Author's Note Do I really need to write these? Like I said in the first chapter, I really felt bad for Kagura.
Summary She was desperate for love. That was all that she had ever wanted and it was torn from her by Tohru… Will Kagura ever find solace in another person?
Disclaimers I don't own Fruits Basket, but if I did… I would make sure that Tohru got a better personality… sorry to all the Tohru lovers.
I'll Forget It All
Chapter Nine
Kagura's POV
I stared up at Shigure. He smiled his usual mysterious smile.
"Now, Kagura-chan, what are you up to?"
I smiled up at him, "Nothing."
"We're having that formal. Yun-chan told you about that right?" I nodded slowly in response.
"That's nice." Then, he left. He seemed so serious it left me breathless. I have never seen Shigure so serious since Tohru ran after Kyo. I could tell he loved Tohru too, except it was more like a brotherly love. Shigure, what was he up to now? He's always doing strange things; I hope he doesn't do something too extreme.
I smiled as I walked back upstairs. I smiled even when I fell asleep. I dreamed wonderful dreams of me a Kyo and those dreams made me want to stay asleep forever, just so I could be with him in my dreams. When I woke up the next day, I felt determined to make him happy. I wanted him to be happy. I didn't want him to worry about me or anyone else, just himself and Tohru. I wanted Tohru to love Kyo forever. I wanted her to take care of him and to remind him that he is loved everyday.
I was giving my heart and dreams away. I gave Kyo my heart, although he will never know how much I loved him. I gave Tohru my dreams because she is the one that Kyo will love and cherish forever. Even though he can't hold her, he can still love her. It's funny… I tell him I love him everyday and yet he never once looked at me the way he looked at Tohru. He never looked at me with appreciation or kindness. He's always been afraid of me.
It was early in the morning and I was surprised when Kyo came up and woke me. I smiled up at him. I got up and took a shower. When I went downstairs, he was the only one there.
"Where did everyone go?" Kyo looked up at me, and then turned his head aside.
"To the supermarket with Torhu." I looked down at him as he glared at the table. He was either really hungry or… he missed Tohru. I'd go for the latter one.
"Why didn't you go?"
"They told me to stay here and wait for you." He didn't even bother looking up that time. His voice implied that all I was to him was a burden. I wanted him to see me differently, but I guess it will never happen. I sat down at the opposite side of the table. It seemed that I sat there a lot.
I looked up at him, but he was still glaring at the table.
"Damn it!" He punched the table. I silently thanked the heavens that it was thick mahogany wood. It didn't break.
"What's wrong with you?"
I winced. Did he always think so badly of me?
"N-nothing…" I trailed off. I could tell that he was getting more and more infuriated with me. He looked so mad, I bet he could never get mad at Tohru. I bowed my head. I tried to hold back the tears that were coming.
Suddenly, his voice softened.
"I'm sorry… for exploding like that, it's just that you seem so sad and…"
I smiled up at him trying to prove him wrong.
"That fake smile doesn't work."
I bowed my head again.
"Are you trying to get back at me for loving Tohru instead of you?"
"N-no. It's just that…" I put a hand over my chest. "It hurts."
I didn't think Kyo understood what I was talking about.
"Kyo… why did you choose Tohru?"
"I don't know… It's just that she was always there for me and just kept smiling. Through everything we've been through, she just kept smiling."
I nodded, trying my best not to lash out. I wanted to tell him how many times I was there for him. I wanted to tell him how many times I smiled just because he was close. I wanted to tell him how many times we… we smiled together, before my cowardly-self showed. Dear, dear Kyo… You never saw me. You only saw Tohru. I forced myself to smile.
"Would it be nicer if I left?"
I didn't know why, but the idea just seemed more and more appealing.
"Why would you leave?"
"If you don't want me here…." I trailed off again. There was nothing I wanted to talk about with Kyo. There was nothing to say. No questions to ask… nothing.
"That's not a good reason." I looked up at him.
"I got an invite to join an exchange program in America. I wasn't sure if I should go…"
"Then you should go."
I smiled at him… I felt my heart breaking with each word. Although it sounded like he just wanted me to have great time, it made me feel like he was driving me away. Of coarse he wanted me to go away. I've hurt him so many times and I probably also hurt Tohru. I should go… No one truly needs me here. I reached over and covered his hand with mine.
"What the hell do you think your doing!" He stood up immediately, but I didn't let go of his hand.
"Kyo? Do you really hate me?" I bowed my head as I gently caressed his hand.
"W-why do you ask that?" His voice was nervous now. He wasn't mad or anything… just scared. I laughed a little. He was afraid of me?
"I just…" I stopped. I didn't think it was such a hard question to answer. "Do you? Hate me, I mean."
