~Chapter 22: Moving On~
Frieza used some attack on me that caused me to explode from the inside. Luckily, I have no memory of that. However, I do have one coherent memory from the time that I was dead. I'm not sure if it really happened, but it seems real enough in my mind.
I remember suddenly becoming self-aware. I could even remember who I was. All around me, I saw white clouds. A sort of hazy light trickled through them. In the distance, there was a deep black void, strewn with the rubble of a dead planet. However, this image seemed to get smaller all of the time, as if I was drifting away from it. I don't know how I was able to see all of this. I had no eyes, no body at all, not even a spiritual form. Physically, I felt one with my surroundings. I existed only as a vague collection of thought and willpower.
For a while, I just allowed myself to float, taking in this new realization of self. Then, I had an uneasy feeling. There was something that I had to do. I wasn't sure what it was, but it had to do with self-preservation. I started to work on figuring out what this was, but then I stopped.
"Why?" I thought. Why should I prolong my existence any further? I was dead twice over, why not just let it end there? Looking back over my life, I couldn't think of any reason that the universe particularly needed me.
Imagining that I was closing my eyes, I let go of something. The awareness faded.
My next memory is of a moment of intense pain and confusion, a sudden short, sharp shock brought on by coming back into existence from nothing. I found myself staring into a crowd of people outside the Capsule Corporation headquarters. They cheered and applauded. I was very confused.
I didn't remember dying or being dead. The memory I told you about didn't come to me until later. It seemed like only seconds before I'd been fighting Frieza; it was as if I'd been on Namek one moment, and in the next, I was there. It was very disorienting. However, when I turned around and saw Porunga floating in the sky, I figured it out quickly, and I wilted. I couldn't believe that I'd been dead again.
Bulma loudly declared a wish to bring Goku to Earth, to more cheering. Porunga refused. He said that Goku wanted to come to Earth on his own. Everyone was bewildered.
I scanned the crowd. Gohan was there, as well as Piccolo. Among the crowd were some Namekians that I knew I'd seen killed, but there was no sign of Vegeta.
"Well, okay then..." said Bulma, "In that case, resurrect Yamucha!" I blinked. I was surprised that I was a higher priority for resurrection than Yamucha. I guess that they revived me when they did because they'd planned to bring back Goku and I together, but I'll get to that in a minute.
Porunga disappeared, Yamucha failed to appear (those of us who could sense ki, however, knew he was on Earth), and the crowd started to dissolve. What was left of it gathered around me.
"Kuririn!" said Gohan. "I'm so happy that you're alive!"
I was surrounded by the smiling faces of friends. Frieza had obviously been defeated. Everything was going to be okay now, and I had friends who cared about me enough to use the infinite power of the dragon balls to let me live. I should have been happy. I was not. I felt hollow inside. I had been through so much on Namek - too much. Just to think of it all sent chills and waves of nausea through me. Worse, I had died. I guess by then most of us were used to the concept of resurrection with the dragon balls, but I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. I've always been grateful for the ability to bring back those that died unfairly, but at the same time, it all feels... so wrong, somehow. One has to wonder how many times it's possible to cheat death.
At least I wasn't in a corpse this time. Frieza had destroyed my body so utterly that Porunga had to make me a new one. He did a pretty good job of it, too; it was the same as before. If anything, it was even stronger than my old one. Still, it was pretty disturbing to know that my body wasn't the one I'd been born with. Come to think of it, the one that's sitting here typing this is probably my fourth. Frankly, it's insane. Wherein lies our identity, if not in our bodies? I try not to think about it.
I was in a daze. I thanked Gohan feebly, but didn't manage to respond to anything else. Finally, Roshi-sama split them up. "The lad's exhausted, give him room," he said. I was grateful for that.
Some of the people left after that, but I was surprised by how many stayed. Chichi insisted that Gohan go home, but most stuck around to wait for Yamucha. I was surprised to learn that the Namekians were living at capsule corp, as well as Vegeta, who no longer seemed inclined to destroy the world.
Bulma was really hospitable to me. She gave me a place to sit and a soda, and she brought me up to date on what had happened since my death. Firstly, my being killed had caused Goku to become so angry that he became the Super Saiyan and defeated Frieza. I'm really not sure how I feel about that. I mean, I'm really touched that Goku cares that much about me, and I guess I'm glad that it enabled him to defeat Frieza, but how in the hell am I supposed to feel about it? I died. I DIED. I'm sorry, but if my death had brought about eternal peace throughout the universe, I still wouldn't be completely happy about it. Maybe I'm selfish, I don't know.
