Pre show, Various Mizzies in evening dress mill about with drinks and canapés. Kent (wearing a tux) enters with Stevo (in an MIB style suit)
Kent; Ok guys – backstage party in actually happening in the green room just of set. So scram so we can start filming!
The mizzies slouch off clutching their champagne.
Kent; Now Srevo, you are sure that security's as tigh6t as it can possibly be?
Stevo; Yes boss.
Kent; Cos we don't want a repeat of that incident at the BBC when they had Jack Sparrow in, do we?
Stevo; No boss.
Kent; Well, if you're sure – lights! Camera! Action!
Argentine enters in an evening gown and sirs on the pouffy sofa.
Argentine; Welcome one and all to this special gala episode of 'Interview with a Miserable' – the last in the series! Since this is our final episode I would like to thank you, my beautiful public, and to introduce a very special guest – please welcome Enjolras!
The band strikes up 'Red and Black' and Enjolras (in his sexy waistcoat) enters. The crowd goes wild – lots of hormonal screaming and knicker throwing.
Argentine; Well, we've never had a reaction like THAT before! Frankly it makes me nervous.
Enjolras; It is rather different to the usual apathy of the masses. And why is almost the entire audience female?
Argentine; Hhhmmm, good point. Anyway, it's lovely to have you here. Shall we proceed?
Enjolras; By all means,
Argentine; What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Enjolras; A free, utopian French republic.
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?
Enjolras; Waking up in the night and finding Grantaire licking my face.
Argentine; With which historical figure do you most identify?
Enjolras; Robespierre.
Argentine; Which living person do you most admire?
Enjolras; Lamarque
Argentine; what is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Enjolras; I could do more to further the revolutionary cause if I really made the effort – of started taking amphetamines.
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Enjolras; Apathy.
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing momet?
Enjolras; Whenthe other's found out that I can't spell 'revolutionary' - I'm dyslexic
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?
Enjolras; None
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?
Enjolras; Time spent caring for my waistcoat..
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you/
Enjolras; The consitution of the year 1 and some mints.
Argentine; Where would you like to live?
Enjolras; In a free, utopian French repunlic
Argentine; What makes you depressed?
Enjolras; Tyranny
Argentine;What do you most dislike about your appearence?
Enjolras; I have no time for such frivolity. Anyway, I'm gorgeous.
Argentine; What is you most unnappealing habit?
Enjolras; Making chapter long speeches
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?
Enjolras; Teen spirit.
Argentine; What is your favourite building?
Emjolras; A barricade is better then any building
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?
Enjolras; From home to Paris.
What is your favourite book?
Enjolras; Anything by Rousseau (stands on table) 'Man in born free yet everywhere he is in chains' (sits down)
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?
Enjolras; A free, utopian Freanch republic.
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?
Enjolras; I didn't - it was a mockery.
Argentine; How will you vote in the next election?
Enjolras; Hopefully I will have overthrown the government by then.
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?
Enjplras; Yes!
Argentine; Do you agree with corporal punishment?
Enjolras; No (thinks) Hang on - I shot Javert and La Cubac, so yes.
Argentine; For what cause would you die?
Enjolras; Freedom.
Argentine; Do you bekive in monogamy?
Enjolras; I am faithful only to Patria.
Argentine; Who or what is the love of your life?
Enjolras; Freedom
Argentine; Which living person do you most despise?
Enjolras; The King - stupid lousy king.
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Enjolras; Obedience.
Argentine; Have you ever sauid 'I love you' without meaning it?
Enjolras; I have never said 'I love you'
Argentine; What words or phrases do you most overuse?
Enjolras; To arms, citizens!
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?
Enjolras; Not having planned July '32 a bit better – we didn't even make sandwiches.
Argentine; When are you happiest?
Enjolras; Making chapter long speeches.
Argentine; How do you relax?
Enjolras; Scrabble.
Argentine; How often do you have sex?
Enjolras; I have vowed never to have sex until the world is free.
Argentine; What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?
Enjolras; A free, utopian French republic.
Argentine; What would your motto be?
Enjolras; Liberty, equality, brotherhood
Argentine; What keeps you awake at night?
Enjolras; Writing angry letters to the newspapers.
Argentine; How would you like to die?
Enjolras; Valiantly, for the revolutionary cause.
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?
Enjolras; As a great leader
Argentine; What lessons has life taught you?
Enjolras; Find the right waistcoat and the world is your oyster, and never trust Grantaire to do ANYTHING.
Argentine; Thank you, that was really, really . . . what's that noise?
A noise like the approach of a herd of stampeding wildebeests is heard
Enjolras; It sounds horribly familiar. . .
Argentine; Yeah – like that episode of 'Tonight with Jonathon Ross' when they got Jack Sparrow on.
Enjolras; Eeep!
Stevo runs onto the set.
Stevo; Quick! Quick! Get backstage! The fangirls have broken through our defences. Run for you lives!
They run as a torrent of women appear screeching 'we love Enjy!'
Offset, some time later
Javert; Righty-ho, we've been barricaded in her for 2 days now.
Grantaire; And we've drunk all the champagne
Shaznay; And eaten all the canapés except those creepy things that may or may not be prawn.
Everyone shudders.
Valjean (sings) Kumbaya my Lord, Kumbaya
Bossuet; We have to get out of here!
Joly; Now.
Argentine; Concur – but how?
Fantine; Its all pretty boy's fault!
