"What do you mean you cracked?!"
Lane sighed and hopped up and down anxiously as she served Lorelei her morning coffee. "I mean... She pestered! She threatened! She bribed! She blackmailed! She was gonna steal all of my Radiohead cds! I had to tell her!"
Lorelei sighed. "Damn. My mother isn't going to be happy."
"What's wrong?" Luke asked.
"My mother is planning Rory a surprise end of the year party for the day after school lets out," Lorelei replied. "I told Lane, because I thought she'd be good for planning, being the best friend. And I told Jess, seeing as he's the boyfriend, and... well, I don't know why I told Jess."
"You didn't," Lane said guiltily. "I did."
Lorelei shook her head. "You're not very good at this. Why did you tell Jess?"
"I don't know! Maybe he'd think up something really great for her!"
"Well, he can't now, because she knows!" Lorelei cried. "How can he think up something when she knows?"
"I'm sorry," Lane wailed.
The phone rang, and Lorelei hopped up and grabbed it. "Luke's Diner!"
Luke tried to grab the phone from Lorelei, but she dodged him and ran out from behind the counter, stretching its cord almost to its limit. "No, Jess is only here on weekends, can I take a-"she dodged Luke again. "Hold on, my boss is being very rude." She put her hand over the mouthpiece. "Do you mind? I'm taking a call."
Luke shook his head and crossed his arms. "Lunatic."
"Now, what were you saying, Leslie?" Lorelei asked.
Luke's eyes widened. "Leslie?" he hissed. "Hang up the phone!"
"Uh-huh.." Lorelei said as she wrote down the message on a napkin. "Uh... huh... yeah... bye..." She numbly handed Luke the phone, and he hung it up.
"What?" Luke asked. "What did she say?"
Lorelei handed him the napkin.
Luke read it and then tossed it down, putting rubbing his face with his hands. "Aw, jeez"
*****
Jess was just about to take a bite out of his dinner pizza when his phone rang. He'd plugged the phone back in the night before when Jimmy had failed to call him at work. "Hello?"
"SOS!"
"Rory?"
"I lost Georgia."
"So look at a map."
"I'm not kidding!" Rory cried. "Dad needed a babysitter and-"
"You know nothing about babies."
"But I felt guilty, so I said yes," Rory went on. "And she was in my dorm, and now-"
"You're at school?"
"It's Tuesday night!" Rory yelled. "Where else would I be?"
"What do you want me to do?" Jess asked.
"Well, Paris is busy, and Tanna and Janet are MIA-"
He sighed. "I'm on my way."
******
"We need to figure out a time when she'll be available and unsuspicious."
Lorelei sighed as she sat down on the couch next to her mother that evening. "She knows, Mom."
Emily shook her head. "Of course she doesn't. What are you talking about?"
"Lane cracked," Lorelei replied. "She told Rory about the party. And Rory asked Jess, and he apparently does this thing where he'll start a totally new conversation when someone brings up a topic that he doesn't like. And he did it when she asked about the party, so she knows."
"Well, that's terrible," Emily frowned. "The entire thing is ruined."
"It isn't," Lorelei replied. "It's not. We can still do it. We'll just plan a few little surprises. She doesn't know what's going into this party, so she'll be totally surprised at how good it is!"
Emily sighed. "I suppose."
"So she knows about the party," Lorelei sighed. "What she doesn't know is that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend called the diner this morning to tell him that she's pregnant with his kid."
Emily's head snapped to her daughter. "What?!"
*****
"Maybe if we start singing Ray Charles..."
"Not funny," Rory replied. "I can't believe I did this."
"We'll find her," Jess reassured. "And if we don't, we'll just find one of those weird fairies that pose as babies when the real ones are stolen."
Rory did not look pleased with this suggestion.
He knocked on what could have been the millionth dorm room door and it opened to reveal and very drunk-looking young man. Behind him, a large group of people were mingling, dancing and jumping around.
"Yeah?" the drunken guy in front of them asked.
You seen a baby?" Jess asked.
The looked confused for a minute, and then laughed. "Ooooh! You mean Bitty Babe!" He turned back to the people in the room. "Where's Bitty Babe?!"
