A/N: AvidTVFan: Thanks for the info. Whoops on me, I knew I should have looked that up... bad me.

A/N: The Finest Kind Pediatrics and Whore House is property of Richard Hooker, author of M*A*S*H. Go read! Good shit!

A/N: And yes, I did just realize that I'm spelling Lorelai wrong. Again, I feel like a dope.

"Married?"

Liz nodded with a smile. "Married."

Luke shook his head, still not comprehending. "But... Married?"

Jess rolled his eyes and got up from the couch in his uncle's apartment. "Yes! Married! We've been sitting here for a half-hour, and you've said nothing of substance!"

Luke sighed. "Okay, where is this wedding gonna be?"

"Here," Liz replied. "TJ and I want to have it here."

"In Stars Hollow?"

"No, Mars," Jess snapped irritably.

"We were hoping to have it at the church here," Liz went on.

"Well... that's... nice," Luke said slowly.

Jess crossed his arms. "Peachy."

Luke gave his nephew a sideways glance. "Did you just say-?"

"Blame Rory."

Luke nodded.

"I want you guys to be there," Liz told them, doing her best to ignore their strange banter. "I'm trying to convince TJ into making you groomsmen."

Luke and Jess gave each other panicked looks.

"You don't have to do that," Luke told her.

"Please don't do that," Jess added quickly.

"I want you guys to be in it," Liz said. "You're my guys."

Jess clenched his jaw. "I have to take a walk." He got up to leave.

Luke followed him to the door. "No."

"I need a cigarette."

"You're staying," Luke hissed. "You can't leave me here with her alone like this."

"I can't stay here. I am not one of 'her guys,'" Jess snapped. "Y'know, the only reason she's paying any attention to me at all is because I nearly got my head taken off by an SUV."

Luke rolled his eyes. "Not this again."

"I'm going."

"When will you be back?"

"Whenever," Jess replied.

"Midnight."

Jess glared. "You can't give me a curfew."

Luke groaned. "Will you just... fine. Just... fine. But if you're late for your shift tomorrow-"

"You can blame Rory," Jess cut him off.

The most horrified expression Jess had ever seen played across Luke's face. The younger man took out a pack of cigarettes and left.

Luke turned back to Liz, who was looking confused, and sighed.

******

Rory and Lane exited the town meeting with smiles on their faces.

"A Halloween ball," Rory said. "This is gonna be great. Any ideas on what you want to go as yet?"

Lane shook her head, and looked to Dave.

"I kind of want to go as John Lennon," he told them.

This got Lane excited. "Oh! Oh! We could be the Beatles!"

Rory blinked at her best friend. "You're a girl..."

"I could be a boy for one night!" Lane told them. "Come on! I wanna be Ringo! I can wear the suit and a mop wig, it'll be fun!"

Dave laughed a little. "We shall see. What about you, Rory? Any ideas?"

Rory sighed. "I don't know yet. Maybe I'll try and talk to Jess about it."

"Try and talk to Jess about what?"

He walked up next to them and wrapped an arm around Rory's shoulders. She smirked and kissed his cheek. "The town's Halloween party," she told him.

"No."

"Oh, come on, it'll be fun," Lane said. "We're gonna be the Beatles."

"Not going," Jess said.

Rory sighed. "We'll dress up as something cool."

"I don't do dress-up."

"You can be Satan," she offered.

He blinked, and eyed his girlfriend warily. "You serious?"

She nodded. "You can be Lucifer."

"What will you be?"

She thought for a moment, and then smiled proudly. "God."

Lane stared at them in shock. "My mother would have both your heads."

Dave snickered at his girlfriend's comment. "How can you guys possibly be seen together? God and the devil wouldn't dare go on a date together."

"We can call a truce for one night," Rory replied. "Isn't that right, Lucifer?"

"Sure thing, Yahweh."

******

Lorelai sighed as she sat in the parlor of her parents' house with her mother.

