Three O'clock in the Morning
In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning. – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Looking for an Accomplice
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. – Marquis de LaGrange
It was a trendy new bistro that Sasha had suggested. Sirius often wondered why his family was yet to be caught eating in any one of the local pubs, but had never asked the question so it had never been answered. It was just one more detail that reminded him he did not truly belong in this world and it made him comfortable.
The restaurant – bistro Sasha had called it – was noisy and cozy at the same time. He, Sasha, and Severus were seated at a corner booth, upholstered in teal and copper, with matching drapes separating them from the other diners. Sirius, despite his determined distrust of the restaurant's advertised American-style food, decided that he liked the restaurant and the strange privacy it offered.
Both Severus and Sasha had insisted that they order a meal and eat before discussing whatever it was that Sirius had called them together to discuss. Sirius, after a brief but heated argument, capitulated and even went as far to ask his friends' advice on what to eat. While Severus a beer with the meal, Sirius and Sasha had water.
While they waited for pudding and tea, Sasha slid back in the booth, resting her hands on her abdomen, which was now showing evidence of her pregnancy. Soon she would not be able to sit in the booth at all. "So, what is the Earth shattering problem, Sirius?"
Sirius looked up, startled, tossing his dark hair back over his shoulders. "Was I really that obvious?"
"'I don't really want to talk about it right now – here, I mean – but will you meet me and Sasha for dinner-'" Severus mocked. "Yes, you are quite that obvious and more, besides, Sirius."
The dark-haired, fair-eyed wizard had the good grace to blush at this comment. "Oh," he muttered. "Sorry."
Reaching across the table, Sasha took her brother-in-law's hand in hers. "Siri, he's teasing you, you goof. That's what Severus does."
He blushed more deeply, an innocent shade of rose. "I just don't want you guys thinking I'm just calling you up and seeing you only when I have a major problem. You don't think that, do you?"
Severus snorted. "Something's wrong now."
Sirius just stared at his dinner companion, slightly shocked.
"You haven't apologized for something you haven't done in weeks, Sirius," the man explained. "And you certainly don't just come to us when you have a problem. Unless, that is, you count wanting a chess game or drinking companion to be a major problem, which I certainly hope you don't."
Sirius shook his head, but did not continue until the waiter had brought their desserts to the table and retreated to the kitchens. He found a quiet comfort in having some tea and chocolate pie with friends. It reminded him of times before his time in Azkaban, when he would join the Marauders and Company in the Leaky Cauldron or Enchantment in Diagon Alley for dinner and companionship.
"What's bothering you now?" Sasha asked, around mouthfuls of her pudding. "Is this about James? I thought you were going to confront him."
Sirius nodded. "I think it has something to do with what James said to her. But not directly. And I did talk to James, but it didn't go as planned."
Severus raised an eyebrow at this comment and Sasha merely dug into her pudding with a relish only seen in pregnant women and starving animals.
"I was hoping to beat the living daylights out of the bastard-" Sirius lowered his voice, as an elderly, blue-haired lady in the next booth gasped and glared at him. "But it didn't really work out the way I thought it would."
"Oh?"
Sirius remembered why he had really hated Severus in school; the man could be intimidating and condescending with one word and a twist of the lips. He wondered how the man ever became a schoolteacher, never mind a counselor to troubled teenagers.
"What happened, Siri?" Sasha questioned, after swallowing her mouthful of pudding.
Sirius flushed a deep, cherry red, as he had not turned since his graduation from Hogwarts. He knew that Sasha and Severus were his friends, but that did not diminish his embarrassment by much.
"Really, Sirius," Severus drawled, "One would think that you had not brought up the subject yourself. What happened when you confronted Potter?"
"I cried," the wizard muttered to the tablecloth.
"What?" Sasha asked honestly.
"I cried like a baby, okay?" Sirius snapped. "The bastard opened his front door and I bloody burst into tears!"
Sasha's hazel eyes widened and she recoiled slightly, obviously hurt by the anger her brother-in-law expressed. The elderly woman from the other table glared at them again for interrupting her dinner.
"Sirius," Severus began in a low voice. "It's okay that you cried." He reached out and rested his right hand on his former rival's shoulder. "You hadn't seen Potter in nearly two decades, and you thought he was dead, besides. It's perfectly natural for you to react that way."
"Going to psychoanalyze me, Severus?" Sirius asked, with only a trace of his former bitterness.
Severus sighed. "I'm just trying to say that you shouldn't be embarrassed about it. You've been through Hell, you know, and you can't assume that you will react as you once would."
