Chapter 32: Family
It was fun being engaged. It didn't last that long, but it was fun. Hey, world, we're in love. You've got to recognize that now.
I remember announcing it to everybody during a dinner at the Son house. They applauded. I was really happy and proud, and I was kind of worried that 18 would be embarrassed, but she smiled and put her hand on my shoulder. She was happy, too. I don't think I could have been truly happy if she hadn't been - if I hadn't been sure this was for us, rather than just me.
We didn't spend a lot of time on wedding planning and preparations. 18 told me that the ceremony wasn't that important to her, so I could do what I wanted. Her one stipulation was that she wanted to wear a nice white dress.
To that end, we did spend a considerable amount of time looking at wedding dresses. From what I've heard of wedding planning, that's the only part of the "real wedding planning experience" that we actually went through. It didn't feel that hectic, though. I got to see 18 in lots of beautiful dresses, which is a good day in my book. I wasn't much help in the selection, as I thought she looked absolutely stunning in pretty much everything. She would sigh and tell me to put my eyes back into their sockets and take an honest look. I did love the one she decided on. It was pretty expensive, but we splurged on just this one thing. 18 just looked so happy when she saw herself in the mirror in that dress. The money felt like a small price for that.
I briefly entertained the thought of a big, spectacular ceremony. I like big parties. But we didn't have a lot of money, we didn't know that many people to invite, and I knew that 18 would probably be uncomfortable with the whole thing, so I planned for something small, sweet, and outdoors. And I have to say, it ended up being just as memorable as a big wedding would have been, and without the hassle. This is an important truth: you can have something meaningful and lovely without spending a lot of money or inviting a lot of people. I recommend it.
Still, I invited basically everyone I knew, with some important exceptions (you have to ask yourself, would inviting Vegeta really be a good idea?) . I didn't expect all of them to come, and almost none of them did. Here is a total list of our guests: Muten Roshi, Oolong, Yamucha, Son Gohan, 17.
Yamucha carried the regrets of a lot of people who couldn't make it. I'll be fair: it sounded like most of the absenteeism was due to actual business rather than anything against 18 or I. Yamucha was really upset, though. It's not fair, he said - this was my big day, and everyone had let me down. He would have stern talks, he assured me, with at least Bulma and Pu'ar.
I was kind of disappointed, but I told him not to worry about it. I didn't feel sad - I was too busy feeling really excited and full of joy and love. 18 was so beautiful, and I mean that in every possible sense of the word, and I felt so close to her, and to be joined to her, to actually be able to call her family, was just-- wow. I loved the world that day, and my heart was absolutely free of bad feeling. If Frieza had been there, I might have given him a hug.
18 had invited her brother, who looked kind of amused about the whole thing but respected it and stood back and watched. He put some of the others a bit on edge, but no one actually objected to his presence, so there were no problems.
The wedding ceremony was performed by my old sensei from the Orinji Temple. I was very pleased to be able to get him to do it, because I still felt a close connection to him even though I'd only seen him once in so many years. It was a nice little wedding, dignified without being too solemn.
I have to admit I didn't notice much of what was being said, though I tried my hardest. That seemed to pass as a dream would go by, half-recognized. I was looking at 18. I've said already how beautiful she was, so let me try a different tack - she looked so darn cute as a bride. I just couldn't wait to be married to her. I barely suppressed a ridiculously huge, giddy smile. She looked down at me warmly and gave me a little smile back.
Then, we were married. Oddly, what I remember of that moment is wishing I were taller. 18 and I are usually sitting when we kiss.
We went immediately to meet the guests. 18 held my hand. I was so amazed and moved by that. Everyone was really supportive, of course.
"How about that," said Oolong, "you guys actually tied the knot! Congratulations... I think it's a good match. It'll last a long time."
"It'll last forever," said Gohan. "Somehow, I feel confident that it will."
I smiled. "Forever is a long time."
"Oh, I think I'll keep him around," said 18, and leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. "He's too cute to drop."
Man, did I blush. Bright, bright red. 18's affection was surprising and wonderful. "You too," I squeaked.
Yamucha laughed. "I swear, you guys are the cutest couple ever."
"It's a good day," said Muten Roshi. "Reminds me of my own wedding... an amazing woman, she was, strong and beautiful and full of spunk."
Everything stopped.
"No way," said Yamucha. "No WAY."
"Master," I said, astonished, "I never..."
"Heh heh! I've been around a very long time. I do still have some secrets."
"But what was she like? When was this?"
"Later, later. What's important right now is... a wild honeymoon night! You two got your hotel reservation yet? Yowza!" (Much nudging and winking followed. Cue groans, indignant protests and/or fallouts.)
Then, we talked to 17. I didn't know what to expect. I'd only met him once before, when 18 kissed me. He spoke to me first.
"So this is the human that my sister's losing her mind over. It's strange... you're a bit of a runt."
"You're rude," said 18. "He has a name."
17 laughed. "She's really into you," he said to me. "I don't think you know how lucky you are."
"Oh, I do," I said. "18's amazing. I can't believe I was lucky enough to meet someone who..."
"No," he said, "I mean because it's just so ridiculously unlikely. She was dead set against anything like this. The first time she spoke to me after going to meet you, she was trying to think of the cruellest way to blow you off."
18 was mortified. "Damn it, 17!"
"Ahh, it's okay," I said. "Things've worked out."
"You know, I've never seen 18 this happy," he said. "I don't really understand it, but I hope it stays good for both of you."
"Thanks," I said.
"What about you?" said 18. "You getting along okay?"
"Oh, all systems function well," he said blankly.
"Arrgh! I'm serious!"
"Ha ha ha! That one always did get you."
"I'm just saying... The life I've got here is pretty good. You could have it too, if you wanted. We could... uh... help you."
17 looked up for a moment, then shook his head. "You know me so little."
"Wh... what?"
"We've become so distant. Do you think I haven't found something already that satisfies me? Do you think I spend my entire life in that forest?"
18 was genuinely shocked. She couldn't say anything.
"Our lives are seperate, sister. We can visit each other's worlds for a while, but that's all. I fish, if you must know. For one thing, of several. Professionally."
"..."
"Thank you for inviting me to your wedding, though. I'm glad I was here."
"You're welcome. Um... I'm sorry for thinking I had you figured out."
"You don't need to apologize."
There was a short pause, then he took to the air.
"Hey, Kuririn!"
"Huh?"
"Hold on to her. Do whatever it takes. You'll regret it if you don't."
"Yeah, thanks."
After a short wave, he left. We were quiet.
"Hey, 18. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm okay."
I smiled at her. "Hey! We're husband and wife now!"
"We don't have the certificate yet," she said.
We got legally married shortly afterward. It says "Kuririn and Eighteen Chestnut" on it, which is pretty funny, since none of those names are real. Eighteen is just the number Gero happened to be up to, Chestnut is just something I came up with when I got my driver's license, and even Kuririn is only one of the nicknames I had as a kid. It stuck because it was the only one that wasn't in some way derogatory.
A long time ago, I asked 18 if she wanted to change her name. Without pausing, she said, "No."
"But why?" I said. "I mean, haven't you had a lot of trouble with people over whether that's really your name? Wouldn't it be easier to..."
"It's my name, Kuririn," she said. "Or at least the closest thing to a name that I have. You don't just throw something like that out because it isn't convenient."
I never brought it up again. She's still Number 18.
After 18 and I were wed, we decided to use the opportunity to spend a whole day together doing different sorts of things. Since we can both fly quite quickly, we could afford to be pretty flexible.
We hiked, early in the morning, about 10 miles along a mountain trail. The weather was great. We talked about what a change in scenery it was from living in a house on a tiny island. We talked about getting a house ourselves, but nothing came of it. We seemed content enough at the Kame House and besides had pretty much full access to Yamucha's place, so it didn't seem necessary to move.
We toured the famous art museum of Central Capital. There were things of amazing beauty there, and there were many works that I didn't seem to get. In some cases, 18 said that there wasn't much to get and that it was pretentious crap, and in other cases she said I was probably right. Me, I might as well flip a coin.
We had lunch at some anonymous diner. I had some terrific pot roast. I don't remember what 18 had. I remember having a conversation about pet names.
"So," she said, "are you having a good time so far?"
"Oh, yeah. How about you?"
"Yeah. It's been pretty interesting."
"So, do you have any idea what you want to do next?"
"Whatever you decide is fine with me, baby."
Her voice was kind of hesitant at the last part. I stared at her.
"What?"
"Oh my god... 18, did you just call me baby?"
"...Yeah, so?"
I couldn't help it - I started laughing. "Oh man! That is just too weird."
"What? We're married now, can't we... Stop laughing!"
She pinched me in the neck to make me cut it out.
"Oww."
"I'm serious, why don't we ever do that?"
"I dunno... I guess we're just not that kind of couple."
"Well, maybe we need to change."
"Okay, you're probably right. I'm sorry, I should have been more respectful of your feelings... my darling."
Her nose scrunched up. "I'm not your daughter."
"Honey?"
"Tch... sounds fake."
"My love?"
"Oh please, spare me the sonnet every time you speak to me."
