the parking lot. When he bled off momentum enough, he sat up, set his broken bones, and unlocked his Jetta. Climbing into the front seat, he rammed the into the first gear he found, and hit the gas. Nothing happened, because the keys were still in his pocket. Being Heero, he ripped open the dashboard and tore out wires until the car miraculously started. Punching the gas again, he failed to notice the first gear on most cars is reverse. Tires squealing, his abused car backed through a cement wall, and came out the other side, onto a conveniently located freeway. Still in reverse, Heero confidently navigated rush hour traffic while doing something else. Probably flashing back or something.
A peaceful scene.....until WING ZERO appears and begins kicking ass. Sometimes it's using the buster cannon, sometimes walking in getting close and letting Heero spit out of the cockpit to raze buildings. We're talking serious ass kicking. Then Heero makes a mistake and kills a puppy or destroys a soup kitchen. This causes him to go into hysterics, and pull feats of superhuman abilities. At this point, we feel sorry for him. But not this time, because he has caused a traffic accident while he was at the flashback bargain bin.
Still in reverse, Heero rear-ended an early model Ford Escort. Both cars' rear ends are in bad shape, and they pull over. Out of the Escort pops Avatar himself. Luckily for Heero, he can't get into the trunk and get the crowbar he keeps in there. Staring into space in his typical fashion, Heero waits for the police to arrive.
"I did it as my last great act.......in the name of humanity," Trowa said, his head bowed, as he was being interrogated by a police inspector.
"Sure you did, kid... and I got a cool part in the show," The inspector said. "Now tell me...were you working alone or not?"
Before Trowa could answer, the door opened and in walked Quatre. Female anime fans everywhere stopped what they were doing and stared in awe at him. Male anime fans everywhere booed the blonde sissy and wondered when Avatar would get back to Duo....or when Gundams were gonna be used. Anyway, Quatre walked in.
"Let him go, Rasid....we cannot achieve anything by arresting people. The consciousness of space tells me this," Quatre said in his usual quiet voice. His eyes were probably closed for dramatic effect. Females everywhere melted.
"But Master Quatre!" Rasid (aka the Inspector....bet no one made the connection!) exclaimed.
"No, it must be this way....let him go..." said Quatre quietly.
As Trowa was unrestrained, 3 more figures entered the room. They were all members of the Maganac Corp.
"Anytime Rasid says that, we all get lines!" said the first.
"I have odd facial hair!" said the second...who indeed had an odd mustache that wasn't quite working for him.
"I figured it out!" yell the third. "Quatre can't be gay! Our Fez color doesn't match that atrocious pink and purple shirt/vest getup he wears! He's got to be straight!"
Quatre turned bright red as Trowa headed out of the room. He made his way down the hall and left the building. He then got inside of Heavyarms and decided to head for home.
Treize was now at the zoo with his obnoxious brat. He still had no clue who she was or where she came from, but according to a court order, he had to spend a few days a week taking care of her. They wandered around, admiring all the different animals. He noticed she was most attracted to the ones that either smelt the worst, or made some really high pitched noise. She was now engrossed by the penguin pool thingy. She must have lived a sheltered childhood, because she was the only person admiring them. Everyone else had already seen the penguins and realized that they were in fact, a cross between rejected birds and rejected fish. They were failures on two levels. That thought gave Treize an idea. Casually, he reached out and gave the brat a small shove. It wasn't quite enough to knock her over the rail, so he tried again, this time she protested and clutched the rail for support. Making an exasperated noise, he backed up a few steps, got a running start, and body checked Mariemaia cleanly into the penguin tank. Dusting off his shoulders, he sticks his hands in his pockets and walks off.
"That's how Endless Waltz should have ended...."
From the deep cave where she had been living like a rat the last few years, Lady Une reared her head, as if she heard Treize's remark.
"Our precious........" she groaned, slipping into a very raspy voice. "We musts recovers it!"
Outside the cave Relena walks up and sets up an easel with a chalkboard mounted on it. She clears her throat.
