Three O'clock in the Morning
In the real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning. - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Not a Pleasant Condition
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. – Voltaire
"Lily!" Sirius exclaimed, rushing into the flat, leaving Harry to stand, confused, in the doorway.
Lily just grabbed her husband and held on, as if for dear life, weeping and sobbing into his shoulder.
"Mum?" Harry asked weakly, not remembering ever seeing his mother in such a state.
"Lily, Lily, oh, Lily," Sirius murmured, holding his wife and rubbing her back in soothing circles. "Oh, Lily."
Harry, more than a bit frustrated with his earlier conversation with Sirius and concerned over his mother, closed the door behind him and danced about for a bit before making some tea. Lily always made tea when one of her girl friends was upset about something or Harry was having trouble with school, so he assumed she would appreciate the gesture in return.
As he set the teapot (new since the one Sirius accidentally exploded on Peter and Remus) on a coaster on the kitchen table, Harry watched his mother and stepfather. Sirius was holding Lily on his lap as she quietly sobbed into his shoulder. It was easy to believe that Sirius was a different man now. He could not imagine his stepfather holding Lily so gently, whispering so softly to his wife. Sirius was strong during the hard times, as when James first left Lily, but he was not in touch with his tender, emotional side, something that had sometimes hurt both Lily and Harry during the marriage.
"Shhh... Shhh... It's going to be okay," Sirius murmured into Lily's hair, as she began to quiet down. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
Lily, a few tears still escaping her verdant eyes, silently shook her head.
"Here, Mum," Harry said, handing Lily a cup of tea.
The normally vibrant redhead sniffed as she sipped her tea appreciatively. "Thank you, Harry."
Sirius, now worried about his wife, took Lily's free hand in his. He might not have loved Lily as a wife and lover, but he truly cared for her and loved her as a sister.
He could not imagine what had her in such tears. The night had gone so well, especially with his important conversation with Harry. Their weekly dinner with Remus and Peter had gone well and then he had left to pick up Harry and company at the cinema. What in Merlin's name could have happened in the intervening time that would put his wife into hysterics?
"Please, tell us what happened. Please, Lily-flower?" Sirius begged, using her old nickname.
She sniffed again, wiping away a stray tear. "Harry, go to your room."
Harry's eyes widened with surprise.
"Go to your room, Harry," Lily repeated.
Still shocked, Harry went to his room, but not without looking over his shoulder to watch Lily and Sirius still sitting on the couch again.
Sirius turned back to Lily, his blue eyes shining with worry. "What in Mer- What on Earth happened here?"
"J-James," Lily whispered.
"James?" Sirius repeated with a frown. "James Potter?"
His wife nodded quietly.
"What was James Potter doing here?" he asked indignantly. He had certainly heard stories about James from Severus and was still having a bit of trouble thinking of his friend in the land of the living.
"Just... just talking..."
Sirius frowned again. Why would talking to James put Lily into such a state? And why would Lily want Harry out of the room for this?
Lily looked up at her husband, green eyes meeting blue. "He said some things about you... Some things that I didn't like... Don't believe... But it hurt all the same, having him say them, even after all these years."
Tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear, Sirius smiled weakly at Lily. "What did he say that would affect you this much?"
Lily only shook her head. The skin around her emerald eyes was a rough, puffy red and her cheeks were shiny with old tears. Sirius's heart broke that this woman was so hurt and broken by the first man in her life that Sirius believed she truly loved.
"Come on, Lily-flower, you can tell me," he whispered, soothingly. "I'll only be angry with James, not you, never you."
She pulled a lavender handkerchief out of her pocket and wiped at her eyes before trying to compose herself. "I went out for a walk, down to the store," Lily explained. "And I ran into him, rather literally. I didn't know it was J-James until he helped me pick up the milk carton I dropped." Her voice broke on James' name.
Sirius pulled her into a warm embrace, remembering when Moony did this for her whenever she and James fought during their time at Hogwarts. He always comforted and lectured James, finding his best friend easier to understand.
"He laughed when he saw me, asked if we were still married. I-I said of course we are and he laughed again. I got upset and asked him what was so funny. He-he said-" Lily broke off.
"What did he say about us?" Sirius asked quietly into her auburn hair.
"He said you didn't love me, that you never did," she whispered broken- heartedly. "He said you only picked up his cast-offs."