Sirius stared at his own pudding and poked the cake with his fork. Discussing himself had always made him uncomfortable and this was no exception. He mumbled something incoherent and not particularly meaningful. For a few moments, no one said anything and even Sasha stopped eating.
In an attempt to break the silence, Severus coughed. "Well, now that we have diverged from topic, would you care to tell us why you wanted to have dinner with us?"
Blushing again, Sirius mumbled, "Lily wants us to go into marriage counseling."
"What was that?"
"Lily wants us to go into marriage counseling," Sirius repeated more loudly.
His dining companions stared at him in shock.
"What?" Severus managed to ask.
"Marriage counseling," Sirius enunciated. "My wife wants us to go into marriage counseling!"
"What are you going to do about it?" Sasha looked honestly worried.
"Lie, I believe," the wizard replied with obviously forced lightness.
Sasha frowned and Severus looked almost proud of his friend's answer.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Sirius floundered, wanting the approval of both of his companions. "I can't very well tell the truth! It'll land me a room in the madhouse, you know that."
"I thought you were going to tell Lily the truth," Sasha reproached. "She's your wife and she deserves to know the truth. I thought you agreed with us on that."
Sirius nodded contritely. "I was going to tell, and I did want to come clean. I was going to tell her as soon as I got home to the flat, but then Lily was so upset after what James did. I couldn't very well say, 'I know you're hurt and you ex-husband told you that you're unlovable, but I thought you should know that I'm really a gay wizard from an alternate universe and never actually married you or even felt the slightest twinge of romantic love for you.'"
Sasha winced visibly.
"Obviously," Severus replied, with a slight scowl, though it was unclear whether the schedule was meant for Sirius, James, or Lily. "But why jump to the decision to lie when she suggested counseling? The counseling could well help you with any issues you still have after being in prison."
Sirius' pale eyes flashed at the mention of Azkaban, but he did respond to that particular jibe. "Can you imagine what this Mahbubani woman would say if I told her that the reason I don't want to be involved with my wife is because I'm a homosexual wizard who fell into this universe because I was taunting my insane cousin in the middle of a key battle?"
"You've spent too much time with Severus," Sasha muttered. "I know you can say that, it makes you sound utterly mad. But there are ways of going about things that would get the message across without the same disastrous side effects."
Sirius shrugged. "I know. But, really, how do I say it nicely? Lily is still in a state over what James said – and I can't bear to break Harry's heart. He is the most important thing in the world to me, and whatever hurts Lily hurts him. I can only imagine what Lily would do if I told her the truth right now."
Sasha took Sirius' hand in her own, trying to give him some of the support he so desperately needed. "Siri, I love that you care for Harry and Lily and that you don't want anything bad to happen to them. Don't get me wrong, that's wonderful and I think it's terrific that they have someone to take care of them. But I don't think you should do it at the expense of yourself."
Giving Sasha a Look, Sirius grunted. "I know that, but this is my life now. I can't spend all of my time chasing downs phantoms that may or may not be real and may or may not be a way to get home. I need to learn to function in this world, even if it isn't everything I could want it to be. The last thing I need, if I want to acclimate myself to this place, is for my wife, son, and marriage counselor to all think I'm mad as a hatter."
"He has a point," Severus said dryly. "I encouraged him to tell Lily the truth – of course, Harry already knows. He was the first to know and he trusts you, Sirius. He is not the sort of child who would agree to call you crazy just because the adults around him say so. Harry is something of an independent thinker. But you do have a point. If you want to live here and Lily is already noticing changes, you really only have two options. One is to tell her the truth about this whole situation. The other is to lie through your teeth and pray that everyone believes you."
Sirius buried his face in his hands and pushed his now empty dish toward the middle of the table. "Sweet Merlin, I'd love to tell her the truth. She isn't the same woman I used to know, but I love her the same way. I don't want anything to happen to her. She's the sister I never had. But she's also my wife. And Lils is having enough emotional issues between James and me that I don't want to overcomplicate things for her. Explaining my situation, down to the detail, would only hurt her. It would reinforce what James told her, that I don't love her. And I don't want to imagine what it would do to Harry."
Signaling to the waiter for the bill, Severus smiled grimly. "So, that's it. We're lying through our teeth. What's the story this time?"
Author's Notes:
Again, this is un-beta-ed, so don't blame Hillary (Toasterlicious) if something is wrong. Just blame my cursed e-mail system.
