CHAPTER 26
A/N: I think it goes without almost saying now how much I love my reviewers. You guys are wonderful! And to my silent readers that don't review, I love you guys too, even though I'd wish you'd leave me some feedback. =]
Enjoy!
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Mark kissed Maureen's forehead and brushed a stray curl out of her eyes. "I'm making coffee. Want me to get you some?"
Maureen's eyes fluttered open and she groaned. "No thanks. That's not how I want to start my morning right now." She turned over onto her side and faced away from him.
Mark dropped his hand and climbed out of her bed. He quickly pulled on a gray tee shirt over his sweatpants and sighed. He was starting to worry about her. She never wanted to go out anywhere with him, but Mark quickly associated that with the general crappiness she was feeling because of her morning sickness. Her responses were often moody and sharp, and even their communication had slowed to a halt over the past week and a half. He blamed himself mostly. The truth of the matter was that he had been spending a lot of time upstairs with Roger and Jen. Mark was trying to be there for them both, especially because he knew how impatient Roger had been getting with Jen lately. He didn't mean to neglect Maureen, but he ended up not being able to balance his time with everyone because of the situation with Jen.
He walked into the kitchen and started the coffeemaker. He couldn't figure out what to do about the whole situation with Maureen. Granted it probably wasn't anything close to the right way they should have been restarting their relationship, but every time he tried to get closer to her, Maureen pushed him away, and every time she tried to get closer to him, he pushed her away.
Mark rubbed at his eyes underneath his glasses and started sorting through a stack of messy papers right near the coffeemaker. He didn't really see it as being nosy, considering he was supposed to be Maureen's boyfriend, but even if it was snooping, he needed something to preoccupy himself with. Scattered phone numbers and bills were gathered in the pile. A spare apartment key was lying beside everything else. He was almost done looking, but then, hidden at the bottom, was a very small medical slip that obnoxiously refused to realign itself with the rest of the papers. Mark pulled it out and glanced at it quickly.
Maureen JohnsonScheduled for a surgical abortion on Tuesday, February 3rd at 10 AM.
Whoa. Mark was so taken aback he had to reread the small piece of paper to make sure that his eyes weren't lying to him. Maureen was having an abortion without telling him? That was so fucked up on so many levels that he couldn't even process the thought without getting angry. They were in a relationship—there was supposed to be trust! Two weeks ago she had been all for having this baby without a doubt in her mind. What could have possibly driven her to want to abort the baby? Especially without telling him?
He clutched the piece of paper tightly in his hand and stormed into Maureen's bedroom. She had immediately fallen back to sleep after he had woken her up, and for a split second he regretted what he was about to do. But not as much as he thought he would regret letting Maureen getting away with this.
"Maureen." Mark was trying to keep his voice low, but inside, his head was screaming at her.
Maureen turned over onto her back and sat up slowly. "What's wrong?" She blinked at him. "Marky?"
He thrust the paper at her. "What the fuck is that?" he shouted.
"What is what?" The paper had landed in Maureen's lap and she picked it up to glance at it. Her face fell automatically and she buried her face in her hands. "You weren't supposed to see that. I wasn't even going to go through with it—"
"Bullshit!"
Maureen draped her legs over the bed and shakily stood up. "Please Mark—"
"Please what? You were going to lie to me, weren't you?" When she didn't answer right away, he repeated his question more loudly. "Weren't you?"
"I wasn't," she tried to convince him. "I wasn't going to really do it."
"God Maureen, you are such a fucking liar. No, let's tell Mark that you just made the appointment, but weren't actually going to do it! Then why did you make the appointment in the first place?" he yelled at her.
"I can't support this baby!" she screamed at him. "I don't
have the money, or the time, or the motherly instinct right now! I'm not ready
to be a mother. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to tell you! I'm so sorry!"
"The thing is, you're not sorry. You're never sorry! You think you can do what you want, with who you want to, no matter what the consequences may be. Do you think that's fair Maureen? Is it?" He watched her walk by, pretending to ignore him and that angered him even more. Mark reached out for her wrist and prevented her from going any further.
Maureen glanced at him and felt the sharp pang radiate from her wrist and up her arm. "God, what else do you want me to tell you? I guess I just don't want this baby after all! I know I'm a terrible person. Believe me, you don't have to rub it in anymore. Roger already has."
Mark dropped her wrist and shook his head. "Well then I guess you don't want to be with me, either."
She shrugged and wiped at her eyes. The tears had already started to fall and were sliding down her cheeks. "If we had never slept together—you—we wouldn't have even bothered trying to start over again. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, we wouldn't have tried anything. You would have still just be a friend, and I probably would have a long distance relationship with Joanne," she sobbed quietly. "And don't you see? I hate being this way. I hate feeling the way I do. Like I have no way out. Who wants their mother to be fucked up?"
"See that's your problem! You're so goddamn dramatic. You're stuck in this little world where you can just twist everything around your perfectly manicured finger. You know when and how to push the buttons to get what you want. It's always about you. You you you. You don't want this baby so you'll get rid of it. Well that about what I want? Because it's just as much mine as it is yours. You don't want to be in a relationship, you cheat on them. It's always about you, and I'm tired of it. I thought this time around, things would be different, but I guess I was wrong. You haven't changed at all, and I made a fool of myself for thinking you were different! That you really were the person I had fallen in love with in the beginning. But I guess I'm the one that has to pay the price again, just like last time. Now that I think about it, maybe Roger was right. I probably should have stayed away from you. He knew you were going to do this again—to hurt me—but just like the last time, I didn't listen. Look where we ended up again," Mark yelled at her.
Maureen just sat there at the kitchen counter, crying as she listened to him ramble on and on about how much of a failure she was. She couldn't do this anymore. She was so tired of people pointing out her faults. "I'm sorry Mark."
Mark grabbed his coat off the chair and put it on sullenly. "Sorry doesn't cut it this time." He picked up the appointment card and tossed it carelessly at her. "Do what you'd like. As far as I'm concerned, you and that baby don't exist anymore. You're nothing to me."
She covered her mouth and tried to choke back the sobs that were forcing their way out of her mouth. "Don't say that. Please."
"What else am I supposed to say? I'm not a liar like you." He walked towards the door. "I don't betray the people I care about." He slammed the door.
Maureen blinked at it and got up off the chair to pick up the card that had floated to the floor. She couldn't hold the sobs back anymore and she crumpled to the floor, rocking back and forth against the wall. "I'm sorry Mark. I'm sorry," she sobbed, burying her face into her knees. "I'm sorry.''
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Roger looked over from the couch where he was sitting. Jen had just come out of the bathroom and was toweling her hair dry.
"You think you could take any longer of a shower?"
Jen flipped her head back up and shrugged. "Sorry."
"Hey, I was just joking around. Jen—" She had passed the couch and walked into their bedroom. Roger groaned and followed her.
"I know." Jen had flattened out on the bed and pulled the comforter over herself. "I know you want to get things between us back to normal. And believe me, I'd sort of like that too. But right now, I'm not comfortable with myself or my body—"
"So you're not comfortable with me?" Roger slid under the covers next to her and draped his arm over her stomach.
"No, I am. But, not in that way yet," she tried to explain. "It's just stupid and complicated.
"Well it's not gonna get any easier. I mean, you know I would never hurt you like that, right?"
Jen eyed him curiously. She couldn't tell if Roger was trying to be nice, or just trying to get her to sleep with him right now. "You sound like you're trying to talk me into something."
"I'm not—"
"You're full of shit. You are too. I know you too well."
Roger gave up and ran his hands through his hair. "Okay fine. I just want you to be comfortable with me, and obviously you don't want that. And I'm not trying to push you into anything you don't want to do. I wouldn't do that."
"Maybe we should just do it and get it over with."
"Compared to us actually wanting to when you're ready?"
"God, you have no idea how frustrated I am with myself. One day I want to, and the next day I'm afraid to. Not afraid of you, but just worried in general. Like something's going to happen, I'm going to back out just when we're about to, and that's going to be uncomfortable and embarrassing for the both of us."
Roger grinned and Jen buried her face in his shirt. "More embarrassing for me because of certain body parts."
She laughed and wrapped her arms around his chest. "You smell good."
"I try I guess." He kissed her lightly. He shifted over slightly to try to get comfortable.
"Ow!" Jen shouted at him. "Ow ow ow don't move!"
"What? What's wrong?" Roger flipped over onto his side to try and figure out what was wrong.
"Roger goddammit stop moving!" Jen pulled the covers off and lifted her tee shirt up. It was then that Roger realized why she was yelling at him. A string from his shirt had caught itself around the bar of her bellybutton ring and when he moved, it had gotten completely entangled and was pulling the bar roughly out.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry." Roger reached his hand over and tried to yank the string from the outside of the bar.
"Ow!" Jen yelped in pain. Her eyes started to water up. "Do you think you can take the ring out without taking my stomach with it?"
"Sorry," he apologized sheepishly. "Hold on." Roger quickly unscrewed and slid the bar out and managed to unwrap the string. "I'll be right back."
Jen held her hand over the red area where the bellybutton ring had been. Ugh, she regretted getting that damn thing pierced now because it definitely was hurting worse than when she had first gotten it done four years before.
Roger returned with the bar, rubbing alcohol, and a handful of cotton balls. "Sit up some."
Jen sat up and instead of holding the edge of her shirt up, she took it off completely and discarded it to the side. "That okay?"
He nodded. "Uh yeah, that's fine." He hadn't expected her to take her shirt off all the way, and he was definitely finding it distracting. She was just sitting there in a black bra and a pair of his sweatpants that were too big for her small frame. Roger tried to keep his mind off of how much she was turning him on right then and poured some of the alcohol on the cotton balls instead. He ran them lightly over her stomach and saw her jump. "Cold?"
"Yeah. It stings a little."
"Sorry." Roger reached over her to toss the cotton ball into the trashcan but lightly collided with Jen's hand instead. The spark between them was still very much there.
Jen's breath caught in her throat. She noticed that they had found themselves in a very compromising position. God, she hated Travis for doing this to her. For making her afraid. "Roger—we, I—um." She tried to get the right words out but couldn't manage them.
Roger ran his fingers lightly over her cheek. " I know." He placed the cap back on the alcohol and set the bottle on the floor. "I miss you though."
"I know. I'm sorry."
He leaned in and kissed her, running his fingers through her damp hair. Jen wrapped her arms around his neck and Roger slowly lowered her down on the bed, exploring each other's mouth and bodies. Jen ran her fingers through his hair as he planted kissed down her neck and on shoulders. "You're okay?"
"Yeah. Keep going," she whispered in his ear. They continued their heavy make out session for the following ten minutes. But when Roger's hand started fumbling for the clasp on her bra, she froze. She stopped kissing him and pulled away.
Roger looked down at her, concerned. "What's wrong?" he asked, breathing heavily. She wouldn't answer him right away. "Jen?"
Jen reached for her shirt and pulled it on. "Nothing." She tried to get off the bed, but Roger lightly reached out for her arm.
He saw that once again, tears had formed in her eyes. They were starting to become very familiar to him over the past week. "Baby?"
"I said nothing." Even to herself, she didn't sound very convincing.
"Jen please. If you don't want to go that far just yet then just tell me. I'm okay with it."
She crawled back on the bed and rested her head against his chest. "It's not that. When we were—you were so comfortable. You knew what you were doing. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, to think, to feel. I was comfortable, but I wasn't. I can't shake it, and I really want to be able to."
Roger pulled her close and started playing with her. "Only when you're ready babe. And when you are, I'll make it really special for you, I promise."
* * * *
"So like I was saying, the court cases are going wonderfully. Seattle's weather is shitty, but when it's not raining, it's gorgeous. I went down to the beach the other day and—Maureen, are you even listening to a word I'm saying?"