"Ok, followers of the show will understand the reference just made. However, for the rest of you, I will explain it. You see, in the show, we learn that Lady Une is skitzo. She has a good and a bad side. You can tell which one she is by her hair." She pauses to draw two horrible stick figures of Lady Une, one with her evil bunhead and the other with her pleasant flowing locks. "Pardon my poor drawings, I just suck at life." She said. "Anyway, in the following BILLY, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW" she screamed. Somewhere out in readerland, a poor, dejected kid slouches in his chair and mutters to himself. "As I was saying, in the coming storyline, we will watch and observe as Lady Une turns into none other than Gollum...."
Warning sirens go off, and the sky flashes red. The children pull off a decent impression of a bomb drill from the 60s by hiding under their desks. A man in a power suit with the words 'Legal trouble' written on his forehead poofs into existence next to Relena.
"Ok Miss, I have a report of blatant use not only of someone else's intellectual property, but during its height as a popular culture phenomenon. (do doo do do doo) I am going to have to take you away."
Relena disappeared in a poof of paperwork and legal proceedings. The strange man smiles broadly at the children, then disappears as well. In the background, Enya music plays.
Before the fire claimed Duo's distraction, he had purchased a shirt. Due to his fairly random though processes, he decided he needed to visit the fish market. It may be because Avatar just wants to use the word 'trout' in this chapter.
The fishy smells assaulted Duos nose. Breaking through his defenses, they quickly fought a funning battle, and managed to claim and lay waste to most of his head and upper body before the defenders caught and slaughtered them. But Duo hardly noticed. He saw something that caught his attention.
"Quatre!!" he yelled.
No response. The blonde still had his back turned.
"Quatre!! It's Duo!" he yelled again.
At this time we realize Duo could have moved closer to call his name. Perhaps even close enough to tap his shoulder. But Duo continued to yell.
"Quat-re!" Duo yelled, feeling a bit horse at the end.
Still no response. Duo bent down and picked up a good sized rock.
"Hey, Quatre! I'm talking to you!!" he barely wheezed out. In frustration, he hurled the rock.
It arced beautifully, shining in the sun and turning over several times in slow motion before it connected with the back of the skull. The blonde dropped limp to the ground.
"Oh shit!" Duo yelled
The person he brained with a stone lay face up. It was soooooo not Quatre. In fact, he didn't look like Quatre from behind much either. The more he thought about it; the only real similarity he could find was that they had the same color hair. But this person's was more of a dirty blonde than Quatre's was. Duo decided that it was an honest mistake. He turned and ran as fast as he could.
Heero was now standing outside of his car. Maybe it was because he was being lectured by a cop. Maybe it was because he wanted fresh air. Maybe it was because Avatar had gotten his crowbar and was using it to unleash a form of justice on Heero's car that hadn't been seen in years. We will call it 'Joe Vigilante'.
"Honestly, it's like you're not even paying attention to me," the cop stated, waving his hand in front of Heero's eyes. "I think you'll show more respect if I gave you a ticket."
He whipped out his pad and pen, and scribbled down a ticket for $10. Thinking better of it, he squeezed in some more zeroes. He was out of room on the line, so he kept going up the side of the page. When the scratching of the pen stopped, Heero's eyes moved to the pad, staring at it, instead of off into space.
"There ya go, buddy. This baby's for $100,000,000,000,000 dollars. Next time maybe you'll show some respect to men of the law," he gloated as he handed the ticket to Heero.
Heero stared at the ticket, before raising it to eye level. He squeezed his eyes shut and tore the ticket in half fiercely, sending the pieces to the ground at the cop's feet. Heero then sprinted to the squad car and hopped into the driver's seat. Noticing he had yet to damage the car before even driving it, he slammed the door shut, and then kicked it out from the inside. Giving a satisfied grunt, he slammed the pedal to the metal, and the car took off down the highway.
"So cruel......" the cop said, his eyes misty. He collapsed to his knees and began to bawl. A cliché gust of wind blew the torn remains of the ticket away from his kneeling body, and a crowd of schoolgirls rushed up to comfort him.
Avatar looked up from his chore, and noticed the girls.
"Wait, if I'm here, who the hell is writing the story?" Avatar asked
"I AM" Avatar's voiced boomed from the sky. Or maybe the tricked out stereo in his car. Either way it boomed.
"Oh, ok....well, let me finish up, then I'll take over for you."
"SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN."
And it was.
In his padded room, Wufei was still struggling to deal with his bout of crushing incompetence.
"The weak are only weak compared to the strong......" he mused.
He leaned back, satisfied with his breakthrough.
Somewhere else, Sally Po's head spun in a 1080 and fire spouted from all her orifices.
"ALL OF THEM?!?!" a voice came from behind Avatar.
"SWEET MOTHER FRIGGA!" Avatar swore as he jumped, startled, out of his seat. Behind him stood CrazyFairy- author of fine stories. "Don't sneak up on someone like that! You made me mess up, and now poor Noin won't appear in this chapter."
"It's true! You're a monster!" a faint voice cried from Avatars computer. "Free my soul!"
"SHUT UP, NOIN," CrazyFairy said. "I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW AVATAR WAS DOING, SEEING AS THIS IS HIS FIRST STORY."
"I'M DOING FINE, I BELIEVE. BUT I REALLY DO NEED TO FINISH," Avatar said.
"I'LL GO WATCH CARTOONS!" said CrazyFairy, excitedly.
Duo stood very still. Maybe if he stopped moving, they wouldn't see him. That usually never worked, but he figured he'd give it a try. It wasn't hard, because he was tied up pretty tightly. He thought back on the last few hours. First he had been caught by the police. It wasn't hard, given the fact that his raging ADD made him forget about the incident about 20 minutes after it happened. He was dragged into a room, and interrogated by a large, burly man. Duo said nothing the entire time. Finally Quatre walked in. but Duo wasn't going to be tricked again. This couldn't be Quatre. It was all a setup to make him do something stupid. Even though the burly man called him Quatre twice, he referred to himself as Quatre twice, his name tag read "Hi, my name is Quatre.", he answered a personal call "This is Quatre speaking..." and he was paged over the P.A. system as Quatre. Duo shook his head. He was now tied up and standing against a firing wall. The boy who looked like Quatre paced in front of him.
"Oh Duo, why did you have to do that? I know its not my way, but I must follow the rules..." Quatre rubbed his brow. Behind him, Rasid leveled his rifle, taking aim at Duo.
Duo swallowed nervously, but he still didn't have the courage to see if it was, in fact, Quatre.
"Any last words?" Quatre asked.
Duo pondered whether the words 'anal hygiene' were appropriate for this situation. He decided to ask.
"Quatre...." He began, as all hell broke loose. From out of nowhere, the Tallgeese appeared, and began battling a legion of Leos.
"Oh shit!" Quatre yelled.
"Master Quatre!" Rasid cried.
"Hey, that means we get lines again!" the first Maganac tag-along said.
"Quatre?" Duo asked again
Rasid grabbed Quatre and began to drag him away from action, but he struggled and broke free.
"Master Quatre!" yelled the second and third Maganac simultaneously. "Jinx!"
Quatre was now yelling at the Tallgeese, shouting to stop the violence. The Tallgeese responded by launching a Leo into the wall behind Duo, shattering it into fist sized pieces. One rolled over to Duo's feet. He shrugged off the rope and picked it up.
"Quatre!" he yelled once more, hefting the rock.
Quatre turned to him. "Yes?"
Duo thought for a minute, but couldn't remember what he wanted to ask.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Quatre asked
Duo had no clue what he was talking about. All around him was razed buildings and the burning remains of shattered mobile suits. Duo shrugged.
"I never thought the earth could be so beautiful," Quatre said, closing his eyes. Rasid finally grabbed him and dragged him away, into the safety of a nearby bunker.
Avatar was in the kitchen, icing his bleeding fingers.
"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I TRY TO DO THAT LL IN ONE SITTING," he said. He walked back to the computer and typed in 3 words....
TO BE CONTINUED....
(theme music and ending credits)