Someone handed him a baby, and he held her out to Rory.
"Oh, thank god!" Rory cried, taking Georgia. She looked up at the guy in front of them. "If you weren't so drunk, I'd hug you."
The guy laughed again. "Hug me anyways!"
Rory shook her head and rushed off.
Jess shrugged. "Better luck next time."
*****
"So she was no problem?"
"Nope," Rory replied, handing Georgia over to her father. "She was a complete angel."
Chris smiled as he hefted his baby daughter in his arms. "Great! Thanks again, Rory. I'm really sorry this was so last minute. Work has been crazy."
Rory nodded. "I bet."
Chris kissed Georgia on the cheek, but raised an eyebrow. "Why does she smell like Budweiser?"
Rory was about to reply, when Jess stepped forward.
"We went walking, and a couple of drunk girls decided Georgia was the cutest baby in the world. Hard not to smell like beer after that."
Rory nodded in agreement.
*****
Lorelei and Rory walked through Star's Hollow after returning from their Friday dinner in Harford.
"I can't believe you lied to him!"
"I had to," Rory replied. "I couldn't tell him she'd been baby-napped right out from under me!"
"Where were you?"
"C-Spanning," was her quiet, guilty reply.
Lorelei's eyes widened. "You were watching TV?!"
"For half a second!!" Rory cried. "God, I'm gonna be the worst mother in the world."
Lorelei bit her lip. "You found Georgia, though. So it's okay."
Rory nodded. "Jess helped."
"Well... good."
There was a lull in the conversation.
"About Jess..."
Rory raised an eyebrow. "What about Jess?"
"I can't help feeling like he's only in this to sleep with you," Lorelei said quickly.
"Why... why would you think that?" Rory asked defensively.
"I don't know! Why else would he stick around so long?"
"Because we're in a relationship, Mom. That's what people do in relationships, they stick. Like crazy glue." She couldn't believe they were talking about this. She'd thought her mother had been starting to get along with Jess.
"I just can't picture Jess being in this for the long haul," Lorelei said calmly. "He's not that kind of guy."
Rory shook her head. "What brought this on?"
"I just... I know you love him, Angel. I don't want you to get hurt again."
"He loves me, too, Mom."
Lorelei sighed. "Rory, saying it doesn't always equal meaning it."
"He means it."
"You've said it yourself, he's a good liar," Lorelei pointed out.
"He loves me, Mom."
"That didn't stop him from leaving you last year."
Rory couldn't reply. "I have to go study."
Lorelei sighed. "Rory-"
"I'll talk to you later." She walked off toward the house.
*****
She'd gone straight from home to Lane's apartment, leaving a note, and Lane's phone number on the kitchen table.
"Wow, she said that?" Lane asked, pushing a mug of hot chocolate toward Rory.
Rory nodded as she sat numbly in the small apartment. "I don't even know what brought it on. I just mentioned that Jess had helped me baby sit."
"Maybe she's jealous," Dave suggested, sitting on the couch next to Lane, who nodded.
"You do spend a lot of time with Jess these days. Maybe she feels threatened or something."
"Then why didn't she just tell me?"
"Because it could be a mix of that and her mistrust of Jess," Dave replied.
"But she was being really good," Rory reasoned.
"Maybe she realized she was being good, freaked out and reverted," Dave responded.
Rory looked to Lane. "Why isn't he a psychology major?"
******
Jess sighed as he walked over to Lorelei's table. "What besides coffee?"
"How about a heaping bowl of stay away from my daughter?"
Jess looked up at her. "Scuse me?"
Lorelei glared. "Oh. I forgot to give you your phone message." She dug into her purse and handed him a folded up napkin.
He read it and glared back. "What're you doing answering Luke's phone?"
"She says she's pregnant."
"Not my problem."
"She says it's yours."
"Huh."
"You think she's lying."
"It crossed my mind."
"Are you cheating on Rory?"
"If you don't know the answer to that, then you're an idiot." He walked over to the counter, told Luke he was breaking and then walked out the door.
Luke sighed and walked over to Lorelei to fill her coffee. "What the hell was that?"
"I asked him."