Sirius saw red. James Potter might have been his best friend since he was eleven, but some things went beyond friendship. James had broken Lily before he left her. He had left her hurt and vulnerable and open to a rough relationship with Sirius Black. And no one hurt the people Sirius loved, not even his best friend.
Lily laid her head against Sirius shoulder and held onto him, her ivory arms embracing his waist. Her crying had started up again, but they seemed to be dry sobs, as he noticed that his shoulder was not becoming wetter.
He would kill James. No, he would find James and rip out his heart. Sirius knew Lily better than he had ever known her before, when she was alive, and he learned to love her. He learned not to have nightmares when she held him in their bed. It was for her sake and Harry's that he did not brutally murder Peter when he came to dinner on Saturday nights. He had learned to love her and wanted her to know the truth.
But now he could not tell her the truth. Not after James told her that her husband did not love her. Sirius could not bring himself to tell his wife that he was truly in love with another man when she was despairing. She would not be able to understand that he did love her, but as a sister rather than a lover. This complicated things.
Lily whimpered something into his shoulder.
"What was that?"
She murmured something again, once more incomprehensible.
Sirius touched her cheek, brushing away a lone tear. "Lily-flower, you're going to have to speak up."
Lily wiped her face with the handkerchief. "You do love me, right?" she whispered, not meeting his eyes.
Sirius sighed. He did not want to lie to his wife, but nor could he bear hurting his wife any more tonight. "Of course I love you."
"Really?" Lily sighed, finally looking at Sirius' face.
"Really." 'As a sister, I do love you,' he added silently. "Why don't you go get ready for bed?"
Lily nodded and began to gather the tea things together.
"No, Lily," Sirius interrupted. "Let me do that. You've had a hard night. You just get ready for bed. I'll be there in a minute. I'll fix up the kitchen, and I want to talk to Harry about something, but I'll be in the bedroom soon."
Lily smiled softly at her husband and made her way, quickly, to the bathroom. When Sirius was sure he could hear the shower running, he began rinsing the teapot and the mug Lily had used.
He had never remembered James being like this. Sure, they had been reckless as kids, but they had grown up, matured. By sixth year, their torture of Severus had slowed and when seventh year rolled around, the Marauders had been more focused on the war effort than even schoolwork. James had been Head Boy and even stopped Sirius from being cruel to Severus. So what on Earth would make him this much of a bastard to his own wife, his own love?
Shit. Magic did make a difference in their lives. Thinking back, he realized that James had really come into his own after the Death Eaters killed his parents in the First London Massacre. Then, when Lily's mum was murdered over the Easter holidays, he had comforted her and the younger students who had lost people. Moony had been hurt that he could not help more. Had the war really done them that much good? Sirius wondered what old Voldemort would say if he learned that he was the one who made the Golden Gryffindors golden.
Sirius carefully wiped the inside of the teapot with a dishtowel, lost in his memories and meanderings. As he put the mug in the cupboard and the pot on the counter, he did not even hear Harry enter the room.
"Sirius?" Harry asked nervously.
Sirius jumped, surprised. "Merlin, Harry, you scared me."
"What's going on? Why was Mum so upset?"
"It was your dad, Harry," Sirius explained. "Lily ran into James while we were in the park and it upset her."
Harry scrunched up his face. "Why does she still listen to him?"
Sirius shrugged. "Apparently he said some pretty nasty things about why I married your Mum and she took it to heart. I told her she was wrong, and now she's just getting ready for bed. As you should be, too."
Harry grinned. "I'm already in my pajamas, Sirius. I was just worried about Mum."
"You and me both. I'm going to talk to Regulus about this in the morning. I don't want James to be upsetting Lily like this."
"We'll see him at dinner," Harry suggested.
"No, I think I'll call him and see if we can meet in the morning. You don't mind going to church with just your Mum, do you?"
Harry shook his head. "It was always just the two of us before you came. One weekend won't make much of a difference."
Sirius nodded. "I think you should be getting to bed then."
The teenager sighed and went to his room, hopefully to sleep rather than read, as was his inclination.
That night Sirius did not try to wriggle out of Lily's grasp, as was his nighttime habit. He knew that she needed something safe and solid onto which she could hold. For one night Sirius knew he could deal with his nightmares and painful dreams, for Lily's sake.
Author's Notes:
A big thanks to Hillary (Toasterlicious), my amazing Beta, for editing this in record time.
