The Secret Life of Kardis Aka Evil Lesbian Demon Goddess of Madness and Destruction
Disclaimer: I don't own Lodoss or Marmo or Kardis or Narse or American Pie, or Greenday, but I am a rocket scientist.
Day 439,749
I got a new date from the agency today! She's another enchanted object, but this one comes with directions to communicate, so it won't be a repeat of last time. (thank me) Her name is Karla and she is the world's evilest tiara! The paper says to communicate place on head. YAY! I get to look stylish and date at the same time!
Day 439,751
Tomorrow is my date. They forgot to include a picture of Karla so I can't plan what to wear so as to coordinate with her. Ahs wells.
Day 439,752
The date was awesome me and Karla had a stupendous time. We had afternoon tea at this adorable little teashop. They just have the cutest little sandwiches you ever did see. And it has a lovely atmosphere. The tables have pretty table clothes and the murals on the walls were marvelous. Almost everything there was cute, pretty, and/or magnificent. They have this one beautiful purple teapot, it's the same color as my Magical Purple Bubbles of Doom (Dun! Dun! Dun!) And their- sorry I got a little sidetracked there. Back to my date. Me and Karla talked for hours comparing plans to take over the world. Karla has a diary specifically for writing down her plans/plots. I've decided I'll start writing mine down too. Here are some of the ones we discussed today.
PTTOW1
Blow up everyone and everything!
(Karla pointed out a few problems with this one)
Here's one of Karla's plans
Hide in children's dress up box and take over their minds when they put her on. She says it's never to early to corrupt people.
PTTOW2
Threaten to blow up Antarctica, then enslave the penguins and force them to do my bidding
PTTOW3
Blow up the leader of Uzbekistan, become the leader of Uzbekistan... (I'm still working on how this will help me take over the world)
PTTOW4
Poison the world's beer supplies. Children are much easier to take over
PTTOW5
Invent a highly addictive food/drink/candy/snack, market it very cheaply, get most people addicted, take product away, use it as a bribe
Another one of Karla's
Line self with poison and get put on peoples heads
Me and Karla have another date next week. We're gonna get makeovers!
Day 439,752
Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm god.
Day 439,753
Today was me and Karla's second successful date! We went to Mademoiselle Mortisha's Magnificent Makeovers. I got blush and lipstick while Karla got shined up. She is now very shiny!
Day 439,756
Keeping your Christmas lights up all year isn't that tacky is it?
Day 439,758
PTTOW6
Write a musical with hypnotic songs.
Day 439,760
Third time's the charm, or curse depending on who you ask. Me and Karla's third date was going swell until she was injured. Here's what happened. We went to 6 Flags over Hell. We were having a blast going on some rides and playing some games. (I won her a teddy bear!) Then we decided to go on the Ogre, the biggest, fastest, most awesome roller coaster there! On it there were several loops and upside down stuff. Well going upside down with a tiara on your head is not the best of all ideas. Long story short, Karla fell off my head and was rushed to the nearest jeweler to surgically reattach one of her jewels. She is still out. The jeweler said she'll be fine in a day or so.
Day 439,761
I brought Karla some flowers today. She is starting to feel a little better. I also wrote her a poem to make her feel good. She really liked it!
Karla was hurt
She was not burnt
Get better soon
Before the monsoon
Day 439,762
The Health Department is nuts!
Day 439,763
Karla got out of the hospital today! She feels much better. To celebrate we went to Al's Pizzeria. I had pepperoni pizza, yum!
Day 438,766
Today I had a grocery store adventure. I went to get some frozen waffles. First I had the usual problem, do I want Albertdaughter's brand, Deado, Awful Waffles, or I Really Can Believe They're Not Waffles? (Ahh too many choices) Then I noticed Albertdaughter's has a buy one get one free coupon so I got some. When I went to pay they charged me twice. I told the guy about the deal and he sad there was no deal. I argued with him for ten minutes on whether or not there was a deal. After this argument I went to go see the manager, but as it turns out that was the manager. So I decided to call Ellen Albertdaughter's, the owner. After a nice discussion, and threats about calling my Uncle Tony to sue the socks off of her for false advertisement, she gave me a year's supply of frozen waffles!
Day 439,769
First weekly waffle party! I invited lots of my friends. Janie-human, Deirdre-vampire, Jonathan-elf, Timothy-elf,(they are a couple and so cute together!) and Karla of course. The party was a complete success.
Day 439,772
Toda me, Karla, Jon, and Timothy went on a doubly date to Chateau de la Mort Timothy is a sweet guy, with a... spontaneous sense of humor. He decided it would be funny to trip our waiter. We all thought it was hysterical, but the management didn't quite agree. Long story short we got kicked out. So instead we, in our nice dresses and suits, went to Jack in the Coffin's for burgers and fries.
Day 439,773
PTTOW 7
Go to leaders of most countries and bet on horse race with them. Blow up all horses except one I bet on with my Magical Purple Bubbles of Doom (Dun! Dun! Dun! Dun!)
Day 439,776
Helter Skelter in a summer swelter;
The birds flew off to a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
Landed flat on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.
The halftime air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
But we never got a chance.
When the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day the music died?
We started singing . . .
Day 439,779
I had a car wreck today. It was totally the other guy's fault, just because I ran a red light does not mean you should ram your car into mine!
Day 439,780
PFTCDOTOL!!!!
(people for the cutting down of trees of life)
Day 439,781
I like bread
Bread is filling
And keeps the dentist
Fro-om drilling
Day 439,782
1,846 miles, 14hrs 6 min
Day 439,783
This week at the waffle party we played cards. First we played ERS until Timothy complained that we were marring his delicate skin. Then we played BS. Karla has an excellent poker face!
Day 439,785
Methinks is a word, so is methought.
Day 439,787
Today, in honor of National Swimming Llama Day, me and Karla went to the nearby lake, Lake Leery. And we watched the llamas swim. Since Karla's Birthday is in a couple weeks I decided to give her her gift early. I got her Lyla the swimming llama. Lyla is a very pretty llama. She has white spots with brown around them. Karla loved her!
Day 439,789
Old McDeadwold had a morgue, B-S-B-S-O. And in that morgue he had a sea bass, B-S-B-S-O. With a bloop bloop here and a bloop bloop there here a bloop there a blood everywhere a bloop bloop, Old Mcdeadwold had a morgue B-S-B-S-O.
Day 439,790
Weekly waffle party! Lyla really lieks waffles. She ate 17, but she wasn't a big fan of syrup.
Day 439,793
Nothing of importance happened today.
Day 439,794
L-aughable
O-btuse
D-ryer sheets
O-bscure
S-tupid
S-trichnine
Day 439,796
Whammy!
Day 439,797
Today at the weekly waffle party we didn't defrost the waffles, but instead we played Ultimate. I would just like to add that my team whooped the other one.
Day 439,799
Fun game-Lilies on lava! You need: 6 bandanas (aka lily pads), 12 kids (aka shipwrecked sailors), 1 field (aka conveniently located patch of lava). Get from one side to the other by hopping on the lily pads. Before anyone reaches the other end all kids must be on a lily pad.
Day 439,803
Today was Karla's Birthday we had a surprise party. We hid in the living room and when she rolled in we all jumped out and sung happy birthday at the top of our lungs. It was so much fun!
Day 439,804
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.
Don't worry. I did.