Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR, do you really think I would be writing
this? NO! I'd be dead and enjoying myself in heaven right now!!!
Title: The Elvin Book of Fairy Tales
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Various
Warnings: OOCness, slash, incest, slight character bashing, random insane stupidity... o0
Fairy Tale for Chapter: The Lame Fox
Ethnic Origin of Fairy Tale: Czech
----------
There once was a man named Gaffer who had three sons. Two were bright boys, but the youngest was a foolish lad. That having been said, I'm sure you can already guess that the foolish one is the story hero, right?
Now, Gaffer's right eye was always laughing, but his left eye was always weeping. Gaffer's sons decided to ask him why this was so.
The eldest son asked, but Gaffer threw a knife at him. Obviously Gaffer was depressed and mentally unstable, and needed professional help, but the sons decided to take the stupid way to find the problem. So anyway, the second son asked and the same thing happened. Both sons fled. But only an idiot wouldn't flee from a depressed and mentally unstable person with a knife.
Then the third son, Sam, asked. Gaffer seized the knife, but Sam did not run. After all, Sam had been to Mordor and back, fought against orcs, fought a giant spider and won, avoided the gaze of Sauron, saved Frodo from dropping into a volcano, and he was still alive. A knife was not going to scare him. So Gaffer put down the knife and said, "My other two sons are cowards (A/N: No, they just know when's a good time to run), but you are brave, so my right eye laughs. But my left eye weeps because my magic vine, which gives twenty-four buckets of wine a day, has been stolen."
"First, why does ANYONE need that much wine a day, and second, your vine was stolen 20 years ago and you haven't gone to look for it yet?" Sam asked with an eyebrow raised. Gaffer went on stuttering for a few moments before muttering "Stupid Sam."
The three brothers agreed to set out in search of the magic vine. The road forked three ways, and each took a path. The two older boys soon met up once more (although how this happened is beyond anyone). "Praise Elebreth, we've managed to shake off that ninny!" they laughed and sat down to eat the food they had brought. Along came a lame he-fox (even though it was supposed to be a she-fox. But the authoress doesn't really care at this point), looking very hungry. But the brothers didn't spare him a crumb; they just said, "There's a fox! Let's kill it!" Obviously these to are inhumane foul humans whom I shall hurt severely later because they tried to hurt a poor fox. The fox limped away.
When Sam sat down to eat, the same fox came up to him. "These are hard times," he said. "Share my meal." Obviously Sam in much more humane than his stupid brothers. Except to Gollum. But everyone is inhumane to Gollum, so that doesn't really count.
After they had eaten the fox said, "Where are you going?" Now like I said before, this would've shocked Sam, but he had seen too many other things to think that this was strange. But Sam told her everything anyway.
"Follow me," said the fox.
They came to a garden. "The vine is in there," the fox said (don't ask how he knew; we'll just pretend the fox is magic). "You must pass twelve guards. Their eyes are open, but they are asleep (obviously the guards are elves). You'll find a gold shovel and a wooden shovel. Dig up the vine with the wooden shovel and come back to me."
Now Sam would've dug up the vine with the wooden shovel, but that would be straying from the story line TOO much. So, by demand of the authoress, Sam forgot what they fox had said, and took up the gold shovel. Although why anyone would want to dig with a gold shovel is beyond me. It must be really heavy and get tiring after awhile. As soon as Sam pushed it into the ground, it woke the guards, and they took him to their master.
"But the vine is my fathers," Sam exclaimed, even though he could have really cared less about it.
"That may be," said the lord, "but I will not give it back unless you bring me the golden apple tree that bears golden fruit every day."
Why anyone would want golden fruit was beyond Sam, but he went back to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He took him to another garden and said, "To reach the golden apple tree, you must pass another twelve guards. By the tree are two poles: a golden one and a wooden one. Take the wooden pole, beat the tree, and come back."
"Umm... How does beating it get the tree to us?" Sam asked.
"I don't know, that's just what you're supposed to do," replied the fox.