"So," Emily said after a long moment of silence. "How is the Inn?"

Lorelai blinked. "Fine. I told you last night that the Inn is fine."

Emily nodded. "And Rory is well."

"You saw her last night, Mom," Lorelai reminded. "You know she's fine. What is this about?"

Emily sighed and fidgeted a little. "Well... Oh, for heaven's sake, I'm going to just come right out and say it: Are Rory and Jess having sex?"

"Mom!"

"Well?"

"Oh, my god, Mom, that isn't your business."

"I know you know, Lorelai. Are they?"

"I am not at liberty to say," Lorelai replied. "If Rory wants you to know, she'll tell you."

"They are, aren't they?" Emily asked gingerly. "I was afraid of this."

"So what if they are, Mom?" Lorelai snapped. "She's nineteen."

"She's going to get pregnant," Emily replied. "You know she is. She's going to get pregnant, and drop out of school, all for him, and he'll leave her."

"Mom!"

"She's doomed to repeat your exact mistakes."

"They're protected a lot better than Chris and I were," Lorelai informed her. "I made sure of that."

"But they're still sleeping together!" Emily cried. "And she could still get pregnant!"

"And if she does, we'll deal with it," Lorelai replied. "You know, at least they're in love!"

"You and Christopher were plenty in love!" Emily cried. "Or at least that's what you claimed."

"We were really young, and really, really dumb," Lorelai replied. "Although it was probably the best stupid move I ever made..." she shook her head. "Rory and Jess are different. "They're older than Chris and I were. Rory, at least is more mature, and Jess wouldn't hurt her."

"You're so sure," Emily glared.

"He loves her, Mom. He wouldn't have come back here after five months if he didn't."

*****

"No Lorelai tonight?"

Rory shrugged as they sat down on the bridge. "My grandma wanted to have her over tonight."

Jess nodded. "Lucky her."

"My grandma's not that bad," Rory smirked. "She means well."

He nodded again.

"You've been kinda quiet tonight," Rory pointed out.

Jess shrugged.

"Anything wrong?"

He stared down at the water bellow them.

"Jess?"

"Liz is here."

Rory blinked. She hadn't been expecting that. "Oh... well..."

"She's getting married."

"Wow."

Jess nodded. "She came here to tell me and Luke ... and she wants to have it here.... She wants both Luke and I to be in it."

"Wow."

"Yeah," he replied.

"What did you say?"

"Not much." He took out a cigarette and played with it between his fingers.

She looked at him. He was freezing over and shutting down on her. She took the cigarette from him and tossed it into the lake. He watched it float, and then looked at her questioningly. She took his hands.

"Do you want to be in it?"

He shrugged, not looking at her.

"Do you want to go at all?"

"I... I don't know."

She sighed and let the silence surround them for a moment, until she came up with another question. "Do you... wanna go back to my house and cook me something yummy to eat?"

He gave her a bewildered look.

"I'm hungry."

He smirked and rolled his eyes.

"You wanna have a sleepover?" she asked with a smile. "You can cook me food and I can paint your toenails."

"You stay away from my toes," he warned.

She giggled.

******

Lorelai sighed as she walked into the house that evening. She couldn't believe how much nerve her mother had. She understood that the older Gilmore was worried, but she'd taken it too far.

"Rory?"

"Kitchen!"

When she walked in, show found Rory and Jess sitting at the table. Rory was eating pancakes, and Jess was... well, he was attempting to remove red nail polish from his toes.

Lorelai stared for a moment, before bursting into laughter.

Jess rolled his eyes and kept trying to remove the red paint.

When Lorelai caught her breath, she went over and grabbed the left- over pancakes from the counter. She stared at Jess's feet more, and laughed again. "Tell."

"I made her pancakes and she repaid me by attacking me with nail polish," Jess grumbled.

Rory smiled. "I think the color brings out your eyes."

"I think that if you ever do that again, I'm attacking you with hair dye."

