Disclaimer: Slayers is not mine and will never be.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Xellos x Filia
Warnings: Very OOC. And since it was written when my style of writing was still pretty crappy and since I just translate and refuse to rewrite, it may sound terrible (at least the beginning).
Notes: This is a terribly old fanfiction of mine which is posted here in German since years (and is therefore written in a horrible style of writing – at least in my opinion). JoyCrux (a brilliant Slayers-author) actually read it with the use of a translator to understand what it was about and asked me if I could translate it into English. Which has now happened. Therefore, this fanfiction is dedicated to her!
Just as my other English fanfictions, this may contain some typos and mistakes concerning grammar. I always proofread, but since English is not my native language I simply don't notice some mistakes. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
Xellos' POV:
Silence. It's so quiet and peaceful. Everyone besides me is asleep. Which isn't unusual since Mazoku don't need rest.
You are sleeping just a few meters away from me. No hate is radiating from you. Sleep is the only thing which can stop your anger concerning me at least for a short time, right? Yes, you hate me. And I? No, I don't hate you. If I would you would have died long ago and that's something you simply won't understand. Otherwise, you would stop attacking me. Heh, but of course I don't want you to stop.
That's something I don't understand. You hit me even though you know I enjoy pain. Why?
Yes, I enjoy annoying you every day. I remember how you shouted "Don't grin at me like that, Mazoku-scum!" today, swinging your mace and trying to catch me.
Oh Filia, you are so stupid. Don't you know why I grin like that? Do you think I do it because I like it? Oh no, Filia, not at all. Okay, confusing humans is fun and a smile can irritate every human. But once, Juu-ou-sama said to me that my eyes are like mirrors of my soul; they would reveal too much of myself. I think she is right. And since I don't need them...why not closing them? My grin, my closed eyes...of course, it's a mask. I know this as well as you do.
My true smile is an atrocious one. You haven't seen me when I helped Lina and destroyed the enemies with a Blast Bomb. No, you haven't seen my smile, my grin, and you should be happy about it. Because the true smile of a Mazoku is cruel and gruesome.
I snap out of my thoughts when I start to sense your emotions. Did I wake you up? I look at you.
"Namagomi, stop staring at me!"
I see and feel the whiff of your mace. For the fun of me and you, I don't dodge the full blow. I feel wonderful pain at my shoulder. I should thank you.
Filias POV:
Angry, I sheathe my weapon again and turn away from you. What dirty game you want me to play are you planning now, priest? Do you think I don't notice your stare? Do you think I don't know that you only play with me? Don't be stupid, Xellos. I detect your game, but I don't understand it.
Even now, I can still feel your gaze on my back. Why are you looking at me? No, I can't sleep like that. Not with you next to me. I am angry and afraid and you know it. Damn! I feel so helpless, like you are the cat and I'm the mouse. What do you want, Xellos? Tell me!
"What can you see, Filia?"
Your question surprises me, I turn around and look at you. In the darkness, I can make out your arm which is pointing towards the sky. Not a single cloud is visible.
"The stars, Namagomi! Stop bothering me!"I turn away again. For a moment, the silence is back, then I can hear you chuckling.
"The stars...", you giggle, "Nothing else? How unimaginative!"
My hand grips my weapon as I turn towards you again, burning with anger. Somehow I glance at the sky. The stars are beautiful, so beautiful. But that you – you of all people – want to tell me that you can see more...I look at the sky again. Should I try? "A dragon, namagomi, I see a golden dragon! There, where the stars are close to each other."Silence. No answer?
"You like the stars, don't you?"
What a strange question, coming from you. How unusual. I feel uncomfortable, I don't understand what you want from me.
„Yes, they are beautiful. What can you see up there?"
A try. If one can talk to him like to a normal person? I shouldn't expect any positive result. The silence is back before you start to laugh. "Heh, funny that you ask me that, Filia-san. You know, once Juu-ou-sama also told me that the stars look like golden dragons. And that it seems that one must only soar up to kill them all." Namagomi! Scum! Why did I even try?! Angered beyond belief, I swing my weapon at you again, hoping to shatter your head. How can you dare to talk to me like that?I feel how my weapon only hits the ground. Oh, I hate you so much! Once more, I turn away angrily, angry with you and myself, since I fell into your trap again. I blink, trying to get the tears away.
"I'm sorry."
What? What are you saying? Can I believe what I hear? You apologize to me, a golden dragon? No, I bet it's just a new plan of yours. But still, it doesn't suit you.
Hopefully for the last time, I face you, trying to spot you in the darkness. You are resting on your back, looking up.
"What do you feel when you look at the stars, Xellos?"
Silence. No laughter. What's up with you? What do you want me to do this time? I can hear the hooting of an owl and the murmur of the wind. Xellos, what's up?!
"Fear. I feel...fear."
Xellos' POV:
What am I saying? Why am I talking like that? And to a golden dragon! I even said I'm sorry. What's up, Filia, waiting for a trap? I have to disappoint you, there is none. Maybe only one for myself. And I walked straight into it."Fear? You and fear? Why should you?"
