Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or the fairy tales here. If I did I'd be filthy stinking rich right now
Title: The Elvin Book of Fairy Tales
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Various
Warnings: OOCness, slash, random insane humor
Fairy Tale for Chapter: The Boy Who Combed Pearls (originally The Girl Who Combed Pearls)
Ethnic Origin: Portuguese
Author's Notes: THANKS YOU ALL THE REVIEWERS!!!
Chapter Dedicated To: Since she asked for a pairing, this chapter id dedicated to... CHESIERE CAT!!!! Thank you for reviewing! I LOVE YOUR STORIES!!!!
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There once lived a woman who had two sons named Legolas and Haldir. Haldir was a sailor. One day the mother fell ill. But no one was really surprised, because back in those days people got sick and died everyday. This was no exception.
She called Legolas to her and gasped, "I've nothing but this towel and comb. Use them and think of me." Then she died. Legolas wasn't sure what the hell to do with the towel, so he gave it to Haldir, even though he was supposed to dry himself with it everyday. But he kept the comb, because he was very careful with his hair, and a comb was of good use to him.
From that day one Legolas always combed his hair with his mother's comb. Each time he did so, pearls fell like tears from his hair. He told Haldir, who declared, "I'll take these pearls on my next trip and sell them."
"Well, what else would you do with them?" Legolas asked with a raised eyebrow.
Haldir cursed under his breath about smart-ass brothers.
Haldir sailed to a faraway land and showed the pearls to the king, Aragorn. Although how a common person got into see the king, we shall never know. Maybe it had something to do with Haldir killing all the guards with his arrows because they insulted him... Anyway, he also told Aragorn about his brother and the wonderful comb.
"Not only do I want these pearls," Aragorn exclaimed, "I want to see your brother, too. If what you say is true, I'll marry him. But if it's false, I'll put you do death."
"...... You mean that even though my brother's male, you're going to marry him just because he can comb pearls out of his hair?" Haldir asked.
"Yes. That, and it's an excuse to get out of marrying Arwen," Aragorn said with a shiver. "Gah... Arwen... Evil..."
So Haldir sailed home happily. Legolas was so delighted he couldn't resist telling his witchy neighbor Celeborn the news: "I'm going to be a... queen, I guess." (A/N: What would a male person married to the king be called anyway?)
"Since you're going to be so grand," Celeborn replied, "you won't mind my daughter Galadriel (A/N: Yes, I know Celeborn is her husband but this is FAN fiction, so I can do whatever I want) and me coming along, too."
"Yes, I do mind! You guys are weird and will destroy my image!" Legolas said.
"TOO BAD, BUB!! HALDIR'S OUR SERVANT, SO WE GET TO COME!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Celeborn cackled.
Legolas swore every curse in every language in the world at Haldir. Haldir fainted from the excessive use of foul language. Then Legolas kicked him in the ribs.
On the voyage, Celeborn gave Legolas poison and he fell down in a faint. His heart was stilled; not a breath stirred in his body. He was buried at sea by Haldir, who wept bitterly. Now he would never be rich and famous!
"Without my beloved brother, we must turn back, or Aragorn will have my head," he sighed. "Damn the person that put poison in his cup! Now I'll never be rich and famous!"
"And so just because you don't have Legolas you'll give up a fortune?" snapped Celeborn.
"I tend to think my life if worth more than money..."
"TOO BAD, BUB!!! YOU'RE OUR SERVANT, SO YOU'RE GOING TO THE KING AND WE'RE GOING TO PRETEND THAT GALDRIEL IS LEGOLAS SO THAT I WILL BE RICH AND FAMOUS!!!" Celeborn cackled. Then he had a coughing fit and almost died. But since Elves are immortal, he didn't. Pity...
"But, Galadriel is a girl, Legolas is a boy. And I already told Aragorn that Legolas was male. What're going to do about that?" Haldir said with a smirk.
"We're just going to say he did something to make Gandalf mad and that Gandalf cursed him!" Celeborn said happily. Haldir groaned.
They reached port and went to the Aragorn's castle. Everyone in the streets stopped to stare at the beautiful elves and Haldir ended up having to kill several people for trying to rape them.