"Kagura… I thought we talked about this. I love you, just not the way you want me to. I don't think I'll ever love you that way." He was trying to smooth out the problem. He didn't want me to go crazy. I could tell that he was trying to edge away, but I wouldn't let him. I gently rubbed my cheek against his hand. I let the warm tears spill from my eyes and wash his hands.
I could tell that he was shocked. He didn't know what to do, so he just stood there and I… I held his hand. I held his hand and he didn't flinch. I knew that he would never love me, but in that moment it felt like he did and no one else mattered. It felt like it was only me and him… I knew it could never happen, but that moment is so special to me.
I held his hand and felt his love for Tohru grow, but I didn't care. That one moment we sat there like lovers, holding each other, trying to shield each other from the terrible world around us. For that short moment… Kyo was mine and I was his. That moment was special to me… and no one would ever take be able to take that moment away from me.
I smiled up at Kyo, then I showered his knuckled with gentle butterfly kisses.
"I love you Kyo." I smiled and let his hand go. He just stood there looking down at me and I stared into his eyes.
"We're home!" Shigure's voice sliced through the silence.
Tohru ran into the room. She smiled and ran to Kyo. She wrapped her arms around Kyo… and in a poof he was a cat.
"Do you always have to do that!" Tohru just smiled and planted a small kiss on his head and he silenced immediately. I watched as he snuggled closer to Tohru who giggled as his cat fur rubbed against her.
I stepped back. It was a beautiful moment, but nothing would compare to the one I engraved in my memory. I stepped back into the kitchen and left the two lovers alone. At that moment, I let him go… but, my heart would never be able to. I would love Kyo till the end of my days.
"Kagura?" I turned around and smiled at Yuki. Somehow, I knew that he was there.
"How was your morning?"
"It's okay so far."
"Have a nice time with Tohru?"
Yuki's POV
I felt an anger rise in me. Why did Kagura always have to bring Tohru up? Was she trying to make sure I suffered as much as she has? Does she not know what this is doing to me?
"Yes." I lashed out the word as if it were a curse. I could tell Kagura was offended, but she decided to keep it to herself. She sighed.
"That's nice. It's hard to have a bad time with Tohru!" She smiled up at me.
I couldn't help, but smile back. Kagura was doing something to me… I don't know what, but whenever I see her… the idea of being in love doesn't seem so impossible. Whenever she smiles it seems like I found someone in this lonely world. Whenever she cries it seems like the whole world cries with her. I don't know what she's doing to me, but she touches me in a way Tohru was never able to do.
All thoughts of anger were gone and in its place was a kind of warmth. It started from the pit of my being and spread through my body. I tried to brush this warmth away, but it just grew.
"…"
"Are you okay, Yun-chan?"
On instinct, I reached out and hugged her. I didn't stop myself… I didn't even try. I don't know why, but it was something in her smile that made me hug her. She sighed and gently pushed me away. She offered a soft smile and walked out the door.
I looked down at my hands. What was happening to me? I love Tohru… but, yet something about winning her love didn't seem so rewarding. Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through, but it feels like so much more. What was going on? I look into the living room and I see Tohru... my stomach flutters look into the living room and I see Tohru... wa. and then dropped when I spotted a flash of orange.
I almost forgot about the groceries. While I put it up, Tohru enters the kitchen with that beautiful smile of hers.
"Oh… Hi! Sohma-san! Um…" Why does she always call me that!
"Yes Honda-san…"
She smiled up at me. "Are the strawberries almost ready?"
I felt like something inside me cracked.
"Yes, they should be…"
"…Okay!"
"Tohru…" I whispered it, her name and I could tell that she didn't hear me.
"La, la, la, la…" She sang her little song. She had a beautiful voice. Did she know that? Did anyone tell her how wonderful she was?
"You know what?"
"What?"
"I'm afraid of Kyo getting tired of me."
My eyes widened. How could anyone get tired of Tohru? She was wonderful and there was no one that could ever match her benevolence.
"Why do you say that?"
"I'm not anyone really special… A lot of people believe that I have the power to take anyone's problem away…" She laughed nervously.
"I'm not beautiful and I don't think I'm nice enough… I want to impress Kyo, but I don't have a lot. I was really surprised when he chose me. He always had Kagura…"
She giggled slightly. "He told me that all she was, was an annoyance. I told him that that was mean. He shouldn't think rudely of someone like Kagura. She can't help who she loves."
Just like me. I can't help but love you, Tohru…
"Tohru…"
"Huh?"
I used her first name… for the first time.
"Sohma-san…? Did you say my name…?" She blinked her eyes twice. I guess to make sure she wasn't dreaming.
"I did and I will say it many times more. Tohru, Tohru, Tohru…" I grabbed her and held her to me.
Poof!
I turned into a mouse. I snuggled against her chest, just like I saw Kyo do.
"Tohru, I love you…"
"Yuki…"
She said my name!