A Happy Little Bumblebee: Thank you. But if the other Sirius is straight as an arrow, how do you think Remus would react to Sirius trying to become romantically involved? And how hurt would Lily be?
LalaithoftheBruinen: Let's go with none of the above, shall we? I have a plan with Gita Mahbubani.... You'll see what happens.
Mr. Happy Java Man: "Corresponding Follies" by EnglishMuffin? That's the Sirius/Harry fic where Sirius is his 'secret admirer'? I love that one... I update once a week, and you'll know when you know.
Samara-Morgan-101: Oh, yes. This is very hard for Sirius.
Snuffles2, sunnysparkles, LittleGreenPerson, Pam Briggs, eruve tinwen, Krylancelo: Thank you.
Toasterlicious: Hey, look! My beta reviewed! Anyway, no. Just the one system, sadly.
Jazzylady: I hope this chapter answered your questions.
Miss JP: Yes, if Sirius tells the truth, it will hurt Lily and Harry. And do they really deserve that?
MarsIsBrightTonight: If Sirius tells the truth – all of the truth – Lily will inevitably be hurt. The man she loves with all of her heart, does not love her in the same way and, in fact, feels that way rather about one of her closest friends (Remus). Should Lily be hurt in that way? And Gita Mahbubani won't steal the show from Sirius, but she is necessary for the plotline. She acts more as a modifier.
Jeanne2: Thank you. As I have mentioned previously, this is not a romance. However, Sirius' sexuality does affect his life and the choices he makes, so I will write of it when it is relevant. But, there will be no slashy smut, especially in this fic. For God's sake, how could there? They are in two separate realities.
Mia: Yes! I am not outdated!
Sailor Christian: Yes... He feels for Lily as a sister... And he would not want to have sex with his sister.
JulyFlame: Thank you. As I told DarkOblivion in the last chapter, I wanted to focus on development rather than plot devices/action in this fic. Far too much fanfiction has too little character development and too much plot.
DarkOblivion316: Of course, you are appreciated. I love your reviews. And Lily is somewhat paranoid about Sirius cheating on her. I've found that in real life, when a woman does not instigate her divorce or break up, she can become overly nervous in her next relationship/marriage that her new partner will do the same thing.
Xin Yi: Thank you. And I do try to do that, but reformats my fic for some reason and changes everything on me.
In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning. – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Looking for an Accomplice
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. – Marquis de LaGrange
It was a trendy new bistro that Sasha had suggested. Sirius often wondered why his family was yet to be caught eating in any one of the local pubs, but had never asked the question so it had never been answered. It was just one more detail that reminded him he did not truly belong in this world and it made him comfortable.
The restaurant – bistro Sasha had called it – was noisy and cozy at the same time. He, Sasha, and Severus were seated at a corner booth, upholstered in teal and copper, with matching drapes separating them from the other diners. Sirius, despite his determined distrust of the restaurant's advertised American-style food, decided that he liked the restaurant and the strange privacy it offered.
Both Severus and Sasha had insisted that they order a meal and eat before discussing whatever it was that Sirius had called them together to discuss. Sirius, after a brief but heated argument, capitulated and even went as far to ask his friends' advice on what to eat. While Severus a beer with the meal, Sirius and Sasha had water.
While they waited for pudding and tea, Sasha slid back in the booth, resting her hands on her abdomen, which was now showing evidence of her pregnancy. Soon she would not be able to sit in the booth at all. "So, what is the Earth shattering problem, Sirius?"
Sirius looked up, startled, tossing his dark hair back over his shoulders. "Was I really that obvious?"
"'I don't really want to talk about it right now – here, I mean – but will you meet me and Sasha for dinner-'" Severus mocked. "Yes, you are quite that obvious and more, besides, Sirius."
The dark-haired, fair-eyed wizard had the good grace to blush at this comment. "Oh," he muttered. "Sorry."
Reaching across the table, Sasha took her brother-in-law's hand in hers. "Siri, he's teasing you, you goof. That's what Severus does."
He blushed more deeply, an innocent shade of rose. "I just don't want you guys thinking I'm just calling you up and seeing you only when I have a major problem. You don't think that, do you?"
Severus snorted. "Something's wrong now."
Sirius just stared at his dinner companion, slightly shocked.
"You haven't apologized for something you haven't done in weeks, Sirius," the man explained. "And you certainly don't just come to us when you have a problem. Unless, that is, you count wanting a chess game or drinking companion to be a major problem, which I certainly hope you don't."