"Um... sweetie, darlin', cutie... honeybunch..." My voice became pseudo-deep and passionate. "Babydoll, sugarbob... homeslice..."
18 slapped her hand over her eyes and we degenerated into self-mocking laughter.
"On second thought, we probably aren't ready for that."
"Um, yeah."
We are soooo sensitive it's not even funny. Even today, we're rarely comfortable calling each other anything but our names except in great privacy.
After lunch, we were in a goofy mood; we passed by a tattoo parlor and jokingly dared each other back and forth to get more and more preposterous things drawn on our bodies, but walked away undefaced.
We visited a popular natural reserve, and one man was nice enough to take a picture of us with his instant camera. In the picture, we're both smiling. A bit reservedly, but I think that makes it look less fake than many snapshots. It's a nice picture.
We swam in the ocean, near a coral reef. The water was much warmer than I'd expected. The life of the sea was everywhere, unconcerned by you and taking you in, wrapping around you. A thousand colors and finned shapes darted through colonies of living sculpture. The diversity of life made the lushest of forests look desolate by comparison.
We spent much of the evening on the beach. In the evenings it's nice to just lay on the beach and not say much. The cool, wet air, the sound of the rolling surf, and the endless sky of stars are so soothing that you can just lay there and enjoy it.
We hadn't been sure we wanted to do the hotel thing, but we wanted privacy and sleeping outdoors, especially after spending so much of the day outdoors, was not a terribly appealing prospect, so we went ahead and found a place to stay. As we were registering, I was very happy, still caught up in the excitement and euphoria of the day and of the wedding. I happily announced to the clerk that we were newlyweds, and he smiled at us, no strange looks or barely-held back comments. Probably he was just being polite, but I had this warm feeling that something about the nature of our happiness overrode how odd a match we might outwardly appear to be.
Upon getting into the room and sitting down, everything started to sink in. I was married now; what did that mean? We'd already been living together, of course, so there wasn't much of a lifestyle change coming. Still, it did feel a little different to be commited in an official way to staying together for the rest of our lives. That evening, I felt a bit of pressure to start it off right.
Incidentally, there wasn't any pressure to "consummate the marriage" (which is a load of nonsense anyway) because - full disclosure time - it was hardly as if we'd never had sex. In fact, our first time was about seven months before that. Should I feel guilty about this? I don't. It never felt wrong. Neither of us wanted to rush into it, and by the time we started doing it, we felt very close, comfortable, and intimately familiar with each other. It was a little awkward at first, but once we got over the nervousness it felt natural and passionate and wonderful. For what it's worth, I am glad I waited for someone who I felt very close to. Otherwise, afterward it just would have felt like I'd lost something, like I'd given some part of myself away to a stranger. As it was, though, I had no regrets at all.
You've probably noticed that until this point I've said absolutely nothing about my sex life. There are a number of considerations that have led me to exclude it; one of these is the fact that I don't think anybody really wants to read about that. The most important reason, however, is that I just don't feel comfortable talking about it here. When 18 and I are making love, I feel like I'm exposing a very private and fragile part of myself, a part that is freer and more passionate but that is usually suppressed by inhibition. Things that feel right when I'm with 18 would just be embarrassing put here on the page in black text on a white background, coldly exposed to the judging eyes of the reader. Therefore, I've declined to talk about sex here. I think you'll agree that that's my prerogative.
Let me take this opportunity, by the way, to address one of the weirdest questions 18 and I have ever been asked: How we even knew it was possible for us to have sex. Come on, people, it was EVIDENT. This stuff isn't rocket science. Sheesh.
Anyway, as I was sitting nervously on the bed and waiting for 18 to get ready, I was struck by the full weight of marriage. 18 had chosen me over everyone else in the world to share her life with. This was an amazing thing to me. I suppose it was what I'd vaguely wanted to happen from the beginning, but back then it felt like a fruitless wish. A pipe dream.
It felt wonderful, as if something in my life had finally been granted to me. However, just then I felt a pang of guilt. It was something that had been bothering me for a long time: the root of our relationship. I took 18 in when she had no place to go. I was constantly in her life, showing her the world and teaching her how to function in it. From this relationship our romance grew, and I wondered whether it was right for a benefactor to become a lover. Maybe this was why she'd ended up with me... simply because I was around. I wondered whether she could have done better. I felt like I was holding her back somehow, with my slow-wittedness and ugliness.
And when she stepped out into the moonlight in her nightie, she looked so elegant to me that I looked up at her face in wonder and said, "Oh, 18, you're so beautiful... you're so beautiful that it kills me."
She tried to look at my eyes after I said that, but she had to look away. It looked like embarrassment, but I could see that she actually felt ashamed.
"Thank you," she said.
Suddenly I got cold feet. I could scarcely believe that she was sitting next to me, much less married to me. I had no idea what to say to her.
"Do you want to go ahead and turn the light off now? Or would you rather read or something?"
"Nah, you can turn it off." I didn't feel like sleeping, though.
"Well, good night, then."
"Hey, 18?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm glad that we got married."
There was a pause.
"So am I. I think we'll have a nice life together."
"Why did you decide to marry me, 18?"
"It seemed like a good thing to do. We were probably going to stay together anyway."
"...Yeah." The room was quiet and seemed much larger than it actually was. My eyes were wide open and my hands were folded across my stomach. These are the details that I remember. My nervousness made me observant.
"18?"
"Yes?"
"Why do you like me?"
She sat up. There was enough light coming in through the window to see the bright, pale profile of her face. She closed her eyes and sighed lightly.
"Kuririn," she said, "we've been together for more than three years. I've told you many times that I love you. I've tried in every way I know how to let you know how I feel about you. I'm not as good at expressing emotion as you are, Kuririn. You can smile this great big stupid smile that spreads throughout the room and infects everyone with a touch of its pure happiness. Your eyes change with the slightest shift in your mood and I can tell a thousand things about how you're feeling just by looking into them. I can't do that, but I do what I can, and after all of this time, I can't possibly imagine how you would still need an answer to that question."
"I know," I said, and she was right, I was being utterly foolish. Yet, something chewed at me from the inside of my soul. I looked straight at her. "...But I do."
18 rested her head for a moment, and then moved toward me. I sat up to meet her, and she kissed me, slowly and softly.
"You are the most loving person in my life," she said.
18, though you may not believe it, I did know such vivid expression in your eyes that night. If you can tell a thousand things from my expression, I could tell an infinity of things, a continuum of all thoughts and feelings full and heavy and true, and you did not have to say anything else.
We made love that night, and I mean that. It was more than just sex, or at least it meant more to me. It was about the feeling of her body against mine, the warmth of the bed, the comfort and pleasure and love of the moment.
Afterward, we just lay there breathing. I felt calm and fulfilled.
Sometimes, I think, you don't have to say anything. Sometimes, words are a poor imitation of feelings.
---
part II
Life, of course, would not stop to revere our wedding. The markers placed upon things by people don't signify real change, just like you can cross over a line between two provinces and see the same trees on either side. Life went on.
Things were good. I was at my healthiest then and would get up nearly with the sunrise, bathe, train for a couple of hours, fix breakfast, and relax and read a book for a while. Then I'd go to town (I flew) for groceries, the morning paper, etc. Sometimes 18 would come with me. After bringing everything home, I'd usually have lunch with 18 on the beach. We talked about mundane stuff, nothing too exciting. In the evenings I wrote. I was writing pretty consistently then, which made me happy. I wrote short stories and quite a few poems, although the poems were never published.
18 divided her time between a few interesting pursuits. She took an interest in the workings of machines and learned about various appliances by reading and by taking them apart and reassembling them. This was mostly a hobby for 18, but it's had some farther-reaching effects since then. She also began drawing in pencil; the biggest thing to come out of this was a 24-page manga she wrote called Assembly Line, a dark-toned rumination on existence by a newly-created android, though that was later, after Marron was born.
18 and I sparred some afternoons, and the others I would train alone. I was still getting stronger, though I never approached 18. Unfortunately, something prideful in me made that my ultimate goal at the time. 18 shrugged it off and said I could train for whatever reason I wanted. Apparently, what I wanted was to be a bullheaded idiot.
After Muten Roshi-sama's revelation about his past wife, he suddenly had endless stories to tell. Every day he would tell new stories, about training under Mutaito and pioneering martial arts techniques that would form the foundation of everything the super-powered warriors use in battle today, about living in isolation for many years on Kame Island before anyone came, about falling in love with his wife in chaotic times and under harsh circumstances, about training his best past pupils. He gave us memories of the early industrialization of the cities, of the first Tenka'ichi Budokai, of the union of the world's final few major factions under one government... seriously, the man could write a book much better than this one and five times as thick.
Most of the things I've mentioned extend before the wedding and beyond the major events I'm about to describe, but this little period of equilibrium seemed like a good place to talk about general stuff. It was a good life, tranquil but captivating. Of course, things have to change eventually.
So we got pregnant. It wasn't planned; they so rarely are. 18 and I just weren't as careful as we should have been with birth control. I know it's stupid, but it was a pretty distant concern for us, as we were in pretty severe doubt that we were capable of having children.