So Sam went to beat the tree, but he 'accidentally on purpose' beat the tree with the golden pole and woke the guards. The lord said, "I'll give you the tree, if you bring me the golden horse with the golden wings."
Sam groaned. What did everyone think he was, their errand boy? He liked traveling through Mordor better than this, and that was really saying something.
Sam went to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He led him through a dark forest (no, it was not Fangorn forest) to a farmyard (no, it was not Farmer Maggot's farmyard) and said, "First you must pass twelve guards. The golden horse is in a stable and hanging near it are two bridles: one of gold and one of straw (although how anyone could make a straw bridle is beyond anyone). Bridle the horse with the straw one and ride him back to me."
Now this was going to be a difficult task for Sam, because he's a hobbit and therefore very short. So we're going to just magically place a foot stool in the stable, ok?
Sam 'accidentally on purpose' bridled the horse with the golden bridle and woke the guards. "The lord said, "I'll give you the golden horse if bring me...OIL!!!" Then Denethor saw the authoress glaring at him. "Err, I mean, I'll give you the golden horse if you bring me the golden girl in the golden cradle."
Sam went back to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He took him to a cave and said, "Inside the cave, past the twelve guards, is the golden girl, rocking herself in her golden cradle. Nearby is a huge specter, screaming, 'No! No!' Pay it no mind. Pick up the golden cradle, and bring it to me."
"Uhh... Shouldn't I be putting the golden girl in a wood cradle or something?" asked Sam.
"Hey, I don't make the rules, I just tell them, ok?" said the fox.
This time, Sam was finally able to do something right instead of 'accidentally on purpose' doing the wrong thing. They went back to the farmyard and the lad said, "The golden girl is so beautiful, it seems a pity to give her up." So the fox changed himself into a golden girl, except his eyes were a fox's eyes. The lad gave the fox-girl to the lord, and took away the golden horse.
That night, Denethor was gazing at the golden girl when he cried out, "You have a fox's eyes!" The girl changed back into a fox, which ran to where Sam was waiting with the real golden girl and the golden horse. Denethor didn't really care. All he wanted was oil.
The fox next changed himself into the golden horse, except he still had a fox's tail. Sam swapped him for the golden tree. Later, when the lord was admiring the horse, he said, "You are so beautiful, except for that scruffy fox's tail!" The horse changed back into the fox, scratched the lord very badly for calling him scruffy, and then ran to where Sam was waiting.
Last the fox changed himself into a golden apple tree and Sam swapped her for his father's vine. But as the lord was admiring the tree, he suddenly said, "How strange! The apples look like fox's heads!" And the tree turned back into fox, which ran off to join Sam, the girl, the horse, the tree and the vine.
On the way home Sam encountered his brothers. They threw him down a well and stole his treasures. But when they took them back to their father, the vine wouldn't make wine, the apple tree wouldn't bloom, the golden horse wouldn't neigh and the golden girl wouldn't smile. And still their father's left eye wept.
Meanwhile the lame fox rescued Sam from the well. While he lay gasping for air on the grass, he changed into.....
FRODO BAGGINS!!!!!!
"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!" Frodo cried as he flung himself at Sam.
"MR. FROOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Sam cried as he caught Frodo and hugged him.
"I was so scared, Sam! Gandalf turned me into a fox and I was so scared I would be a fox forever. But them I found you! But I couldn't tell you because of the spell! I'm so happy its broken Sam!" Frodo said happily as he hugged Sam tight.
"Everything's alright now Mr. Frodo. Your Sam is here. Everything is alright," Sam said as he stroked Frodo's hair gently.
"Oh Sam," Frodo said as he kissed Sam. And even tough this story is supposed to end with the fox turning into a princess and Sam marrying the golden girl and his brothers getting their just desserts, I'm not going to do that. Because to happy hobbits together is WAY batter than marrying a golden girl.
The End
----------
Pyro: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! Fluffy hobbit action! :-)
Sam and Frodo: (cuddled up in a corner)
Golden Girl: What about me Sam?! Don't you want me?
