Disclaimer: Like you don't already know.

Author's Notes: Okay, let's assume that Ben really does pull one on himself next week. I know it's been suggested otherwise, but we can all be momentarily ignorant if we want to be. So, you're happy to play along for the time being? Right, on we go.

After seeing the last night's preview, I knew I had to write something down, or I would never sleep that night.

This is a strange one. It's angsty and definitely not happy sap, so go find that somewhere else. And perhaps you have to read it twice to understand it, but so be it.

Summary: To get what you want, do you really have to sacrifice someone else for it?

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Dawn Rising

It's three in the morning. I can't seem to sleep, no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I can. I'm restless, nothing able to keep still, of both body and mind. The night is a typical, slightly chilly one, but I don't seem to notice as I work myself up into a sweat.

I don't know how I am still going. Still I wake up every night, my head full of dreams. Dreams of Ben, both what had happened, and what could have happened, if only he had decided to live to find out.

Dreams of the scene I didn't see, but a scene I wish I had been at. Perhaps I could have stopped it, or only delay it slightly. Just so he could hear me out so I wouldn't have these words in my head that were never spoken.

My lack of sleep is not altogether that noticeable. Not everyone notices, or cares. The boss hasn't blinked an eyelid. Not that I expect him to – I don't expect a lot from him anymore, except a snide remark or two. If only he were a bit more supportive, if only he let down his newly-built guard for once and showed that he still had a heart that was not made from cold stone, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

I don't know what any one else is feeling. PJ's been impacted by death so much that Ben is probably just another added to the list, despite being a friend. He caught my eye across the office today, his gaze was cool and steady, and somehow filled me with that too, if only for a second. Yet it was something. Anything is better than this.

But God, if only my mind would switch off, just once, and let me forget. Give me some sort of space to let go and move on instead of chocking me. It's not Ben that I'm mourning over, as such, but it was his situation. For me to accept it would be too much to ask for at this moment.

If I had never come to Mount Thomas, if I had never done any of the things I had, would things be different? He would still be alive, alive to see his kids and to watch them grow old. It hurts my heart, it really does, to think of three kids across the country who lost their dad because things hadn't turned out for him – in his eyes, at least. But that wasn't their fault, so why did they have to live with it? It wasn't just the now-permanent absence of their father, it was living with the thought that he committed murder... on himself. It's enough to drive anyone insane.

A vision keeps running through my mind, of him sitting in his car, of him dotting that last 'i' and crossing that last 't' in the black book. Then reaching for his gun – how could he bring himself to do it? Was it a courageous act, or a cowardly one?

Did his finger tremble at the trigger, did he have any second thoughts?

Did he hate me for allowing him to do it?

I wanted to love him. But I couldn't make myself, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how many times I pretended in the desperate hope that it would turn out alright. But there was a point where I had to stop lying to myself and him, knowing deep down that it was nothing more than that – a lie. I thought that he didn't deserve false happiness, and I believed that he would find true happiness one day, even if it took a while longer to find it.

I was being aberrantly naïve about that.

I couldn't have predicted this, I keep telling myself. No one, not even PJ could have guessed this. From what I've seen and heard, Ben's had his down periods, but he has always risen above them. Why couldn't he this time? Had he fallen so deep that there was no hope of seeing daylight on the horizon again?

I wonder what point that is, if it even exists. Maybe Ben could see some sort of glimmer of daylight, but didn't want to see it set again.

And it fills me with overwhelming sadness that he couldn't find the will to see what the next day would bring.

Had I not pushed him away, he would probably still be alive. Did that make his death my fault? Or was I just another little factor that had pushed him to his limit? I would like to say the latter, if only so I would stop feeling responsible for both him and myself right now.

I want to cry, I want to grieve, I want to ask why, I want to send him off in a decent way. I want to fall asleep, and take the next day as something new.

I don't want to fall back like he did.

And I hate Ben for putting me through this. I hate him for being so idiotic, I hate him for being who he was. I hate it all so much I want to rip my life to shreds, if only just to feel perhaps a quarter of what he may have been feeling. Then maybe I wouldn't hate as much.

I just couldn't let us go on. And perhaps he couldn't let himself go on after that.

But he was my friend, and I told him that meant more to me than anything. Why couldn't he accept that? Why did he have to push, and pry, and try to pull me back again? But he meant a lot to me, and there will always be a part of me who will ache for him to come back.

Maybe it's better this way. At least he can be free now. And I guess I am too, in a way. Free from him, but not free from his memory, or my thoughts. They will continue to haunt me until they decide they will cease.

My eyes are as dry as the pillow, but my throat tightens, making me choke back a sob. You hear, and pull me towards you like a fisherman reeling in his catch. Your arms always make me feel safer, and there's nowhere I'd rather be.

Perhaps Ben knew; that he was able to see what I couldn't. Maybe he did it so I could finally have what I had always wanted - you.

Life's a little ironic like that.

Hours later, the sun starts to rise. You murmur soothingly in my ear; I give a small smile. My heart is torn into two: one part is for you, and always will be. That part had belonged to you as soon as you had let me know I could have some of yours in return. The other part is filled with sadness that I couldn't have you in other circumstances.

I can feel a million different emotions if I tried. Smiles, tears, rage, revenge – they will all come and go. Maybe my sleep will come soon. I hope it does.

I just wonder if I can forgive myself.

ende