Now, going by my description of her physiology last chapter, you might wonder what about it would cause a reproductive problem, but I have to admit that when I said "pretty much intact", I meant "not exactly replaced, but..."
Remember, Gero's concern was creating fighting machines. He didn't have the time or inclination to be delicate. He put his robotic parts in whereever they'd maximize performance, without much care to how well remaining non-essential natural body parts would hold up. Being totally unconcerned with the reproductive system, Gero didn't bother to remove, replace, or even really work around it. So as you can guess, things didn't end up looking great for 18's future as a mother.
Anyway, we didn't plan on it, but it happened. You might expect me to say that I've no regrets - it sounds like something I might say - but that would be a lie. While I of course have no regrets about Marron, who has consistently amazed me since the day she was born, that pregnancy was a really tough time for us, and I regret going into it unprepared. Heck, I wish 18 and I had even talked about it beforehand; that would have helped a lot.
The first sign was 18's morning sickness. You know, they call it morning sickness, but it was also midday sickness, afternoon sickness, and so on - poor 18 was nauseous a LOT. You have no idea how alarming that was. 18 was NEVER sick. She had never had the slightest health problem as long as I knew her, and now here she was throwing up every day!
"Geez, 18, I mean... Geez! Are you okay?"
"Euuh... I'll be all right."
"Geez, you look terrible! I'm going to call a doctor."
"No. No, I'm fine, really. I'm not dying or anything."
No doctors - 18 was firm on that. She didn't want me to know it, but the idea of being examined by a doctor terrified her. I saw it immediately in her eyes: a trace of her scar, deep red aching old injury. She hid it quickly.
"Look," she said, "what good would a doctor do? Do you think any doctor could understand what was going on with my body? You know how different I am from humans."
I looked at her sadly. That was not the real reason for her objection. Still, she had a point, and I held off for a little while on contacting anybody. Soon I couldn't stand it anymore, though, and I called Bulma, the only person I could think of who might know anything at all.
"Oh, hey Kuririn," said Bulma. "What's up?"
"Uh, I think I've got a problem, Bulma."
"Huh?"
I anxiously described the problem.
"Hmm... I'm not an MD, Kuririn, but... You said mainly in the mornings, right?"
"Yeah."
"Any other problems?"
After thinking for a bit, I told her about some cramps 18 had mentioned.
"Well, I guess it could be a lot of things, and like I said, I'm not a doctor, but... Sounds like she's pregnant."
"...Pregnant?"
"Yeah! Go to the drugstore and get one of the tests, they're pretty accurate. Let me know how it turns out, OK? I mean, since she's a cyborg that'd be a big deal."
I went numb, as if I'd never heard of pregnancy before. I didn't know what to think. I told 18.
"Oh my god," she said, "that would explain why I haven't been..."
"Why you haven't been... 18! Why didn't you say anything?"
"Oh, like I give you a daily report!"
"Well... crap."
It was a short, silent trip to the store. I didn't feel much of anything; my reaction was on hold until the news was confirmed or denied.
"I'm pregnant," she said to me. "It was positive. I'm pregnant."
I fell back in my chair. "Wow..."
18 was flattened. "How the hell did I get pregnant?"
"Oh man," I said, stalling. It was still sinking in for me - we were going to have a child. I was going to be a father! I had no experience with parenting. I'd never even been part of a real family. Raising a child seemed to be the greatest unknown possible, a completely new set of experiences. The thought of it thrilled me. "18... We're going to be parents. I can't believe it!"
"I guess we're going to have to make a lot of changes around here. I dunno, 18, do you think we should get a new place? Hey, we need to pick names too. Wow, we actually get to pick a name! This is so cool!"
"Slow down, Kuririn," 18 said.
"Yeah, you're right, I'm getting ahead of myself, sorry. I'm just so excited! First things first... I need to tell everybody the news!"
I ran into Roshi-sama's room. An unusually explicit exercise program was on the TV; when he saw me Roshi grabbed the remote and nervously flipped some channels.
"Ah! How you doin', my boy? Not doing much here... just flipping through the channels..."
"Master Roshi, 18 and I are having a baby!"
He turned off the television. "Wha... Is that so? Congratulations! I knew you two were going far..."
18 came into the room, lifted me by the shirt, and pulled me away.
"Do you have to tell everyone so soon?"
"Um. Why shouldn't I?"
She put me down and massaged her temples. "I don't know. Just slow down and let me think."
I sat down, but I couldn't slow down; it was all buzzing around my brain, moving at such great speed as to cloud out other thoughts and cut off oxygen, making me giddy and eclipsing reason. "Aren't you excited?" I said. "I mean, this is... I think this is the most exciting moment of my life!"
"Kuririn, I'm a cyborg. Do you even realize what this means?"
That made me stop a little. "Oh... Yeah, I guess it is pretty amazing, isn't it? We're lucky."
"That isn't what I mean. This could be very bad for us, Kuririn. We've got no clue how my body will handle this. It could be deadly for the baby, or..."
"Well... We'll make it through somehow. Don't give up before we've even started."
She looked afraid and sad. Her eyes wouldn't quite open all the way. "What if... What if they have to cut me open again? I don't..." She couldn't finish her sentence.
I really should have talked to 18 right then about her fears. At the time, I dismissed them as mere nervousness; another look would have shown how messed up she was inside. But I was too far ahead of her. I was long gone. In my mind, our baby already had a name, a life, and a future all its own, and me and 18 were mom and dad. It seemed almost predestined. Worry was the farthest thing from my mind.
"Oh, 18," I said, "Don't worry so much. Our baby will be fine. I've just got this feeling."
She looked at me like someone she'd never met before. "You have a feeling?"
Her stare stripped me down and made me feel uncomfortable. Muten Roshi came into the room and I looked to him instead of replying, grateful to escape. He started to ask questions about 18's pregnancy and what we were going to do about it. 18 cooled off and spoke calmly, no longer showing any emotion. I did notice that she wouldn't look at me.
Roshi-sama seemed a bit worried that we'd move out. I had to admit that the Kame House didn't look like the best place to raise a child. I didn't want our kid to be as cut off from people as we were. Isolation isn't really healthy for a person who's just forming their first perspective on the world. Come to think of it, I wonder how healthy it is for anyone. I wonder if I cut myself off from something vital by choosing to live on an island. Anyway, I told him that we'd see later on whether we wanted to move.
I called Bulma and confirmed the news; she told me that I had to know this was a big deal and that I could be sure any medical oversight we needed would be provided for us, which seemed awfully generous so I thanked her. Then it was on to Gohan. He congratulated me and praised me and generally made me feel really good.
"So, do you know anything about the baby yet?" He asked me.
"No, no, we just found out."
"Do you think it's going to be a boy or a girl?"
I shrugged and blushed, as if he could see me. "I dunno, man... Either would be great, though I think... I'd kind of like a girl."
Gohan laughed. "Well, that's the least of the surprises you'll have. It's really different having a young kid around, Kuririn, but I think you'll like it... It keeps you busy, anyway."
"Hey, how is Goten lately?"
He made an exasperated noise. "He's into everything. He's so hyper he wears even me out, and that isn't easy..."
I talked to Gohan with a smile on my face until I noticed 18 looking at me evenly from across the room. When she noticed me looking back, she ducked away.
After I got off the phone I spoke to her. "Hey, 18," I said, "Bulma said that if we came over there she'd arrange for a free medical examination."
She nodded slightly.
"Um... how do you feel about that?"
"Sounds generous."
I waited for her to say something else, but she didn't -- so I asked her if she was okay.
"Don't worry about me," she said. "I'd hate to disturb the most exciting moment of your life."
Her tone bothered me, but the conversation obviously wasn't going anywhere, so I left her alone. Besides, it didn't bother me that much. At that point, I was still caught up in the rush of the news.
I had to let Yamucha know next; he was so enthusiastic for me that I forgot anything that was troubling my mind. I was just really happy as we yelled and whooped and laughed. He told me that I would be a great Dad. I told him that he'd be like an uncle. He said that he wanted us to come over as often as possible, and I said that sounded great. He really was happy for me. I was thrilled about the future.
It wasn't until dinner that I really started feeling troubled about the way 18 was acting. She was the central subject of conversation, but she scarcely participated in it. When I asked her if she was feeling all right she merely nodded, and when I said some silly gregarious thing about eating for two she didn't respond at all.
"So," I said, "I dunno if I really want to move out. I'm kind of attached to this place. Maybe we could spend part of the time here and part of the time somewhere on the mainland."
"That's probably a good idea," said Oolong. "You'll want to minimize the kid's exposure to this old perv."
"Hmf! You're one to talk," said Roshi. "I know how to act around children. As a matter of fact, I'm already preparing to sell my magazine collection."
I laughed and shook my head. "You'd do that for me? Maybe we should stay here. Hey, 18 -- do you think we could raise a kid here?"
She shrugged. "I don't see what the problem would be."
The conversation ran cyclically like that, but that's the most 18 ever said. Her silence, and especially her deliberate avoidance of eye contact, was beginning to bug me. I made a couple of feeble attempts to talk to 18 that evening, but it wasn't until the next morning that we actually said anything.