Sirius shook his head, but did not continue until the waiter had brought their desserts to the table and retreated to the kitchens. He found a quiet comfort in having some tea and chocolate pie with friends. It reminded him of times before his time in Azkaban, when he would join the Marauders and Company in the Leaky Cauldron or Enchantment in Diagon Alley for dinner and companionship.
"What's bothering you now?" Sasha asked, around mouthfuls of her pudding. "Is this about James? I thought you were going to confront him."
Sirius nodded. "I think it has something to do with what James said to her. But not directly. And I did talk to James, but it didn't go as planned."
Severus raised an eyebrow at this comment and Sasha merely dug into her pudding with a relish only seen in pregnant women and starving animals.
"I was hoping to beat the living daylights out of the bastard-" Sirius lowered his voice, as an elderly, blue-haired lady in the next booth gasped and glared at him. "But it didn't really work out the way I thought it would."
"Oh?"
Sirius remembered why he had really hated Severus in school; the man could be intimidating and condescending with one word and a twist of the lips. He wondered how the man ever became a schoolteacher, never mind a counselor to troubled teenagers.
"What happened, Siri?" Sasha questioned, after swallowing her mouthful of pudding.
Sirius flushed a deep, cherry red, as he had not turned since his graduation from Hogwarts. He knew that Sasha and Severus were his friends, but that did not diminish his embarrassment by much.
"Really, Sirius," Severus drawled, "One would think that you had not brought up the subject yourself. What happened when you confronted Potter?"
"I cried," the wizard muttered to the tablecloth.
"What?" Sasha asked honestly.
"I cried like a baby, okay?" Sirius snapped. "The bastard opened his front door and I bloody burst into tears!"
Sasha's hazel eyes widened and she recoiled slightly, obviously hurt by the anger her brother-in-law expressed. The elderly woman from the other table glared at them again for interrupting her dinner.
"Sirius," Severus began in a low voice. "It's okay that you cried." He reached out and rested his right hand on his former rival's shoulder. "You hadn't seen Potter in nearly two decades, and you thought he was dead, besides. It's perfectly natural for you to react that way."
"Going to psychoanalyze me, Severus?" Sirius asked, with only a trace of his former bitterness.
Severus sighed. "I'm just trying to say that you shouldn't be embarrassed about it. You've been through Hell, you know, and you can't assume that you will react as you once would."
Sirius stared at his own pudding and poked the cake with his fork. Discussing himself had always made him uncomfortable and this was no exception. He mumbled something incoherent and not particularly meaningful. For a few moments, no one said anything and even Sasha stopped eating.
In an attempt to break the silence, Severus coughed. "Well, now that we have diverged from topic, would you care to tell us why you wanted to have dinner with us?"
Blushing again, Sirius mumbled, "Lily wants us to go into marriage counseling."
"What was that?"
"Lily wants us to go into marriage counseling," Sirius repeated more loudly.
His dining companions stared at him in shock.
"What?" Severus managed to ask.
"Marriage counseling," Sirius enunciated. "My wife wants us to go into marriage counseling!"
"What are you going to do about it?" Sasha looked honestly worried.
"Lie, I believe," the wizard replied with obviously forced lightness.
Sasha frowned and Severus looked almost proud of his friend's answer.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Sirius floundered, wanting the approval of both of his companions. "I can't very well tell the truth! It'll land me a room in the madhouse, you know that."
"I thought you were going to tell Lily the truth," Sasha reproached. "She's your wife and she deserves to know the truth. I thought you agreed with us on that."
Sirius nodded contritely. "I was going to tell, and I did want to come clean. I was going to tell her as soon as I got home to the flat, but then Lily was so upset after what James did. I couldn't very well say, 'I know you're hurt and you ex-husband told you that you're unlovable, but I thought you should know that I'm really a gay wizard from an alternate universe and never actually married you or even felt the slightest twinge of romantic love for you.'"
Sasha winced visibly.
"Obviously," Severus replied, with a slight scowl, though it was unclear whether the schedule was meant for Sirius, James, or Lily. "But why jump to the decision to lie when she suggested counseling? The counseling could well help you with any issues you still have after being in prison."
Sirius' pale eyes flashed at the mention of Azkaban, but he did respond to that particular jibe. "Can you imagine what this Mahbubani woman would say if I told her that the reason I don't want to be involved with my wife is because I'm a homosexual wizard who fell into this universe because I was taunting my insane cousin in the middle of a key battle?"
"You've spent too much time with Severus," Sasha muttered. "I know you can say that, it makes you sound utterly mad. But there are ways of going about things that would get the message across without the same disastrous side effects."
