~Chapter 31: What Happens Now~
part I
I woke up feeling generally cheerful. When I saw 18 that morning, I felt overcome with an urge to embrace her immediately.
I chuckled at myself. Slow down, Romeo.
I told her good morning; she returned it without special inflection and without any affectionate gestures. But her eyes met mine and the look there was knowing, sharing. It told me that she hadn't forgotten about the night before.
I went through my morning charged and energetically greeted Roshi and Oolong, even going out to the beach to say good morning to Umigame, who commented that I seemed especially happy this morning.
I didn't say anything to anyone about what 18 and I had shared the night before. I figured I'd save it for breakfast, bringing it up only when prompted so that I wouldn't seem too eager, as I was sure I had with Maron. Oolong provided me with my cue early on in the meal.
"So," he said, "Kuririn, 18; you guys seemed pretty upset last night. Everything's resolved now, huh?"
"Well," I began.
"Yes," said 18, not looking up from her place. "I was having a problem, but now... it isn't a problem anymore. We've gotten it worked out."
"Really? Uh... is that it?" said Oolong. He was responding to 18, but looking at me.
"Uh," I said. Confused, I searched 18 for answers. She gave me a steady look. What in the world was going on?
"Yeah," I finally said. "Yeah, that's it. We've got it worked out." My eyes sunk into my plate, and I felt confused and vaguely betrayed. My energy seemed to have been suddenly extinguished.
"Good, good, glad to hear it," said Roshi. "It's so uneasy around here when you young people are upset."
"Uh-huh," I replied. I felt in a steep downward spiral, plunging into oblivion.
I washed all of the dirty dishes in the house that morning with a bit more attention than necessary, holding each item up to the light for inspection. I was dizzy from the thoughts ricocheting around my brain - what the hell was going on? Did I imagine last night? No, that's stupid. Then, did I imagine the meaning behind 18's eye contact just an hour or two ago? Was it just going to be like nothing ever happened? All of the relief and release I'd felt seemed to come crashing horribly down. I struggled to control my strength and not break the dishes.
Nearby, 18 told Oolong that she was going out for a bit. "Oh... okay," he said, slightly puzzled.
Just before she went out the door, 18 looked at me. I glared desperately back.
In a tiny, almost imperceptible motion of her head, 18 indicated for me to follow her, then left.
I finished washing the dish I was holding, neatly stacked it, walked calmly to the door and went outside, then began to fly. I met her in the air.
We landed on the first convenient piece of ground we came upon. She stood with her back to me, arms folded.
"You probably don't think a lot of me right now," she said.
"Why, 18? Why did you lie?"
Turning toward me, she snapped, "I did not lie."
I sighed. "You know what I mean."
"I'm sorry," she said. "I don't mean to deny anything between us. Please understand that. I want this to be, Kuririn. I really want to have this with you."
The way she said it was so tender that I couldn't help but be amazed at its honesty. My anger faded.
"It makes me so happy to hear you say that, 18," I said. "But... why do you want to hide it?"
"It isn't that," she said, returning to her normal tone of voice. "I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of attention. I know that when a human gets a girlfriend, their friends are... I don't know... curious. That would feel very strange for me. I don't think I'm ready."
I frowned. "We probably won't be able to hide it for long."
"Just be patient with me, and I'll work myself up to it. Then, you can tell anyone you want. Just wait a while first. Please."
I couldn't refuse. I knew this was important to her, and as she looked at me I felt as passionate about her as I had when she told me that she loved me. "Sure," I said. "We'll keep it between us for a while. It's no big deal."
She nodded, and then to my great surprise, hugged me. I put my arms around her and pressed my face against hers. We held each other for several seconds. It felt wonderful.
I was surprised, actually, by how little 18's request bothered me. I think that I started to understand then what real love is about. I mean, with Maron it was all about appearances, and I would have had a fit if I hadn't been able to show her off. With 18, though, that just didn't seem so important. I guess that I did look forward to telling my friends (in a mixed way, as I was sure their reactions would be mixed), but this hardly seemed central to the relationship. Nor was I especially concerned with love as an achievement, so that I would not have to feel when the end was coming that I'd done nothing with my life. All that I really cared about was 18, and the closeness I felt to her. I guess that's the best way I can describe love - closeness. I felt very close to her, and this was gratifying, like something that I desperately needed.
So, we kept it under the radar for a couple of weeks. It was a bit of a hassle, but not too bad. It wasn't difficult - I mean, it's not like anyone was scheming to discover us or anything.
18 told me after a while that I could let people know now, if I wanted. "Just don't make a big deal out of it," she said. I told Roshi-sama and Oolong that evening. They seemed to approve. I didn't tell anyone else just yet.
So, I guess our relationship had officially started at that point. We didn't really know where to take it from there - most people start dating, but that's basically what we'd already been doing for a couple of months. We just took every opportunity we'd get to talk alone, and that seemed to work. We found a spot in the mountains (I'm not saying where, after all, we still go there!) that was really nice and peaceful. It's great, you know, to be able to fly pretty much anywhere on the planet you want. If I'm ever feeling constricted, I can just fly off somewhere for a while.
We used to go out there a couple of times a week. It's become more like once every couple of months now, but it's still nice. We lie down among the grass and talk sometimes, or sometimes just relax and not say much.
One of the first times we were there, I asked 18 why she'd kissed me the first time we met.
"I'll tell you," she said, "if you'll tell me why you destroyed the remote."
Wow, that was a jolt to me. I hadn't thought of that in quite a while. I remembered my struggle over that, how painful and hard it had been. It seemed to be in another dimension by that time.
"You seemed like a good person," I said.
"I beat up your friends," she said. "I was going to kill Goku."
"Yeah, but I wasn't really feeling that. I mean... you never felt like a bad person to me. That, and I thought you were pretty."
She nodded thoughtfully. "All right, but my reason isn't going to sound so noble. You looked harmless and I thought it'd be fun to mess with you."
"Oh." I have to admit, I was a little disappointed.
"And," she added, "I thought you were cute."
I laughed. "I was funny-looking!"
"In a good way." She was smiling a little.
I laughed again. "You know, it's kind of funny that that's the only time we've kissed."
She sat up. "Is it?"
I grew a little shy at this, surprised at how seriously she'd taken it. "Well," I said, "you have to admit that the circumstances were pretty weird."
"You know... You could kiss me now if you wanted to."
I stared at her, blankly astonished, for a few seconds. The next thing that I remember, we were kissing.
The kiss was a little hesitant and slow at first, but it was very passionate - I felt that kiss, I felt it somewhere as I pressed my lips back against hers and placed my hand lightly on her back. She ran her hand through my hair and cradled the back of my head in her palm, holding me there. Everything felt right in my universe, then. Everything was just as it should be.
After we pulled away, she said to me, breathing a little heavily, "That definitely felt different than before."
"Yeah," I said. "Maybe that's what it feels like when you mean it."
After that, I think I told her that I loved her again. She said that she knew I did.
That kiss felt like an overwhelming moment to me. For a while afterward, when I looked at her I'd remember having shared that with her. What can I say, it felt good.
I hadn't seen Goku's family in months, so I figured I'd pay them a visit. I guess it was one of those ideas that just struck me, so I didn't call or anything. It was just one of those spontaneous things. Surprisingly, it was Gohan who eventually answered the door.
"Oh... It's you, Kuririn."
"Yep! Man, Gohan, I can't get over how big you're getting! Looks like I have to deal with being the shortest fighter around again."
"Cut it out," he said, embarrassed. "Um... I guess you can come in, for a minute."
Gohan was home alone. He told me to sit at the kitchen table and made me a sandwich. He was such a nice kid.
We talked for a little while. He was busy, as usual. I think he told me he'd been to Capsule Corp recently.
I asked Gohan when his mother would be getting back. He got kind of nervous, as I recall.
"Kuririn... you've got to understand about my mother. She's really a good person."
"What are you talking about, Gohan?"
"It's just that sometimes she can really hold a grudge." He struggled for words. "I mean... she's just trying to protect her family. It's really hard for her."
I stared at him idiotically, not getting it.
"I... uh... Hey, we heard that you were seeing 18!"
I nodded. "I haven't told everyone yet, but she's become my girlfriend."
Gohan smiled. "I'm really happy for you. I always knew you'd find somebody. I hope you guys get married and have a bunch of kids!"
I probably rubbed the back of my neck and laughed nervously. It's what I usually do.
If not then, then soon after that, Chichi got home. She was starting to look rather pregnant. She would not make eye contact with me. She had a lot of groceries and supplies but wouldn't let me help. She told me to leave.
"Chichi," I said stupidly, "what...?"
"It is not my business what you do on your own time, Kuririn." The forced politeness made every word grate. "But you are now in my home and I have the right to ask you to leave."
Gohan started to get angry, but I cut him off. "It's okay," I said, "I'll go. Catch you later, Gohan."
I can't blame her, really. It'd been not even half a year since Cell, and the fear was hard to forget. We were so terrified of the cyborgs. Their power was incredible, we'd been worrying about them for years, and they threatened to kill Goku. You can't blame her at all for being hostile, especially having lost her husband.