She spent most of the morning in the bathroom and the rest of it in bed. She was sitting there when I went in to talk to her.
"Hey, 18."
"Hello, Kuririn."
I didn't sit next to her. I stood across from her instead.
"What's wrong, 18?"
"I don't know. A lot of things."
"Aren't you excited about our baby?"
"No. I'm really not excited."
"Well, why not?" I was getting frustrated: I really couldn't grasp it, and 18 wasn't giving me any hints with her arms dropped lamely in her lap and her face blank. "I mean... come on, it's the next chapter of our life! This is the next big thing for us. We're going to have another person in our life, and it'll be up to us to see them through to adulthood... doesn't that stir anything in you? How can you not be excited about that?"
"Kuririn. It isn't that simple!"
"What?"
Now she broke her stonewall. "I don't get it, Kuririn. How can you just dive into your "daddy" role without bothering to worry about or even consider our problems? It's like you don't even see any of it."
"Any of what? You've lost me."
"Like I said, we don't know how my body is going to handle being pregnant. That baby might be doomed already. For all we know, it could even kill me."
"That doesn't-"
"Shut up, I already know how you feel about that. Getting to the point, how are you sure we're ready to be parents? I still feel a step removed from humans. I can't even relate to them, and you expect me to be a mother to one? The concept is so strange and alien it makes my stomach churn."
I sat down. Her words hurt me a lot.
"I just can't handle it, Kuririn. I'm not ready for this."
"Well, you know what? Ready or not, it's here. You have to handle it. So what are you going to do?"
"Why didn't you ask me that before now? You just assumed I was gung-ho to give birth to and raise your baby without asking! You never even talked to me about this, Kuririn!"
"Well, you should have told me that you were feeling this way instead of giving me the silent treatment yesterday."
"As if you even gave me an opening. You weren't prepared to listen."
I fidgeted over that one. She was right.
"Well, yeah," I said, "I guess I did assume you would be in this with me. We are supposed to be partners."
"We aren't supposed to be anything. I love you, but I never agreed to follow you through anything."
"Actually, 18, you did. It's what people do for each other, 18. Do you understand?"
"You're lecturing me again. Do you think you're better than me?"
I snapped. "I think you're being selfish!"
She didn't say anything, just stared.
"I mean, 18, sometimes I feel like I'm giving and giving for you and you... well, you don't do anything but take."
Blood rushed to my head. Was I really saying this? I could see the life I'd built with 18 coming apart with alarming speed, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it because I couldn't change how I felt. You never can, even if you know it'd be for the best.
"Tch," she said. "Kuririn, the martyr."
"Well, how am I supposed to feel? 18, I would do anything for you, and you show me affection so rarely that I can scarcely believe it's happening when you do. You starve me, 18. I'm dying inside."
She didn't lash back in anger, but looked really hurt. "I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you," she said. "I give you all the affection I have. You knew who you married."
You can't take it back, and you can't swallow the pain. It just hangs there like a huge, dead thing.
"This is bigger than the baby, isn't it?" said 18. "Maybe we shouldn't be bringing a child up in a family like this. Maybe it would be better if we didn't keep it."
I jumped up. "18! How can you even suggest... nggh... THAT?" I couldn't make myself say the word. I hated myself for thinking about it.
She raised an eyebrow. "I was talking about adoption. Did you think I meant an abortion?"
My head reeled. "I, I..."
"Well, why the hell not? It's my right."
It's hard to say how angry that made me. To destroy a life before it even begins is a horrible tragedy to me. "How... how dare you?"
She stood up. "Don't be asking me how I dare anything, husband. Remember whom you're talking to."
"That's low, 18. I don't know how I can face you after you threatened the life of my child."
"I've no serious intention of doing anything of the sort," she said. "What I find intolerable is your attitude. You think you have say over what I do?"
"It's my child you're talking about."
"Your child. Are you the one who gets to have her body converted into a gestation device? You can't possibly know how afraid and disgusted I am of what's going to happen to me. It's like being held prisoner by your own body. And you would tell ME what I can't do?"
I looked away. "Oh. I see."
"I don't expect you to get it," she said. "What's it like being you, Kuririn? It must be easy living when half of life's most difficult matters fly straight over your head."
"You SHREW!" I said.
18 stopped her assault and looked genuinely stunned.
"I can't believe you!" I shouted. "You're a monster, and you say that I don't understand? I don't want anything to do with you anymore!"
I bolted. I ran from the room, through the house, and into the door, which made me fall over, somewhat deterring my fit of an exit. I threw the door open and threw myself into the sky, starting to fly and igniting my ki flare in mid-air. I flew so hard that before I even opened my eyes I realize I had to turn around or I'd leave the atmosphere.
I was a creature of pure anger. Angry at 18 - how could she talk to me like that? whom had I married? Angry at myself - I'd ruined my life with the things I'd just said, hadn't I? I took it out on the desert. Instinctively, I flew there, to the place where we'd fought the Saiyans. I landed not far from where I held back the will of a planet's worth of vengance to not kill the Saiyan Prince Vegeta.
I screamed and threw a bolt of ki at the nearest cliff in sight. I didn't charge it, really. Just threw for all I was worth.
The ensuing disaster showed up on the scales very far from that dead place. I killed a mountain. I myself was in danger of being injured by the rockslides and flying debris. After I got clear, I looked at my hand in disbelief.
I really am insanely powerful. There's more power in my small, breakable body than anyone deserves. I realized then that what they say is true - I really could destroy the Earth. I could do it before any of my friends could stop me. After we worked so hard so many times to defend billions of people who didn't even know what was going on, all it would take would be a whim from me to undo it all. Let me tell you, that is one scary realization.
For a long time, I stared in awe at the destruction I'd caused. No place is truly dead, you know, on this Earth. In lashing out in anger I ended the existence of plant and animal life that has as much claim - arguably more - to it as me. I'd put such an ugly mark on my karma I felt I could never redeem myself. I dropped to my knees and prayed for hours.
I guess I must have looked pretty desperate when I showed up at Yamucha's, because when he answered he didn't even say hello, just "Holy shit, what happened to you?"
I told him I needed to sit and collapsed in the first chair he showed me.
---
"I wouldn't worry too much about the mountain," he said. "We've already blown that place halfway to Hell and back."
"I was just so angry... Oh man, Yamucha, what am I going to do?"
"I don't know. I don't know, buddy."
"I can't face 18 again after what she said... and what I said..."
"You're going to have to. Running away won't help."
"But I told you what she said!"
"Yeah, she said some horrible things, Kuririn, but so did you. Hey, I know 18. She's not a bad person. Don't expect me to take sides against her."
He was right, of course. I just felt so screwed up. Everything had been going so well. How could it have gone bad so quickly?
Yamucha treated me pretty good. He let me take a nap on the bed in one of his guest rooms, he made me dinner, and he sympathized with me, but then he told me I had to go.
"You have to work it out," he told me. "It's just gonna make things worse for everybody if I get in the middle of it." He half-smiled. "Good luck. Man, I hope it works out for you. You deserve it."
I didn't bother to ponder the accuracy of that sendoff as I flew slowly to the Kame House. I just thought about the upcoming confrontation and wasn't sure I could handle it. All my will was gone, I didn't have any left. I wondered if 18 would even still be there when I arrived.
I knocked on the door. That was the only time in my life I ever knocked on that door. Oolong answered.
"Kuririn," he said. "Come on in."
And right there in the living room was 18, and Roshi-sama was with her. He rose to meet me and put his hands on my shoulders. He wasn't wearing his sunglasses. I was shocked - I always am - by the clarity and intensity of his uncovered eyes.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked me earnestly.
I swallowed. "I think so, Master Roshi. Thank you."
He then let me be so I could talk to 18. My silence was not fair to her, but it wasn't intentional: I couldn't find any words.
"Kuririn," she said, "you came back." She looked fairly composed except that her lip was shaking. "I've been talking to Roshi and Oolong for a long time. I got really angry at you, but it was just... um... Look. I felt so scared and alone and you seemed so happy... I wanted you to understand how I felt, so I hurt you."
What could I say to that? I nodded.
"I know it's terrible. I wasn't thinking straight. Anyway, I decided I was going to do my best to have this child and to raise it with you. I'll do the best I can, but you just have to promise that you'll help me."
"Okay," I said after a considerable pause. "Okay, 18, I think that's what we should do."
"Good. Now... will you... come to me?"
I was, I should point out, still standing at the other side of the room. I bit my lip and closed my eyes, holding back tears. "I don't know if I can."
"Kuririn... Kuririn, I'm sorry. Please."
Finally, I walked toward her. I accepted her embrace, coldly at first, but then I pressed hard into it and sobbed.
"Sorry, 'm sorry," I mumbled. "I love you, 18."
"I love you," she said back, and kissed me on the head.
We held each other and shared love and pain. It was bittersweet because we had said things that can't be taken back, no matter how badly you want to; nasty things that sting and make you unable to look at someone without hesitating, but so help you, you meant. But we needed each other, and we held on to one another no matter how much it hurt, because love is a powerful adhesive, and stronger than pain - if only just.
