Self Preservation
ImmortalFlick
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. The song is 'I Want Love' by Elton John.
Thanks:
TouchstoneoftheCharter: Thanks. Excellent. I am continuing, I don't know if this will meet expectations but too bad.
Silice-Black: Thank you. Soon. Very soon. Keep reading.
absinthe-shadow: Great. Here ya go, not sure 'bout so much angst in this chappie but later.
Prongs1: Thank you heaps, this is the second, there will be a few more. Thanks again.
The Evil Cup of Tea: Cool. *little thank you of gratefulness*
c[R]ud[E]dly: I'm not too fond of them either, but that's life. I do, but I won't argue my case because I'm too lazy. Basically it's his imagining how they were when they were closest friends but know they aren't. So no kisses, but friendship? Ah well, review anyway! 'Cause you probably won't like this song either so ignore it if you will!
Daintress: You might not think so but look at the way Sirius just radiates the 'I'm with James' vibe! Oh, just ignore me. Thanks.
*
Self Preservation - Chapter 2
*
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"Let's just get going."
"James!"
"What?"
"Fine." Lily stomped off.
I stand frozen, confused. Just 'cause I didn't want to make out. Lily was sometimes too high maintenance. Not that she wasn't a nice person. I was only worrying about Siri. Only problem is, Lily hates Sirius. Not hates. Loathes. I don't see why. He's great. Funny too.
Lily gets so worked up sometimes. Sometimes she goes too far, last year she brought up marriage. I freaked and yelled her out of the room. She never spoke about it again. Until yesterday. That's why we're a little rocky today.
I don't want marriage. I don't want commitment. I don't want children. I don't want the perfect, average 1.5 kids. I definitely don't want to be normal.
*
I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated
I want love just
a different kind
*
I don't want to be my parents.
It's funny I should bring them up. No, actually, it's not. My parents got married young. Really young. They were around my age, still in school. My father had an arranged marriage which he didn't want to go along with, my mother hated her parents, who wanted her to marry a medi-wizard.
So my mother and father got together. My father knocked my mother up and then married her. This effectively solved all their problems. Except now they had a brat to look after. They were spoilt rich kids who didn't look out for consequences. My grandparents wouldn't let Cecily, my mother, abort, so there was nothing they could do about it.
Both teens already had a huge inheritance piled up in their Gringotts accounts, so they had it made. If only they weren't tied to each other, and their child. They both decided the best thing to do was just to have the kid and hire a nanny. The second thing they did was something quite common among wizarding families. Father found a mistress. Mother found a lover.
They don't even sleep in the same room. Divorce is unknown of in the wizarding world, it is much more popular with muggles. So they all commit what muggles would call 'adultery'. So much for fidelity. I never liked that both my parents were manipulating, disloyal and selfish. How did they end up in Gryffindor?
*
I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart
*
I never, ever, want to be like my parents. I told Lily I'm saving myself for marriage. She told me that was archaic. I told her she was a bitch. We didn't talk for a week.
When ever I think of marriage or even the dreaded word, commitment, I freeze up. I can't speak and I think of all the times my parents crossed each other's paths and argue. They'd yell. They'd scream. Mother would throw vases, pots, portraits, anything. Father would just swear, occasionally slap her, I excuse those as it's only when she's hysterical.
When I was small, and still thought my parents were like everyone else's and loved me, I got into the middle of one of those fights. After that particular incident Georgia, my nanny, was patching me up because Cecily had thrown a vase at me. Broke on my shoulder, had shards in my arm and left cheek.
Turned out she didn't care whether it was me or father arguing with her. My father really couldn't bring himself to care either.
*
But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
*
I don't want that kind of love. Or rather, hate. Marriage is not the kind of love I want. It doesn't prove anything other than regret. My parents may be tied, but I'll never make that mistake. I don't want to become the cold bastards they are.
Lily sometimes reminds me of my mother. Irrational. Unreasonable. That's probably why I hate her sometimes.
*
I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic
*
She might love me. That would ruin me. I can't hurt her, as much as I hate her sometimes, I can't just dump her and say I've been stringing her along.
I don't want what my parents have. I can't stop thinking that. I know that doesn't work, I've seen what it can do to you.
I can't stop thinking about Sirius though. He's been so... down. And he's slowly inching away from me. I have hardly spoken two words to him since Saturday. Look at him, he's getting thinner everyday! Gaunt is the word. I can't just not do anything.
*
But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
*
I've got friends, a lot of them actually, the Marauders are my closest friends. Sirius knows everything there is to know about me. Or he used to. Now he seems to pull away from me. Grimace when I touch him. Why? I've never hurt him.
I know my friends love me. I know that I haven't been around them lately. I know I hate myself for it. I also know that I need my friends. I need them far more than they'd ever need me.
If you want to find the true meaning of need you'd just have to take a look at me. I have nothing when my friends aren't around. Nothing but Lily Evans. And I don't even love her. I am pitiful.
*
So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough
*
Lily is every man's dream. She'd be a perfect wife. A perfect mother. A perfect woman. I don't want that! What is wrong with me? I don't want the perfect woman! I want Sirius!
What?
Wait?
Back a bit...
Sirius?
That's new.
*
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated
I want love just
just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
*
I don't want the perfect woman.
But I want Sirius?
What?
I am so confused.
*
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
*
End of Chapter 2
Sorry it's a bit short. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review.