But, you know, it hurt. Really hurt. I was miserable. I'd finally befriended Chichi after all the years we'd known each other, and I'd become closer than ever to Gohan, and now I faced being barred from seeing Goku's family altogether. It really does happen - people develop feuds that they carry for the rest of their lives, and over much pettier things than who threatened to kill whom. It's what I'd feared, in the back of my mind, ever since 18 came to stay with me at the Kame House.
18 and I actually went out on the first thing you could construe as a "date" for ages that evening. It was standard dinner-and-a-movie fare, way out of the ordinary for us. I had a pretty good time, but I wasn't really happy.
18, as always, was perceptive. "What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing."
"I thought we were beyond lying to each other."
That one is hard to dodge. I told her about Chichi. She pointed out that she hadn't really done anything to her, so I had to explain how she and her brother had been hyped up to us as evil abominations. I tried not to be so harsh as Trunks, but she was understandably shocked.
"I'd never thought about that before... At the beginning, I suppose we would have been capable of that. It wouldn't have seemed any different from anything else to us. It's hard to believe now..."
"I've never believed it." A lie, but I was trying to reassure her.
"Anyway," she said, "that explains why everyone's so uncomfortable around me..."
I felt badly for making her upset, so I told her that I'd been blowing the problem out of proportion and that everyone would get used to her soon enough, and as I said it I realized that I was probably right - I had blown it out of proportion. We'd accepted others before who'd been actual threats to the world, rather than merely perceived ones. However, she just asked me to tell her more about Trunks's time.
"There isn't that much to tell. He said there were only a few thousand left."
18 looked kind of angry. "What a terrible, senseless waste."
"Yeah."
We didn't say anything for a minute. She rested her head on the heel of her hand and closed her eyes. Then, she looked at me.
"I don't know how you can live with me knowing that. How do you know I won't revert to type?" Said simply and boldly - a challenge.
"Come on, 18, that's just ridiculous."
Maybe, she said, but didn't it disgust me - me, such a moral, heroic person - to know that she had such potential? Didn't it nip at me a little every now and then, make me wince?
I sighed. Paused.
"I've thought about it before, 18. And yeah, I've winced once or twice. But the plain fact I always come back to is that you aren't a serial killer - you're a good and loving person. And the way I see it, what someone really is is a hell of a lot more important than what they just might have been."
For a moment, she seriously considered this. Then, she broke out into a smile and leaned forward.
"You always say the right thing, God damn you."
That month, we had lunch with Bulma and a couple of other friends. Bulma said to me over the phone, "You guys are the only real friends I have - I think we should see each other more often." True, and it gave me a chance to introduce 18 to everyone. I was kind of nervous, but it needed to happen sooner or later.
Everyone from the Kame House went. Yamucha was busy (baseball season) and couldn't make it, but Gohan was to come a little later. We met Bulma at some restaurant in East Capital, nothing special. I have to say it was fun seeing Bulma. She had that same startlingly frank manner and that same irrepressible determination - it can be refreshing. By this time, I'd come to consider her one of my closest friends.
Her hair was up and kind of a mess. "Sorry I don't look quite like the astonishingly beautiful genius you remember," - she winked - "but things've been pretty hectic lately." I've no doubt it was true - she was in the process of taking the reins at Capsule Corp at that time, and Capsule Corp itself had just come under contract with the King's Peacekeeping Force, who'd been badly shaken by the whole Cell affair. Little Trunks was there too. He was something like a year and a half old then. He stared at us, spoke, though not very verbally, to his mom, and generally messed around with whatever was in reach. Bulma stopped to correct him every so often. ("Vegeta was supposed to watch him today," she complained.) Pretty cute kid.
I introduced 18. Bulma was pretty nice about it. She congratulated us on our relationship, asked us how things had been going. Pretty good, we said. I asked how things were between her and Vegeta. "Oh, he's taken to pretending to ignore me. It's his latest phase. I can get him to cut it out by yelling at him a little." I nodded and wiped the sweatdrop away with my napkin.
"So, you and 18 must have been going out for a few months now."
"Well, not exactly. She's been staying with us for a while, but our 'relationship' didn't actually start until a little over a month ago..."
"Yeah," said Oolong, "but you could tell it from real early on. It was pretty easy to see they were attracted to each other."
"Mmm..." said Bulma. "Hey, 18. How do you really feel about Kuririn?"
I noticed almost immediately that it was the same question Bulma had asked Maron a few years earlier. The parallel was scary - I couldn't help but be a bit nervous. Fortunately, things went better that time.
"He's the kindest human I've ever met, and we're in love." 18 was a bit uncomfortable to be presenting our relationship for evaluation like that - to be honest, so was I - but it made me feel good to hear it. I took her hand. She moved our hands under the table, and then squeezed back.
"Sounds good," said Bulma with a wry smile, and it was on to other topics. I felt like we'd just cleared a big hurdle.
Bulma was catching up with Oolong (and we may have been eating - we did eat) when Gohan finally showed up. Chichi had come with him. I wasn't that surprised.
"Um," said Gohan, "Sorry I'm late. Hi, Bulma-san... Kuririn..."
"You," said Chichi. Obviously speaking to 18.
"What?"
"You're the android, aren't you."
"Something like that. You must be the Saiyan's wife."
Okay, for those who are keeping score, that was just the introduction and both parties have already said something offensive. Uncomfortable doesn't begin to describe the situation.
Chichi began to get violently upset, but Bulma cut in - "Lady, you might have a problem, but this is my lunch with my friends and I do NOT need you making a scene" - and she reduced herself to simmeringly upset.
Chichi began to vent at 18. The first few things she said were pretty founded, but after that, she lost direction. She talked about all her family'd been through, and those torturous few years of waiting, and Cell, and culminated with a How dare you show your face around here after all you've caused. 18 gave me a look - "What could I possibly say that would satisfy this woman?" I wasn't much help.
Finally, 18 tried to explain herself. "I'm sorry," she said, "for my brother's and my behavior. We were acting on all we knew, which was almost nothing. It was foolish, and I do apologize for that. I'm also sorry for threatening to kill your husband. But you cannot expect me to apologize for your fear - I can't help what I am - and I will not apologize for anything that Cell did, because that is Cell's responsibility, not mine. Don't be unreasonable."
This, of course, only set Chichi off even more. "How dare you take that tone with me?" she began, and started her attack anew. We were on the verge of a scene.
Finally, 18 lost her composure somewhat. "Look-- Look. Please. For whatever it's worth, I never meant you or your family any harm."
Chichi stopped.
She froze with her hand over her mouth for a minute.
"Oh... I'm so sorry. I've just... It's just been so hard, and you seemed like a part of it. You haven't done anything to deserve this. I'm..."
She started to cry. Now we did have a scene, but no one cared anymore. Muten Roshi-sama comforted her, and we left the restaurant to get some fresh air.
"...I'm all right now," said Chichi. "I'm sorry. I'm just an old fool."
"Nonsense," said Roshi. "If anything, you're a very young fool."
That cheered her up considerably. I think we all did a good job of making her feel like we were all friends and only wanted to help.
When I finally asked if she was still angry at 18, she said, "No. There's so much tragedy already without turning away potential friends." They even shook hands.
And that was it. No bitter feuds, no over-the-top scenes. When it came down to it, Chichi wasn't really that unreasonable - she was just a woman in a lot of pain. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you remember that people are just people, and people can be talked to.
"That was really good," I said to 18 afterward.
"It was hard. I had to be... Just tell me it won't be this hard every time we see your friends."
"Nah. It should be pretty much smooth sailing from here on."
I did see the others more often after that. Not regularly by any means, but a lot more often.
18 and I attended one of Yamucha's baseball games and met him afterward. That was pretty fun - I hadn't been to a baseball game since I was 14 or 15.
We (sometimes just I) were over at the Son House a few times. They were doing better. There was a big feeling of expectancy - there always is when there's a baby coming. I took Gohan fishing once. He seemed almost back to his old self - I hadn't seen him smile so much since before Cell.
We even went to Capsule Corp a couple of times, but 18 wasn't really comfortable there. They were way too interested in her. She said that it reminded her of Gero. Actually, a couple of people were somewhat interested in me as well. Around that time, our adventures were starting to be discovered by the public, and there was a lot of curiosity about the source and nature of our power. I didn't subject to any tests at that time out of respect for 18, but I eventually would.
Bulma told 18 that they still had the blueprints for her and her brother, in case she were ever interested in seeing them. She did seem quite interested, but she declined.
"I was afraid," she told me later.
"Of what?"
"Of finding out just how much of me is real."
Inevitably, 18 met Vegeta, who seemed content to gloat and talk down to her. 18, however, refused to be talked down to, so neither one gained much ground. He did call her a "trash puppet", which hurt. "Choose your battles," I told myself.
Muten Roshi-sama's occupation at that time was poker. He got interested in it in low-stakes games on the Internet, and eventually started qualifying for tournaments. He really was good - I'm something of a poker player myself, and he always annihilates me. He's just so creepy and nonchalant it makes you paranoid. Also, his bluffs are insane. "When you're as old as me, you don't worry about these things so much," he told me once.