--END OF CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO--
It was fun being engaged. It didn't last that long, but it was fun. Hey, world, we're in love. You've got to recognize that now.
I remember announcing it to everybody during a dinner at the Son house. They applauded. I was really happy and proud, and I was kind of worried that 18 would be embarrassed, but she smiled and put her hand on my shoulder. She was happy, too. I don't think I could have been truly happy if she hadn't been - if I hadn't been sure this was for us, rather than just me.
We didn't spend a lot of time on wedding planning and preparations. 18 told me that the ceremony wasn't that important to her, so I could do what I wanted. Her one stipulation was that she wanted to wear a nice white dress.
To that end, we did spend a considerable amount of time looking at wedding dresses. From what I've heard of wedding planning, that's the only part of the "real wedding planning experience" that we actually went through. It didn't feel that hectic, though. I got to see 18 in lots of beautiful dresses, which is a good day in my book. I wasn't much help in the selection, as I thought she looked absolutely stunning in pretty much everything. She would sigh and tell me to put my eyes back into their sockets and take an honest look. I did love the one she decided on. It was pretty expensive, but we splurged on just this one thing. 18 just looked so happy when she saw herself in the mirror in that dress. The money felt like a small price for that.
I briefly entertained the thought of a big, spectacular ceremony. I like big parties. But we didn't have a lot of money, we didn't know that many people to invite, and I knew that 18 would probably be uncomfortable with the whole thing, so I planned for something small, sweet, and outdoors. And I have to say, it ended up being just as memorable as a big wedding would have been, and without the hassle. This is an important truth: you can have something meaningful and lovely without spending a lot of money or inviting a lot of people. I recommend it.
Still, I invited basically everyone I knew, with some important exceptions (you have to ask yourself, would inviting Vegeta really be a good idea?) . I didn't expect all of them to come, and almost none of them did. Here is a total list of our guests: Muten Roshi, Oolong, Yamucha, Son Gohan, 17.
Yamucha carried the regrets of a lot of people who couldn't make it. I'll be fair: it sounded like most of the absenteeism was due to actual business rather than anything against 18 or I. Yamucha was really upset, though. It's not fair, he said - this was my big day, and everyone had let me down. He would have stern talks, he assured me, with at least Bulma and Pu'ar.
I was kind of disappointed, but I told him not to worry about it. I didn't feel sad - I was too busy feeling really excited and full of joy and love. 18 was so beautiful, and I mean that in every possible sense of the word, and I felt so close to her, and to be joined to her, to actually be able to call her family, was just-- wow. I loved the world that day, and my heart was absolutely free of bad feeling. If Frieza had been there, I might have given him a hug.
18 had invited her brother, who looked kind of amused about the whole thing but respected it and stood back and watched. He put some of the others a bit on edge, but no one actually objected to his presence, so there were no problems.
The wedding ceremony was performed by my old sensei from the Orinji Temple. I was very pleased to be able to get him to do it, because I still felt a close connection to him even though I'd only seen him once in so many years. It was a nice little wedding, dignified without being too solemn.
I have to admit I didn't notice much of what was being said, though I tried my hardest. That seemed to pass as a dream would go by, half-recognized. I was looking at 18. I've said already how beautiful she was, so let me try a different tack - she looked so darn cute as a bride. I just couldn't wait to be married to her. I barely suppressed a ridiculously huge, giddy smile. She looked down at me warmly and gave me a little smile back.
Then, we were married. Oddly, what I remember of that moment is wishing I were taller. 18 and I are usually sitting when we kiss.
We went immediately to meet the guests. 18 held my hand. I was so amazed and moved by that. Everyone was really supportive, of course.
"How about that," said Oolong, "you guys actually tied the knot! Congratulations... I think it's a good match. It'll last a long time."
"It'll last forever," said Gohan. "Somehow, I feel confident that it will."
I smiled. "Forever is a long time."
"Oh, I think I'll keep him around," said 18, and leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. "He's too cute to drop."
Man, did I blush. Bright, bright red. 18's affection was surprising and wonderful. "You too," I squeaked.
Yamucha laughed. "I swear, you guys are the cutest couple ever."
"It's a good day," said Muten Roshi. "Reminds me of my own wedding... an amazing woman, she was, strong and beautiful and full of spunk."
Everything stopped.
"No way," said Yamucha. "No WAY."
"Master," I said, astonished, "I never..."
"Heh heh! I've been around a very long time. I do still have some secrets."
"But what was she like? When was this?"
"Later, later. What's important right now is... a wild honeymoon night! You two got your hotel reservation yet? Yowza!" (Much nudging and winking followed. Cue groans, indignant protests and/or fallouts.)
Then, we talked to 17. I didn't know what to expect. I'd only met him once before, when 18 kissed me. He spoke to me first.
"So this is the human that my sister's losing her mind over. It's strange... you're a bit of a runt."
"You're rude," said 18. "He has a name."
17 laughed. "She's really into you," he said to me. "I don't think you know how lucky you are."
"Oh, I do," I said. "18's amazing. I can't believe I was lucky enough to meet someone who..."
"No," he said, "I mean because it's just so ridiculously unlikely. She was dead set against anything like this. The first time she spoke to me after going to meet you, she was trying to think of the cruellest way to blow you off."
18 was mortified. "Damn it, 17!"
"Ahh, it's okay," I said. "Things've worked out."
"You know, I've never seen 18 this happy," he said. "I don't really understand it, but I hope it stays good for both of you."
"Thanks," I said.
"What about you?" said 18. "You getting along okay?"
"Oh, all systems function well," he said blankly.
"Arrgh! I'm serious!"
"Ha ha ha! That one always did get you."
"I'm just saying... The life I've got here is pretty good. You could have it too, if you wanted. We could... uh... help you."
17 looked up for a moment, then shook his head. "You know me so little."
"Wh... what?"
"We've become so distant. Do you think I haven't found something already that satisfies me? Do you think I spend my entire life in that forest?"
18 was genuinely shocked. She couldn't say anything.
"Our lives are seperate, sister. We can visit each other's worlds for a while, but that's all. I fish, if you must know. For one thing, of several. Professionally."
"..."
"Thank you for inviting me to your wedding, though. I'm glad I was here."
"You're welcome. Um... I'm sorry for thinking I had you figured out."
"You don't need to apologize."
There was a short pause, then he took to the air.
"Hey, Kuririn!"
"Huh?"
"Hold on to her. Do whatever it takes. You'll regret it if you don't."
"Yeah, thanks."
After a short wave, he left. We were quiet.
"Hey, 18. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm okay."
I smiled at her. "Hey! We're husband and wife now!"
"We don't have the certificate yet," she said.
We got legally married shortly afterward. It says "Kuririn and Eighteen Chestnut" on it, which is pretty funny, since none of those names are real. Eighteen is just the number Gero happened to be up to, Chestnut is just something I came up with when I got my driver's license, and even Kuririn is only one of the nicknames I had as a kid. It stuck because it was the only one that wasn't in some way derogatory.
A long time ago, I asked 18 if she wanted to change her name. Without pausing, she said, "No."
"But why?" I said. "I mean, haven't you had a lot of trouble with people over whether that's really your name? Wouldn't it be easier to..."
"It's my name, Kuririn," she said. "Or at least the closest thing to a name that I have. You don't just throw something like that out because it isn't convenient."
I never brought it up again. She's still Number 18.
After 18 and I were wed, we decided to use the opportunity to spend a whole day together doing different sorts of things. Since we can both fly quite quickly, we could afford to be pretty flexible.
We hiked, early in the morning, about 10 miles along a mountain trail. The weather was great. We talked about what a change in scenery it was from living in a house on a tiny island. We talked about getting a house ourselves, but nothing came of it. We seemed content enough at the Kame House and besides had pretty much full access to Yamucha's place, so it didn't seem necessary to move.
We toured the famous art museum of Central Capital. There were things of amazing beauty there, and there were many works that I didn't seem to get. In some cases, 18 said that there wasn't much to get and that it was pretentious crap, and in other cases she said I was probably right. Me, I might as well flip a coin.
We had lunch at some anonymous diner. I had some terrific pot roast. I don't remember what 18 had. I remember having a conversation about pet names.
"So," she said, "are you having a good time so far?"
"Oh, yeah. How about you?"
"Yeah. It's been pretty interesting."
"So, do you have any idea what you want to do next?"
"Whatever you decide is fine with me, baby."
Her voice was kind of hesitant at the last part. I stared at her.
"What?"
"Oh my god... 18, did you just call me baby?"
"...Yeah, so?"
I couldn't help it - I started laughing. "Oh man! That is just too weird."
"What? We're married now, can't we... Stop laughing!"
She pinched me in the neck to make me cut it out.
"Oww."
"I'm serious, why don't we ever do that?"
"I dunno... I guess we're just not that kind of couple."
"Well, maybe we need to change."
"Okay, you're probably right. I'm sorry, I should have been more respectful of your feelings... my darling."
Her nose scrunched up. "I'm not your daughter."
"Honey?"
"Tch... sounds fake."
"My love?"
"Oh please, spare me the sonnet every time you speak to me."
