CHAPTER 28

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Collins flipped through the magazine and pointed something out in it before handing it to Jen. "What about that one?"

Jen rested her head on his shoulder and sighed. "It looks too heavy."

"You're right." Collins cocked his head to the side and took another look at the dress. "Especially on the bottom."

"Ugh. Who thought that looking for wedding dresses could be so frustrating?" Jen moaned. She closed the bridal magazine and tossed it on the coffee table. "Why do I need a dress anyway? I could get married in sweatpants and a tank top and still be happy."

"Honestly?" Collins laughed. "Do it at city hall. In your sweatpants and your tank top. Whatever makes you happy."

"But, I do sort of want the wedding…"

Collins laughed and kissed her forehead. "Ah, I had a feeling. Have you and Roger even set a date yet?"

"Nope. I don't even have a ring. Not that I need a ring. Okay, that sounded really selfish." She pulled her hair up into a messy twist and sighed. "I'm so tired."

"Oh, poor baby."

"Mmhmm. I think Roger's mad at me."

Collins pulled away and looked down at Jen. "Why do you say that?"

Jen stood up and fixed the pillows that were disorganized across the couch. "It's nothing really important. I guess I'm just getting a weird vibe from him lately. He's been working a lot and getting home pretty early in the morning, and then he just sleeps. I just think he's hiding something from me."

He smiled sympathetically at her. "Roger's a tough person to crack, let alone to get along with. Although right now I'm pretty sure whatever he's keeping inside has nothing to do with you. Him and Mark have been having some pretty deep conversations lately. I know he's been preoccupied with that."

Jen nodded. "Yeah. You're right. I'm just paranoid."

"I wouldn't say that. You're just playing the part of the concerned girlfriend, which you're entitled to." Collins glanced at the clock on the wall. "Well, I have a class in an hour, so I better get on the subway and get a few things set up. I'll see you later." He kissed her lightly on the cheek and gave her a reassuring hug. "Love you."

"Love you too Collins. Thanks for listening."

"Anytime." Collins disappeared from the apartment, and Abby walked out of her bedroom.

"Hi Mom." The toddler rubbed at her eyes sleepily. "What are you doing?"

"Dishes, baby. Did you have a good nap?" Jen ran her fingers through her daughter's blonde hair and smiled.

"Yup. Is Roger still sleeping?"

"Yeah," Jen sighed. "He had to work late last night."

"Okay." Abby handed her the dishtowel and let out a giggle. "I'm gonna go color now."

"Sure. Just don't wake up Roger, okay?"

"Uh huh." Abby walked back into her room and Jen could see her getting out everything she needed to color. She turned back to putting away the dishes and heard the loft door reopen.

"Anyone home?" Mark's voice floated into the kitchen from the doorway.

Shit. Jen dropped the dishtowel in the sink and rushed out of the kitchen. She had forgotten that Maureen was being released from the hospital today after spending four tedious days there. Mark must have called and told her countless times, but with taking Abby back and forth to daycare and her tumbling class, plus with Roger's mood swings, she had been a little preoccupied. But she did remember that Mark told her to act normal and not bring the subject up unless Maureen did. She could do that, at least.

"Hey," she greeted Mark and Maureen brightly.

"Hi," Maureen smiled. She took off her coat and Mark immediately hung it up on the hook with his own.

"I bet you're glad to be back home. How are you feeling?" Shit. Jen realized that she had brought it up, sort of.

"Pretty good. Tired and a little sore still, but I'm okay." Maureen sat down on the couch gingerly and tucked her feet underneath her.

"Yeah. The doctors gave her a good report. Everything's in the clear," Mark added. He walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door. "Roger still asleep?"

"Yeah."

"What a lazy ass," Maureen commented. She was smiling, and Jen was definitely glad to see that. It didn't take her long to notice how much weight Maureen had seemed to have lost. She knew that with the morning sickness, she could barely hold anything down, but now her collarbones and cheekbones were much more prominent. Her legs and arms seemed thinner, along with her stomach, which had flattened even more so than before. Jen was a little worried at this, but made no comment. If anything, she would bring it up with Mark later, but right now she was glad to have Maureen home.

"Are you hungry?" Mark asked Maureen.

"Yeah."

"What do you want?"

"Maybe just some soup." Maureen stood up and walked into the kitchen after him. Jen decided that this would probably be a good idea to give them some alone time, so she checked on Abby quickly before heading into Roger's room. She was coloring peacefully in the middle of her floor, so Jen knew she would be preoccupied for a while.

Roger was lying on his stomach on the bed, his one arm propped under his head and the other hanging off the edge. His chest was rising and falling steadily, and he was snoring lightly. She walked over and kissed him on the cheek. He didn't even stir, which meant he was exhausted.