The funny thing is that, when he started going to the tournaments, he re-adopted his Jackie Chun persona, fake hair and all. Building up the reputation, you know, he said.
18 was less than impressed. "That's a disguise? He still looks like the same old turtle geezer to me."
"Well, you know, the hair... the lack of glasses... it makes a big difference. Anyway, it fooled HIM for years!" Pointing at me.
"Uhm... I wasn't the brightest kid around... I think Goku might have been rubbing off on me. Heh."
But, I digress. He went on to place second in a world tournament in a championship match that was televised. He won over half a million zenii, which came down to around 200,000 (considering taxes and what he lost getting there) that he actually put in a bank account after coming home. We used the money to take care of everyone at the Kame House, as Roshi was generous and said he didn't know what he'd do with it anyway.
18 and I were convinced that we ought to find some sort of employment, but never did very much about it - I think that, at that point, we were still feeling a bit isolated and were wary about contact with people. 18 did actually have a job in retail for a little while, but she didn't hold it that long.
"Would it kill you to smile?"
"I don't smile that often."
"Could you at least try?"
"I can't do it without a reason. It looks weird."
Still, she did earn a few paychecks, which is more than I can say for myself. She also took up painting for a while, starting with a couple of books and some watercolors. She stuck with it long enough to get pretty decent, and did a couple of nice pieces based on some she'd seen in magazines, but lost interest and dropped it for quite a while.
I was suffering from a massive case of writer's block and didn't do that much during that time. I did some reading, but that's about it.
The big event, of course, was the birth of Chichi's son Goten. Chichi and her family were getting a lot of attention after that. Everyone wanted to help however they could - shopping, cooking, helping to take care of the baby, financially - I don't think we quite smothered them, but we came pretty close.
Goten had an insane resemblance to his father - he could practically have been his twin brother. It's a good thing that our lives aren't a manga, or I'd have to call the artist lazy.
I fell in love with that kid, though. He was just so... well, it's going to sound clichéd, but cute. Very cute. Being around him and holding him made me feel really good. And I was exposed to a bit of the less pleasant part of taking care of a baby - not all of it, obviously, it wasn't my kid, and I wasn't about to be there to be woken up at 4 AM - but it didn't seem like anything I couldn't handle. After a while, I started thinking, "Hey, I want one of these."
Once, without thinking, I said to 18, "Man, I can't get enough of that kid. Isn't he cute?"
"Yeah. It seems like you've adhered to the child. Am I losing you, Kuririn? It seems I've got some competition."
"Ha ha, no way, 18. But you know, I was just thinking how I might like to have a kid myself some time--"
I stopped and looked at her a bit anxiously. We'd never talked about that before.
She wouldn't look at me.
"I guess. That's what normal people do."
"Hey, 18, I didn't mean--"
"No, it's perfectly understandable. I mean... I can see where you're coming from."
Uncomfortable silence: eight seconds.
"Well, we ought to be getting home now. They probably want some time alone anyway." I said my goodbyes and we left.
So, 18 was obviously uncomfortable with the idea of being a mother. My feelings were kind of a mess. It felt so stupid: I'd never seriously thought about being a father before, so why was I upset? I certainly didn't want to push 18 into anything she didn't want. Still, it made me sad to think of that door being closed. When I thought about it a little more, I realized that it brought up a lot of other questions that hadn't been asked. Were 18 and I going to be together for the rest of our lives? Were we going to get married? Even - and lord, it made me sick to think this, but it couldn't be avoided - was it even possible for 18 to have children?
Looking at 18, I could tell she was wrestling with similar issues. I wanted to say something comforting and reassuring, something that said, hey, we're in this together and no matter what happens, we'll make it. I'd done it so many times before.
But my words were lame, my tongue useless. All I could do was feel worthless pain.
Oh, 18. What was wrong with me?
---
part II
There was a period where we were drifting apart. I'm not sure when it started or exactly how long it lasted, but it was significant. I just didn't feel very close to her. I wanted to, but I didn't.
Part of the problem was that we didn't know each other that well, or at least, not as well as we've since come to. We weren't completely comfortable with each other yet.
I felt like she wasn't being affectionate enough, especially in public. I've never been big on public displays of affection, but I wished she would give any sign at all that we were close. It made me feel unappreciated. She was frustrated with me because - well, I don't think I've given the impression here, but a lot of the time back then I used to be kind of simple. Not stupid, exactly, but more often than should have been, 18 would want to talk about something and I'd be clueless. A lot of things went over my head.
Then there were the disagreements about people whom we cared about. When I finally talked to 18 about 17, it didn't go well.
"I'm surprised you asked," she said. "You've never wanted to know anything about him before."
"It's just that I never found out why you left him. Do you even see him anymore?"
"Actually, I do. I go out and see him fairly often. The reason I left was that he was so immature and unwilling to change. I love my brother, and I can relate to him in ways I can't relate to anyone else, but he was just at a phase I felt like I'd left behind. I couldn't satisfy myself with the same way of life he did. At the time, I didn't have a clue why. I just felt angry. You know, Kuririn, I'm glad you brought this up. I've actually been feeling badly that I've separated from him and--"
See, there was my opportunity to bond in an important way. Watch me screw it up.
"Wait, wait. You say he's at a phase you've left behind?"
"That's what I said."
"What do you mean, exactly?"
"He doesn't care about anything. I mean, that's exaggerating, but it seems like everything's a game to him."
"Everything? Huh... do you think he would have qualms about killing somebody?"
"...What?"
"I mean, I never thought about it, but he still could be dangerous. Maybe we should..."
I continued to dig myself into that hole for a good minute or so. There I was, being the exact same brand of irrational I'd feared so much from my friends! That was dumb on so many levels, and I really hurt her feelings. That was a sore point for a very long time.
Also, 18 had come to resent Goku. Somehow, she picked up only the worst parts of him - unintelligent, not there for his family, overconfident sometimes near to the point of suicide. I'm not saying that he was those things; I'm just trying to give a sense of the impression she got. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I often praised him at my own expense, in statements such as:
"Oh, I wasn't really much help against Cell. Goku..."
"Nah, I'm not that good at this. You should have seen Goku..."
"Goku was a better, braver warrior than I could ever hope to be."
Honestly, I can see how she might have gotten tired of that. She took it a bit too far, though, and started kind of badmouthing him. Eventually, I couldn't take that anymore and I backlashed. Senseless bickering, really, but that was a sore spot for an even longer time - until fairly recently, I'd say.
Whatever the reason, we drifted apart. At first, we just didn't talk to each other so often or do as much together. Then, we didn't see each other so much - neither one of us did a whole lot (in fact, our inactivity was a big part of the problem), but somehow we managed to miss each other fairly often. I'd be at Goku's family's, she'd be out looking for her brother... she went shopping without letting me know. I visited Yamucha without taking her and didn't really think about it until Yamucha actually asked me where she was.
It was awful. Well, put in perspective, it wasn't that bad - we weren't fighting much or not speaking to each other, it was mostly a kind of malaise. It was as awful as malaise can be, though. I was depressed and restless a lot of the time. Nothing seemed to help. Our conversations didn't seem to have the same kind of meaning they used to, we were tired of the things we usually did and thus kept putting them off, and we weren't comfortable trying much of anything new, so we just basically went nowhere.
My writer's block was worse than ever. With nothing else to do, I started training again. Sure enough, I started getting stronger again after a little while. I marveled at the fact that I hadn't yet hit my limit.
18 and I started sparring again. It went ok, as she'd learned to control herself better. That was kind of fun; we'd found one new thing to do, at least. This outlasted the boredom that inspired it. I was still training, and we were still sparring, right up until she became pregnant with Marron.
This feeling persisted entirely too long. It's not as if we didn't have any good times, but they were scarce. I can't imagine how it was possible now. There was still so much of our relationship we'd yet to explore! I guess we were just stalling.
18 told me one day that the fact that she knew so little about herself was really starting to bother her. She said she was thinking of taking Bulma up on looking at those blueprints.
"Sure," I said. "Maybe that's a good idea."
Famous last words.
We never actually spoke to Bulma. We talked to her father on the phone, and he delegated someone who was researching robotics and who'd studied the blueprints to help us.
He was a pretty nice guy, actually. He introduced himself, shook 18's hand and said "nice to meet you."
"I think I've seen you before," he said to me. "What was the name?"
"Kuririn," said 18. "He's my boyfriend."
"Oh, I see," he said, and smiled. It's hard to be offended by such a pleasant smile, but I managed. "How curious," it seemed to say. "What an amusing curiosity." Patronizing.
He handed us the blueprints - copies, they'd retained the original - and began to describe in great detail what Gero did in the process of making her a cyborg. He stopped a couple of times to make sure we were okay with him going on, but 18 told him not to stop.
It was... really, really brutal. We'd never imagined that so much had been replaced. I felt shocked and a little bit sick. I was holding 18's hand at the start, but she took it away and folded them under her arms. Without going into too much detail, her brain, skin and superficial flesh, nervous system, digestive system, reproductive system, and most of her vital organs were pretty much intact, but not much else. There was another very small device in her head that worked with her brain. They weren't sure just how.
