"You cannot be serious about this." Lucky offered, immediately.
"I am. I've always wanted children, you know that. And not so long ago I wished everything that you would be the father. You are wonderful with kids and I know that you would always be there . . ." She started.
"Elizabeth, I'm honored that you asked me, but we're not together. We haven't been for some time. I don't just want to be someone in my child's life that is there every other weekend."
"You won't be. I want you to be a part of everything."
"Elizabeth . . .it's just that I want a traditional family. Mother, father, 2.5 kids in the midst of suburbia. Who knows where we'll be five years from now, or ten years from now. I cannot make a commitment like this, not even to you."
She turned away, unable to face him, and knowing that what he said was true.
"I don't know what I was thinking, I'm sorry." She offered, still looking away.
"Liz . . ." He said, waiting for her to turn, she didn't.
He continued anyway, "Some day you are going to be a wonderful mother. You'll find someone that makes you happy and you'll have that life you deserve so much. Just because everything did not work out this time does not mean that it won't in the future. You are upset and not thinking rationally. Take a step back, consider what you just asked me."
She turned toward him.
"The Elizabeth I knew would never give up on her dreams so easily. I know it hurts, Elizabeth, but everything that hurts makes you stronger. You know that more than anyone."
"Thank you, I really needed that today." She offered
* * * ". . .The way Jason is with Michael and their history, I could never do that to him. I could never tell him what we have lost. He hurts enough and I need to be strong for him. We will make it through this. He never has to know. As much as I wish I could tell him, it will hurt him more in the long run . . "
Courtney looked down at her words on the page, believing with everything inside of her that she had made the right decision. She had considered asking Elizabeth but knew from before what her answer would be. She knew that the decision was her own, and she had made it.
She would not tell Jason.
She closed her journal just as Jason walked in. He sat down and let out a ragged sigh.
"She wasn't there. Alcazar moved her again." He offered.
"I'm sorry,' She offered, moving next to him and allowing him to hold on to her.
"Sonny believes that Rick is the key, that he will have the information that Alcazar won't expect. But all Rick has done is lie, why would he change now?"
"Maybe he wants to make up for what he put Carly through."
"Sonny believes it, I don't. He claims what he did to Carly was revenge to what he believed that Sonny did to Elizabeth. He says that now he has come to his senses and realized that Sonny would not hurt Elizabeth and feels the only way he can rectify his sins is to help. But he won't even take the blame for what he has done, he just keeps repeating that he did it all for Elizabeth . . . and the baby they lost."
Courtney let out a breath she did not know that she was holding.
"Is something wrong?"
Courtney did not want to admit to anything and did not want to drop any hints that she had been pregnant. But at the mention of Elizabeth's loss, she had reacted and was now afraid that somehow Jason would find out.
"No, nothing. I'm fine." She paused, feeling guilty for lying, "I just imagined how Elizabeth must be feeling."
There was a moment of silence and then Jason spoke.
"She's strong, stronger than she lets on. But I'd imagine even she really needed someone after her loss. Maybe that was why she turned back to Rick, because it was too painful to live through alone."
Courtney could finally understand why Elizabeth had gone back with Rick after she lost the baby. She wanted so badly to tell Jason and let herself lean on him, like Elizabeth had been able to with Rick, but she reminded herself that Jason needed her so that he may rescue Carly. She remained mum.
Jason noticed.
"What is it? What aren't you telling me?" He asked.
"I ran into Elizabeth in the park." She offered, "She told me that when she found out she was pregnant it was when she was fighting with Rick. She hadn't wanted to tell him but the moment he learned of her pregnancy she thought he had changed."
"Rick is the same as he was before. She was just more willing to believe his lies."
Courtney was quiet. Jason did not notice that anything was different and they sat together, holding eachother, each for a different reason.
Sonny rushed in, "Jason, Alcazar's yatch just docked at Pier 52. If Carly is there, we need to go, now."
Jason got up and left, looking back only briefly and for a second he saw the pain that Courtney was trying desperately to conceal. If it had not been for Carly's containment, he would have stopped and asked her why.
The moment the door shut and she heard their footsteps disappear, Courtney started to cry. During her sobs, Michael came down the stairs.
"Aunt Courtney, what's wrong?" He asked, worried.
She wiped her tears away, "I was just thinking about someone I use to know."
* * *
Lucky was long gone, but she had stayed. She had no real place to go and was in no hurry to get back to her studio.
Her studio was her home at the moment, having packed up and left her home with Rick as soon as she could. She did not want to walk in that home everyday because every moment spent within those walls had been a lie, and she wanted no part of it.
The studio had always been a safe place. It was where she would run to when times with Lucky got overbearing or when she needed a moment of solitude in her hectic life. But now all she knew was loneliness and the studio was no longer an escape.
The studio still reminded her of Jason and she imagined the life they could have led if Courtney and Rick had never come to town. Or if Courtney was still with A.J. and Rick had never learned of his brother Sonny. Perhaps they would be happy now. Perhaps they would have a family of their own.
But it was not meant to be, she told herself. And despite encouraging words from Lucky, she felt like she was on the verge of falling into a deep black pit of solitude.
She pulled out the little bear from her purse, her one connection to that imaginary family she had almost had with Rick, and held it close to her heart. Some tears fell and she did not wipe them away.
"Why?" She asked, looking up towards the sky, briefly believing that someone might hear her.
With no answer, she shoved the bear back in her purse and wiped the tears off her cheeks. She knew that the only way she could get past this was to not dwell in the past, with what IF questions, but concentrate on her future.
Elizabeth's cell phone purred and she pulled it out of her purse.
"Hello?"
"Liz, it's Courtney."
Elizabeth could tell that something had happened because Courtney's voice sounded weak.
"I'll be at Kelly's, why don't you come by?" Elizabeth offered.
"I'll leave now."
* * * When they met eachother, it was awkward to say the least, but comforting. They sat outside, across from eachother, completely silent. Just looking across the table and seeing someone there that had gone through something similar was a great comfort to them both. Although neither would ever admit it.
"I decided not to tell Jason, but when he came home briefly tonight, I wanted so much to tell him."
"You want to because you know that it is the right thing to do."
"But what will it accomplish? The baby is gone. Nothing good can come from it."
"It is human nature to want to reach out your hand and have someone there to hold on to. It's just the same with grief; you want someone whom can relate to what you are going through. You want Jason to be that someone, and that's not wrong."
"He'll never understand." Courtney offered, tearfully.
"He can understand loss, better than most, but he won't understand lying about something this important. The longer you wait to tell him . . ."
Courtney completed her thought, "The more betrayed he will feel."
"Don't wait, Courtney. Tell him. If you don't, and he finds out some other way, he will not accept anything you have to say."
* * *
Courtney came back to Sonny's empty penthouse. She talked to Leticia briefly about nonsense and offered to stay with Michael in her place. With the other woman gone, she crept up the stairs and into Michael's room. She watched him sleep and imagined for a brief moment that he was her son with Jason and that they were leading a blissfully happy life together.
She left the room, so not to let herself be carried away in her dreams of a family. On her way back to the stairs she passed the nursery that Carly had started for her little one.
Courtney put a hand on her stomach, "I feel you here, little one, inside me still. When I close my eyes I imagine your bright blue eyes and pray that in heaven you know that my heart is with you. And I hope you know that your father loves you."
She did not cry she just stood motionless, longing for someone to come and wrap comforting arms around her. Strong arms that would help her through this time.
She heard the door open downstairs.
* * * Elizabeth locked the door and wandered blindly through her studio that was completely dark. She had chosen not to turn on the light. She found her way easily to the couch, removed her jacket, and laid down on its lumpy but inviting surface.
She closed her eyes and dreamed of her many loves: Lucky, Jason, and finally Rick. Most were happy memories, all bleeding into eachother. The faces would change and she would take no notice, just smile thankfully that she had them. But just as suddenly as the memories would fade into eachother, harsh memories came to her: The day Lucky had perished in the fire, the day she saw him with Sarah, Jason constantly pushing her away, the moment she realized what horrible things Rick had done, and finally the most horrible memory of them all, the loss of her daughter.
She jumped up in her sleep, it was morning. She looked around the room and found her purse, dug deep within in and pulled the bear out. Now that she was up, she knew she would not be able to get back to sleep, and decided to head to Kelly's for a cup of coffee.
She left, taking the bear with her.
* * * "Courtney?" Jason called into the penthouse.
"Jason." She whispered, and climbed down the stairs.
She ran into his inviting arms and he held her unsure.
"What happened?" He asked, startled by her mood.
She caught herself just about to let the words slip out but they didn't.
"I was just so worried about you." She offered.
He bought it.
"We got Carly back." He offered.
"Is she okay?" Courtney asked, knowing he would not give her the details if she asked how.
"She seemed alright. Sonny is with her at the hospital just to make sure."
"Thank God." She said, breathless.
It was then she realized that there was no longer an excuse for her not to tell him. Carly was home safe and Jason no longer had the burden of Carly's disappearance on his shoulders.
Just a minute ago she had caught herself telling him. Was that because she knew it was the right thing to do? Or was it out of the guilt of concealing something this monumental from him?
"Jason, there is something-" She started but was interrupted by his phone ringing.
"Morgan."
Courtney let out a sigh and sat down on the couch.
"Okay, Sonny, I'll do it right away."
He hung up and before he had the words out of his mouth she said them for him, "You have to go."
He nodded.
"Are you okay here tonight?" He asked, concerned.
"I'm fine." She said, feigning indifference.
"If you need me, call." He offered.
He walked out again and just as before her tears began.
* * * When she made it there the diner was closed. She pulled out her key, opened the door, and went to the counter and started the coffee maker. She knew that Bobbie would not mind.
The act of making the coffee was so familiar that she could have done it with her eyes closed. But she concentrated on it so her mind could not wonder to other thoughts and her eyes could not wander to her purse where the bear was stashed.
She pulled down a single chair at a table and returned to the counter for her coffee. She then went to the jukebox and made a random selection, after first making sure the volume was low so not to wake the few tenets with lodgings upstairs, Lucky being one of them.
She wasn't ready to face him again after their conversation in the park. Instead she tried to focus on the music and tune out everything else.
*"Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
And don't bother leaving the light on"*
She went back to the counter and pulled out the bear from her purse. The bear was so tiny and cute and she equally wanted to hold it as she wanted to throw it away from her.
*"Cuz I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a stranger inversion
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone"*
She threw the bear across the diner as if repulsed by the sight of it and it landed behind the jukebox.
*"Honey help me out of this mess
I'm a stranger to myself
But don't reach for me, I'm too far away
I don't wanna talk 'cuz there's nothing left to say"*
* * * Jason had done what he was told. He had gone by the brownstone and told Bobbie that her daughter was safe and healthy. Bobbie had insisted that he come with her to the hospital to visit Carly and so he did.
In the early morning hours he was walking back to the penthouse when he saw the light on in the diner. He decided to take a look to see if they were open early and he could possibly get something to take home for Carly to celebrate her homecoming as well as something for Courtney whom had seemed down as of late.
He looked in the diner and saw no one at first. He was confused to why the lights would be on this early in the morning. He looked inside and saw no one in sight. He pulled slightly on the door and it was locked, the "CLOSED" sign was still in the window. He was about to turn around when he saw her.
She was trying to move the jukebox, for whatever purpose he did not know. But whatever the reason, it was upsetting her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and he could not help but feel something for her.
He knocked on the door and startled her. She looked at him as though he was the last person on Earth that she wanted to see. She wiped the tears off her cheeks, took a few calming breaths, and unlocked the door.
She opened the door slightly.
*"Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
'Cuz there's no kind of loving that can make this all right
I'm trying to find a place I belong"*
Before she could say anything to drive him away he said, "Need some help?"
She considered it briefly and then opened the door to let him in. She quickly closed it and he reminded her softly to lock it. Despite everything, he still worried.
"Why are you trying to move this?"
"I lost something behind it." She said, her eyes still wet from crying.
*"And I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentile coercion"*
He moved the jukebox easily and saw what lay behind it, a small white bear. He instantly knew the significance of the item and said nothing. He handed it to her and she held onto it as if for dear life.
"Thank you." She said, trying not to sound too gracious.
He moved the jukebox back in place and plugged it back in. For a moment there was an awkward silence and he felt as though he should go. He started towards the door when he stopped dead in his tracks. The song that had been playing kicked back on in the spot it had just left off.
*"And I ran my hand o'er a stranger inversion
As the darkness turns into the dawn"*
"We got Carly back." He offered.
"When?" Elizabeth asked, still holding onto the bear.
"Late last night."
