Six months after Harm left for flying Mac was standing in the airport anxiously and nervously awaiting the return of him. She hadn't seen him for six months, but in that time they had exchanged a large number of letters and even a few phone calls. In some ways she knew him better now than she ever had before. However that was also what made her so nervous right now. She didn't know how she was going to act around him or how he would act around her.
And then there he was. As handsome and proud as he had been when he left. She waved at him, but he had already noticed her and was walking straight to her.
Without saying anything he dropped his bags and wrapped her in his arms.
"I missed you," she got out and felt her cheeks getting embarrassingly wet.
"Hey, you can't cry now that I'm back, Marine," he protested, but she could see the tears in the corner of his eyes as well.
"Sorry," she smiled at him.
"So are we going to stand here for the rest of the day because I recall being promised dinner..."
"Right, I was thinking we could stop by at Beltway Burgers..." Mac ducked her head before Harm's arm swung lightly into it. "Alright, alright, maybe we can find something in my apartment."
"Well, we'd better," Harm muttered and together they walked out of the airport and towards Mac's car. 'It sure was good to be home,' he said to himself.
"Hold on a second and I'll put the casserole on for heating," Mac said and disappeared into the kitchen. She had asked him if he'd rather go home to his place and bring the casserole with him, but he had said he wanted to eat with her and as soon as possible too. He was really tired, but he had missed her too much to say goodbye to her again so soon.
He sat down on her couch and started to make himself comfortable, but then he sat up more straight realizing that he shouldn't be too comfortable or he might fall asleep.
"So, how have you been? Tell me everything," Mac said as she returned and sat down on the couch beside him.
"You should know. I did write to you several times a week."
Mac smiled at the thought of the letters. She would never have admitted it, but some, well maybe a lot of weeks reading those letters had been the best thing. They had made her smile and laugh. Quite early on in the deployment they had some how changed character. They were no longer from her potential date Harm, but just from her best friend Harm. She hadn't dared to ask what had caused this to change and since she had still been so insecure about where she wanted to stand with Harm, it had felt reassuring that they were still best friends like that, however she had been disappointed too.
"But I want to hear it from you. I still think it's weird that I wasn't sent out on even one single investigation to the Patrick Henry during your time there."
"Maybe I was setting a good example for the rest of them," Harm proposed as a reasonable explanation.
"Sounds really plausible, Commander," Mac mockingly agreed. She got up from the couch to get the food and then they spent the rest of the early evening eating and catching up. Most of the things they were both already filled in on, like Mac's promotion to lieutenant colonel for instance, but they could still find new things to talk about. At one point though Harm just had to go home or he would have crashed right there on the spot. Mac drove him back to his apartment and silently thanked whoever had been responsible for bringing back her best friend in one piece.
"You've been busy at work lately, haven't you?" Zachary asked as Mac and he were driving over to Baltimore for Christmas. At this point Harm had been back for a little more than six weeks.
"Not more than usually," Mac said.
"Whenever I've tried to get a hold on you, you were off to some work dinner or something like that.
It wasn't because she actually meant to not tell him about her dinners with Harm, that really had been work dinners, at least that was how everyone of them started out and got more personal later on, so she hadn't been lying, she just knew that not mentioning Harm's name was saving them from more uncomfortable discussions on the topic.
"Maybe you're right," she said.
"Is there something that I should be aware of?" he joked with her. They both knew that they would soon be given the third degree on their love life by their mother and those talks, also known as interrogations, normally started off with that phrase.
"I guess Jimmy gets off this time," Mac laughed.
"It's a miracle he's found someone to come along," Zachary muttered and Mac playfully hit him.
"Hey, be nice."
"I don't want you two to gang up on me," Zachary said acting like the thought was scaring him.
"Sarah, are you coming?" Marilyn started going towards the room, but stopped when Mac assured her that she'd be there any moment.
The whole family was going to the cemetery to visit Diane's grave. It had been a family tradition of some sort to go there on every Christmas Day since Diane had died and today was the first time Mac was coming along. It was in fact the first time she was going there at all. She had once asked Jim where Diane was buried and he had told her where. She had even driven over there once after one of the visits to her parents. At the parking place she had been unable to get out of the car and she had just sitten there for the longest time until she had driven off back to Washington again.
They all got into the two cars they were driving over to the cemetery by the church. Mac rode together with Marilyn, Jimmy and his girlfriend Maria. Maria was a Petty Officer stationed at the same base as Jimmy and she was deeply terrified of Mac. Mac didn't know if it was just the marine part or the fact that she was a lieutenant colonel, but Maria hardly spoke a single word to her, which was pretty hard not to notice considering they were both sharing Diane's old room.
The whole group walked up to the grave. Marilyn walked over to the stone and brushed away the snow that had gathered on it.
"Here she lies my little girl," she said "One of my little girls." She looked up at Mac. They put out the small grave-lights they had brought along and lit them for their daughter and sister.
Mac thought about the fact that here lay this person, her sister, whose life her own was so entwined with, yet they had only known each other when they were babies and would never have the chance to do so now.
"Let's all squeeze into the car. You can fit three in the back, right?" Jim asked as they were once again standing on the parking place.
"We're all riding with you home. Where is Marilyn going?" Mac asked slightly confused.
"Mom has this thing she does every Christmas Day. I don't know why or where, but she always goes away somewhere alone. Since Diane's death it's always been after the visit here," Jimmy tried to explain to her.
At the same time Marilyn walked over from her car, which was parked a short distance away.
"Sarah, would you like to come with me?" she asked knowing that someone had probably filled her in on her special Christmas tradition by now.
"Sure," Mac said slightly confused and followed her back to the car.
"This is where I go every Christmas," Marilyn said and wiped away the snow from the park bench before she sat down on it. It was a beautiful park in the summer. Filled with flowers, green grass and children that were playing on the playground. On this day however the two first things were sleeping under a cover of snow and the children were at home with their families and by this time probably playing with their new toys.
Mac sat down beside her. The ride in the car had been done in silence, but now Marilyn seemed to be ready to talk about the reason for the visit to the park.
"Once I lost the hope for your return... I... I started wishing that you had died instead of being kidnapped. Because then I would have known where you were and I'd have a grave to visit and... I'm really sorry, Sarah. You were alive and in trouble and all I did was wishing that you were dead. I should have felt that you were alive, I should have known. Do you think you can ever forgive me for that?"
Tears were starting to make their way down her cheek. Mac was unsure of what to say. She hadn't had many really deep conversations with Marilyn before and the revelation was catching her with surprise. She took time collecting herself to make sure she would say the right thing.
"I forgive you, Marilyn," Mac said trying to keep her voice strong and convincing, because what she was saying was the absolute truth "I can understand why you would feel that way so you don't have to apologize to me about that."
"Since I didn't have a grave I used to come here instead. When the children were young, they would come as well, but they never knew what significance this place had. Right before they took you, we'd been here, you, Diane and me. I don't think I was ever as happy as I was at that moment. I had just found out that I was pregnant with Jimmy, you and Diane were such angels and Zachary was doing so well in school. Then everything was just ruined by those people who took you away."
"I'm sorry," Mac said for some reason wanting to take on the responsibility her adoptive mother had been unwilling to take.
"You were not at fault, Sarah. Don't ever think that you were and don't ever say that again," Marilyn had turned her eyes away from the playground and looked Mac in the eyes. "They hurt you and they hurt us. They hurt Diane more than I thought was possible."
"Sometimes I wonder if you were disappointed that I came back and not Diane," Mac admitted.
"Diane can't come back. She's gone forever, but I'm so glad that you are here, back with us where you belong," Marilyn paused "The two of you are more alike than you know. I think Diane never really got over wondering if we'd rather have kept you than her, if we'd been given a choice. It's horrible to think that way and I think she tried her best not to. However she never quite managed to put it away. She put so much pressure on herself to always be the best and succeed. She did it for us and not for herself."
Mac sat quiet. She had never thought about it that way. That Diane had felt any of those things, the same fears that she at times were having.
"I would have loved to have met her. It's a wish that just grows stronger and stronger even though I know that it can never happen."
"Just not in this life," Marilyn said. There were a few moments of silence and then she said "She addressed her diary to you, did you know that?" Mac of course shook her head no "Some people write 'Dear diary', but she wrote 'Dear Sarah'. The diaries are still at the house, if you would like to have them. I meant to give them to you, but it just never happened. I think they belong to you."
"I couldn't read them," Mac said "But if you feel that I should have them, I would love to," Mac said. They remained sitting silent on the bench for some couple of minutes until they both felt ready to get back to the house and the rest of the family.
TBC