Jen looked over at the messy closet and figured that she probably should start organizing it, since she didn't really have much else to do. Roger's clothes mostly were scattered lazily throughout the bottom, so she made her way over and started pulling everything out. She stacked them in separate piles—shirts, pants, and shoes. She knew she'd have to take a trip to the Laundromat, but didn't particularly care. His mess had been sitting there for way too long.

She had gotten most of these things out and shoved aside when she realized there were some very feminine items stuck in a few corners and on the top shelf of the closet. Leather and lace jeans, a mesh tank top, black tights, a pair of blue plastic pants and a black sheer bra were a few things Jen ended up finding. It made her a little uncomfortable, but she automatically figured everything belonged to one of Roger's ex girlfriends. She just hoped that the person hadn't been a dominatrix, but from the get up, it was hard to think otherwise. She piled that aside as well and figured that he could deal with it later. The clothes were way too small for her to wear anyway. Whoever had worn these clothes had to have been very short and tiny.

Ten minutes later, the bottom of the closet had been cleared out, and Roger was still snoring. Jen reached up on the neater top shelf and pulled out a few boxes. She sat down on the edge of the bed and opened the lid of the first box. Pictures. She figured she'd save that for a day when she was really bored. The second box was empty, but the third caught her eye. The inscription on the box lid was sad and a little cryptic:

Juliet the dice was loaded from the start

And I bet that you exploded into my heart

And I forget, I forget the movie song

When you going to realize it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

What the hell? It was written in Roger's handwriting, and it was a little bit faded. She took off the lid completely and flipped it over onto the other side, where the inscription continued:

When you can fall for chains of silver You can fall for chains of gold

You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold

You promised me everything

You promised me thick and thin, yeah

Now you say, oh Romeo, yeah, I used to have a scene with him

At the very bottom of the lid, the words stopped:

And I dreamed your dream for you, April. I loved you. January 1993 to May fifth, 1995. RD and AS. Kissing you goodbye.

Jen looked down into the box and pushed the white tissue paper aside. She didn't understand what was going on. She took off the final sheet of paper and her stomach turned upside down. Inside the box was a set of Polaroid pictures: Roger and a nameless female with strawberry blonde wavy hair. She looked perfect. They were happy pictures, she realized. Five of them. But that wasn't at all what had caused Jen's sudden wave of nausea. Underneath these pictures were a spoon, a lighter, a plastic bag with white powder…and a hypodermic needle.

Talk to me softly

There's something in your eyes

"What are you doing?" Roger's voice, thick with sleep, floated over her shoulder.

She dropped the box onto the floor and jumped. "What? I—"

Roger looked over her shoulder at the box, anger flashing through his blue eyes. "Why are you going through my closet? And why the hell did you look in that!"

"I was just cleaning out the closet. Your clothes were all over the place," Jen defended herself. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes and picked the box up, tossing the needle that had fallen out onto the floor back under the tissue paper. "Just put it back."

Don't hang your head in sorrow

And please don't cry

I know how you feel

I've been there before

Something's changing inside you

And don't you know

"What are you hiding from me?" she asked him softly.

"What?" He got off the bed and looked down at the piles of clothes. "Why are Mimi's clothes on the fucking floor?"

"Just calm down. I asked you what you're hiding from me. You've been pissed off at my the past few days and I'd like to know why."

"Jen I'm not mad at you," Roger replied through gritted teeth. "I'm just tired."

"You always were a bad liar." She shoved the box roughly into his hands and turned away. "I thought you promised you wouldn't lie to me anymore."

"I'm not lying to you!" he shouted. "God, why are you so paranoid!"

"I'm not."

Don't you cry tonight

I still love you baby

"You are! If anything, you're the one who's hiding something from me. Not the other way around. You won't tell me what happened that night. You won't clue me in. You won't even let me barely touch you. I'm starting to believe that it never happened in the first place. Travis has—"

Jen stared at him and felt like she had been slapped. "Travis what? He convinced you that he didn't do it? Maybe he was too high, or too drunk? Is that right?" Roger didn't answer her. "Is it?" she shouted at him. "I know he's out on bail."

"Wes and Evan bailed him out."

"Bullshit! I bet you did too!"

"I didn't!" Roger yelled back. "I love you! Why would I fucking let him out of jail?"

"Well, since when has me being your girlfriend ever stopped you from doing anything you wanted to before?" Jen replied sharply.

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

"I don't know what to do. I'm running out of things to say to you to try and convince you that I'm not going to fuck up again. Whatever I do, you won't believe me."

"Because all we've been doing for the past three weeks is fighting! Ever since Travis raped me we've been fighting! I can't even have a conversation with you without us screaming at each other."

Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye

Don't you take it so hard now

And please don't take it so  bad

I'll be thinking of you and the times we've had

"I don't think this is working anymore."

"I'm moving out with Abby."

Frustrated, Roger kicked the pile of clothes to the side. "You know what?"

"What?" she yelled at him. "Tell me."