Sam: NO! FUCK OFF!!! (Gives her the finger and continues cuddling Frodo)
Pyro: Awwww....... :-)
Title: The Elvin Book of Fairy Tales
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Various
Warnings: OOCness, slash, incest, slight character bashing, random insane stupidity... o0
Fairy Tale for Chapter: The Lame Fox
Ethnic Origin of Fairy Tale: Czech
----------
There once was a man named Gaffer who had three sons. Two were bright boys, but the youngest was a foolish lad. That having been said, I'm sure you can already guess that the foolish one is the story hero, right?
Now, Gaffer's right eye was always laughing, but his left eye was always weeping. Gaffer's sons decided to ask him why this was so.
The eldest son asked, but Gaffer threw a knife at him. Obviously Gaffer was depressed and mentally unstable, and needed professional help, but the sons decided to take the stupid way to find the problem. So anyway, the second son asked and the same thing happened. Both sons fled. But only an idiot wouldn't flee from a depressed and mentally unstable person with a knife.
Then the third son, Sam, asked. Gaffer seized the knife, but Sam did not run. After all, Sam had been to Mordor and back, fought against orcs, fought a giant spider and won, avoided the gaze of Sauron, saved Frodo from dropping into a volcano, and he was still alive. A knife was not going to scare him. So Gaffer put down the knife and said, "My other two sons are cowards (A/N: No, they just know when's a good time to run), but you are brave, so my right eye laughs. But my left eye weeps because my magic vine, which gives twenty-four buckets of wine a day, has been stolen."
"First, why does ANYONE need that much wine a day, and second, your vine was stolen 20 years ago and you haven't gone to look for it yet?" Sam asked with an eyebrow raised. Gaffer went on stuttering for a few moments before muttering "Stupid Sam."
The three brothers agreed to set out in search of the magic vine. The road forked three ways, and each took a path. The two older boys soon met up once more (although how this happened is beyond anyone). "Praise Elebreth, we've managed to shake off that ninny!" they laughed and sat down to eat the food they had brought. Along came a lame he-fox (even though it was supposed to be a she-fox. But the authoress doesn't really care at this point), looking very hungry. But the brothers didn't spare him a crumb; they just said, "There's a fox! Let's kill it!" Obviously these to are inhumane foul humans whom I shall hurt severely later because they tried to hurt a poor fox. The fox limped away.
When Sam sat down to eat, the same fox came up to him. "These are hard times," he said. "Share my meal." Obviously Sam in much more humane than his stupid brothers. Except to Gollum. But everyone is inhumane to Gollum, so that doesn't really count.
After they had eaten the fox said, "Where are you going?" Now like I said before, this would've shocked Sam, but he had seen too many other things to think that this was strange. But Sam told her everything anyway.
"Follow me," said the fox.
They came to a garden. "The vine is in there," the fox said (don't ask how he knew; we'll just pretend the fox is magic). "You must pass twelve guards. Their eyes are open, but they are asleep (obviously the guards are elves). You'll find a gold shovel and a wooden shovel. Dig up the vine with the wooden shovel and come back to me."
Now Sam would've dug up the vine with the wooden shovel, but that would be straying from the story line TOO much. So, by demand of the authoress, Sam forgot what they fox had said, and took up the gold shovel. Although why anyone would want to dig with a gold shovel is beyond me. It must be really heavy and get tiring after awhile. As soon as Sam pushed it into the ground, it woke the guards, and they took him to their master.
"But the vine is my fathers," Sam exclaimed, even though he could have really cared less about it.
"That may be," said the lord, "but I will not give it back unless you bring me the golden apple tree that bears golden fruit every day."
Why anyone would want golden fruit was beyond Sam, but he went back to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He took him to another garden and said, "To reach the golden apple tree, you must pass another twelve guards. By the tree are two poles: a golden one and a wooden one. Take the wooden pole, beat the tree, and come back."
"Umm... How does beating it get the tree to us?" Sam asked.
"I don't know, that's just what you're supposed to do," replied the fox.
So Sam went to beat the tree, but he 'accidentally on purpose' beat the tree with the golden pole and woke the guards. The lord said, "I'll give you the tree, if you bring me the golden horse with the golden wings."