Rory couldn't help but snicker. "You're so cute."

He rolled his eyes and continued.

"How was your dinner with Grandma?" Rory asked.

Lorelai bit her lip. "It was... awkward... mostly."

"Why awkward?" Jess asked, trying to erase the last traces of red from his feet.

"It's always awkward with Mom and Grandma," Rory explained. "That's normal."

"Oh, no, Sweets, tonight reached a new level of awkwardness," Lorelai informed them.

"Oh?" Rory asked. "Do tell."

Lorelai began to talk, but wrinkled her nose. "One second." She walked out of the room and came back with a can of Lysol, which she began to spray Jess's feet with.

He pulled his feet back and nearly tipped his chair over from surprise. "AH! What-?!"

"Mom hates the smell of nail polish remover," Rory explained. She turned back to her mother. "So?"

Lorelai sighed, and sat down at the table with them. "Well... she had... a question."

"About?" Jess asked.

"You guys."

The couple glanced at each other.

"W-... what about us?" Rory asked, nervously.

Lorelai sighed. "She uh... wanted to know whether or not you guys had..."

Rory turned bright red, and Jess leaned back and sighed.

"I'm really sorry. She cornered me."

Jess shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

Both Gilmores stared at him.

"What?" Jess asked. "So she knows. We're not doing anything wrong. What, does she think I'm using Rory?"

Lorelai sighed. "Well..."

"If anything Rory's using me."

Rory stared at her boyfriend blankly. "What?!"

"She only wants me for my body."

Rory glared.

Lorelai blinked.

"What?! She does!"

Rory reached over on the table and picked up the nail polish.

Jess glared at her. "You wouldn't."

She unscrewed the top, and took out the little blush. "Hold still."

Jess got up and ran, and Rory gave chase.

Lorelai watched them go with a smirk and ate her pancakes.

******

Luke sighed as he waited for Lorelai to pick up the phone.

"House of pain!"

He blinked. "Lorelai?"

"Luke! Hey!"

In the background he could here a loud crash and a short scream.

"Uh..."

"Don't mind the noise, Jess and Rory and wresting."

"What?!"

Lorelai laughed. "She's trying to paint him up with red nail polish. He's only defending himself. I'm supervising to make sure it doesn't end up like an episode of Girls Gone Wild."

Luke's face scrunched up. "Ah, god."

"Sorry. Bad mental image?"

"You have no idea." He heard Jess yell something out in the background, which was followed by a loud thump. "You have no idea how raunchy that sounded."

"It's completely innocent," Lorelai reassured. "Until I go to bed. Then, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be Girls Gone Wild all the way. This house will transform from The House of Pain, to the Finest Kind Pediatrics Hospital and Whore House."

"Change of subject, please?"

"Okay, shoot. Why are you calling?"

"Liz made me."

Lorelai blinked. "Liz? She's in town?"

Luke sighed. "Yeah. She came to tell us that she's getting married. Here. In Stars Hollow. And she wants Jess and I to be groomsmen."

Lorelai snickered. "Oh, no..."

"It's not funny! It's scary!" He whispered his next words. "She's marrying the Etch-e-Sketch guy!"

"You think you have it bad?" Lorelai asked, watching as Jess tried to get to his feet, but was pulled back to the floor by Rory. "My mother asked my about Rory's love life at dinner tonight."

"Weren't we straying from this topic?" Luke asked.

"Why did Liz make you call?"

"She wanted me to make sure Jess was okay," Luke replied.

Lorelai sighed. "You know, for someone who shipped her kid off so she wouldn't have to deal with him anymore, she's sure showing a lot of concern now..."

"I know," Luke replied. "I think its scaring Jess. He was outta here like a bat out of hell tonight."

"That could just be his hormones...Which are really taking over right now. JESS!"

"I'll... let you go..."

"Okay," Lorelai replied. "Bye, Luke."

He sighed. "Bye."