18 didn't say anything. I glanced at her, worried, every so often, but she gave no response. Every so often, she nodded. Even in that moment, she looked beautiful and very human to me. I just felt sorry for her.
I talked to him for a little bit, thanked him, and we left.
Neither of us said anything for some time. We walked, mostly.
"18?"
"What?"
"How are you feeling?"
She laughed. It was the most joyless laugh I've ever heard.
"How am I feeling... Kuririn, I am a fucking MACHINE. How do you think I feel?"
"All this time..." I heard her say under her breath. "Who do I think I've been fooling?"
I was visibly alarmed. "18, that's not--"
"I don't feel like talking right now, okay? I'll see you back at home. Later."
She flew away. In a time when I was more confident, I might have followed her, but I didn't. I went home.
It was a few hours before she came home. I was as anxious as hell. I tried to think of something comforting to say to her, but I couldn't think of the first thing. It's just as well - when she did get home, I didn't have the nerve to speak to her.
18 was pretty quiet for the next few days. The next thing of any appreciable length that she said to me was:
"I'm going to be gone for a while."
"Huh? Where are you going?"
"There are some things that I need to try to figure out. I guess it'll be what's left of Gero's lab, first. After that... wherever whim takes me, I suppose."
"Oh. How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know. It could be a long time."
There was a dull irritation in the back of my brain. I should say something about this.
"Um... you'll need clothes, food, and probably some money."
Something other than that.
"I've already packed everything I need. I don't have to eat a lot."
"Well, I'm sure you'll be all right."
...
"I'll miss you," I said.
"I'll miss you too. I still love you."
"I still love you, too."
She got a backpack and a jacket and made for the door. "Wait," I said.
"What?"
"Your backpack's unzipped."
"Oh... Thanks. Well, see ya."
It wasn't until she was actually walking out the door that it hit me - that the irritation started to seem important.
"Hey, wait!" I said.
"What?" A bit annoyed, by this time.
"This isn't right. We need to talk."
"So talk."
"This isn't a good place for talking."
It's irrational and paranoid, I know, but when I saw her walking out like that, I had a sensation that she was walking out of my life forever, and it scared me. We found our old spot pretty quickly.
I explained that I couldn't let her go. I was careful to say that I didn't think she was my property, and of course she could travel if she wanted, but not while we weren't getting along like this and she had just had such a shock. Running away won't help, I said. We just need to talk.
"You're probably right, this might not be the best thing. I just don't know what else to do."
There was probably a considerable pause where neither of us could think of anything to say. I asked her how she was really feeling.
"Used, violated, inhuman and scared."
"Scared?"
"I'm not human. Part of me says I should stop trying to deny that, and sometimes I feel like that's all I've been doing."
My heart was pounding out of my ribcage, man. Please tell me there's a "but".
"But I don't want to give up my life. I love you, I've been having a good time, and besides, I feel much freer now. I feel like I can do whatever I want in this world instead of having to remain isolated and boxed into one kind of life."
"Um, I don't think there's any reason you should have to..."
"Surely I disgust you."
"What? Hey, no way! How could I ever be... I mean, you're--"
"--beautiful?"
"Uh."
"I have to say you're right there. Gero didn't do anything to mess up my pretty face. Probably he made it this way, actually."
She closed her eyes for a few moments, then asked me if I'd ever seen her with her shirt off.
"Well... I mean, it seems like a pretty strange time to bring that up."
She rolled her eyes. "Put two and two together, idiot."
What can I say - I kept getting five. She sighed and lifted up her shirt.
There was a scar running down most of her torso. It was thin but quite red.
"Oh."
"It's ugly," she said, touching it with one hand. "I hate it."
"It isn't that bad," I said, truthfully. "I've seen much worse."
"It's not just the way it looks," she said, and instantly, for once, I knew what she meant. That scar was a constant reminder what Gero had done to her and all of the consequences of that. She put her shirt back down. "Even on the outside I'm imperfect."
"That doesn't matter. I love you."
"You love me in spite of this," she said, indicating the scar, and when she said that, something clicked in my head. I felt like such a fool for not getting it sooner.
"You're wrong," I said. "I love you for who you are, and that's just a part of who you are."
"What? You can't mean that you love that I'm a cyborg."
"No, it's... You don't have to deny what you are. It doesn't disqualify you from a good life, and it doesn't make you inhuman or incapable of a normal kind of feeling. It's just part of you as a person, for good or bad. And that's fine." I was smiling. This was good stuff.
"It's... nice of you to say that."
"It's true. 18, I say a lot of stuff, and some of it doesn't make much sense, but this is true. Trust me."
18 looked at me. She looked tender, almost fragile.
"Thank you," she said, and hugged me.
Things started to get better after that. I think a big part of it was the realization that neither of us was perfect and that that was just fine. It wasn't instantaneous, but we had a new outlook, our lives were more active, our relationship had progressed to a new level and before I knew it, we felt as close as ever. The next time we met at our spot, we were smiling, kissing, even making out a little bit.
"18," I said, "I don't ever want to leave you."
She smiled somewhat deviously. "Like I'd let you."
Love: It's a great thing.
---
part III
Man, the next couple of years are such a blur it's crazy. I wrote my first novel - it took five months. I wasn't able to get it published yet, and there was a lot of editing and rewriting to be done, but I was happy to have done it.
18 took up painting again. She insists it's just something to do when she's bored, but I've been really impressed by some of the work she's done. She has a unique perspective that results in some very interesting images. Her self-portraits, especially, are very moving.
Yamucha, 18 and I started doing some volunteer work: building houses, working in the warehouse at food banks. That felt really good. It's a great way to spend extra time, and you feel like you are doing an enormous amount of good. The organizations really appreciated our help because we're able to lift so much, but anybody can make an enormous contribution. The world would be a better place if everyone would help out once in a while. It sounds tired, but I really believe it.
Goten grew up fast, and being a Saiyan it wasn't long at all before he was one hell of a handful. It was fun being there to watch him grow up, though. Gohan was clearly enjoying the whole big brother thing, even if he complained sometimes.
Chichi and Gohan ended up babysitting Trunks fairly often, and though he resented the younger kid at first, Trunks and Goten got to know each other and started becoming friends really early on. That went a long way toward developing a lasting relationship between Goku's and Bulma's families, and even helped reconcile Vegeta with everyone.
Trunks was an okay kid: a bit arrogant, but smart and pretty amiable. Bulma and Vegeta turned out to be surprisingly good parents, though neither of them thought themselves especially suited to the role.
One summer night, Yamucha invited 18 and I on a double date.
"I've got a date with this sweet girl and I think you guys should come along. Nothing too racy, I promise."
"Um... I dunno, Yamucha..." I was already trying to think of an excuse to beg it off.
"Um, Kuririn, it's okay if you don't want to go, but... You and 18 take yourselves way too seriously. I mean, you're the kind of people who make everything a serious issue."
"We do?"
"Yeah. Sometimes it's a good thing, but... Honestly, I think it would do you both some good to let yourselves go every now and then."
We actually did end up going. I'd thought it was going to be uncomfortable, but you know what? We had a lot of fun. I remember hopping around town, getting just a little bit drunk, laughing until my sides hurt. Yamucha might have had a point.
I participated, at some point, in a couple of studies on ki manipulation, but I think I'd be better off talking about that later.
Um... I went through a brief period where I tried floating around so I'd be at people's eye-level, but I felt too much like Pu'ar, and people made fun of me.
No. That last one didn't really happen. I'm really tired and trying to finish this chapter.
Anyway, like I said, a blur.
It had been a little over two years since she came to the Kame House when 18 and I became engaged to be married. The suggestion had come up much sooner, but we weren't in any hurry. We wanted to wait until we were really comfortable with each other, and besides, we didn't really regard marriage as a necessity. We already felt very close to each other - why did we need an institution to make it "official"?
Still, I liked the idea of having somebody I could really call family - I never had - and I also liked to think we would be together for a very long time, so I proposed. There was a ring, a pretty nice one - I picked it out, but Yamucha paid for it. I didn't want him to, but he insisted. After we came into some money later, I paid him back, but that was technically 18's money, so she essentially paid for her own engagement ring. Heh. If I were a prideful sort of guy, that might really bother me.
I made a semi-nice dinner (good cut of steak, brown rice, green beans) and arranged for Oolong and Roshi to be elsewhere. There wasn't a lot of ceremony, but I thought it was nice. At some point, I pulled out the box.
"I should've known you had some ulterior motive about tonight," she said. (Just a joke. You have to know her.)
I laughed. "I guess you have me all figured out, 18. This probably won't come as much of a surprise, either."
I opened the box. Despite herself, she did seem a little bit surprised.
"So... Will you marry me?"
She smiled and nodded. "Yes."
"Oh. Wow, um... heheheh. Cool." Turning red as a radish. I must have looked like a moron. I'd thought I was prepared for it, but I guess I overestimated myself.
Yes, though. Yes, yes, yes. What a beautiful word.
We had a really nice evening. A bit subdued, but very happy. I moved back into the room that night. Looking at her, I was just so happy. She was beautiful, what we had was beautiful, and I was incredibly lucky.
Before I get any sappier, let's end the chapter.