"Um... sweetie, darlin', cutie... honeybunch..." My voice became pseudo-deep and passionate. "Babydoll, sugarbob... homeslice..."
18 slapped her hand over her eyes and we degenerated into self-mocking laughter.
"On second thought, we probably aren't ready for that."
"Um, yeah."
We are soooo sensitive it's not even funny. Even today, we're rarely comfortable calling each other anything but our names except in great privacy.
After lunch, we were in a goofy mood; we passed by a tattoo parlor and jokingly dared each other back and forth to get more and more preposterous things drawn on our bodies, but walked away undefaced.
We visited a popular natural reserve, and one man was nice enough to take a picture of us with his instant camera. In the picture, we're both smiling. A bit reservedly, but I think that makes it look less fake than many snapshots. It's a nice picture.
We swam in the ocean, near a coral reef. The water was much warmer than I'd expected. The life of the sea was everywhere, unconcerned by you and taking you in, wrapping around you. A thousand colors and finned shapes darted through colonies of living sculpture. The diversity of life made the lushest of forests look desolate by comparison.
We spent much of the evening on the beach. In the evenings it's nice to just lay on the beach and not say much. The cool, wet air, the sound of the rolling surf, and the endless sky of stars are so soothing that you can just lay there and enjoy it.
We hadn't been sure we wanted to do the hotel thing, but we wanted privacy and sleeping outdoors, especially after spending so much of the day outdoors, was not a terribly appealing prospect, so we went ahead and found a place to stay. As we were registering, I was very happy, still caught up in the excitement and euphoria of the day and of the wedding. I happily announced to the clerk that we were newlyweds, and he smiled at us, no strange looks or barely-held back comments. Probably he was just being polite, but I had this warm feeling that something about the nature of our happiness overrode how odd a match we might outwardly appear to be.
Upon getting into the room and sitting down, everything started to sink in. I was married now; what did that mean? We'd already been living together, of course, so there wasn't much of a lifestyle change coming. Still, it did feel a little different to be commited in an official way to staying together for the rest of our lives. That evening, I felt a bit of pressure to start it off right.
Incidentally, there wasn't any pressure to "consummate the marriage" (which is a load of nonsense anyway) because - full disclosure time - it was hardly as if we'd never had sex. In fact, our first time was about seven months before that. Should I feel guilty about this? I don't. It never felt wrong. Neither of us wanted to rush into it, and by the time we started doing it, we felt very close, comfortable, and intimately familiar with each other. It was a little awkward at first, but once we got over the nervousness it felt natural and passionate and wonderful. For what it's worth, I am glad I waited for someone who I felt very close to. Otherwise, afterward it just would have felt like I'd lost something, like I'd given some part of myself away to a stranger. As it was, though, I had no regrets at all.
You've probably noticed that until this point I've said absolutely nothing about my sex life. There are a number of considerations that have led me to exclude it; one of these is the fact that I don't think anybody really wants to read about that. The most important reason, however, is that I just don't feel comfortable talking about it here. When 18 and I are making love, I feel like I'm exposing a very private and fragile part of myself, a part that is freer and more passionate but that is usually suppressed by inhibition. Things that feel right when I'm with 18 would just be embarrassing put here on the page in black text on a white background, coldly exposed to the judging eyes of the reader. Therefore, I've declined to talk about sex here. I think you'll agree that that's my prerogative.
Let me take this opportunity, by the way, to address one of the weirdest questions 18 and I have ever been asked: How we even knew it was possible for us to have sex. Come on, people, it was EVIDENT. This stuff isn't rocket science. Sheesh.
Anyway, as I was sitting nervously on the bed and waiting for 18 to get ready, I was struck by the full weight of marriage. 18 had chosen me over everyone else in the world to share her life with. This was an amazing thing to me. I suppose it was what I'd vaguely wanted to happen from the beginning, but back then it felt like a fruitless wish. A pipe dream.
It felt wonderful, as if something in my life had finally been granted to me. However, just then I felt a pang of guilt. It was something that had been bothering me for a long time: the root of our relationship. I took 18 in when she had no place to go. I was constantly in her life, showing her the world and teaching her how to function in it. From this relationship our romance grew, and I wondered whether it was right for a benefactor to become a lover. Maybe this was why she'd ended up with me... simply because I was around. I wondered whether she could have done better. I felt like I was holding her back somehow, with my slow-wittedness and ugliness.
And when she stepped out into the moonlight in her nightie, she looked so elegant to me that I looked up at her face in wonder and said, "Oh, 18, you're so beautiful... you're so beautiful that it kills me."
She tried to look at my eyes after I said that, but she had to look away. It looked like embarrassment, but I could see that she actually felt ashamed.
"Thank you," she said.
Suddenly I got cold feet. I could scarcely believe that she was sitting next to me, much less married to me. I had no idea what to say to her.
"Do you want to go ahead and turn the light off now? Or would you rather read or something?"
"Nah, you can turn it off." I didn't feel like sleeping, though.
"Well, good night, then."
"Hey, 18?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm glad that we got married."
There was a pause.
"So am I. I think we'll have a nice life together."
"Why did you decide to marry me, 18?"
"It seemed like a good thing to do. We were probably going to stay together anyway."
"...Yeah." The room was quiet and seemed much larger than it actually was. My eyes were wide open and my hands were folded across my stomach. These are the details that I remember. My nervousness made me observant.
"18?"
"Yes?"
"Why do you like me?"
She sat up. There was enough light coming in through the window to see the bright, pale profile of her face. She closed her eyes and sighed lightly.
"Kuririn," she said, "we've been together for more than three years. I've told you many times that I love you. I've tried in every way I know how to let you know how I feel about you. I'm not as good at expressing emotion as you are, Kuririn. You can smile this great big stupid smile that spreads throughout the room and infects everyone with a touch of its pure happiness. Your eyes change with the slightest shift in your mood and I can tell a thousand things about how you're feeling just by looking into them. I can't do that, but I do what I can, and after all of this time, I can't possibly imagine how you would still need an answer to that question."
"I know," I said, and she was right, I was being utterly foolish. Yet, something chewed at me from the inside of my soul. I looked straight at her. "...But I do."
18 rested her head for a moment, and then moved toward me. I sat up to meet her, and she kissed me, slowly and softly.
"You are the most loving person in my life," she said.
18, though you may not believe it, I did know such vivid expression in your eyes that night. If you can tell a thousand things from my expression, I could tell an infinity of things, a continuum of all thoughts and feelings full and heavy and true, and you did not have to say anything else.
We made love that night, and I mean that. It was more than just sex, or at least it meant more to me. It was about the feeling of her body against mine, the warmth of the bed, the comfort and pleasure and love of the moment.
Afterward, we just lay there breathing. I felt calm and fulfilled.
Sometimes, I think, you don't have to say anything. Sometimes, words are a poor imitation of feelings.
---
part II
Life, of course, would not stop to revere our wedding. The markers placed upon things by people don't signify real change, just like you can cross over a line between two provinces and see the same trees on either side. Life went on.
Things were good. I was at my healthiest then and would get up nearly with the sunrise, bathe, train for a couple of hours, fix breakfast, and relax and read a book for a while. Then I'd go to town (I flew) for groceries, the morning paper, etc. Sometimes 18 would come with me. After bringing everything home, I'd usually have lunch with 18 on the beach. We talked about mundane stuff, nothing too exciting. In the evenings I wrote. I was writing pretty consistently then, which made me happy. I wrote short stories and quite a few poems, although the poems were never published.
18 divided her time between a few interesting pursuits. She took an interest in the workings of machines and learned about various appliances by reading and by taking them apart and reassembling them. This was mostly a hobby for 18, but it's had some farther-reaching effects since then. She also began drawing in pencil; the biggest thing to come out of this was a 24-page manga she wrote called Assembly Line, a dark-toned rumination on existence by a newly-created android, though that was later, after Marron was born.
18 and I sparred some afternoons, and the others I would train alone. I was still getting stronger, though I never approached 18. Unfortunately, something prideful in me made that my ultimate goal at the time. 18 shrugged it off and said I could train for whatever reason I wanted. Apparently, what I wanted was to be a bullheaded idiot.
After Muten Roshi-sama's revelation about his past wife, he suddenly had endless stories to tell. Every day he would tell new stories, about training under Mutaito and pioneering martial arts techniques that would form the foundation of everything the super-powered warriors use in battle today, about living in isolation for many years on Kame Island before anyone came, about falling in love with his wife in chaotic times and under harsh circumstances, about training his best past pupils. He gave us memories of the early industrialization of the cities, of the first Tenka'ichi Budokai, of the union of the world's final few major factions under one government... seriously, the man could write a book much better than this one and five times as thick.
Most of the things I've mentioned extend before the wedding and beyond the major events I'm about to describe, but this little period of equilibrium seemed like a good place to talk about general stuff. It was a good life, tranquil but captivating. Of course, things have to change eventually.
So we got pregnant. It wasn't planned; they so rarely are. 18 and I just weren't as careful as we should have been with birth control. I know it's stupid, but it was a pretty distant concern for us, as we were in pretty severe doubt that we were capable of having children.