Also, as a strange side note, I met someone who dresses like my Severus. It rather shocked me to meet a man who wore a green sweater vest, matching cap, and argyle socks. Thankfully he acted nothing like my Severus, but it was frightening nonetheless.
Drusilla: Well, here it is.
Sailor Christian: Yes, they do make a lovely couple, much better than Harry/Ginny, in my mind. Neville just isn't in this fic. Ron, and all the other Weasleys, are just jerks in this. Ron is a jock and Harry is terrible at football. Hermione doesn't like him either, because he's a jock and she's more into books, but would love to play football.
InsertRandomInsanityHere: I wish we could buy Moony's bed on Ebay. I wish I wish I wish.
beth: Sure you can be my fangirl. Hey! I have a fangirl!
Eizoku: Well...I'm not sure if this was what you wanted, but this is what you're getting.
Usaku3000: No, Sirius/Lily is not wrong, it's a perfectly viable ship. And, sorry, your vote contributes to nothing as that has already been decided.
LittleGreenPerson: Peter was a Pureblood. Draco isn't making moves on Harry's girlfriend; he just lives near her.
Samara-Morgan-101: It doesn't look like he's going to get kicked out...
chevalier Ryu: You mean, this actually has a purpose that helps people? Wow. That just made my day... And made me double check my grammar.
Lil Miss Potter: Sorry, m'dear, but, like Usaku's vote, whether or not you want him to go home is irrelevant. Thanks for the review.
Pam Briggs: I know this isn't what you were expecting, but James had to show up sometime. And of course Sirius has doubts – he wouldn't be Sirius if he didn't have doubts.
Aeryn Alexander: Ah, yes, this world does seem almost idyllic, doesn't it? As for sleeping with Lily, he's married and it has to happen. At least they aren't having sex – yet. Of course, it's a bit cowardly to choose to stay, but he doesn't seem to have that many more options. Yes, Remus is gay and not-so-nice and not interested in Sirius, at all. Sadly.
eruve tinwen: Oh, you'll see when Sirius the Bastard gets his justice. You'll see. And if you don't... well, it's easy to see in the end.
AJ Lupin: Eh, the slash is an undercurrent in this story, not really integral. Thanks for the review.
Padmez: You like it that much? I kept you up to 1:30? Well, I hope you didn't have anything important to do today... And that those people stop staring at you.
In the real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning. - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Not a Pleasant Condition
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. – Voltaire
"Lily!" Sirius exclaimed, rushing into the flat, leaving Harry to stand, confused, in the doorway.
Lily just grabbed her husband and held on, as if for dear life, weeping and sobbing into his shoulder.
"Mum?" Harry asked weakly, not remembering ever seeing his mother in such a state.
"Lily, Lily, oh, Lily," Sirius murmured, holding his wife and rubbing her back in soothing circles. "Oh, Lily."
Harry, more than a bit frustrated with his earlier conversation with Sirius and concerned over his mother, closed the door behind him and danced about for a bit before making some tea. Lily always made tea when one of her girl friends was upset about something or Harry was having trouble with school, so he assumed she would appreciate the gesture in return.
As he set the teapot (new since the one Sirius accidentally exploded on Peter and Remus) on a coaster on the kitchen table, Harry watched his mother and stepfather. Sirius was holding Lily on his lap as she quietly sobbed into his shoulder. It was easy to believe that Sirius was a different man now. He could not imagine his stepfather holding Lily so gently, whispering so softly to his wife. Sirius was strong during the hard times, as when James first left Lily, but he was not in touch with his tender, emotional side, something that had sometimes hurt both Lily and Harry during the marriage.
"Shhh... Shhh... It's going to be okay," Sirius murmured into Lily's hair, as she began to quiet down. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
Lily, a few tears still escaping her verdant eyes, silently shook her head.
"Here, Mum," Harry said, handing Lily a cup of tea.
The normally vibrant redhead sniffed as she sipped her tea appreciatively. "Thank you, Harry."
Sirius, now worried about his wife, took Lily's free hand in his. He might not have loved Lily as a wife and lover, but he truly cared for her and loved her as a sister.
He could not imagine what had her in such tears. The night had gone so well, especially with his important conversation with Harry. Their weekly dinner with Remus and Peter had gone well and then he had left to pick up Harry and company at the cinema. What in Merlin's name could have happened in the intervening time that would put his wife into hysterics?
"Please, tell us what happened. Please, Lily-flower?" Sirius begged, using her old nickname.
She sniffed again, wiping away a stray tear. "Harry, go to your room."