ImmortalFlick
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. The song is 'I Want Love' by Elton John.
Thanks:
TouchstoneoftheCharter: Thanks. Excellent. I am continuing, I don't know if this will meet expectations but too bad.
Silice-Black: Thank you. Soon. Very soon. Keep reading.
absinthe-shadow: Great. Here ya go, not sure 'bout so much angst in this chappie but later.
Prongs1: Thank you heaps, this is the second, there will be a few more. Thanks again.
The Evil Cup of Tea: Cool. *little thank you of gratefulness*
c[R]ud[E]dly: I'm not too fond of them either, but that's life. I do, but I won't argue my case because I'm too lazy. Basically it's his imagining how they were when they were closest friends but know they aren't. So no kisses, but friendship? Ah well, review anyway! 'Cause you probably won't like this song either so ignore it if you will!
Daintress: You might not think so but look at the way Sirius just radiates the 'I'm with James' vibe! Oh, just ignore me. Thanks.
*
Self Preservation - Chapter 2
*
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"Let's just get going."
"James!"
"What?"
"Fine." Lily stomped off.
I stand frozen, confused. Just 'cause I didn't want to make out. Lily was sometimes too high maintenance. Not that she wasn't a nice person. I was only worrying about Siri. Only problem is, Lily hates Sirius. Not hates. Loathes. I don't see why. He's great. Funny too.
Lily gets so worked up sometimes. Sometimes she goes too far, last year she brought up marriage. I freaked and yelled her out of the room. She never spoke about it again. Until yesterday. That's why we're a little rocky today.
I don't want marriage. I don't want commitment. I don't want children. I don't want the perfect, average 1.5 kids. I definitely don't want to be normal.
*
I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated
I want love just
a different kind
*
I don't want to be my parents.
It's funny I should bring them up. No, actually, it's not. My parents got married young. Really young. They were around my age, still in school. My father had an arranged marriage which he didn't want to go along with, my mother hated her parents, who wanted her to marry a medi-wizard.
So my mother and father got together. My father knocked my mother up and then married her. This effectively solved all their problems. Except now they had a brat to look after. They were spoilt rich kids who didn't look out for consequences. My grandparents wouldn't let Cecily, my mother, abort, so there was nothing they could do about it.
Both teens already had a huge inheritance piled up in their Gringotts accounts, so they had it made. If only they weren't tied to each other, and their child. They both decided the best thing to do was just to have the kid and hire a nanny. The second thing they did was something quite common among wizarding families. Father found a mistress. Mother found a lover.
They don't even sleep in the same room. Divorce is unknown of in the wizarding world, it is much more popular with muggles. So they all commit what muggles would call 'adultery'. So much for fidelity. I never liked that both my parents were manipulating, disloyal and selfish. How did they end up in Gryffindor?
*
I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart
*
I never, ever, want to be like my parents. I told Lily I'm saving myself for marriage. She told me that was archaic. I told her she was a bitch. We didn't talk for a week.
When ever I think of marriage or even the dreaded word, commitment, I freeze up. I can't speak and I think of all the times my parents crossed each other's paths and argue. They'd yell. They'd scream. Mother would throw vases, pots, portraits, anything. Father would just swear, occasionally slap her, I excuse those as it's only when she's hysterical.
When I was small, and still thought my parents were like everyone else's and loved me, I got into the middle of one of those fights. After that particular incident Georgia, my nanny, was patching me up because Cecily had thrown a vase at me. Broke on my shoulder, had shards in my arm and left cheek.
Turned out she didn't care whether it was me or father arguing with her. My father really couldn't bring himself to care either.
*
But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
*
I don't want that kind of love. Or rather, hate. Marriage is not the kind of love I want. It doesn't prove anything other than regret. My parents may be tied, but I'll never make that mistake. I don't want to become the cold bastards they are.
Lily sometimes reminds me of my mother. Irrational. Unreasonable. That's probably why I hate her sometimes.
*
I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic
*
She might love me. That would ruin me. I can't hurt her, as much as I hate her sometimes, I can't just dump her and say I've been stringing her along.
I don't want what my parents have. I can't stop thinking that. I know that doesn't work, I've seen what it can do to you.
I can't stop thinking about Sirius though. He's been so... down. And he's slowly inching away from me. I have hardly spoken two words to him since Saturday. Look at him, he's getting thinner everyday! Gaunt is the word. I can't just not do anything.
*
But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
*
I've got friends, a lot of them actually, the Marauders are my closest friends. Sirius knows everything there is to know about me. Or he used to. Now he seems to pull away from me. Grimace when I touch him. Why? I've never hurt him.
I know my friends love me. I know that I haven't been around them lately. I know I hate myself for it. I also know that I need my friends. I need them far more than they'd ever need me.
If you want to find the true meaning of need you'd just have to take a look at me. I have nothing when my friends aren't around. Nothing but Lily Evans. And I don't even love her. I am pitiful.
*
So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough
*
Lily is every man's dream. She'd be a perfect wife. A perfect mother. A perfect woman. I don't want that! What is wrong with me? I don't want the perfect woman! I want Sirius!
What?
Wait?
Back a bit...
Sirius?
That's new.
*
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated
I want love just
just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
*
I don't want the perfect woman.
But I want Sirius?
What?
I am so confused.
*
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
*
End of Chapter 2
Sorry it's a bit short. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review.