Interview with a Miserable - Eponine

A young man lurks on the dark and deserted 'interview' set. He is slight, well-dressed (in an early 19th century equivalent of 'bling-bling') and very handsome. He is holding and enormous bunch of flowers.. Shaznay wanders aimlessly onto the set eating a muffin and listening to 'urban' music on her I-pod. She sees the young man and removes one earphone to go and speak to him.

Shaznay; Hey! Wot you doin' here? Like your hat, by tha way.
Montparnasse; Thanks. And what I'm doing icicaille is chiefly this - presenting flowers to a beautiful girl.
Shaznay (making a grab at them) Ta very much!
Montparnasse; Ha! I like that. You've a mind like a tsurin, mam'selle - I like that in a girl. Seriously though - is Eponine about?
Shaznay; Yeah - she'll be on in a minute. All you gotta do is wait. Wanna listen? (gives Montparnasse the other earphone)
Montparnasse; This is good - we sing something similar in La Force

Montparnasse is just about to sing when a very peeved Kent rushes on stage

Kent; How the Hell did you get in? What the crap are you doing here? Why haven't you gotten rid of him, kid? You know we can't have random members of the public wandering around. Security! Security!

Stevo, a security guard of Neanderthal proportions, lumbers over.

Kent; Remove this man.

Stevo escorts Montparnasse out

Shaznay; Cha man! What you have to go and do that for? I liked him - he was street, man!

Kent; Whatever. Cameras roll in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

Argentine;i(has arm in a plaster cast upon which has been written, in green felt tip, 'At least it wasn't ur drinking arm! - R') Welcome to tonight's episode of 'Interview with a Miserable' and I 'd like you to give a big welcome to the rose of the underworld, Eponine Thenardier!

Enter Eponine, who has been thoroughly 'Eppie-Sue - ed' by makeup.

Argentine; Welcome, welcome - and how are you today Eponine?
Eponine; Ooh - breakfast! (starts eating the flower arrangement. Then squints at the auto-cue and reads) So, what is you're idea of perfect happiness?
Argentine; What are you doing?
Eponine; I can read y'know - we've had an education, my sister and me. We weren't brought up to be -
Argentine: That's nice. So, what is your idea of perfect happiness?
Eponine; To sleep in Marius' embrace at last

Argentine; What is your greatest fear?
Eponine; Water, yeurgh

Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?
Eponine; Napoleon. We're all real Bonapartists in my family. My father -

Argentine( cutting in); What living person do you most admire and why?
Eponine; M Marius. Sigh

Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Eponine; Some have called me strange . . .

Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Eponine; Meanness - can't stand a meany

Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Eponine; Every time my father makes me wear those awful men's shoes - I just want to die

Argentine; What vehicles do you own?
Eponine; What do you think I am? A Rothschild?

Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?
Eponine; The theatre

Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?
Eponine. A knife, A really sharp knife. And a lock of Marius' hair that I cut off with the knife.

Argentine; Where would you like to live?
Eponine; In a palace, with Marius.

Argentine; What makes you depressed?
Eponine; Being hungry and knowing that Marius will never love me.

Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?
Eponine; Bad teeth, stringy hair - what's to like?

Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?
Eponine; So many to choose from - crazy singing, hallucinogenic rambles, stalking. And I bet old Javert doesn't know that I eat out of the Prefecture dustbins

Argentine; He probably does now. What is your favourite smell?
Eponine; Bread.

Argentine; What is your favourite word?
Eponine; Marius

Argentine; What is your favourite building?
Eponine; The Prefecture - only cos of the dustbins you understand.

Argentine; What is your favourite journey?
Eponine; Walking around Paris hallucinating due to hunger - it's an experience

Argentine; What is your favourite book?
Eponine; We burnt them all last winter. But I nicked this from Marius' yesterday (produces an incredibly dull legal textbook) so now it's my favourite

Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?
Eponine; Me, Marius, Moonlight, romantic music, Cosette boiling in a vat of hot oil

Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?
Eponine; What?

Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?
Eponine; Huh?

Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?
Eponine; What do I care?

Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?
Eponine; No, what's the sense in it? What earthly good does it do?

Argentine; For what cause would you die?
Eponine; Marius

Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?
Eponine; Yes, with Marius. But don't tell 'Parnasse I said that

Argentine; Once again, I think it's a bit late. Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Eponine; Marius

Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?
Eponine; Cosette. I want to rip her gizzards out.

Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Eponine; Is not stealing things a virtue?

Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Eponine; I've learned my lesson so I'm not answering that

Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Eponine; Watch out, the boogies are about

Argentine; What is your greatest regret?
Eponine; Being a poor, crazy street rat.

Argentine; When were you happiest?
Eponine; That time I made Cosette eat a frog when we were seven.

Argentine; How do you relax?
Eponine; I sing

Argentine; How often do you have sex?
Eponine; Oh, all the time - woman like me

Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Eponine; Could breakfast, lunch and dinner be counted as one thing?

Argentine; What would your motto be?
Eponine; I dunno - I think mottos are a bit crappy. 'All for love' maybe?

Argentine; What keeps you up at night?
Eponine; Standing on street corners in the bloomin' snow for one of Dad's stupid schemes.

Argentine; How would you like to die?
Eponine; In Marius' arms

Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?
Eponine; I would like Marius to remember me as gorgeous and wonderful - at the moment he runs away from me

Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?
Eponine; That it's a bitch
Argentine; Oh God - I have seen my future!. Is this what I am to become (rapidly growing delirious. Hugs Eponine) Thank you spirit, thank you! I will live in the past, the present and the future, keep Christmas all the year, and stay away from Jean Prouvaire!

Eponine shrugs and returns to eating the flowers and reading off the autocue

Eponine; 'And that's a very good night from me on 'Interview with a Miserable''