"We're wasting each other's time. That's time that you might have, but I don't! I don't have fucking—fifty, sixty years to be with you. I have maybe ten. Fifteen if we're really fucking lucky. I can't do this. I can't be mad at you all the time. I can't not have a sexual relationship with you. I can't not want to marry you. We can't be together anymore."

"Because you're hiding something from me! These two girls, April and Mimi, you're hiding them from me! I want to know! I think I have a right to know about my boyfriend's history before I marry him! I know about you and the drugs, and okay, you're better now—"

"You're so fucking stupid! Do you think that just because I went to rehab that it magically erased the two years I spent addicted to heroin? Do you? Just because I'm with you now, again, does that mean that I have to forget about Mimi? About April? I can't forget about them!"

"Because you loved them more than you loved me? Right?"

"I loved them differently then I loved you!"

"I don't know anything about them!"

"Fine! They were both heroin addicts! Just like me! I got Mimi to go to rehab before she died from AIDS a year ago. April killed herself because she found out she had AIDS and blamed herself because she thought she gave it to me. Happy now? There. You know."

Jen stormed out of the room, the bedroom door hitting the wall loudly. Mark and Maureen looked up from the island in the kitchen, speechless.

"Jen?" Mark called after her.

"Abby come here. Get your stuffed animal and your blanket, okay?"

"Why Mommy?"

"Abby just get them for me and don't give me a hard time. We're going to stay with Uncle Collins tonight."

Abby nodded at the serious tone in her mother's voice. She knew this meant all business. "Uh huh."

"Where are you going?" Roger had followed Jen into the toddler's bedroom. "Don't do this."

"I'm staying with Collins until I can get a place of my own uptown. Until you get your head straightened out. Maybe permanently. I'll see."

"Do you hear yourself talking right now? This is crazy. You're leaving because you're pissed off about what happened in the past. Everything that drove me away from you when we were still together!" Roger ran his fingers through his hair. "Are you gonna keep Abby from me too?"

"We'll go to court for custody of her."

"I'm not going to fucking court!"

"Then you won't see her."

Mark walked into the room and surveyed what was going on. Abby was standing in the middle of Jen and Roger, glancing back and forth with wide eyes. "Guys. Stop it. Not in front of Abby."

"Bitch!" Roger shouted at Jen. "You can't do that to me!"

"Try me. I'll tell the judge you're a heroin addict and you'll never be able to see her!"

"I'm not an addict! I've been clean for three years!"

"Good for you. You and your junkie girlfriends."

"Both of you, stop!" Mark shouted at them. "Do you realize what you're saying to each other?"

"She's my daughter!"

"You've only know her for four months! That hardly qualifies you as any sort of father! Coming back here was the worst mistake of my life. I should have stayed away from you when I had the chance," Jen told him, bitterly.

"Fuck you."

Jen picked up Abby and brushed past Roger into the living room. "That's it. We're done. It's over."

"Good. I can't wait to go to the bar tonight and pick up someone else!" Roger yelled.

"Congratulations."

"Mom no," Abby squirmed. "I want to stay with Roger."

"No. We're going downstairs to see Uncle Collins."

"But I want to stay with Uncle Mark and Daddy!"

"Abby Nicole, I said no. That's final."

"What's this really about Jen? You not being able to let go of the past?"

"You have a whole supply of heroin in a box in your closet, along with a needle! Why would you hang onto something like that?"

"Just get out. Get your shit tomorrow or whatever. Come back tonight when I'm working. I just want you out."

"Fine."

"I'll see you in court," Roger taunted her, smugly.

"Even better, I'll see you at your funeral." Jen slammed the door loudly, taking Abby with her.

Roger sank down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. Mark just stood uncomfortably in the middle of the living room, shooting a glance at Maureen, who was picking carelessly at the salad she was eating along with her soup. Nobody knew what to say to each other.

After about five minutes, Roger finally stood up.

"I give up, Mark. I'm a fucking failure and I'm going to die alone, bitter and by myself."

"Roger," Maureen said softly. "That's not true."

"Roger…" Mark trailed off.

He shrugged and walked into his room. "Wake me up at seven so I can go to work."

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Collins sleepily opened up his apartment door, only to find Jen and Abby standing on his doormat. He took in the look on Jen's face and knew immediately that something wasn't right.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, concerned.

Jen said nothing as Abby walked into his apartment. She was waiting for her to get out of earshot. "It's over between me and Roger. Everything."

Collins opened his arms and she fell sobbing into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry. Everything's going to be okay."

"Not this time."

He rubbed her back gently and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry Jen."

Don't you cry tonight

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

Don't you cry tonight

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Lyrics: 'Romeo and Juliet'; Dire Straits

'Don't Cry"; Guns N' Roses

COMING UP:

There will be much more Mark and Maureen in the upcoming chapters. Much more. And for what happens with Roger and Jen, you'll see. All I can say right now is that they have a much-needed conversation coming up shortly that specifically centers around his drug use, April and Mimi, and her rape.

Review please! =]