Haldir presented Galadriel to Aragorn. "I have brought my brother to be your wife. And if you're wondering why he's a girl, it's because he did something to piss off Gandalf," the elf said.
Gandalf (who was standing next to the throne) was about to say he never did such a thing when he caught Celeborn's fierce glare. Instead he just said, "That's right! You never should have, uh... Dyed my underwear, uh... Pink, Legolas!" he said nervously.
Aragorn sighed. "Whatever. Let me see him, uh, her comb pearls from his, uh, her hair," he ordered.
Galadriel took out the comb, but instead of pearls, showers of dandruff speckled the carpet. First everyone spent about three minutes staring at the prospect of ANY elf having dandruff, then Aragorn spent another five minutes debating whether to be angry or marry Galadriel just to get out of marrying Arwen. Finally he decided to be angry, and had Haldir thrown into prison to await execution. Poor, poor Haldir. Let us mourn for him.
That day the castle cook went down to the sea to catch fish. Even though that was supposed to be the fish-catchers job. But this cook was really picky and had to do everything himself. So he went down to catch his own fish. On the beach lay a dead whale. After about an hour of mourning sobs that included "WHY?! WHY THIS POOR, BEAUTIFUL CREATURE?!?" and "WHY IS GOD SO CRUEL?!", the cook approached the whale to hug it, when he heard a voice crying "Let me out!" from inside the whale.
Now, since one normally doesn't hear a dead whale talking, the cook completely freaked out and started yelling "DEMONS ARE COMING!!! DEMONS ARE COMING!!! EVERYBODY RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!" until the authoress whapped him over the head with her trusty mallet and told him if he didn't stick to the plot, he'd get fed to Orcs. Needless to say, the Orcs were very disappointed when he chose to stick to the plot. So they just started eating each other instead.
The cook cut open the whale's belly- and out stepped a beautiful young man. And, as you've probably already guessed, it was Legolas. He told the cook a strange story indeed, which included magic whale fairies, flying monkeys and penguins with machine guns. But we're not going to go into that. So anyway, the cook didn't know what to think, so he hid him in an upstairs room at the castle. There Legolas spent his time gazing sadly from a tiny window, for his hair was messed up and he didn't have an Elvin hair care products.
One day he saw Haldir's dog (who had somehow gotten on board, even after being chained to a tree), Cylindra.
"How is Haldir?" he called.
"Waiting to die," the dog replied. No one should be surprised that he answered. This IS a fairy tale, after all.
Legolas confided in the cook (which is fancy talk for saying Legolas told him he was the boy who combed the pearls), who told Aragorn everything. Aragorn was so happy that he wouldn't have to marry Arwen that he danced. And sang in the shower. And kissed Gandalf. And then had a heart attack for doing it, because Gandalf hasn't had a shower in a while and tastes and smells very strongly of crap.
But Aragorn recovered quickly and the next day he and the cook hid and waited. But for what it doesn't say. They heard Legolas ask, "Cylindra, how is my brother?"
This time the dog replied, "He will die today."
It was at this point that Aragorn (who had been oogling at Legolas for about five minutes) could no longer restrain his libido and he pounced on Legolas. And then the two would have started shagging like bunnies in heat, but the authoress took her trusty mallet, whapped them both on the head and told them to follow the plot or get fed to Nazguls.
So Aragorn (reluctantly) got off Legolas and asked him to comb his hair with his mother's magic comb. When the elf did so, pearls cascaded onto the floor. So of course Aragorn married him (but he really could've cared less about the pearls; he just thought Legolas was REALLY hot) and set Haldir free. Haldir was so happy we went and got himself drunk. Which is actually very sad.
Celeborn and Galadriel would've been killed in Haldir's place, but I could never do that to them. So instead they have to be my servants for two months. MWUHAHAHAHAHA!!
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Pyro: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I FINALLY UPDATED!!! But now I have to go work on homework... Wah... Stupid teachers... DEATH TO SCHOOL!!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sets her school on fire and then dances on the corpses) NEENER NEENER NEENER!!!
Legolas: --UUUUUUUUU Police...