Self Preservation
ImmortalFlick
Warnings: Slash. Mention of abuse.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. The song belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls and is 'Iris'.
Summary: Sirius has always loved James. In the name of self preservation he will never tell him. Slash. Marauders time.
A/N: I could easily write more chapters to this, so let me know if you want them.
*
Self Preservation - Chapter 1
*
I've always felt this way. For as long as I can remember I have loved him. But I can never have him. He is the untouchable. Above me. Beyond me. And all I will ever be to him is a friend. A good friend. But just a friend.
*
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
*
I used to watch him. All the time. Just wishing I could kiss him. Or even just tell him how I feel. Remus has been watching me lately. He thinks I'm depressed. He's probably right. Then again, to anyone who knows me, depressed for Sirius Black is just him not bouncing off the walls.
I'm not bouncing off the walls anymore. I can hardly lift my own two feat. James hasn't noticed. He's smitten with Lily. I suppose I can't blame him. She is very pretty. And smart. And serious. One thing I am not.
Even old McGonagall has pulled me aside and asked what's wrong. I told her nothing but the old bat didn't believe me. She asked if I'd had an argument with Jamie. I said not exactly and asked why. McGonagall pointed out that we weren't exactly connected at the hip any more. James spends a lot of his time with Lily and the Marauders has practically been cut down to three.
*
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
*
He looks so innocent when he sleeps. I wonder if he knows I watch him. I wonder if he'd hit me if he knew I did. My bed is across from his. I can hardly help but watch him. His eyes flutter. I wish he wasn't across from me, but with me. Next to me.
Even if I did ever manage to kiss him, I know it would be the first and last time I'd ever get to touch him. He'd probably beat me up or something. Jamie wouldn't do that maybe, but he'd never talk to me again. I don't think he knows how much he means to me.
*
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*
I don't want everyone to know. Remus knows. I can see it. Maybe he can smell the way I feel whenever I see James. I hear werewolves can do that. Maybe he sees the way I look at Jamie. Remus is observant. Maybe he knows the way I rely on my friend.
The world can tear me apart. My parents will. Disinherited. Disowned. Kicked out. Whatever you wanted to call it. My dad would probably beat me up first. He does that when he's really angry.
I want to tell Jamie, but something stops me every time I try. There is no way he'll ever know. But how I wish he'd understand how I feel. Know why sometimes I just have to be alone. To shout and scream.
*
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive
*
I don't want to cry in front of him. I can't anyway. Crying is weak. Remus looks at me funny more often now, as I back further and further away from the Marauders. He knows I love the meaning of the Marauders. The pranks. The laughter. The pure exhilaration.
I lie to him when he asks. He lies back when he says he believes me. I think Remus just wants me to be happy again. I'd go to the ends of the earth to make Jamie happy and if leaving him to be with Lily and my being unhappy to achieve that, so be it.
It hurts though. To see him kiss her. Touch her. Hug her. But it makes me feel more real to know that I'm hurting. For him.
*
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*
He knows how I feel. He must! I am slowly dying away with him away from me. He's been there all my life. I can't imagine a world without him. I may as well just die if he wasn't there.
He isn't mine. He never will be. I can't hold him. I can't touch him. I can't be with him. I can't love him.
*
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*
I suppose it's an act of self preservation to run. To run and hide. To lie. To pretend. I can't be bothered pretending to be me any more. I'm not the same Sirius. Not without Jamie.
Remus and I had a talk yesterday. He told me that if I can't be happy, try to find it elsewhere. That's how I confirmed that he knows. His message was rather cryptic, strange and all together said in a funny way, but it was clear enough. He wanted to save me.
From what? Was I going to jump off a cliff? Who knew what I was going to do? I certainly don't. There's nothing special about Sirius Black when he's bouncing off walls, he's okay then. But when he's calm, oh there's worry. I guess that's what's expected of me. When I'm calm it usually means that something's really wrong. I was calm when I was sorted into Gryffindor. That summer father beat me up a few times. He was mad. I'd disgraced the family. Thank Merlin I'm good at magic. If I was a squib... I don't even want to think about it.
*
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*
Again, I say, I've always felt this way. I can't remember a time when I haven't loved James Potter with all my heart. I suppose I always will.
And it will be an act of self preservation to run from him. To hide and to lie. I suppose it always will.
But when he's gone... then I'll know. Then I'll know I'd never have told him how I felt. Never have told him how much he meant to me. But then, I suppose it won't matter. He has Lily.
*
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
*
Was that: Great? Good? Bad? Terrible? Wait no, don't tell me if you hate it, I can't stand flames. Hope you enjoyed it. Do you want another chapter? Hmmm. If there are enough good reviews... (was that motivation enough?). Please review.