--END OF CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE--
part I
I woke up feeling generally cheerful. When I saw 18 that morning, I felt overcome with an urge to embrace her immediately.
I chuckled at myself. Slow down, Romeo.
I told her good morning; she returned it without special inflection and without any affectionate gestures. But her eyes met mine and the look there was knowing, sharing. It told me that she hadn't forgotten about the night before.
I went through my morning charged and energetically greeted Roshi and Oolong, even going out to the beach to say good morning to Umigame, who commented that I seemed especially happy this morning.
I didn't say anything to anyone about what 18 and I had shared the night before. I figured I'd save it for breakfast, bringing it up only when prompted so that I wouldn't seem too eager, as I was sure I had with Maron. Oolong provided me with my cue early on in the meal.
"So," he said, "Kuririn, 18; you guys seemed pretty upset last night. Everything's resolved now, huh?"
"Well," I began.
"Yes," said 18, not looking up from her place. "I was having a problem, but now... it isn't a problem anymore. We've gotten it worked out."
"Really? Uh... is that it?" said Oolong. He was responding to 18, but looking at me.
"Uh," I said. Confused, I searched 18 for answers. She gave me a steady look. What in the world was going on?
"Yeah," I finally said. "Yeah, that's it. We've got it worked out." My eyes sunk into my plate, and I felt confused and vaguely betrayed. My energy seemed to have been suddenly extinguished.
"Good, good, glad to hear it," said Roshi. "It's so uneasy around here when you young people are upset."
"Uh-huh," I replied. I felt in a steep downward spiral, plunging into oblivion.
I washed all of the dirty dishes in the house that morning with a bit more attention than necessary, holding each item up to the light for inspection. I was dizzy from the thoughts ricocheting around my brain - what the hell was going on? Did I imagine last night? No, that's stupid. Then, did I imagine the meaning behind 18's eye contact just an hour or two ago? Was it just going to be like nothing ever happened? All of the relief and release I'd felt seemed to come crashing horribly down. I struggled to control my strength and not break the dishes.
Nearby, 18 told Oolong that she was going out for a bit. "Oh... okay," he said, slightly puzzled.
Just before she went out the door, 18 looked at me. I glared desperately back.
In a tiny, almost imperceptible motion of her head, 18 indicated for me to follow her, then left.
I finished washing the dish I was holding, neatly stacked it, walked calmly to the door and went outside, then began to fly. I met her in the air.
We landed on the first convenient piece of ground we came upon. She stood with her back to me, arms folded.
"You probably don't think a lot of me right now," she said.
"Why, 18? Why did you lie?"
Turning toward me, she snapped, "I did not lie."
I sighed. "You know what I mean."
"I'm sorry," she said. "I don't mean to deny anything between us. Please understand that. I want this to be, Kuririn. I really want to have this with you."
The way she said it was so tender that I couldn't help but be amazed at its honesty. My anger faded.
"It makes me so happy to hear you say that, 18," I said. "But... why do you want to hide it?"
"It isn't that," she said, returning to her normal tone of voice. "I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of attention. I know that when a human gets a girlfriend, their friends are... I don't know... curious. That would feel very strange for me. I don't think I'm ready."
I frowned. "We probably won't be able to hide it for long."
"Just be patient with me, and I'll work myself up to it. Then, you can tell anyone you want. Just wait a while first. Please."
I couldn't refuse. I knew this was important to her, and as she looked at me I felt as passionate about her as I had when she told me that she loved me. "Sure," I said. "We'll keep it between us for a while. It's no big deal."
She nodded, and then to my great surprise, hugged me. I put my arms around her and pressed my face against hers. We held each other for several seconds. It felt wonderful.
I was surprised, actually, by how little 18's request bothered me. I think that I started to understand then what real love is about. I mean, with Maron it was all about appearances, and I would have had a fit if I hadn't been able to show her off. With 18, though, that just didn't seem so important. I guess that I did look forward to telling my friends (in a mixed way, as I was sure their reactions would be mixed), but this hardly seemed central to the relationship. Nor was I especially concerned with love as an achievement, so that I would not have to feel when the end was coming that I'd done nothing with my life. All that I really cared about was 18, and the closeness I felt to her. I guess that's the best way I can describe love - closeness. I felt very close to her, and this was gratifying, like something that I desperately needed.
So, we kept it under the radar for a couple of weeks. It was a bit of a hassle, but not too bad. It wasn't difficult - I mean, it's not like anyone was scheming to discover us or anything.
18 told me after a while that I could let people know now, if I wanted. "Just don't make a big deal out of it," she said. I told Roshi-sama and Oolong that evening. They seemed to approve. I didn't tell anyone else just yet.
So, I guess our relationship had officially started at that point. We didn't really know where to take it from there - most people start dating, but that's basically what we'd already been doing for a couple of months. We just took every opportunity we'd get to talk alone, and that seemed to work. We found a spot in the mountains (I'm not saying where, after all, we still go there!) that was really nice and peaceful. It's great, you know, to be able to fly pretty much anywhere on the planet you want. If I'm ever feeling constricted, I can just fly off somewhere for a while.
We used to go out there a couple of times a week. It's become more like once every couple of months now, but it's still nice. We lie down among the grass and talk sometimes, or sometimes just relax and not say much.
One of the first times we were there, I asked 18 why she'd kissed me the first time we met.
"I'll tell you," she said, "if you'll tell me why you destroyed the remote."
Wow, that was a jolt to me. I hadn't thought of that in quite a while. I remembered my struggle over that, how painful and hard it had been. It seemed to be in another dimension by that time.
"You seemed like a good person," I said.
"I beat up your friends," she said. "I was going to kill Goku."
"Yeah, but I wasn't really feeling that. I mean... you never felt like a bad person to me. That, and I thought you were pretty."
She nodded thoughtfully. "All right, but my reason isn't going to sound so noble. You looked harmless and I thought it'd be fun to mess with you."
"Oh." I have to admit, I was a little disappointed.
"And," she added, "I thought you were cute."
I laughed. "I was funny-looking!"
"In a good way." She was smiling a little.
I laughed again. "You know, it's kind of funny that that's the only time we've kissed."
She sat up. "Is it?"
I grew a little shy at this, surprised at how seriously she'd taken it. "Well," I said, "you have to admit that the circumstances were pretty weird."
"You know... You could kiss me now if you wanted to."
I stared at her, blankly astonished, for a few seconds. The next thing that I remember, we were kissing.
The kiss was a little hesitant and slow at first, but it was very passionate - I felt that kiss, I felt it somewhere as I pressed my lips back against hers and placed my hand lightly on her back. She ran her hand through my hair and cradled the back of my head in her palm, holding me there. Everything felt right in my universe, then. Everything was just as it should be.
After we pulled away, she said to me, breathing a little heavily, "That definitely felt different than before."
"Yeah," I said. "Maybe that's what it feels like when you mean it."
After that, I think I told her that I loved her again. She said that she knew I did.
That kiss felt like an overwhelming moment to me. For a while afterward, when I looked at her I'd remember having shared that with her. What can I say, it felt good.
I hadn't seen Goku's family in months, so I figured I'd pay them a visit. I guess it was one of those ideas that just struck me, so I didn't call or anything. It was just one of those spontaneous things. Surprisingly, it was Gohan who eventually answered the door.
"Oh... It's you, Kuririn."
"Yep! Man, Gohan, I can't get over how big you're getting! Looks like I have to deal with being the shortest fighter around again."
"Cut it out," he said, embarrassed. "Um... I guess you can come in, for a minute."
Gohan was home alone. He told me to sit at the kitchen table and made me a sandwich. He was such a nice kid.
We talked for a little while. He was busy, as usual. I think he told me he'd been to Capsule Corp recently.
I asked Gohan when his mother would be getting back. He got kind of nervous, as I recall.
"Kuririn... you've got to understand about my mother. She's really a good person."
"What are you talking about, Gohan?"
"It's just that sometimes she can really hold a grudge." He struggled for words. "I mean... she's just trying to protect her family. It's really hard for her."
I stared at him idiotically, not getting it.
"I... uh... Hey, we heard that you were seeing 18!"
I nodded. "I haven't told everyone yet, but she's become my girlfriend."
Gohan smiled. "I'm really happy for you. I always knew you'd find somebody. I hope you guys get married and have a bunch of kids!"
I probably rubbed the back of my neck and laughed nervously. It's what I usually do.
If not then, then soon after that, Chichi got home. She was starting to look rather pregnant. She would not make eye contact with me. She had a lot of groceries and supplies but wouldn't let me help. She told me to leave.
"Chichi," I said stupidly, "what...?"
"It is not my business what you do on your own time, Kuririn." The forced politeness made every word grate. "But you are now in my home and I have the right to ask you to leave."
Gohan started to get angry, but I cut him off. "It's okay," I said, "I'll go. Catch you later, Gohan."
I can't blame her, really. It'd been not even half a year since Cell, and the fear was hard to forget. We were so terrified of the cyborgs. Their power was incredible, we'd been worrying about them for years, and they threatened to kill Goku. You can't blame her at all for being hostile, especially having lost her husband.
But, you know, it hurt. Really hurt. I was miserable. I'd finally befriended Chichi after all the years we'd known each other, and I'd become closer than ever to Gohan, and now I faced being barred from seeing Goku's family altogether. It really does happen - people develop feuds that they carry for the rest of their lives, and over much pettier things than who threatened to kill whom. It's what I'd feared, in the back of my mind, ever since 18 came to stay with me at the Kame House.
18 and I actually went out on the first thing you could construe as a "date" for ages that evening. It was standard dinner-and-a-movie fare, way out of the ordinary for us. I had a pretty good time, but I wasn't really happy.
18, as always, was perceptive. "What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing."
"I thought we were beyond lying to each other."
That one is hard to dodge. I told her about Chichi. She pointed out that she hadn't really done anything to her, so I had to explain how she and her brother had been hyped up to us as evil abominations. I tried not to be so harsh as Trunks, but she was understandably shocked.
"I'd never thought about that before... At the beginning, I suppose we would have been capable of that. It wouldn't have seemed any different from anything else to us. It's hard to believe now..."
"I've never believed it." A lie, but I was trying to reassure her.
"Anyway," she said, "that explains why everyone's so uncomfortable around me..."
I felt badly for making her upset, so I told her that I'd been blowing the problem out of proportion and that everyone would get used to her soon enough, and as I said it I realized that I was probably right - I had blown it out of proportion. We'd accepted others before who'd been actual threats to the world, rather than merely perceived ones. However, she just asked me to tell her more about Trunks's time.
"There isn't that much to tell. He said there were only a few thousand left."
18 looked kind of angry. "What a terrible, senseless waste."
"Yeah."
We didn't say anything for a minute. She rested her head on the heel of her hand and closed her eyes. Then, she looked at me.
"I don't know how you can live with me knowing that. How do you know I won't revert to type?" Said simply and boldly - a challenge.
"Come on, 18, that's just ridiculous."
Maybe, she said, but didn't it disgust me - me, such a moral, heroic person - to know that she had such potential? Didn't it nip at me a little every now and then, make me wince?
I sighed. Paused.
"I've thought about it before, 18. And yeah, I've winced once or twice. But the plain fact I always come back to is that you aren't a serial killer - you're a good and loving person. And the way I see it, what someone really is is a hell of a lot more important than what they just might have been."
For a moment, she seriously considered this. Then, she broke out into a smile and leaned forward.
"You always say the right thing, God damn you."
That month, we had lunch with Bulma and a couple of other friends. Bulma said to me over the phone, "You guys are the only real friends I have - I think we should see each other more often." True, and it gave me a chance to introduce 18 to everyone. I was kind of nervous, but it needed to happen sooner or later.
Everyone from the Kame House went. Yamucha was busy (baseball season) and couldn't make it, but Gohan was to come a little later. We met Bulma at some restaurant in East Capital, nothing special. I have to say it was fun seeing Bulma. She had that same startlingly frank manner and that same irrepressible determination - it can be refreshing. By this time, I'd come to consider her one of my closest friends.
Her hair was up and kind of a mess. "Sorry I don't look quite like the astonishingly beautiful genius you remember," - she winked - "but things've been pretty hectic lately." I've no doubt it was true - she was in the process of taking the reins at Capsule Corp at that time, and Capsule Corp itself had just come under contract with the King's Peacekeeping Force, who'd been badly shaken by the whole Cell affair. Little Trunks was there too. He was something like a year and a half old then. He stared at us, spoke, though not very verbally, to his mom, and generally messed around with whatever was in reach. Bulma stopped to correct him every so often. ("Vegeta was supposed to watch him today," she complained.) Pretty cute kid.
I introduced 18. Bulma was pretty nice about it. She congratulated us on our relationship, asked us how things had been going. Pretty good, we said. I asked how things were between her and Vegeta. "Oh, he's taken to pretending to ignore me. It's his latest phase. I can get him to cut it out by yelling at him a little." I nodded and wiped the sweatdrop away with my napkin.
"So, you and 18 must have been going out for a few months now."
"Well, not exactly. She's been staying with us for a while, but our 'relationship' didn't actually start until a little over a month ago..."
"Yeah," said Oolong, "but you could tell it from real early on. It was pretty easy to see they were attracted to each other."
"Mmm..." said Bulma. "Hey, 18. How do you really feel about Kuririn?"
I noticed almost immediately that it was the same question Bulma had asked Maron a few years earlier. The parallel was scary - I couldn't help but be a bit nervous. Fortunately, things went better that time.
"He's the kindest human I've ever met, and we're in love." 18 was a bit uncomfortable to be presenting our relationship for evaluation like that - to be honest, so was I - but it made me feel good to hear it. I took her hand. She moved our hands under the table, and then squeezed back.
"Sounds good," said Bulma with a wry smile, and it was on to other topics. I felt like we'd just cleared a big hurdle.
Bulma was catching up with Oolong (and we may have been eating - we did eat) when Gohan finally showed up. Chichi had come with him. I wasn't that surprised.
"Um," said Gohan, "Sorry I'm late. Hi, Bulma-san... Kuririn..."
"You," said Chichi. Obviously speaking to 18.
"What?"
"You're the android, aren't you."
"Something like that. You must be the Saiyan's wife."
Okay, for those who are keeping score, that was just the introduction and both parties have already said something offensive. Uncomfortable doesn't begin to describe the situation.
Chichi began to get violently upset, but Bulma cut in - "Lady, you might have a problem, but this is my lunch with my friends and I do NOT need you making a scene" - and she reduced herself to simmeringly upset.
Chichi began to vent at 18. The first few things she said were pretty founded, but after that, she lost direction. She talked about all her family'd been through, and those torturous few years of waiting, and Cell, and culminated with a How dare you show your face around here after all you've caused. 18 gave me a look - "What could I possibly say that would satisfy this woman?" I wasn't much help.
Finally, 18 tried to explain herself. "I'm sorry," she said, "for my brother's and my behavior. We were acting on all we knew, which was almost nothing. It was foolish, and I do apologize for that. I'm also sorry for threatening to kill your husband. But you cannot expect me to apologize for your fear - I can't help what I am - and I will not apologize for anything that Cell did, because that is Cell's responsibility, not mine. Don't be unreasonable."
This, of course, only set Chichi off even more. "How dare you take that tone with me?" she began, and started her attack anew. We were on the verge of a scene.
Finally, 18 lost her composure somewhat. "Look-- Look. Please. For whatever it's worth, I never meant you or your family any harm."
Chichi stopped.
She froze with her hand over her mouth for a minute.
"Oh... I'm so sorry. I've just... It's just been so hard, and you seemed like a part of it. You haven't done anything to deserve this. I'm..."
She started to cry. Now we did have a scene, but no one cared anymore. Muten Roshi-sama comforted her, and we left the restaurant to get some fresh air.
"...I'm all right now," said Chichi. "I'm sorry. I'm just an old fool."
"Nonsense," said Roshi. "If anything, you're a very young fool."
That cheered her up considerably. I think we all did a good job of making her feel like we were all friends and only wanted to help.
When I finally asked if she was still angry at 18, she said, "No. There's so much tragedy already without turning away potential friends." They even shook hands.
And that was it. No bitter feuds, no over-the-top scenes. When it came down to it, Chichi wasn't really that unreasonable - she was just a woman in a lot of pain. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you remember that people are just people, and people can be talked to.
"That was really good," I said to 18 afterward.
"It was hard. I had to be... Just tell me it won't be this hard every time we see your friends."
"Nah. It should be pretty much smooth sailing from here on."
I did see the others more often after that. Not regularly by any means, but a lot more often.
18 and I attended one of Yamucha's baseball games and met him afterward. That was pretty fun - I hadn't been to a baseball game since I was 14 or 15.
We (sometimes just I) were over at the Son House a few times. They were doing better. There was a big feeling of expectancy - there always is when there's a baby coming. I took Gohan fishing once. He seemed almost back to his old self - I hadn't seen him smile so much since before Cell.
We even went to Capsule Corp a couple of times, but 18 wasn't really comfortable there. They were way too interested in her. She said that it reminded her of Gero. Actually, a couple of people were somewhat interested in me as well. Around that time, our adventures were starting to be discovered by the public, and there was a lot of curiosity about the source and nature of our power. I didn't subject to any tests at that time out of respect for 18, but I eventually would.
Bulma told 18 that they still had the blueprints for her and her brother, in case she were ever interested in seeing them. She did seem quite interested, but she declined.
"I was afraid," she told me later.
"Of what?"
"Of finding out just how much of me is real."
Inevitably, 18 met Vegeta, who seemed content to gloat and talk down to her. 18, however, refused to be talked down to, so neither one gained much ground. He did call her a "trash puppet", which hurt. "Choose your battles," I told myself.
Muten Roshi-sama's occupation at that time was poker. He got interested in it in low-stakes games on the Internet, and eventually started qualifying for tournaments. He really was good - I'm something of a poker player myself, and he always annihilates me. He's just so creepy and nonchalant it makes you paranoid. Also, his bluffs are insane. "When you're as old as me, you don't worry about these things so much," he told me once.