"And?"
"And the kid pretty much tore me a new asshole."
"Well, you did suggest something pretty harsh," Luke replied, sitting across from her.
"I just don't want him hurting Rory again," Lorelei told him before taking a sip.
Luke shrugged. "We already know this Leslie is a nut. She's probably lying."
"And if she isn't?"
Luke sighed.
*****
She ran into him on her way to the diner. "Hey."
He nodded, and lit a cigarette.
"Breaking?" Rory asked.
Another nod.
"How many cigarettes have you had in the last five minutes?"
He held up four fingers.
"What's up?"
He took the cigarette out of his mouth and blew out some smoke. "Your mother has found new and inventive ways to hate me."
"She did mention something like that," Rory nodded.
"Huh." He dropped the cigarette, crushed it with his shoe and lit another.
"Since when have you become a chain smoker?" Rory asked.
"Since your mother started answering Luke's phone and taking messages."
"What?"
"Leslie called," he said through his cigarette. He looked almost frantic. "She told Lorelei that she's pregnant. She told Lorelei that the kid is mine."
Rory stared. "...Oh."
"See, but there's only one problem."
Rory shifted a little. "What's that?"
"I haven't touched her in three years!"
"Oh."
He tossed his cigarette to the ground and crushed it as he did with his last one. He went for another, but she took his hands. He looked at her.
"Jess."
He sighed.
"She's lying?"
He nodded. "She's lying."
"Okay," Rory sighed. "Let's go sit in the gazebo and call Gloria and see what's up, okay?"
He nodded.
*****
Taylor was stocking items when he heard it.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN SHE TOLD JAMIE THE SAME THING?!"
He dropped the box he'd been carrying and looked out the window to see Jess Mariano lie down on the floor of the gazebo and put his hands over his face.
Taylor glared and stormed out and over to the center of town, where Luke, Lorelei and Lane had already gathered.
"Luke, keep your foul-mouthed nephew under control. This is not appropriate public behavior!"
Jess used his very special finger to tell Taylor exactly what he thought of his opinion.
"My word!" Taylor gasped.
"Cut it out, Jess," Luke scolded.
Rory was still on her cell phone. "No, Gloria, people just heard Jess yell." She sighed. "Yeah, hopefully we'll see you soon. Bye." She turned off the phone and looked down at Jess. "False alarm."
Jess nodded and sat up.
"False alarm for what?" Lane asked. "What did I miss?"
Jess lay back down with a "thunk" sound.
*****
After watching Taylor lecture Jess on public courtesy, Luke led them all back into the diner.
"Good god, can that man talk," Luke groaned. "Jess, go restock the napkins."
He nodded and was trailed by Rory over to the napkins.
"You okay?"
He shrugged.
She sighed. "Not this again."
"I'm fine," he told her. "Just... hating Leslie. A lot."
"Why would she do that?" Rory asked.
"She's probably just really, really high," Jess muttered, putting the napkins into their holders.
"Ew."
He nodded.
Lorelei sighed as she watched them. "I should apologize for being the girlfriend's evil mom, shouldn't I?"
Luke nodded. "May be good for public relations."
"I can't apologize," she replied. "He's Jess."
"You accused him of cheating on his girlfriend and getting the girl pregnant," Luke pointed out. "Not exactly what I'd call a nice gesture."
Lorelei groaned. "Can you go tell him I'm sorry for me?"
"What?"
"Just... go over, and tell Jess that I'm sorry."
"Why can't you tell him?" Luke asked. "You were getting along a week ago."
"Yeah, but that was before I turned into the girlfriend's evil mom."
"Just go over there and say it."
Lorelei pouted.
Luke sighed. "Jess?"
He didn't turn around from the napkins. "What?"
"Lorelei says she's sorry."
"Okay."
"I am," Lorelei piped up. "I can't say it."
"Whatever."
Lorelei sighed. "What I don't get an apology accepted? A 'That's okay, Lorelei, we're cool?' A 'Go jump into the lake?'"
He finally turned around. "I can tell you to go jump into the lake if it'll make you feel better."
Rory smacked him playfully on the arm. "Stock napkins, coffee boy."