ImmortalFlick
Warnings: Slash. Mention of abuse.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. The song belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls and is 'Iris'.
Summary: Sirius has always loved James. In the name of self preservation he will never tell him. Slash. Marauders time.
A/N: I could easily write more chapters to this, so let me know if you want them.
*
Self Preservation - Chapter 1
*
I've always felt this way. For as long as I can remember I have loved him. But I can never have him. He is the untouchable. Above me. Beyond me. And all I will ever be to him is a friend. A good friend. But just a friend.
*
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
*
I used to watch him. All the time. Just wishing I could kiss him. Or even just tell him how I feel. Remus has been watching me lately. He thinks I'm depressed. He's probably right. Then again, to anyone who knows me, depressed for Sirius Black is just him not bouncing off the walls.
I'm not bouncing off the walls anymore. I can hardly lift my own two feat. James hasn't noticed. He's smitten with Lily. I suppose I can't blame him. She is very pretty. And smart. And serious. One thing I am not.
Even old McGonagall has pulled me aside and asked what's wrong. I told her nothing but the old bat didn't believe me. She asked if I'd had an argument with Jamie. I said not exactly and asked why. McGonagall pointed out that we weren't exactly connected at the hip any more. James spends a lot of his time with Lily and the Marauders has practically been cut down to three.
*
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
*
He looks so innocent when he sleeps. I wonder if he knows I watch him. I wonder if he'd hit me if he knew I did. My bed is across from his. I can hardly help but watch him. His eyes flutter. I wish he wasn't across from me, but with me. Next to me.
Even if I did ever manage to kiss him, I know it would be the first and last time I'd ever get to touch him. He'd probably beat me up or something. Jamie wouldn't do that maybe, but he'd never talk to me again. I don't think he knows how much he means to me.
*
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*
I don't want everyone to know. Remus knows. I can see it. Maybe he can smell the way I feel whenever I see James. I hear werewolves can do that. Maybe he sees the way I look at Jamie. Remus is observant. Maybe he knows the way I rely on my friend.
The world can tear me apart. My parents will. Disinherited. Disowned. Kicked out. Whatever you wanted to call it. My dad would probably beat me up first. He does that when he's really angry.
I want to tell Jamie, but something stops me every time I try. There is no way he'll ever know. But how I wish he'd understand how I feel. Know why sometimes I just have to be alone. To shout and scream.
*
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive
*
I don't want to cry in front of him. I can't anyway. Crying is weak. Remus looks at me funny more often now, as I back further and further away from the Marauders. He knows I love the meaning of the Marauders. The pranks. The laughter. The pure exhilaration.
I lie to him when he asks. He lies back when he says he believes me. I think Remus just wants me to be happy again. I'd go to the ends of the earth to make Jamie happy and if leaving him to be with Lily and my being unhappy to achieve that, so be it.
It hurts though. To see him kiss her. Touch her. Hug her. But it makes me feel more real to know that I'm hurting. For him.
*
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*
He knows how I feel. He must! I am slowly dying away with him away from me. He's been there all my life. I can't imagine a world without him. I may as well just die if he wasn't there.
He isn't mine. He never will be. I can't hold him. I can't touch him. I can't be with him. I can't love him.
*
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*
I suppose it's an act of self preservation to run. To run and hide. To lie. To pretend. I can't be bothered pretending to be me any more. I'm not the same Sirius. Not without Jamie.
Remus and I had a talk yesterday. He told me that if I can't be happy, try to find it elsewhere. That's how I confirmed that he knows. His message was rather cryptic, strange and all together said in a funny way, but it was clear enough. He wanted to save me.
From what? Was I going to jump off a cliff? Who knew what I was going to do? I certainly don't. There's nothing special about Sirius Black when he's bouncing off walls, he's okay then. But when he's calm, oh there's worry. I guess that's what's expected of me. When I'm calm it usually means that something's really wrong. I was calm when I was sorted into Gryffindor. That summer father beat me up a few times. He was mad. I'd disgraced the family. Thank Merlin I'm good at magic. If I was a squib... I don't even want to think about it.
*
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*
Again, I say, I've always felt this way. I can't remember a time when I haven't loved James Potter with all my heart. I suppose I always will.
And it will be an act of self preservation to run from him. To hide and to lie. I suppose it always will.
But when he's gone... then I'll know. Then I'll know I'd never have told him how I felt. Never have told him how much he meant to me. But then, I suppose it won't matter. He has Lily.
*
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
*
Was that: Great? Good? Bad? Terrible? Wait no, don't tell me if you hate it, I can't stand flames. Hope you enjoyed it. Do you want another chapter? Hmmm. If there are enough good reviews... (was that motivation enough?). Please review.