Just Another Day!

by SeshatHawk

The events of one day when Headmaster Cid leaves Edea in charge of the Garden.

Disclaimer: Most of the characters belong to SquareSoft. I am just borrowing them. Random characters like Lance the Evil Student, Jake, Wendy, etc., and this story, all belong to me. Please don't take them without my permission.

Author's Note: This is the fourth part in my FFVIII series. And I'd like to thank/recognize my sister again.

Just Another Day!

Balamb Garden, around nine or ten am.

It is the start of a brand-new semester at Balamb Garden. Students are running around everywhere, trying to get to their classes. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine are all trudging through the halls towards Quistis' classroom.

ZELL: Man, I can't believe we have to go to classes!

SELPHIE: Yeah! After we've done so much for every loser here. I mean, we saved time. We keep doing good stuff and no one cares! We still have to go and learn.

RINOA: Tough luck, guys.

IRVINE: I know I'm glad that I don't have to take classes.

ZELL: (glaring at Irvine) You don't have to keep saying that!

SQUALL: (rolling his eyes) ::They keep doing this every ten minutes!::

RINOA: Zell! Irvine and I are just glad that we're not SeeDs, so we don't have to go to classes!

IRVINE: Yep! Rinoa and I just get to hang out together the whoooollle day while you guys are sitting in your boring, boring classes.

RINOA: ::Uh-oh...::

ZELL: STOP SAYING THAT!!!!!

SELPHIE: Yeah, Irvine! Don't make us beat up on you!

SQUALL: ::Whoops! I almost stepped on a caterpillar!::

Everyone runs into Squall, who stopped to step carefully over the caterpillar he saw on the ground.

SELPHIE: Sqqqquuualllllllllllllll! Don't do that!

ZELL: Yeah! Some of us aren't the teacher's pets and we have to actually work for our grades in class!

SQUALL: What's that supposed to mean?

ZELL: Uh, nothing!

SELPHIE: It means that Quistis likes you best, so she gives you good grades, even when you wrote that report on feeding GF last year!

SQUALL: Hey! That was a good report!

ZELL: Even I thought it was bad, Squall!

SQUALL: You guys are just jealous! I'm getting good grades and running most of the Garden, and I'm the leader of SeeD, and I'm pulling it off really great, too!

SELPHIE: That's what you think!

EDEA: (walking by) Good morning, everyone! Let's move along, we don't want to be late for classes!

RINOA: Hey, Edea! What happened to Headmaster Cid?

ZELL: (forgetting about Squall) Yeah! I haven't seen him in days!

EDEA: He's taking a cruise around the world. He won't be back for another week or so, so I'm running the Garden! Have good classes, everyone! (runs off)

SELPHIE: Lucky Headmaster Cid...

Squall, Selphie, and Zell disappear into Quistis' classroom, leaving Rinoa outside with Irvine.

IRVINE: So...what do you want to do?

RINOA: I'm bored. Maybe I will go to a class.

IRVINE: What??? But classes are for SeeDs only!

RINOA: Oh, yeah...well, maybe it's about time I should become one.

Inside Quistis' classroom...

QUISTIS: (glaring at Squall, Selphie, and Zell) You're late.

ZELL: Sorry, Quisty!

SELPHIE: Yeah, it won't happen again!

QUISTIS: (turns bright red, hisses,) Don't call me that in public! (in a regular voice) That's what you said last time! All three of you have detention and cafeteria duty.

SELPHIE: ::NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!::

QUISTIS: Now sit down or else I'll give you extra homework!

SQUALL: ::How can they think that she gives me good grades just cause she likes me? If she really liked me, she wouldn't give me cafeteria duty!::

Outside Seifer's Apartment

Fujin knocks on Seifer's door, armed with a newspaper, then enters.

FUJIN: HELLO?

Seifer's apartment appears to be empty.

FUJIN: (throws newspaper on the table) SEIFER? HOME? (wanders into his bedroom. He's sitting at the computer, fully dressed.) YOU, HERE, WHY?

SEIFER: (not looking up) Hey, Fujin. I didn't hear you come in.

FUJIN: BREAKFAST, ALREADY?

SEIFER: No, I haven't eaten. I'm just getting some work done.

FUJIN: WORK? (peers over his shoulder) INTERNET, WORK?

SEIFER: Yeah...you don't need to stick around. It'll be boring.

FUJIN: (reads the URL: ) LACKEYS???

SEIFER: Just surfing around. Could you make me a slice of toast, please?

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. (keeps glancing back towards his room as she makes toast, with a suspicious look on her face. Just as the toast pops up, Seifer comes strolling in.) WORK, DONE?

SEIFER: Yeah...mmm! Thanks! (sits down to eat) Yes! Newspaper! (unfolds it, starts reading)

FUJIN: (glares at him suspiciously, thinks he is acting strangely) SEIFER, OKAY?

SEIFER: Huh? Oh, yeah! I'm fine! Hey, listen, do you think you could go get Raijin and meet me back here in an hour?

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. (puts her coat on) WHY?

SEIFER: Do you have to question everything I do??? Just do it!!!

FUJIN: (sighs) Fine, fine...

Balamb Garden, Outside Quistis' Classroom

RINOA: (as Squall, Selphie, and Zell come out of the classroom) So, how was class, guys?

SQUALL: Bad!

SELPHIE: Awful!

ZELL: Great! Quistis gave us cafeteria duty!

SELPHIE: And detention! We have to spend our free time this afternoon doing stuff! I have to help Quistis grade papers!

SQUALL: And I have to clean the bathrooms!

ZELL: And I have to help the library committee with overdue books! But I don't mind cause I have cafeteria duty!!!

IRVINE: Zell, cafeteria duty is supposed to be a punishment.

ZELL: Nu-uh! It's a huge honor! (pictures cafeteria duty: the little old cafeteria ladies dancing around with mops wearing sparkly evening gowns and serving him hot dogs aplenty.)

RINOA: Whatever. What class do you guys have next?

SELPHIE: I have Weapons Practice. Squall has History, and Zell has English.

ZELL: Who needs English? I'm never going to England...wherever that is!

RINOA: Squall, I'll walk you to your class! And you too, Selphie. Isn't your class right near Squall's?

SELPHIE: Yeah, I'm in the training center, and Squall's in the library.

RINOA: Cool. Irvine, Zell, I'll see you guys later!

IRVINE: I'll come find you after Zell is gone, Rinoa! (Rinoa, Squall, and Selphie leave, then Irvine turns to Zell) Where's your class?

ZELL: Oh, it's right here. Bye, Irvine! See ya later!

IRVINE: Bye...

The halls suddenly and magically get empty as everyone rushes into their classrooms. Irvine is left standing alone.)

IRVINE: ::I didn't know this place was so big...:: (starts wandering down the hall) Hey, a drinking fountain! I'm thirsty! (runs up to the fountain, tries to take a drink. It squirts water up his nose.) APLLLLPH! Stupid water fountain! (peers at it) Hey, it just needs to be fixed a little... (whips out a screwdriver, and takes the part of the drinking fountain that sprays the water off) If I can just alter this screw here so that it's pointing the other direction...

Downstairs...

RINOA: (after leaving Squall and Selphie, she went to find Edea, and is now talking to her in the hallway) See, I'm getting sooo bored of wandering around with Irvine during classes...

EDEA: This is the first day of classes!

RINOA: Yeah, I know. But can't you help me somehow? You're a sorceress!

EDEA: So are you!

RINOA: Well, uh, see...I was thinking that maybe you could kinda, like, (coughs) maybe, if you wanted to...slip my name into the trainee roster list?

EDEA: Rinoa! You know I can't do that!

RINOA: If you really wanted to, who could stop you?

EDEA: It's wrong! Besides, you're too old to start training. It would be unfair to everyone else who has been working at their rank for years.

RINOA: Please? Irvine is driving me insane!

EDEA: (glances at her watch) Classes have only been going on for an hour.

RINOA: Have you ever been completely and entirely alone with that guy???

EDEA: Yes! Several times when he was little.

RINOA: .............well, anyway, I can't stand him. Can't you pull a few strings or something? I really need something to do!

EDEA: I'll tell you what. I can train you as a sorceress!

RINOA: Really? Wow! I never thought I would ever get trained as a sorceress! Cause if I did then I'd have to go with the government, and then I wouldn't get to be with Squall! Would you really do that?

EDEA: Of course! Meet me in Cid's office in about fifteen minutes. Then we can start.

RINOA: Okay! Great! Thanks a lot, Edea!

Upstairs...

Irvine is standing ankle-deep in water, wrestling with the screwdriver...and the screwdriver is winning. The drinking fountain looks like a piece of strange, abstract art, and is spraying water everywhere.

IRVINE: Hmmm...this is harder than I thought. Well, maybe I'll just use some friendly persuasion! (whips out his gun, and starts shooting the fountain) Die, you stupid fountain!

TEACHER: (poking head out of classroom) What's going on out here?

IRVINE: Uh, uh, uh...nothing! (blurs away, leaving water spraying everywhere)

TEACHER: Oh, no! That looked like that Kinneas fellow...I had better get Instructor Trepe to deal with him.

Downstairs...

EDEA: Rinoa, you have to remember to concentrate. Focus your energy. After all, it's just a little pen.

RINOA: I know, I know! It's just so hard!

EDEA: Concentrate, Rinoa. Stop thinking.

The pen that Rinoa is trying to lift with her mind starts levitating. Then, without warning, it flies across the room and hits Edea between the eyes.

EDEA: (glares at Rinoa)

RINOA: (embarrassed) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I don't usually use my powers. I think they make everyone else uncomfortable.

EDEA: Rinoa, don't worry about whether they make everyone else uncomfortable or not. The point is, they're your powers and if you use them, who's going to stop you?

RINOA: Hey! That's right! Cause I'm a sorceress! Who's gonna stop me?

Across the room, a vase full of flowers spontaneously combusts.

RINOA: Whoops. Sorry about that.

EDEA: (sighs)

At the cafeteria

Squall, Zell, and Selphie wander into the cafeteria, herded by Quistis.

SELPHIE: But Quisty...we're really, really, really sorry!

SQUALL: Yeah! We'll never be late to anything ever again!

ZELL: Guys! Shut up!

QUISTIS: This is the only way you'll learn. Cafeteria duty isn't that hard...::If you've been doing it for fifty years like everyone else here has::...and it's only during lunch. That's the real rush hour, and then you can go when lunch hour is over. Got it?

SQUALL & SELPHIE: (sadly) Yeah...

ZELL: (happily) Yes!

QUISTIS: (speaking to one of the cafeteria ladies) Elsie, these students were late to my class. You know the drill.

ELSIE: Of course, Instructor Trepe! I'll take care of everything! (waves as Quistis leaves the cafeteria, then turns to Squall, Selphie, and Zell) First things first, children. No one ever goes behind that counter without a hair net. (holds out a handful of netting)

SQUALL: What?!?!?

ZELL: Cool! (grabs a hair net and pulls it over his hair with some difficulty)

SELPHIE: Oh, I don't need one. My hair never falls out. See? (pulls on a handful of her hair, and most of it comes out in her hand) Uh...practice round?

ELSIE: (sounding slightly demonic) No one goes behind the counter without a hair net!

SQUALL: Yes, ma'am. (grabs a net and puts it on)

SELPHIE: Aw, man...

ELSIE: Now!!!!!

SELPHIE: Eep! (pulls a hair net on with a lot of difficulty)

ELSIE: Now that you're all ready, you can come back here. (takes them behind the counter) You have to meet the other girls...this is Ailene, Betty, and Jane.

SELPHIE: (whispering to Squall) Why are all of these "girls" like five hundred years old?

SQUALL: I dunno.

ELSIE: Pay attention!

ZELL: (jumping up and down) What do we get to do first, huh? Do we get to make chili or mop the floors or wash pots and pans?

ELSIE: Why, you're certainly excited! What's your name, young man?

ZELL: I'm Zell Dincht.

ELSIE: Well, Zell, since you're so optimistic, you can start out with me. We'll be making today's main lunch...chili.

ZELL: Yippee!!!!

ELSIE: You, what's your name?

SQUALL: Who, me?

ELSIE: Yes!!!

SQUALL: Squall.

ELSIE: (snorts) Oh, the leader of SeeD, eh? Think you're so smart 'cause you're so important, do you?

SQUALL: Well, actually, I-

ELSIE: Well, you're going to be in the front lines today! The real trenches!

SQUALL: (gulps)

ELSIE: You're going to help Betty serve the students. Put on an apron and these plastic gloves and take off that jacket!

SQUALL: (sadly takes off his jacket and puts on a blue checkered apron with flowers on it and a pair of plastic gloves.)

BETTY: Follow me. Hehehe...

ELSIE: And you...what's your name?

SELPHIE: I'm Selphie.

ELSIE: You get the most experience of all, Selphie.

SELPHIE: Really?

ELSIE: You get to clean these dishes. Ailene will bring you a load every ten minutes, and you have to wash them all.

SELPHIE: (groans)

ELSIE: Something wrong with this kind of work?

SELPHIE: Uh, no ma'am.

ELSIE: Good! Here's the soap and here's a sponge, and there's the sink. Get started!

SELPHIE: (runs off)

ELSIE: Now, then, Zell. Let's get started on the chili.

ZELL: Okay!

ELSIE: First, we need ten pounds of ground beef. It's already cooked. Could you get it for me out of the fridge?