The funny thing is that, when he started going to the tournaments, he re-adopted his Jackie Chun persona, fake hair and all. Building up the reputation, you know, he said.
18 was less than impressed. "That's a disguise? He still looks like the same old turtle geezer to me."
"Well, you know, the hair... the lack of glasses... it makes a big difference. Anyway, it fooled HIM for years!" Pointing at me.
"Uhm... I wasn't the brightest kid around... I think Goku might have been rubbing off on me. Heh."
But, I digress. He went on to place second in a world tournament in a championship match that was televised. He won over half a million zenii, which came down to around 200,000 (considering taxes and what he lost getting there) that he actually put in a bank account after coming home. We used the money to take care of everyone at the Kame House, as Roshi was generous and said he didn't know what he'd do with it anyway.
18 and I were convinced that we ought to find some sort of employment, but never did very much about it - I think that, at that point, we were still feeling a bit isolated and were wary about contact with people. 18 did actually have a job in retail for a little while, but she didn't hold it that long.
"Would it kill you to smile?"
"I don't smile that often."
"Could you at least try?"
"I can't do it without a reason. It looks weird."
Still, she did earn a few paychecks, which is more than I can say for myself. She also took up painting for a while, starting with a couple of books and some watercolors. She stuck with it long enough to get pretty decent, and did a couple of nice pieces based on some she'd seen in magazines, but lost interest and dropped it for quite a while.
I was suffering from a massive case of writer's block and didn't do that much during that time. I did some reading, but that's about it.
The big event, of course, was the birth of Chichi's son Goten. Chichi and her family were getting a lot of attention after that. Everyone wanted to help however they could - shopping, cooking, helping to take care of the baby, financially - I don't think we quite smothered them, but we came pretty close.
Goten had an insane resemblance to his father - he could practically have been his twin brother. It's a good thing that our lives aren't a manga, or I'd have to call the artist lazy.
I fell in love with that kid, though. He was just so... well, it's going to sound clichéd, but cute. Very cute. Being around him and holding him made me feel really good. And I was exposed to a bit of the less pleasant part of taking care of a baby - not all of it, obviously, it wasn't my kid, and I wasn't about to be there to be woken up at 4 AM - but it didn't seem like anything I couldn't handle. After a while, I started thinking, "Hey, I want one of these."
Once, without thinking, I said to 18, "Man, I can't get enough of that kid. Isn't he cute?"
"Yeah. It seems like you've adhered to the child. Am I losing you, Kuririn? It seems I've got some competition."
"Ha ha, no way, 18. But you know, I was just thinking how I might like to have a kid myself some time--"
I stopped and looked at her a bit anxiously. We'd never talked about that before.
She wouldn't look at me.
"I guess. That's what normal people do."
"Hey, 18, I didn't mean--"
"No, it's perfectly understandable. I mean... I can see where you're coming from."
Uncomfortable silence: eight seconds.
"Well, we ought to be getting home now. They probably want some time alone anyway." I said my goodbyes and we left.
So, 18 was obviously uncomfortable with the idea of being a mother. My feelings were kind of a mess. It felt so stupid: I'd never seriously thought about being a father before, so why was I upset? I certainly didn't want to push 18 into anything she didn't want. Still, it made me sad to think of that door being closed. When I thought about it a little more, I realized that it brought up a lot of other questions that hadn't been asked. Were 18 and I going to be together for the rest of our lives? Were we going to get married? Even - and lord, it made me sick to think this, but it couldn't be avoided - was it even possible for 18 to have children?
Looking at 18, I could tell she was wrestling with similar issues. I wanted to say something comforting and reassuring, something that said, hey, we're in this together and no matter what happens, we'll make it. I'd done it so many times before.
But my words were lame, my tongue useless. All I could do was feel worthless pain.
Oh, 18. What was wrong with me?
---
part II
There was a period where we were drifting apart. I'm not sure when it started or exactly how long it lasted, but it was significant. I just didn't feel very close to her. I wanted to, but I didn't.
Part of the problem was that we didn't know each other that well, or at least, not as well as we've since come to. We weren't completely comfortable with each other yet.
I felt like she wasn't being affectionate enough, especially in public. I've never been big on public displays of affection, but I wished she would give any sign at all that we were close. It made me feel unappreciated. She was frustrated with me because - well, I don't think I've given the impression here, but a lot of the time back then I used to be kind of simple. Not stupid, exactly, but more often than should have been, 18 would want to talk about something and I'd be clueless. A lot of things went over my head.
Then there were the disagreements about people whom we cared about. When I finally talked to 18 about 17, it didn't go well.
"I'm surprised you asked," she said. "You've never wanted to know anything about him before."
"It's just that I never found out why you left him. Do you even see him anymore?"
"Actually, I do. I go out and see him fairly often. The reason I left was that he was so immature and unwilling to change. I love my brother, and I can relate to him in ways I can't relate to anyone else, but he was just at a phase I felt like I'd left behind. I couldn't satisfy myself with the same way of life he did. At the time, I didn't have a clue why. I just felt angry. You know, Kuririn, I'm glad you brought this up. I've actually been feeling badly that I've separated from him and--"
See, there was my opportunity to bond in an important way. Watch me screw it up.
"Wait, wait. You say he's at a phase you've left behind?"
"That's what I said."
"What do you mean, exactly?"
"He doesn't care about anything. I mean, that's exaggerating, but it seems like everything's a game to him."
"Everything? Huh... do you think he would have qualms about killing somebody?"
"...What?"
"I mean, I never thought about it, but he still could be dangerous. Maybe we should..."
I continued to dig myself into that hole for a good minute or so. There I was, being the exact same brand of irrational I'd feared so much from my friends! That was dumb on so many levels, and I really hurt her feelings. That was a sore point for a very long time.
Also, 18 had come to resent Goku. Somehow, she picked up only the worst parts of him - unintelligent, not there for his family, overconfident sometimes near to the point of suicide. I'm not saying that he was those things; I'm just trying to give a sense of the impression she got. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I often praised him at my own expense, in statements such as:
"Oh, I wasn't really much help against Cell. Goku..."
"Nah, I'm not that good at this. You should have seen Goku..."
"Goku was a better, braver warrior than I could ever hope to be."
Honestly, I can see how she might have gotten tired of that. She took it a bit too far, though, and started kind of badmouthing him. Eventually, I couldn't take that anymore and I backlashed. Senseless bickering, really, but that was a sore spot for an even longer time - until fairly recently, I'd say.
Whatever the reason, we drifted apart. At first, we just didn't talk to each other so often or do as much together. Then, we didn't see each other so much - neither one of us did a whole lot (in fact, our inactivity was a big part of the problem), but somehow we managed to miss each other fairly often. I'd be at Goku's family's, she'd be out looking for her brother... she went shopping without letting me know. I visited Yamucha without taking her and didn't really think about it until Yamucha actually asked me where she was.
It was awful. Well, put in perspective, it wasn't that bad - we weren't fighting much or not speaking to each other, it was mostly a kind of malaise. It was as awful as malaise can be, though. I was depressed and restless a lot of the time. Nothing seemed to help. Our conversations didn't seem to have the same kind of meaning they used to, we were tired of the things we usually did and thus kept putting them off, and we weren't comfortable trying much of anything new, so we just basically went nowhere.
My writer's block was worse than ever. With nothing else to do, I started training again. Sure enough, I started getting stronger again after a little while. I marveled at the fact that I hadn't yet hit my limit.
18 and I started sparring again. It went ok, as she'd learned to control herself better. That was kind of fun; we'd found one new thing to do, at least. This outlasted the boredom that inspired it. I was still training, and we were still sparring, right up until she became pregnant with Marron.
This feeling persisted entirely too long. It's not as if we didn't have any good times, but they were scarce. I can't imagine how it was possible now. There was still so much of our relationship we'd yet to explore! I guess we were just stalling.
18 told me one day that the fact that she knew so little about herself was really starting to bother her. She said she was thinking of taking Bulma up on looking at those blueprints.
"Sure," I said. "Maybe that's a good idea."
Famous last words.
We never actually spoke to Bulma. We talked to her father on the phone, and he delegated someone who was researching robotics and who'd studied the blueprints to help us.
He was a pretty nice guy, actually. He introduced himself, shook 18's hand and said "nice to meet you."
"I think I've seen you before," he said to me. "What was the name?"
"Kuririn," said 18. "He's my boyfriend."
"Oh, I see," he said, and smiled. It's hard to be offended by such a pleasant smile, but I managed. "How curious," it seemed to say. "What an amusing curiosity." Patronizing.
He handed us the blueprints - copies, they'd retained the original - and began to describe in great detail what Gero did in the process of making her a cyborg. He stopped a couple of times to make sure we were okay with him going on, but 18 told him not to stop.
It was... really, really brutal. We'd never imagined that so much had been replaced. I felt shocked and a little bit sick. I was holding 18's hand at the start, but she took it away and folded them under her arms. Without going into too much detail, her brain, skin and superficial flesh, nervous system, digestive system, reproductive system, and most of her vital organs were pretty much intact, but not much else. There was another very small device in her head that worked with her brain. They weren't sure just how.