Sirius shrugged. "I know. But, really, how do I say it nicely? Lily is still in a state over what James said – and I can't bear to break Harry's heart. He is the most important thing in the world to me, and whatever hurts Lily hurts him. I can only imagine what Lily would do if I told her the truth right now."
Sasha took Sirius' hand in her own, trying to give him some of the support he so desperately needed. "Siri, I love that you care for Harry and Lily and that you don't want anything bad to happen to them. Don't get me wrong, that's wonderful and I think it's terrific that they have someone to take care of them. But I don't think you should do it at the expense of yourself."
Giving Sasha a Look, Sirius grunted. "I know that, but this is my life now. I can't spend all of my time chasing downs phantoms that may or may not be real and may or may not be a way to get home. I need to learn to function in this world, even if it isn't everything I could want it to be. The last thing I need, if I want to acclimate myself to this place, is for my wife, son, and marriage counselor to all think I'm mad as a hatter."
"He has a point," Severus said dryly. "I encouraged him to tell Lily the truth – of course, Harry already knows. He was the first to know and he trusts you, Sirius. He is not the sort of child who would agree to call you crazy just because the adults around him say so. Harry is something of an independent thinker. But you do have a point. If you want to live here and Lily is already noticing changes, you really only have two options. One is to tell her the truth about this whole situation. The other is to lie through your teeth and pray that everyone believes you."
Sirius buried his face in his hands and pushed his now empty dish toward the middle of the table. "Sweet Merlin, I'd love to tell her the truth. She isn't the same woman I used to know, but I love her the same way. I don't want anything to happen to her. She's the sister I never had. But she's also my wife. And Lils is having enough emotional issues between James and me that I don't want to overcomplicate things for her. Explaining my situation, down to the detail, would only hurt her. It would reinforce what James told her, that I don't love her. And I don't want to imagine what it would do to Harry."
Signaling to the waiter for the bill, Severus smiled grimly. "So, that's it. We're lying through our teeth. What's the story this time?"
Author's Notes:
Again, this is un-beta-ed, so don't blame Hillary (Toasterlicious) if something is wrong. Just blame my cursed e-mail system.
A Happy Little Bumblebee: Thank you. But if the other Sirius is straight as an arrow, how do you think Remus would react to Sirius trying to become romantically involved? And how hurt would Lily be?
LalaithoftheBruinen: Let's go with none of the above, shall we? I have a plan with Gita Mahbubani.... You'll see what happens.
Mr. Happy Java Man: "Corresponding Follies" by EnglishMuffin? That's the Sirius/Harry fic where Sirius is his 'secret admirer'? I love that one... I update once a week, and you'll know when you know.
Samara-Morgan-101: Oh, yes. This is very hard for Sirius.
Snuffles2, sunnysparkles, LittleGreenPerson, Pam Briggs, eruve tinwen, Krylancelo: Thank you.
Toasterlicious: Hey, look! My beta reviewed! Anyway, no. Just the one system, sadly.
Jazzylady: I hope this chapter answered your questions.
Miss JP: Yes, if Sirius tells the truth, it will hurt Lily and Harry. And do they really deserve that?
MarsIsBrightTonight: If Sirius tells the truth – all of the truth – Lily will inevitably be hurt. The man she loves with all of her heart, does not love her in the same way and, in fact, feels that way rather about one of her closest friends (Remus). Should Lily be hurt in that way? And Gita Mahbubani won't steal the show from Sirius, but she is necessary for the plotline. She acts more as a modifier.
Jeanne2: Thank you. As I have mentioned previously, this is not a romance. However, Sirius' sexuality does affect his life and the choices he makes, so I will write of it when it is relevant. But, there will be no slashy smut, especially in this fic. For God's sake, how could there? They are in two separate realities.
Mia: Yes! I am not outdated!
Sailor Christian: Yes... He feels for Lily as a sister... And he would not want to have sex with his sister.
JulyFlame: Thank you. As I told DarkOblivion in the last chapter, I wanted to focus on development rather than plot devices/action in this fic. Far too much fanfiction has too little character development and too much plot.
DarkOblivion316: Of course, you are appreciated. I love your reviews. And Lily is somewhat paranoid about Sirius cheating on her. I've found that in real life, when a woman does not instigate her divorce or break up, she can become overly nervous in her next relationship/marriage that her new partner will do the same thing.
Xin Yi: Thank you. And I do try to do that, but reformats my fic for some reason and changes everything on me.