ZELL: Sure! (sprints to the fridge, finds the beef.) Mmm, this smells good even when it's cold. (eats a little bit of it, then runs back to Elsie)

ELSIE: Now we need a jar of onion bits, and a bottle of Aunt Damica's Special Chili Sauce. They're both on that shelf, right there.

ZELL: (gets them)

ELSIE: Now this is the easy part. All you have to do is dump the can of onion bits into the pot with the ground beef, and then add the Chili Sauce.

ZELL: The entire bottle???

ELSIE: The entire bottle.

ZELL: Wow! You guys sure know how to live! (dumps in the entire bottle)

A few feet away...

BETTY: This is really easy, kid. All you have to do is ask each customer what they want, and then put it on a tray and give it to them. Whatever happens, don't tell them how much their food is. They can't pay until later.

SQUALL: What?

BETTY: Just do what I tell you!!!

SQUALL: Fine, fine...(turns to first student) What do you want?

NIDA: I don't know...what's today's special?

SQUALL: (looks at Betty for help)

BETTY: Chili.

SQUALL: Chili.

NIDA: Okay, I'll have some of that.

SQUALL: (starts to scoop out some chili, but realizes the bowl is empty.) Uh...we're all out.

NIDA: Really? Oh. Then I'll just have a hot dog.

SQUALL: (gets a hot dog, puts it in a bun, puts it on a plate) You want fries or something with that?

NIDA: Just some chips. I hate everything else here...Squall? Is that you?

SQUALL: ............yeah.

NIDA: What are you doing back there?

SQUALL: Quistis gave us cafeteria duty.

NIDA: Oh. Sorry. I've never had it before, but Xu had to do it for a week as part of her special Garden training, and she never eats the cafeteria food anymore.

SQUALL: Whatever. Here's your hot dog.

NIDA: Thanks! Bye, Squall! (leaves)

SQUALL: (mutters incoherently)

TREPIE # 56: Do you have any hot dogs?

SQUALL: Yeah. (gets him a hot dog.) Want anything else with this?

TREPIE # 56: Heck, yeah! I want a double serving of beans, three helpings of fries, just a little less mayonnaise than usual, on the side, and I want mustard on my hot dog. Ooh, and I want a medium drink, and a small bag of chips, and a strawberry-cappuccino ice cream sandwich. Oh, and don't skimp on the coleslaw, either!

SQUALL: ...........

In Quistis' Classroom

QUISTIS: Irvine, I thought you had better sense than this!

IRVINE: I'm sorry...

QUISTIS: In the past three hours, you've broken every water fountain in the building and left an enormous mess for the janitors to clean up on every floor, made the lights go out five times, and broken the light fixtures in the hallway. Oh, and let's not forget you running through Edea's prize tulips.

IRVINE: That was an accident! I had to catch the little gears before they all rolled away!

QUISTIS: (looks at a long list that she's holding) And you also broke Professor Jore's projector, door, and leg, and lit a fire on the main staircase.

IRVINE: That wasn't my fault! I was trying to shoot a mouse with my rifle, but the mouse scampered away at the last second and the bullet bounced off of the step and hit the control box for the elevator.

QUISTIS: And you also broke the elevator. Let's not forget that, either.

IRVINE: I'm sorry, Quisty.

QUISTIS: Why are you suddenly wreaking havoc inside this Garden? What's so different from last year?

IRVINE: I dunno...last year I was still allowed to take classes. I'm getting bored waiting for Rinoa to come back.

QUISTIS: So you just decided to break some things?????

IRVINE: No way! I would never do that! The water fountains needed to be fixed, and then I noticed that the light in the hallway was blinking, so I tried to fix that by using the fixture in the basement and then by just shooting the light, but that didn't work either...

QUISTIS: I don't want to hear anymore!

IRVINE: I had to battle an Oilboyle all by myself! Did I mention that? Those things are building a little community in the basement!

QUISTIS: Irvine, this can't go on.

IRVINE: Don't worry, it won't. Just until Rinoa comes back.

QUISTIS: (stares at him blankly, then picks up her phone and dials Cid's office.)

XU: (picking up the phone) Hello, Headmaster Cid's office.

QUISTIS: This is Instructor Trepe. I need to talk to the Headmaster.

IRVINE: The Headmaster? What? Why?

QUISTIS: Shut up!

XU: He's not in right now, could I take a message?

QUISTIS: Look, this is really, really, really important. I need to talk to Headmaster Cid right now.

XU: He's on vacation, remember? He went on a world cruise. He won't be back till Monday.

QUISTIS: Monday! Who's running the Garden?

XU: Oh, don't worry. Edea Kramer is running the Garden.

QUISTIS: .....Who is this?

XU: This is Xu!

QUISTIS: Oh. Then you must be serious. For a minute, I thought you were joking or something...

XU: It was a choice between Edea and Squall Leonheart.

QUISTIS: Okay, fine. Let me talk to Edea.

XU: Oh, she's not here, either.

QUISTIS: Where is she?

XU: She's in the second-floor spare classroom.

QUISTIS: Okay, thanks. (hangs up the phone) Irvine, I need to leave for a minute. Stay right here. Don't touch anything, don't move anything, and try not to look at anything either. And don't shoot anything, either!

IRVINE: You got it, Quisty!

QUISTIS: (goes to the second-floor spare classroom and enters without knocking. Her skin suddenly turns bright purple) What the...

RINOA: Oops. Sorry, Edea. She broke my concentration.

QUISTIS: Rinoa?

RINOA: Yeah! Edea's been teaching me how to use my powers!

QUISTIS: Oh...that explains the purple skin.

RINOA: Oh, sorry. Here, let me fix that...(Quistis' skin turns green) Whoops! Let me try again...(Quistis' skin turns yellow with blue polka dots) Argh! Just once more...

EDEA: Here, let me fix it. (Quistis' skin returns to a normal shade.) There you are.

QUISTIS: Thank you. (frowns at them) So you're the reason why Irvine has been trashing the Garden.

RINOA: Okay, that wasn't my fault!

EDEA: What do you mean, Quistis?

QUISTIS: Irvine's getting bored waiting for Rinoa, so he's going around "fixing" things all over the Garden.

RINOA: (bursts out laughing)

EDEA: Oh, dear...

QUISTIS: (decides it would be best not to mention Edea's tulips) I was going to ask Headmaster Cid what to do, but he's gone. (glares at Rinoa until she stops laughing)

EDEA: I've got an idea...(whispers to Quistis)

QUISTIS: That's perfect! Thanks, Matron! (runs off)

At Seifer's apartment

Fujin and Raijin enter Seifer's apartment. Again, it appears to be empty.

RAIJIN: Hello? Seifer, ya home, ya know?

FUJIN: SEIFER, HERE?

SEIFER: (runs out of his bedroom) Guys! You'll never ever guess what I did!

FUJIN: WHAT?

RAIJIN: Yeah, tell us, ya know!

SEIFER: Look! (runs back into his bedroom, and comes back out dragging an average-looking guy proudly) He came in the mail just a few minutes ago!

FUJIN: (shocked into using regular speech) What is it?

RAIJIN: He's a person, Fujin, ya know?

SEIFER: This is my new lackey!

Stunned silence.

SEIFER: His name is Jake. I ordered him off the Internet. He's gonna be my lackey from now on!

RAIJIN: Whaddya need lackeys for, Seifer? Ya got us, ya know?

SEIFER: Oh, you're no good as lackeys. That's why I ordered Jake here.

JAKE: Hi.

FUJIN: (peering at him) He's kinda slow, isn't he?

SEIFER: I read on the Internet that the average lackey isn't very smart. Which puts you two out of the game.

FUJIN: What do you mean? I may be smart, but Raijin's dumber than a worm!

RAIJIN: Yeah!

SEIFER: (chuckling evilly) Yeah, but this guy's even better! He does whatever I tell him to! He even gave himself a swirley cuz I told him to!

Short silence.

FUJIN: You mean you told him to stick his head in the toilet and flush it?

SEIFER: Yeah!

JAKE: I am not slow!

RAIJIN: (ignoring Jake) What didya do that for, ya know?

SEIFER: To test my power. You guys would never do a thing like that.

FUJIN: (not sure whether to take it as a compliment or an insult.)

RAIJIN: We have more sense than that, ya know! (cowers, afraid he's gone too far)

SEIFER: The Internet said that the average lackey only has five percent sense.

FUJIN: What???

SEIFER: And the average lackey does whatever his boss tells him to...no matter what. And the average lackey is a guy, too.

FUJIN: (getting mad) But we're not average! We're...special!

SEIFER: Not anymore! Now Jake's special! (hugs Jake) Jake, these are my friends. Fujin and Raijin.

JAKE: Fuji and Raisin. Got it.

FUJIN: That's Fujin!

RAIJIN: And Raijin!

JAKE: That's what I said! Fuji and Raisin!

FUJIN: JAKE, INCOMPETENT.

JAKE: Incompo-what?

SEIFER: Don't use big words around him! He has a very limited vocabulary.

FUJIN: Fine. (leans up close to Jake) Jaaakeee, I'm going to say this very slowleeee...YOU...ARE...STUPID.

SEIFER: (hits her) Don't call my lackey stupid! Fujin, you've been bumped down from main lackey to intermediate lackey. Raijin, you've been bumped from intermediate to gofer.

RAIJIN: (horrified) Gofer! I don't wanna be a gofer! Gardeners always kill those things, ya know!

FUJIN: He meant, the guy who goes to get drinks and stuff.

JAKE: Yeah, Raisin!

RAIJIN: (even more horrified) Seifer, how can you do this to us, ya know! We've never had a gofer cuz we're a posse, ya know! We do stuff together!

SEIFER: We're not a posse anymore. We've been upgraded to terrorists. Hey, lackey! I'm hungry!

JAKE: (thinks for a long time) How about I treat you to some stolen ice cream, boss?

SEIFER: Great! Bye, guys! Lock the door when you leave!

JAKE: Bye, Fuji! Bye, Raisin! (they leave, closing the door behind them)

Fujin and Raijin look at each other, stunned.

FUJIN: RAIJIN, REALIZE.

RAIJIN: Realize what, ya know?

FUJIN: SITUATION, MEANS WAR!!!!!

At the cafeteria

ZELL: Okay, guys, here's the chili for today. (dumps chili into large bowl)

BETTY: This is only half of the regular amount of chili!

ZELL: Yeah, uh, something happened to some of it and we had to, uh, get rid of it. It, uh, fell in the deep-fryer.

BETTY: There is no deep-fryer!

ZELL: Uh, I meant the garbage! Yeah!

SQUALL: Whatever. Zell, we need more hot dogs.

ZELL: We're all out.

SQUALL: But we've only sold three!

ZELL: (coughs) Yeah, well, we're all out anyway.

ELSIE: (coming up behind them) I think that it's time for you to switch jobs with Selphie, Zell.

ZELL: (slightly disappointed) So I have to scrub pots?

ELSIE: Yes. I'm sorry. ::At least this'll keep him out of the food!::

ZELL: Well, all right. Hey, Selphie! Gimme that sponge!

SELPHIE: (gives him the sponge) What do I have to do now?

ELSIE: Since half of the chili mysteriously disappeared, we have to make more. You're going to help me.

SELPHIE: ::Great. Now I'm going to smell like Cafeteria Chili for the next week.:: What do I do first?

ELSIE: Just put the ground beef, a jar of onion bits, and a bottle of Aunt Damica's Special Chili Sauce into that pot there.

SELPHIE: (puts in the beef and the onions, then dumps in some chili sauce. It's pouring out very slowly, and she reads the ingredients out loud as she's pouring it in.) Rotten peppers, vinegar, decomposing garlic...shredded Ruby Dragon stomachs?!?

ELSIE: (horrified) You read the ingredients!

SELPHIE: You're feeding shredded Ruby Dragon stomachs to children? You monster! How could you?

ELSIE: Give me that! (snatches the bottle away from Selphie) Go up to the front line, missy!

SELPHIE: (runs up to Squall) Squall! Do you know what they put in the chili here?

SQUALL: Not now, Selphie! (turns to customer) What did you want again?

RANDOM STUDENT: Is there a vegetarian alternative to any of these things?

SQUALL: Uh...(looks at Betty for help)

BETTY: (pretends to see something interesting on the floor)

SQUALL: I guess instead of chili I could just pour some chili sauce on your plate, and—ow!

SELPHIE: Whoops! Sorry about that, Squall! My elbow slipped. Listen, Veggie Boy, we can give you beans, chips, and coleslaw, and maybe a hot dog bun but that's about it.

RANDOM STUDENT: Isn't this school required to have a vegetarian meal?

SELPHIE: (hands him a bun) It's rich in bunly goodness.

RANDOM STUDENT: Where's the regular lunchlady? You guys are awful!

SQUALL: Don't be mean, Selphie! (takes a bun, slaps some coleslaw in the middle, and adds a few dabs of chili sauce to it.) There you go. One vegetarian chili burger.

RANDOM STUDENT: Wow! Thanks, Squall! (walks off)

SELPHIE: How could you do that?

SQUALL: Do what? Fulfill the needs of another student?

SELPHIE: Squall! There's shredded Ruby Dragon stomachs in the Special Chili Sauce!

SQUALL: (laughs hysterically for a few minutes) Ha ha! Good one, Selphie! (turns to customer) What do you want?

SELPHIE: But Squall!!!

BETTY: Hey, you! What's your name again?

SELPHIE: Selphie.

