0-0
James is the untouchable. He is the desirable. He is sexy, proud and utterly brilliant. And I? I am nothing. I am Sirius Black. Hated by his family, disgusted by himself and abandoned by his friends. I'm fooling myself if I think I can have him. I'm fooling myself if I think I could touch him. Even if the opportunity did... pop up, I don't think I could take it. Even if he jumped me, would I push him off and pretend I'm disgusted? I would call him a liar and a bastard. I'm an idiot.
A second ago Remus pulled James aside. He thinks I'm not in the common room but Remus isn't as observant as he thinks. I wonder what was wrong with James. Not that it matters. Lily probably told him to stop drinking or something. James is a little fond of some of the heavier and more prohibited stuff.
He looked confused. Funny that. If I punched him do you think he'd be surprised? It sounds strange but I love him and I want to hit him for not loving me. Is that fair? Well, let it never be said that Sirius Black is a fair person.
I might go over there right now and tell him I never want to talk to him again. But that's too girly for me. Or, as I said, I could hit him. But Remus would hate that.
I despise Lily. I really do. I don't know who to blame my stupid unrequited love on, but Lily seems like a great candidate. And she's a bitch. James probably wants to marry little Lily and have seven kids. She'd make a great mother. Stuff that, she'd probably beat her kids. Hell, I probably would, so who's talking?
I'm so messed up, contemplating my best friend's kids. I'm not even sure if he is my best friend any more. I'm contemplating fucking him until my teeth hurts. And I'm contemplating my slow damnation because of my secret sinful thoughts. But if I die fucking him, who really cares?
I'm a bitter bastard who's uncle hits him and who's dad whips him occasionally, who's in love with a guy and has no friends. I don't do well in classes and have no future. What am I going to be? An auror? I don't think so. Ministry? No. Potions? Definitely not. A failure? I've been told so enough times.
A fucking failure with James. What kind of friend am I? Every second I'm with him all I can think of is touching him. I wouldn't trust me with him drunk. But just the chance... how would he feel? Soft? No, hidden muscles from quidditch. Good looking with a gleam in his eye, James always knew how to lay on the charm, ever since he began here.
I suppose I was in love with him the minute I saw him. The second he walked into the room I looked up to him. But Sirius Black, the little arrogant bastard, didn't look up to anyone.
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"You like Sirius," This is not happening. I'm not listening.
"He's my friend." Remus gives me a patronizing look and I wonder just how close to the full moon it is. That's when he gets blunt.
"He's the kind of friend you want to fuck."
"Don't talk about Sirius that way!" I can't stand the way he says it, it makes it sound so... depraved.
"So it's make love then?" Well that does sound better... but dammit, I'm not supposed to, Sirius is my best friend!
"Bloody hell. I don't know what it is."
"It's a lot more than just brotherly love, isn't it James?"
"Well, if it's brotherly then it's sick." At least I can admit to that.
"Well do something about it!" Remus throws his hands in the air. He says it like it's simple. It's not.
"What am I supposed to do, Remus? You tell me! Walk up to him and say: Hi there, Sirius, brother of mine, wanna fuck?" I don't mean to lose my temper but Remus doesn't understand!
"I can't tell you what to say, because he loves you, not me!"
It takes a second for me to realize what he's just said. And another second to wonder what he's on. "Pardon?"
Remus looks guilty. He glances around nervously. "Forget I said it." It seems like a stupid thing to say, since the words repeat in my head.
"You just said he loves me!"
"Did I?" Bloody... stupid... patronizing...
"Yes, you did." I grind out, ready to strangle him.
"Well, I don't remember that - Look, Siri is streaking!" What? I spin quickly. Just as quickly, I turn back again, realizing my mistake.
Too late, Remus is gone and I'm left wondering if it's true.
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End of chapter 4
Thanks to all the reviewers, your reviews are inspirational, I'm sorry about being so slow to update.
