September 22, 2004 –
Dear Journal,
I can feel the tension between Martin and I. Or maybe I imagined it.
I don't know anything anymore.
I've never felt like this before. I want to tell Martin how I feel so badly, but I don't really know what he'll think. I can tell he still thinks I'm still obsessing over Jack.
And in the middle of his divorce!
The nerve of men never ceases to amaze me. I wonder what he'd do if I told him I'm not into Jack at all anymore. If I told him my fascination with Jack was comparable to a student-who-thinks-their-teacher-is-really-cute kind of fascination.
Because that's the truth.
When I look in my heart, truly look in my heart, that's the dead truth.
Only wish Martin could look in my heart like that.
This gets me thinking. What if I'm the thing that's preventing Martin from looking into my heart like that? Is this really all to blame on me?
Wait.
What is 'this'?
Oh my God I am so confused.
Maybe I'll just talk to him tomorrow. You know what? Maybe he'll understand. Maybe he'll get me. He always struck me as the kind of person who would get me. You know what, I think I will talk to him.
But maybe I'm just being stupid.
See? SEE? What did I tell you? Huh? This is how confused I am.
An idea has just struck me. What if...what if I really do know what everything is about? What if I'm just being stupid and denying my true feelings for Martin?
Actually, I wrote a poem about it. I'm including it in here.
THESE THINGS I'LL NEVER SAY
I'm tugging at my hair.
I'm pulling at my clothes.
I'm trying to keep my cool, I know it shows.
I'm staring at my feet.
My cheeks are turning red.
I'm searching for the words inside my head.
And I'm feeling nervous,
trying to be so perfect.
Cause I know you're worth it.
You're worth it.
Yeah.
If I could say what I wanna say,
I'd say I want to blow you away.
Be with you every night.
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see,
I want to see you go down on one knee.
Marry me today.
Yeah, I'm wishing my life away.
Cause these things I'll never say.
It doesn't do me any good.
It's just a waste of time.
What use is it to you what's on my mind?
If it ain't coming out,
We're not going anywhere.
So why can't I just tell you
that I care?
Cause I'm feeling nervous,
trying to be so perfect.
Cause I know you're worth it.
You're worth it.
Yeah.
If I could say what I want to say,
I'd say I want to blow you away.
Be with you every night.
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see,
I want to see you go down on one knee.
Marry me today.
Yeah, I'm wishing my life away.
Cause these things I'll never say.
What is wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away.
I stutter,
I stumble,
Like I've got nothing to say.
Cause I'm feeling nervous,
trying to be so perfect.
Cause I know you're worth it.
You're worth it.
You're worth it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm wishing my life away.
Cause these things I'll never say.
If I could say what I wanna say,
I'd say I want to blow you away.
Be with you every night.
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see,
I want to see you go down on one knee.
Marry me today.
Yes I'm wishing my life away.
Cause these things I'll never say.
These things I'll never say.
What do think Journal?
Maybe, I'll just let him read this passage in here.
Maybe then he'll understand.
Maybe.
Complete love always.
Samantha.
September 23, 2004 –
Dear Journal –
I talked to Martin.
Lets just say...well...things went unexpectedly well.
Not so complete love always. Some of it is Martin's.
Samantha
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Author's Incredibly Short Note:
If you didn't know, the poem Sam 'wrote' were the lyrics to These Things I'll Never Say By Avril Lavigne.
Please please please please please please please please please REVIEW.
SAM AND MARTIN ARE TOGETHER ON THE SHOW!!! MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED!!!
- The Notorious Cat