This chapter will be split between Bosco and Faith using the same song lyrics. I hope it won't be too confusing to follow.
"The Reason" is copyrighted to Hoobastank. I'm just borrowing the lyrics for this chapter. I promise to put them back where I found them.
The low rumble of traffic moving along from one red light to another was lost on Bosco. He was slouched behind the wheel of his car, windows rolled up, doing his best to shut out the world. Contact with people was the last thing he wanted tonight. After finally escaping the hospital waiting room and all the cops crammed into it, he wanted nothing more than to be alone. Faith had long since left with Fred by the time Bosco pried himself away from the presence of grim-faced officers and sobbing family members. He hoped that no one would make a big deal out of his death, when he went. That sort of show of unity and mourning wasn't what he wanted. Too much attention.
He wished that he had been able to check on Faith one more time before she had gone home, but Fred had not left her side since arriving. It was only right that they should be left to themselves. Who was he to interfere with their marriage, anyway? They had enough troubles without him. That's all he brought to people. Trouble. He was glad that she at least had someone to turn to. Someone who was there for her, no matter what. Maybe someday, he would find someone like that for himself. Someday. Just not tonight.
Bosco paused before pushing open the door to his apartment, resting his forehead on the cool metal of the number plates in the centre of the panelling. What he desperately wanted was someone to talk to, but there was no one. He wouldn't allow himself that luxury, because the only one he felt close enough to was Faith, and she was having a far worse time than he was right then. His mind flashed back to the sidewalk, that scene from hell. She was looking up at him, her bloodied hands resting limply on Malloy's body, pure agony streaming down her face in the form of tears. She needed Fred tonight.
Over in the corner, the battered stereo system waited for him to pick up the remote and turn on something that would take his mind away to a place that didn't hurt quite so much. What was there on the radio that could possibly do that? He sighed, collapsing onto the couch. There had to be something. Maybe he would get lucky and some rock station would be playing Springsteen.
"What the hell is this crap?" Bosco scowled at the stereo, as if to blame it for the low chords of a piano vibrating from the speakers. "This ain't rock." His finger moved to the 'seek' button on the remote but he stopped himself when the music was joined with lyrics. He'd give it a couple seconds. Maybe it would be good.
She curled her fingers around the warm mug of tea and breathed deep of the aroma before taking a cautious sip of the steaming liquid. Fred finished pouring himself a mug and crossed the floor to take a seat on the couch next to her. His presence was comforting. Faith scooted across the cushion to be closer to him. She needed to be touched and held, to be reassured that there was a reason for all the madness that seemed to be taking over the outside world. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and rested his chin on the crown of her head. This was it, this was what she needed. Simple comfort.
"I'm glad you're okay."
"Me too." Faith closed her eyes and willed her muscles to relax. Nothing could hurt her in her own home. Then why didn't she feel at ease? There was a knot between her shoulder blades that stubbornly refused to stop throbbing. Fred's hand squeezed her upper arm gently and she knew he sensed the tension in her body. It wouldn't go away.
"Something bothering you?"
Yeah, the fact that a good man and officer was killed today. Shot dead on the sidewalk for no reason. "Everything."
Fred set down his mug of tea. "Get onto the floor."
"What for?"
A slight grin lightened his face for a moment. "Just do it."
Faith slid off the couch without a word and Fred covered her shoulders with his hands. She felt a wave of gratitude for the pressure he began to apply on the hardened lump of muscle between her shoulder blades and at the base of her neck. That feels good.
"Did you know him?"
"Malloy? In passing. He usually worked the day shift." She replied, bowing her head forward. The knotted muscle was beginning to loosen under his fingertips. It really did feel wonderful.
"What was he doing on the street then?"
"He just got cleared for duty after being in a car accident a few days ago." Where was this heading? Why did he want to know?
"How's the family doing?"
"As well as can be expected." Faith closed her eyes again. Another woman becomes a widow, another kid loses a parent. Yeah, they're doing fine. She had seen Malloy's wife coming in as she and Fred were leaving. Every officer standing around removed their hats when they saw her. Poor woman didn't know before arriving what had happened, but seeing all the officers with their caps in their hands told her the whole story. Faith could see the realisation take hold in the other woman's face. They had locked eyes as they passed each other. Mrs Malloy slowed down to look closely at the stains on Faith's jacket, shirt, and hands. She wondered what the poor woman thought of the mess of an officer walking past her, leaving a place where half the precinct was gathered.