BETTY: If you're not gonna work then you're gonna have to clean the staff bathroom.

SELPHIE: (shudders) I'll work, I'll work!

Across the room...

ZELL: (sneaks back to washing pots with his mouth full of coleslaw) ::Man, I don't know how I ever lived without this cafeteria and now that I'm getting free food, it's even better! No one's even paying attention to me since all I'm doing is washing dishes! Now I gotta get me one of those cookies...:: (abandons pots & pans and starts stuffing his face with cookies.)

In Quistis' Classroom

Irvine is sitting on a chair in the middle of the room. Quistis and Edea are lecturing him.

EDEA: You see, Irvine, we're having a lot of technical difficulties with you on the loose.

QUISTIS: Yeah. Things are blowing up and you broke my chalk holder!

IRVINE: Sorry. Sorry!

QUISTIS: This has to stop!

EDEA: It can't go on, Irvine!

IRVINE: I know, but I don't mean to! They're all accidents, I swear! I use my very best judgment and then everything blows up in my face! It's like, the story of my life! Pleeease don't hurt me! I'm only seventeen!

QUISTIS: Uh...we're not going to hurt you, Irvine.

IRVINE: What? You're not? Oh! (gets all embarrassed because of his speech)

QUISTIS: No, Matron has a proposition for you.

EDEA: Irvine, you know that since you, Squall, Selphie, Zell, Quistis, and Rinoa saved time, things have been a little different around here.

IRVINE: Uh, I guess. Different how?

QUISTIS: We don't have a Disciplinary Committee!

IRVINE: Oh. Right.

EDEA: That was made up of Seifer Almasy, Raijin Hiroshi, and Fujin Masago. But, the situation changed abruptly, and they were all expelled. So we haven't had a Disciplinary Committee since then.

IRVINE: Oh. I didn't even notice!

QUISTIS: Normally, we would send you to them and let them decide on your punishment, but since they aren't there anymore, we got a different idea.

EDEA: Yes. Since the disposal of Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin, chaos has ensued. I'm sure you're well aware of that, Irvine.

IRVINE: Uh...

EDEA: Students are destroying the building! They're loitering and doing other bad things! But, Irvine, things are going to change.

IRVINE: (in a small, frightened voice) They are?

EDEA: Yes. Together, Quistis and I have decided on a new Disciplinary Committee. It's been a long and strenuous process, but we've finally adjudicated on the person that we determined is the premium choice for this job. It will be difficult, Irvine, but we believe that you can fulfill this position like no one else can-

IRVINE: What? You're using too many big words!

QUISTIS: Irvine, we've chosen you to be the new Disciplinary Committee!

IRVINE: What?

QUISTIS: Here's your handbook. Oh, and you get a bumper sticker too.

IRVINE: Great! I'll put it on the next car I rent! Wait a minute...am I the only member of the Disciplinary Committee? Like, am I going to do this all by myself?

EDEA: Irvine, we're not going to make you do anything. ::If he doesn't say yes, I'm pulling out his baby pictures!::

QUISTIS: We just thought that you would be best suited for this job. ::How can I put this so that he can't possibly refuse..?:: You have such good judgment, Irvine, and, um...

EDEA: You're responsible and intelligent and there's no one better for this job than you! You're creative and you need a better way to harness your creativity than fixing things!

IRVINE: Hey, you're right! I'll do it! Thanks, Quisty! Thanks, Matron!

QUISTIS: No problem.

IRVINE: (takes handbook and bumper sticker and runs off)

EDEA: Now things can return to normal.

QUISTIS: In a manner of speaking.

EDEA: Well, at least Irvine won't be destroying the Garden anymore.

QUISTIS: Yeah!

EDEA: We'll just leave that to Rinoa during her lessons! Which reminds me...I have to be leaving. Bye, Quistis!

QUISTIS: Bye, Matron.

At Fujin's apartment

FUJIN: Pay attention, Raijin! We've got to prove to Seifer that we're way better than Jake is.

RAIJIN: I thought you hated being Seifer's lackey, ya know?

FUJIN: We're no one's lackeys! We're Seifer's best friends and he replaced us with a lackey! A second-rate lackey, at that! We've gotta do something evil.

RAIJIN: Okay...

Short silence.

FUJIN: Think of something evil, Raijin!

RAIJIN: Stop yelling at me, ya know? Thinking is hard and it makes my head hurt!

FUJIN: Okay, this isn't hard at all. I mean, Seifer's just a stupid jerk, and he comes up with all kinds of evil plans! You would think I could come up with one.

RAIJIN: Yeah! You're way smarter than he is, ya know!

FUJIN: I know! Let's hijack the Garden!

RAIJIN: Again???

FUJIN: No, that wasn't us! That was the Galbadian Army!

RAIJIN: But someone's already done that, ya know?

FUJIN: Are you accusing me of being unoriginal?????

RAIJIN: Uh, no!

FUJIN: Argh! This is so hard! How can Seifer come up with brand-new stupid plans every week?

RAIJIN: Maybe we could kidnap someone, ya know!

FUJIN: Hey, yeah! It works on so many levels! We could kidnap a lot of people, or...no, wait. Who could we kidnap?

RAIJIN: Uh.............

The front door bangs open, and Seifer charges in, with Jake trailing in his wake.

SEIFER: What are you guys doing here?

FUJIN: (icily) APARTMENT, MINE. HERE, LIVE.

SEIFER: Well, what are you doing here?

RAIJIN: You weren't home, ya know! We decided to come over here and, uh, yeah!

FUJIN: KNOCK, DON'T?

SEIFER: What? (glances at the still-open door) Oh, that. I'm always welcome here.

FUJIN: JAKE, ISN'T.

SEIFER: What? What are you saying, Fujin?

FUJIN: I'm saying that that thing isn't allowed in my apartment! I just had my carpets cleaned!

SEIFER: But he's my lackey! What happened to "any friend of Seifer's is a friend of mine?"

FUJIN: I never said that.

RAIJIN: That was when we were your only friends, ya know?

SEIFER: Hey, who asked you? I'm thirsty! Raijin, get me a grape soda! Jake, you thirsty?

JAKE: Uh, yeah! I'll have an iced tea!

Short silence.

FUJIN: ICED TEA?

SEIFER: It's in the lackey's handbook. Lackeys are never allowed to have cooler drinks than the boss.

RAIJIN: (heads miserably for the door)

FUJIN: RAIJIN, STOP.

RAIJIN: What?

FUJIN: We're not his friends anymore! We don't have to do what he says!

SEIFER: You're still my friends! I just like Jake way better!

FUJIN: (is so angry she can't speak)

RAIJIN: So, uh, am I goin' or stayin', ya know?

FUJIN: PEARL, COME!

Fujin's white ten-ton cat, Pearl, comes trotting out of the bedroom. Looking absolutely livid, Fujin plops down on her sofa and pulls the cat onto her lap.

FUJIN: RAIJIN, SIT.

RAIJIN: Uh, I dunno, Fujin. That cat, is, uh, ahem mean, ya know?

FUJIN: Just sit down, Raijin!!!!!

RAIJIN: (sits down)

SEIFER: What are you two doing? I came up with a brilliant plan and you guys have to help me carry it out!

FUJIN: Make us.

RAIJIN: Uh, Fujin, I don't think that's the right thing to say, ya know?

FUJIN: RAIJIN, SILENCE. HANDLE THIS, I CAN.

SEIFER: Look, it's really simple, guys. Nothing has changed. Jake'll be the one who puts his life on the line for me, Fujin'll be his helper, and Raijin'll go get stuff for us.

FUJIN: This is because you caught me taking off my nail polish last week, isn't it?

SEIFER: (coldly) I have no idea what you're talking about. ::This'll show her to wear nail polish when she thinks I'm not looking!:: Anyway, Jake and I have concocted a brilliant scheme to make trouble for the SeeDs!

FUJIN: That's your brilliant plan?

SEIFER: Well, not all of it. There's still some details to work out, but I think we can arrange everything on our way over there. Right, Jake?

JAKE: Right, boss. Hey, gofer! Where's my iced tea?

RAIJIN: Uh... (looks at Fujin for help)

FUJIN: ::Maybe if we play along for a while, we can sabotage his brilliant scheme.:: RAIJIN, DRINKS, GET.

RAIJIN: (horrified) WHAT?????

FUJIN: (gives him a Look and prays he doesn't act like a moron) I, WANT PEPSI.

JAKE: Hey! (whips out a book titled, "Lackeying for Dummies" and flips to a page.) This book says that the lackeys can never have a cooler drink than the boss!

There is a short silence while Fujin glares evilly at Jake.

FUJIN: I, WANT PEPSI.

SEIFER: Aw, it doesn't matter, Jake. She's not traditional.

FUJIN: (angry) Just what is that supposed to--

SEIFER: Okay, Jake! You got the car? Let's roll! Fujin, you're driving! Raijin, don't forget to get our drinks before meeting us in the parking lot! (leaves with Jake in tow.)

RAIJIN: Fujin! What are ya doin', ya know? I thought we were gonna come up with our own plan, ya know!

FUJIN: RAIJIN, WAIT. FOLLOW SEIFER. TEMPORARY. SABOTAGE PLAN.

RAIJIN: (chuckles evilly) That's a good plan, Fujin!

FUJIN: I thought so, too. Oh, here's some change for the drink machine in the lobby. I gotta go start the car. (runs off)

At the cafeteria

Squall, Selphie, and Zell are sitting in Elsie's little office, while she yells at them for what's been happening. Zell ate half of the lunch food. Selphie started a petition to save Ruby Dragons, and also started a riot in the cafeteria. Squall did exactly as he was told--serve food--until he cracked and smashed coleslaw into Betty's face. Then he got into a fight with her.

ELSIE: I don't know how this could have happened in a mere hour! Do any of you have anything to say for yourselves???

SELPHIE: (still wearing her hair net, she is also wearing a "Save the Ruby Dragons" button on her dress, a "Save the Ruby Dragon" sash, a "Save the Ruby Dragons" hat, has a large pin on her dress that reads, "S.O.R.D.A.," and is holding a large red folder that reads, "Classified Information--DO NOT OPEN! Property of Selphie Tilmitt.") Yes! I think that Ruby Dragons deserve as much of a chance as the rest of us do! Save the Ruby Dragon from being someone's chili!

ELSIE: I told you to stop saying that in the cafeteria! What about you, do you have anything to say?

ZELL: (staring at his lap) No, ma'am.

ELSIE: Nothing, like an apology?

ZELL: I was really, really hungry!

ELSIE: And you? What excuse is there for beating up a member of the staff?

SQUALL: (his shirt is ripped, he's missing a shoe, and he has bruises all over his face and two black eyes) I've beaten up Quistis lots of times!

SELPHIE: No you haven't!

SQUALL: Sure I have.

ELSIE: It's a good thing I got there when I did! I don't believe the three of you could cause so much trouble in one hour!

ZELL: You haven't talked to Quistis lately, have you? Ask her about the time when she left to get some root beer, and when she came home, we--

ELSIE: That's it! I'm tired of this! All three of you are banned from cafeteria duty forever!

SQUALL: (jumps up and down) Yes!

SELPHIE: (also jumps up and down) Woo-hoo!

ZELL: (starts crying)

ELSIE: Get out of my sight before I feel the need to do some beating!

SQUALL: If you insist.

SELPHIE: Okay! Come on, Zell! (pulls Zell out of the cafeteria.)

ZELL: (stops crying and inspects Selphie's assorted Ruby Dragon memorabilia.) Hey Selphie. What does S.O.R.D.A. stand for?

SELPHIE: Safety of Ruby Dragons Association. I'm the new president!

SQUALL: Why are you all protective of Ruby Dragons all of a sudden? Don't you remember when we beat up all those Ruby Dragons in the deep sea research center?

SELPHIE: (horrified) How dare you accuse me of such a thing! I'm sure I'd remember that!

ZELL: Yeah, you were there! Remember? You insisted on coming because you needed a Fury fragment!

SELPHIE: I would never do that! I'm a way better person than that! (glowers) Oh, I know what's happening here. Someone's jealous 'cause I'm the President of the S.O.R.D.A. and you guys are just losers!

SQUALL: Hey! I'm the leader of SeeD! That's way more important than President of S.O.R.D.A!

SELPHIE: Nu-uh! I protect the lives of innocent creatures! You just go out and kill them!

ZELL: (loudly) That isn't true! Don't you remember when we helped Laguna and his friends defeat that Ruby Dragon, Selphie?

A few nearby students gasp and whisper among themselves. Selphie is horrified.

SELPHIE: How could you! (runs off to her next class)

ZELL: Whoops. Oh, well. I'm sure she'll be better tomorrow!

SQUALL: ::Let's hope so...::

In a random hallway of the Garden

GIRL STUDENT: Joe, I have to talk to you.

JOE: What is it, Wendy?

WENDY: Listen, I don't want to date you anymore.

JOE: What?!?!

WENDY: It just won't work out.

JOE: (bursts into tears) What? No! I love you! Don't do this to me!

WENDY: I'm sorry, Joe. Your heart just hasn't been in our relationship since you started taking Quistis' class.

JOE: Wendy! Don't do this to me! I can change!

IRVINE: (jumping out from behind a corner with his rifle aimed at Wendy) Hey! You're violating the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 77: bullying another student.

WENDY: Bullying? I'm not bullying anyone! I'm just breaking up with Joe here cause our relationship isn't working out.