Now, going by my description of her physiology last chapter, you might wonder what about it would cause a reproductive problem, but I have to admit that when I said "pretty much intact", I meant "not exactly replaced, but..."
Remember, Gero's concern was creating fighting machines. He didn't have the time or inclination to be delicate. He put his robotic parts in whereever they'd maximize performance, without much care to how well remaining non-essential natural body parts would hold up. Being totally unconcerned with the reproductive system, Gero didn't bother to remove, replace, or even really work around it. So as you can guess, things didn't end up looking great for 18's future as a mother.
Anyway, we didn't plan on it, but it happened. You might expect me to say that I've no regrets - it sounds like something I might say - but that would be a lie. While I of course have no regrets about Marron, who has consistently amazed me since the day she was born, that pregnancy was a really tough time for us, and I regret going into it unprepared. Heck, I wish 18 and I had even talked about it beforehand; that would have helped a lot.
The first sign was 18's morning sickness. You know, they call it morning sickness, but it was also midday sickness, afternoon sickness, and so on - poor 18 was nauseous a LOT. You have no idea how alarming that was. 18 was NEVER sick. She had never had the slightest health problem as long as I knew her, and now here she was throwing up every day!
"Geez, 18, I mean... Geez! Are you okay?"
"Euuh... I'll be all right."
"Geez, you look terrible! I'm going to call a doctor."
"No. No, I'm fine, really. I'm not dying or anything."
No doctors - 18 was firm on that. She didn't want me to know it, but the idea of being examined by a doctor terrified her. I saw it immediately in her eyes: a trace of her scar, deep red aching old injury. She hid it quickly.
"Look," she said, "what good would a doctor do? Do you think any doctor could understand what was going on with my body? You know how different I am from humans."
I looked at her sadly. That was not the real reason for her objection. Still, she had a point, and I held off for a little while on contacting anybody. Soon I couldn't stand it anymore, though, and I called Bulma, the only person I could think of who might know anything at all.
"Oh, hey Kuririn," said Bulma. "What's up?"
"Uh, I think I've got a problem, Bulma."
"Huh?"
I anxiously described the problem.
"Hmm... I'm not an MD, Kuririn, but... You said mainly in the mornings, right?"
"Yeah."
"Any other problems?"
After thinking for a bit, I told her about some cramps 18 had mentioned.
"Well, I guess it could be a lot of things, and like I said, I'm not a doctor, but... Sounds like she's pregnant."
"...Pregnant?"
"Yeah! Go to the drugstore and get one of the tests, they're pretty accurate. Let me know how it turns out, OK? I mean, since she's a cyborg that'd be a big deal."
I went numb, as if I'd never heard of pregnancy before. I didn't know what to think. I told 18.
"Oh my god," she said, "that would explain why I haven't been..."
"Why you haven't been... 18! Why didn't you say anything?"
"Oh, like I give you a daily report!"
"Well... crap."
It was a short, silent trip to the store. I didn't feel much of anything; my reaction was on hold until the news was confirmed or denied.
"I'm pregnant," she said to me. "It was positive. I'm pregnant."
I fell back in my chair. "Wow..."
18 was flattened. "How the hell did I get pregnant?"
"Oh man," I said, stalling. It was still sinking in for me - we were going to have a child. I was going to be a father! I had no experience with parenting. I'd never even been part of a real family. Raising a child seemed to be the greatest unknown possible, a completely new set of experiences. The thought of it thrilled me. "18... We're going to be parents. I can't believe it!"
"I guess we're going to have to make a lot of changes around here. I dunno, 18, do you think we should get a new place? Hey, we need to pick names too. Wow, we actually get to pick a name! This is so cool!"
"Slow down, Kuririn," 18 said.
"Yeah, you're right, I'm getting ahead of myself, sorry. I'm just so excited! First things first... I need to tell everybody the news!"
I ran into Roshi-sama's room. An unusually explicit exercise program was on the TV; when he saw me Roshi grabbed the remote and nervously flipped some channels.
"Ah! How you doin', my boy? Not doing much here... just flipping through the channels..."
"Master Roshi, 18 and I are having a baby!"
He turned off the television. "Wha... Is that so? Congratulations! I knew you two were going far..."
18 came into the room, lifted me by the shirt, and pulled me away.
"Do you have to tell everyone so soon?"
"Um. Why shouldn't I?"
She put me down and massaged her temples. "I don't know. Just slow down and let me think."
I sat down, but I couldn't slow down; it was all buzzing around my brain, moving at such great speed as to cloud out other thoughts and cut off oxygen, making me giddy and eclipsing reason. "Aren't you excited?" I said. "I mean, this is... I think this is the most exciting moment of my life!"
"Kuririn, I'm a cyborg. Do you even realize what this means?"
That made me stop a little. "Oh... Yeah, I guess it is pretty amazing, isn't it? We're lucky."
"That isn't what I mean. This could be very bad for us, Kuririn. We've got no clue how my body will handle this. It could be deadly for the baby, or..."
"Well... We'll make it through somehow. Don't give up before we've even started."
She looked afraid and sad. Her eyes wouldn't quite open all the way. "What if... What if they have to cut me open again? I don't..." She couldn't finish her sentence.
I really should have talked to 18 right then about her fears. At the time, I dismissed them as mere nervousness; another look would have shown how messed up she was inside. But I was too far ahead of her. I was long gone. In my mind, our baby already had a name, a life, and a future all its own, and me and 18 were mom and dad. It seemed almost predestined. Worry was the farthest thing from my mind.
"Oh, 18," I said, "Don't worry so much. Our baby will be fine. I've just got this feeling."
She looked at me like someone she'd never met before. "You have a feeling?"
Her stare stripped me down and made me feel uncomfortable. Muten Roshi came into the room and I looked to him instead of replying, grateful to escape. He started to ask questions about 18's pregnancy and what we were going to do about it. 18 cooled off and spoke calmly, no longer showing any emotion. I did notice that she wouldn't look at me.
Roshi-sama seemed a bit worried that we'd move out. I had to admit that the Kame House didn't look like the best place to raise a child. I didn't want our kid to be as cut off from people as we were. Isolation isn't really healthy for a person who's just forming their first perspective on the world. Come to think of it, I wonder how healthy it is for anyone. I wonder if I cut myself off from something vital by choosing to live on an island. Anyway, I told him that we'd see later on whether we wanted to move.
I called Bulma and confirmed the news; she told me that I had to know this was a big deal and that I could be sure any medical oversight we needed would be provided for us, which seemed awfully generous so I thanked her. Then it was on to Gohan. He congratulated me and praised me and generally made me feel really good.
"So, do you know anything about the baby yet?" He asked me.
"No, no, we just found out."
"Do you think it's going to be a boy or a girl?"
I shrugged and blushed, as if he could see me. "I dunno, man... Either would be great, though I think... I'd kind of like a girl."
Gohan laughed. "Well, that's the least of the surprises you'll have. It's really different having a young kid around, Kuririn, but I think you'll like it... It keeps you busy, anyway."
"Hey, how is Goten lately?"
He made an exasperated noise. "He's into everything. He's so hyper he wears even me out, and that isn't easy..."
I talked to Gohan with a smile on my face until I noticed 18 looking at me evenly from across the room. When she noticed me looking back, she ducked away.
After I got off the phone I spoke to her. "Hey, 18," I said, "Bulma said that if we came over there she'd arrange for a free medical examination."
She nodded slightly.
"Um... how do you feel about that?"
"Sounds generous."
I waited for her to say something else, but she didn't -- so I asked her if she was okay.
"Don't worry about me," she said. "I'd hate to disturb the most exciting moment of your life."
Her tone bothered me, but the conversation obviously wasn't going anywhere, so I left her alone. Besides, it didn't bother me that much. At that point, I was still caught up in the rush of the news.
I had to let Yamucha know next; he was so enthusiastic for me that I forgot anything that was troubling my mind. I was just really happy as we yelled and whooped and laughed. He told me that I would be a great Dad. I told him that he'd be like an uncle. He said that he wanted us to come over as often as possible, and I said that sounded great. He really was happy for me. I was thrilled about the future.
It wasn't until dinner that I really started feeling troubled about the way 18 was acting. She was the central subject of conversation, but she scarcely participated in it. When I asked her if she was feeling all right she merely nodded, and when I said some silly gregarious thing about eating for two she didn't respond at all.
"So," I said, "I dunno if I really want to move out. I'm kind of attached to this place. Maybe we could spend part of the time here and part of the time somewhere on the mainland."
"That's probably a good idea," said Oolong. "You'll want to minimize the kid's exposure to this old perv."
"Hmf! You're one to talk," said Roshi. "I know how to act around children. As a matter of fact, I'm already preparing to sell my magazine collection."
I laughed and shook my head. "You'd do that for me? Maybe we should stay here. Hey, 18 -- do you think we could raise a kid here?"
She shrugged. "I don't see what the problem would be."
The conversation ran cyclically like that, but that's the most 18 ever said. Her silence, and especially her deliberate avoidance of eye contact, was beginning to bug me. I made a couple of feeble attempts to talk to 18 that evening, but it wasn't until the next morning that we actually said anything.