Another thing that really pisses me off is that everyone who recognizes what we did on Namek at all (not many) considers that my biggest contribution to the whole thing. Four days, practically without sleep, Gohan and I did all we could not only to stay alive, but also to keep the dragon balls out of the hands of Frieza. After all that we did, you can understand my being annoyed at the perception that all I achieved on Namek was getting killed so that Goku could have his all-important powerup. Don't get me wrong; I'm not envious of anyone. Goku deserves all the credit he gets and more, and he was never guilty of being a glory hound. I even remember him saying once, "But you know, if it wasn't for Gohan and Kuririn we never would have been able to defeat Frieza." Well, forget this rant anyway. It isn't really important. What's important is that Frieza was defeated. You'll notice that I've yet to use the word "killed", by the way. That's for a reason. Keep that in mind.
As for the formerly dead Namekians, they'd been brought to life along with Dende and Vegeta and then brought to Earth by a cleverly worded series of wishes that brought back everyone who'd been killed by Frieza with the exception of me and brought everyone on Namek but Frieza and Goku to Earth. The reason that I wasn't revived then was that the wish had been made with the Earth dragon balls, which can only resurrect any person once and had already resurrected me.
As for Namek itself, it had been destroyed by Frieza. Everyone had been sure that Goku'd died in the explosion, but he didn't. Somehow he'd survived, although no one really seemed to know how he'd escaped.
Bulma told me that I'd been dead for 130 days. I'd missed my 28th birthday. I nodded, shaking. I felt terrible. I did manage to cheer up a bit when Yamucha got there. It was great to see him again. He was one of my best friends, after all.
"Hey, I'm finally back!" he said. We all ran to him, but Pu'ar got there first. Everyone was really excited. It occurred to me that Bulma might have been a little more emotional about it, given how upset she'd been when he died, but it wasn't really any of my business.
I was fine until I left Capsule Corp. The only moment when I was troubled was when Yamucha had asked me where I'd been in the other world, but he said "never mind" when he noticed my discomfort. I stayed a bit late and left alone.
The moment I stepped outside was the moment I became depressed. It was a beautiful afternoon with the sun glaring from a blue sky and a cool breeze. I only made it a few steps before I was overwhelmed and had to sit down in the grass. I just couldn't believe that I was back on Earth. I should have been able to enjoy it, but I was overwhelmed with a feeling of despair.
I saw Frieza everywhere. With every scene of bustling activity or tranquil beauty that I saw, I couldn't help but think that if Frieza were there, he could destroy it all, and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It was very humbling.
What really got me depressed was that I felt like I was useless. I had been so ineffective against Frieza and even the Ginyu force. I started along a really destructive line of thinking. It began with the thought that I couldn't do anything, and then I went on to conclude that no one needed me. I don't even have a family, I thought despairingly. I'd always had shaky self-esteem, and it was at an all-time low. For one dangerous moment, I wished that I hadn't been resurrected. I had to go home.
However, going home only seemed to make things worse. Roshi-sama and Oolong, who had apparently moved into the Kame House, greeted me when I got there, but I barely noticed them. I went into my room and collapsed. After that, I went through my days in a cloud. I was always depressed, often not even knowing why. I let my hygiene go, which was a big red flag because I'm normally a meticulously neat person. I started sleeping until the afternoon and barely moving when I was awake. M Roshi tried to talk some sense into me, but I was totally unreceptive. To tell the truth, I was blind. I had been given life and friends, and I was wasting it all.
I stayed like that for about two weeks. It took a visit from Yamucha to get me to snap out of it. He was a good friend to come.
Roshi-sama let Yamucha in when he got there. I remember hearing footsteps and a knock on my door. I didn't answer. He opened the door. Yamucha was actually looking very neat - he'd gotten his very long hair cut to a more reasonable length.
"Kami, Kuririn," he said, "You look terrible."
"Thanks," I mumbled. I'm afraid that I acted a bit hostile toward him at first. I resented the intrusion.
Yamucha invited me to go for a walk with him. Thanks, but no thanks, I said. He insisted and grabbed my arm. I snatched it back and glared at him.
He frowned. "Well, I can't make you come, Kuririn. After all," - he smiled - "you're stronger than me."
I stared at him. "I just want to talk," he said. I wasn't thinking properly, then. I'd retreated into a kind of emotional shell. I just felt kind of annoyed at Yamucha. Who did he think he was, coming here and thinking that he can pull me out of this pit - and when you're depressed, the pit always seems far deeper than it truly is - just by taking me for a walk? Now, I know better. Bless him for doing it. Let me tell you, the best thing to do with a depressed person is to get them outside and get them to open up, no matter how they protest. It'll be better for them in the long run.
So, Yamucha brought me outside, scowling and unconvinced. When we started to fly, though, I already felt a tiny bit better. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but flying is such a wonderful feeling. You can just let the wind drift over you and let the world be.
He took me to a coffee house and bought us both some coffee. I sipped it slowly. It was bitter. I've never liked coffee.
He chatted idly for a bit about the hustle of arrangements he'd had to make to make himself legally alive again and to eliminate the notion that he was dead. I gave minimal response. Finally, he said, "Tell me what's wrong, Kuririn. I'm your friend. Tell me."
