Pillar of Strength

There's a part of me that can't help wondering what Naru would do if she knew. That thought is best left buried deep in my subconscious, but sometimes it manages to rise to the surface. I always push it back down again, because I literally cannot imagine how bad it would be if Naru – or any of the others – found out. I could say goodbye to my daughter for a start. Besides, how could I ever explain why it happened? Even if Naru would listen, what would I tell her?

I was lonely? I can't see her buying that, even though it's the truth.

Of course it was more complicated than that, a lot more. I needed a friend, in the truest sense of the word, and Haruka turned out to be the only one I could turn to. She accepted me for who I was and didn't judge or criticise me at all. That year, when I was applying to Toudai for the third time, trying to get the girls to accept me and struggling with more self doubt than I've known before or since, I desperately needed comfort and reassurance.

Haruka gave me that – and I loved her for it.

It's strange, but despite the nature of what we had together my feelings for her weren't really passionate or lustful. After I began to see her . . . in a certain way . . . I noticed she was attractive in a way I never had before, but that wasn't what made we want to be . . . close . . . to her. It was the easiness of being with her that I found attractive, the way there was never any pressure or game playing. Not that there wasn't a certain amount of tension, for obvious reasons, but none of that stemmed from Haruka.

It was just a result of the situation we were in.

To be honest I still don't know how it happened. I think my feelings for her kind of crept up on me and by the time I was aware of them there was a certain inevitability about it all. I suppose I always knew on some level that it would never last, but people have a way of ignoring even the most obvious things when they really want to. I just didn't think about it, in the same way that I didn't think about the way people would react to what Haruka and I were sharing during the time that we were together. Once I got over my initial nervousness about that I was surprised by how easy it was to be with her.

Relaxing probably isn't the word that most people would use to describe an incestuous relationship, but it fits.

So I looked forward to the time I shared with Haruka and the passion I had for her was a reflection of how much I appreciated being with someone who helped me find a measure of peace and companionship. Our whispered conversations in the dead of the night meant more to me than I can put into words. But time passed and things changed in both our lives. I began to get on better with Naru and it seemed like something was growing between Haruka and Seta as well. We never actually discussed it out loud. We just knew, one night, that it was the last time.

I like to think that each of us gave the other something they needed, and when the time came to move on we did so with no regrets.

Is it wrong of me to wish, just occasionally, that Haruka had just been someone I met one day rather than my aunt? I love Naru – a lot – but we have to work so hard at being together. It's worth it, but still . . .

What would it have been like to be with someone I never had to prove myself to?

Author's Notes

In my mind 'Until The Cherry Blossoms Fall' had one major problem, from a technical viewpoint - it didn't take Keitaro's point of view into account. I wrote this to find out what he was thinking.