IRVINE: Is that so? Did you ever think to ask Joe about this? Did it ever occur to you that you might break his tender heart? Look at Joe, Wendy.

WENDY: (looks. Joe is sobbing on the ground)

IRVINE: He looks pretty bullied to me. What do you say?

WENDY: This is absurd! Hey, wait a minute...aren't you Irvine Kinneas?

IRVINE: Yeah.

WENDY: The same Irvine Kinneas that tried to break me and Joe up last month?

IRVINE: (suddenly flustered) Uh, well, there's so many Irvines here and I can't quite remember...

WENDY: What's up with you now?

IRVINE: I've changed. (strikes a dramatic pose) The Disciplinary Committee has touched another soul.

WENDY: Really? I didn't know the Disciplinary Committee could change people so much. It hardly changed Fujin and Raijin and Seifer at all.

IRVINE: Well, I got my first taste of authority and I liked it. You're coming with me.

WENDY: You know what? Fujin and Raijin were way better at this job than you are. They didn't punish people for breaking up with their lame boyfriends!

JOE: (bursts into fresh tears)

IRVINE: (pats him on the back) Oh, really? That's it! You've violated the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 304: pointing out the faults of a staff member.

WENDY: You're not a staff member!

IRVINE: Aren't I? I was hired by the Headmaster's wife herself! And she's a sorceress! You're coming with me to the Disciplinary Committee Room! (grabs her arm)

WENDY: What are you going to do to me?

IRVINE: If you're lucky, detention. But I fear that fate is not on your side today. I think we'll start with...oh, say, cafeteria duty?

WENDY: You've gotta be joking!

IRVINE: And from there, we'll move down to temporary janitorial duty.

WENDY: Wait! What if we just pretended this never happened? I can keep dating Joe. No one will be any the wiser!

IRVINE: What? Okay, you've just had your punishment upped to a month of janitorial duty! And no privileges!

WENDY: That's crazy! What for?

IRVINE: Now you've violated three more Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rules! Rule # 48: Confusing a Committee Member, Rule # 600: Trying to worm out of a punishment, and Rule # 56: Accusing a Committee Member of insanity.

WENDY: But--

IRVINE: Not another word! Unless you want a further punishment for violating the most important Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule: # 72: Interrupting a Committee Member.

The Garden Library

ZELL: I'm here to do detention for Quistis.

ANNE: (a.k.a. the Library Committee Girl) Oh, great! Quistis told me you would be in today. You can start out helping Emily add up the library fines.

ZELL: Okay. (finds Emily) Hey, Emily.

EMILY: (flustered) Oh, hi, Zell!

ZELL: I'm supposed to count library fines with you.

EMILY: Oh, okay! Here, you can count what's in this envelope, and I'll do this one. (starts counting)

ZELL: So...how's your band coming along?

EMILY: Oh, great! (keeps counting)

ZELL: Man, this is sooo boring!

EMILY: (looks up) Do you think so? I think this is the most exciting job you can get on the Library Committee!

ZELL: Oh.

EMILY: Listen, you don't have to do this. It's, uh, hard. I'll count the money and you can check out books. I'll even show you how. See? You just run this little scanner thing over the barcode.

ZELL: That looks pretty easy!

EMILY: It is. Well, I'll see you later, Zell!

ZELL: Kay. (looks around. The library is practically empty.) Man, I can't believe I got library committee! This has to be the boringest job on the planet.

ANNE: (who overheard him) Oh, hey, Zell. If you want something a little more active to do, then you can print out library fee reminders. Look, just run the find program on the computer and tell it to bring up overdue notices.

ZELL: (does) Okay...

ANNE: Then just press the "print" button!

ZELL: (does) Hey, that was pretty easy.

The printer starts printing out little blue cards with people's names and fine amounts on them. Zell picks one up and reads it aloud.

ZELL: Whoa! This person has a fine of almost seventy gil! They checked out five reference books and never returned them! And they've had them checked out for almost four months!

ANNE: Sounds like we'll have to call this guy in. What's his name? I'll ask Edea to get him in here for us.

ZELL: (reads the name) Uh...what was the question?

ANNE: What's his name?

ZELL: (coughs nervously) Uh, gee, I can't really tell. It's kinda hard to make out...

Quistis' Classroom

Selphie comes running into Quistis' classroom, out of breath and carrying an armload of folders and books.

QUISTIS: (peering at Selphie over her glasses the way she does with students she's angry at) You're late for detention.

SELPHIE: I know! I'm sorry. I got caught up doing other stuff. Where can I put these?

QUISTIS: What, your books? Just put them on my desk here.

SELPHIE: (does)

QUISTIS: (reading Selphie's sash) What does S.O.R.D.A. stand for?

SELPHIE: (proudly) The Safety of Ruby Dragons Association. I'm the new president!

QUISTIS: (confused) You weren't the president yesterday.

SELPHIE: That's what I meant when I said new.

QUISTIS: Why would they make you their president? Don't you remember when you helped Squall kill all those Ruby Dragons?

SELPHIE: That was just a rumor he started cause he's jealous.

QUISTIS: Uh-huh...

SELPHIE: But anyway, I started a protest in the cafeteria today because they use shredded Ruby Dragon stomachs in the Chili Sauce. And then the protest turned into a riot, and the Garden members of S.O.R.D.A. were so impressed that they made me their new president!

QUISTIS: Oh. (coughs) Well, I'm, uh, glad for you.

SELPHIE: Would you like a flier? (opens one of her folders and pulls out a brightly-colored flier that reads, "Help Save the Ruby Dragons!") You can also come to a S.O.R.D.A. meeting if you want but before you can become a member you have to pass the initiation test first. I don't think it's that hard but not everyone feels the same way about Ruby Dragons as I do...even though everyone should.

QUISTIS: Whatever. Look, you're supposed to help me grade papers for your detention. So pull a chair up to my desk and let's get started, okay?

SELPHIE: Fine, fine... (pulls up a chair)

QUISTIS: What are all these books, anyway? You never read anything.

SELPHIE: Well, being the president of S.O.R.D.A. is hard work. I checked all these books out of the library to help me with some research.

QUISTIS: Wow. You're really into this, aren't you?

SELPHIE: Oh, yeah! The Ruby Dragons need my help!

QUISTIS: Are you really doing this for the Ruby Dragons? Or for yourself?

SELPHIE: For the Ruby Dragons! Duh!

QUISTIS: (shrugs) Whatever you say, Selphie. Look, I want you to hand me those papers and read me the answers to the test off of this answer key. Then I'm going to grade the papers. Okay? Can you handle that?

SELPHIE: (looking distressed) What makes you think that I would do this for myself?

QUISTIS: What?

SELPHIE: Why would I do so much to support the Ruby Dragons and then have it all be for me? That's ridiculous!

QUISTIS: (sighs deeply and resists the urge to get out her whip and crack it) Look, Selphie. It was a mistake. Will you please just help me with this now?

SELPHIE: And give up on the Ruby Dragons? Never!

QUISTIS: I didn't ask you to give up on Ruby Dragons. I asked you to help me grade these papers. This is detention, and if you don't do as I tell you, I'm gonna send you to the Disciplinary Committee!

Somewhere on a long, deserted road

Fujin is going fifty miles over the speed limit. She's driving a red convertible. Jake and Seifer are sitting in the back, discussing their plans. Raijin is sitting in the front, looking depressed because he can't believe Seifer actually made him get drinks.

FUJIN: (gets her Pepsi out of the cup holder and takes a drink, then says) RAIJIN, CHEER UP.

RAIJIN: Why, ya know?

FUJIN: GOING, DO EVIL. ENTERTAINING, AT LEAST.

RAIJIN: I just can't believe Seifer is doin' this to us, ya know! What did we do?

FUJIN: (hisses) Shut up! He can hear you, remember?

SEIFER: (suddenly leans over the seat) Hey, guys. Tell us what you think of this plan.

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.

RAIJIN: Okay.

SEIFER: We stop at a hardware store, and Raijin gets some stuff for us. Then we sneak into the Garden and make a bomb!

RAIJIN: A bomb? What for, ya know?

SEIFER: What are bombs for, dimwit? For blowing up stuff! Like the Garden!

FUJIN: UNORIGINAL.

SEIFER: WHAT???

FUJIN: PLAN: RAIJIN, GET EXPLOSIVES. WE, SNEAK INTO GARDEN. BREAK INTO HEADMASTER'S OFFICE. TAKE OVER GARDEN, PLANT EXPLOSIVES IN ELEVATOR SHAFT.

JAKE: Why would you put explosives in the elevator shaft?

SEIFER: So that no SeeDs could get up there! Fujin, that's a good plan. But we've gotta work torturing Squall in there somehow. For revenge and everything.

FUJIN: SQUALL, TORTURE. LITERALLY, FIGERATIVELY?

SEIFER: Whichever. It doesn't matter. Okay, Raijin'll get explosives, and then the three of you will break into the Garden, capture Squall, and bother him a little, then drive the Garden away and maybe release some monsters.

RAIJIN: Us? Where will you be, ya know?

SEIFER: I will be in the car, awaiting word of your success. AAAH! (yells as the car suddenly swerves to the right so far that he almost falls out of the car) What was that?

FUJIN: SORRY. CURVE, IN ROAD.

RAIJIN: Whaddya talkin' about, Fujin? There's no curve in the--owww! That hurt!

FUJIN: SORRY. FOOT, SLIPPED.

SEIFER: Well? How about my plan now?

FUJIN: GOOD. ::Since I was the one who came up with most of it!!!::

RAIJIN: It's a good plan, ya know.

JAKE: It's a great plan, boss! I can't wait to do this! My first real mission!

FUJIN: (under her breath) Amateur.

JAKE: (leans over the seat) Did you say something to me, Food-in?

FUJIN: ::Did he just call me Food-in?:: POSSIBLE. JAKE, NOT LISTENING ENOUGH.

JAKE: Nu-uh, Food-in! I listen way more than you do!

RAIJIN: (hits him) Don't call her Food-in, ya know! It's Fujin!

JAKE: Owww! Bo-oss! Raid-in hit me!

SEIFER: So hit him back! What's the problem here?

JAKE: Oh, goody. (hits Raijin) Take that, Raid-in!

RAIJIN: (under his breath) Was that supposed to hurt, ya know? (to Fujin) How can he not remember our names, ya know?

FUJIN: JAKE, MORON. WE, TAKE CARE OF HIM. JAKE, NOT A THREAT.

RAIJIN: Oh, I get it. (chuckles evilly)

In the Disciplinary Committee Meeting Room

IRVINE: (walks in, with his rifle on one shoulder) Ah, another job well done. Hey, what are you guys doing in here?

SELPHIE: Quistis got mad at me for defending Ruby Dragons and sent me here.

ZELL: I have seventy gil's worth of library fines and I can't pay them back.

SQUALL: While cleaning the bathrooms, I discovered a secret passageway behind the sinks that took me down underground. There was some treasure and stuff there, but first I had to battle a weird monster and then the janitor got mad at me for killing his pet and sent me here.

SELPHIE: What are you doing here, Irvine?

IRVINE: (proudly) I'm the new Disciplinary Committee!

ZELL: Doesn't there have to be more than one person to make a committee?

IRVINE: Hey! Don't make me punish you for breaking the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 9: Questioning the authority of a member of the Disciplinary Committee. Now let's see what the handbook says... (opens his handbook, and pages through it) If you don't cooperate at detention, you're supposed to get more detention. And cafeteria duty.

ZELL: (sniffs sadly) We've been banned from cafeteria duty!

IRVINE: You have?

SELPHIE: Yeah.

IRVINE: Oh. Well, then. I don't think more detention is good enough for you. You losers will just screw it all up again.

ZELL: What?

SQUALL: Who are you calling a loser, cowboy?

SELPHIE: Irvine! What's happened to you? You're so weird and different! You know we're not losers! Just let us go! We're innocent! As innocent as a baby Ruby Dragon!

IRVINE: (ignoring Selphie) Hey! That sounded like a threat to me! That's a violation of the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 54: Threatening a member of the Disciplinary Committee. You're gonna get so much detention, loser!

SQUALL: No, it's a challenge! I'm allowed to challenge members of the Disciplinary Committee to a fight! It says so right...there!

IRVINE: Well...okay. Prepare to meet your destiny!

Ten minutes later...

SQUALL: That was almost too easy.

IRVINE: (bruised, bleeding, and overall beaten up, he drags himself back into his chair) I'll tell you guys what...if you give me a FullCure, then I'll let you all go free of charges.

SELPHIE: How do we know you're not just tricking us?

ZELL: Yeah! How do we know that you're not just going to use it and then punish us badly?

IRVINE: I won't! I won't! I swear! Just go away before anyone comes in and sees me like this!

SQUALL: Come on, guys. Let's go. Irvine is obviously not the same man he once was. (they leave)

IRVINE: Yes! (uses the FullCure) Oh, that's so much better! Okay, make a note in the handbook: Squall, Selphie, and Zell are exempt from punishment on account of winning a challenge to the Disciplinary Committee. Now, I suspect that evil's still afoot! I had better go find it! (runs off with his Handbook and rifle in tow)

Just inside the front door of the Garden

Fujin, Jake, and Raijin are entering without much fuss.

JAKE: Okay, guys. So far, so good.

RAIJIN: Whaddya mean, "so far, so good?" All we did was walk through the front door, ya know!

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. TRYING, HARDLY.