She plucked me from her shirt and placed me on the counter.
"Yuki…"
"…"
"I never knew…" She looked down at me with wide eyes. "I never knew…" Tears started to form in her eyes.
"I never knew Yuki…"
"You know now." I looked up at her. I hoped against hope that she would respond.
"I can't love you like that…" She forced a soft smiled on her lips.
"I love Kyo." She turned to go.
"You don't understand!" I felt anger seethe inside me. My hatred for the baka neko grew more and more. With every shred of hope he took away from me, I hated him more.
"Tohru, why can't you love me! Why that damned cat!"
I started showing my true envy. I showed every ounce of jealousy I held for the cat.
"I love him because… because he loves me."
"Is that it?"
I snapped out.
Tohru nodded.
"I don't need a reason for loving someone. I believe that love happens and when it does, you'll know. I'm not sure if Kyo is the one, but I want to try it out. I need to give him a chance because many people don't. Kyo is special to me and I know I run a high risk by bringing our relationship to a new level. I know that if something happens, we might not be friends anymore… but, I want to enjoy this as long as I can."
She didn't turn to look at me, but I could tell that she was crying.
"I want to find love Sohma-san, but now… the closest thing I have to it is Kyo."
"But, don't I mean anything to you?"
"You will always mean something to me Yuki. You were the one who found me, you helped me… you've been there for me so many times."
She wrapped her arms around herself.
"But, I know that I can't live in a world without Kyo."
That statement broke me. She can't live without Kyo. I felt my eyes burn. I rubbed them with my white paws.
"It's okay… I wasn't going to force you into anything."
"It's okay Yuki!"
She cheered up immediately. It was a break from all the sufferings inside that it made me smile. Past all the pain and fear of rejection, I was able to smile and it was because of her.
"It must hurt to never be able to hold someone outside of the zodiac, but I know that one day it will be broken and you'll find someone who will love you because of you. I know that there is someone out there who is looking for the same thing you are. This is a wonderful world, a big world with many people who are waiting to meet new people. You don't know this, but Yuki you are really amazing. You are smart, caring, nice, and there are many girls at school who just want to talk to you."
She always knows what to say.
"Tohru?"
"Yes, Sohma-san?"
"Promise me… that if it doesn't work out with Kyo that you'll… promise me you'll be mine."
"Sohma-san…"
She looked up at me with a morbid face. I haven't seen her so sad since she went to visit Akito.
"I can't promise anything…"
"It's okay. I'm sorry for putting you through all this trouble."
"No! No… it's okay. It was nice talking to you."
I smiled… but this did not reflect what was going on inside me. I was always afraid of rejection, but the way Tohru did it… it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
"Can you place me near my clothes?"
Tohru blushed and put me on the floor.
"I'll leave."
She turned and poof!
She didn't turn around because she knew what happened, but I could see the rigid ness in which she walked.
I sighed and put on my clothes. Maybe… maybe things will turn out like Tohru said. Maybe there is someone out there who is looking for love, just like me. Maybe there is someone who will find me and love me… like I love Tohru. It will take time to mend this wound deeply imbedded into me, but I will wait. All I want is Tohru's happiness and that is more than I deserve.
Isn't it true? Knowing Tohru is a gift from heaven.
Tohru
It hurt me so. I didn't want to break Yuki's heart. And I knew… I knew his fear of rejection and yet it was I who reintroduced the pain to him.
I felt so bad. That's why things seem so empty. It was because of something I did. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. I just ended up falling in love with Kyo on the way. I couldn't help it.
Oh Yuki! I'm sorry for all this pain. I'm sorry for causing so much trouble. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, but I can't help it.
I just thought that it was the right thing. I thought that Kyo was the right thing for me. I thought that he would be able to touch me emotionally, and he has. I love him more with each passing day.
Yuki, you and the rest of the Sohmas will always be dear to me, but I love Kyo.
He holds my heart and I would never want it any other way. I love him and that is how it is.
But, I'm sorry Yuki. I'm sorry Kagura… I pray that someone will win your hearts like Kyo had won mine. I hope that you both find happiness in someone else.
I hope you find love…
I believe things will always turn out for the best. No matter how bad things seem, it will always turn out to be for a good reason…
Like my mom's death. Not, that I don't miss her or anything… it's just that if that didn't happen, then I would never have met you. I would never have known you like I do now. I miss her with everyday, but I know she is watching over me. I know that she's smiling and that is what keeps me smiling.
Love is a powerful thing and I pray that hope will heal your broken heart.
As for me, love is the greatest gift I have.
Love is my everything.
Kyo is my everything.
TO BE CONTINUED…
I hope you liked this chapter… kind of long, but it might just be because of all the spaces. I hope the spaces don't bother you because I feel really comfortable with the format like that. I know it bothers people, but I think it is more easier to read like this. LOL!
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