Is there mockery in your voice? No, if anything, you sound concerned. Your anger also subsided, I can feel curiosity, but also mistrust.
No, I shouldn't continue to talk. I said too much already, way too much. Why I still continue, I don't know.
"Because the stars see the truth, Filia-san. It's like they can look straight into my soul and no mask and no magic can stop them."
What is it that is possessing me? That I say something like that...no secret, just the truth. Yes, who or what are you, stars, that you can do something like this with me?
Don't you answer, Filia? Don't you want to sneer at me? Don't you want to tell everyone that I am afraid? You know, you can really hurt me now. Oh, I am so stupid! Showing you my weakness!
"Well, Stop it then."
I look at you, my eyes wide open. What do you mean, Filia? What do you want?
I don't believe it, I fall into her trap! Defeated with my own weapons...good job, Filia. I never imagined that. Normally, you are so predictable, that's why it's so much fun to annoy you.
"Stop it. The mask. Take it away. Everyone knows that it's one anyway. You don't gain anything from it...Why do you always grin, Xellos?"Silence. We both remain quite. Such words! And darn, they touch me. This can't be! Filia, why? Do you like tormenting me? Yes, that's it. Revenge, right? But why can't I sense such feelings then?
"Xellos? What's up?"
Your voice is demanding now. Are you really interested. Are ? No, that's impossible. But I went too far anyway.
"Because it's the best mask one can have. It protects me from myself. So please don't break it, Filia-san."
Did I just ask her a favour? Do I want her to hurt me even more, with a pain which bears no pleasure? Xellos, you fool! What have you done? I can't go back...
I sense how you move in the darkness. What's wrong? Do you want to finish me off now? Just go on, this is your chance. So you are the one who triumphs at the end, triumphs over me, the Juu-jinkan, who is nothing else but a weakling anyway.
I wait for the finishing stroke, Filia. I wait, but it never comes. Instead, I feel that you take my hand.
Filias POV:
I feel how you cringe in surprise, but you don't pull away. So what's up, Xellos? Aren't you as strong as you pretend to be? Are you...lonely?
"But do you need the mask, Xellos? What can be terrible enough that you can't bear it? Are you that weak, Xellos?"
My voice sounds harder than I wanted it to sound. Do I hurt you? Did I finally find your weakness? Maybe...but opposed to you, I like to play fair. I don't want to win with such methods. "Do you know what a smile protects you from? From another smile, Filia-san. I am a Mazoku and I am cruel. Cruel enough that I'm afraid of myself." You laughter rings though the night, but it's full of sorrow."A Mazoku smiles when he kills his enemy. That's his pleasure. My smile is cold, Filia, cold and ruthless. I am cold. And if I'm not careful, I'll freeze to death."
Oh, what words, Xellos! But who is it you are talking to? To me or the stars? Are you trying to justify yourself? Are you in need of it? I have to swallow.
"Then smile for me."
I can hear a barely audible gasp from you.
"What?"
"Smile for me, Xellos. I want to know if you are really that cold."
Xellos' POV:
No one ever asked me of something like that. And that's why I don't want to. I don't know why, but I don't want to wreck you like that. Maybe because it's nice to have someone who helps me to bear my sorrows. But who would have thought that it would be you, Filia?
"Even so."
So sure? I don't feel any more uncertainty. Are you brave or stupid...or simply helpful? I don't know. But maybe I don't want to know. Slowly, I sit up and look at you. I don't have anything to lose. My eyes are open, so read in my soul as much as you want. It's dark, but a Mazoku can see much better than a human. I can see your eyes. They tell just as much as mine and they say: 'Trust me!'
Slowly, nearly shy, I start to smile. A true smile, not a fake one. I wait for your eyes to show your fear, your horror. I wait. But I wait in vain.
Filias POV:
Oh Xellos! What a fool you are ! But I can't chide you. If you would only know the warmth of your own smile! You just never understood...
"You aren't cold, Xellos. Maybe frozen, but not cold. Your smile comes from your heart. And it's warm enough to melt your ice." Oh, if you could see yourself! How your smile gives way to a gaze of amazement and confusion. I've never seen you like that, Xellos. And then you start to smile again and this time it is warm enough to touch even my heart and dispel my hate.
And your eyes, Xellos. They reflect the starlight and show me your soul. A soul which wants to be freed from the ice. And I will free you, I promise!
Gently, very gently, I rest my lips on yours and look into your eyes. If you would only know, Xellos! They are as beautiful as the moon!
Xellos' POV:
For a moment I simply sit still and let it happen, trying to collect my thoughts. But then, I return the embracement and the kiss and let the warmth touch my soul. Yes, you are a Ryuzoku. But in this moment, I'm not longer Xellos, the trickster priest. Not Xellos, the Mazoku. I'm only Xellos. And the stars above me glisten and agree with me.
END
Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed the story or have constructive criticism, please spend a few seconds of your time and tell me in a review so I can improve my writing. I truly appreciate it.
Sheba