"Is she alright?" Elizabeth asked, compassionately.
"Sonny took her to GH just to make sure, but she is okay."
"Is the baby okay?" Elizabeth asked, with a far away looking of longing in her eyes.
"As far as I know."
Jason turned once again to leave but this time Elizabeth stopped him.
"Jas-" She started and he turned, noticing she still had the bear tight within her grasp.
"I just wanted you to know-that I had no idea about what was happening." She offered, and he knew immediately to what she was referring.
She continued, "You know that Carly is not my favorite person but I would never-"
He interrupted, "I know you wouldn't."
"Just the idea of what Rick was planning to do-" She paused, getting caught up in her emotions, "I wish I could have-"
*"The child is gone
The child is gone"*
(Fiona Apple/The Child is Gone/Tidal)
She started to tear up and he did not hesitate to reach out to her and hold her. At first it was awkward, but only for a moment, and then they were comfortable with each other as if it had always been that way; As though they were two pieces to a puzzle that fit just right.
"I never told you that I was sorry . . ." He whispered to her, "about your loss."
She pulled away from him and walked towards the counter letting her back face him.
"Everybody is sorry. All everyone ever says is sorry and that they can understand how I feel. But they don't . . ." She turned, "They don't understand. . ."
She unknowingly poured a second cup of coffee, black, just as Jason liked it, and set it down at the table. He pulled the other chair down and sat. She sat at her chair and for a moment they both were silent.
"In my dreams I have lived this life with her. I pick out her clothes for her first day of school and comment to myself how fast she is growing until she is suddenly this young woman asking what to wear on her fist date. And for that split second when I wake up it is although it is all true until it hits me-that it has all been a dream and I'll never have those moments with her."
She looked up into his eyes at that moment and could read him like she had so many times before. She could see that he understood without him having to explain.
* * *
He had told her to call but she wasn't sure if she could do it. She knew that she could not tell him on the phone but the thought of the look he might give her face-to-face as she told him frightened her.
She went towards the phone and picked it up out of its cradle. She knew that despite the fact that Carly was back there was still business to be done. That was why he had left. Was it too important to be interrupted by a call from her?
But before she could carefully consider it, she dialed his number. Realizing what she had done, she hung up the phone before the first ring.
As soon as he came home she would tell him. Out of nervousness she starts pacing.
* * *
She was right, he understood what she was trying to express, but she misinterpreted why.
"So how are you doing?" She asked, concerned.
He looked at her quizzically.
"I know. Courtney told me. I know how much you wanted children, this must be difficult for you."
"Courtney told you what?" He asked.
She was convinced that Courtney had not told him that for a moment they had leaned on each other for support. Maybe Courtney had not wanted him to know that someone had known about the loss before he had.
"We ran into each other in the park, she hadn't meant to talk to me but I guess she was just in so much pain that anyone with an ear nearby was what she needed."
He looked at her confused as she continued.
"I know that you must be hurting too, but she needs you more than you know. It is an extremely difficult time and I know when I . . ."
Her voice trailed off as he realized what had happened to Courtney while at the same moment she realized that he had been clueless up until this point.
Their eyes met and Elizabeth was almost afraid to breathe. The look in his eyes reminded her of the look within them when she had found him in the snow at the brink of life and death. He looked as though he might give up that day and the same look was in his eyes now.
"Jason-" was all she could mutter at first, "I thought you knew."
He stormed off, leaving his half-empty coffee mug and an empty seat. She stared into her own cup of coffee and feared what she might have started.
* * * The moment he entered she could tell that something had changed. His demeanor was different and his eyes were cold.
"Has something happened with Carly?" She asked, concerned.
"No, Carly is fine." He answered, simply.
He did not want to have to confront her. He wanted it to be her decision to tell him but the fact was eating him up inside. Despite his own hesitation to bring up the topic, he thought he would get the conversation started.
"Dr. Meadows is sure that the baby is fine. There should be no complications."
"Carly and Sonny must have been very happy to hear that."
He was silent. She decided it was now or never.
"Jason . . ." Her voice trailed off.
Their eyes met. She chickened out. He read this in her eyes and got angry. Sure, he kept the truth from her, but not on anything that mattered. Only his business was closed off to her, everything else was an open book. Why could she not be the same way with him.
"I need to run an errand." He offered, and left before Courtney could squeeze in a word.
* * *
"I am. I've always wanted children, you know that. And not so long ago I wished everything that you would be the father. You are wonderful with kids and I know that you would always be there . . ." She started.
"Elizabeth, I'm honored that you asked me, but we're not together. We haven't been for some time. I don't just want to be someone in my child's life that is there every other weekend."
"You won't be. I want you to be a part of everything."
"Elizabeth . . .it's just that I want a traditional family. Mother, father, 2.5 kids in the midst of suburbia. Who knows where we'll be five years from now, or ten years from now. I cannot make a commitment like this, not even to you."
She turned away, unable to face him, and knowing that what he said was true.
"I don't know what I was thinking, I'm sorry." She offered, still looking away.
"Liz . . ." He said, waiting for her to turn, she didn't.
He continued anyway, "Some day you are going to be a wonderful mother. You'll find someone that makes you happy and you'll have that life you deserve so much. Just because everything did not work out this time does not mean that it won't in the future. You are upset and not thinking rationally. Take a step back, consider what you just asked me."
She turned toward him.
"The Elizabeth I knew would never give up on her dreams so easily. I know it hurts, Elizabeth, but everything that hurts makes you stronger. You know that more than anyone."
"Thank you, I really needed that today." She offered
* * * ". . .The way Jason is with Michael and their history, I could never do that to him. I could never tell him what we have lost. He hurts enough and I need to be strong for him. We will make it through this. He never has to know. As much as I wish I could tell him, it will hurt him more in the long run . . "
Courtney looked down at her words on the page, believing with everything inside of her that she had made the right decision. She had considered asking Elizabeth but knew from before what her answer would be. She knew that the decision was her own, and she had made it.
She would not tell Jason.
She closed her journal just as Jason walked in. He sat down and let out a ragged sigh.
"She wasn't there. Alcazar moved her again." He offered.
"I'm sorry,' She offered, moving next to him and allowing him to hold on to her.
"Sonny believes that Rick is the key, that he will have the information that Alcazar won't expect. But all Rick has done is lie, why would he change now?"
"Maybe he wants to make up for what he put Carly through."
"Sonny believes it, I don't. He claims what he did to Carly was revenge to what he believed that Sonny did to Elizabeth. He says that now he has come to his senses and realized that Sonny would not hurt Elizabeth and feels the only way he can rectify his sins is to help. But he won't even take the blame for what he has done, he just keeps repeating that he did it all for Elizabeth . . . and the baby they lost."
Courtney let out a breath she did not know that she was holding.
"Is something wrong?"
Courtney did not want to admit to anything and did not want to drop any hints that she had been pregnant. But at the mention of Elizabeth's loss, she had reacted and was now afraid that somehow Jason would find out.
"No, nothing. I'm fine." She paused, feeling guilty for lying, "I just imagined how Elizabeth must be feeling."
There was a moment of silence and then Jason spoke.
"She's strong, stronger than she lets on. But I'd imagine even she really needed someone after her loss. Maybe that was why she turned back to Rick, because it was too painful to live through alone."
Courtney could finally understand why Elizabeth had gone back with Rick after she lost the baby. She wanted so badly to tell Jason and let herself lean on him, like Elizabeth had been able to with Rick, but she reminded herself that Jason needed her so that he may rescue Carly. She remained mum.
Jason noticed.
"What is it? What aren't you telling me?" He asked.
"I ran into Elizabeth in the park." She offered, "She told me that when she found out she was pregnant it was when she was fighting with Rick. She hadn't wanted to tell him but the moment he learned of her pregnancy she thought he had changed."
"Rick is the same as he was before. She was just more willing to believe his lies."
Courtney was quiet. Jason did not notice that anything was different and they sat together, holding eachother, each for a different reason.
Sonny rushed in, "Jason, Alcazar's yatch just docked at Pier 52. If Carly is there, we need to go, now."
Jason got up and left, looking back only briefly and for a second he saw the pain that Courtney was trying desperately to conceal. If it had not been for Carly's containment, he would have stopped and asked her why.
The moment the door shut and she heard their footsteps disappear, Courtney started to cry. During her sobs, Michael came down the stairs.
"Aunt Courtney, what's wrong?" He asked, worried.
She wiped her tears away, "I was just thinking about someone I use to know."
* * *
Lucky was long gone, but she had stayed. She had no real place to go and was in no hurry to get back to her studio.
Her studio was her home at the moment, having packed up and left her home with Rick as soon as she could. She did not want to walk in that home everyday because every moment spent within those walls had been a lie, and she wanted no part of it.
The studio had always been a safe place. It was where she would run to when times with Lucky got overbearing or when she needed a moment of solitude in her hectic life. But now all she knew was loneliness and the studio was no longer an escape.
The studio still reminded her of Jason and she imagined the life they could have led if Courtney and Rick had never come to town. Or if Courtney was still with A.J. and Rick had never learned of his brother Sonny. Perhaps they would be happy now. Perhaps they would have a family of their own.
But it was not meant to be, she told herself. And despite encouraging words from Lucky, she felt like she was on the verge of falling into a deep black pit of solitude.
She pulled out the little bear from her purse, her one connection to that imaginary family she had almost had with Rick, and held it close to her heart. Some tears fell and she did not wipe them away.
"Why?" She asked, looking up towards the sky, briefly believing that someone might hear her.
With no answer, she shoved the bear back in her purse and wiped the tears off her cheeks. She knew that the only way she could get past this was to not dwell in the past, with what IF questions, but concentrate on her future.
Elizabeth's cell phone purred and she pulled it out of her purse.
"Hello?"
"Liz, it's Courtney."
Elizabeth could tell that something had happened because Courtney's voice sounded weak.
"I'll be at Kelly's, why don't you come by?" Elizabeth offered.
"I'll leave now."
* * * When they met eachother, it was awkward to say the least, but comforting. They sat outside, across from eachother, completely silent. Just looking across the table and seeing someone there that had gone through something similar was a great comfort to them both. Although neither would ever admit it.
"I decided not to tell Jason, but when he came home briefly tonight, I wanted so much to tell him."
"You want to because you know that it is the right thing to do."
"But what will it accomplish? The baby is gone. Nothing good can come from it."
"It is human nature to want to reach out your hand and have someone there to hold on to. It's just the same with grief; you want someone whom can relate to what you are going through. You want Jason to be that someone, and that's not wrong."
"He'll never understand." Courtney offered, tearfully.
"He can understand loss, better than most, but he won't understand lying about something this important. The longer you wait to tell him . . ."
Courtney completed her thought, "The more betrayed he will feel."
"Don't wait, Courtney. Tell him. If you don't, and he finds out some other way, he will not accept anything you have to say."
* * *
Courtney came back to Sonny's empty penthouse. She talked to Leticia briefly about nonsense and offered to stay with Michael in her place. With the other woman gone, she crept up the stairs and into Michael's room. She watched him sleep and imagined for a brief moment that he was her son with Jason and that they were leading a blissfully happy life together.
She left the room, so not to let herself be carried away in her dreams of a family. On her way back to the stairs she passed the nursery that Carly had started for her little one.
Courtney put a hand on her stomach, "I feel you here, little one, inside me still. When I close my eyes I imagine your bright blue eyes and pray that in heaven you know that my heart is with you. And I hope you know that your father loves you."
She did not cry she just stood motionless, longing for someone to come and wrap comforting arms around her. Strong arms that would help her through this time.
She heard the door open downstairs.
* * * Elizabeth locked the door and wandered blindly through her studio that was completely dark. She had chosen not to turn on the light. She found her way easily to the couch, removed her jacket, and laid down on its lumpy but inviting surface.
She closed her eyes and dreamed of her many loves: Lucky, Jason, and finally Rick. Most were happy memories, all bleeding into eachother. The faces would change and she would take no notice, just smile thankfully that she had them. But just as suddenly as the memories would fade into eachother, harsh memories came to her: The day Lucky had perished in the fire, the day she saw him with Sarah, Jason constantly pushing her away, the moment she realized what horrible things Rick had done, and finally the most horrible memory of them all, the loss of her daughter.
She jumped up in her sleep, it was morning. She looked around the room and found her purse, dug deep within in and pulled the bear out. Now that she was up, she knew she would not be able to get back to sleep, and decided to head to Kelly's for a cup of coffee.
She left, taking the bear with her.
* * * "Courtney?" Jason called into the penthouse.
"Jason." She whispered, and climbed down the stairs.
She ran into his inviting arms and he held her unsure.
"What happened?" He asked, startled by her mood.
She caught herself just about to let the words slip out but they didn't.
"I was just so worried about you." She offered.
He bought it.
"We got Carly back." He offered.
"Is she okay?" Courtney asked, knowing he would not give her the details if she asked how.
"She seemed alright. Sonny is with her at the hospital just to make sure."
"Thank God." She said, breathless.
It was then she realized that there was no longer an excuse for her not to tell him. Carly was home safe and Jason no longer had the burden of Carly's disappearance on his shoulders.
Just a minute ago she had caught herself telling him. Was that because she knew it was the right thing to do? Or was it out of the guilt of concealing something this monumental from him?
"Jason, there is something-" She started but was interrupted by his phone ringing.
"Morgan."
Courtney let out a sigh and sat down on the couch.
"Okay, Sonny, I'll do it right away."
He hung up and before he had the words out of his mouth she said them for him, "You have to go."
He nodded.
"Are you okay here tonight?" He asked, concerned.
"I'm fine." She said, feigning indifference.
"If you need me, call." He offered.
He walked out again and just as before her tears began.
* * * When she made it there the diner was closed. She pulled out her key, opened the door, and went to the counter and started the coffee maker. She knew that Bobbie would not mind.
The act of making the coffee was so familiar that she could have done it with her eyes closed. But she concentrated on it so her mind could not wonder to other thoughts and her eyes could not wander to her purse where the bear was stashed.
She pulled down a single chair at a table and returned to the counter for her coffee. She then went to the jukebox and made a random selection, after first making sure the volume was low so not to wake the few tenets with lodgings upstairs, Lucky being one of them.
She wasn't ready to face him again after their conversation in the park. Instead she tried to focus on the music and tune out everything else.
*"Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
And don't bother leaving the light on"*
She went back to the counter and pulled out the bear from her purse. The bear was so tiny and cute and she equally wanted to hold it as she wanted to throw it away from her.
*"Cuz I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a stranger inversion
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone"*
She threw the bear across the diner as if repulsed by the sight of it and it landed behind the jukebox.
*"Honey help me out of this mess
I'm a stranger to myself
But don't reach for me, I'm too far away
I don't wanna talk 'cuz there's nothing left to say"*
* * * Jason had done what he was told. He had gone by the brownstone and told Bobbie that her daughter was safe and healthy. Bobbie had insisted that he come with her to the hospital to visit Carly and so he did.
In the early morning hours he was walking back to the penthouse when he saw the light on in the diner. He decided to take a look to see if they were open early and he could possibly get something to take home for Carly to celebrate her homecoming as well as something for Courtney whom had seemed down as of late.
He looked in the diner and saw no one at first. He was confused to why the lights would be on this early in the morning. He looked inside and saw no one in sight. He pulled slightly on the door and it was locked, the "CLOSED" sign was still in the window. He was about to turn around when he saw her.
She was trying to move the jukebox, for whatever purpose he did not know. But whatever the reason, it was upsetting her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and he could not help but feel something for her.
He knocked on the door and startled her. She looked at him as though he was the last person on Earth that she wanted to see. She wiped the tears off her cheeks, took a few calming breaths, and unlocked the door.
She opened the door slightly.
*"Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
'Cuz there's no kind of loving that can make this all right
I'm trying to find a place I belong"*
Before she could say anything to drive him away he said, "Need some help?"
She considered it briefly and then opened the door to let him in. She quickly closed it and he reminded her softly to lock it. Despite everything, he still worried.
"Why are you trying to move this?"
"I lost something behind it." She said, her eyes still wet from crying.
*"And I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentile coercion"*
He moved the jukebox easily and saw what lay behind it, a small white bear. He instantly knew the significance of the item and said nothing. He handed it to her and she held onto it as if for dear life.
"Thank you." She said, trying not to sound too gracious.
He moved the jukebox back in place and plugged it back in. For a moment there was an awkward silence and he felt as though he should go. He started towards the door when he stopped dead in his tracks. The song that had been playing kicked back on in the spot it had just left off.
*"And I ran my hand o'er a stranger inversion
As the darkness turns into the dawn"*
"We got Carly back." He offered.
"When?" Elizabeth asked, still holding onto the bear.
"Late last night."
"Is she alright?" Elizabeth asked, compassionately.
"Sonny took her to GH just to make sure, but she is okay."
"Is the baby okay?" Elizabeth asked, with a far away looking of longing in her eyes.
"As far as I know."
Jason turned once again to leave but this time Elizabeth stopped him.
"Jas-" She started and he turned, noticing she still had the bear tight within her grasp.
"I just wanted you to know-that I had no idea about what was happening." She offered, and he knew immediately to what she was referring.
She continued, "You know that Carly is not my favorite person but I would never-"
He interrupted, "I know you wouldn't."
"Just the idea of what Rick was planning to do-" She paused, getting caught up in her emotions, "I wish I could have-"
*"The child is gone
The child is gone"*
(Fiona Apple/The Child is Gone/Tidal)
She started to tear up and he did not hesitate to reach out to her and hold her. At first it was awkward, but only for a moment, and then they were comfortable with each other as if it had always been that way; As though they were two pieces to a puzzle that fit just right.
"I never told you that I was sorry . . ." He whispered to her, "about your loss."
She pulled away from him and walked towards the counter letting her back face him.
"Everybody is sorry. All everyone ever says is sorry and that they can understand how I feel. But they don't . . ." She turned, "They don't understand. . ."
She unknowingly poured a second cup of coffee, black, just as Jason liked it, and set it down at the table. He pulled the other chair down and sat. She sat at her chair and for a moment they both were silent.
"In my dreams I have lived this life with her. I pick out her clothes for her first day of school and comment to myself how fast she is growing until she is suddenly this young woman asking what to wear on her fist date. And for that split second when I wake up it is although it is all true until it hits me-that it has all been a dream and I'll never have those moments with her."
She looked up into his eyes at that moment and could read him like she had so many times before. She could see that he understood without him having to explain.
* * *
He had told her to call but she wasn't sure if she could do it. She knew that she could not tell him on the phone but the thought of the look he might give her face-to-face as she told him frightened her.
She went towards the phone and picked it up out of its cradle. She knew that despite the fact that Carly was back there was still business to be done. That was why he had left. Was it too important to be interrupted by a call from her?
But before she could carefully consider it, she dialed his number. Realizing what she had done, she hung up the phone before the first ring.
As soon as he came home she would tell him. Out of nervousness she starts pacing.
* * *
She was right, he understood what she was trying to express, but she misinterpreted why.
"So how are you doing?" She asked, concerned.
He looked at her quizzically.
"I know. Courtney told me. I know how much you wanted children, this must be difficult for you."
"Courtney told you what?" He asked.
She was convinced that Courtney had not told him that for a moment they had leaned on each other for support. Maybe Courtney had not wanted him to know that someone had known about the loss before he had.
"We ran into each other in the park, she hadn't meant to talk to me but I guess she was just in so much pain that anyone with an ear nearby was what she needed."
He looked at her confused as she continued.
"I know that you must be hurting too, but she needs you more than you know. It is an extremely difficult time and I know when I . . ."
Her voice trailed off as he realized what had happened to Courtney while at the same moment she realized that he had been clueless up until this point.
Their eyes met and Elizabeth was almost afraid to breathe. The look in his eyes reminded her of the look within them when she had found him in the snow at the brink of life and death. He looked as though he might give up that day and the same look was in his eyes now.
"Jason-" was all she could mutter at first, "I thought you knew."
He stormed off, leaving his half-empty coffee mug and an empty seat. She stared into her own cup of coffee and feared what she might have started.
* * * The moment he entered she could tell that something had changed. His demeanor was different and his eyes were cold.
"Has something happened with Carly?" She asked, concerned.
"No, Carly is fine." He answered, simply.
He did not want to have to confront her. He wanted it to be her decision to tell him but the fact was eating him up inside. Despite his own hesitation to bring up the topic, he thought he would get the conversation started.
"Dr. Meadows is sure that the baby is fine. There should be no complications."
"Carly and Sonny must have been very happy to hear that."
He was silent. She decided it was now or never.
"Jason . . ." Her voice trailed off.
Their eyes met. She chickened out. He read this in her eyes and got angry. Sure, he kept the truth from her, but not on anything that mattered. Only his business was closed off to her, everything else was an open book. Why could she not be the same way with him.
"I need to run an errand." He offered, and left before Courtney could squeeze in a word.
* * *