Sam groaned. What did everyone think he was, their errand boy? He liked traveling through Mordor better than this, and that was really saying something.
Sam went to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He led him through a dark forest (no, it was not Fangorn forest) to a farmyard (no, it was not Farmer Maggot's farmyard) and said, "First you must pass twelve guards. The golden horse is in a stable and hanging near it are two bridles: one of gold and one of straw (although how anyone could make a straw bridle is beyond anyone). Bridle the horse with the straw one and ride him back to me."
Now this was going to be a difficult task for Sam, because he's a hobbit and therefore very short. So we're going to just magically place a foot stool in the stable, ok?
Sam 'accidentally on purpose' bridled the horse with the golden bridle and woke the guards. "The lord said, "I'll give you the golden horse if bring me...OIL!!!" Then Denethor saw the authoress glaring at him. "Err, I mean, I'll give you the golden horse if you bring me the golden girl in the golden cradle."
Sam went back to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He took him to a cave and said, "Inside the cave, past the twelve guards, is the golden girl, rocking herself in her golden cradle. Nearby is a huge specter, screaming, 'No! No!' Pay it no mind. Pick up the golden cradle, and bring it to me."
"Uhh... Shouldn't I be putting the golden girl in a wood cradle or something?" asked Sam.
"Hey, I don't make the rules, I just tell them, ok?" said the fox.
This time, Sam was finally able to do something right instead of 'accidentally on purpose' doing the wrong thing. They went back to the farmyard and the lad said, "The golden girl is so beautiful, it seems a pity to give her up." So the fox changed himself into a golden girl, except his eyes were a fox's eyes. The lad gave the fox-girl to the lord, and took away the golden horse.
That night, Denethor was gazing at the golden girl when he cried out, "You have a fox's eyes!" The girl changed back into a fox, which ran to where Sam was waiting with the real golden girl and the golden horse. Denethor didn't really care. All he wanted was oil.
The fox next changed himself into the golden horse, except he still had a fox's tail. Sam swapped him for the golden tree. Later, when the lord was admiring the horse, he said, "You are so beautiful, except for that scruffy fox's tail!" The horse changed back into the fox, scratched the lord very badly for calling him scruffy, and then ran to where Sam was waiting.
Last the fox changed himself into a golden apple tree and Sam swapped her for his father's vine. But as the lord was admiring the tree, he suddenly said, "How strange! The apples look like fox's heads!" And the tree turned back into fox, which ran off to join Sam, the girl, the horse, the tree and the vine.
On the way home Sam encountered his brothers. They threw him down a well and stole his treasures. But when they took them back to their father, the vine wouldn't make wine, the apple tree wouldn't bloom, the golden horse wouldn't neigh and the golden girl wouldn't smile. And still their father's left eye wept.
Meanwhile the lame fox rescued Sam from the well. While he lay gasping for air on the grass, he changed into.....
FRODO BAGGINS!!!!!!
"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!" Frodo cried as he flung himself at Sam.
"MR. FROOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Sam cried as he caught Frodo and hugged him.
"I was so scared, Sam! Gandalf turned me into a fox and I was so scared I would be a fox forever. But them I found you! But I couldn't tell you because of the spell! I'm so happy its broken Sam!" Frodo said happily as he hugged Sam tight.
"Everything's alright now Mr. Frodo. Your Sam is here. Everything is alright," Sam said as he stroked Frodo's hair gently.
"Oh Sam," Frodo said as he kissed Sam. And even tough this story is supposed to end with the fox turning into a princess and Sam marrying the golden girl and his brothers getting their just desserts, I'm not going to do that. Because to happy hobbits together is WAY batter than marrying a golden girl.
The End
----------
Pyro: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! Fluffy hobbit action! :-)
Sam and Frodo: (cuddled up in a corner)
Golden Girl: What about me Sam?! Don't you want me?
Sam: NO! FUCK OFF!!! (Gives her the finger and continues cuddling Frodo)
Pyro: Awwww....... :-)