JAKE: Uh...well it is going good so far! Isn't it?

RAIJIN: (shrugs) I guess so, ya know.

FUJIN: FIND SQUALL, MUST.

JAKE: Okay, where would he be?

RAIJIN: In his room, ya know.

FUJIN: CAFETERIA.

RAIJIN: Or the training center.

FUJIN: LIBRARY.

RAIJIN: Headmaster Cid's office, ya know.

FUJIN: IN CLASS.

RAIJIN: Or in the infirmary, ya know.

JAKE: Whoa! Too many choices! How many places could he be in?

FUJIN: SEVEN.

JAKE: Okay. Rage, you check the cafeteria and the infirmary. Food and I will check those other places.

RAIJIN: Rage?

FUJIN: FOOD?

RAIJIN: It's Raijin, ya know!

FUJIN: And Fujin!

JAKE: That's what I said! Rage and Food!

FUJIN: (exasperated) COME. JAKE, BETTER KEEP UP. (runs off)

JAKE: Hey! Wait! I'm in charge while Seifer's gone! Wait! (runs after her)

FUJIN: (runs around a corner, runs into someone so hard that they both stagger back a few steps)

IRVINE: Hey! Watch where you're going!

JAKE: (runs up) What's going on, Food? Is this Squall?

FUJIN: NEGATIVE. KINNEAS.

JAKE: Hey, Kin-knees. Nice to meet you.

IRVINE: What did you just call me????

JAKE: Uh...

IRVINE: My name is Irvine and don't you forget it!

JAKE: Okay. Irvine, got it.

IRVINE: (glaring back and forth between them) Why were you two running around inside the Garden, anyway?

FUJIN: YOU, LIKE TO KNOW.

IRVINE: You have to tell me! Or else I'll give you detention on account of violating the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 25: Lying to a Disciplinary Committee Member.

JAKE: (in a scared voice) Detention?

FUJIN: DETENTION, CAN'T GIVE. WE, DON'T ATTEND GARDEN.

IRVINE: (ignoring them) Or I might just give you detention anyway, for breaking Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 58: Having evil plans inside the Garden! Or Rule # 45: Running in the Garden!

FUJIN: KINNEAS, NO AUTHORITY. IGNORE.

IRVINE: That's what you think! I'm the Disciplinary Committee!

There is a short, stunned silence.

JAKE: The Discey-airy com-tee? What?

FUJIN: (is so shocked that she forgets to speak in caps) They made you the new Disciplinary Committee? You're our replacement?

IRVINE: Yeah! And I'm doing a good job, too!

FUJIN: I can't believe it! Seifer and Raijin and I come up with evil mastermind plans every week and wreak havoc and everything and then we get replaced by a...cowboy.

IRVINE: ?????

FUJIN: From Galbadia. (says it like it's a sin or something)

IRVINE: Hey! Don't make me punish you for violating the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 39: Belittling a Committee member.

FUJIN: You can't do that! I made up that rule for Raijin! It's not fair! (stamps her foot)

IRVINE: The law has nothing to do with fair, missy.

FUJIN: (arches one eyebrow at him and looks very shadowy)

IRVINE: (ignoring her) Now, are you two gonna tell me what you're doing in the Garden after you've been banned? Or am I gonna have to punish you both on account of breaking the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 97: Carrying out evil plans in the Garden??

FUJIN: We're not carrying out any evil plans!

JAKE: Yet.

FUJIN: IDIOT! (kicks him as hard as she can)

JAKE: (moans and collapses on the ground)

FUJIN: (turns back to Irvine) Anyway, he's not banned from the Garden. I'm here with him.

IRVINE: Who is that, anyway?

FUJIN: Our new not-friend. Jake. He's a jerk. Why are you the Disciplinary Committee? Who authorized this?

IRVINE: Quistis and Matron.

FUJIN: (starts laughing) Ha! That's great! When Headmaster Cid comes back and sees what a mess you've made of things, you've gonna get fired so fast!

IRVINE: Mess? What mess?

FUJIN: Well, even as we speak, Raijin is running free through the Garden, no doubt carrying out our evil plans.

IRVINE: Oh, no!

FUJIN: And that's a violation of Rule # 568: Allowing an evil person to roam free throughout the Garden.

IRVINE: Not to mention Rule # 97!

FUJIN: Yep.

IRVINE: Oh, no! You're right! I've gotta go find him! (runs off)

FUJIN: (snickers) Sucker! (looks down at Jake) Eh, he'll probably be fine where he is! (runs off)

JAKE: (choking) Wait...can't...go...without...me! Boss'll...get...mad! (is in too much pain to continue supporting himself, so he falls back down on the ground) I've never been in so much...pain...in...my...life!!!

Fujin roams around the Garden, and checks Squall's dorm room, the library, the training center, Cid's office, and a few random classrooms, but can't find Squall. She had a little trouble sneaking past Xu to get into Headmaster Cid's office, but once she was in, she had no problems.

FUJIN: (nearly collides with Raijin in a random hallway) WATCH OUT!

RAIJIN: Sorry, Fujin. I'm tryin' to think where Squall might be, ya know? Didja find him?

FUJIN: NEGATIVE. PLAN, QUESTIONABLE.

RAIJIN: Really? I think it was pretty good, ya know?

FUJIN: SAME OLD. NEEDS...ZEST.

RAIJIN: Uh...I guess so.

FUJIN: Hmmm...what would make Squall or the Headmaster or someone really, really, really mad? (thinks for a while) PERFECT.

RAIJIN: What is? Tell me, ya know!

FUJIN: RAIJIN, GET ROPE, BLACK BRIEFCASE FROM TRUNK OF CAR. BRING HERE. I, GET JAKE, MEET YOU.

RAIJIN: Do you have a new plan, ya know?

FUJIN: And how!

In the spare second-floor classroom

EDEA: Rinoa, I'm sorry, but I'm about ready to give up on you.

RINOA: What? Why?

EDEA: We've been working all day long and you can't even lift a pencil!

RINOA: Well, it's just my first day. And I haven't been using my powers a whole lot, either!

EDEA: (muttering under her breath) I can see why. (she has several bruises on her face from where various objects hit her and one large Band-Aid on her arm where a pointer suddenly and spontaneously cut her) Anyway, I'm not seeing a lot of hope for you in the future.

RINOA: What? That just isn't fair!

EDEA: I'm sorry, Rinoa, but your powers have gone untrained for too long. It's difficult to start fresh.

RINOA: Well, things are difficult! Try harder! I'm still learning!

EDEA: Rinoa, who is the older sorceress here?

RINOA: (sulking) You are.

EDEA: And who is the Head of the Garden while Cid's away?

RINOA: (sighs) You are.

EDEA: Right. And when I say that you can't be trained, then you can't be trained. Your powers have gone too long without proper training. They could have been tamed if we had started when you were, oh, say fifteen or younger. Now it's too late. Your powers have not known any limitations. Now they're just...wild.

RINOA: I'll show you wild!

A large textbook with the words "Advanced Monster Study" on it in bright red flies across the room and hits Edea over the head.

EDEA: What the--

RINOA: You're not gonna just desert me, lady! You can't do that!

EDEA: (laughs) I can. I'm a sorceress. You don't possibly think you could stop me from doing anything I wanted to do, do you?

RINOA: I know I can throw stuff at you! Take that!

Another textbook flies at Edea, and hits her between the eyes.

RINOA: Ha! Not so pathetic now, am I?

EDEA: Rinoa, I think you're taking this a little too personally...

RINOA: Everything that's ever happened around here is all your fault! You made Seifer kidnap Squall! You made him do all kinds of bad stuff to the Garden and to people that Squall knew, like me! You put everyone in danger! Now you're finally gonna pay!

EDEA: Rinoa, you're not powerful enough to do any real damage to--

A fish aquarium flies across the room and hits Edea in the stomach, knocking her to the ground.

EDEA: That's it! You're going down!

Rinoa bursts into flames, but doesn't actually do any burning.

RINOA: Hey! Put that out, witch!

EDEA: Make me!

RINOA: All right, then I will! (mentally throws a desk at her, but falls over when a larger desk hits her and knocks her to the ground) You think you'll win but you won't! This won't be over till one of us is dead!

In the parking lot of the Garden

SEIFER: (leans back in his seat and yawns) I wonder what's taking them so long. It never used to take this long before!

IRVINE: (pops up out of nowhere) Hey! What do you think you're doing?

SEIFER: (opens one eye) Oh, it's you.

IRVINE: (points rifle at him and prepares to fire) I said, what do you think you're doing?

SEIFER: Loitering! What does it look like, freak? Now leave me alone or I'll be forced to sic Fujin on you.

IRVINE: I've already tangled with that mess of madness. Now the long arm of the law is pointing to you.

SEIFER: Me?

IRVINE: Yeah! You're violating the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 42: loitering!

SEIFER: What? No way!

IRVINE: Yeah, you just admitted to it!

SEIFER: (waves a hand, uncaring) Pfft. I'm evil. What do you expect? Now, do you mind? You're in my sun.

IRVINE: Is that so??? (aims his rifle, and then knocks Seifer over the head with it. Pulls Seifer's unconscious body from the car.) Hehehe. Another job well done! (drags the unconscious Seifer into the Garden)

In a random hallway in the Garden

QUISTIS: Excuse me, are you all right?

JAKE: (mumbling in his sleep) Rage, Seifer wants yellow ham...

QUISTIS: (shakes him awake) Um, hello?

JAKE: Erzelfrplfn...Huh? Whut?

QUISTIS: Are you okay? You were unconscious on the ground here.

JAKE: It was Food!

QUISTIS: Food.

JAKE: Yeah! Food kicked me and I've never felt anything more painful in my life!

QUISTIS: Uh...huh...

JAKE: Owww, it hurts to move!

QUISTIS: Do you go here?

JAKE: What? No, I...work somewhere else.

QUISTIS: Well, I guess we can take you to the infirmary and the doctors there will fix you right up. It's been a wild day, but you don't want to be around in case the Disciplinary Committee finds you.

JAKE: The dizzy-what?

QUISTIS: (ignoring him) Irvine actually tried to arrest me for loitering! I'm going to have to have a talk with him...later. Here, let me help you up. (does)

JAKE: Thanks...what's your name?

QUISTIS: I'm Instructor Trepe. Do you want me to take you to the infirmary?

JAKE: NO! I mean, ahem, no thanks. I've got some stuff to do around here.

QUISTIS: What kind of stuff? I don't have any more classes; I could help you.

JAKE: Uh... ::I wonder if she's good or evil.:: Nothing I can't handle. I've got to find Francheska or whatever her name is.

QUISTIS: Francheska? I don't think we have anyone named Francheska around here.

JAKE: She's about this tall, with silver hair and an eyepatch...she kicked me really, really, really hard.

QUISTIS: Oh! That's Fujin!

JAKE: Right, Fooling.

QUISTIS: Fu-jin.

JAKE: That's what I said! Fooling!

QUISTIS: Whatever... (suddenly suspicious) Why do you have to find Fujin?

JAKE: Uh...no reason. Bye! (tries to blur away)

QUISTIS: (gets out her whip, cracks it on his back) You're not going anywhere until you tell me what I want to know!

JAKE: Owwww!

FUJIN: TREPE, PROBLEM.

JAKE: Fooling! I've never been so glad to see you in my life!

FUJIN: (glares at him) JAKE, SILENCE.

JAKE: Yes, ma'am.

QUISTIS: What are you doing, Fujin?

FUJIN: TAKING FRIEND.

QUISTIS: This little weirdo is your friend?

FUJIN: (mentally shudders) AFFIRMATIVE. I, TAKE HIM NOW.

QUISTIS: But you're evil! Don't make me call Irvine on you!

FUJIN: KINNEAS, TOO EASY. JAKE, COME. (grabs him by the collar and runs off, dragging him behind her)

In the cafeteria

Squall and Zell are sitting at a table. Zell is stocked up on fries, hot dogs, chili, and fizzy beverages. Squall is eating an ice cream sandwich slowly.

ZELL: (with his mouth full) I'm fo sthad that no one's eating wiff uf! (swallows) I mean, Selphie's all excited about her stupid Sorpa or whatever it is and Irvine's all crazy and Quisty's got classes, and Rinoa disappeared too.

SQUALL: (sadly wipes ice cream off the corner of the sandwich) ::I miss everyone. Where did they all go?::

ZELL: It's really stupid. I think we should convince Selphie that Ruby Dragons are bad again!

SQUALL: ::Hey, that's actually a pretty good idea! But how are we supposed to do that?:: .....whatever.

ZELL: No, listen! Maybe we could just attack her with sacks and kidnap her and brainwash her!

SQUALL: Uh, I don't think that'll work.

ZELL: Aw, you're right. I hate life! (takes a huge bite of a hot dog)

SQUALL: Yeah... (licks the ice cream off the edges of the sandwich)

ZELL: Man, there's gotta be something we can do! Before everything gets out of hand! This is insane!

SQUALL: .............

ZELL: C'mon, Squall! You're good at these sorts of things! Help me out here, man!

SQUALL: .............

ZELL: ...aren't you?

SQUALL: If you say so, Zell. (takes a huge bite of ice cream sandwich.)

Elsewhere in the Garden

SELPHIE: I now call this meeting of S.O.R.D.A. to order. Is there any new business?

Silence.

SELPHIE: Any old business?

Silence.

SELPHIE: Uh...okay. I guess that concludes today's meeting.