"You were there, weren't you?"
"Yes ma'am."
Mrs Malloy swallowed hard and clearly summoned her courage for her next question. "Did he say anything?"
Faith had seen her own pain mirrored in the other woman's eyes. She had promised him. "He said he loves you all."
The choked sob that escaped from Malloy's widow was more than Faith needed to hear. Fresh tears trickled down her cheeks as Mrs Malloy broke down. Lieutenant Swersky was quick to come to her side and lead her away, casting a sympathetic glance over his shoulder at Faith as he moved away.
"You think we might have some music?"
She felt embarrassed to have drifted away from the living room. "Please. Anything to get my mind off today."
Fred kissed the top of her head as he got up to walk over to the stereo next to the television. Please let there be something worthwhile playing. Faith thought, taking another drink from her mug of tea.
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know…
What the hell was this stuff? Some whiny-voiced little boy trying to sing? Bosco heaved himself to his feet to see if there was anything in the fridge. Over in the corner, the song played on.
"This sounds like something Emily would listen to."
"Mm. I think it's one of her CDs."
Fred resumed his place on the couch. "It's okay if you want to talk about work."
"I know." Faith said, but she knew that it wasn't.
…I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you…
With a hiss and pop, the cap came off the bottle of beer. His last one. It figured that he would run out when he needed those long-necks the most. As long as it helped to numb the pain rampaging through him. Bosco dropped back onto the couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table. What would his mother think of him, were she to see him like this? What would his partner think? He took a sip from the bottle. What did it matter? She was at her own place, with her family, doing whatever she did to deal.
The tea was getting cold when she picked up the mug again. Fred had emptied his own mug and taken it back to the sink. He was stroking her hair, probably wondering what he could do for her that he hadn't already done. She was ashamed to admit that there was precious little he could do. It was up to her to get herself back together, and he couldn't help with that. If she needed support, the first place she'd turn would be to him. And if not him, then to Bosco. The very thought felt wrong, but it was the truth. She wondered how he was holding up, whether he was letting anyone take some of the burden of pain away from him. Probably not.
…I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear…
This is what he did to heal. Bosco held up the bottle and watched a bead of condensation roll down the dark glass. That is, of course, if he had enough beer left to make it worthwhile. He tipped the bottle up again, his ears tuning into the song at last. What was this guy trying to say, anyway?
She knew that Fred wished he could take away all the pain and shield her from the nightmares that plagued her sleep too often. He wished so much that he could do something to get her to change her mind and her profession, but she had been on the street too long to give it up. It had taken a hold of her and refused to let go. And look what it was doing to her and her family.
No. She kept The Job separate from her family. It did not touch them. It didn't.
…I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you…
The reason? There was no reason. Things happened that were so terrible, there couldn't be a reason. Things like Malloy's death. Where was the reason for that? What purpose did that serve, except to shatter the lives of those who knew him? Bosco closed his eyes to block out the sight of Malloy's ghost-white face, his wild brown eyes, as the dying man begged Faith to stay with him, to not let him die alone. No! Go away! I don't need to see that again! Without thinking about it, he downed half the bottle in a single long swallow. It wasn't enough. It was never enough.
They were her reason for being, for surviving. Fred, Emily, and Charlie. Nothing would ever change that. Not even her best friend came as close to her heart as did her family. And how could she prove that to those who needed to know it the most? Faith looked up at Fred. He tried so hard for all of them. They both did.
"I wish you would let me in," he said.
…And the reason is you…
Her expression, as he stood over her, reflected how she felt. God, how he wished he had been the one there, kneeling at Malloy's side, instead of her. It didn't matter to him if he was affected by stuff that happened at work. He knew how to handle it. But it was something else entirely when it was his partner and friend on the receiving end. If only he had been two steps ahead of her, two seconds faster, she might have been spared the experience of watching a man die.