James is the untouchable. He is the desirable. He is sexy, proud and utterly brilliant. And I? I am nothing. I am Sirius Black. Hated by his family, disgusted by himself and abandoned by his friends. I'm fooling myself if I think I can have him. I'm fooling myself if I think I could touch him. Even if the opportunity did... pop up, I don't think I could take it. Even if he jumped me, would I push him off and pretend I'm disgusted? I would call him a liar and a bastard. I'm an idiot.
A second ago Remus pulled James aside. He thinks I'm not in the common room but Remus isn't as observant as he thinks. I wonder what was wrong with James. Not that it matters. Lily probably told him to stop drinking or something. James is a little fond of some of the heavier and more prohibited stuff.
He looked confused. Funny that. If I punched him do you think he'd be surprised? It sounds strange but I love him and I want to hit him for not loving me. Is that fair? Well, let it never be said that Sirius Black is a fair person.
I might go over there right now and tell him I never want to talk to him again. But that's too girly for me. Or, as I said, I could hit him. But Remus would hate that.
I despise Lily. I really do. I don't know who to blame my stupid unrequited love on, but Lily seems like a great candidate. And she's a bitch. James probably wants to marry little Lily and have seven kids. She'd make a great mother. Stuff that, she'd probably beat her kids. Hell, I probably would, so who's talking?
I'm so messed up, contemplating my best friend's kids. I'm not even sure if he is my best friend any more. I'm contemplating fucking him until my teeth hurts. And I'm contemplating my slow damnation because of my secret sinful thoughts. But if I die fucking him, who really cares?
I'm a bitter bastard who's uncle hits him and who's dad whips him occasionally, who's in love with a guy and has no friends. I don't do well in classes and have no future. What am I going to be? An auror? I don't think so. Ministry? No. Potions? Definitely not. A failure? I've been told so enough times.
A fucking failure with James. What kind of friend am I? Every second I'm with him all I can think of is touching him. I wouldn't trust me with him drunk. But just the chance... how would he feel? Soft? No, hidden muscles from quidditch. Good looking with a gleam in his eye, James always knew how to lay on the charm, ever since he began here.
I suppose I was in love with him the minute I saw him. The second he walked into the room I looked up to him. But Sirius Black, the little arrogant bastard, didn't look up to anyone.
0-0
"You like Sirius," This is not happening. I'm not listening.
"He's my friend." Remus gives me a patronizing look and I wonder just how close to the full moon it is. That's when he gets blunt.
"He's the kind of friend you want to fuck."
"Don't talk about Sirius that way!" I can't stand the way he says it, it makes it sound so... depraved.
"So it's make love then?" Well that does sound better... but dammit, I'm not supposed to, Sirius is my best friend!
"Bloody hell. I don't know what it is."
"It's a lot more than just brotherly love, isn't it James?"
"Well, if it's brotherly then it's sick." At least I can admit to that.
"Well do something about it!" Remus throws his hands in the air. He says it like it's simple. It's not.
"What am I supposed to do, Remus? You tell me! Walk up to him and say: Hi there, Sirius, brother of mine, wanna fuck?" I don't mean to lose my temper but Remus doesn't understand!
"I can't tell you what to say, because he loves you, not me!"
It takes a second for me to realize what he's just said. And another second to wonder what he's on. "Pardon?"
Remus looks guilty. He glances around nervously. "Forget I said it." It seems like a stupid thing to say, since the words repeat in my head.
"You just said he loves me!"
"Did I?" Bloody... stupid... patronizing...
"Yes, you did." I grind out, ready to strangle him.
"Well, I don't remember that - Look, Siri is streaking!" What? I spin quickly. Just as quickly, I turn back again, realizing my mistake.
Too late, Remus is gone and I'm left wondering if it's true.
0-0
End of chapter 4
Thanks to all the reviewers, your reviews are inspirational, I'm sorry about being so slow to update.