Eponine; Pretty boy was the one who built the barricade – we'd have been eaten alive if it weren't for him!
Fantine; But it's his fault they're here in the first place! Never trust a handsome man – that's my motto. I say we hand him over to his painful, grisly death and get on with our lives.
Cries of dissent
Argentine; Or we could all stop fighting amongst ourselves?!
Kent; Yeah Shut up Fantine – you're driving me mad!
Enjolras; No, she's right. I should go out and face my destiny.
Jehan; We can't let you go – it's too much of a chance.
Marius; Yeah – why can't we send Gavroche?
Gavroche; Did that plan work last time? No! 'Nuff said.
Javert (to himself) Well now, I think I have the beginnings of a plan – let's see, let's see – everyone, I have a plan!
Feuilly; Shut up mouchard!
Valjean; And since when have your plans ever worked anyway? You couldn't even catch me!
Javert; Fine! Be that way. Bunch of ingrates
Eponine; Who are you calling 'ingrates'?
Gavroche; What's an 'ingrate' anyway?
Kent; Could you all SHUT UP!!!
Several hours later
Grantaire; Those prawn things are starting to look quite appealing.
Argentine; We can't go on like this!
Cosette (very politely) Monsieur Javert, please tell us your plan
Javert; Very well Mademoiselle. Although I'm curious to know how your daughter has acquired such beautiful manners, Valjean, when you have none yourself.
My plan is this. Fantine suggested handing over Enjolras to the fangirls, which you are all unwilling to do. I suggest giving them - Kent
All; WTF?
Javert; He bears a startling physical resemblance to Enjolras
All; Blimey! So he does!
Argentine; Great plan Inspector – bye Kent!
Kent; What's in it for me?
Javert; Ummmm . . .
Argentine; Glory! You go out there with a hand held camera, brave the danger, fend them off and Bingo! World exclusive and Job offers as a CNN foreign correspondent.
Kent; Well . . .
Shaznay; Don't forget all those eager groupies wanting to throw their knickers at you
Kent; I'll do it!
Later. The plan has clearly worked and the swanky 30's themed cocktail party has resumed. The production team and main mizzies are assembled in one corner. Kent appears, beaming
Kent; Guess what guys? That was CNN on the phone – I'm goin' to Iraq! (Punches the air) Of course, the fangirls are coming too
Fangirls sigh dreamily.
Kent; So, what's everyone else up to?
Fantine; Well, Valjean and I have decided to get married. As Cosette's parents we really ought to be –
Valjean; - And we're moving to Martinique
Cosette and Marius; We're going too!
Javert; I'm moving abroad to start a cocktail bar cum detective agency – with Argentine
Argentine; In a platonic way, you understand
Kent gives her a 'whatever!' kind of look
Argentine; You have a filthy mind, Kent. Anyway, Grantaire's coming too.
Grantaire; I'm chief customer!
Kent; So what's gonna happen to 'Interview'?
Shaznay; I've been offered the contract. I's presenting it with Montparnasse.
Kent; Just presenting?
Montparnasse; Well no (puts his arm around her). We're calling it 'The Gorbeau Show'
Kent; Can't think where you got that from . . .
Montparnasse. We did ask her. The whole of Patron-minette are involved - 'cept Eponine.
Eponine; Yeah, I'm going out with Enjolras now – it's what the public wants
Enjolras; And we will all continue to fight for a free, utopian French republic
Bossuet; Apart from Jehan –
Jehan; Yeah, I'm leaving to concentrate on my writing. And I've finally admitted I'm gay. I'm going to begin a romance of letters with Grantaire so that people can gain insight into my tortured soul when I'm dead and famous.
Kent; Well, things seem to have worked out nicely for everyone.
Cosette; If we were in a musical. I'd say it would be time for a song
Eponine prepares to sing
Argentine; I never thought I'd say this but, fortunately, life isn't a musical.
Javert; Don't be so miserable – you've got to have a song at the end!
Fantine; Precisely
Argentine; I'd love to do a song but Eponine's singing frightens me so I'm vetoing the whole idea.
Valjean; Well, as oldest and most beloved Miserable, I say we do a song. Javert, will you join me?
Valjean and Javert, in top hat and tails, walk to the front of the stage. Music starts.
Valjean; There may be trouble ahead
Javert; But while there's moonlight
Valjean; And music
Javert; And love
Valjean; And romance
Both; Let's face the music and dance!
They grab Fantine and Argentine and start doing Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers's type dancing
Valjean; Before the fiddlers have fled
Fantine; Before they ask us to pay the bill
Javert; And while we still have the chance
Argentine; Let's face the music and dance!
They are joined by Cosette and Marius, Shaznay and Montparnasse, Enjolras and Eponine and Grantaire and Jehan.
Shaznay; Soon, we'll be without the moon
Montparnasse; Humming a different tune, and then
Grantaire; There nay be teardrops to fall
Jehan; But while there's moonlight
Eponine; And music
Enjolras; And love and romance
Cosette; Let's face the music and dance! Dance!
Marius; Let's face the music and dance!
Kent. Les Amis, Patron-minette and the fangirls form a Busby Berkeley style chorus line,
Kent; There may be trouble ahead
Chorus; But while there's moonlight
Kent; and music
Chorus; And love
Kent; And romance
Chorus; Let's face the music and dance! Dance
Let's face the music and dance!
Valjean; So while there's moonlight
Fantine; And music
Javert; And love
Argentine; And romance
All; Let's face the music and dance!