Maureen looked up from the salad she was pushing around her plate and sighed. "Yes."
"No you weren't." Joanne set down the glass of wine she was sipping on the table. "I don't know what's with you lately. You won't ship those boxes to my condo, you won't return my phone calls, and you don't talk when we get together for lunch. Honey, is everything okay?"
"It's fine. Really great. I swear." Maureen plastered a fake smile on her face. "I just—I'm a little late for something. I'm really sorry Jo. The next time you're in town I'll have to make it up to you. I promise." She stood up and pulled on her coat. She started to pull some money out of her wallet but Joanne held her hand up.
"Don't worry about it. I've got it covered. Oh, and I just did want to let you know that I might be back in town sooner than you may think. For good."
"What?"
"There's another district attorney job opening uptown right here in the city. I'm considering moving back here and taking the job so I can be closer to my parents and family. What do you think?"
"Well, I think that's good Joanne." Maureen wanted to make as quick of a break as she could. "Keep in touch, okay? This time I promise I'll answer my phone."
Joanne stood up and gave Maureen a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Take care of yourself. I'll give you a call sometime next week."
"Sounds good."
Maureen quickly added in a rushed goodbye before heading for the subway. Twenty minutes later, she had arrived home. Not bothering to lock the door behind her, she shedded her coat and walked into the bathroom to splash some water on her face. She had lost so much weight from morning sickness, and dark circles were starting to form around her eyes.
She opened the medicine cabinet and searched for her prenatal vitamins, but couldn't find them right away. Yawning instead, Maureen reached for the bottle of Tylenol PM that had seemed to be the only way to get herself to sleep at night. Granted it was only one o'clock in the afternoon, but she could use a little nap.
Maureen snapped off the lid and poured the remaining eight capsules into her hand. It wasn't a full bottle, but it would get the job done—hopefully cleanly and effortlessly. She was too chicken to pull an April; couldn't even tolerate the small seconds of pain caused by a razor blade. She lined the pills up on the kitchen counter and left them momentarily to fill a glass with water. She came back and walked into the bathroom. One by one she swallowed each bitter pill and they slid down her throat smoothly.
When she was finished, she thought she would have at least made it to the couch before they took effect. Maureen made it halfway, ten minutes after she had downed them, before collapsing in the middle of the living room.
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Roger and Jen were sitting on the couch, watching a movie, when Mark stormed in later that day around one thirty. The door slammed violently after him, and Jen jumped on the couch.
"Christ, that's the only door we have. Don't break it. That's my job," Roger joked. He was sitting at one end of the couch, and Jen was curled up next to him, her head resting on his knee.
"Yeah. Great," Mark mumbled. He brushed past them and into the kitchen.
Jen sat up and looked at Roger before getting up to follow him. "Mark? What's wrong?"
Mark had poured himself a glass of water and slammed it down angrily on the counter. "Nothing's really wrong. Besides the fact that Maureen is having an abortion and wasn't going to even tell me about it."
"What?" Jen said, exasperated. "Why would she want to do that?"
"I don't know! Ask her! I can't even begin to think of what goes on in her head anymore!" Mark shouted out.
Roger had come up behind them both. "That bitch. What did I tell you Mark? I told you she would do something like this. She has no concern for anyone else's feelings—"
"Roger, stop. It's not helping," Jen scolded him. "Mark, why don't you just try and go back downstairs and talk to her? Or if you'd like, I'll go down there and talk to her for you. I'm sure she was just having a bad day—"
"She had the appointment scheduled on a card. I saw it and everything."
"Oh shit," Roger breathed quietly. "Mark, man I'm really—"
"Sorry?" Mark cocked his head to the side to stare at him. "Yeah, so am I. Because I was so stupid to give her a second chance. I'm starting to regret it."
Jen dropped her hands to her sides. "Mark, I know how you are. Did you even hear her out? Maybe she was just confused. You didn't just yell at her, did you?"
"Of course I yelled at her. She deserved it. That's not just her kid, you know! It's mine too," he protested. "She's just so, god! I can't handle her anymore."
"Look, I love you both, I really do. But I think I'm going to go downstairs and check on her. I'll talk to her for you Mark. Just promise me after I do you'll try to rationally talk things over with her?" When Mark didn't look too convinced, Jen resorted to begging. "Please?"
"I suppose."
"Alright."
Jen slipped out of the loft door as Mark and Roger continued the conversation. She heard the various obscenities and jabs at Maureen that Roger and Mark were both making towards her, and she instantly felt sympathy towards her. She wasn't trying to take one side over the other, but she knew that Roger had been less than receptive towards Maureen lately, and Mark had spent more nights upstairs in the loft then downstairs with his own girlfriend in the past two weeks. Jen was almost positive that Maureen missed him. When she reached the first floor apartment, she knocked lightly.
"Maureen? Sweetie it's Jen." No answer. She tried pounding a little bit harder. "Mo?" Jen reached for the handle and found that it was surprisingly unlocked. Pushing it open, she tried calling out her name once again. "Maureen? Anyone home?"
Jen tucked part of her brown hair behind her ear and walked down the hallway. The lights were on in the apartment, but there didn't seem to be anyone home. She looked back and felt the cold late January breeze blow through the open door and shivered slightly. Jen let out a loud, uncontrollable scream when she rounded the corner and entered the living room.
"Maureen! Oh god!" Jen crouched over her to check if she was breathing or not. She wasn't. "Oh my god!" She reached for her wrist and felt for a pulse. Very faint and weak. Jen got up and ran towards the door. "Mark! Roger!" she shouted, hoping they would hear her. She spun around and found herself face to face with Collins and Logan. They had just climbed the stairs and were heading for the second floor when they had run down the hall.
Collins grabbed her arms and tried to get her to stop shaking. "What? What's wrong?" He looked over her shoulder and into Maureen's apartment. "Oh God. No." He brushed past Jen and ran into the apartment. "Call 911! Now!" he hollered over his shoulder.
Logan pulled out his cell phone and dialed quickly. Jen's head was spinning. She heard the erratic phone conversation with the operator. Then Roger and Mark's heavy footsteps running down the rickety metal stairs. She didn't know how it was possible for them both to hear her, but what suddenly thankful. Looking back towards Maureen's apartment, she started crying as she saw Collins trying to give Maureen CPR. Then Roger's strong arms were wrapped around her and pressing her head into his chest, rocking her back and forth.
It was indefinite slow motion.
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"Twenty four year old female, eight weeks pregnant, suspected overdose on sleeping pills…"They all sat in a tight, huddled group, awaiting news on Maureen's fate. She had been brought in twenty-five minutes ago, and since then, only doctors, nurses, and specialists had flown in and out of the room with little acknowledgment to any of them.
Jen was now tightly grasping Mark's hand, afraid that if she let it go, he would do something incredibly stupid. His head was resting against her shoulder and she was running her fingers through it as he sat there, completely numb and void of words.
Roger had left the waiting area as soon as they had all arrived. He claimed he couldn't bear to see them work on Maureen the way they had tried to work on April. April. There it was, that name again. Jen still knew nothing about her. Except that she, and Mimi, had died. Collins hadn't pushed Roger to stay, and in fact went out to smoke with him shortly after. Logan had gone for a walk around the hospital—understandable, considering he barely knew anyone besides Collins.
"It's my fault. If I hadn't yelled at her—"
Jen shook her head. "Mark don't. It won't help."
"Okay."
An expressionless doctor appeared in front of them at that moment. "Mr. Cohen? Ms. Walsh?"
They both nodded and stood up shakily. Jen still held onto Mark's hand loosely.
The doctor let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry to inform you of this, but we did everything we could…"
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Cliffhanger or what? Review please, or I just might not be motivated to update as soon as I can. =]
NEXT UP: The doctor informs everyone of Maureen's fate; Abby returns from Scarsdale.