She remained silent, at a loss for what to say. The truth was, she wished she could. But there was no way for him to really understand her feelings, even though she tried to express them. That was where Bosco came in, and she knew that the mere mention of her partner's name would bring a swift end to the peace that had fallen over the apartment. How could she tell Fred that what she wanted most from him was his understanding that there were some things that she could only tell Bosco?
…And the reason is you…
Bosco came to his feet and paced restlessly around the apartment. How in the world could a mere song make him feel so guilty? Dammit all, it was his job to be out there, watching her back. He had done that. She was safely at home with her husband. So why in the hell did he feel so bad? There was nothing left for him to do, at least not tonight. Why did he care so much, anyway? It wasn't like he had known Malloy outside of his name and face. And yet he felt as though something important to him had been lost. What the hell?
Fred stood up, weariness clouding his features. There was nothing in his power he could do or say to ease the storm in her heart, and they both knew it.
"It's late."
A glance at the clock showed him to be right. Faith sighed. "Yeah."
He bent down to kiss her forehead. "You'll be okay?"
"Yeah." She watched him walk toward the bedroom, reluctant surrender slowing his step. He hated to give up. "Fred."
He turned back in the doorway.
"I love you."
His expression lightened. "I love you too."
The mood was broken when he disappeared into the bedroom. Faith hung her head. What he didn't know was that walking away was the worst thing he could do.
…And the reason is you…
The neighbours would think he was a lunatic, if they could hear the thoughts he was voicing out loud. He didn't care. He up-ended the beer bottle only to discover it was empty. What! Wasn't that just great, then! His only hope of relief was gone now. Perfect. What was he supposed to do now? Bosco slammed the bottle onto the table, feeling more alone than he had in a long time. What was he doing here, by himself, when there were bars all over the place? Yeah, that sounded good. Anything to soften the blows of emotion that were pounding his heart to pieces.
What now? What was her reason? Was anything worth all this pain and tension? She didn't know, she was alone with her thoughts and her guilt. It was past midnight already. There wouldn't be anyone from the precinct out at this time of night. Would there? Maybe Sully would still be at the hospital. He'd known Malloy. Maybe O'Shea would have emerged from the bathroom he had locked himself in. As long as there was someone around to talk to. Faith got to her feet. She needed a reason to carry on this time. Simply saying she had to wasn't enough anymore.
…I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know…
No, he wasn't perfect. He never claimed to be. Why would anyone want to be perfect in the first place? Bosco shoved his feet into a pair of shoes and grabbed his jacket from where he had thrown it. Tomorrow was going to be hell to bear with a hangover, but it was a price to pay for taking the edge off his pain. Aw, hell, why couldn't his partner be there for him to talk to? Going out drinking alone wouldn't help much, not unless he ran into Sully or Davis.
The streets were eerily silent and empty. A lone streetlamp on the corner flickered in a valiant effort to remain lit. She walked in a direction she knew well, her feet automatically carrying her to a destination fixed firmly in her memory. Leaving her own apartment had taken all the strength she could muster. The moment that door clicked shut behind her, she knew she was taking an enormous chance. But it's a chance I need to take. I can't go back to work like this. Faith shoved her hands deeper into her jacket pockets and turned the corner. She was almost there.
…I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you…
But they weren't Faith. They didn't know him nearly that well. He looked over at the stereo. They weren't the reason he kept hanging on. Maybe he should call her, see if she wanted to grab a drink or two. Maybe he shouldn't. The last thing he wanted was to come between her and Fred. That would be crossing a line that could never be uncrossed. No way would he even consider taking that irreversible a step. Bosco picked up the phone, looked at it for a moment, then set it back down. No. He should be alone tonight, and she should be with Fred and the kids.
What was that? He turned toward the door, surprised that someone would be knocking at this hour. Who in the hell…
The lights were on in his apartment. Of course he would still be awake. She wondered how he would react to seeing her at his door at nearly two-thirty in the morning. There was no going back now. Faith let out a resigned sigh and started up the steps leading into the building. It never hurt to try.
She could hear music from inside his apartment. It was the same song that had been playing at home. Small world. Her right hand came up and she steeled herself for whatever would happen when she knocked.
… I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you…
Bosco opened the door cautiously, expecting to see one of the neighbours. His eyes went wide when he saw who it really was.
"Hey, um, can I, can I come in?"