"Huh."
Lane sighed and hopped up and down anxiously as she served Lorelei her morning coffee. "I mean... She pestered! She threatened! She bribed! She blackmailed! She was gonna steal all of my Radiohead cds! I had to tell her!"
Lorelei sighed. "Damn. My mother isn't going to be happy."
"What's wrong?" Luke asked.
"My mother is planning Rory a surprise end of the year party for the day after school lets out," Lorelei replied. "I told Lane, because I thought she'd be good for planning, being the best friend. And I told Jess, seeing as he's the boyfriend, and... well, I don't know why I told Jess."
"You didn't," Lane said guiltily. "I did."
Lorelei shook her head. "You're not very good at this. Why did you tell Jess?"
"I don't know! Maybe he'd think up something really great for her!"
"Well, he can't now, because she knows!" Lorelei cried. "How can he think up something when she knows?"
"I'm sorry," Lane wailed.
The phone rang, and Lorelei hopped up and grabbed it. "Luke's Diner!"
Luke tried to grab the phone from Lorelei, but she dodged him and ran out from behind the counter, stretching its cord almost to its limit. "No, Jess is only here on weekends, can I take a-"she dodged Luke again. "Hold on, my boss is being very rude." She put her hand over the mouthpiece. "Do you mind? I'm taking a call."
Luke shook his head and crossed his arms. "Lunatic."
"Now, what were you saying, Leslie?" Lorelei asked.
Luke's eyes widened. "Leslie?" he hissed. "Hang up the phone!"
"Uh-huh.." Lorelei said as she wrote down the message on a napkin. "Uh... huh... yeah... bye..." She numbly handed Luke the phone, and he hung it up.
"What?" Luke asked. "What did she say?"
Lorelei handed him the napkin.
Luke read it and then tossed it down, putting rubbing his face with his hands. "Aw, jeez"
*****
Jess was just about to take a bite out of his dinner pizza when his phone rang. He'd plugged the phone back in the night before when Jimmy had failed to call him at work. "Hello?"
"SOS!"
"Rory?"
"I lost Georgia."
"So look at a map."
"I'm not kidding!" Rory cried. "Dad needed a babysitter and-"
"You know nothing about babies."
"But I felt guilty, so I said yes," Rory went on. "And she was in my dorm, and now-"
"You're at school?"
"It's Tuesday night!" Rory yelled. "Where else would I be?"
"What do you want me to do?" Jess asked.
"Well, Paris is busy, and Tanna and Janet are MIA-"
He sighed. "I'm on my way."
******
"We need to figure out a time when she'll be available and unsuspicious."
Lorelei sighed as she sat down on the couch next to her mother that evening. "She knows, Mom."
Emily shook her head. "Of course she doesn't. What are you talking about?"
"Lane cracked," Lorelei replied. "She told Rory about the party. And Rory asked Jess, and he apparently does this thing where he'll start a totally new conversation when someone brings up a topic that he doesn't like. And he did it when she asked about the party, so she knows."
"Well, that's terrible," Emily frowned. "The entire thing is ruined."
"It isn't," Lorelei replied. "It's not. We can still do it. We'll just plan a few little surprises. She doesn't know what's going into this party, so she'll be totally surprised at how good it is!"
Emily sighed. "I suppose."
"So she knows about the party," Lorelei sighed. "What she doesn't know is that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend called the diner this morning to tell him that she's pregnant with his kid."
Emily's head snapped to her daughter. "What?!"
*****
"Maybe if we start singing Ray Charles..."
"Not funny," Rory replied. "I can't believe I did this."
"We'll find her," Jess reassured. "And if we don't, we'll just find one of those weird fairies that pose as babies when the real ones are stolen."
Rory did not look pleased with this suggestion.
He knocked on what could have been the millionth dorm room door and it opened to reveal and very drunk-looking young man. Behind him, a large group of people were mingling, dancing and jumping around.
"Yeah?" the drunken guy in front of them asked.
You seen a baby?" Jess asked.
The looked confused for a minute, and then laughed. "Ooooh! You mean Bitty Babe!" He turned back to the people in the room. "Where's Bitty Babe?!"