She spent most of the morning in the bathroom and the rest of it in bed. She was sitting there when I went in to talk to her.
"Hey, 18."
"Hello, Kuririn."
I didn't sit next to her. I stood across from her instead.
"What's wrong, 18?"
"I don't know. A lot of things."
"Aren't you excited about our baby?"
"No. I'm really not excited."
"Well, why not?" I was getting frustrated: I really couldn't grasp it, and 18 wasn't giving me any hints with her arms dropped lamely in her lap and her face blank. "I mean... come on, it's the next chapter of our life! This is the next big thing for us. We're going to have another person in our life, and it'll be up to us to see them through to adulthood... doesn't that stir anything in you? How can you not be excited about that?"
"Kuririn. It isn't that simple!"
"What?"
Now she broke her stonewall. "I don't get it, Kuririn. How can you just dive into your "daddy" role without bothering to worry about or even consider our problems? It's like you don't even see any of it."
"Any of what? You've lost me."
"Like I said, we don't know how my body is going to handle being pregnant. That baby might be doomed already. For all we know, it could even kill me."
"That doesn't-"
"Shut up, I already know how you feel about that. Getting to the point, how are you sure we're ready to be parents? I still feel a step removed from humans. I can't even relate to them, and you expect me to be a mother to one? The concept is so strange and alien it makes my stomach churn."
I sat down. Her words hurt me a lot.
"I just can't handle it, Kuririn. I'm not ready for this."
"Well, you know what? Ready or not, it's here. You have to handle it. So what are you going to do?"
"Why didn't you ask me that before now? You just assumed I was gung-ho to give birth to and raise your baby without asking! You never even talked to me about this, Kuririn!"
"Well, you should have told me that you were feeling this way instead of giving me the silent treatment yesterday."
"As if you even gave me an opening. You weren't prepared to listen."
I fidgeted over that one. She was right.
"Well, yeah," I said, "I guess I did assume you would be in this with me. We are supposed to be partners."
"We aren't supposed to be anything. I love you, but I never agreed to follow you through anything."
"Actually, 18, you did. It's what people do for each other, 18. Do you understand?"
"You're lecturing me again. Do you think you're better than me?"
I snapped. "I think you're being selfish!"
She didn't say anything, just stared.
"I mean, 18, sometimes I feel like I'm giving and giving for you and you... well, you don't do anything but take."
Blood rushed to my head. Was I really saying this? I could see the life I'd built with 18 coming apart with alarming speed, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it because I couldn't change how I felt. You never can, even if you know it'd be for the best.
"Tch," she said. "Kuririn, the martyr."
"Well, how am I supposed to feel? 18, I would do anything for you, and you show me affection so rarely that I can scarcely believe it's happening when you do. You starve me, 18. I'm dying inside."
She didn't lash back in anger, but looked really hurt. "I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you," she said. "I give you all the affection I have. You knew who you married."
You can't take it back, and you can't swallow the pain. It just hangs there like a huge, dead thing.
"This is bigger than the baby, isn't it?" said 18. "Maybe we shouldn't be bringing a child up in a family like this. Maybe it would be better if we didn't keep it."
I jumped up. "18! How can you even suggest... nggh... THAT?" I couldn't make myself say the word. I hated myself for thinking about it.
She raised an eyebrow. "I was talking about adoption. Did you think I meant an abortion?"
My head reeled. "I, I..."
"Well, why the hell not? It's my right."
It's hard to say how angry that made me. To destroy a life before it even begins is a horrible tragedy to me. "How... how dare you?"
She stood up. "Don't be asking me how I dare anything, husband. Remember whom you're talking to."
"That's low, 18. I don't know how I can face you after you threatened the life of my child."
"I've no serious intention of doing anything of the sort," she said. "What I find intolerable is your attitude. You think you have say over what I do?"
"It's my child you're talking about."
"Your child. Are you the one who gets to have her body converted into a gestation device? You can't possibly know how afraid and disgusted I am of what's going to happen to me. It's like being held prisoner by your own body. And you would tell ME what I can't do?"
I looked away. "Oh. I see."
"I don't expect you to get it," she said. "What's it like being you, Kuririn? It must be easy living when half of life's most difficult matters fly straight over your head."
"You SHREW!" I said.
18 stopped her assault and looked genuinely stunned.
"I can't believe you!" I shouted. "You're a monster, and you say that I don't understand? I don't want anything to do with you anymore!"
I bolted. I ran from the room, through the house, and into the door, which made me fall over, somewhat deterring my fit of an exit. I threw the door open and threw myself into the sky, starting to fly and igniting my ki flare in mid-air. I flew so hard that before I even opened my eyes I realize I had to turn around or I'd leave the atmosphere.
I was a creature of pure anger. Angry at 18 - how could she talk to me like that? whom had I married? Angry at myself - I'd ruined my life with the things I'd just said, hadn't I? I took it out on the desert. Instinctively, I flew there, to the place where we'd fought the Saiyans. I landed not far from where I held back the will of a planet's worth of vengance to not kill the Saiyan Prince Vegeta.
I screamed and threw a bolt of ki at the nearest cliff in sight. I didn't charge it, really. Just threw for all I was worth.
The ensuing disaster showed up on the scales very far from that dead place. I killed a mountain. I myself was in danger of being injured by the rockslides and flying debris. After I got clear, I looked at my hand in disbelief.
I really am insanely powerful. There's more power in my small, breakable body than anyone deserves. I realized then that what they say is true - I really could destroy the Earth. I could do it before any of my friends could stop me. After we worked so hard so many times to defend billions of people who didn't even know what was going on, all it would take would be a whim from me to undo it all. Let me tell you, that is one scary realization.
For a long time, I stared in awe at the destruction I'd caused. No place is truly dead, you know, on this Earth. In lashing out in anger I ended the existence of plant and animal life that has as much claim - arguably more - to it as me. I'd put such an ugly mark on my karma I felt I could never redeem myself. I dropped to my knees and prayed for hours.
I guess I must have looked pretty desperate when I showed up at Yamucha's, because when he answered he didn't even say hello, just "Holy shit, what happened to you?"
I told him I needed to sit and collapsed in the first chair he showed me.
---
"I wouldn't worry too much about the mountain," he said. "We've already blown that place halfway to Hell and back."
"I was just so angry... Oh man, Yamucha, what am I going to do?"
"I don't know. I don't know, buddy."
"I can't face 18 again after what she said... and what I said..."
"You're going to have to. Running away won't help."
"But I told you what she said!"
"Yeah, she said some horrible things, Kuririn, but so did you. Hey, I know 18. She's not a bad person. Don't expect me to take sides against her."
He was right, of course. I just felt so screwed up. Everything had been going so well. How could it have gone bad so quickly?
Yamucha treated me pretty good. He let me take a nap on the bed in one of his guest rooms, he made me dinner, and he sympathized with me, but then he told me I had to go.
"You have to work it out," he told me. "It's just gonna make things worse for everybody if I get in the middle of it." He half-smiled. "Good luck. Man, I hope it works out for you. You deserve it."
I didn't bother to ponder the accuracy of that sendoff as I flew slowly to the Kame House. I just thought about the upcoming confrontation and wasn't sure I could handle it. All my will was gone, I didn't have any left. I wondered if 18 would even still be there when I arrived.
I knocked on the door. That was the only time in my life I ever knocked on that door. Oolong answered.
"Kuririn," he said. "Come on in."
And right there in the living room was 18, and Roshi-sama was with her. He rose to meet me and put his hands on my shoulders. He wasn't wearing his sunglasses. I was shocked - I always am - by the clarity and intensity of his uncovered eyes.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked me earnestly.
I swallowed. "I think so, Master Roshi. Thank you."
He then let me be so I could talk to 18. My silence was not fair to her, but it wasn't intentional: I couldn't find any words.
"Kuririn," she said, "you came back." She looked fairly composed except that her lip was shaking. "I've been talking to Roshi and Oolong for a long time. I got really angry at you, but it was just... um... Look. I felt so scared and alone and you seemed so happy... I wanted you to understand how I felt, so I hurt you."
What could I say to that? I nodded.
"I know it's terrible. I wasn't thinking straight. Anyway, I decided I was going to do my best to have this child and to raise it with you. I'll do the best I can, but you just have to promise that you'll help me."
"Okay," I said after a considerable pause. "Okay, 18, I think that's what we should do."
"Good. Now... will you... come to me?"
I was, I should point out, still standing at the other side of the room. I bit my lip and closed my eyes, holding back tears. "I don't know if I can."
"Kuririn... Kuririn, I'm sorry. Please."
Finally, I walked toward her. I accepted her embrace, coldly at first, but then I pressed hard into it and sobbed.
"Sorry, 'm sorry," I mumbled. "I love you, 18."
"I love you," she said back, and kissed me on the head.
We held each other and shared love and pain. It was bittersweet because we had said things that can't be taken back, no matter how badly you want to; nasty things that sting and make you unable to look at someone without hesitating, but so help you, you meant. But we needed each other, and we held on to one another no matter how much it hurt, because love is a powerful adhesive, and stronger than pain - if only just.
--END OF CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO--