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The Guilt Is Always There

You hate your sister.

That's the thought that has penetrated through your brain for the last three years every time you see her. She is fourteen, you are sixteen, and you can't help noticing that she is extremely pretty. When you look in the mirror, you hate admitting it, but you aren't. Lily's hair is gorgeous: thick and dark red. A beautiful contrast to her bright gren eyes.

Yours just isn't like that. The strands that fall about your shoulders are thin and dull blonde and the eyes you have are large and pale. Whenever people see the pair of you together – which isn't very often at all – they always approach Lily first, as though you, Petunia, are invisible.

In early July 1975 you, Mum and Dad have gone along to Kings Cross Station to collect Lily. When she arrives, she greets her parents with bone-cracking hugs, but just nods curtly to you. Though you've made a solemn vow to hate her forever for her daring to be different, you do wonder why you even bother. For it is quite tempting, you realise, to pick up one of her school textbooks during the summer when she isn't using them and start leafing through it. What does she learn at that school of hers? You're secretly longing to find out, so why can't you both be close, the way sisters ought to be?

That last question is answered the minute she steps through the barrier after her sixth year. She's passed all her exams, taking all her lessons, whatever they might be, at the highest level. Mum and Dad beam at her, saying things like, Oh Lily that's excellent! and Look how well you've done! This is the first time you notice the scarlet badge pinned onto the front of her robes. There is a silver P on it. P must stand for Prefect.

You can't help but ask her, "How long have you had that badge?"

She looks surprised at the sudden question, then answers, "Two years."

Gee, she's even a Prefect! Even her teachers think Lily's special!

Or at least that's the way you see it.

Not that you aren't doing well yourself. You've just finished secondary school and the boy that you've had your eye on for ages has finally agreed to go out with you. Your parents are pleased about it too. The individual is Vernon Dursley. So why are you even bothering to think about your sister of all people?

Just before the four of you leave the station however, something unexpected happens. As you all head for the exit door, Lily turns back one more time, waving to someone. This isn't one of the girls she came off the train with though. This time it's a boy. A boy with very untidy black hair and hazel eyes. He smiles at her, and you're startled to discover that Lily has gone pink. Behind her, your parents glance at each other, eyes shining. Still blushing, Lily turns and walks ahead of you three and is first to reach the car.

She is strangely quiet that summer. Mum and Dad ask her about the person at Kings Cross. She answers them, but you yourself don't find much out about him until one day in mid-July when you are witnessing a conversation during dinner.

"Lily, are you still going over to your friend Anne's house next week?"

Lily's expression is neutral as she replies.

"Yes."

"And is she inviting the other boys you go around with?"

"Yeah." Lily nods as she says this. "They're staying for two weeks and then going back to James's house."

"I remember when you used to call him 'Potter'," Dad comments.

Lily grins uneasily. "Well, I hated him then."

"He's always had a soft spot for you though," Mrs Evans muses.

You have to excuse yourself then, as you are going out to meet Vernon, whom you are beginning to feel very attached to. But that's not for another hour. You just really have to get away. For some reason you can't bear the idea that Lily might have a boyfriend soon. Why you feel like this is a mystery, as you are in that position yourself. You just have a feeling that once Lily enters into this, she's never coming out and that hurts, because you're still really jealous that she leads a much more exciting life then you. You've heard Lily mention some of the spells she's learnt to Mum and Dad, and they sound really useful. Like the Summoning Charm; you lost your bankcard last week and it's completely disappeared. Or the Vanishing Spell.

But these thoughts vanish as you meet up with Vernon. He takes you to a film you've wanted to see ever since it came out last month. It is, most conveniently, a scary one, so he can put his arm around you when you jump.

When September rolls around, Lily goes off again. For the next few months your life is uneventful, apart from the outings with Vernon.

Then your worst fears are confirmed.

One afternoon in late December – New Year's Eve, in fact – there is a clattering on the sitting-room window. You start upright from where you've been lounging on a chair reading a book. Mum rushes over to let the owl in. Her eyes scan the letter and her face lights up as she beams at the opposite wall.

Thoroughly bewildered, you go over to her and say, "Mum, what is it?"

"Oh…" Mum picks the letter up again. "Petunia, Lily's going out with James Potter! Isn't that fantastic?" She is suddenly acting much younger, like she's a teenager herself.

Your jaw drops open in shock. "What?"

Mrs Evans' smile fades. "Really Petunia, I thought you'd act a little pleased. After all, she is your sister."

Mum doesn't, and will never, understand. You don't care if Lily has a boyfriend or not. It's just that old feeling of detachment, that after Lily comes back from Hogwarts after her seventh year, nothing will ever be the same. Well, you still won't get on, obviously, but before now there was always the chance to ask her about her life in the magical world, what you really wanted to find out about so much.

Now there is no chance of that whatsoever. She'd never tell you anyway. She gave up trying to have any sisterly affection for you years ago.

So did you.

When she comes home in July 1978, it's clear she has already decided where she's going to go. A whole crowd comes through the barrier, Lily at the front. James Potter is walking beside her, their hands tightly linked.

That's her future sorted then.

Then there's Vernon…

You realise that you're never going to be able to love him properly, just as a very good friend. That is comforting to accept, to no longer be in doubt. With this in mind, when he asks you to marry him, you say yes. You are now secure. Though it seems strange to you that you used to ogle Vernon at school. Now you know him, he's very nice, but in a different way.

As the next year passes, you forget all about Lily, deny that you were ever associated with those abnormal freaks. Your mother says briefly in a letter that Lily is pregnant, while congratulating you on your own unborn child, but apart from that, you never think about your sister.

However, on the 2nd of November 1981, the first thing you see when you put out the milk bottles is a bundle of blankets.

And peering curiously out of the white folds is a pair of eyes.

Emerald green eyes.

Horror-struck, you read the note inside the child's tiny fist.

Your sister's been murdered.

Her child has been left to you.

You have no choice.

You hate your sister!

But as the child – Harry Potter – grows up, guilt starts to gnaw at you. You should have told Harry who and what he really was.

Who his parents were.

You try to ignore it, but the feeling persists. There is nothing you can do.

The guilt is always there.

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A/N: What did you think?