Harry's eyes widened with surprise.
"Go to your room, Harry," Lily repeated.
Still shocked, Harry went to his room, but not without looking over his shoulder to watch Lily and Sirius still sitting on the couch again.
Sirius turned back to Lily, his blue eyes shining with worry. "What in Mer- What on Earth happened here?"
"J-James," Lily whispered.
"James?" Sirius repeated with a frown. "James Potter?"
His wife nodded quietly.
"What was James Potter doing here?" he asked indignantly. He had certainly heard stories about James from Severus and was still having a bit of trouble thinking of his friend in the land of the living.
"Just... just talking..."
Sirius frowned again. Why would talking to James put Lily into such a state? And why would Lily want Harry out of the room for this?
Lily looked up at her husband, green eyes meeting blue. "He said some things about you... Some things that I didn't like... Don't believe... But it hurt all the same, having him say them, even after all these years."
Tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear, Sirius smiled weakly at Lily. "What did he say that would affect you this much?"
Lily only shook her head. The skin around her emerald eyes was a rough, puffy red and her cheeks were shiny with old tears. Sirius's heart broke that this woman was so hurt and broken by the first man in her life that Sirius believed she truly loved.
"Come on, Lily-flower, you can tell me," he whispered, soothingly. "I'll only be angry with James, not you, never you."
She pulled a lavender handkerchief out of her pocket and wiped at her eyes before trying to compose herself. "I went out for a walk, down to the store," Lily explained. "And I ran into him, rather literally. I didn't know it was J-James until he helped me pick up the milk carton I dropped." Her voice broke on James' name.
Sirius pulled her into a warm embrace, remembering when Moony did this for her whenever she and James fought during their time at Hogwarts. He always comforted and lectured James, finding his best friend easier to understand.
"He laughed when he saw me, asked if we were still married. I-I said of course we are and he laughed again. I got upset and asked him what was so funny. He-he said-" Lily broke off.
"What did he say about us?" Sirius asked quietly into her auburn hair.
"He said you didn't love me, that you never did," she whispered broken- heartedly. "He said you only picked up his cast-offs."
Sirius saw red. James Potter might have been his best friend since he was eleven, but some things went beyond friendship. James had broken Lily before he left her. He had left her hurt and vulnerable and open to a rough relationship with Sirius Black. And no one hurt the people Sirius loved, not even his best friend.
Lily laid her head against Sirius shoulder and held onto him, her ivory arms embracing his waist. Her crying had started up again, but they seemed to be dry sobs, as he noticed that his shoulder was not becoming wetter.
He would kill James. No, he would find James and rip out his heart. Sirius knew Lily better than he had ever known her before, when she was alive, and he learned to love her. He learned not to have nightmares when she held him in their bed. It was for her sake and Harry's that he did not brutally murder Peter when he came to dinner on Saturday nights. He had learned to love her and wanted her to know the truth.
But now he could not tell her the truth. Not after James told her that her husband did not love her. Sirius could not bring himself to tell his wife that he was truly in love with another man when she was despairing. She would not be able to understand that he did love her, but as a sister rather than a lover. This complicated things.
Lily whimpered something into his shoulder.
"What was that?"
She murmured something again, once more incomprehensible.
Sirius touched her cheek, brushing away a lone tear. "Lily-flower, you're going to have to speak up."
Lily wiped her face with the handkerchief. "You do love me, right?" she whispered, not meeting his eyes.
Sirius sighed. He did not want to lie to his wife, but nor could he bear hurting his wife any more tonight. "Of course I love you."
"Really?" Lily sighed, finally looking at Sirius' face.
"Really." 'As a sister, I do love you,' he added silently. "Why don't you go get ready for bed?"
Lily nodded and began to gather the tea things together.
"No, Lily," Sirius interrupted. "Let me do that. You've had a hard night. You just get ready for bed. I'll be there in a minute. I'll fix up the kitchen, and I want to talk to Harry about something, but I'll be in the bedroom soon."
Lily smiled softly at her husband and made her way, quickly, to the bathroom. When Sirius was sure he could hear the shower running, he began rinsing the teapot and the mug Lily had used.
He had never remembered James being like this. Sure, they had been reckless as kids, but they had grown up, matured. By sixth year, their torture of Severus had slowed and when seventh year rolled around, the Marauders had been more focused on the war effort than even schoolwork. James had been Head Boy and even stopped Sirius from being cruel to Severus. So what on Earth would make him this much of a bastard to his own wife, his own love?
Shit. Magic did make a difference in their lives. Thinking back, he realized that James had really come into his own after the Death Eaters killed his parents in the First London Massacre. Then, when Lily's mum was murdered over the Easter holidays, he had comforted her and the younger students who had lost people. Moony had been hurt that he could not help more. Had the war really done them that much good? Sirius wondered what old Voldemort would say if he learned that he was the one who made the Golden Gryffindors golden.
Sirius carefully wiped the inside of the teapot with a dishtowel, lost in his memories and meanderings. As he put the mug in the cupboard and the pot on the counter, he did not even hear Harry enter the room.
"Sirius?" Harry asked nervously.
Sirius jumped, surprised. "Merlin, Harry, you scared me."
"What's going on? Why was Mum so upset?"
"It was your dad, Harry," Sirius explained. "Lily ran into James while we were in the park and it upset her."
Harry scrunched up his face. "Why does she still listen to him?"
Sirius shrugged. "Apparently he said some pretty nasty things about why I married your Mum and she took it to heart. I told her she was wrong, and now she's just getting ready for bed. As you should be, too."
Harry grinned. "I'm already in my pajamas, Sirius. I was just worried about Mum."
"You and me both. I'm going to talk to Regulus about this in the morning. I don't want James to be upsetting Lily like this."
"We'll see him at dinner," Harry suggested.
"No, I think I'll call him and see if we can meet in the morning. You don't mind going to church with just your Mum, do you?"
Harry shook his head. "It was always just the two of us before you came. One weekend won't make much of a difference."
Sirius nodded. "I think you should be getting to bed then."
The teenager sighed and went to his room, hopefully to sleep rather than read, as was his inclination.
That night Sirius did not try to wriggle out of Lily's grasp, as was his nighttime habit. He knew that she needed something safe and solid onto which she could hold. For one night Sirius knew he could deal with his nightmares and painful dreams, for Lily's sake.
Author's Notes:
A big thanks to Hillary (Toasterlicious), my amazing Beta, for editing this in record time.
Also, as a strange side note, I met someone who dresses like my Severus. It rather shocked me to meet a man who wore a green sweater vest, matching cap, and argyle socks. Thankfully he acted nothing like my Severus, but it was frightening nonetheless.
Drusilla: Well, here it is.
Sailor Christian: Yes, they do make a lovely couple, much better than Harry/Ginny, in my mind. Neville just isn't in this fic. Ron, and all the other Weasleys, are just jerks in this. Ron is a jock and Harry is terrible at football. Hermione doesn't like him either, because he's a jock and she's more into books, but would love to play football.
InsertRandomInsanityHere: I wish we could buy Moony's bed on Ebay. I wish I wish I wish.
beth: Sure you can be my fangirl. Hey! I have a fangirl!
Eizoku: Well...I'm not sure if this was what you wanted, but this is what you're getting.
Usaku3000: No, Sirius/Lily is not wrong, it's a perfectly viable ship. And, sorry, your vote contributes to nothing as that has already been decided.
LittleGreenPerson: Peter was a Pureblood. Draco isn't making moves on Harry's girlfriend; he just lives near her.
Samara-Morgan-101: It doesn't look like he's going to get kicked out...
chevalier Ryu: You mean, this actually has a purpose that helps people? Wow. That just made my day... And made me double check my grammar.
Lil Miss Potter: Sorry, m'dear, but, like Usaku's vote, whether or not you want him to go home is irrelevant. Thanks for the review.
Pam Briggs: I know this isn't what you were expecting, but James had to show up sometime. And of course Sirius has doubts – he wouldn't be Sirius if he didn't have doubts.
Aeryn Alexander: Ah, yes, this world does seem almost idyllic, doesn't it? As for sleeping with Lily, he's married and it has to happen. At least they aren't having sex – yet. Of course, it's a bit cowardly to choose to stay, but he doesn't seem to have that many more options. Yes, Remus is gay and not-so-nice and not interested in Sirius, at all. Sadly.
eruve tinwen: Oh, you'll see when Sirius the Bastard gets his justice. You'll see. And if you don't... well, it's easy to see in the end.
AJ Lupin: Eh, the slash is an undercurrent in this story, not really integral. Thanks for the review.
Padmez: You like it that much? I kept you up to 1:30? Well, I hope you didn't have anything important to do today... And that those people stop staring at you.