18 didn't say anything. I glanced at her, worried, every so often, but she gave no response. Every so often, she nodded. Even in that moment, she looked beautiful and very human to me. I just felt sorry for her.
I talked to him for a little bit, thanked him, and we left.
Neither of us said anything for some time. We walked, mostly.
"18?"
"What?"
"How are you feeling?"
She laughed. It was the most joyless laugh I've ever heard.
"How am I feeling... Kuririn, I am a fucking MACHINE. How do you think I feel?"
"All this time..." I heard her say under her breath. "Who do I think I've been fooling?"
I was visibly alarmed. "18, that's not--"
"I don't feel like talking right now, okay? I'll see you back at home. Later."
She flew away. In a time when I was more confident, I might have followed her, but I didn't. I went home.
It was a few hours before she came home. I was as anxious as hell. I tried to think of something comforting to say to her, but I couldn't think of the first thing. It's just as well - when she did get home, I didn't have the nerve to speak to her.
18 was pretty quiet for the next few days. The next thing of any appreciable length that she said to me was:
"I'm going to be gone for a while."
"Huh? Where are you going?"
"There are some things that I need to try to figure out. I guess it'll be what's left of Gero's lab, first. After that... wherever whim takes me, I suppose."
"Oh. How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know. It could be a long time."
There was a dull irritation in the back of my brain. I should say something about this.
"Um... you'll need clothes, food, and probably some money."
Something other than that.
"I've already packed everything I need. I don't have to eat a lot."
"Well, I'm sure you'll be all right."
...
"I'll miss you," I said.
"I'll miss you too. I still love you."
"I still love you, too."
She got a backpack and a jacket and made for the door. "Wait," I said.
"What?"
"Your backpack's unzipped."
"Oh... Thanks. Well, see ya."
It wasn't until she was actually walking out the door that it hit me - that the irritation started to seem important.
"Hey, wait!" I said.
"What?" A bit annoyed, by this time.
"This isn't right. We need to talk."
"So talk."
"This isn't a good place for talking."
It's irrational and paranoid, I know, but when I saw her walking out like that, I had a sensation that she was walking out of my life forever, and it scared me. We found our old spot pretty quickly.
I explained that I couldn't let her go. I was careful to say that I didn't think she was my property, and of course she could travel if she wanted, but not while we weren't getting along like this and she had just had such a shock. Running away won't help, I said. We just need to talk.
"You're probably right, this might not be the best thing. I just don't know what else to do."
There was probably a considerable pause where neither of us could think of anything to say. I asked her how she was really feeling.
"Used, violated, inhuman and scared."
"Scared?"
"I'm not human. Part of me says I should stop trying to deny that, and sometimes I feel like that's all I've been doing."
My heart was pounding out of my ribcage, man. Please tell me there's a "but".
"But I don't want to give up my life. I love you, I've been having a good time, and besides, I feel much freer now. I feel like I can do whatever I want in this world instead of having to remain isolated and boxed into one kind of life."
"Um, I don't think there's any reason you should have to..."
"Surely I disgust you."
"What? Hey, no way! How could I ever be... I mean, you're--"
"--beautiful?"
"Uh."
"I have to say you're right there. Gero didn't do anything to mess up my pretty face. Probably he made it this way, actually."
She closed her eyes for a few moments, then asked me if I'd ever seen her with her shirt off.
"Well... I mean, it seems like a pretty strange time to bring that up."
She rolled her eyes. "Put two and two together, idiot."
What can I say - I kept getting five. She sighed and lifted up her shirt.
There was a scar running down most of her torso. It was thin but quite red.
"Oh."
"It's ugly," she said, touching it with one hand. "I hate it."
"It isn't that bad," I said, truthfully. "I've seen much worse."
"It's not just the way it looks," she said, and instantly, for once, I knew what she meant. That scar was a constant reminder what Gero had done to her and all of the consequences of that. She put her shirt back down. "Even on the outside I'm imperfect."
"That doesn't matter. I love you."
"You love me in spite of this," she said, indicating the scar, and when she said that, something clicked in my head. I felt like such a fool for not getting it sooner.
"You're wrong," I said. "I love you for who you are, and that's just a part of who you are."
"What? You can't mean that you love that I'm a cyborg."
"No, it's... You don't have to deny what you are. It doesn't disqualify you from a good life, and it doesn't make you inhuman or incapable of a normal kind of feeling. It's just part of you as a person, for good or bad. And that's fine." I was smiling. This was good stuff.
"It's... nice of you to say that."
"It's true. 18, I say a lot of stuff, and some of it doesn't make much sense, but this is true. Trust me."
18 looked at me. She looked tender, almost fragile.
"Thank you," she said, and hugged me.
Things started to get better after that. I think a big part of it was the realization that neither of us was perfect and that that was just fine. It wasn't instantaneous, but we had a new outlook, our lives were more active, our relationship had progressed to a new level and before I knew it, we felt as close as ever. The next time we met at our spot, we were smiling, kissing, even making out a little bit.
"18," I said, "I don't ever want to leave you."
She smiled somewhat deviously. "Like I'd let you."
Love: It's a great thing.
---
part III
Man, the next couple of years are such a blur it's crazy. I wrote my first novel - it took five months. I wasn't able to get it published yet, and there was a lot of editing and rewriting to be done, but I was happy to have done it.
18 took up painting again. She insists it's just something to do when she's bored, but I've been really impressed by some of the work she's done. She has a unique perspective that results in some very interesting images. Her self-portraits, especially, are very moving.
Yamucha, 18 and I started doing some volunteer work: building houses, working in the warehouse at food banks. That felt really good. It's a great way to spend extra time, and you feel like you are doing an enormous amount of good. The organizations really appreciated our help because we're able to lift so much, but anybody can make an enormous contribution. The world would be a better place if everyone would help out once in a while. It sounds tired, but I really believe it.
Goten grew up fast, and being a Saiyan it wasn't long at all before he was one hell of a handful. It was fun being there to watch him grow up, though. Gohan was clearly enjoying the whole big brother thing, even if he complained sometimes.
Chichi and Gohan ended up babysitting Trunks fairly often, and though he resented the younger kid at first, Trunks and Goten got to know each other and started becoming friends really early on. That went a long way toward developing a lasting relationship between Goku's and Bulma's families, and even helped reconcile Vegeta with everyone.
Trunks was an okay kid: a bit arrogant, but smart and pretty amiable. Bulma and Vegeta turned out to be surprisingly good parents, though neither of them thought themselves especially suited to the role.
One summer night, Yamucha invited 18 and I on a double date.
"I've got a date with this sweet girl and I think you guys should come along. Nothing too racy, I promise."
"Um... I dunno, Yamucha..." I was already trying to think of an excuse to beg it off.
"Um, Kuririn, it's okay if you don't want to go, but... You and 18 take yourselves way too seriously. I mean, you're the kind of people who make everything a serious issue."
"We do?"
"Yeah. Sometimes it's a good thing, but... Honestly, I think it would do you both some good to let yourselves go every now and then."
We actually did end up going. I'd thought it was going to be uncomfortable, but you know what? We had a lot of fun. I remember hopping around town, getting just a little bit drunk, laughing until my sides hurt. Yamucha might have had a point.
I participated, at some point, in a couple of studies on ki manipulation, but I think I'd be better off talking about that later.
Um... I went through a brief period where I tried floating around so I'd be at people's eye-level, but I felt too much like Pu'ar, and people made fun of me.
No. That last one didn't really happen. I'm really tired and trying to finish this chapter.
Anyway, like I said, a blur.
It had been a little over two years since she came to the Kame House when 18 and I became engaged to be married. The suggestion had come up much sooner, but we weren't in any hurry. We wanted to wait until we were really comfortable with each other, and besides, we didn't really regard marriage as a necessity. We already felt very close to each other - why did we need an institution to make it "official"?
Still, I liked the idea of having somebody I could really call family - I never had - and I also liked to think we would be together for a very long time, so I proposed. There was a ring, a pretty nice one - I picked it out, but Yamucha paid for it. I didn't want him to, but he insisted. After we came into some money later, I paid him back, but that was technically 18's money, so she essentially paid for her own engagement ring. Heh. If I were a prideful sort of guy, that might really bother me.
I made a semi-nice dinner (good cut of steak, brown rice, green beans) and arranged for Oolong and Roshi to be elsewhere. There wasn't a lot of ceremony, but I thought it was nice. At some point, I pulled out the box.
"I should've known you had some ulterior motive about tonight," she said. (Just a joke. You have to know her.)
I laughed. "I guess you have me all figured out, 18. This probably won't come as much of a surprise, either."
I opened the box. Despite herself, she did seem a little bit surprised.
"So... Will you marry me?"
She smiled and nodded. "Yes."
"Oh. Wow, um... heheheh. Cool." Turning red as a radish. I must have looked like a moron. I'd thought I was prepared for it, but I guess I overestimated myself.
Yes, though. Yes, yes, yes. What a beautiful word.
We had a really nice evening. A bit subdued, but very happy. I moved back into the room that night. Looking at her, I was just so happy. She was beautiful, what we had was beautiful, and I was incredibly lucky.
Before I get any sappier, let's end the chapter.
--END OF CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE--