"But if Ryan ever really spoke, his rage might burn down the world." www.villagevoice.com

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Newport seems quiet around me, like for once everything is calm and people are starting to get along, but I don't think that will ever be the case. This one town is like the mass representative of my life. Lies, deceit, alcohol the only thing that's really different is that this town has money, something I've had to learn to live without. Even when I did come to Newport and Seth tried to convince me that money is what parents are for, I still couldn't take the Cohen's money without feeling guilty, or like a burden to them.

The silence seems to continue around me though as I walk along the beach, even the sound of the waves crashing against the large rocks in front of me seeming distant and out of reach. My vision is becoming off as well, everything's becoming blurry like I'm looking through a wall of water, but I think that all just might be from the blood loss that I've lost over the past hour of leaving the Cohen's home.

I think it took me twenty minutes or so just to get to the end of their street, and no one came out to stop me, so I know that everything I ever had in Newport is gone. Even what little stuff I brought with me from Chino is still back in the pool house, and I know I can't go back for it, not unless I want to be arrested for assault on my lawyer.

My legs are becoming weak under me as I keep my hand pressed to my side, and I finally give up on walking while I slowly allow my body to collapse to the soft ground below me. The moon can be seen above the ocean, and it's a clear night unlike any other back in Chino. The wind coming up off the ocean lightly blows the sand around on the beach, and I slowly lean back until I'm lying on the sand, my hands draped over my stomach with one of them covering my injured side.

There's tears crawling to the corner of my eyes as I stare up blankly, trying to remember what my life was like when I was younger, before my dad left and before my parent's started turning to alcohol to solve their problems. I was too young when I became an adult, when my dad was taken to jail and I had to start taking care of my mom who quickly turned to drugs and liquor to cope.

The Cohen's have tried to turn back the clock, make me back to a kid who needs to loosen up and leave in the now, while he's still young. They think it's easy going from an independent person who's had to learn to keep himself alive without the help of others, to a teenager who's dependent on people he hasn't even know for a year.

The night sky above me becomes blocked as someone's face appears in front of me, and I don't even blink when I hear Jimmy Cooper saying my name, trying to get me to open my attention to him. His hands feel cold against my neck as he shoves his fingers against it, trying to find my pulse, and I continue to lay still as he begins to lightly shake my body, repeatedly trying to get me to respond to him.

"Ryan… Ryan come on, talk to me."

His voice is panic stricken and filled with worry, and it becomes even more so as my eyes begin to slide close against my own will, the effects of the blood loss finally beginning to get to me as my mind becomes foggy and distorted.

"Don't Ryan, you need to open your eyes for me… I'm going to get you to a doctor, but you need to stay with me."

"N-no doctors. No hospitals."

I open my eyes a small slit, trying to focus on the now blurry face in front of me, and Jimmy puts his hands under my armpits, pulling me into a sitting position so that the weight of my body is fully against his.

"Come on Ryan, you've got to help me out a little. We need to get you some help."

"No hospitals."

My voice is firm despite how weak I am, and Jimmy quietly agrees, seeing the look in my eyes that says I'm not going anywhere unless I approve.

"No hospitals, at least let me take you home."

I close my eyes tightly at the words, them hitting me like a blow to the chest, and Jimmy's movements stop.

"Ryan, come on man, you've got to keep your eyes open. I need you to help me get to the car. It's just a little ways away, we'll be there in no time…Ryan… Ryan talk to me."

"I have no home."

My words are so quiet that I don't even hear them, and I shakily raise my hand to my face, trying to wipe the few escaped tears from my face but being too weak as my hand drops back down to my side. Jimmy's only still for a few more seconds, like he managed to hear what I said, and I'm caught off guard when he puts his arm under my knees, struggling with my weight as he manages to pick me up.

I struggle at first, trying to get him to put me down, but I quickly go limp in his arms when I realize that there's no fighting now, my body's beginning to give up and I can't stop it. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe it's time I leave all the pain and suffering behind. What would it really matter anyways, what have I really got to lose now?

After a few minutes of stumbling through the sand, Jimmy finally reaches his car and leans me against the back door, keeping one hand pushed against my chest to keep me from falling as he opens the passenger door. I feel like I've lost all control of my body, and my eyes seem to have become permanently closed. I mumble something lowly, the words to incoherent for either Jimmy or even I to understand, and my body is moved limply into the passenger seat before the silent clicking of the seat belt is heard.

I wince at the sound of the door beside me closing, and I brace myself for a repeat of the sound when Jimmy closes his door. Bracing myself doesn't seem to prepare me for what's next though as I feel a hand slip into mine, and Jimmy squeezes it tightly as the engine starts up.

"I know you don't like hospitals kid, but at this point, I don't think we've got a choice."

I can feel the car going in reverse as he talks, and I try to squeeze his hand back, not knowing why exactly but doing it nonetheless. I give up after strained effort, and as he switches the car to drive, my head that was resting against the headrest before softly thuds against the side window, the cold from the glass causing me to squeeze my eyes closed a little tighter, trying to suppress the oncoming headache.

I hear the faint sound of Jimmy talking to someone, presumably on his cell phone, and I strain to hear him as he gives someone my description, telling them that we're only five minutes away. A sudden chill manages to escape into my body, and I involuntarily shudder, not bothering to fight with the darkness that consumes as I pass out.

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"Ryan… Ryan honey, come to me."

I open my eyes a little too fast and shut them quickly as a blinding light encircles me. After a moment of allowing my pupils to adjust, I slowly reopen my eyes and look in front of me, trying to find the voice that seems to echo throughout the wind blowing on the beach.

"Ryan, it's time to come back to me. We can be a family again, we don't have to worry about all that other stuff like before, just come to me."

I feel my chest tighten when I recognize the voice, and I turn around quickly, feeling my heart jump into my throat as she stands in front of me. She's got a smile plastered across her face, something that I haven't seen since I was three or four, and I stand frozen as she walks towards me, her arms open wide.

The second she envelops me in her arms, my legs give out from under me and I collapse into her, feeling her slowly kneel down as my knees come in contact with the sand.

This isn't happening, I know this isn't happening. It's a bad dream, this all is a really bad dream. I feel a tightening in my chest, choking off my air supply, and I try to pull away from her arms without any success.

"We'll be a family again. Me and you kid, now we can be together forever. I knew you would find your way back to me."

I shake my head furiously, writhing in her grasp helplessly while trying to get air in my now burning lungs. This isn't how it was supposed to be, she isn't supposed to be here waiting for me. Death is supposed to be my only escape, my only release for all the pain she put me through, now I don't even have that.

I close my eyes tightly and struggle against her with all my strength, her grasp finally loosening after a few moments until I frantically push myself away from her, backing away until I feel my back hit something hard and I open my eyes, my eyes becoming blurred with tears as a group of nurses and doctors look down at me frantically, the Cohen's and Mr. Cooper standing behind them with the same look on their faces.

There's a needle sticking out of my wrist as I sit in the corner of the trauma room, and a doctor grabs my wrist, holding it firmly as I try to pull it out.

"Ryan, I need you to calm down. We're only trying to help you."

A nurse behind the doctor walks up with one hand behind her back, and I frantically kick and try to push the doctor away as he struggles to keep me still, allowing the nurse to grab my arm and inject me with the needle she was hiding behind her back. I see Kirsten gasp in shock when I finally manage to get my wrist free from the doctor and pull the I.V. needle out of my arm, causing a small bead of blood to appear on the surface of my skin.

I'm tired of this, tired of fighting for nothing; what exactly am I fighting for anymore? My life, my happiness, my family? This is where I want it to end, where I want to rid myself of everything, but I can't die, she'll be waiting for me if I do. So what is left, what more can I do?

My thoughts don't seem to get further than that before I feel the sedatives beginning to kick in, and my eyelids begin to get heavy as I stop struggling with the doctor, my body becoming relaxed against my wishes as my eyes slide closed once again.

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