KALINDA: (the vice-president of S.O.R.D.A. and Selphie's trusted associate, stands up) Um, Selphie...

SELPHIE: President Tilmitt.

KALINDA: President Tilmitt, some of our members have some things they would like to say to you. Could we open up the floor?

SELPHIE: Sure!

RANDOM STUDENT: Is it true that you killed all those Ruby Dragons in the past?

SELPHIE: No.

ANOTHER STUDENT: We've heard all the stories!

SELPHIE: It's not true!

ANOTHER STUDENT: And we, um, dug up your old file...the truth is all right here. (displays list of Selphie's "killed monsters" list, it includes Ruby Dragons)

SELPHIE: Someone's framing me! That is so not true! Someone's gonna get into mega trouble for this!

KALINDA: We called a meeting earlier this afternoon without you, President. We were impressed with your vigor at the riot at lunch today, but you seem to have changed since then.

SELPHIE: I'm no different! I swear! Save the Ruby Dragon!

KALINDA: I'm sorry, Selphie. We took a vote, and it was unanimous. We think that as President, you should step down.

SELPHIE: (horrified) What???????

KALINDA: I'm really, really sorry. If I could make things different I could.

SELPHIE: Well, you could! You said it was unanimous! Does that include you? Or do you not get to vote?

KALINDA: (embarrassed) Well, yes...I mean, no. I mean, I did vote and it was unanimous. So...yeah.

SELPHIE: This is treason!

KALINDA: Well, I'm not very impressed with your record, Selphie. And Instructor Trepe wrote most of this down, and she's a woman you can trust. A killer of innocent creatures, true, but at least you can trust her.

SELPHIE: But...but...

KALINDA: Step down, Selphie.

SELPHIE: (sniffs sadly and nods)

KALINDA: We need your sash.

SELPHIE: (gives it to her)

KALINDA: And your button.

SELPHIE: (gives it to her)

KALINDA: Is there anything else?

SELPHIE: (bursts into tears) Only the thousands of papers, files, and textbooks on Ruby Dragons that I spent all of my free time putting together! (sniffs again) They're on the desk.

KALINDA: Okay. Please leave so we can continue our meeting.

SELPHIE: (leaves, and sadly drags herself down the hallway) This is the worst day of my life...

In a random hallway of the Garden

Fujin, Raijin, and Jake are strolling down the hall. Raijin has a huge black leather briefcase and some rope in tow. Jake is supposedly leading the way, but he turns around and asks Fujin for directions. Suddenly, a mysterious figure darts out of a hallway and runs into Raijin.

RAIJIN: Hey! Watch where you're goin, ya know?

IRVINE: I don't have to watch where I'm going! I'm the Disciplinary Committee!

RAIJIN: (looks like he's going to cry) What?

IRVINE: Why don't you watch where you're going? I've been looking all over the place for you! You're coming to the Disciplinary Room with me right now!

RAIJIN: But...Fujin?

FUJIN: RAIJIN, CONTROL EMOTIONS.

RAIJIN: How could they replace us???

IRVINE: Well, you were expelled from the Garden on account of being evil. That's not in the Handbook, but it's pretty important!

FUJIN: Someone talking to you, cowboy?

IRVINE: Cowboy?

FUJIN: Yeah! Just shut up and leave us alone! Raijin, are you okay?

RAIJIN: (sniffs pitifully) No, ya know...

FUJIN: RAIJIN, EMPATHY.

RAIJIN: Thanks, ya know...

JAKE: What is the matter with you people, anyway? Time is money!

FUJIN: (looms over Jake evilly) JAKE, PROBLEM?

JAKE: Uh...

FUJIN: YOU, DON'T KNOW PLAN. CAN'T COMPLAIN. I, KNOW PLAN.

IRVINE: Hey! This is a violation of the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 89: being evil inside the Garden.

FUJIN: There's no rule like that!

IRVINE: Sure there is. They invented it after Seifer went all crazy and everything.

FUJIN: SEIFER, NOT CRAZY.

IRVINE: (shrugs) Whatever. The point is, you're all coming with me!

FUJIN: Show a little empathy for a creature in pain! (pats Raijin, who is sobbing, on the back) ALL FOR BEST.

RAIJIN: We--we went t-t-t-o all that trouble, and, and, and then... (sniffs) Ya know?

FUJIN: (sympathetically) AFFIRMATIVE.

IRVINE: Hey! Pay attention to me! I'm the Disciplinary Committee!

JAKE: And we have to leave! Come on guys! Seifer's gonna get mad!

FUIJIN: RAIJIN, FEEL BETTER.

RAIJIN: (wails) How can I feel better, ya know?

FUJIN: ::Maybe he could maul Jake...nah, we need him for our plan.:: KINNEAS, PROBLEM. TAKE CARE OF.

IRVINE: Did you just say what I think you said?

FUJIN: NEGATIVE. (turns back to Raijin) WELL?

RAIJIN: (brightens) Hey, yeah! Fujin, you always know how to make people feel better, ya know!

FUJIN: TRY MY HARDEST.

RAIJIN: (gets up and pulls out his staff-thing, then hits Irvine over the head with it.) I do feel better! There's nothin' like a good ass-whuppin' to make me feel better, ya know!

FUJIN: JAKE, TAKE CORPSE.

JAKE: What? He's not...dead, is he?

FUJIN: NEGATIVE. TAKE HIM.

JAKE: Hey! Who's in charge here???

Fujin and Raijin stare blankly at him.

JAKE: Raijin, you take the corpse.

RAIJIN: (looks hopefully at Fujin)

FUJIN: RAIJIN, SORRY. JAKE, NECESSARY.

RAIJIN: (muttering under his breath) I always have to do everything, ya know!

They walk off down the hall, dragging the unconscious Irvine behind them.

Just outside the Garden

Zell and Squall are pulling on a ten-foot-tall crate, on which is written "DANGEROUS! Do not open!"

ZELL: Man! This thing is sooo heavy!

SQUALL: (grunts) Yeah.

ZELL: You would think that--argh--a Ruby Dragon would weigh just...a....little less than a thousand pounds.

SQUALL: Yeah.

ZELL: But we shouldn't worry about it cuz once we release this thing in the Garden, Selphie will see how bad Ruby Dragons are and then she'll be happy again!

SQUALL: Yep.

QUISTIS: (walking up) Hey, guys. What are you doing?

ZELL: Uh...

SQUALL: (using his magnificent brilliance, he cuts in and saves the day) We're delivering this important package to Edea.

ZELL: Yeah! That's it!

QUISTIS: (snorts) Good luck!

ZELL Whaddya mean?

QUISTIS: Edea and Rinoa are trying to kill each other in the second-floor spare classroom. Don't even try to interrupt them, because the only person who did now has a pipe lodged in their back and we can't get it out.

ZELL: Whoa.

SQUALL: Who's winning?

QUISTIS: Who knows? But try not to go on the second floor at all because sometimes the magic gets loose and does stuff to people. When I passed the door, all the lights went out and the floor turned into sandpaper.

SQUALL: But Rinoa's okay, right?

QUISTIS: Oh yeah! Rinoa's the one who started the fight!

SQUALL: Ha ha! Good for her! (at Quistis' glare) Uh, I mean, how could she?

ZELL: Wow! Won't one of them get hurt?

QUISTIS: Nah. Edea doesn't actually want to hurt Rinoa, and even if she did, Rinoa's got just enough power to block whatever Edea throws at her, so she's okay. Also, Rinoa isn't powerful enough to hurt Edea, so she's okay too.

ZELL: That is so cool! I gotta go see this!

SQUALL: Zell, no! We've gotta deliver this very important package! I guess we'll just leave this package in Cid's office with Xu.

ZELL: (pictures a Ruby Dragon with Xu) Uh, yeah!

QUISTIS: How exactly do you plan to get that thing in the elevator? Or even through the front door?

SQUALL: Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something.

QUISTIS: (eyes the "package" as the Ruby Dragon inside starts thrashing angrily and makes some growling noises despite the muzzle they put on it) What's in there, anyway?

ZELL: Uh... (looks at Squall for help)

SQUALL: We don't question Matron's decisions, Quistis.

QUISTIS: Oh, okay. Do you guys want some help with that? It looks really heavy.

ZELL: Yes! Please help us!

QUISTIS: (grabs a rope and pulls) Ohmigod! What's in there? It's so heavy!

SQUALL: Well, whaddya expect from such a huge box?

QUISTIS: Why does this package have air holes in the sides?

ZELL: Those aren't air holes! They're, uh... (looks at Squall)

SQUALL: Quistis, I hope you're not questioning Matron's decisions. Because, you know, while Cid is gone, she's making all the decisions.

QUISTIS: I never said that! I just wanna know why there's air holes in Edea's very important thrashing package! I mean, what if she's gone evil again?

ZELL: Oh, she's not. She was very clear about this. She said, "Zell and Squall, I want you to get this package for me and do not question the air holes in the sides because they're very important!" Yep! That's what she said!

SQUALL: (slaps forehead) ::That's it! Our cover's blown!::

QUISTIS: (suspiciously) And when did she say this to you?

ZELL: Uh... (looks at Squall for help)

SQUALL: (shakes his head) ::You totally wrecked everything, you get out of it.::

ZELL: (looks back at Quistis) Uh...earlier.

QUISTIS: When earlier?

ZELL: How should I know? I don't wear a watch!

QUISTIS: Oh, fine. I'm just afraid she's smuggling illegal monsters into the Garden or something.

ZELL: (waits a second, then laughs too loudly) Ha ha ha! That's crazy! What kinda moron would do that kinda thing? Ha ha ha!

QUISTIS: You know, that's the exact question that came to my mind when I saw you two with this package.

SQUALL: I think it might be a new monster for the training center or something. We don't exactly know.

QUISTIS: Why don't you just look through the air holes?

ZELL: Uh... (looks at Squall)

SQUALL: What if it hurt us?

ZELL: Yeah! It might have tentacles and stab us in the eyes or something! And it would hurt a lot! Yeah!

QUISTIS: Touche.

ZELL: Well? Ya gonna help us?

SQUALL: Or stand around and question Matron's authority?

QUISTIS: I never--(sighs) Never mind. I guess I'll have to trust you guys. I would help, but I've got a class to teach in, um... (checks watch) Five minutes. If you guys need some help, there's a super-hover-dolly in the storage room in the Garden. See you later! (leaves)

ZELL: Whew! That was close!

SQUALL: No thanks to you! "Do not question the air holes in the sides because they're very important?" (slaps Zell upside the head) You moron! You almost got us in trouble!

ZELL: Nu-uh!

SQUALL: Yeah! Quistis would have sent us to Irvine, and then we would have gotten into real trouble!

ZELL: Eek! You're right!

SQUALL: Next time, let me do the talking, you big stupid guy.

ZELL: Okay, fine...

SQUALL: Now go get the super-hover-dolly-thingie and bring it back here. We need as much help as we can get for this thing!

ZELL: Maybe if we just put it in a dimensional bag..?

SQUALL: How do you plan to pick it up, you moron?

ZELL: Oh. Right. Isn't there a...dimensional...something? That we could put it in?

SQUALL: I don't think so. Just go get the super-hover-dolly!

ZELL: Kay! I'll be back here in a jiffy! (runs off)

RUBY DRAGON: RK##(N#FJ#(HCEJK#(&HJE)(#&!!!!!

SQUALL: You and me both.

The second-floor hallway

XU: (knocks on spare second-floor classroom door) Edea? There's a very important message from Headmaster Cid, and I think you should look at it.

Silence, except for the sounds of screaming and the occasional bolt of lightning.

XU: (knocks again) Edea? There's a message from Headmaster Cid for you.

Still silence, punctuated by muffled shouts coming from the spare classroom.

XU: Edea? (slowly opens the door) Hello?

The spare classroom is a wreck. It looks somewhat burned, and damp. The lights have gone out, and the computer, which lies smashed on the floor, is sparking angrily. There are desks, bits of wood, and suspicious pieces of Rinoa's and Edea's outfits all over the floor. The classroom appears to be empty until...

EDEA: (jumps out from behind desk) Take that! (shoots bolt of lightning in Rinoa's general direction)

RINOA: (also jumps out from behind another desk) Was that your best shot? (mentally throws a flowerpot at Edea's head)

XU: (has gone completely white) Oh. My. God...

EDEA: I'll show you best shot!

Water suddenly floods the room. Rain pours out of the ceiling, and lightning flashes. A sudden wave knocks all three of them underwater. The wave washes them out into the hallway. When the water level has dropped considerably, Xu finds Edea and Rinoa beating each other up: throwing punches, tearing clothes, ripping hair, biting, and scratching.

RINOA: Try to defeat me, will you? Drown me, will you? I'll drown you in your own blood! (punches Edea in the face)

EDEA: (screams) You can't do anything to a real sorceress, girl! Get off of me! (shoves Rinoa off, then attacks her, and pulls her hair)

RINOA: OOOOOWWWWW!!!

XU: (alarmed) Oh, no! Edea! Rinoa! Stop! Stop! Stop! Please stop! Edea, I've got a very important message for you from Headmaster Cid...

EDEA: &)(!!!

RINOA: Whoa! Did my virgin ears just hear you say "darn?" You senile old witch!

EDEA: Tramp!

RINOA: Hag!

EDEA: I'll hag you! (hits her, then pulls a fire extinguisher off the wall and throws it at her)

XU: Eek! This has got to stop!