Someone handed him a baby, and he held her out to Rory.
"Oh, thank god!" Rory cried, taking Georgia. She looked up at the guy in front of them. "If you weren't so drunk, I'd hug you."
The guy laughed again. "Hug me anyways!"
Rory shook her head and rushed off.
Jess shrugged. "Better luck next time."
*****
"So she was no problem?"
"Nope," Rory replied, handing Georgia over to her father. "She was a complete angel."
Chris smiled as he hefted his baby daughter in his arms. "Great! Thanks again, Rory. I'm really sorry this was so last minute. Work has been crazy."
Rory nodded. "I bet."
Chris kissed Georgia on the cheek, but raised an eyebrow. "Why does she smell like Budweiser?"
Rory was about to reply, when Jess stepped forward.
"We went walking, and a couple of drunk girls decided Georgia was the cutest baby in the world. Hard not to smell like beer after that."
Rory nodded in agreement.
*****
Lorelei and Rory walked through Star's Hollow after returning from their Friday dinner in Harford.
"I can't believe you lied to him!"
"I had to," Rory replied. "I couldn't tell him she'd been baby-napped right out from under me!"
"Where were you?"
"C-Spanning," was her quiet, guilty reply.
Lorelei's eyes widened. "You were watching TV?!"
"For half a second!!" Rory cried. "God, I'm gonna be the worst mother in the world."
Lorelei bit her lip. "You found Georgia, though. So it's okay."
Rory nodded. "Jess helped."
"Well... good."
There was a lull in the conversation.
"About Jess..."
Rory raised an eyebrow. "What about Jess?"
"I can't help feeling like he's only in this to sleep with you," Lorelei said quickly.
"Why... why would you think that?" Rory asked defensively.
"I don't know! Why else would he stick around so long?"
"Because we're in a relationship, Mom. That's what people do in relationships, they stick. Like crazy glue." She couldn't believe they were talking about this. She'd thought her mother had been starting to get along with Jess.
"I just can't picture Jess being in this for the long haul," Lorelei said calmly. "He's not that kind of guy."
Rory shook her head. "What brought this on?"
"I just... I know you love him, Angel. I don't want you to get hurt again."
"He loves me, too, Mom."
Lorelei sighed. "Rory, saying it doesn't always equal meaning it."
"He means it."
"You've said it yourself, he's a good liar," Lorelei pointed out.
"He loves me, Mom."
"That didn't stop him from leaving you last year."
Rory couldn't reply. "I have to go study."
Lorelei sighed. "Rory-"
"I'll talk to you later." She walked off toward the house.
*****
She'd gone straight from home to Lane's apartment, leaving a note, and Lane's phone number on the kitchen table.
"Wow, she said that?" Lane asked, pushing a mug of hot chocolate toward Rory.
Rory nodded as she sat numbly in the small apartment. "I don't even know what brought it on. I just mentioned that Jess had helped me baby sit."
"Maybe she's jealous," Dave suggested, sitting on the couch next to Lane, who nodded.
"You do spend a lot of time with Jess these days. Maybe she feels threatened or something."
"Then why didn't she just tell me?"
"Because it could be a mix of that and her mistrust of Jess," Dave replied.
"But she was being really good," Rory reasoned.
"Maybe she realized she was being good, freaked out and reverted," Dave responded.
Rory looked to Lane. "Why isn't he a psychology major?"
******
Jess sighed as he walked over to Lorelei's table. "What besides coffee?"
"How about a heaping bowl of stay away from my daughter?"
Jess looked up at her. "Scuse me?"
Lorelei glared. "Oh. I forgot to give you your phone message." She dug into her purse and handed him a folded up napkin.
He read it and glared back. "What're you doing answering Luke's phone?"
"She says she's pregnant."
"Not my problem."
"She says it's yours."
"Huh."
"You think she's lying."
"It crossed my mind."
"Are you cheating on Rory?"
"If you don't know the answer to that, then you're an idiot." He walked over to the counter, told Luke he was breaking and then walked out the door.
Luke sighed and walked over to Lorelei to fill her coffee. "What the hell was that?"
"I asked him."
"And?"
"And the kid pretty much tore me a new asshole."
"Well, you did suggest something pretty harsh," Luke replied, sitting across from her.
"I just don't want him hurting Rory again," Lorelei told him before taking a sip.
Luke shrugged. "We already know this Leslie is a nut. She's probably lying."
"And if she isn't?"
Luke sighed.
*****
She ran into him on her way to the diner. "Hey."
He nodded, and lit a cigarette.
"Breaking?" Rory asked.
Another nod.
"How many cigarettes have you had in the last five minutes?"
He held up four fingers.
"What's up?"
He took the cigarette out of his mouth and blew out some smoke. "Your mother has found new and inventive ways to hate me."
"She did mention something like that," Rory nodded.
"Huh." He dropped the cigarette, crushed it with his shoe and lit another.
"Since when have you become a chain smoker?" Rory asked.
"Since your mother started answering Luke's phone and taking messages."
"What?"
"Leslie called," he said through his cigarette. He looked almost frantic. "She told Lorelei that she's pregnant. She told Lorelei that the kid is mine."
Rory stared. "...Oh."
"See, but there's only one problem."
Rory shifted a little. "What's that?"
"I haven't touched her in three years!"
"Oh."
He tossed his cigarette to the ground and crushed it as he did with his last one. He went for another, but she took his hands. He looked at her.
"Jess."
He sighed.
"She's lying?"
He nodded. "She's lying."
"Okay," Rory sighed. "Let's go sit in the gazebo and call Gloria and see what's up, okay?"
He nodded.
*****
Taylor was stocking items when he heard it.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN SHE TOLD JAMIE THE SAME THING?!"
He dropped the box he'd been carrying and looked out the window to see Jess Mariano lie down on the floor of the gazebo and put his hands over his face.
Taylor glared and stormed out and over to the center of town, where Luke, Lorelei and Lane had already gathered.
"Luke, keep your foul-mouthed nephew under control. This is not appropriate public behavior!"
Jess used his very special finger to tell Taylor exactly what he thought of his opinion.
"My word!" Taylor gasped.
"Cut it out, Jess," Luke scolded.
Rory was still on her cell phone. "No, Gloria, people just heard Jess yell." She sighed. "Yeah, hopefully we'll see you soon. Bye." She turned off the phone and looked down at Jess. "False alarm."
Jess nodded and sat up.
"False alarm for what?" Lane asked. "What did I miss?"
Jess lay back down with a "thunk" sound.
*****
After watching Taylor lecture Jess on public courtesy, Luke led them all back into the diner.
"Good god, can that man talk," Luke groaned. "Jess, go restock the napkins."
He nodded and was trailed by Rory over to the napkins.
"You okay?"
He shrugged.
She sighed. "Not this again."
"I'm fine," he told her. "Just... hating Leslie. A lot."
"Why would she do that?" Rory asked.
"She's probably just really, really high," Jess muttered, putting the napkins into their holders.
"Ew."
He nodded.
Lorelei sighed as she watched them. "I should apologize for being the girlfriend's evil mom, shouldn't I?"
Luke nodded. "May be good for public relations."
"I can't apologize," she replied. "He's Jess."
"You accused him of cheating on his girlfriend and getting the girl pregnant," Luke pointed out. "Not exactly what I'd call a nice gesture."
Lorelei groaned. "Can you go tell him I'm sorry for me?"
"What?"
"Just... go over, and tell Jess that I'm sorry."
"Why can't you tell him?" Luke asked. "You were getting along a week ago."
"Yeah, but that was before I turned into the girlfriend's evil mom."
"Just go over there and say it."
Lorelei pouted.
Luke sighed. "Jess?"
He didn't turn around from the napkins. "What?"
"Lorelei says she's sorry."
"Okay."
"I am," Lorelei piped up. "I can't say it."
"Whatever."
Lorelei sighed. "What I don't get an apology accepted? A 'That's okay, Lorelei, we're cool?' A 'Go jump into the lake?'"
He finally turned around. "I can tell you to go jump into the lake if it'll make you feel better."
Rory smacked him playfully on the arm. "Stock napkins, coffee boy."
"Huh."