Many thanks to Queriusolefor reviewing once again! I hope that you enjoy this chappie as much as you have the other ones! Bansheecallthank you very much for reviewing…and I really love your screen name, just to let you know. J LadyLupinLoverI hope you enjoy this part. It's kind of different, and so it was hard for me to write. I'll be looking for your review!!! Mac1 great to see a new name…don't see many all the time. I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: The story's characters still do not belong to me. The song, "Let Me Down," belongs to Limpbizkit.
Part VI:
Let Me Down
Heartbreak is a headache,
Like a toothache or an earthquake.
Spontaneous combustion
Leaves a taste that so disgustin'
And it don't go away too fast
He watched her kiss James Potter enthusiastically, feeling like retching right into his dinner plate. Was there really any reason she was with Potter? He doubted it immensely.
To Potter's right was that pauper Lupin. Severus's lip curled up with disgust. That Lily Evans would associate with such…animals was unreal and unnerving for the sixteen year old. Especially since he wanted to protect her.
Pettigrew was laughing at something Sirius-the bastard of the group-said. Severus bet it wasn't even all that funny.
She kissed him again.
God, she was a wench.
It hurt his heart to think that about her, although he would never admit it.
She wasn't. He really didn't think that about her.
And at that moment Sirius noticed him staring and lifted a chin and nodded half-assed. Severus truly hated Sirius in that moment and wished him the most painful, serious death he could think of…he wasn't even worthy of the death curse. He hoped beyond hopes that the death Sirius fell to would be slow and agonizingly painful. And he wished that Potter and Pettigrew and Lupin would all be there to witness it. It was the ugliest thing he could think of so early in the morning.
He watched, hypnotized as Lily's reddish gold hair caught the sunlight that streamed in from the castle windows.
Every part of her was alive.
She honestly made him want to be alive as well. She almost-almost-made him want to be in Gryffindor.
No girl though, was worth the shame of being in Gryffindor. He kept repeating that. It was his mantra, especially now, now that he wanted her as badly as he did.
It was a harsh, blinding reality to be in the position that he was. Where he was, gulp, in love with a girl classes different than his own.
I'm a window made of broken glass
I've never needed anything,
Anything but you
And that's what wrong
That's what I get
For feeling this
He gave up eating all together, having lost all appetite as soon as Potter's hand slipped to the small of Lily's back. Her shirt, she wasn't wearing her robes quite, rode up a bit and Severus was warmed upon seeing her milky white skin.
"Fuck," he muttered, truly irritated that she was invading his thoughts like this.
Potter was grinning, his glasses sliding down his stuck-up nose. Lily was laughing and pushed the glasses up, setting them properly upon his beak.
Severus was convinced the reason they did this, the reason Potter did this, was to piss him off royally. There was no other reason than this. Potter knew, he just somehow knew how Severus felt and therefore rubbed his good fortune in his face, shoving his nose into it until his nose, long though it was, was completely covered in Potter's disgustingly good fortune.
Severus hated the man.
He hated Potter nearly as much as Sirius and quite a bit more than he did Lupin, werewolf or not.
And wrapped thickly around that hatred was a hot, scarring love for Potter's girlfriend.
He looked down the Slytherin table, keenly aware that he was the only y not talking to someone else.
Even in Hufflepuff, no one seemed to be left alone…Ravenclaw there were plenty of couples. He was the only one…then his eyes drifted down to the Gryffindor table again, noting the one lone person, aside from himself.
While he sat with Potter, Evans, Black and Pettigrew, Lupin wasn't talking. He was sitting mutely. Every once in a while nodding as one of his friends asked him a question.
But Lupin's silence was forced, Severus knew. Lupin had no choice but to be alone, lest there be another werewolf in their midst.
He hated to be the only alone one…left to be alone with a werewolf.
"Why don't you just fuck her?" a silky voice propositioned from behind him.
Severus's back stiffened instinctively.
He didn't care much for Lucius Malfoy either, Slytherin or not.
He didn't say anything to Lucius, even as he and his girlfriend, Narcissa Black sat down next to him.
"She may be a Mudblood but she's good enough for a fuck, I reckon," Lucius said. Narcissa remained silent next to him and Severus briefly wondered whether or not she ever spoke. He didn't know if he'd ever heard her say one word.
"Full ass, nice tits, I'd fuck her," he added.
Severus continued to eat in silence. He knew very well that Lily Evans had a nice ass and tits. He'd spent enough time under her tutoring to know that.
Lucius made an obscene gesture and stood up sharply. Then he snapped his fingers. Narcissa stood immediately and quietly, meekly, followed him down the way to the other end of the Slytherin table.
Anyway…
Just let me know
All I'll miss
When I'm gone
Just throw it all away…you let me down
Like everybody says…you let me down
Write me off like yesterday…you let me down
Oh, I guess that your not good enough to be with me
He steeled himself against Potions with Gryffindor.
Lily was already sitting at a table with two of her friends. She was smiling and pushing away a strand of red hair. Her eyes, those strange emerald green eyes, were glittering, even in the cold dungeon's darkness.
She turned, feeling his eyes on her, and smiled hesitantly. She seemed to know not what to do, what he expected of her.
"Afternoon Snivellus," Sirius's grating voice entered his train of thoughts. "Keep dreaming," he said softly. And then, with an awful glint in his eye, "And in the event you're actually thinking of laying her, I'll send Lupin on you."
Remus appeared behind his friend. "Leave him alone Sirius. I'm sure his thoughts weren't directed indecently toward anyone."
Severus looked towards Lupin curiously. For his part, Lupin only looked at him. There was hatred in those silver, gray eyes. But behind that hatred there was something else, something Severus knew very well.
A loneliness.
It seemed then that they were alike.
James walked in then, more like floated in (in Severus's demeaning mind), and threw a smile in Lily's direction before appraising Severus coolly.
Severus turned away, knowing it was useless to stand there anymore.
James and Sirius sat behind Lily, Remus and Peter sat across from them. Lily turned then and Severus could hear her chastising the both of them for the adolescent behavior. She didn't look in his direction once.
Rumors are tumors
Of the sick and mainly useless
When you come to me with these things
It's the shit that I can't deal with
Severus sat in the back of the dungeon room alone. He was quiet back there, really didn't make any noise. But he could feel the hatred seething beneath the surface. Hatred for Potter and his friends. Hatred mixed with a harder to define feeling for Lily.
He forced himself to focus on what Professor Nightly was saying. And then, he threw himself into his work.
He put ingredients into his cauldron rather harshly. Stirred with a vengeance. He refused to let them get to him. He refused to care any more about Lily Evans than he already did. He refused to care at all anymore…
He was especially adept to brewing potions so it was a bit more than a little shock when the cauldron exploded, painting his face with pink and orange goop.
It stung. It stung a lot.
He felt someone push him down in the seat that was behind. Then the person wiped away the stuff with a damp cloth.
When he could finally open his eyes, Lily Evans was looking him right in the face with a soft, delicate smile. In the background he could hear her friends laughing. Why wasn't she laughing with them?
"Are you alright there, Severus?" she asked finally.
He got the distinct feeling that she meant it. She wasn't teasing him. She wasn't looking for ammo to get him back with later on.
"Merlin, Severus, this stuff is dangerous," she managed. "You could have really hurt yourself."
She smiled before wiping some more of the exploded potions off of his face. "There, all better."
Professor Nightly finally made it to the back of the room, where he promptly shoved Lily out of the way and yelled at Severus for mucking up a simple potion. He could hear sniggering from his classmates, Gryffindor and Slytherin alike. Black's laugh was perhaps the loudest though.
Still I gave you all of me,
Faithfulness and honesty
Prayed for God to bring you near,
Along with all these tears
And that's what wrong
That's what I get
For feeling this
Anyway…just let me know
All I'll miss when I'm gone
He managed to make it halfway down to the Infirmary before hearing the thudding steps of someone running to catch him.
"Severus, wait!"
Lily's voice was loud and serious. He stopped immediately but did not turn to face her.
She came so close to him that he could feel her body's heat. "Never mind them. They're just a lot of idiots."
When he didn't say anything she touched his arm lightly in question. "Severus?"
He bristled at her hand on his arm. "Did you know I love you?" he asked suddenly.
Her intake of breath was sharp. "Please don't," she finally whispered.
Her breath tingled on the back of his neck. "Don't what?" he asked bitterly.
"Don't say things you'll regret later," she answered breathily.
Just throw it all away…you let me down
Like everybody says…you let me down
Write me off like yesterday…you let me down
Oh, I guess that your not good enough to be with me
He whipped around in order to face her. "What if maybe I'm not saying things I'll regret later? What if I told you that you're beautiful? That the few hours we've spent studying together are some of the best memories I have-
"Severus, please-
"Please what? Don't say things I'll regret? Maybe I'm saying things you'll regret?" he shot back angrily.
"Severus-
And then he kissed her. He pulled her to him nearly violently and kissed her just as hard. So hard, she knew she'd have a bruised mouth the next day.
Lily found the strength to push away from him, their lips breaking contact just as James and Sirius came barreling down the winding stairs.
"Hey! Is there a problem here?" James asked loudly. His voice was harsh and his gaze going between Lily and Severus.
He stayed silent, waiting for Lily's response. "No James, there isn't a problem," she replied, her gaze still wide and on Severus's. She briskly turned to face the other Gryffindors. "I was only apologizing to Severus for your behavior!" she chastised. Still, they didn't look the least bit worried.
Severus looked down at Lily, unable to take his eyes off of her.
He should hate her, he knew. He should hate her for toying with his affections. He should hate her for going back to those smarmy rats; especially Sirius. He would like nothing better than to hex that smug grin off of Sirius's ugly face.
But he looked down at Lily and he couldn't hate her, no matter how hard he tried.
I'd like to thank you
For lettin' me know I can feel this way
Feel this way
For letting me know I can feel
In a second's time he thought he heard her apologize. He knew she was apologizing for more than her friend's rude behavior.
"Fuck it, I'm going to the Infirmary," Severus announced irritably and without looking at any of them any more, he walked away.
Just throw it all away…you let me down
Like everybody says…you let me down
Write me off like yesterday…you let me down
Oh, I guess that your not good enough to be with me
He walked away with a stiff upper lip, and back, refusing to let feelings for her…or anyone for that matter, get in the way of his judgment. And forget ever trusting someone again...someone he could love. Fuck them all.
Just throw it all away…you let me down
Like everybody says…you let me down
Write me off like yesterday…you let me down
Oh, I guess that your not good enough to be with me