RINOA: (ducks under the fire extinguisher and grabs a random student's weapon off the ground.) Now the odds are a little more even!

EDEA: (laughs) You can't defeat me! I'm a sorceress!

RINOA: Oh, yeah? Watch me! (runs at Edea, swinging the sword-like thing viciously)

XU: No! This is completely out of hand! Please stop! Before someone gets hurt!

NIDA: (comes sliding up through the water) Xu! What's going on!

XU: (near tears) Look! They're trying to kill each other!

NIDA: But...Headmaster Cid...

XU: Yeah! Tell me something I don't know, Nida!

NIDA: Well? What should we do?

XU: I don't know! I don't know!

EDEA: (catches the sword and throws it away) Fight me like a real woman, you little vagabond! (pounces on her, rips her long blue skirt-like thingie)

RINOA: (kicks Edea in the face) A real woman doesn't use her powers as a crutch, witch! (attacks her, and they fall down the stairs and end up in the lobby-like place of the Garden.)

XU: (running down the stairs) Oh, no! This is awful! This is disastrous! What would Headmaster Cid say?

NIDA: (running after her) What should we do, Xu?

XU: Why are you asking me?

NIDA: Well, after Edea, you're in charge.

XU: No, Squall would be!

NIDA: Where is Squall? He's not here, so take charge!

XU: Fine. Stop the fight. (shoves him at Rinoa and Edea)

EDEA: Question my authority, will you? Challenge me to a sorceress' duel, will you? I'll teach you a lesson! (mentally grabs a bench and throws it at Rinoa)

RINOA: (the bench rams her to the ground) OW! (struggles to get up)

NIDA: (gets shoved by Xu) Wait! Stop!

EDEA: Get away, Nida! Don't meddle in matters not your own!

NIDA: But--there's an important message for you from Headmaster Cid! Ow!

A shoe suddenly hit Nida in the head.

RINOA: (crawls out from under bench, and throws her other shoe, but this time it hits Edea) I'm still goin' strong, old woman! Show me what you're made of!

EDEA: That's exactly what I plan to do! (looks around, then rips the directory sign out of the ground with her mind and throws it at Rinoa. It hits Nida.)

NIDA: Ow! I am in such pain!

RINOA: That's your best shot? Even I can do better than that! (drags the sign off of Nida, hitting him in the eye in the process. She then picks it up mentally, drops it on Nida accidentally, and then throws it at Edea.)

XU: Oh, no! This is going all wrong! Nida's only getting beaten up! I guess I'll have to stop this myself!

EDEA: (ducks under flying sign, and throws a potted plant at Rinoa) You're worthless and useless! You should burn!

RINOA: (spontaneously bursts into flames) Hey! Stop that!

A storm suddenly starts, complete with thunder and lightning, and is completely inside the Garden's lobby.

RINOA: (attacks Edea, and they both start punching, biting, scratching, etc.)

NIDA: No! Stop! (throws himself on them. Rinoa isn't burning anymore, but she's kinda warm.) Ow! Hot! Stop it! Edea! Rinoa!

XU: STTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPP!!!

Rinoa and Edea suddenly cease their fighting and look around. The lobby of the Garden is a wreck. Students are huddled in large groups behind corners and other protective things.

RINOA: Oops. Sorry.

EDEA: Yes, yes. Everyone, get along with whatever you were doing. Go on, go on!

NIDA: (is bruised, broken, and bleeding) There's...a...message...from...Headmaster...

XU: (running up) What is going on? Are you two all right?

RINOA: Oh, we're fine!

EDEA: Just letting off a little steam! Now what was your message, Nida?

XU: Headmaster Cid's coming home early.

EDEA: (gets up, and notices a damp and shocked-looking Cid standing in the doorway with a cluster of men in suits around him)

XU: And he's bringing a group of school investigators over for a surprise visit.

CID: ..................................

EDEA: Uh...hello, honey!

NIDA: (collapses on the ground, unconscious)

In a random classroom in the Garden

Fujin, Raijin, and Jake have tied Irvine to a chair and gagged him. Going by Jake's orders, Raijin is attempting to figure out how to use the phone so that they can call Seifer, while Fujin is attempting to figure out how to hook up the video camera.

JAKE: Come on! You guys are slow! Pick up the pace here!

FUJIN: (as the video camera sprays her with sparks) TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

RAIJIN: Yeah! This stupid thing is hard ta figure out, ya know?

IRVINE: (opens his eyes and tries to remember what happened)

JAKE: Well, hurry up! We don't have all day!

FUJIN: (rolls her eye) YOU, DON'T KNOW PLAN.

JAKE: So? I'm still in charge! Just ask Seifer when Raiding gets the phone working! Speaking of which, I'm thirsty. Hey, gofer! Get me something from the Coke machine!

RAIJIN: (glares at Jake)

JAKE: What are you waiting for? Go!!!!

RAIJIN: (sighs and leaves, muttering under his breath.)

JAKE: (stands over Fujin, monitoring her every move) No! That obviously doesn't go there, idiot. Put it there. No, there! No--you moron! Can't you do anything right? No, take the third blue wire and entwine it with the seventh purple one...

FUJIN: (throws video camera into corner. It throws sparks everywhere.) YOU TRY.

JAKE: What? That was our video camera!

FUJIN: I, CARE, NOT. PIECE OF CRAP. MY WAY, EASIER.

IRVINE: HB$UN()&B#$&T!$#&IU&RT!!!!!

FUJIN: KINNEAS, SILENCE. (turns to Jake) PRISONER, AWAKE.

JAKE: What do we do with him?

FUJIN: LEAVE. DON'T TOUCH. KINNEAS, ONLY MAKE TROUBLE.

IRVINE: #QDGHU&UHJR()ONMGR!!!!!

JAKE: What did he say?

FUJIN: I, CARE NOT.

JAKE: (rips out Irvine's gag) What?

FUJIN: (sighs) JAKE, IDIOT.

IRVINE: You're gonna be so sorry! This is a violation of the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 56: kidnapping a Committee member.

FUJIN: PROFOUND APOLOGIES.

IRVINE: Yeah, there had better be! There'll be even more once you bucketheads realize that I've abducted Seifer and hidden him somewhere in the Garden.

FUJIN: WHAT?

JAKE: Oh, no! He's got Seifer! What do we do??? My life no longer has meaning!!!

FUJIN: You were ordered off the Internet! Your life never had meaning! KINNEAS, BLUFFING. DON'T WORRY.

JAKE: Are you sure?

FUJIN: KNOW FOR CERTAIN. ONCE PHONE IS FIXED.

RAIJIN: (comes back in, throws a can of root beer at Jake) Here ya go, Jork.

JAKE: Did you just call me Jork?

RAIJIN: Yeah, ya know!

JAKE: That's it, Railing! I've had it up to here with you and your pranks!

FUJIN: That's Raijin!

JAKE: And you, Filming! Don't even get me started on you!

RAIJIN: Her name is Fujin!

JAKE: That's what I said! No wonder Seifer replaced you two!

FUJIN: (glares wickedly at Jake, then turns to Raijin) FIX PHONE. NOW.

RAIJIN: (does, but not as quickly as it looks)

FUJIN: (dials Seifer's cell phone number, despite Jake's protests. After a few minutes, she hangs up) No one answered.

IRVINE: What did I tell you? You can't do anything to me cuz I kidnapped Seifer for violating Rule # 42! Now he's somewhere where he won't do any more loitering!

FUJIN: LOITERING???

RAIJIN: Hey! I made up that rule, ya know!

IRVINE: Yeah, well, now Seifer's in a safe place. A very safe place.

FUJIN: MATTERS, NOT.

RAIJIN: WHAT???

JAKE: What?

FUJIN: SEEDS, DON'T KNOW. THEY, DO AS WE SAY.

RAIJIN: (snickers) Fujin, you're a genius, ya know!

FUJIN: (beaming) AFFIRMATIVE. JAKE, MICROPHONE.

JAKE: What? Hey, who's in charge here???

FUJIN: JAKE, MICROPHONE!

JAKE: (gives Fujin the microphone)

FUJIN: (pauses, trying to think about what kind of announcement she wants to make over the intercom. Something that would let the Garden know that their Disciplinary Committee is no longer functioning.)

The Garden suddenly shakes but doesn't actually move. There are loud rumbling sounds coming from somewhere below them.

RAIJIN: What was that, ya know?

FUJIN: KNOW, NOT. SHOULD INVESTIGATE.

JAKE: Let's go!

FUJIN: Wait! Let's take the cowboy with us!

IRVINE: What? Why? What makes you think I can do anything useful while tied to a chair?

FUJIN: You could escape and dispose of Seifer. JAKE, HANDCUFFS.

JAKE: (gives Fujin a pair of handcuffs)

FUJIN: (wrestles Irvine out of his bonds and into the handcuffs.) RAIJIN, WATCH KINNEAS. LET'S GO. FORGET WEAPONS, DON'T.

IRVINE: Don't I get a weapon?

EVERYONE: NO!!!!!

They leave the room, herding Irvine in front of them.

In the lobby of the Garden

SQUALL: I think we're just about there!

ZELL: You think? grunt Be sure!

SQUALL: I think I'm sure!

They are shoving the crate with a Ruby Dragon in it through the halls of the Garden. The crate is getting scraped against the walls and is in danger of imploding.

SQUALL: Yes! I can see the lobby from here! Hurry up!

ZELL: This had better make Selphie happy again! I can't believe all the trouble this is taking! I could be watching T.V.!

SQUALL: Or grunt going to classes.

ZELL: Yeah...do you think it sounds kinda mad?

SQUALL: (listens to the Ruby Dragon)

RUBY DRAGON: DNJK$(R#IUFN#IETY$H!!!!!

SQUALL: Nah, I think it's just hungry. We'll find it a steak or something once we let it out. I'm sure one of those cafeteria ladies will be glad to help!

ZELL: I dunno...they're kinda ungrateful!

SQUALL: That's what you think! And only because they wouldn't let you eat all their food!

ZELL: But it was so good and tasty!

SQUALL: Ah, you're a moron! Let's just get this Ruby Dragon into the lobby and make Selphie happy again and get this over with!

VOICE ON OTHER SIDE OF CRATE: Ahhh! Stop! Whoever you are, stop! I'm going to be crushed by this huge crate!

SQUALL: Whoops. (yells) Sorry about that!

ZELL: Who is it? Tell him to get out of our way!

SQUALL: I can't see anything! (yells) Could you move out of our way please?

VOICE: I'm not going anywhere until I know what's going on here!

SQUALL: Great. Zell, go beat up the jerk.

ZELL: (crawls around crate, and pulls himself out into the lobby) Hey, man, you've gotta get outta our way, cuz...we...uh...

The lobby is a mess, with broken walls and furniture and puddles everywhere. Edea and Rinoa are standing together, clothes ripped, hair askew, and bodies bruised, looking somewhat abashed. Nida is practically dying on the floor, and Cid and a bunch of nicely-dressed men are standing in front of the crate.

ZELL: Headmaster Cid! You're home early! Really, really, really early!

CID: What is going on here? First I learn that my wife has been picking a fight with the leader of SeeD's girlfriend, and then this big crate just about crushed me! What is that crate, anyway?

ZELL: Uh...it's a really, really, really long story, Headmaster. I think you should just...uh...leave.

CID: (looks like he's about to yell, but the crate suddenly moves forward again) Hey! Cut it out! Who's doing that?

ZELL: Squall. It was all Squall's idea.

CID: Squall? Squall did this? (sighs, then turns to Edea) How did this happen? I leave you alone running the Garden for a day, and...look...

Squall pushes the crate out into the lobby, and turns white.

SQUALL: Headmaster Cid! Uh...how are you?

CID: Squall, are you responsible for this huge crate?

The Ruby Dragon suddenly bursts free of its crate and starts flying around the Garden, alarming SeeDs and students, and generally wreaking havoc. It keeps attacking people, and breathing fire in all directions.

SQUALL: Uh...maybe a little.

At that moment, Fujin, Raijin, Jake, and Irvine burst in.

IRVINE: Help! Someone rescue the Disciplinary Committee!

CID: What Disciplinary Committee? We don't have a Disciplinary Committee!

IRVINE: (proudly) I'm the Disciplinary Committee!

CID: Edea...dear...

EDEA: (laughs weakly)

JAKE: AHHHH! What is that thing?

FUJIN: (looks up) It seems to be a Ruby Dragon...

RAIJIN: What should we do, Fujin, ya know?

JAKE: Yeah, Fool-rin! What should we do?

FUJIN: ::Oh, I get it. Now that everything's going wrong, I'm the one who has to clean up the mess!:: I don't know...we need to find Seifer!

CID: Oh, no! No one's going anywhere until everything is normal again! (turns to school inspectors) I'm terribly sorry, gentlemen. This isn't actually the way our school normally functions...

INSPECTOR # 1: Let me just say this, Kramer: if the door weren't blocked, we would be running.

CID: ::&##(!!!:: Well, let me assure you, thing will be fine again in just a few moments. (turns to Edea) Edea, dearest, could you...uh...dispose of the dragon?

EDEA: Sorry. Can't.

CID: What?

EDEA: I'm all dried up. I need to rest for a while before I can do any more fireball-throwing.

RINOA: Hey, I hear ya loud and clear, Edea!

SQUALL: (notices Rinoa for the first time) Hey, Rinoa. Are you okay? Did you win?

RINOA: Nah, we called it a draw. On account of someone interrupting... (glares at Nida and Xu) What's going on? What's this big crate?

SQUALL: Well, it did have a Ruby Dragon in it, but he kinda escaped...and I think he's hungry.

RINOA: (stares at him)

SQUALL: ...I'll explain later.

JAKE: (walking up) Hey, who's this?

SQUALL: This is Rinoa, and I'm Squall. Who're you?

JAKE: I'm Jake. Nice to meet ya, Rhino. You too, Skmall.

RINOA: Did you just call me a rhino???

JAKE: Uh...no... (runs back to Fujin and Raijin) Guys, what do we do?

FUJIN: WAIT. BEST BET.

RAIJIN: Yeah, I think she's right, ya know? Unless Irvine'll tell us where Seifer is, ya know?

IRVINE: I'm not saying a word till you untie me!

SELPHIE: (looking dejected, she wanders in, then screams) AHHHHHH!!! IT'S A RUBY DRAGON!!!! KILL IT! KILLLLL ITTTTTT!!!!!

ZELL: Whoa! Selphie went crazy! (runs up to Selphie) Look, it's a Ruby Dragon!

SELPHIE: I can see that, you idiot! What's it doing in the Garden?

SQUALL: We thought it would make you feel better...

SELPHIE: .............

SQUALL: ...cuz Ruby Dragons are really very dangerous and stuff, and you don't want to save them at all.

SELPHIE: You idiots!!!

ZELL: What? What'd we do?

SELPHIE: They're very dangerous and we don't want to save them! And you let one loose in the Garden!!!!!!!!

SQUALL: I'm starting to see a few loopholes in our plan, Zell.

ZELL: You too, huh?

A few feet away...

FUJIN: KINNEAS, NEED PERSUASION?

IRVINE: No! No persuasion! I'm not gonna tell you anything! Seifer stays where he is! You at least have to untie me first!

RAIJIN: Do ya think we should untie him, Fujin?

FUJIN: NEGATIVE. KINNEAS, BLUFFING.

IRVINE: (wailing) Why would I be bluffing when there's a Ruby Dragon over our heads and Squall's arch-nemesis' lackeys have me handcuffed and are threatening me????? How could this get any worse?

A few feet away...

CID: You never had to recharge before! Why can't you now?

EDEA: Well, I haven't fought in a sorceress' duel since before we were married, dear. It really took a lot out of me.

CID: You went through all that battling with Squall and you never needed to recharge!

EDEA: Stop saying recharge! I'm not a battery! I'm a person! I just need about a days' rest before I can do any more magic.

CID: We don't have a day! This Ruby Dragon is wreaking havoc in my Garden! How could you let this happen, Edea?

EDEA: You forget that I've been very busy today, Cid.

CID: Yes, but--

XU: (points up at the sky) DUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK!!!

Everyone throws themselves to the ground. The Ruby Dragon swoops down and then flies up to perch on an apparently very strong rafter or beam or something. It looks content.

CID: We're missing someone!

RINOA: We are?

ZELL: No, we're not!

CID: Yes, we are! Just a moment ago, there were sixteen of us, and now there's only fifteen.

SQUALL: No offense or anything, Headmaster, but I think we're all here.

SELPHIE: Yep. All the important main characters are still here.

Fujin and Raijin exchange a glance.

RAIJIN: (whispering) Do ya think Seifer'll be mad?

FUJIN: Not if we rescue him before he realizes what happened! Come on, let's go! (they run off)

IRVINE: Waaaaaiiiitt! My haaaaaaandcuuuuuufffs! (runs after them)

RINOA: (looking up) How are we gonna kill this thing?

ZELL: Hey, Squall! Use your gunblade!

SQUALL: What? I can't!

ZELL: Why not? It's got a gun on it, doesn't it? Just shoot the dragon!

SQUALL: (examining his gunblade) I think the gun part is just a pretty way to hold the sword-part of it.

CID: All right, everyone. Let's just stay calm here. Squall, choose a couple people to battle the dragon with you, since you've done it before, and--

SELPHIE: Wait! Excuse me, Headmaster Cid, but I did a lot of reading on Ruby Dragons today. Since I was the President of S.O.R.D.A, I had to read up and do some research, you know?

EDEA: (impatiently) And?

SELPHIE: Sorry, Matron...they're allergic to baby powder.

EVERYONE: Baby powder?????

SELPHIE: Yeah. Don't ask me why, they just are. So if we get a whole lotta baby powder, we can stun it or knock it out or something long enough to kill it!

XU: Great! So...who's got ten tons of baby powder?

Somewhere near the Disciplinary Room

IRVINE: (breathing hard, running after Fujin and Raijin) Wait...up...guys! You've...gotta...take...these...off!

FUJIN: NEGATIVE. (looks around) Raijin, is anyone else around?

RAIJIN: (looks around, too) No. Go for it, ya know!

FUJIN: (grabs Irvine by the collar and slams him up against the wall) Listen to me, you punky little cowboy! You're not getting out of those things until you take us to where Seifer is and let him free! Got it?

IRVINE: (whimpers)

In the Disciplinary Committee Room of Temporary Arrest

Seifer is sitting in a corner of the small, cramped, and almost full room he woke up in. The last thing he remembers is talking to Irvine. He's spent the past half hour alternately comforting his cell mates and swearing to kill Irvine once he's out of the cell.

WENDY: (sobbing) I never meant to do him any harm! I just thought that things weren't working out, and I was as gentle as I could be!

ANOTHER STUDENT (JANET): Now we all know how it feels, Wendy. He arrested me for talking to my friend in a hallway during class. We had a free period!

ANOTHER STUDENT (BILL): He always seemed like such a nice guy! I mean, he's a little on the bizarre side, but all of Squall's friends are like that!

TREPIE # 28: Except for Quistis! (sighs) Instructor Trepe, how I love thee...

SEIFER: What're you in for?

TREPIE # 28: Committing acts of adoration on Garden grounds.

SEIFER: What kind of acts or adoration?

TREPIE # 28: (embarrassed) I was doodling a picture of Quistis. Irvine said that that kind of thing is completely wrong in a school environment. He said that relationships between teachers and students are disgusting. (starts crying) But it was legal! I was in her fan club!

SEIFER: Maybe someone's out there! (shoves his way through the crowded room, to the door. First he tries to open it, then he bangs on the door) HEELLLLLLP! SOMEONE LET US OUT OF HERE!!!!

Silence.

STUDENT (JACK): (claps Seifer on the shoulder) It's okay, Seifer. If you can't get out of here, no one can.

SEIFER: ::I swear, I'm gonna kill that Irvine kid so bad!!!:: You would think that my lackeys would realize that something was wrong and come after me. I mean, I just hired a brand-new one today! Off the Internet!

EVIL STUDENT (LANCE): Seifer, I've been down that road before. Lackeys from the Net are just cheap knock-offs, man.

SEIFER: (sighs) The first thing I'll do when I get out of here is sack Jake. After killing Irvine. Then I'll treat Fujin and Raijin to ice cream!

LANCE: That's the spirit!

There is a loud clanging sound. Everyone falls silent. The door creaks, then opens. Behind it is...

SEIFER: Fujin! You rescued me!

FUJIN: (proudly) AFFIRMATIVE.

RAIJIN: An' me! I helped too, ya know!

SEIFER: (coming out of the cell into the Disciplinary Room) Where's Jake?

FUJIN: Uh...

RAIJIN: Uh...

SEIFER: Cuz I'm gonna fire him! He's no match for you guys! I love you guys! (hugs them)

FUJIN: JAKE, GONE.

SEIFER: Really? Where is he?

RAIJIN: Does it matter as long as he's gone, ya know?

The other students are trickling out and leaving, to go back to their lives.

SEIFER: I guess not. As long as you're sure he's gone?

FUJIN: (snickering) PERMANENTLY.

SEIFER: Wow. You guys are great! Now, where's Irvine? I wanna kill him!

IRVINE: (who hid himself in a corner) Please don't hurt me! It's against every rule in the Disciplinary Committee Handbook!

SEIFER: (rolls up sleeves) I'll show you handbook!

FUJIN: SEIFER, CEASE.

SEIFER: What?

RAIJIN: Without Irvine, we never woulda been able to rescue you, ya know?

SEIFER: Oh. Okay then, I guess he can live.

IRVINE: Thank you so much! I swear never to arrest any of you again!

FUJIN: GOOD.

SEIFER: Now let's all go celebrate with a big bowl of--

QUISTIS: (walking in) What's going on here?

EVERYONE: ..............

QUISTIS: The Garden is a wreck! We've taken care of the dragon but Cid is absolutely livid! He wants all three of you...oh, Seifer's here too? All four of you downstairs. Right now.

FUJIN: HAPPEN, WON'T.

RAIJIN: Yeah! We weren't doin' anything wrong! We were just doin' what Seifer told us to, ya know!

SEIFER: Yeah! And I'm evil! What do you expect?

QUISTIS: Very well...you three have ten seconds to leave the building. If you're not gone in exactly ten seconds, then you'll have to face Headmaster Cid.

SEIFER: What?

QUISTIS: Ten...

RAIJIN: We can't do that, ya know! We're not fast enough!

QUISTIS: Nine...

FUJIN: Seifer! What do we do now?

QUISTIS: Eight...

SEIFER: The window.

They all dive out the window and hurt themselves badly on the pavement but they use FullCures and are fine in a few minutes. They get into the car and drive home to have some ice cream.

QUISTIS: (looks stunned and blinks. They weren't supposed to actually make it!)

IRVINE: Wow. With seven seconds to spare!

Later that evening

Irvine, Selphie, Rinoa, Squall, and Zell are all sitting around in the cafeteria, relaxing after a long day.

IRVINE: I just think you guys are lucky that Quistis loves baby powder so much.

SELPHIE: I know! She supplied, like, 99 of our baby powder!

IRVINE: I can't believe how much action I missed today! Rinoa actually got into a fight with Matron...

RINOA: And I didn't lose!

ZELL: You didn't win, either.

RINOA: But I didn't lose!

IRVINE: ...Squall found some buried treasure...

SQUALL: Now that was exciting!

IRVINE: ...Selphie became the President of S.O.R.D.A...

ZELL: And then got sacked!

SELPHIE: Do you mind??? That's a very tender subject! (takes a huge bite out of her chili sandwich)

IRVINE: ...You guys got banned from cafeteria duty forever...

SQUALL: Thank you very much!

SELPHIE: Now that's something we can use in the future!

ZELL: (breaks down crying)

IRVINE: ...And you all slayed a dragon!

SELPHIE: (cheerfully) And let the cafeteria ladies grind his stomach into chili while the Stupid Offensive Ruby Dragon Association looked on!

RINOA: And let's not forget your adventures, Irvine!

IRVINE: Yes, let's not!

RINOA: You became the Disciplinary Committee.

SELPHIE: And broke a lot of stuff around the Garden.

ZELL: And tried to arrest people for crimes they didn't commit.

SQUALL: And got beaten up by yours truly! Thank you, thank you.

IRVINE: Okay, I think that's enough remembering about me now.

SELPHIE: (finishes off her chili sandwich) I'm just glad that Headmaster Cid isn't too mad. But now he knows better than to go on cruises without us.

ZELL: And leave Matron in charge!

IRVINE: Yep!

SELPHIE: And those education guys didn't even get mad at Cid for having a messy Garden!

SQUALL: I think Edea and Rinoa contributed to that fact.

RINOA: I wasn't as tired as I thought I was! And there's no harm in holding a bunch of stupid guys up in the air until they agree to forget this ever happened! None at all!

ZELL: Hey, does anyone know who it was that got eaten by the Ruby Dragon?

IRVINE: Oh, it was Fujin and Raijin's friend. He called me Kin-knees. I say, good riddance to him.

RINOA: What was his name?

IRVINE: I think it was Jake or something like that.

RINOA: Oh, it's way better that he died. He called me a rhino!

SQUALL: And he called me Skmall!

SELPHIE: (giggles) Skmall! That's your new nickname...Skmall.

SQUALL: D'oh!

ZELL: I don't think I met that guy...but Fujin and Raijin didn't seem too upset over it.

RINOA: Oh, well. Better luck next time!

SELPHIE: What happened to Fujin and Raijin, anyway?

ZELL: Who knows? They probably ran off and died somewhere or something.

RINOA: Why weren't they with Seifer?

IRVINE: Because I locked Seifer up in the Disciplinary Committee's Room of Temporary Arrest. On account of violating the Disciplinary Committee Handbook Rule # 42: loitering.

SELPHIE: You locked him up?

RINOA: Is he still there?

IRVINE: Oh, probably. ::Along with all those other troublemakers I found!::

SQUALL: How long are you going to keep him there?

IRVINE: As long as I need to. Maybe we can make some cash off him, if Fujin and Raijin give us ransom money or something.

RINOA: (sarcastically) That's very brilliant of you, Irvine.

IRVINE: Thanks. I thought so, too.

ZELL: So, you didn't get fired or anything?

IRVINE: Nope! Headmaster Cid loves me and my work! I'm just a law-abiding guy.

SELPHIE: You're doing a pretty good job, too. I mean, you've got Seifer locked up in the Disciplinary Committee Room of Temporary Arrest. That's pretty impressive.

IRVINE: It's all in a day's work, Selphie.

QUISTIS: (walks past) Oh, Irvine, I've got a message for you from Headmaster Cid...you're fired.

IRVINE: (stretches) Yep...all in a day's work.

The End