I had to search myself for a moment. What WAS wrong? It didn't seem to have any definition - it was just a kind of deep darkness in my being. I told him that I had been through a lot on Namek. He sympathized. "No," I said forcefully, "You have no idea. It was terrible. I was even killed."
"You're not the only person in this room who's been killed in battle," he said flatly. I was shocked. I'd been so absorbed in myself that I'd completely forgotten.
"I-I'm sorry," I stammered.
"Don't worry about it. It's in the past, right? Kuririn, life's tough, but we have to move on. Otherwise, what were we fighting for? We've got to be brave. I know that you are brave."
Despite myself, I smiled a bit. He put it so simply, but it sounded so right. "Yeah," I said. However, I was still depressed.
"But what's really wrong, Kuririn? What's at the core of it?"
I fell silent for a moment. This time, what I was going to say seemed much clearer. This was my real problem.
"I just feel so useless," I said. "I'm never strong enough, never good enough, never brave enough. There's nothing that I can do that Goku or someone else can't do better. No one... No one needs me." I'd hit it so squarely that I even startled myself. I'm not sure that this is exactly what I said, but this is the voice of the first thirty years of my life. This is my personal demon. It wasn't completely defeated that day when Yamucha helped me out of my bout with depression. It still isn't entirely gone, although it rarely troubles me now. Only I can defeat it.
Yamucha told me that I had a lot of friends and that they all cared about me and worried over me. As he spoke, I knew that he was right, and I felt so loved and appreciated that I couldn't believe I'd ever thought otherwise, but I still felt miserable. I cried then. I told him that I was sorry. I said that he was right, I thanked him for everything, and I said that I just couldn't help being depressed.
"Hey, don't cry. It's embarrassing."
I restrained myself. It hurt a bit.
"Kuririn, you have to pull through this yourself, but I want you to know that we're all here for you."
"Th-thank you."
He leaned in a bit. "Hey, and let me tell you something," he said, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."
I shook my head and laughed a little. "That's nice to say, but nah. Really it was more Goku... and Bulma... and even Vegeta, really."
Yamucha folded his arms. He looked triumphant. "Uh-uh," he said, "No way, Kuririn. You're not weaseling out of giving yourself credit for this one. Do you know what Bulma told me? When everything seemed hopeless and everyone had given up, do you know who had the idea? Who gave everyone the strength to go on? Who came up with the plan that would save everything? Not Goku. Not Bulma. It sure as hell wasn't Vegeta. It was you. You, Kuririn. Don't forget that."
My god, he was right. I had done something. I had made a difference.
That was all it took - the next day, I was myself again. There was a little get-together on my behalf. It's good to have friends.
I felt better than ever after that. I started doing more. I started doing things with Gohan. Whenever he had a break in his relentless studies, I'd come over and take him away to do something for a little while. We went fishing, hiking, and swimming, and we even sparred a bit, although I could scarcely keep up with him. I really enjoyed my time with Gohan. He was a nice kid, and he was really lonely with Goku off in space the way he was. So, he and I became good friends. I like to think that we still are good friends, although I don't see him so often anymore.
I also started feeling more ambitious. I wanted to do something. I couldn't think of anything at first, but then I remembered an abandoned pursuit from back in those five years that I skimmed over in chapter eleven.
I'd always had an idea bouncing around my head for a story. I'd always thought that someone really ought to write that story. However, when I was 23, I thought for the first time, "Maybe I could write it." It didn't seem so impossible.
The first thing I did was to learn to type. That took me about eight weeks. Then, I started to write. I was rather pleased with myself. It was invigorating and fun. It wasn't until I read over the first several pages that I got the shock.
It was terrible.
I had to face facts - I knew nothing about writing. I'd never really thought about it before, but I realized then that I was uneducated. I'd left the Orinji Temple when I was 13, and learned hardly anything since then academically. Hence, my writing had worse problems than massive structure errors and a lack of vocabulary.
What do you think I did? Start studying and bettering myself? No, I gave up. That's the way I was back then. I gave up and put it all away.
Now, however, after Frieza, I felt ready to try again. I spoke to Bulma, who was the right person to talk to. She said that she'd get me any connections I needed, and if anyone has connections, it's that woman. I started studying and being tutored in the Common language and in writing skills. The idea that I had scrapped when I was 23 would eventually metamorphose into my first novel, Turn.
Nothing else of much importance really happened in my life for a while. Vegeta left Earth to go searching for Goku. On September 28, I attended the resurrection of Tenshinhan and Chaozu. They expressed their gratitude and then basically disappeared. They live in kind of a separate world than us. The Namekians used the dragon balls' last wish to create a new planet Namek and to send them and the Namekian dragon balls there. They invited Piccolo to come with them, but he chose to stay on Earth.
Then, in October, Maron returned to the Kame House. Things became chaotic again almost immediately.
--END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO--